salty bake club

Who Stays and Who Goes: The Sweet Science of Human Connection

• sara grace • Season 1 • Episode 3

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Every friendship constellation is unique. Just like my compost cookies—filled with seemingly mismatched ingredients that somehow create something magical—our closest relationships form a perfectly imperfect combination of personalities, histories, and connections.

During a recent trip to Berlin with ten friends, something clicked. Despite being someone who typically feels guarded in larger groups, I found myself dancing freely as the sun set, stretched out over the evening sky. I noticed once again how important it is to nurture bonds with people I unconsciously trust and not the ones that keep me guarded. I hope I can shine some light on these complex structures while sharing my experience. 

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Speaker 1:

Welcome Bake Club to another episode of the Salty Bake Club. This week I finally, finally, finally I know I should have done it so much earlier. Don't give me shit for it baked you something. I made up a recipe, so if you want to have it, write in text me you'll get it. Now. This cookie is just like the topic I want to tackle this week. It consists of the weirdest constellation of ingredients and I'm gonna call it a compost cookie because it has literally everything that I had left. And I love to make these compost cookies because I'm not one of those scientific bakers, don't get me wrong. I've got a shitload of knowledge of techniques, but I like to go wild with my recipes and I like to create my own. So the compost cookie is a constellation of everything that I had left at home, and the flavor story began with two cookies that I had brought from my previous Italy trip. Now do not go too far down that alley. Again, write me if you want to have the recipe this week.

Speaker 1:

I want to talk about friendships. I spent the last weekend in Berlin. I had a huge group of friends with me, and I'm saying about 10 people. It got me thinking how my friendships evolved over the phases of my life and how the people I am with and who I hold close right now are such a unique constellation of humans, of character traits, and it just seems to fall into place so freaking well. Now bear with me because I'm sure you can relate at some point. But first, how amazing is berlin and how amazing is sunshine. So we got there and it was gray, it was rainy, it was awful weather and we did have fun. But the weather set the tone for the overall mood. We went out, we did a little shopping, we went into cute cafes. It was a great start of the vacation. Then the next day the sun came out. We had the whole day by the water and we danced until the sun sunk. The sky turned purple and orange and I shook my little booty so much.

Speaker 1:

And I will say it's not so easy for me to let loose in big groups. Now I have some really really close friends. I have a bunch of people that I trust utterly, deeply, completely, but when I'm in bigger groups I'm not thinking that it's anxiety, but I just I'm not as relaxed as I am when I'm with the right people and I think that is because these few people that I allowed to be so, so close to my soft and tender core. They are selectively chosen. They have proved themselves to be really freaking, phenomenal friends over years. Now, what was different in this group, and why I was able to be so relaxed around all of them, is that I've known most of them for over half my life and even though we didn't have contact all the way through this these few decades oh wait, no, I'm not that old these 15 years I feel a deep, deep, deep connection, and that deep connection is built on trust. And he, that's the thing. Right, when you have new friends, you still have to build that kind of trust. Now, I'm not saying that new friends cannot be as good friends as old friends, but for us to unconsciously be able to let go next to some people, we need a certain foundation of trust, and I'm sure that applies for some people more than others, but for me it is that way.

Speaker 1:

Now, the weekend got me thinking of how friendships evolve and shape and form themselves, just as humans do. These people that I hold so close are really unique humans, and I'm saying this because I know they are not everybody's cup of tea. It's not. There are some sunflower, sunlight, butterfly people who are nothing but beautiful and who almost everybody who meets them gravitate towards because they're just radiating this insane amount of love and warmth. But for most of for most of the people, I'm pretty sure that they are special because they are uniquely themselves and they're not trying to please everybody. And I'm gonna go into this so much deeper because I myself I am a recovery people pleaser.

Speaker 1:

But in terms of how friend groups and single friends evolve, I really want to point out that it sometimes is so necessary to let go of the grip we have on people. It is so necessary that some people go their own way and form and shape and evolve within their own sphere and sometimes I know this is so freaking hard we do not serve people in staying in their lives. I know that I had friendships that I had to let go of because different life phases, different values, different scenarios, different forms of being available and being able to show up in a friendship. Some of them came back and that is actually even true for most of the people in this group. For a whole bunch for years we didn't have any contact and then there was a moment where life just put us in the same spot again and it ignited a fire that is burning so steadily.

Speaker 1:

I mean that fire of friendship where you are here for each other so effortlessly and yet consistently. And that is a big thing for me, because my life is so full, because I have so many projects, so many things to do, like my days are stretched out and filled in by the hour. So it's not easy for me to maintain a friendship when I feel that I'm not met with, first of all, mutual effort. It is super hard for me to keep a friendship when I always feel that I should reach out more, that I should respond faster. I feel the air tightening in my lungs. I need a certain kind of human next to me that gives me the freedom to be who I am, and that isn't for everybody. Now that doesn't mean that that's the only way to have a friendship. I'm just saying this is uniquely me and I'm sharing a quite a vulnerable thing, because that also made me lose friends.

Speaker 1:

That also made me realize that I just I was not a good match for this person, but the group that is still in my life, those few people that I still, to this day, hold dearly to my heart and that I trust so much that I'm able to show myself just as I am. I'm not bending, I'm not trying to be somebody else. I trust my friends so much that I'm able to show up even when I'm a fucking grumpy bitch and yeah, I can be. I trust my friends that they will still love me even when I tell them that I absolutely and wholeheartedly disagree with what they believe in, because that's that kind of trust that you need, and I'm gonna go into what I think a good friend is and needs to practice to in order to be a good friend by the end of the episode. But right here I want to underline the importance of trusting life with what people are meant to stay for the moment and what people aren't. Which humans stay and which go is a bit of a sweet and tender topic, but the way I want to paint it is kind of like these cookies.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so hear me out. I know this might sound weird, but if you, if you watch this on YouTube, you're gonna see the difference. If you only listen. Let me paint the picture for you. There's these two cookies and you might see a very big difference in them. First of all. They're different shape and size. The ones are baked on, I think, 50 degrees more. The others are baked in a normal baking temperature. The other ones I accidentally baked on 220 degrees. Now the one at 220 degrees. They poofed up, they stayed smaller. They feel denser, but they are so so crunchy on the outside with a very soft inside. The other ones that were baked evenly are. They grew wider, I think the batter is distributed more evenly and the texture is also more even. That's how I see what's happening with humans.

Speaker 1:

Some people are being put under extreme circumstances in certain life phases and of course, they shape their behaviors and their Responses to you in a very different way than the ones who are baked on a very, very mellow temperature. Now, what you need in the life phase that you are in right now is a not better or worse than the ones who are in a different one, and there is a grace in allowing everybody to be who they are and not who you want them to be. In fact, I think it's an ethical mandate to take people as who they are and not as how or who you want them to be. Call me crazy, but I noticed the weirdest thing. First, I'm gonna have a bite of these high temperature cookies, because that's my thing right now. The lemon zesty, the subtle sweetness. The chocolate chip cookies oh love. Chocolate chip cookies, oh love. I'm just a chocolate chip cookie girl. What can I do?

Speaker 1:

However big your circle of friends is and this applies specifically to friendship groups where you meet the same constellation of people over and over it appears that all friendship groups need certain kind of characters. I'm going to do the same thing that I do in my yoga teacher trainings, where I structure the models after the elements. I believe that a well-formed group of humans need somebody who's very fiery, who's not giving you shit. You need somebody airy with crazy ideas, who's like a butterfly socially, verbally, super quick and easy to adjust. You need those people who ground everybody with their presence, who keep all of your people's feet on the ground and who have that nurturing quality. And you need the water people whose company you feel effortlessly understood.

Speaker 1:

Now, while you're listening to this, think of your friends, think of who you might be. My guess is that I am either the watery or the fiery one in my friend groups, and that again shifts in different life phases and again, what you need right now might not be what you want. What you want might be that comforting friend who's like super poofy and just wraps you in sweet words and comfort, but what you need might actually be that fire friend who's not bullshitting you, who's spilling hard facts and truths and who's pulling you out of your comfort zone. Maybe you are that friend and what you need is actually somebody who is just mirroring and reflecting your emotions back at you. Maybe what you need, or what you are, is that earthy, grounding person who is nourishing everyone around. And maybe what you need, or are, is that social butterfly, that quick with words, air person who is the fun of the party, just as the fire people are.

Speaker 1:

Don't nickel and dime me with this, it's only a theory. However, think of these elements in the people around you and it will be easier to detect certain character traits, certain habits or patterns. Are you looking for people pleasers in your life? Are you looking for people who only reflect back at you what you want them to say? And yes, these are usually the water people. And again, I'm just calling myself out here because when I was younger I was definitely guilty of that.

Speaker 1:

I usually try to make everybody as comfortable as they could possibly be, just so that I could feel comfortable. I know that is a behavioral pattern that is rooted in somewhere deep, deep, deep in my childhood. I already talked to my therapist about it, but that is not the point I want to make. And now to trace it back to you you need to be fully yourself in the various forms, character traits and the ways life shaped you. You need to show up for your friends as who you are, including the interchangeable you. I already shared in previous episodes that I do sometimes struggle with other people's expectation of who they think I am. And here we go again.

Speaker 1:

As a recovering people pleaser, my tendency would be to soothe them, to be exactly who they know me as the authentic me. The grown woman sitting here knows better and she knows that sticking to her values is a 10, a thousand times better service to my friends than shaping and molding and shifting into what I think people want of me. If you're gonna be my friend, you will certainly hear me calling you out on your shit and I hope that you do the same for me because, honestly, I want my friends to hold me accountable because, after all, they are the closest people I got. I want to be able to hold them accountable when they fall short. In fact, that is a huge sign for deep connection for me personally, I trust somebody into my inner circle when I see actions that reflect that kind of trust, accountability and steadiness in their own values, and I certainly want to do the same.

Speaker 1:

In fact, I think there is a huge difference between performing a friendship and being a true friend. It's a little bit like falling in love and standing in love, and that example stems from Erich Fromm. In that book, I think the name was the Art of Loving. True friendship must be practiced. It's not just there, it doesn't just fall into place. It might be like a spark, but then you have to nurture that spark in showing up. And how you show up as a good friend, or how I think a good friend acts, is what I want to touch base on now. I really encourage you to be honest with yourself. While I'm telling you that, think of where you fall short, where you could do better, where you stumble every once in a while and cheer on yourself, where you are being a really good friend, because, my god, that is such a blessing.

Speaker 1:

I want to point out the art of listening. So many people listen to answer and that might sound logical after all, we are having a conversation, right but there is something magical that shifts when you listen just for the sake of listening, instead of listening to answer. Most of my friends do a really good job at that. The result is I feel seen, I feel understood, and that is one of the biggest gifts that you can give another. I have that firm belief that in the end, we all just want to be seen and heard and loved.

Speaker 1:

Now, listening to listen also means listening without wanting to fix. That requires you to sit within your friend's discomfort without trying to change it or fix it and think of it. So many people react right away when somebody else feels bad. Imagine I am sitting next to you and I'm devastated. I'm crying because something terrible happened to me and most people's response would be trying to hug me, talk me out of it, maybe make me smile. But what if? What if somebody would just sit with me and listen to my despair, listen to my grief, allow me to speak and live and act out whatever emotions stare within me? That doesn't mean that they are not talking to me. That doesn't mean that they are not responding. It just means that they are not trying to fix me because they are feeling uncomfortable because of my discomfort. Learning this was a game changer in my professional and my private life. So next time somebody shares anything with you that makes you feel uncomfortable, try not to fix it. Instead, look that person in the eyes, offer your presence that is so much louder than any fixing words could ever be.

Speaker 1:

The next point is celebrating your friends' wins like they were your own. It shocks me because I'm a natural cheerleader. I love to celebrate and cheer on people on their successes, on their highs, and when you do that, or when that comes naturally to you, it can be quite a shock that it's the exception that people do that. Now, as I mentioned, I have some rare gems. I'm so lucky when it comes to some rare humans who practice that just as I do, but I didn't always have that. So I'm an advocate for being a loud cheerleader for your friends' successes, especially when they are not in the room.

Speaker 1:

We need more people who mention our names in rooms full of opportunities, whether we are here or not. We need more people who are ecstatic in joy because something good happened to you. We need more people who act like a fire of love and celebration. So next time, when something really good happens to your friend, how about not holding back? How about throwing an emotional party for your friend? Bake them cookies, give them an extra call and express how proud of them you are. Voice what others don't.

Speaker 1:

And my last point in that list of how to be a good friend is show up, but also give space. Show up for your friends. Be there, do what you said you would do, show up in ways they wouldn't expect. Be present in their lives, whether that is over a voice note, over Instagram comments, over meeting them for a coffee every Tuesday morning. I know myself that we have different resources and different people, are in different life phases or, like in my case, scattered out over the entire globe. So I grew very quickly into the understanding that showing up is not the same for everybody. A friendship is like a garden If you don't show up for it, it might still be there, but it's not going to be as bright and radiant and after a while of abandonment, it might get a really funky smell.

Speaker 1:

Now the giving space part is quite a challenge for a lot of people, because you and your friend might be of a very different quality or element. You and your friends might have a very different love language. Some people need barely any space. They would love to smother you with their love and they would love to be around you, whether that's on the phone for three hours or personally every freaking day, and that might be amazing for you. Or it might be completely a different love language. So make sure that you show up in ways that your friend can actually receive it and that you give space in the way that doesn't strain you from your needs but also gives your friend the amount of space they need for this friendship to feel effortless, because friendships shall not become a burden. Friendships shall not feel heavy and hard. I mean, of course, we all go through hard phases in life and then we bear the weight right. We distribute the weight on our many shoulders so that we don't have to bear it alone. Maintaining a friendship requires showing up and giving space, not one or the other. So now, by the end of our episode, reflect on what you need in a friendship and what makes you a good friend. Also, where do you fall short and where can you be an even better friend?

Speaker 1:

And it feels only appropriate to end with one of my favorite quotes ever by Rob Resney, who is a phenomenal thinker, writer, poet, astrologer, activist. He is just great. The quote goes "'The ones I trust the most are those who are always "'tenderly wrestling and negotiating with their own shadow, "'making preemptive strikes on their share "'of the world's evil to keep themselves "'from spilling their darkness onto those around them. I aspire to be like that and that is why I regularly kick my own butt.

Speaker 1:

A good friend group is like a good compost cookie there's a whole bunch of really weird ingredients thrown together and with a little bit of love, they all of a sudden make sense and form a delicious moment of comfort, of sweetness, a shelter of life's despair, and we all need that. I know this is selfish, but honestly I want to know. Text me if you think I'm a fire, water, earth or air person. And, as always, thank you so much for your comments. They help others find us and I cannot wait to hang out with you again next week. And, as always, thank you. I love you.