salty bake club

Dating, Love, and Cookies: A Spicy Confessional

• sara grace

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Here is where you get in touch. Work with me, share your experience or requests > this is how to reach me. Love, - Sara

Raw, unfiltered, and surprisingly sweet - just like a perfect cookie. This episode dives deep into the messy reality of modern dating and the transformative power of genuine love.

From dating disasters to profound realizations, I'm sharing the unvarnished truth about my journey through hookup culture, relationship game-playing, and the ultimate discovery of what makes love actually work. Remember that guy who refused oral sex because I wasn't completely hairless? Or the countless dates where I felt like a one-woman talk show host desperately trying to extract basic conversation from emotionally unavailable men? These experiences might make you cringe, but they were essential stepping stones to finding authentic partnership.

The path to my current relationship wasn't linear - it required seven years of intentional singlehood, therapy, and the courage to face my own patterns. I've come to understand that true love isn't about finding someone to complete you; it's about creating a powerful triangle between two whole people and the love they nurture together. Safety that allows vulnerability, trust that eliminates doubt, and that essential spark of mutual curiosity form the foundation of relationships that actually last.

What I've learned contradicts much of what society tells us about love. The greatest revelation? You must know how to be a lover, not just desire to be loved. As Erich Fromm wisely noted, many want to receive love but few are prepared to consistently give it. Whether you're navigating the dating scene, healing from heartbreak, or nurturing a long-term partnership, this episode offers both comfort and challenge. Because finding your person isn't just about luck - it's about becoming the person worthy of the love you seek.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back, lovers. It is Thursday. You know what that means A fresh episode of Salty Bake Club. I'm your host, sarah Grace, and this episode is going to be a little spicy. So here's a trigger warning. If you do not want to hear anything about my dating life, about my experiences with love in the drooly romantic sense and in the quite fucked up sense, if you do not want to hear anything about S-E-X, maybe skip this episode. Other than that, welcome. I'm really excited to be here and this episode is specifically for the girl who requested an episode about love and dating and genuinely in my mind, there were so many ways that I could take this episode, so we might have to do a follow-up, we might have to do a prequel, sequel, I don't know. But let's get into it.

Speaker 1:

I'm sitting here with a cookie that I, without honesty, did not bake for you Bake club. It is a leftover from this weekend's housewarming party. Me and my partner just had the official housewarming party for all our friends that helped us so generously in renovating this space, and I made these amazing, heavenly peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I made brownie walnut cookies heavenly peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I made brownie walnut cookies. I made a vegan black forest cake and a not vegan vanilla cream strawberry cake, and it was heavenly. There are only two cookies left over, so that is all the baking that I could do for this week. I have to take a moment and brag, because at our house when we party my partner, my lover, he hired one of my favorite singers to play in our living room for just us and our friends and it was phenomenal. I had the best time. My cheeks were burning from grinning. We all danced you know that's quite rare because we're all Austrians after all but almost everybody got up and swung their little booty and shake it out.

Speaker 1:

Maybe this way I can open with saying that right now I'm in the most healthy, stable, deeply intimate and genuinely honest relationship that I've ever been in. This man that I'm with is everything and anything that I manifested, and there are some really weird alignments with all the things that I put in my journal and who and how he is. But while I am cherishing the stability and security of this relationship, I wasn't always as healthy as I am now. Don't let me fool you. There was a time where your girl fooled around with the fuckboys and flashed her hard-eye to anybody like it was my boobs on a pride parade. So for this episode I might give you a little insight in my reckless times in my dating life and what I've learned, what knowledge I've gained from this toxic, sometimes really unhealthy, experience to get where I am now having a deeply fulfilling and genuinely exciting, but also safe, relationship. But let's rewind. Let's take a trip to the past and think about my worst dating disasters, and I'm so sure that a lot of you can relate. If you can, please text me, please let me know that I'm not the only one, but I have the hope that I'm not alone with these topics.

Speaker 1:

So first story that I want to share and this had happened in probably my mid-20s I was, for the first time in my life, trying to have a relationship with my body hair. I just had that revolutionary thought that I had been shaving all like literally all my hair off for probably 10 years until I was a teenager. So thinking I was 25 when that happened, since I was 15,. So thinking I was 25 when that happened since I was 15, every day with that stupid razor. That was the first time that I noticed that I wasn't even sure if I liked being shaved super slick and I was like, huh, could that eventually be cultural imprints? Is it that I'm repeating that process of shaving my whole body because I actually want to look like that, I want to feel like that? Or is it something that society has told me, because I've heard so often that if you don't shave you're gross? So these were my very first thoughts and steps of reframing the relationship to my body hair.

Speaker 1:

In that time it was all very fragile, very vulnerable, and by that time I was dating an older guy who was really sporty, very sleek. We had probably been dating for a month or so, very sleek. We had probably been dating for a month or so. I remember clearly that after a full day of work I came over and we were intimate While we're turning each other on, he paused, looked at me and he said did you even notice that I am never going down on you? And I was like, yeah, I did. Why is that? And his answer was straight up, with full confidence Girl, as long as you have hair down there, there's no way I'm going to please you orally. And it crushed my little strive for that newly found confidence of not shaving every day. You know I'm not saying I had a big brush down there. I have experimented with not being as vigorous with shaving my intimate parts. Needless to say, I didn't date that guy for much longer.

Speaker 1:

It really is a story that makes me notice how my path of inner strength and finding my own values, finding what I like and actually pulling through with that, was fragile at a time of my life. I noticed through that incident that I so often molded myself to what my partners, or even just my friends, wanted me to be and, in full honesty, when I started dating and I'm saying like I don't know, it's probably 15. Girl, if you would give me a bracket of attention, well, I would willingly, gladly change my whole attire, who I am, what music I listen to, what I dress, like for you. And I'm so extremely glad to see that in the generation of my younger sister, who is 10 years younger than I am, this is by far less of a topic. I am not saying that it's eradicated, but what I'm seeing in this new generation is so much more self-confidence from a young and early age, so much more connection to their values and their core beliefs than what I had in this time, and it was a really, really long and dusty, rocky, harsh path to gather that inner strength of not being this moldable figure anymore that just tries to please their partner.

Speaker 1:

And I think it still happens in probably all of us where we got so starstruck whether that is in a romantic relationship or in a job or you know, whatever relationship you want to name it that we are blinded by the light of another and for a few moments forget who we truly are and what we stand for, and that shimmery shine is then really hard to keep our feet on the ground and also meet this person authentically, because in that moment where I'm like wow, I will not show up as the me that I genuinely am. So my first dating advice look out for that, check yourself when you are starstruck by any behavior at all. And here's the thing with men. I find that there are so many men that want to be emotionally available, but they simply have no fucking clue how to do that, because they didn't learn it and I don't want to blame it for them, but we're facing a culture, a mass of men that are not really in touch with their feelings. And if you want to get deeper into that topic, listen to the patriarchy episode.

Speaker 1:

What I want to include here is that, because of that widespread lack of emotional integrity, when we see a glimpse of it in a man, we are starstruck and we're like, wow, even though these things might be the bare minimum. And that is also something that I had to learn, because my own relationship to men I didn't have a solid father figure was pretty bendy and I was in awe of every little act of kindness or generosity that was given towards me, and that awe then blinded my own inner strength, my own courage, my own values. So, yeah, that really sucks if that happens, but I came a long, long way and being alone for a long time of my life was insanely helpful for that. Like, there were, I think, seven years where I was single and for a big part of those years I didn't date and I focused solely on my healing, my self-development, on how can I get more intelligent, more courageous, more brave, more daring, how can I, you know, get these parts out of myself that I want to be? But I haven't fully integrated yet.

Speaker 1:

And I think that's a big topic, because so many people date because they're so used to being with somebody or they want to be with somebody so fiercely that they avoid being alone, even though that is the very thing that would bring them closer to the actual person they are meant to be with. Because if I would have met my partner that I'm with now 10 years ago, holy fuck, I would have not been able to see him, I would have not been able to receive his love. There is no way we would have had that relationship. So I had to go through a time where I was living out some toxic trades, I was tinkering around with not very healthy behaviors, receiving and giving them, where I was playing games, where I was being confronted with what I had to learn in order to really know myself and what I want. And that's the next thing.

Speaker 1:

Like so often, I went on a date and I was not very clear about what I want, which, then, is really tricky when the responses are very mellow. That is not a single experience that I could share, but rather a widespread awareness that I'm having now. I was on so many dates where I felt like David Letterman, the one woman show, the entertainer, the one who had to tickle all the questions out of these men. It takes quite something to face a confident, warm-hearted and very open woman if you don't have that confidence grounded within yourself as well. So very often I and my very outgoing way of being would overwhelm men and even though they kind of liked it, they then would not be able to respond very well. So I was in a good handful of dates where I was always being the one asking questions. I was being the one who maintaining the energy, the vibe, the flow of conversation.

Speaker 1:

And you know what really annoys me because of these experiences that I had? It's when a man is unable to ask a single follow-up question like why do I always have to be the one pulling the information out of your nose? And when I'm saying something about myself, there is no deeper interest in it? Like you know, there's no follow-up question on anything that I'm doing. You just take it and then maybe respond with something that you have experienced. Like there's so many self-focused people out there. It's probably not even fair to claim that it's only men, but I do believe that women are more emotionally fine-tuned so they notice when there's a big imbalance in asking and answering questions. So yeah, the David Letterman experiences and a third awkward dating experience before I shifted over to the big and romantic topic of love is, and in full disclosure.

Speaker 1:

That also happened more than once. I dated men that were pretty mellow. I'm not saying those were bad men or fuckboys or men that did anything wrong. I'm just saying these were men that were still faced with a good junk of insecurity and thus weren't really able to show themselves. Where, on the other side, there's me, who's adventurous, who's open-minded, who has a really freaking, exciting life.

Speaker 1:

And while that is very exciting, for a lot of my dating experiences I've noticed that I was the only one keeping and bringing up the excitement. I was the person responsible for spark, the flash in the relationship. And I know this is also something that I can trace back to myself my insecurity because I projected something into these men that certainly weren't for me. But I entertained the thought of a relationship because I saw something within him, and that was enough to keep going on another date. And it is very contrary because, on the other side, I also think that I am a person that really needs to get excited about a guy to go on a second date, but it's the first time that I'm actually having that thought. I think my own excitement for love is so big that it was enough. I literally fooled myself. I was so excited about going on a date that my own excitement was enough to project anything onto him. And then his mellowness didn't even bug me, you know, and it always takes a couple of dates to notice wow, this person is actually not really showing up in any way. That gives me chills, makes my eyes sparkle. You know the feeling and you know what.

Speaker 1:

Bless therapy, because we're not all blessed with friends who are so radically honest that you simply cannot repeat that mistake again. We're not all blessed with a mirror that reflects back to us what shitshow we're running through. I do have that now, at least a few. But back then in my 20s I was traveling a lot. I wasn't very close to anybody, and to the people that I was really close to, I didn't really see them regularly. So if you do not have deep and meaningful and radically honest conversations about your deeply rooted love and dating behaviors with anybody in your field, well then please, please, please, find a licensed therapist. Shit that you are projecting onto people around you, onto the people you date. And it is so easy to outsource blame if something didn't work, but very often we are the root cause of our drama.

Speaker 1:

Okay, enough of my dating life. That actually helped me a lot in noticing what I want, or, more even, what I certainly don't want in my life. I also had three deeply meaningful relationships in my life that all contributed to a certain degree in strengthening my heart, in opening it up, in crushing it again and opening it up again, again and again and again. That was a loop for quite a long time, but I am the person that I am because of every man that I dated, because of every man that I loved, because of every man that I made out with, and that's the coolest thing. All those experiences, whether they're serving you or not, they will bring you closer to the very awareness of who you actually want to be with. What does your life partner need? Who is this person? What's the non-negotiables? So, even though I made some very questionable life choices, I do not regret a single one of them.

Speaker 1:

Now, love is another topic. Love is something that isn't found in dating. It might develop through dating, but real love needs safety, trust and a certain spark. If I don't feel safe with a person and I mean if I don't naturally say all the things I have to say, if I don't naturally relax into his arms, but instead try to, you know, like, look good, you know, push up. My boobs lay very sexy. If I cannot relax into a person's presence, then there's a lack of safety. If I don't trust a person innately, like there cannot even be a question if that person is loyal to me or not, then I'm not going to be able to, or not, then I'm not going to be able to be vulnerable, then I'm not going to be able to show myself authentically, then I'm not going to be able to be me in this person's presence. And if there's no spark and don't get me wrong, I'm not speaking about chemistry or a flame that is always there, every moment of the day, no, no, no, I'm not speaking about that but if there's not a certain spark that excites you both, that fuels the curiosity of you two, and I believe after a while it's getting very dull.

Speaker 1:

And I also really like the thought of like a love triangle and I'm not meaning that in terms of three people of like a love triangle, and I'm not meaning that in terms of three people. I really like to think of it as I'm a part of the love triangle, my partner is a part of the love triangle. And then there's our love as a personified or even an energetic source in that triangle and we both, we feed each other, but we both also feed the love that we have. That third point, that creature, that love triangle point. And you know, even in geometry, triangle is so much stronger than a single line.

Speaker 1:

And I genuinely believe, to get to the point of being able to give and receive love, not from ego, not from insecurity, not from a place where you just don't want to be alone, from fooling yourself or from being sparkled by the glorious attire of your lover, you have to know what you want. You have to know if it's actually time for you, if you're ready for such a love, or if you're just fooling yourself and you just like the idea of it but you don't actually want to show up for it. And I really like that book from Eric Fromm, the Art of Loving, where he emphasizes that so many of us want to be on the receiving side of love but very little actually show up as the lover, the giving side of love. So if you genuinely want to attract love in your life, then ask yourself am I ready to show up as the one giving that love wholeheartedly, not as a compensation pattern, not to feel less empty, but because you are full and you want to celebrate the love that you innately have for yourself with another.

Speaker 1:

And I do believe in soulmates, but not in the classic sense. I don't believe that there is this one person for you. When I was very young, I read in a Paolo Coelho book that idea of souls who split apart, and some souls have split themselves into numerous parts and some souls never did. It's really about finding that other part of you, knowing that there's not only this one. There might very likely be a thousand ones. I also don't like the idea of twin flame relationships. I don't know if you know that new agey term twin flame and if there's any truth in that. I also believe that it's not the person that you want to have a long-lasting relationship with, because this twin flame will trigger the shit out of you and that's the main reason and purpose for this person. You know, whatever, let me know your experiences or your opinions on that.

Speaker 1:

Another thought rising from literature One of my favorite thinkers, rob Bresni, wrote in a newsletter once it takes tremendous courage to melt your life together with another, and I find that so terribly beautiful, because that's what it is right Like. You can love somebody, you can fall in love, you can fall out of love with somebody, but to actually melt your life together with another, when you've already been solidified person you and them it takes a shitload of compassion of taking a step towards that person, of also consciously changing parts of your life so that you make space for that other person. Thinking of myself, my life is and was so full and I love it that way. So it took quite a lot for a person to come into this life where I would say like, wow, I want to make space for you, I want to share the valuable brackets of time that I have. And I honestly did 180 on that, because for the most part of my life I was this hyper-independent, super self-confident, not I-don't-need-anybody kind of woman. Side note that is also how I learned to fool around with the fuckboys, because I was all of a sudden so independent that I didn't need them and that was what attracted them.

Speaker 1:

But back to my point. I would always rather push people away and have enough of my private personal space. Right now, with that lover, with that partner that I just renovated a house with. I feel so safe to be so overly needy. I want to spend every moment of my free time that I have with him. I've been wowed by myself because it's so contrary to the way that I behaved in relationships before, but it feels good and it feels safe and it feels held.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, for anybody who really wants to find love, read that Eric Frum book. I think that's the best advice that I can give. Oh, my god, I feel like I have so many questions for you, but you are such a widespread audience it's really hard for me to ask you questions. So please, if anything resonates, write in. I would love to talk more in depth about that topic, about you know, more stuff that's tingling on the side, on the edges of that topic of love and dating and how to get a relationship and how to fall out of love, and I don't know.

Speaker 1:

I really love talking about love Wholeheartedly. I think I have a really big heart and there is a lot of space that I have learned to not give it away freely. The people who are deeply embedded in my heart space. They have earned their right to be there and I think that's where I'm going to leave it Me and my peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. I'm going to have a beautiful rest of the evening and maybe this conversation has sparked some thoughts, feelings, experiences, and if you're called to to share, that is my very favorite thing. I'd love to read from you in the comments in my instagram messages thank you so much for being here. I'm your host, sarah grace. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of the salty bay club. Have a wonderful week, lovers, and I'll see you next thursday.