salty bake club

The Boot on Our Neck

• sara grace • Season 1 • Episode 4

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Here is where you get in touch. Work with me, share your experience or requests > this is how to reach me. Love, - Sara

The invisible system we've all been breathing our entire lives shapes everything from our love relationships to who gets silenced in society. Patriarchy isn't some abstract concept relegated to history books; it's an active force keeping women pinned down while simultaneously teaching men to swallow their emotions and vulnerability.

What happens when we define this omnipresent system that feels as natural as air? Through powerful analogies like "the boot on a woman's neck," we explore how patriarchy persists despite advances in women's rights. From conservatives who deny the problem exists to well-meaning allies who try not to alienate those with power, various perspectives keep this system firmly in place. The deeply personal impacts range from workplace discrimination to sexual violence, with shocking statistics revealing that one in three women experience sexual assault in their lifetime.

Yet this conversation goes beyond women's oppression to examine the "silent depression of men." With over 75% of suicides in America being male, we unpack how patriarchal expectations create isolation, emotional suppression, and dependency. The most powerful men aren't those performing strength but those brave enough to embrace vulnerability. Whether you're someone who experiences misogyny firsthand or someone looking to be part of the solution, this episode invites you to examine the air we're all breathing and take courageous steps toward change. Share your experiences, challenge harmful norms in your circles, and remember that fear isn't weakness—it's the raw material of courage. Join us as we work toward liberation from systems that limit all of us, regardless of gender identity.

Speaker 1:

You are so very welcome to this week's episode, bay Club. There is something that we've all been breathing, something that shapes how we love, how we cry or how we don't cry, that regulates who gets to speak and who has to stay silent. I got out of my sweatpants, I put on my good pink suit. Buckle up, bay Club, because this week we're talking about patriarchy. Now, before you do anything at all, get cozy, make yourself comfortable. I baked you something, palm 40. We're gonna need it. I'm having some banana bread for you. Text me if you want to have my banana bread recipe. It is gonna be the best banana bread that you ever had, and that's a promise.

Speaker 1:

Now, patriarchy isn't some outdated idea. It is a system that keeps women pinned down and teaches men systemically how to swallow their emotions, their softness, their female parts that they have, just as we women have male parts in us and, I should say, masculine parts in us, and I want to begin this episode with defining what we're going to speak about. The best verbal portray I've ever heard is this one, and unfortunately I do not know how to quote. I found it in a video and since that it's been replicated so often that I have no idea where it stems from, but if you have any resources, if you know how I can quote, please write in and I will do it. So lean back and listen up. Patriarchy is like a man having his boot on a woman's neck. Feminism is women asking that the boot be removed. Men's rights activists think that having their boot off a woman's neck is some sort of reverse oppression. Conservatives figure that there was never a problem with the boot being on the neck until the women started complaining about it, and if everybody would just shut the fuck up, everything would be fine. Good guys take any complaint about the boot as a personal attack, because not all men wear boots. Men allies try to discuss the issue in a way without alienating the boot. Women with internalized misogyny don't know why these other women are complaining about the boot being on their neck. They love having the boot on their neck and there's something wrong with the women who complain. Meanwhile, the boot stays the fuck on.

Speaker 1:

There's something about this quote that resonates so deeply with me. We are looking at that topic from so many different perspectives and the tricky thing about it is that it is like air for us humans. We are living in it without even noticing. That is why it's so hard to tackle that topic or describe it, because it seems to be ever-present but so little people can really put it into words and grasp it. And if we can't grasp something correctly, it is so hard to change it.

Speaker 1:

Patriarchy is the systemic oppression of women. It is that system that gives men more power than women and it leads to misogyny. And just to describe that word, misogyny is the hatred against women or girls that very clearly in our world leads to a lot of violence, leads to oppression. It exists also in more subtle forms that aren't less severe, like belittling women, controlling them, making them feel worthless. Even though feminism has brought us to a point where we all can go vote, we all can speak our truths, there is something still ingrained in all of our bones that we are not fully aware of and that are quite heavy leftovers of patriarchal structures. Just to make that clear, it has only been one generation since women had to ask their husbands if they were allowed to take a job.

Speaker 1:

I want to open that discussion with shining light on that. In this whole activism making women equals to men, we are certainly forgetting that older generation of women who have laid the groundstone of us being able to live as modern women, and yet they live with these old men who think their wife's body is free for them to obtain over. All of that is so awful, but that's exactly why it is so important for us to talk about. Now I want to tackle how men are affected by patriarchy, because obviously, women are being oppressed and, as in every oppressor and oppressed relationship, the oppressed sees a lot more than the oppressor. The one that suffers is very aware of the situation, while the oppressor very often is not. Now we could call this next chapter the silent depression of men, because they're not even noticing how bad it is for them.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you do not know what I am talking about, if you are absolutely unclear of that there is this male loneliness epidemic then please do your own research. I don't want to be the one convincing you about anything. I'm just saying there are clear indicators In the US, for example. Just take the suicide rates indicators In the US, for example. Just take the suicide rates In the US, for example. Men account for over 75% of all suicides and at higher risk for it, a white middle-aged man.

Speaker 1:

Now, what has happened in the last years? Now, dr Goodman, who is one of the most brilliant minds when it comes to male-female dynamics, tells us that in the last decade the power dynamic has shifted in a certain way. While men and women still don't get paid equally, there are still different standards of how we are raised. Women are not dependent on men anymore Now. Back in the days, you had to marry as a woman, otherwise you would be screwed. Nowadays you have access to education, you can build a life on your own. We formed friendship circles as women grow closer and closer to each other, and that is my experience as well.

Speaker 1:

I'm at a point in my life where I noticed that I don't need a man. I don't need the romantic fantasies that have been imprinted in my mind. But there is an unspoken way that men are dependent on women and that has not changed. That is emotionally. A wife usually grows into being her man's emotional support, while most women have very strong female bonds and circles of friendship where they share the emotional labor, heartaches and pain. But and I know it's very delicate to generalize here my experience and the numbers show that men barely ever have friendships where they can express themselves emotionally, where they can show themselves emotionally, where they can show themselves vulnerable, where they can share and load off some of that weight that they're bearing.

Speaker 1:

In 2022,. The CDC has done research and that research said specifically that 30.7% of all men experienced severe loneliness, with over 22%, I believe, who expressed they lack support. When we remember that there's a lot of weight on men, the expectations and standards that patriarchal structures have placed upon men, as in they have to perform, they have to deliver, they have to be the provider, they have to be powerful and they cannot seem vulnerable, that is a lot of pressure. I would certainly suffer from that, especially if you're being so secluded by that system that you cannot even share that with anyone because it would be a sign of weakness. Now, I know that this is not something new.

Speaker 1:

A lot of podcasts, a lot of articles talk about that but I want you to look around in your environment, look at the friends you have, look at your family and really look behind that person. Actually ask them if they have support, if they feel that they can talk about their fears, their failures, their weaknesses, because if they can't talk about, then what's going to happen is that those people, whether it's women or men they're going to raise another generation who bury their failures, who bury their fear, because if my dad is not able to say, look, I failed and I feel hurt because of that, is not able to say, look, I failed and I feel hurt because of that, and I will inherit the silence that stands in this discussion's place. Now, since this concerns men, why should I care? Unfortunately, or fortunately, I'm a heterosexual woman. I love men. So, yeah, male loneliness epidemic is my problem and, as a heterosexual woman, my experience is that patriarchy doesn't make men powerful, it makes them perform. Think about how the vast majority of men have sex out there. I don't know if this goes too far. It's my podcast. I can talk about whatever I want.

Speaker 1:

My experience is that most men shut down when it comes to showing himself vulnerably naked without all their armor. The strongest men I've met are the ones who chose to be soft, the men that I allowed close to my heart space, the men that I allowed into my body, or, let's say, in the past five years or so where I've grown aware of these issues, the men that I allowed in my space were the ones who didn't stay alone in their pain, who opened up, who allowed me to see their dark spots and who, because of that, were able to be intimate with me, and I mean not just physically being really intimate with another does not start with the body, but those men, they are the exception, I will say. There's only a handful of men that I met in my life, and I met a lot of people that were able to embrace their softness and, in my eyes, that made them incredibly masculine, because they weren't performing, they weren't putting on a mask, they weren't showing me somebody who had to hustle in order to be valid, but instead they showed me who they really were. They're full spectrum, there are many colors, and I love that. In a human being. My experience over 99.9% of all men do not feel safe enough to be seen that way, and here again is why it is my problem. If we suppress our emotions, we just shove them down and they're bubbled down beneath. That results in mental health issues, that results in anger problems, that results in aggression, and aggression is not an issue that is restricted to developing countries. I live in a very rich country and yet the femicide rate in this country is absurdly high, and it would be easy to looking at the rates of women being killed, but it begins so much earlier. It begins in the stupid comment of your co-worker. It begins in the men who aren't even aware of what they're doing. So I made a list for you and it didn't even take me five minutes to write down a few points of how I experienced misogyny.

Speaker 1:

Let me give you real life examples. I went to a free consultation about self-employment at a federal economic bureau when I started working for myself. That was years ago, and so did my male friend back then. Surprisingly, I already noticed that I wasn't really being taken seriously by the person giving me advice there which that's his job. And later, when I talked to my friend who went to the same person in the same week asking for the same things in the same job, I noticed I wasn't being given nearly as much information. I was looked down at and made fun of for showing loving behavior, such as letting the guy I dated back then hug me in public by my own family man, grabbed my butt or my tits and even pulled up my skirt and leaned on me so that I would feel their cock in public spaces, and that happened multiple times. I mean with public spaces I mean often very narrow, tight spaces like in a bus or on a train, I was followed by a group of drunk men at night who shouted at me just to portray their power over me. Mind you, I was walking home alone. A guy standing in nature, blank daylight, holding his exposed cock staring at me, a man masturbating, while me and my friend were walking in a public space towards him.

Speaker 1:

Now, these are just the not-so-traumatic experiences that I have, where I feel pretty free to share them without consulting my therapist before. And, if I may say so, it happens daily that I walk over the street or I'm at a restaurant and I'm noticing a deeply inappropriate gaze of a man. Now, some people will say just get on with it, why do you make such a fuss about it? I'm advocating for speaking out and I'm sharing my experience because it doesn't stop there. In my close circle, numerous experiences with rape.

Speaker 1:

Once again, that is a topic that is very often shushed away, silenced, and that doesn't very often have space in our society, but it certainly should, because it's not a single case. It's not individual experiences popping up here and there, it is the majority. The World Health Organization stats that one in three women experienced rape or sexual assault in her life. Furthermore, 370 million women and girls that is, one out of eight are being sexually assaulted or raped before they're turning 18. And that are deeply concerning numbers that should draw so much more attention.

Speaker 1:

The conservatives thinking there's nothing wrong with the boot of the women with internalized misogyny thinking there is nothing wrong with the boot. It should raise concern within all the good guys arguing. Not all guys are that way. I know. I know that there are deeply genuinely kind men out there, because I have some in my close circle. I know that there are deeply genuinely kind men out there, because I have some in my close circle. I know that there are really really decent people with a penis, and yet not all men are like.

Speaker 1:

That Should not be used as an argument against the concerns about patriarchal issues that women are facing. I have a younger sister. The future I might even have children. I am slow to anger, but it makes me furious to think that a little sister or my future children, or also all the amazing women in my life, have to face, one way or another, fear of men. Once again, this is something that so many men don't see, because they will never experience what it means to walk home alone and change the side of the street when there is a group of men approaching. There are so many things that men will never understand, and yet they have to open their eyes for them.

Speaker 1:

We live in a society where too many women are afraid of men. Yes, even though it's not all men. In 2024, 47 people were attacked by sharks, and yet quite a lot of people are scared of sharks. One in eight women or girls were raped or sexually assaulted before they turned 18. Now that should be reason enough to validate the statement that women are afraid of men. That alone should spark and ignite a fire of discussions and awareness that we have to change something. All, all of us, collectively, we have to change the system.

Speaker 1:

So how can you do that? If you're a woman, speak up about it, share your story, let them know what happened to you, because they profit from your silence. If you are a man listening to this, I'm so, so happy that you're here, because we need you. We need you to dig even deeper than your awareness is right now. We desperately need your support, because if women could have changed the oppression of women, well, they would have already done that, but the people in power are mostly men. So we need men to not stay silent when one of your friends is doing a stupid comment, to not stay silent if you see something where you're not sure if that is right and I know it's hard because I'm doing it. I know that I'm afraid sometimes, but I also know that fear is not weakness but the raw material of courage. And if I could wish for one thing a more courageous and genuine approach to the really hard and difficult parts of being human together, you may be able to see that I'm quite passionate about this. So please, please, please, write in, share your experience, make some banana bread, tell me where you stand on that topic and on that path of liberation from a male or a female perspective. Big love.

Speaker 1:

I'm slouching here and while I edited this podcast episode, I noticed that my language was extremely ignorant. I was speaking only in terms of male and female perspectives and I was referring only to the experiences of men and women. I do want to acknowledge that genders exist on a spectrum and I want to apologize for not being more inclusive in my language. I am learning and I promise to get better. So thanks for sticking with me till here and I would love to keep sitting here talking to you, having this deliciously smelling piece of baked comfort. But I know I got to round it up and with that I will see you next week. Thank you, I love you.