salty bake club

Flaky Isn’t Just for Pastry: Calling Yourself In

• sara grace • Season 1 • Episode 14

Share episode

Here is where you get in touch. Work with me, share your experience or requests > this is how to reach me. Love, - Sara

Brace yourself for some crunchy granola bar wisdom as we dive into one of life's most challenging ingredients: accountability. Unlike last week's fluffy raspberry cake, today we're serving up something that might seem dry but is absolutely packed with nutrients for your personal growth.

Accountability creates trust—it's that simple. Yet so many of us struggle with consistently showing up, following through on commitments, and being honest when we fall short. Why? We trace this pattern back to our origins as natural narcissists (a survival mechanism for babies) and examine how insecurity, privilege, and modern life have created a perfect storm for flaky behavior. The result? Relationships that lack deep trust and communities that feel increasingly disconnected.

Drawing from personal experience and years of observing these patterns, I share how I transformed from someone unreliable in my early twenties to someone who values and embodies accountability. This journey wasn't easy—it required developing emotional intelligence to recognize when feelings were sweeping me away and learning to take ownership before being called out. The discomfort we feel when confronting our flakiness is precisely where growth happens.

Ready for your Salty Bake Club homework? It's time to write a message to someone you've failed to show up for, and to explore your own patterns in a letter to yourself. Remember, showing up isn't about being flawless; it's about radical honesty with yourself and others. And if you're feeling inspired to make your own neatly packaged granola bars while pondering these tough truths, send me a message for the recipe!

Speaker 1:

Welcome back my love to another episode of the Salty Bake Club. Now, remember, last week I served you a wonderfully fruity and flavorful fluffy raspberry cake. This week, what you're getting is semi-munchy and dry muesli regal. For all my American loves granola bars. And that really relates to this week's topic, because we're cutting down the crap. We're cutting down the fluff and getting into the harsh truths of our very basic reality. So, while this recipe might be rather standard, not really hard to bake in, it is packed with many, many nutrients and so much that is good for you. And I know a lot of people might get triggered from what I'm going to say, but if you keep on listening and you're pulling through, please know there's so much that is good for you in what we're doing here. So buckle up, lean back, get into that granola bar vibe and let's dive in. Also, before I dive in, look at all my neatly packaged granola bars. This is my number one tip for all the girls and boys out there that are uncontrollable snackers, like I am. If you make a batch of granola bars and you neatly wrap them and tie little ribbons around them, you will ultimately cherish each one more and you're not gonna swallow them in one batch, like I have done so many times.

Speaker 1:

So once again, with all that muesli bar vibe, what is our topic this week? I want to talk about accountability, because I have had my own path with becoming a better friend, a better person, a better co-worker, a better functioning member of society. When I grew up and in my early teen years, in my very young adulthood, I wasn't very responsible. And here's the first funny thing for all my German listeners In the German language there is only one word for what? In English we have two words, so we will talk about Verantwortung or Verantwortungsbewusstsein, which would be translated as both Responsibility and Accountability. But these two things, we want to differentiate those two words for the sake of this episode, because Responsibility or being responsible, being a responsible human, requires you to hold yourself and others accountable to what you and others said. You and they will do or say.

Speaker 1:

Now, why is this so important for me? I think I've mentioned in an earlier episode that the way to my heart, the way into my inner circle, the way I'm going to trust you, is accountability. I will only let people in who do what they say that they will do. If you're flaky, I can't trust you, and that doesn't have to do with you being a person that's not a good fit for me or that isn't a good person. I'm not saying that at all.

Speaker 1:

It is simply because I have had my own fair share with this topic and, as I said when I was, let's say, in my early 20s, I haven't been that confident or disciplined woman that I am now. I haven't had many role models in my childhood that taught me these morals or values, so I just had to acquire them in a later stage in life, and that resulted out of me noticing that I am not the best version of myself, I'm not the best friend that I could be, I'm not the best lover that I could be, because I'm simply not living up to my values. I'm seeing that as a pattern in so many people around me, and you know what I also, just like, really want to say that whatever we judge a lot in others is usually what we judge ourselves for. So I'm well aware of that. This path of mine has brought me to a place where I'm confident, and I'm saying that I have acquired that lesson to a very, very well degree. But I also think that these major life turns and twists, they will never be fully healed. So there will always stay that nudge, that kind of makes me unsure or insecure around that habit of not being accountable, not holding others accountable, of not being a very responsible human. So, once again, while I feel like I'm doing pretty good at the moment and in that current life stage, I want to share from a compassionate point of view and not from a judgy point of view. And yet I want to be firm in my language, because I don't think that I'm serving you when I walk around eggshells. I don't want to point a finger, but I do want to make you feel uncomfortable if that is something where you have to figure out a way to get out of the pattern.

Speaker 1:

Now, why is it that so many people shy away from showing up, having hard conversations, being an authentic and honest human being? Whenever we enter this world and that applies to all of us without any exception we land on this planet as narcissists. Babies are narcissists and that is a survival starter kit. They would not be able to survive if they weren't. But and here's the predicament, when we grow up, we have to unravel from these tendencies and, dare I say it, we live in a society where so many people just have not done that.

Speaker 1:

While that might sound rather judgmental, I also want to appreciate and acknowledge that a lot of the narcissistic tendencies in I'm just going to say it in that white woman bubble that I live in are stemming from insecurities. What I'm seeing very often is that somebody is not authentic, somebody's not doing what they say they will do or showing up and living their values, because they are living their life from a place of insecurity. They might even show up a lot but just as a compensation patterns, they try to fill that hole of insecurities with being overly attentive, being overly caring. But once again that is not truthful. It might seem very honorable, but it's not authentic. It's like once again stems from a place of ego because you're not doing it. You're actually not serving from a pure heart, you're serving from a deeply rooted insecurity. And then there's, of course, the other part where our privilege is just blinding us from what we can do.

Speaker 1:

Living in this bubble where we've been on a very, very restricted side of a spectrum, where we haven't really been able to talk about our feelings or have been allowed to talk about our feelings at all, we now have kind of flipped onto the other side of the spectrum, where feelings often mask those moments and tendencies where we have to be radically honest, truthful and accountable with ourselves and others. What do I mean by that? Both in the spiritual bubble and in the very grounded Western world, I have a lot of friends and once again I'm just going to say a lot of white women that have stuffed down their feelings, their voice, their authentic selves so much that it has been stored in an underground basement somewhere inside. And now, with God bless it, feminism, with also social media and with a lot of exposure to unchecked advice and I'm speaking about all these so-called life coaches and Instagram therapists we're being given so many suggestions, ways to heal, techniques that we could do, frankly, also advice that we just have to let everything flow. We just have to feel all the feelings. Now, to all those women and I'm including myself and I'm including you, whether you're male, female, any sort of gender, right, if you're listening to this, I'm just going to include you there. I assume you're having Instagram, I assume you're being on TikTok or any social media platform, and I'm assuming that you have gained some of that advice.

Speaker 1:

Yes, we've been living on that one side of the spectrum where we're not allowed to talk about that at all. Now, guess what, once we stuff that down so neatly, and if we just loosen the lid a little bit, it tends to pop up and all that comes flying out and very, very quickly we find ourselves on the other side of the spectrum. And that, now, is what I'm trying to address that overly feelsy culture that we've been creating because of, oh my God, so many things. I shouldn't probably even go into detail here, but to clarify, it's a sign of intelligence to not believe every thought that enters your mind. It's also a sign of emotional intelligence to not believe every feeling that enters your body. Now, on this path of growing up, of unraveling from those childish narcissistic tendencies, we have to acquire a certain amount of emotional intelligence so that we're not being swept away by these feelings. So that we're not being swept away by these feelings, because if we are right, if we are, we are in a spiral and these feelings will very often be not helpful.

Speaker 1:

And don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of feeling, feelings. I'm a big advocate for checking yourself and finding language for the many facets of emotions and feelings. I'm just saying that we have to really learn about it. We have to really find ways to cope, because if we don't, well, we're being a victim to our feelings, and that's don't well, we're being a victim to our feelings, and that's again, that's exactly what I'm seeing so often, because then we have those not very helpful stress management patterns where somebody and okay, lean back. I'm sure that applies to you, because I'm 100% guilty of it myself and I certainly believe that it's a very common pattern of it myself, and I certainly believe that it's a very common pattern.

Speaker 1:

Just think of the last time that you were in an argument with somebody and that somebody triggered you so hard that your feeling got heightened, so you got more jealous, more angry, more sad, whatever, yeah, whatever it may be. And think of the last time where you haven't checked your feelings and acquired a inside of if that is now helping the situation or not, but you have been swept away by it and you've created a certain kind of drama or reaction simply to prove your point, not to be part of or solve the conversation or the problem. Truth be told, we all do that, but I need you to know that there's a way out and in that process of growing up, whether that is very early on in your life or that is in your 50s, in your 60s. You have to acquire some emotional intelligence because, guess what, you're being a really shitty friend if you can't control yourself and I'm not saying that strict control where you have to shove down your feelings you can give them space, but check them. Hold yourself accountable to staying on a path that is helpful to the conversation, to solving the problem, to the discussion, and don't just try to prove your point or prove that you're right. Now again, there are so many men and women both both, yeah that haven't learned that there are so many men and women that are still rooted in their deep insecurities and thus aren't able to show up, practice their values, enter uncomfortable conversations and thus be trustworthy and reliable humans. By now I hope you understand why this is the mostly regal topic. It's not very sparkly, but it's full of nutrients and it's so freaking good for you. So why is it that we aren't really living truthfully? Why is it that so often we're hiding, we're trying to prove a point. We're not actually showing up and apologizing before being called out when we fail? Why is it that we procrastinate instead of doing what we said we would do.

Speaker 1:

My belief is that we are a culture, a society that is freaking privileged. We don't have to rely on others, and yet we are inextricably connected. We cannot live without the other. We've created these modernized lives where our whole focus revolves around us. Like, just get a small notion of your thoughts and how. You're so, so rooted in your little epicentered drama. People aren't serving anymore. People aren't really fully, wholeheartedly being part of community anymore. People are being so self-absorbed as a result of that modernized life that we've all got accustomed to being flaky, being vague. So what can you do? You gotta stop ghosting your own potential. You gotta start being radically honest with yourselves, especially in the moments when it feels unbearable and when you mess up. Name it before you can be called out. That might look like the following If you haven't done what you said you would do, you could tell or write whoever person is on the other side.

Speaker 1:

Hey, I did not follow through with that. I'm really sorry. May I still do it? Or is there any way I can work on it now? And the last action item I know is really hard for all my people. Pleasers out there, set clear boundaries and do not take on more than what you can handle, because if you, if you keep doing that, I cannot trust you because you're not going to follow through with it once again. And yes, I can only speak for myself, but the accountability creates trust for me. I want to go so far to say that accountability is adult intimacy and I I wanna end it with a little big club homework.

Speaker 1:

If you feel personally offended, triggered or pointed a finger at, then there's two things that I'm asking you to do. One write a message to somebody who needs to hear where you have failed to show up. And you know, do not start justifying yourself, do not go into the whole. So sorry, you know I'm a bad person. La, la, la, la la. This is so hard for me. La, la, la, la la, don't, don't, don't even go there. Just admit that you didn't show up and say you're sorry.

Speaker 1:

Eventually, add an action item or a question on what you can do at this point to repair, to heal what you have kind of broken. And the second thing is write a letter to yourself and write down where you have been so flaky, write down where it is so hard for you to show up and why, what. What feelings trigger that? Where does it come from? Get to know yourself in these dark, shady patterns. All right, friends, that's it for this week's dose of uncomfortable truths and tender realities. And if my words made you a little squirm, well good, because that is where the real baking happens in the heat, in the rising off, whatever it is. So just know that it is okay.

Speaker 1:

I hope you don't hate me for being rather direct. And why am I saying this? There are so many people in my direct circle and in my extended circle that might even feel that I'm putting a finger on them, which i'm'm not Like. I'm not having anybody personally in mind when I'm speaking those words. I'm just seeing that pattern so often that I think it's important to talk about it, and what I can do is share my own experience, and that's the thing that applies to both you and your struggle and me and my own path.

Speaker 1:

Showing up is not about being flawless. It is about being radically truthful, about speaking what's lingering on your heart. So if it hits home for you, maybe share this podcast episode with a friend that might be on the giving or the receding side of that struggle, or simply hold it close to your heart on those days where you tend to flake, just know that wherever you are on that path of noticing patterns healing, falling, stumbling again, I love you, I see you, I've most likely been there too and very likely will be there again as well. So, with all that being said, thank you for being here here, thank you for giving me your time, thank you and love you. Oh god, and if you want to have my muesli regal, my granola bar recipes, write me. Love you, bye.