salty bake club

The Naked Truth About Getting Close

• sara grace • Season 1 • Episode 8

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Here is where you get in touch. Work with me, share your experience or requests > this is how to reach me. Love, - Sara

Have you ever felt that magical sensation of being truly connected with someone? That rare moment when you're completely yourself, without performance, without masks? In this deeply personal exploration of intimacy, we dive into what creates genuine connection in our relationships, and how society's emphasis on performance actually prevents us from experiencing the very thing we crave.

Many of us confuse intimacy with sex, but they're not synonymous. You can have sex without intimacy, and intimacy without sex. The fascinating statistics tell the story: only 25% of women orgasm regularly during intercourse, but that number skyrockets to 80% when emotional intimacy is present. The science behind this is equally compelling—the clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings (compared to 4,000 in the penis), making it a neurological masterpiece that responds uniquely for each person.

Our community shared what makes them feel truly intimate with others: emotional safety, trust, feeling seen, and being understood. These aren't automatic in relationships—they require vulnerability, which as Brené Brown reminds us, "is not weakness; it is our most accurate measure of courage." When we drop the performance and embrace our authentic selves—messy parts included—we create space for the deep connection we all crave. So grab that cup of tea, get comfortable, and join us for a conversation about the courage it takes to be truly intimate.

Share your experiences with intimacy in the comments—I love hearing your stories and knowing this podcast is creating meaningful conversations in your life!

Speaker 1:

Welcome back, friends, to another episode of Salty Bake Club, where we talk about the messy and magical things. We're talking about those things that most people leave untouched until they burn. So grab a cookie or a cake or a cup of tea, whatever makes you feel safe, because this episode is going to circle around and, yes, you guessed it right, intimacy is going to circle around and yes, you guessed it right intimacy. Most of you already know from my social media and right here. Let me say thank you to the people who participated, the community who is actively engaging in this podcast, the ones who sent in what makes them feel real intimacy. And this is a topic that is once again layered because we are not getting taught real intimacy. And this is a topic that is once again layered because we are not getting taught real intimacy. We live in a society that fosters comparison and judgment, but these things are what kills real intimacy. So let's get into it Right here. I want you to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath and think of the last time you felt truly intimate with somebody else. When was the last time that you felt really embraced in that deeper connection? Once you've grasped one of these situations, describe that feeling, put adjectives to that feeling. How does the sensation feel in your body Right here? I'm just saying when you felt intimate with somebody. That does not necessarily mean SEX, by the way. I have no idea if I'm getting cancelled on YouTube or the internet if I say sex, but I'm gonna take a chance here. Now, for me, intimacy feels like coming home, it feels safe, it feels like something meaningful, something deeper. I am very lucky that I'm having a lot of friendships that taught me real intimacy. I'm not speaking about sex. I'm speaking about, yes, physical intimacy. Again, nothing sexual, but having physical closeness to an extent where you feel safe when you put your head on somebody's lap and they gently brush your hair. I think I shared that in the past episode. I've been single for quite a long time and in those seven or eight years even I cultivated friendships with women that very often got mistaken for sexually intimate relationship, because our bond, our intimacy, felt so, so unusual from the outside.

Speaker 1:

So many people in this society do not allow intimacy in their lives except for in the bedroom. In the best case. You cultivate a sense of intimacy and once again, for me that feels like home safety, but also joyful, alive In all fields of your life. You need a sense of intimacy with whatever your profession is. You need a sense of intimacy with the people you trust being your family, or your friends or your partner. Because what if we lack intimacy? We start separating, we start armoring up and we start cultivating relationship patterns that do not make us feel at home. Quite the opposite is true. These are relationship patterns where you constantly feel the need to perform or prove something. You prove your worth, you prove that you deserve something, but all of that is rooted in a deep insecurity that keeps you from experiencing true intimacy. Now let me get that straight. Pun intended.

Speaker 1:

Intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex. There's also sex without intimacy. I will say, for a long time in my life I have had sex instead of making love or being intimate with somebody. I thought that being physical with somebody had to be wild, it had to be quick, it had to be toughened up and it did wreck me in some kind. Like most people, I had my sex education from porn, and that portrays a picture of performing and not presence.

Speaker 1:

Now we're going to talk about presence in a little bit, because in order to be really intimate with somebody, either in the bedroom or in a friendship or wherever you need to be present with that person and you can't be present if you're constantly trying to prove something, if you're constantly trying to suck your belly in, to be super toned, to look good, to sound good. You cannot be or feel intimate. If you're concerned about so many outside details, you won't get into that state of presence. You simply won't. Intimacy is not a skill that you have or you don't. It is something that you learn and if you think back of your childhood, to be very clear, I'm not talking about sexual intimacy now. I'm talking about emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, that sense of safety.

Speaker 1:

Be honest with yourself. Did you experience some sort of intimacy in your childhood? What were your parents' love languages? Did they hug you? Did they make you feel safe? Did they tell you that they loved you, that they show up for you? Did they cultivate intimacy in your family environment? I know for a fact that in our generation it has softened a little bit, but think of your parents' parents. Think of how much intimacy or warmth your parents received. Whatever we get taught as a child, we pass on when we grow up. And since it is not very usual that parents educate their children about trust, about safety, about connection, about physical intimacy, aka sex.

Speaker 1:

It shows a performance or not. It is quite understandable that we then pick up other sources, and the one available source is porn. Now, I already said this, but I really want to emphasize that porn does not show intimacy. No wonder that so many men and women in a different kind but also are so obsessed about their performance when it comes to sleeping with another human. But that is a very critical and beautiful paradox right there. As long as we engage in this performance, we will not be able to receive or give intimacy. We're not going to be able to be vulnerable with another, and that is required for deep, deep intimacy. If you're a straight man listening to this, I'm so glad that you're here. Please take note of the next thing I'm saying If you're not a straight male, please send the following to a straight male, because I really think they need to hear this your need to perform kills your sex life, and the numbers don't lie Only 25% of women, according to Psychology Today.

Speaker 1:

Percent of women, according to psychology today, orgasm regularly during intercourse only 25 percent like. Why is that? We understand if we look at the numbers around real emotional intimacy, because those numbers show that emotional intimacy increases that number of women that orgasm regularly during intercourse towards 80%. Yes, I'm saying without emotional intimacy. Only 25% of women orgasm with emotional intimacy. It's 80% of women. That brings us to the predicament that especially straight male are being kept from experiencing and embracing true emotional intimacy from a very young age. And once again I blame patriarchy. Go back to the boot on our neck episode. And if you're wondering why I'm going into straight relationships versus gay relationships, a study by the Journal of Sex Research shows that there is a significantly higher amount of women orgasming frequently in lesbian relationships.

Speaker 1:

There is an emphasis on slowness, on communication, on the depth of being together and that presence that we talked about in the beginning. Now, straight males out there, I don't want to leave you hanging. Here come some tips Presence, presence and curiosity. Now, the clitoris has around 8,000 nerve ends, and these 8,000 nerve ends branch out into more than 15,000 other nerve fibers through the pelvic floor. Just for context, the penis has around 4,000 nerve ends. That means the clitoris is not just a sensory organ, it's a neurological masterpiece, and that alone, the numbers here, should give you context on how sensitive that area of the body is, and with that sensitivity I want to emphasize that we feel things very, very differently.

Speaker 1:

We're talking about nerves here. Barely anybody knows about the function of nerves, and I might want to do an entire episode on this, but for now let me tell you every woman loves something very different down there. So there is no technique. You cannot watch any porn, learn that technique and just apply to woman after woman. I don't want to shit talk men. Honestly, I think that a lot of women don't even know that themselves. So many women have not really been intimate with their own bodies. So many women do not know what they like when they have intercourse with somebody else. But then we expect for another human that potentially does not have the same sexual organ to fully comprehend what we want, magically understand what we need and make us come. Just like that. It just doesn't work like that. There is so much communication and self-study required. So here's your little homework Get intimate with yourself, masturbate, not for the sake of coming, but for the sake of getting to know yourself.

Speaker 1:

So, yes, cultivate intimacy with yourself first, play around with your sensory organ, and if you do have a partner, well then be guided by curiosity Because, once again, if you perform, if you feel like you have a trick, or if you figured out what your partner likes, guess what? You cannot apply that over and over again, because in that routine, once again, intimacy is just being killed. Thinking about myself, I noticed that what I need differs extremely, especially in different phases of my cycle. So there is not one way to make another come, and your safest bet is also the most vulnerable one, and that is intimacy. Now, that vulnerability requires a ton of courage to really be naked with somebody else, naked with somebody else as women, to let somebody inside you Like I feel like our society doesn't even comprehend what sacredness lays in there. And I could go on a whole rant about what that means energetically to let somebody inside you. But for now, do not underestimate it. Whoever you're being intimate with needs to earn it.

Speaker 1:

Circling back on the beginning of this episode, you gotta be intimate out of the bedroom first. You gotta cultivate intimacy just by being next to each other. And if I'm looking back at my history and I want to relate that to dating relationships and to orgasms the slow burns we're always the most intense. Now here comes the really exciting part. I asked you over my Instagram account. What do you need in order to feel or be intimate with somebody else? And I want to read your answers.

Speaker 1:

Someone said emotional and physical safety. That already is a mic drop moment. I assume we are all clear on that. We have to feel physically safe with somebody else in order to get naked and merge with that person. But also emotional safety, and that is quite underestimated Because, once again, as soon as you perform, how can I trust you to show me who you really are? How can I really know you if you're not being authentic, real vulnerable with me? So the emotional component of safety is really underestimated. It takes a while to build that. That is not there when you first start dating. That is not going to be built over a one-night stand. And what builds emotional safety? Trust, communication, vulnerability, mutual effort. I love that so much that you wrote in and you started being a part of this podcast. I'm really, really grateful for that.

Speaker 1:

The next person said trust slash knowing the other person, slash having an understanding of the needs of that person. So, once again, trust. Right, we gotta build trust to feel that intimate component of being with somebody, but what is really interesting is having an understanding of the needs of that person. Now, again, that requires communication and for so many of us we are not aware of our own needs, but we simply expect others to please them. I know it is really hard to start talking about these things. I mean, seriously. Have you ever tried to put into words what you need physically, emotionally, sexually? Have you ever shared that with somebody in clear and powerful words? If that's coming easy for you, congratulations.

Speaker 1:

But I believe for most of us it feels quite again, vulnerable and a little insecure in the beginning. But you can pretty much count on the fact that the other feels just the same way. They might be a little better in hiding it, but if we strip away the armor, we all feel vulnerable. When we allow ourselves to be seen, we allow ourselves to be seen. And that is the next answer Feeling seen. I truly, deeply believe that it is one of these desires we are all running after. I mean, why are we performing? Why are we finding motivation? Why are we doing all those things that we're doing and why are we all putting on such a show? Because we want to be seen in that perfect way. But it is so much better to be truly seen, with all the messy parts, with all the shadows, with all the darkness that we all carry inside, than being seen as a perfectly plastic Barbie. We are so afraid of our dark sides. With dark sides I mean the parts of us that we would rather hide, that we don't want another to see.

Speaker 1:

And when you have sex, when you get intimate with somebody, there's a lot of expressions, there's body fluids, there's a ton of things that you would usually not want somebody to see, but imagine you would not try to hide any of it. Imagine the amount of relaxation and closeness that can be built through sharing and seeing and appreciating each other without any judgment and feeling seen was a big challenge for me in my life as well, generally in my childhood and my development, but also sexually. I dated a guy once who asked me what I like. I answered well, for me it really comes down to being seen, and I believe he didn't really comprehend it because he kind of made a kink out of it. He was like oh, so you really want to be seen. So you really, you know, you really want me to see you. Okay, I'll watch you. Yeah, it goes without saying. We didn't date for long.

Speaker 1:

Somebody else said safe, seen and understood. We already talked about being seen. We already talked about emotional and physical safety that we have to cultivate first. But being understood, again, it requires for us to speak, it requires for us to know ourselves, show ourselves, put out there what we want, communicate our needs. And then it comes down to the other if they understand or not. And just like in my little story with that guy that I dated, if the other doesn't understand you, well of course he can work on it. But if it's a very fundamental lack of understanding, well guess what? You're not going to be able to feel that sense of intimacy with that person ever. And the last person who wrote in with a suggestion says trust and a feeling of safety. So it's really beautiful that we see these words coming up again and again.

Speaker 1:

I think deep down we all want and need very similar things, but then it expresses itself in a different shape and in the different phases of my hormonal cycle. I need very different amounts of emotional and physical safety. My physique changes, so obviously the sensations when I'm being touched change a lot, since we are living in a culture where shame is on the rise, where we constantly compare and judge ourselves. What we're talking about is hard and when it comes to my own struggle with shame, I have learned so much and I highly value and appreciate the work of Dr Brene Brown. That is why I prepared three of my favorite Dr Brene Brown quotes around vulnerability, aka intimacy. Now close your eyes and listen up.

Speaker 1:

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of every meaningful human experience. She said that in her book, the Power of Vulnerability. Quote number two vulnerability is not weakness. It is our most accurate measure of courage. Just apply that statement onto your relationships. They will grow and rise into enormous amounts of love Once you cut the bullshit of performing and you gather enough courage to be vulnerable with the people around you. Quote number three we cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known. This is from the Gifts of Imperfection, which is a book that I recommend to all of you who struggle to show up with your messy parts, with your shadows, who crave for perfectionism to, because of that, rob yourselves from the richness of life.

Speaker 1:

So thank you for hanging out with me here in this wonderfully weird world of intimacy. I share quite a lot of my personal experiences here on this podcast because it's really dear to my heart and that is why I'm cherishing it so much. When you write comments, when you share your experiences or when you share that podcast with somebody who you think could really profit from it. Now, thank you for being in here with me today. I mean, in this world of wild and weird and messy intimacy, if you want to support me in this podcast, please share it with a friend and comment, comment, comment. I love to hear your experiences. These are the most wonderful and magical little tweaks for me. I'm going to see you next week and, until that, stay very, very soft and super sweet with yourself and others. Now I'm going to have that little bit of chocolate cake and remember that I'm safe, I'm in community, even though I've just shared some funky things on the internet. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.