SPODA: Samantha Barrios, Actor, Director, Producer, Ray of Sunshine

This episode starts with Olivia and Ari talking about Jake Elitzer's spiritual practice from last episode that they tried on for size, asking "is it true? Is it absolutely true?" in moments of doubt. Then Ari opens up (and hyperbolizes) about being one of the older cast members in the show she's doing. Olivia and Ari agree to a fun challenge of manifesting something for each other.

Then we get into the episode with our guest, Samantha Barrios, who is so full of joy and also very strong in her faith. We discuss getting re-aligned, treating an artist's life as though it is the "actor excursion package," fear of success, death and visits from loved ones departed, almost becoming a nun(!) and so much more. Honestly, we tried to edit this so that it would be shorter but it's all gold so we couldn't.

Beautiful Music by: Doug Harvey

Follow us @spodapod and email us how your spiritual practices are going at spoda.contact@gmail.com

Follow Samantha Barrios @tsamanthab 

and at SamanthaBarrios.com

Transcript

0:11

Hello everyone and welcome to SPODA.. Yeah, she's gonna sing Sing It Girl. Welcome to Spiritual Practices of the Disgruntled Artist, where we interview a new artist each episode to learn how they are keeping themselves sane. Sorry, I messed that. And spiritually healthy turns epically challenging. Time as an artist. Wow. I, that was truly incredible. I also liked how at a certain point just switched to like a three, four time. It got real staccato. I loved it. That was weird and I loved it. Do that every time. I, um, and the audience will love it. I hope this is your first episode with us because what a way to jump in. Yeah. You're like, whoa. Um, well, welcome, welcome. Okay, so part two of. Of the podcast. I won't sing it'cause I can't follow that up. Mm-hmm. But every time we have an artist on, we talk about their spiritual practices. Mm-hmm. And then me and Olivia take one of their spiritual practices and we do it for two weeks. Yes. And then we come back and we talk about how it went and what we learned and what we'll take and what we'll leave. And so that's where we are now. Last episode we had on Jake Elitzer. Mm-hmm. And his practice was, if you are feeling a heightened. Uh, moments of doubt. Moments of doubt, yeah. To ask yourself is what I am thinking. True. Is it absolutely true? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How'd that go? Actually, it actually helped me a lot, not career wise. Okay. But like, I'm a, I, uh. I can get pretty anxious. I, I would consider myself an anxious person. You would or you wouldn't? I would. Okay. Um, and I feel like if I get upset, you know mm-hmm. A lot of times it's like I get mad at myself. Mm-hmm. And so there's been times too where I've had to, I'm trying to think of like the actual moments, but there were a couple times where like. If Grant said something mm-hmm. Or like, or, or,'cause I feel like sometimes if I read into people's how they say it or body language or whatever, you know. Yeah. Take a moment to, and I, I, there had been a couple times where I was like, I felt like upset and, and, or not upset, but thought, oh God, you know, are they upset at me? Mm. You know, that's my biggest thing is like, you know, I don't wanna upset anyone. But then taking a moment to go. But is that true? Right. Right. And then is that absolutely true? And a lot of times, even at the first, you know, the, I feel like the, it's a two-parter question, right? Is it true? Okay. Yeah. Maybe part of it, you know, is true. But then the second part is, is it absolutely true? Mm-hmm. Is like, I think that like kind of caps it for me. Yeah. A lot of times. Even at the first, like is it true there was already like, well no, Yes. You know, sorry, I can't think of like that I. Zack specific example. No, don't be sorry. But it did help a lot. I think it helped a lot. I would think it would help a lot for any kind of anxious moment or anyone who is feeling that way. Kind of just takes the edge off a little bit to be like, let's, you know. I think, I think it, it helps if I become, if I'm starting to become emotional about something mm-hmm. To take it to, I think that is when it's helped. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. I. And, and also I think it did help a little bit with like, I haven't gotten really any auditions. Yeah. In the last, I can't even tell you. Mm-hmm. And so of course there was that like, you know, and your show closed. Oh, and the show closed. And then now it's like, oh, you know, did my agent, you know, are they kind of disappearing on me? Am I not, you know, all these things and. It, it did help just to be like, well, no, that's not true. We don't know. You know, I think it, at the end of the day, it's become like, oh, well, there's so many factors that you don't know, right? Yeah. So, yeah, that was kind of my experience with it. Okay. Yeah. Cool. I, this one, this didn't really resonate with me. Okay. Yeah. I feel like it's important we be honest with our listeners. Yeah, absolutely. And ourselves. Absolutely. Yeah. I think, uh, the spirit of it helped in that, like when actually what you just said triggered in me that my first rehearsal there was a guy and I was like, I don't think he really likes me. And then, and then I realized he was just busy doing something else and, and then we got along great. And I was able to sort of transition out of that thought quickly. Yeah, yeah. But I kind of try, I mean, I did, I tried to ask myself a question, is it true? Is it absolutely true? But even, it was interesting'cause when I was listening to Jake's episode, even when he was saying it, I listened to myself be like, or in moments of gratitude, like I tried to change what it was. Oh, because interesting. I think even as he was saying it, I think just part of me was like, I don't get that. You know? Like, not that I don't get it, I get it. Cerebrally. Yeah. Yeah. I don't get it in my bones. Yeah, because I'm trying to think too, like if,'cause he, uh, I remember Jake's example of it was specifically with his kids, right? Yes. So I didn't know if that you were going to, I know, encounter any of that. Like,'cause I think his example was like, uh, his daughter, right? Right. Yeah. They have dad, daughter and son won't have like, won't eat. Dinner and mm-hmm. And refusing. Right? And so I was like, no, he, she needs to get this dinner. And then like, okay, well is this absolutely true? You're right. Do they absolutely have to eat the dinner? Right? Have to be, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I don't know. Maybe, um, yeah, I mean, maybe it's actually a knock on me and being. I like, I, they yell about some ridiculous things with my children. You're right. Right. And I, and if I ask myself, is it true? I mean, what I do say is like, like everything can't be a tent. This is what I'm trying to teach them of like every, every breakdown can't be a tent. And I try to give them examples of sometimes we're going out and I leave my coffee at home and I'll be like, Ugh, I'm really disappointed that I left my coffee at home. Mm-hmm. But am I gonna scream and stomp my feet and throw an absolute tantrum at this? No. But I'm really disappointed. Yeah. There are other things that I will scream and stomp my feet about. Right. But it can't all be that because it is tiresome. Yeah. To those. But yeah, so yeah, I think that this one didn't, didn't hit, but that's okay. I feel like you got something. Yeah. Yeah. I think it, it helped. And it, and to be fair too, it, I felt similar to it's, it is like a mantra, so it kind of reminded me of Julia's too. Mm-hmm. Where like Julia's, uh, for those who didn't listen, um, there was a, like a mantra more or less that, uh, was given based off of our zodiac. Also in moments of doubt, actually. Oh, also moments of doubt. Yeah. Of like, uh, mine was like to, what is it? Manifest? What I truly design? Manifest all. Yeah. It's best. Uh uh. I'm decisive. Mm-hmm. I'm trying to remember that. Reminded me of something I wanna do. Okay. Okay. Okay. I saw, okay, go ahead. I feel like they both are moments that I feel like, I think both these practices are good to keep in our toolbox. Yeah. But I don't think that they are overall like. Practices that encompass a whole, I don't, what am I trying to say? Maybe, I mean, we've learned, I guess my, my throat chakra is blocked. Mm. But like there is something of they versus saying and dislike hearing it, I think like they, they help in the moments, but like overall, I think if we're talking like spiritual practices may not. Be as hitting, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. But that's okay. I feel like this is what part of it is. Yeah. And I think people who are more cerebral, like Jake is a very cerebral person. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It would probably help more for those type of people maybe potentially. Yeah. If you do it in, it sound in different, in different times in different situations too. Yeah. Like that's why I always look at it. He's like, yeah, maybe they didn't hit this week, but like. Maybe one day the future, right? Maybe one day. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Sorry, what were you gonna say? Uh, I saw this thing on TikTok about friends who try to manifest something for the other friend. Okay. Isn't that great? Yes. Can we do that? Yes, absolutely. This are our own homework. Yeah. This is our own homework. Okay. It doesn't have to be anything big, but it just, we like, can I think about it? Yes. Okay. Okay. And you don't, I don't think you tell me and I don't tell you. Okay. I think that's, that makes sense to, to me. And then with the next time we do an episode, we tell each other, I guess we, maybe we should tell each other like the good things that have happened and we'll see if it aligns with the other person. Okay. Can we do it where we'll manifest for each other? Okay. And like even give it a while. Okay. But like, but like, we'll know it. Okay. And then unless that person says, Hey, this happened, you could be like, that's what it was. Okay. If that person says, Hey, this happened, then you can say it. Yes. Okay. Like forever. Yes. So does it need to be related? Because the example that I saw, okay. No, no, no, no, no. That's what I'm saying. We could give each other like a couple months or a year.'cause who knows, you know, like, yes. I haven't thought I, I love this idea, but yeah. Isn't it great? Well, yeah, I thought of, I thought of one for you, but that's because I was like. Uh, came into here thinking about that. Okay, cool. I love that. Okay, great. The other thing I wanna share is that I started rehearsing. Okay. And everybody's younger than me and I feel okay. I don't know why. I think just in the past year I've transitioned so in my head from being somebody who's always the youngest on a set to now being someone who is in general, the oldest, so funny. Not that old. You not that old. You're not that old. But I, but it's obviously it wasn't within a year. I think it's one of those things where it progressively this project in general. No, like I was on a film in October, which I loved, and I was one of the oldest actors on the set. Oh, right, right, right. It's fine. I'm getting older every day. Like the truth is, and I wanna do this. For the rest of my life. Right. So like do, eventually I will be the oldest person but like crew members will be like, oh, help Ari get off the sets. My God. And you know what, then you're gonna feel so great because you guys still be on set. Yeah, I'll hundred percent do. Okay. Question. Okay. As becoming the older person,'cause this is so funny'cause I felt this a little bit with Much Ado Uhhuh. I'm not I, but I definitely wasn't the oldest. But I felt like Right. No, you were not. I felt like I was like the oldest in the bracket of like, if your breakdown between the older people in the cast and I was like right in the middle. Yes. If that makes sense. Like I felt like there were a lot, there were more people there younger than me, than there were older. Yes. Um, so same, so question for you is when did you clock it? Okay. Okay. And. How does it make you feel in the cast? Like as a member? Mm. Okay. So. I think there was an element. Okay, two things. One is that I think there were pitfalls with being the youngest person on a project, but I knew those pitfalls. Mm-hmm. Those pit, those pitfalls to me, eventually became clear of, I would start to take other people's input thinking that they knew better than my own. Mm-hmm. Like artistic vision because they were older than me. Yeah. I overcame that because it was years of me being, but it also felt really nice to be the youngest person on the set because you felt like I'm. Go in places, baby. Like, you know what I mean? So I think that was one of the pros of this, the one of the pitfalls of me feeling like I'm, in general, one of the older people, is that I don't ever want to be like the wise or the, that's for the leading question. Like do you feel like you can take care of them now? I mean, definitely on the set, definitely on the movie set, right? Yes. We talked about this. I felt like that. And there were two girls. Live in Mia. I think they, they listen, Hey, um, hi. Who, because there, it actually is coming from an altruistic place of just, I've been through so much and they've turned to me too of like, yeah. Agent questions and yeah, like, I want, I want people to have less of a hard time. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Than I had, and there were so many moments through my career where if somebody, if I just met an older actor on a set, who would say, Hey, that agent. Leave them. Like, here's why. Yeah. Yeah. And you don't have to do this now. But then it would, it helps me. Well, it just know because you've experienced it, like Yeah. You know, now that you have experience in, in things to share Very much Yes. Like you do. Yeah. And, um, so yeah. And so yeah. How does that feel to be that person? Yeah. I don't know because I, I think I'm just trying to balance of like giving, giving advice, but not being, but not being the wise old. So I think, yeah, I think, but not the wise old. Yeah. Quite yet, even though you are the oldest, like, I think what it, what it brought up for me, Like we are all being paid to do this play. Yeah. Which I really like the plays. It's actually a series of short plays. Actually, when this comes out, it's probably the vine. Yes. Pick of the vine pick up can, can I say grape? Grapes of the bot. It's probably on, like I was looking, we're probably performing right now. I was thinking about the poster and weren't they like Yeah, they were. Yeah. I think that's why I said Grapes. Yeah, grapes. Um, uh, pick of the Vine. Yeah. August, little Fish Theater. August 8th. You have my eighth. Eighth to the 24th. Eighth Lion Portal. Also, when I was on Dexter last year, that whole story, you can go back and listen to it. Wow. Wow. And 24th is my birthday. It's Wow. But yeah, It's just, it's just me reacting to being an older person in the room. Right. It felt to me you're just watching your journey. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's definitely a weird thing. It's a weird thing to be kind of aging. I mean, a good thing. Yeah. I'm still kicking. Yeah. And like I'm doing the thing. But yeah, I remember being on set for a movie like a couple years ago, and there was an actor who was in his fifties and I asked him like, how do you age with this? Mm-hmm. Career. And he just said, you just don't fight it. It was really good advice. He was like, that's great advice. If the industry and your agents starts sending you up for a higher age bracket and it's working, you just take the ego out of it and say, okay, now I play this age. Now I play that age. It's actually not about playable age to me. I don't think that's the hangup like. Right now in this moment? Mm-hmm. It's about going from being kind of the young buck on ever set to feeling like the old cow, like sitting in the back. You're like the young, you know, healthy, strong love that you're not this like, I love that image of myself. Thank you. Old feeble cow Moen from the back. No, no, I get it. It's like, you know, you can't help but you can like kind of just whenever your position changes, right, right. You can't help but reflect of where you are and like Yes. And all of that. So I think that's, it makes sense. It makes sense. And that's kinda like, I felt, I didn't feel for what a do again, I wasn't the young. Right. I wasn't the oldest. And they didn't know that you, right. And then maybe there was that too is like, a lot of people think I'm younger. Mm-hmm. Um, and so, but I, I notice it a lot in like, uh, in just the way people talk. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yes. Oh, the, like, generation, you know, because now Gen Zs are like, of working age and like Yes. You know, so like, just slight differences. But they're not like huge. They're not, you know, like, they're not like Right. You just, I think you just notice them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also it's made me really be grateful that I'm a part of a theater company and that like we are doing theater because I was watching this cast director thing about AI and verticals and how, I didn't know this, but I'm not surprised. Verticals are all over. Actors act actors' access right now? Yes. I feel like specifically, although, yeah, I guess all of'em. But like that was one of the questions that the, one of the, my mentees, I call them that I met on set, she was like, I don't wanna do verticals. Do I have to do them to get an agent? And I was like, no, absolutely not. You don't, because they're also, from what I understand, they're all fairly sexually charged. Yes, I think so. Well, the titles alone feel like what we did this. Oh really? What are the titles? I don't see like. Millionaire. Aris gets pranked. I don't know, it's pranked. I don't even know now, but they always have something to do with like rich people. Yeah. Oh really? I feel like, I feel like, what does that say about America? I mean, her, I've heard like verticals are you know, quick. You know, you're not on set for very long, but if you, if you're like looking for some money, some people are like you, it's not a lot of, you know, uh, time commitment and Right. This casting director was saying that, first of all, they're all, they're largely AI generated, which I did not know that. I didn't know that either, but she was saying that surprising, she thinks that in our next. Con like SAG contract negotiations.'cause they're non-union verticals right now. Oh yeah. But she thinks that they will be a part of the next like contract negotiation of getting verticals. Uh, to be like unionized, then sure. Maybe I'll do, well, I don't know. I mean, but I, what it made me think to myself, and this is gonna sound really bad, but I actually didn't feel that bad about it. I thought, oh, being a TV actor may not be a real job in about 10 years. No, no. But, but like, it's okay. Because if, the thing is, because what I thought was this, if this is AI generated, let's say it goes union are, are they gonna make it so that writers have to write this? Maybe, maybe this problem will be solved. I don't know. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But even if not, the theater will always live tv. It always has. Yeah. If you look at it from, well, machine AI ain't gonna touch No, no, it can't touch theater. It won't ever touch theater. And, and the Greek said back, the SSIS has spoken. Right. Like, AI ain't touching it. It will, there's no, it will live forever. Yeah. So it made me be like, okay, so then if I, if I'm a, a theater actor, then I'm a theater actor. You know, like, yeah, I'm ha then, then I'm happy. Yeah. Because it might be that the only people who are doing TV and film are these big, big celebrities and, and then the rest of us sound like, I hope that shifts away. I I hope it does too. I hope we're just at this height of this tidal wave that is the industry. Yeah. And, and you know, I, I would hope so, but it also, this is the other perk that it came out of this whole thing. Was, I was like, people's tastes, no offense if you're listening to this podcast, you got great taste. We love you, amazing taste. But a lot of people have really shitty tastes. Some people love to watch shitty tv. I mean, I like Love Island, so that's what I'm saying, like, yeah. So, but it, it made me feel, do you know anyone who watches? Verticals. I don't If you watch'em, please tell us. Yes. And tell me their titles. Yeah. And, and, and just like, tell us what you like about them. Like, we wanna know. Yeah. Genuine. We're not judging, but here's the thing. It sounds like we are, but we're not. I, I, I, I. Yes. Well, judging, judging, because I think, I think I, I think they feel, um, to me. Uh, akin to like soap operas. Mm. Yeah. But I'm not against being on a soap opera. Oh, absolutely. I actually asked my agent, I was like, get me on a soap opera. I've auditioned for them quite a few times. I was like,'cause I feel like if you get on soap opera, you can, you can ride that wave for a long time. Absolutely. And it's like fun and like, you know, if you're good at memorizing fast. Yep. That's. That's what I've heard. That's like your main thing. So they feel similar to that? Yes. Like they should feel like short versions of Because they're heightened. Right. They're always like, again, they feel like they're about like. Being a millionaire, you know, behind a millionaire. Yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah. But it made me, but it made me feel like, okay.'cause I said, I think in some way inspired my latest content creation where I take ridiculous license plates and bumper stickers. Then I just make a character of who I think drives that car so good. And I put out two so far. Well now it's much later in the time, so I probably put out a lot more and like, they're not, they're doing fine. They're not doing great. Like there nobody is like, right. But I, I also now like, just don't care. Yeah. Because I know that what people are liking is like content that I would never Yeah. Like, think is funny or whatever. Yeah. So it just, I, I also like, content is such a weird thing'cause it's like when it's gonna hit and why it hits it, it feels a little bit like. A lotto system. Oh yeah. Oh, you know what I mean? Goes viral and because one hits and what doesn't? I know exactly. I've watched somebody who I know who does impressions, so like one of his videos has a million views and is doing really well and then he's got a whole bunch that is like nothing. You know? Yeah, yeah. You just, so, you just don't dunno. And also like, I feel like if you're, I feel like this content was because you were inspired and wanted to put out fun stuff and like. That is it. You did it. Yes. You know what I mean? Like it's actually been really fun and, and it's, and I think it like that is the best part about it. Yeah. Is like you having fun with it and not worrying about, and I get to act every day. Exactly. I'm doing one today. The license plate is, is Mrs. Peepee. So how is it spelled? MRS space, pp like. The letters are PEE? Nope, just PP, Mr. Ppe. So Uhhuh, I decided that she's a Russian pelvic floor therapist. I cannot wait. I cannot wait. It's honestly so stupid. But it is really fun. I like where you went with this.'cause I was, when you said that, I was like, Mrs. Peepee, like I don't even know what the charact is. I know. Just like, I don't know. Just think of dumb stuff, but yeah. Yeah. I love that. Thanks. Can I, I can't wait to see her. Thank you so much. And meet her. Bp. Yeah, it's dumb. It's real dumb. If you have any license plates, um, send'em along. Uh, we have an email account. It's spoda.contact@gmail.com We also have an Instagram. And Yeah. All in the notes. All in the notes, yeah. And if, and again, I can't remember if we said this already, but if you want to do a practice, also none. A lot of these practices are not in real time, so mm-hmm. If you relate to a practice or if you're listening to these out of order. Yeah. It does not matter. So. Right. Or, or maybe you practice it and then you practice it again and it hit you, whatever, any kind of insight you get from this. Yeah, we love insights. We would love it. We would love it. Give us all your insights. Give us your insights, baby. Okay. Well let's get to our episode. Yay. Welcome to our, our new guest. Sing is out. Olivia. Oh, that's SPODA for you. Thank you very much. Hello? Jensen Germs. We have a guest. She's amazing. Her name is Sam Barrios. Or is it Barrios? Ooh, you are. I roll are, yeah. Can you do it? Can you do it for Oh, Barrios. Barrios. Nice. I took up salsa dancing. I dunno if you heard. So, um, she's an actor. She's a writer. She's a director. I had the pleasure of acting with her in a play last year. Yes. So good. And also you also directed me on an audition. Oh yeah. A little monologue for an open call. But I never got to do it because I didn't, they didn't. Oh, I gave, you know what I, you know what I'm saying? I signed up and I never got into this. Oh, you never got in with that. We worked, worked so hard and you were so good. Oh, thanks. It was really nice to be directed by you also. You were like kind of my emotional support actor during that process. And that show was great as an audience. Participant. That show was great. Thanks. Yeah. That's where I met you. Yes, yes. I couldn't place it. I You so familiar. I must her from tv. I know you remember. Yeah. Must be tv. I miss. Yeah. It must be on something I watched. No, uh, yeah. So thank you for coming. Oh, you so pleasure. Yeah. Uh, yeah. And you're also, you also mentioned that you also do a bunch of other stuff like produce and Yes. You dabbled in all the, right, well, I was, I was joking earlier'cause I have this shirt that says, uh, actor, director, writer, producer, some order. And then on the back we wanna write, you know, hair and makeup, scenic design, et cetera, et cetera. But I think that's part of the theater, I mean mm-hmm. You know, you just learn all these different part, uh, like aspects of theater and, and also if you're self-producing you just have to do, you have to learn so much.'cause you have to do it. Yeah. Yeah. There's not necessarily a lot of other people. So is theater like your main. Love of or of Yeah, I would say so. This is how I answer that question because I do both equally. Okay. Film, film, tv, theater, uh, I, I'm gonna say this. Live theater and then recorded content are the, the recorded, I mean that's right because it's, I also voice ever, whatever. Yeah. Anyway, um, I do both equally, and I, and I'm focused on both equally. I would say probably. But I, if somebody gave me the choice, I could do theater for the rest of my life and never do another recorded project. I could not say the reverse. Interesting. And COVID was testimony for that. I was like, yep, this is killing me. And it was really, really hard. Even, even, we're doing Zoom theater, it's just not the same. Oh, zoom Theater was the worst. Oh yeah. I did a Midsummer Night's Dream on Zoom. Oh heavens. Oh heavens. Oh Heavens is right. Something do in the beginning. Oh yes. Is that we either do. Three breaths or pull a card or both. Oh, I was gonna ask, I was gonna see if both was an option. Both is an option. Is an option. Yes. Yeah. And then I had a favor about the breaths, but you were gonna say that I saw you. Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no. I just, I have a lot of different, yes. Um, well, you do pull a card. This one's literally just like self care things that you should do. Okay. So you don't think it's gonna open a lot of question. You don't think it's gonna open a lot of questions. May, maybe not necessarily. Do you wanna take a bath? A bath or, we'd always, we, we always end on this. This is a great way. Sometimes actually after readings, this is like a great little cleanser of like, what should I do? And they're like, take a bath. Honestly, that's one of them. So there's that. And this one is that, uh, the Gaia Oracle cards. Would you to choose a part or do you wanna do breaths first? Let's do breaths first. Okay. Okay, great. My only question I was gonna ask is if we could, in our, in our minds, do we count? So I know that we're breathing together. Okay. Is okay. I love it. Yeah. What should count be in four or six? I don't care. Okay. Yeah. Let's, do you think so? for the four hold. Four, four lifts. Do box breathing? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Ready? Four. Four. How many breaths are we doing? Three. Okay, great. Okay, here we go. Okay. That was great. That was great. Thank you. Was that three? I lost so many. Yeah. There's something so powerful. I think it happens when people breathe together. I know. You can feel the energy shift in the room. Yeah. Yes. Like now we're in the same place. It took us a little bit, we did like two interviews, I think, without this, and then we realized, oh, it just puts people in the same space. Yeah. Like we need something to be like, here we are now. All of us together. There's a friend of mine started this movement called Breathe Together. There's a website, I think it's called Do As One. They have counted breathing and then breathing with intention so that every, and, and in there there's a map. Do you know about this? I feel like I've seen something similar to like watch. A breathing, it's like a circle. And so, you know, whoever's on that and you're breathing with whoever online with you. Like it's like connected. Yes. And there's a map and it'll light up all over the world who's logged in at the same time and you're all breathing together all over the world. Isn't that beautiful? That's amazing. Isn't that so great? Help do as one, do as well, your friend. Yeah. Sort of that. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So cool. Yeah. I love that. I do too. I love you. And it does, it feels so actory theater, like every time I do the breathing together. But it feels so good. There's a reason why, you know. Yeah. Yeah. We gotta get, we gotta get on in the same plane. Yep. Okay. It's gotta be in a circle. Olivia's big on circles. I have a thing about it being in a circle. Oh, I love that. So, uh, have you ever pulled a card before? I have. Okay, great. If you have a question that you would like some guidance on, you can think about that or you can just kind of be like, what do I need to hear? You can touch the cards. You could feel around if one is drawn to you, however, whatever makes sense to you. Okay. I feel like, am I supposed to be describing what I'm doing for the podcast? Can you imagine? She's got her right hand, her hands hovering. He's got a beautiful bracelet on them. It's pink sparkles. Oh my gosh. Hmm. Can I, can I, yes at it, you can do it and you can read it. I can look it. Oh, winter's end. Ooh, I like this card. Ooh. Oh my gosh. These cards are beautiful, aren't they? Pretty Regeneration, rebirth, positive outcome. Ooh, that's a good sign. Yeah, that is a good one. Okay, I'm gonna read it real quick. It's actually a pretty short one. All right, so this card signifies rebirth, regeneration, and new growth. You may not know it, but the cycle has already begun. Oh, a cold gray period of your life is coming to an end. A new season begins as with the tree lady featured on this card. The first signs of spring are just starting to show, but the first shoots have sprouted, and soon the new buds will be in full bloom as they bathe in the light of the sign. Many beautiful things are in store for you. New opportunities present themselves sometimes quite unexpectedly. When they do embrace them, do not hesitate for this is your time to shine. This is a lucky and prosperous period for you. Many things that were previously not possible now are doors that are previously closed are now open. Ooh, oh my gosh. And you have an affirmation. Oh, okay. I give thanks for the blessing that I receive each day. All is possible for me. Now. All doors are open. I invite prosperity into my life. I embrace new opportunities. Ooh. I say, I know, I know this card. I love this card. It's a great card. Gosh, put her here. I have to say, really interestingly timed. Yes. Oh, yes. Okay, Katie. Okay. Feel like you resonate with interestingly. I do. I do. So much so, uh, okay. Recently I've been putting a lot of my energy into my, I will call it my office job. Okay. And, uh, and I've been putting so much energy there, which is fine. Mm-hmm. But I went, something's not aligned. Something doesn't feel right. And I've, this year has been an interesting spiritual journey for me from, from the, for literally on New Year's Day. Mm-hmm. And, uh. And I just, I'm, so, I'm really sensitive to not being aligned. And I was like, okay, I need to realign and put my energies back into what I was doing before. I have not been manifesting, I mean, we're always manifesting, right? I haven't been intentionally manifesting. Mm-hmm. I haven't been, uh, I've, I've just been really like letting my agent kind of do like, I'm like, well, I guess she'll take care of the business part. I've gotta, you know, I'm gotta be focused over here. And so I reached, I realigned, and as soon as I did that, Kaiser, who I worked for regularly was like, oh, we've got two gigs. And I was like, interesting. Then I got this audition, which I booked. Mm-hmm. And then, and I was like, okay. And all these things just start little alpha reflections from the universe telling me like, okay, you're on the right path now. Yeah. And I, and I've been feeling like I'm in this. Getting ready stage for a long time. Mm-hmm. And now once I realigned, it was like, oh good, we can continue. Like it had this d Yeah, that's, that's what's happening right now. So then I get this, I'm like, alright. Yeah. And I'm traveling in July. Wow. Oh my gosh. Okay. I have so many questions. Yeah. That's going What happened on New Year's Day? Yeah, so New Year's Eve, I was at work and there's a very dear, dear, dear friend of mine there who, um, is a director and an actor and a writer, ridiculously talented, and he does security there. And he had directed me in a short film. Mm-hmm. And it's one of those things that I, I kind of bullied my way into this film because one of my other colleagues. I'm gonna get to the point in a second. Well, this is important. One of my other colleagues was in it already, and so I, and I've schedule who films on the campus. Mm-hmm. And so I was looking at the thing and I was like, oh, it's so funny. I don't see my role in here. So, so confused. So he starts laughing. He's like, oh yeah, I need to write you a role. I've been thinking about splitting this one character anyway. Mm-hmm. I'll get back to you. And I was like, I was joking. He was like, no, no, no. I want you to be in this. I was like, no, no. I was being that you could film here, it's, there's no, I do not need to be in your film. And he came, comes back to me with this script. He's like, no, you have to be in it because I need it. I needed it to be for, this is so much better. Mm-hmm. And, uh, and we were, and so it was one of those things where I was like, oh, I hope he's good when I tell you he is phenomenal to work with. He, the way he directed us was, it was like. Right in sync. Phenomenal for me. Wow. Yeah. And maybe other people would need something different. I don't know. But it, he, the way he's adaptable though mm-hmm. I feel he could work with anybody. So we'd had this really great experience filming in December. Mm-hmm. And then he started sharing with me some of these, his other projects. Mm-hmm. He was inspired by the short film we did from the characters. This other colleague of mine did that. He wrote a pilot and it's so freaking good. So, so New Year's Eve, I was there talking to him about this stuff and all of a sudden we had this conversation about where it got into spirituality. And I don't, you know, I work at a church. I don't often have spiritual conversations with, like, let's say security. I would with my, with my colleagues in the church, but it's still, it's still work. Right, right. And so I don't wanna. I don't like security. I don't necessarily know what their beliefs are. They could have any belief. Mm-hmm. You know? Um, and so it, but it got into this really spiritual discussion about where we feel that we could both feel that there was a big change on the horizon. That something was cooking and that something, uh, to this card, something was coming to an end. Mm. This was wrapping up and there was something blooming. Like it was just these little buds. So this is right before the new year, and I typically do the same thing every New Year's Eve, but this year I was like, I need to be by myself. And I realized, and, and part of it was because I realized this next part of my journey is gonna require me to be by myself a little bit. Mm-hmm. Or things are gonna change. Right. Not completely by myself, but like things are changing in my world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and that includes people. Right? Right. And I'm not really great at letting people go. And I, I was gathering this from the universe. It's not that I would intend to let people go, it's that the universe is like, honey, you, you're going Yes. And they're not. Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah. That's like such a natural thing when you, uh, change or available. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People, you shed things and Yeah. Yeah. And new people come in and stuff like that, so. Mm-hmm. Right. Wow. And I don't wanna ever feel, I don't ever, I'm, as I'm talking to you, I'm like, oh, it's like a therapy session. No. Because I don't wanna feel abandoned. I don't wanna abandon anybody. Yes. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm like trying to still right. But I'm like, I can see you, but I, you know, but they're like, I'm fine, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's so, but it was, and I went, okay, so this is gonna be hard for me. I need to be on my own. So I did this thing I had always wanted to do on New Year's Eve. It's just very ridiculous and morbid. And I went and watched the countdown of the billboard that has all the lung cancer death. It's a whole long story. I'll I about another time. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. And it resets at zero on New Year's Eve and hundreds of people go watch this. I need to hear I've, I've never heard of this. It's so morbid. But I used to work across from this billboard and I remember watching it going, I wonder if it resets to zero at the beginning because it's counting for the, how many people have died that year. And I went, let me Google. Yeah. And sure enough, and then there's even this article about how people watch it. And I was like, that's so morbid. I wanna do that. And I'd never done it over all these years. I finally did it. Wow. And as I was watching and by myself, well there were hundreds of people there. I had this like it, it felt like I was like sliding back in. On the path. Mm. Wait, were you there? You were home watching on No, I'm at the billboard. You were there. Okay. You at the billboard and there was people there too. Hundreds of people. Wow. Wow. I think I see it and go, I don't wanna look at that. I know, Lord. It's horrible. It's depressing and I'm a very sad story about how, anyway, that's another for another time. But yeah, so, um, yeah, so not so watching that happen and being by myself, but surrounded by people. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I was like, oh, here we go. I know this feeling all too familiar, but this is also the feeling of moving forward and that's how this year has been. So, okay. So when did you experience that the last time? Like, is there another touchstone moment of feeling like, okay, and now I'm moving forward? Uh, I would say the last time there was a big one in 2019, and I would say from when the pandemic started, uh, there were little, there were some, there were a couple little reflections. Mm. But I, I do think that is when I started kind of getting off, off path. Mm. Interesting. Yeah. I feel like Is is it, do you think that's a kind of this like through line, like whenever you have these, okay. Okay. I guess there's a couple questions in this of like, you need a notebook. Is this not, I feel distracted by it, but my questions are like you mentioned I guess the question is this, this feeling is it, is it, you are, you are like, oh, I know this feeling. Yeah. So I guess my question is, is like, is this a, is this like a sensation in your body? Is this just like high intuition? That's part of the question. And then the second part is is it kind of always kind of coincided with whenever you felt off track? Is it almost like bumpers in a, in a bowling lane? You know, like, is that metaphor, you know, like, thank you. Yeah. Um, wait, what'd you say? It said good metaphor. Oh, it's a good metaphor. It's a really good metaphor. Um, yeah, I guess like more of like clarification of those moments. What, what are they for you exactly. Or is it, is it easy to describe or is it like, yeah.'cause I'm noticing this through line, you saying it's, I'm off track. I'm off track. I'm not aligned with, I'm not aligned. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, thank you for those questions. And I wanna say, am I allowed to like. Pull in from another podcast. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. We love that. Yeah. Yeah, because that's so funny because, uh, there, it's interesting, uh, when we were talking before you all, you and you and Philip were talking about, God's purpose and the cookie metaphor. Oh yeah. Love the cookie brownie metaphor a lot. Cookie comes up a lot. Yeah. Oh my gosh, it's such a great metaphor. Uh, and I was, while listening to this, I was also thinking about how, oh, how do I, what is that for me? And, uh, and realizing, okay, there's several, there's several things. So the alignment portion is definitely a feeling. Okay. And it is also sometimes, uh, well, I'll say this, the spirit we haven't even talked about like what our beliefs are. Whatever. That's okay. The spirit that, that is of, of discernment that I'm getting. Sometimes it's like a giant frying pan to the forehead. Mm. Uh, a loud voice. Sometimes it's a still voice. And, but, and to the cookie metaphor and the purpose of like, what we're, what is our purpose? What we're trying to do, and to answer your question is I feel when I'm further away from my, my purpose, my part of the plan, what I'm called here to do, it feels, I want to say maybe only word I can say is darker, but I don't know. It's not a visual. Darker, it's an internal Darker. Okay. And so it doesn't feel like something, I don't feel like I'm hitting walls, like it's not a bumper. Okay.'cause I feel like i'm going use the word God and mm-hmm. And that's all encompassing is like you, you can choose what you wanna choose. So if you wanna, I don't have a bumper lane for you. Okay. So if you're gonna continue down that path, that is, you know, it's where you're gonna do. Mm. But I can feel like I'm getting further and further away from my core purpose. Okay. Okay. And where, where I'm called, um, and sometimes I don't pay attention to it, and then I'm like, oh my gosh, how did I get here? And that's what I feel like started happening in, in 2020, is that I stopped paying attention and then I was like, how did I get here? Okay. Yeah. What do you feel like your core purpose is? So, okay, so this is gonna tie back into why I was thinking about that and how it, how it tied in. Because I was like, I would say earlier,, there are very clear. Points that, that have been revealed to me, if you will mm-hmm. About what is gonna happen in my life. No idea when Okay. No idea what it'll look like. I just know elements of it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Mm-hmm. But recently I realized that those are not the purpose. Mm. Those are just like, kind of, little preparation hints, interest, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The, but my, my purpose, I'm used all the time. Sometimes it's in conversations like this, and I have no idea. I knew that coming here was gonna be. Important because when you, as soon as you texted me mm-hmm. I was like, whatever, I have to move around. This is what I have to do on Saturday. You just felt like a gut check. Like, yeah, this, I have to be here on Saturday. Yeah. You seem highly intuitive. I feel like you Oh yeah. Sam is, yeah. This is like crazy. I was like, wow, I've never heard someone, you just like, you just know. Yeah. I was like, wow, I've had quite a few years, my 25 plus years to, to, but, but this is the thing, this is why I'm really glad you're doing this practice because it takes intention and practice to understand this. I have been blessed. I recognize this. I've been blessed that ever since I was a child, I have been aware of this and the people around me were verbalizing it. Yeah. So, as a child, I alwa, this is why I love that, uh, Philip says that he prays, uh, with, I'm assuming both children. Mm-hmm. Yeah. One is probably old enough to actually do it, but you know, like, um, because being able to talk about these things helps. When we're young and we, we don't have the world in our brain of what we should or what we could. Mm-hmm. Or what's real or what's not. We can stay close and in tune Yeah. As we're growing, but still allowing in this, I'm really blessed. My family really allowed me the opportunity to still make my own choices. Mm-hmm. I wasn't forced into believing any certain thing. Mm-hmm. Okay. Did you grow up, did your family, were they religious? So, yeah, so I was, I was, uh, what they call Cradle Catholic. I was born and, you know, baptized Catholic. However, my family is very, very spiritual. Okay. And so, I grew up also with uh, very Native, native American beliefs and traditions. Okay. Um, and then I was raised in Oklahoma and so that's. Bible belt. So I had friends that were dragging me to, you know, all these other places, and my mom was like, oh, experience it. Let me know how it was if you liked it or not. And so, you know, then as seven, eight years old, I was going off with my friends and then I would come back and I would tell her whether or not I liked it or felt good about it. And this was, I don't know if my mom consciously was doing, like, I don't think this was intentional. I think she's just gifted because she would ask me how did it feel? And I would tell her how I felt. You know, like, and so what that did for me is it's, it is, it instilled that whatever I'm experiencing is valid, even as a, as a child. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. And so I think, so to your point about the intuition and stuff, I've had, I've always been focused on discernment and, and so I've, I've been developing this for. Uh, several years. So by discernment you mean like knowing what your gut and, and a higher power is saying to you? Yeah. At the same time. Yeah. You feel like they're connected? Yes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, just because I don't wanna lose this Yeah. Your core purpose. So we, you have the stepping stones, and then something that Julia said, which I thought it was a really important thing, she said she feels that her purpose is a theme, like her purpose is healing. Mm. And so she had, it reminded me of what you said.'cause she was an actor for, I met her because I taught her acting for a brief time. And then like, she stopped acting. Now she's writing, she does other things, but it's all the purpose is healing. Mm-hmm. With these other things. Yeah. And it was, and Grant brought it up too, was talking about referencing, you know, that his like. His and, and Doug even said, right, his purpose is storytelling. Yeah. So anything he does that is storytelling feels like aligned with him. Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah. I think also my purpose is also themed. I just never thought about it that way. Yeah. I think my, I think I have several themes. I think mine is, uh, love and education. Mm. And education in the broader sense of like helping people uh, learn their worth. Mm-hmm. Or learn their divine nature or learn their talents or bring out, Hmm. Maybe that's more what it is. Bringing out their actual spirit, their actual real essence. Mm. Yeah. I love, I love that. Yeah. How did you, my sister, these like kind of stepping stones. What, can I ask you what they are that you see that you're like, I know this is gonna happen in my life. Ooh. You can say no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can say, you can say next question. Hmm. I probably won't share all of them. Okay. Yeah. But I won't share a few. Um, uh, it's funny now,'cause all that's coming to my head are the website. You don't wanna say it. Okay. Here's another reason. No, I'll do, I'll do it. Yeah. No, finish your question. I'll go back. Well, just like, if, do you feel like a Spirit universe guide gave you a vision of these things? Or you just feel like, again, it's in your body, you know, that these certain things are gonna happen? Well, both. Okay. So early on, uh, in high school actually, I had this moment where I. I knew something was gonna happen and I went, oh, well I guess I'm not gonna study law. Like, I just was like, okay, I guess that answers that. I knew you were, I guess I won't go to a conservatory. You were And artist. Okay. Okay. But I always had this because I love law and I love mathematics, and so I always was like, okay, when I turn 50 mm-hmm. I'm gonna go to law school. Is that one of the things? No. Okay. Okay. That was me not wanting to, like me wanting a cookie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And, and, and it was law school. Heavenly father was, yeah. My cookie was law school at 50. Yeah. Well, no, no. Like as a as child. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted to be a politician. I was gonna be the first woman president of the United States before I realized that's never gonna happen. I'm sorry, I'm laughing. I'm like jaded. I'm in a jaded, cynical moment. I totally get it. Yeah. Yeah. And so, um. Uh, though I just now got a movie idea. I have to write this down the whole time. Right. Wow. Wow. Uh, the reason why you came to this podcast? Oh my gosh. Yeah. That could be the, okay. So, um, anyway, So my, yeah, my cookie was, you know, law school politics. That's what I was gonna do. Mm-hmm. And then, uh, heaven, my father was like, here's the brownie. And I was like, I like brownies. Alright, so, um, and then, uh, I'm gonna kind of jump ahead, but, um, a lot of different things happened in my life, spiritual journeys, and, and I became part of a church that does, um, that there's. A thing called patriarchal blessing. Okay. And so it's like your own personal scripture, like from God through this mouth of this person, it's yours and it is your own personal scripture. Yes. And in that when, and some of these things I don't tell anybody. Mm-hmm. Not even my journal at the time at, in that scripture, I was like, oh, okay. That's the, that was the vision. Okay. You were surprised by it. I was surprised. Well, I was surprised that this random person I'd met that day was saying the vision. Wow. That I had gotten. Essentially, describe this process. Like you would sit down with someone and they would kind of commune with God and tell you what your church Yeah. You go, they're give, just giving you a blessing. Like they, like they would give, uh, so in the church you give a healing blessing where it's like someone's praying over you. Right. Oh, okay. And they're just praying. But it's like that. So you go in, you meet like talk for like you. I dunno, a few minutes. Mm-hmm. And then you sit down and he prays over you. Wow. I mean, we started with a prayer Yeah. Of just like open spirit. He talked, he gave me, he talked to me about what a al blessing is, and he, you know, be careful who you share it with. It's not about what did you get, you know, it's just, it's for you, it's just guidance and it's just your own, uh, kind of just, it helps when making decisions in life, right? Mm-hmm. It's just, you're supposed to be your own little, and it's usually counsel and advice. It's not necessarily a for, it's not telling, it's not gonna tell you your future or whatever. Right. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and mine had some specific things in there and I was like, and Interesting. Yeah, it was. And so, uh, so I kind of held, I've held, held that. Pretty close.'cause I'm like, that matches. Mm-hmm. Okay. And then I call these little alpha reflections where I'll have something happen and it'll be like, this is little, it's, it's, yeah, it's happening. Yeah. It's a little precursor. Wow. So do you feel like, do you classify yourself as Catholic now? Like, is, is that what you'd say your religion is? No, I would say, oh, a friend of mine just said this to me. She calls herself a cla, a Catholic plural list. Uh, what's that mean? Yeah. Like, uh, she's very Catholic. Mm-hmm. But she, um, is open to, uh, truths from everywhere. Okay. Yeah. Right. Mm-hmm. So she, you know, practice Catholic believes it the way to go. Mm-hmm. And, um, but yeah, as has other practices as well, I kind of think I'm maybe. A spiritual plural list. Okay, sure. So I go where I feel truth. Mm-hmm. And somebody said an analogy to me way, way early on, they said like, okay, if there is truth mm-hmm. There is universal scientific gospel, spiritual doctrine. That is truth. And it is shattered. It is as if, uh, everybody has pieces of it putting this together. I love that. I do too. And then I started thinking, I feel like it's more like everybody was given all of these, lots of people had full things, not just everybody had one. Mm-hmm. And some people have gotten theirs really well together. Yeah. And some people maybe just have one little piece, like they haven't found the rest of the pieces. Right. But that piece is still truth. Yes. Right. And uh, and then. I, I found something where I was like, oh, this is all the pieces. I just feel like sometimes though, let me back up real quick. When I connect with higher power mm-hmm. I feel like it, that is like God is above earth, if you will. Mm. Okay. Right. And can see time and earth at the same like all of time and all of Earth at the same, like,'cause it's above. Okay. And I'm watching everything below. And so where we are, you know, 2000 BC 1300 now, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's all we're, we're in different places in knowledge. Mm-hmm. Through evolution. So, but it's, but if you're above it, you're just kind of seeing it all as a grand picture. So I feel like now we may have all the pieces. But we may not be able to see the whole thing because we can't, we're not ready. We're not evolved yet as humans, we, there's no way we can, our perspective is down here. Yeah. Not, not up there. Yeah. So while I, uh, have this other practice, there are times where I'm sitting there in church going, Hmm. You don't get it. You know? Right. So, but it doesn't mean that they don't have truth. It doesn't mean that their intention is not pure Right. And honest. It's just where they are in their mm-hmm. Evolutionary process. And sometimes they feel like churches are like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they just haven't quite Yeah. Evolved. So, so spiritual, plural. I'm a spiritual plurals type Plurals. So you believe in God. But I do have a practice. I mean, I do go to to church, but I guess I go to two churches. Okay. I wanna circle back to that. Yeah. I do believe in God do in God. Do you believe in the universe? I believe in, or is that, is that the same thing to you? The universe that exists around us? Or You mean like the universe as a power? Yes. Yes. Yes. Do is that the same thing or are they different things? Uh, same thing. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And then do you believe in spirit guides? Yeah. Okay. And that's a, I'm a spiritual plurals. There's probably pretty much anything you say. Yes. Here's the thing, I think we have different language that means the same thing. Yes. So I'll just tell you, I mean, I, I've been kind of skating around this, but when I was 18, I was Catholic, Catholic, Catholic. I was even gonna be a nun and then I, whoa. Yeah. I had this very spiritual experience, so spiritual experience. And then I went into, okay, we're definitely gonna go back to that. Wait, wait. I'll tell. I could tell the story really, really quick. I was doing NUN since two, the second coming and we started, wait, what nun Since two, the second coming the musical. Oh, okay. Like nonsense. It's our name. Okay. There's a second one. There's four of them actually. Anyway, so I was doing some research and I went to this convent and I, like, there was all these beautiful sisters that were like, no competition. They all loved each other or they, and I was like, and they're doing service. And I was like, this is so beautiful. And then I had this amazing spiritual experience that I was like, what was it? I'm supposed to be a nun. I can't even tell you. I was in church, it was in mass Uhhuh. And it was like as if I was not in mass and it, it, it was like kind of body. Yeah. Like white light or, you know, just energy. And I was like, oh my gosh. And then I had this thought too of like, I love, I'm so in love with Jesus right now that like in my little 17-year-old mind, 16-year-old mind, I was thinking like, I wanna marry him. Wow. And then I find out nuns marry Jesus essentially. And then I was like, I'm supposed to be a nun. Like that, kind of like, right. Oh, what did your mom say about that? She was like, okay. She, you know, she's like, wait, you, you know, you do you. And then I, so I was like, we are gonna mass every single week. And she was like, have a good time. And so I went to Master next week, and it was like regular mass. And I was like, where's the white light? Where's the angels? Where'd it go? No, I'm talking to like walking up to take the, you know, taking communion. And I was like, I get it. I'm like, just regular communion. Like, I was so disappointed. I was like, something, okay, I'll, I know it, I'll just meditate, get, so next week I go going to mass, I'm like, I'm so ready. And I was like, am I supposed to be a nun? Like, I was like, maybe I'm not supposed to be a, yeah. And what did you, did you hear an answer? God was like, no. But you still should love Jesus that much. But I was like, so anyway, flash forward. I'm in college, I'm reading Reading the Celestine Prophecy. And in this, have you read the Celestine Prophecy? I feel I, I highly recommend you both read Celestine Prophecy for this. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is so good. And in it, it talks about choosing your paths. Mm-hmm. And like which path seems like light and bright and all this which path seems like dark and scary. You obviously don't do the dark and scary path. So I was offered several jobs for summer stock and this one job was paying me more, but it was like ensemble, these, these were like roles but not paying as well. And they looked like great, but something felt dark. Mm-hmm. And this was like bright and beautiful and I was like, okay, I guess I'm going to go do this random musical in Utah. But while I was there, it had another significant. Uh, when you were talking about Mount Mountain climbing and like doing all this stuff, it was in, it was in the mountains. Wow. By a waterfall. Completely alone. Oh, it was like your whole story. I was like, wow. Yeah, I've been there and had this where everything was glowing and I was like, oh my gosh. And then I was like, am I supposed to join this LDS church? And then it was like, yep. Okay. So I did. So then I was, I mean I guess technically am but LDS for that many years. But I always still went to Mass'cause that's when my family does. Mm-hmm. So are you still LDS now? Mm-hmm. Okay. LDS Latterday Center. Mormon. Yeah. Mormon. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. That's why I thought, I just wanted to clarify for my own knowledge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Okay, so you work for the Catholic Church Uhhuh, but you go to a Mormon church. Uh, okay. But I go, but I would say more often now I go to mass because of work. Okay. Okay. Like I go to mass a lot. Yeah. We have mass every single day. I don't go every single day, but I mean, there is mass every day. Okay. Wow. I know. Okay. I don't know too much about the differences. Yeah. I would say, let me say this, so this is what I was gonna say. This is the whole reason I'm telling this story is going back to what you're talking about, the semantics. Because I'm sitting here and even when I was listening to Philip talk about the Trinity mm-hmm. I was like, everyone says like that's the big difference between the LDS church and the Catholic church. Mm-hmm. Pretty much what he's describing is very similar. Similar to what? So, and I bet you anything, if people are listening to this from both religions and be like, no, it's not, this is, I'm sure they'll, and I'm sure they're right, but also I'm going. I think they, I think there's truth here. Mm. And I think there's a universal truth that maybe we just don't quite see.'cause we're not above it. The truth we're in it being the the father, son and Holy Spirit truth, or just the truth being like this is all kind of speaking to the same thing that, yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Wow. So, okay, two questions. How have you felt this relate to your artist world? Yes. Like do you, have you talked to people about your religion and or do, does it, does it feel any, like, are you resistant to talking about it at all? Talking about religion to To artist artists. To artists, yeah. I feel resistant talking about. Religion, spirituality, just in general because it comes with so much baggage and hatred. One of the reasons why, whenever you said, are you still LDS? I was like, Hmm. Yeah. Because I have problems with the outlook that most Christian religions have on the LGBTQ plus community. Right. And gender and sexuality. I don't think, I think their viewpoints are outdated. Like, like we've, we've evolved. We understand more about humans and human nature just scientifically. Right. And uh, and also connectively and, and spiritually, and I understand people's resistance or fear from before, but I'm also like. Okay. But we're past that. Yeah. And, and let's move forward. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So I have some really strong problems and I know people will be like, well, you just have to trust and you just have to, you know, da da da. And I'm like, cool. That's just not where I am on my journey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, you know, people wanna judge me for that. Judge me, but I'm all about love, love, love. And I feel like I do very, very much believe that Jesus Christ is, is that all that happened, like it's real. He is divine. All of it happened. I really believe that. So I also, because I believe so much in him, his whole thing was love. Mm-hmm. Right, right, right. Whole thing. Yeah. The whole basis of everything, every single thing he did, everything he talked about, every scripture goes back to love. Mm-hmm. And that is like my whole core of being, it has been since I was little. I mean, my, that's all I know. It's all I've ever known. And so that's. Where I, I just go where there is love, where I feel the spirit just so strongly about love. Religion, some, some people that have used the religion to harm others. I have a really hard time, uh, talking about it because I don't want it to hurt somebody that maybe has had a bad experience. Yeah. I just want'em to feel love., I don't think Christ has an ego about this. Right. I don't think he's like, show them love, but make sure you use my name. Yeah. Like, I think he's like, just love them. Let them know they're love. Let them know how important they are and you know, we'll meet at some point. Mm-hmm. Whether it's next experience or not, you know, I just don't think he cares, uh, in a prideful way. I think he cares in a loving, in a loving way, in a, in a way of like, this will only make you happiness and, and bring you joy. And that's all I care about. So, all that being said, I feel like theater specifically, but art in general is, is a religion, if you will. not in a culty way sometimes in a culty way Yeah, okay. Yeah, you're right. But in a good way. A good way. In a good way, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But in a, but in a transcendent way. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, so I don't feel like you can really take this spiritual aspect out of the art. Mm. I just, I mean, you can try, I have friends that are like, I know they're gonna listen to this mm-hmm. And know exactly who they're, that are like, it, like I joke, like the first thing that comes outta their mouth, like. Hi, I'm an atheist. Yeah. It's like, so like it's more important that you know that they do not believe in a spiritual being Yeah, yeah. Than anything else about them. It's like that strong and I'm like, when we talk about theater, it's really hard for them to find a vocabulary that interesting that doesn't have to constantly be, but I'm an atheist. I don't, you know, like, I'm like, Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Hmm. Because there is something transcendent. Yeah. About artistry and what we do. That's true. It did make me think about something which comes up every episode.'cause I'm kind of obsessed with it. This universal consciousness idea of, we are all one. And how like, in a way when we're acting we are like tapping into a consciousness that is not ours. Right? Yeah. Like, like sometimes my thoughts are the character's thoughts and you could say that that's just from the work that I've done. Or it could be like another entity that is putting the thoughts in my mind. Yeah. Or a person who is consciousness is also a part of this collective consciousness who's like, I'll help you out. Yeah. I experienced what that character you're playing and here's some thoughts I had. You know? Yeah. Oh, I've have never thought about it in that term. I haven't either term. I like that because we, there is something that is connected. I don't have the words for it, but there's something that is connected that is beyond that. It's exactly like you're saying where it's just kind of given to you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That we experience when, when we're communing. I mean, one I remember in conservatory. Year one. Month one reading"An Actor Prepares," Stanislavsky.. And there has a whole chapter on communion. Yeah. And that's why I don't if you remember this, but before we ever do every show, I'm like, eye contact. Oh yes. I do my little like pinky sw kissy thing. Yeah. But really I'm just doing that Pinky. So you kissy thing so that we're looking at each other's eyes. Wait, so what, what, what is this pre-show? Oh, I just do like this. I love that With every single person. Wow. Mine was dancing to Fergalicious. It very, oh. Which is also very spiritual and important, also very spiritual. I think it made me be like, it's okay to look dumb. I think that's why I do it. Bring up the energy. Do you think you look dumb doing Fergalicious? I think it's just like a silly, like yeah, like, yeah, like dumb. Like, like dumb in a good way. I call what I do I, I call any of my comedy stuff dumb.'cause I think it's like, I think dumb is good. Like goofy or silly, is that what you mean? Okay. Because I'm like. You rock that. Okay. The journey so far. Yeah. So you said since you have this experience, new Year's Eve Uhhuh, and now until this point things have been like kind of back in alignment. Yeah. Has it made you change, what you're putting your focus on? How has it changed your life now that things are more in alignment? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think, um, it has changed what I've been putting my focus on. I am still getting there though. Yeah. Like there's still, there's still some things that are on my to-do list that I still am not doing mm-hmm. That I need to do desperately. Um, if my agent is listening, it's my headshots. I know, I know. So fear wrapped up that, because you brought up the headshot to me when we saw that great show at the Geffen. I know. And I was in the middle of them and I still haven't finished. Can't imagine. Are you, are you scared of it? Are you scared of it helping you or something? Is there something holdings you back? Holding. Uh, you said holding. Oh, I didn't, I didn't like that. I didn't like holding. I don't Oh, that's funny. Um, but it's worse when I do something like that and then I don't correct it.'cause then it just sounds like, I think it's holding, you know, you know, the sad thing is when you, when you said it, when you looked at me like, yeah. You like mm-hmm. I like you said anything wrong. Sorry. But I am now gonna tell everybody that means it's holding. What is the headshot thing? I took the headshot in September. Okay. Okay. And I have not gone through them. You haven't looked at'em at all? I have looked at'em. Oh, okay. Okay. I'm, I am over halfway through. I wanna, I would like the record to show she took 1800 pictures of me pictures. Yeah. I am not exaggerating. There are 1800 pictures. Yes. And I'm going through them and I think, uh, I think there's two things. I have ADHD and sitting down for that amount of time doing that kind of work when there's no dopamine hit. Mm-hmm. Maybe if like, I got like a buzz every single time I did a picture, like, like, that's what we need. Or like a team, maybe I feel like, oh, I'm winning. I don't know. But it is, it is excruciating to me to have to sit at that computer and be like, you know, and they all look so similar because Yeah, and then, and then once I whittled them down, then I've gotta go through the whittled. Yep. Yes. It's a process. It's, yeah, for sure. Hard such baby. But you don't feel like it's wrapped up in any resistance to success? I don't think that is. Mm-hmm. I don't think the headshot is. Do you think there are other things that you're doing to inhibit your own success? YI think, I think there is. I think I'm a little bit afraid of success. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm starting to get out. It's so funny. I'm glad you asked that.'cause it's, I'm starting to get out of my way and then things happen and I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. You know, because I'm so nervous, I'm like, oh, I'm afraid of success. Yeah. Because it's like, as soon as I get out of my way, then it's like, and I'm like, oh, wait, wait. That's too fast. What scares you about it? Like just the pressure of it? Uh. Oh gosh. I think pressure. I think it's a, it's a world that I'm not familiar with. Mm. Uh, I just was having this conversation with that director I was telling you about. Really? Yeah. Where it's like, you, you're, you're now in the, the room. You're now, you're having the success, you're now doing all the things that you wanna do, but you're, you're not used to that. You're used to the struggle, you're used to the fight, you're used to having to prepare, you're used to having to do everything on your own. Mm. You know, change, just change in general. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. In a, in a world. Like, we kind of know it, but, and then also, like, I have a lot of people in my life that are very, very, very successful in this business. Uh, I say successful success is so subjective, but people would look, you know, yeah. Look at them and say they're successful.'cause I know who they are. Uh, and so, and I'm looking at their lives and I'm like, it's. Lonely. It's hard. It's, uh, and, and the decisions that they have to deal with are decisions. I'm not, I'm not super equipped to make, I'm super equipped to make the decisions I've been doing in my life Right. And survive and like, you know, dealing with my finances. Yeah. Right. In my struggle. I don't know. I don't know how to deal with that. What am I gonna do when it's, you know, when I'm not living paycheck to paycheck? Right. Yeah. You know? So, I don't know. It's just, it's, it's, I am afraid of being wrong. We, we, as I think, uh, recognizing that gender is also like, whatever it is, but we, we have, we've been in the society with very binary society and women are conditioned one way and men are conditioned another way. Mm-hmm. And, uh. From my generation mm-hmm. Of 25 plus. Uh, men were conditioned to be brave and strong, and women were conditioned to be perfect. Or I should say, boys were conditioned to be brave and strong, not, don't take no for an answer. Yeah. And girls are conditioned to be perfect. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I have to understand, do you fight perfectionism? Yeah. Yeah. And it's so funny'cause I don't fight perfectionism in my art. Okay. I, I can get it there and be silly. Make a fool, make a choice. It's like, Ooh, that was not the, you know, let out a note. And I'm like, oh, that was incorrect note. You know, like, it'd be fine. Yeah. But in certain areas it's like, you know, I don't wanna be wrong. I don't wanna say the wrong thing. I don't want to, you know, miss my opportunity. That's a myth that's not real. Yeah. There's no such thing as the one opportunity. Right. Uh, I just wanted to note, you've mentioned loneliness a couple times. Yeah. And you said that you were preparing in this next mm-hmm. Phase of like being alone. And then you mentioned like, with success, they're lonely. Mm-hmm. I just wanted to talk about that more because I was like, that's so interesting. Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you mean like loneliness as in like, you know Yeah. Like shed, you know, new people and stuff like that. But you're, are you like afraid that you're not gonna have like, the community that you have? Or like, what, what do you mean by loneliness? In, in that I know I just met you, but you have such a, like, jovial warm uhhuh and you're all so much about love. I can't imagine your life lonely. Yeah. Oh, and so that's why I'm so interested in why you, you brought that up. So, because yeah. You have such a love about you that genuinely, like that's, you also said that was kind of your life's theme is love and Yeah. First of all, I wanna say thank you so much for saying that.'cause whenever people say that they feel love or warmth for me, I'm like, yay, feel it? I'm like, yes. Love. That makes me feel I'm very happy. Thank you. Yeah. I'm so glad. Um, so, uh, do either of you watch the Chosen? Okay. No, but I know two people on it. Do you really Aalok and, uh, Noah. I need to know their character names. I'm so sorry. I'm not name Barnaby. Yes. Oh my gosh, I love him so much. I gotta send it to him. He's good. Shout out Barnaby him. So, and Aalok is like such a great person. He's awesome and his character's so beautiful and the way he plays his character is so endearing and I'm very nervous for the next speak. Couple seasons. Yeah. Well there's Barnaby in the Bible and I know it happens to Barnaby in the New Testament. I'm like, is this the same Barnaby? And please tell me we're not gonna see that. Oh my gosh. Anyway, and then the other, his name is Noah. I don't know who he plays. He's got long-ish curly hair. He's very sweet. I'm not gonna do any spoilers. Anyone listening hasn't watched.'cause I do. I highly recommend this show. Mm. It is so beautiful. Re regardless of what your beliefs are, it is a beautiful human, uh, look at this story of, of Jesus. Mm-hmm. But where I was going with this, and I mean this is not a spoiler. Everybody knows the story. Uh, there is, there are times when, when Christ Himself is alone mm-hmm. Nobody can be with him when he goes on that part of the journey. I think that's just part of our earth. Mm-hmm. Excursion. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I think what I think when I say loneliness, it's connectivity. And, I'm really glad you said something. Right. Right Now you're giving me confidence or strength or hope that, uh, as we move forward, that connection can still happen with people. Um, but you know, there, there are like time gets in the way, jetting from, you know Yeah. Gig to gig. Yeah. It's busy. Uh, it's busy. And, and the one thing that I feel like I have been blessed with is the ability to connect quickly. Yep. Yeah. So that it can be even that short little gig. Yeah. There can be at least something. Um, but I think it's the in between that. It's the, you know, I get post show depression real bad. We were just talking about that. We were just talking about that. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's for real. I'll get post show depression on a Monday in the middle of a run. That's, well, yeah. Literally Olivia's show starts next week. And she was saying like, I'm already like feeling it. Yeah. It hasn't even started. Yeah. Yeah. Because now you're not gonna be in rehearsals. Yeah. You're gonna be doing your show and then you're gonna have a break and then Yeah. Well then, you know, like, I just already know the show's gonna be over it's done. Yeah. You know, so you're like, Ugh. But it's kind of insane to ask ourselves as actors to be like, when you're not acting, you just have to shut down that part of yourself basically. If you don't have an audition or you're not a play, or you're not in a film. You're ju, I mean, you could do classes. Yeah. Like you could do your own stuff. Yeah. Like that scratches a little bit of it, but really like the heart of the thing performing the thing. Yeah. Yeah. You're supposed to be just like, ju just like shut it down until the next time. Like it's, that's like, I don't know any other profession that's like that because it's not consistent, you know? It would be one thing, but if I knew I was gonna do another show next, immediately, I already know I'm going right into rehearsal. I'd be like. That's, that's his, that's great. Yeah. You know? Yeah. That is, well, for me, I thought that was the cure Uhhuh and I started doing back-to-back shows, and then you just get burnout and exhausted. Really? Okay. Yeah. So you kind of need the down, I mean, it makes sense. It's like with workouts, like you need the off day. Yeah. You need the downtime. Well, I, okay. Yeah. I would say yes, unless we were being paid what we're worth. If I didn't have to also do other stuff Right, right. Then I think I would absolutely, like I still give myself the opportunity to grieve like that day or two, to grieve the show that is no longer mm-hmm. But in a, in a beautiful, like, let it go as a little butterfly. Yeah. But other, if you're having to do other things too, then it's just really hard. Yeah. The post show blues are a real, a real deal. So, but I stray from the thing. So, but you, the loneliness you are afraid of is it's, is it you're afraid of letting people go here? Like is that what the loneliness as you're describing there? I mean, that I, I came to that realization Where I finally was like, I'm, I need to work on this. I'm gonna have to accept this. And interestingly enough, as soon as I was like, okay, this is what, this is something gonna be back, and I started doing that. Mm-hmm. Then. That it started. Yeah. I started having to shed and I start, and what ended up happening was I started, I, I, I got, you know, my abandonment issues came in and I was like, ah. And then I, it was like, claws in. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I was like, I can't do both. And I'm like, you know, and I, and I'm rugging wearing, wearing myself out, trying to do both. Yeah. Even though, you know, it's better, but you can't help it, you know, like Yes, yes, yes. And then what happened is I found myself stuck in a toxic environment around people that were, are, are toxic. Yeah. And were harmful to me. And, uh, and it was all because I wasn't letting go. And the second, the second I, well, I was kind of forced to let it go actually. And that I was out of that and then released that. I was like, oh my gosh, this is a whole different world. I'm so happy. My life is so much better. My career is going crazy. Like it was just mm-hmm. Yeah. So. Yeah, there's power in that. I mean, we say it a lot that, like I say it to myself a lot, season reason or a lifetime of friendships that come and go and to be, to be able to be like that friendship is over for reasons, but that served a purpose. Yeah. You know? Yes. I love that you say season reason. Was season reason low a lifetime? Yeah. Season reason or a lifetime Learning that sometimes people are only in your life for a season was a huge Oh yeah. Huge discovery for you. And it's ha it's kind of horrible.'cause sometimes that season is long, that season is like years and years and years. And then to like mourned the, the end of that, but, but also know that it's part of the experience. Right? Yeah, absolutely. So I'm gonna tie this, this is actually a good segue into this Earth thing. And then also know what you were talking about before in the, in the other pod, in the Philip PO Podcast about purpose and everything. So a a friend of mine sat me down and said, I'm I'm gonna start looking at Earth. I think I may have even already told you this, but I'm gonna start looking at Earth as like a vacation, like a tourist. Oh. Where, like, I chose the actor excursion package and I'm living in LA Oh, wow. And I love this. Isn't this amazing so much. Shout out to Rebecca Larson. Yeah. You love this. Yes. I know she's talking. I was like, oh my gosh. And I was like, right. And she's like, yeah. And then we're just, I'm just here to experience things like, Ooh, look at this. What is this? Like, oh, ooh, I had a really bad encounter today. I did not like that. Uh, like, I'm not gonna revisit that one. You don't leave a bad review on that one. Yeah. Like One Star without Encount today. My God. Oh my gosh. She's like, I'm my own sim. Oh my God. Right? Yeah. And, and like I'm just here on earth, like I put on my little skin suit, right. And I'm like, Ooh, what is earth like? And I was like, you've just like, what your reaction was was my entire reaction. Yeah. And then I went, wait, that is actually what this is. Yeah. It's not just a mindset that is literally our little spirit beings put on our skin suits. Yeah. To just experience earth. Wow. Yeah. And we are conditioned when we get here with this myth that there's some sort of goal or success or, or fruit that. Shows some imaginary purpose. Mm-hmm. But the fruit is actually the experience. And I think the fruit of this, the, the purpose of this is to learn love and learn happiness. Like that's why we're here. If we don't experience pain, we don't know what happiness is and we don't experience loss every time. I've lost a lot of people in my life. I've lost two people already this year. I've lost one. I'm sorry. Thank you. At least one person since, uh, the year 2000. Mm-hmm. Uh, every year and sometimes more than one. But the what has come from that is, first of all, realizing I don't actually lose them. Mm-hmm. Uh, but then also, uh, that I have had the blessing of loving so much. Yeah. That I have loss. Right. Yeah. And when I miss my dad so much that I like, it is just. Like, when he first passed, I was like clawing at my chest trying to get the pain outside of my body. And, uh, it was so much. And then when I finally was able to think clearly, I was like, oh my gosh, how beautiful is that? Love so much that it hurt so horribly when he was gone. Like, I felt so happy and blessed that I could have Wow. That we love each other so much. Wow. That like, wow, I'm so thankful for that pain. It was so beautiful. And so now, and I feel we're all crying. I know. But you know, and, and I think about that all the time. I lost my best friend to, to brain cancer and, uh, oh gosh. It was awful. It's horrible. It's still horrible. Um, the good thing is I, I mean. He visits me regularly, so that's nice. But, um, but the, but the, the loss. But I'm like, oh my gosh, I am so blessed that we loved each other so much. It's a beautiful outlook. Yeah. It's a beautiful, yeah. I love this so much. Yeah. And I, and it feels real to me. It doesn't just feel like a trick that like, who will get me through the year? Yeah. It feels so real. Yeah. You can tell. And then I'm like, oh. Right.'cause that's what this earth life is. Yeah. Right? Is to experience things in its fullness so we can know what love is, know what happiness is, know what everything is. And so, uh, when, so in that, when we talk about what's the purpose Yeah. And what you, I think you just added one more missing piece of that puzzle of the theme of, oh yeah, my purpose isn't like the plan may be that I'm gonna. Be making these films and doing all this stuff and doing these workshops with kids and doing all that stuff. That may be the plan, right. Of, of how God is like, okay, this is how we're gonna use you uhhuh in your little excursion. Right. But, uh, the purpose is, is, is daily. Sometimes it is with a big crowd. Sometimes I am in front of 2000 people sometimes it's in a living room with, with three people though. Mm-hmm. Millions of people are gonna be listening. 12 12, 12 fell. Okay. Do you feel like there's a soul with this, this discussion of like, we're here to take the actor package, which like I love that. I love that too. It's name episode, what a great reframe of like, oh, a yikes. I haven't heard from my agent in a while. I, I'll like this part of the action. Yeah. Maybe next time. But that, is there a next time, like next time you choose a different, like a lawyer package. Oh, oh, interesting. I don't know. Like reincarnation, incarnation. Yeah. Like reincarnation. Yeah. I have struggled with that for a long time.'cause I used to very, very, very much believe in reincarnation. Okay. And then I started going, oh, I don't think I was reincarnated, I don't think I was living it. I think I was watching it. Like, I think I, I was like a little spirit child. Like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. I love watching these people in this pyramid country or whatever, you know, like, watch, I can't, I can't tell. I, I mean, I relate to that because I think about it a lot and I've never been like, I know that this is true for me, but whenever I do cards or anything like that. And something comes up about a past life. I remember I was doing one and they said, you might be the first of your kind. Like you may not have had a past life. Oh, interesting. And anytime any of that has come up, you fresh. You fresh. Anytime that's come up, I've been like, yes. Like I just had had a gut oh, if I think it's possible that it is real. Like reincarnation is real. Mm-hmm. You're looking at me so knowingly. Oh no, no. Annoyingly no. No. Knowingly. Oh, knowingly. No, no, no. Oh no. It's so funny. I like, yes, you, yes. You actually have not had lives. You are so funny. But like we had, when we had Julia on here, she's knows about her past lives and like had this experience where she was like back in Versailles, and. And I, I feel like that, yeah, I feel like maybe you're just new. If it is real, maybe we're just new. I have memories. And the thing is, is I can't tell if they're memories of experience or memories of watching. I cannot tell. Really? Yeah. But I have, I mean, they'll, there will be a time where I'm like, did I experience that or is that a past life? Like where I can't, oh, so maybe so I don't know. But I, again, I don't know the answer. Or maybe in your past life you were like a photographer or a videographer or something. It's a, the photographer saw I that I dunno. But then also like, but then I also go, okay. Or is that DNA passed down? So I'm having memories of my ancestors. I do not have, this is a part, this is one of the mysteries. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Do you believe in souls? Yeah. Like little spirits in her, in her little skin. Skin suits. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I love that. What do you think comprises the little spirit? Like are you talking scientifically like matter or are you talking, I guess however hits you, she's, what do you define as a soul? Right, or a little spirit if you got, or little spirit. Yeah. I think the way you describe it's now spirits in the skin suit. Love. Yeah. Um hmm. Do you think you were like, this soul was born connected to your body Also. Connected. Do you think this soul has, like you just said, you're not sure about reincarnation, all that stuff, but like when you pass, does that go up or is that staying down? Is this your personality or like what? Yeah, because I think. Soul is, is a, is a hard term to, to define. Yeah, it is. I definitely think it is a,, I don't have the words scientifically, so I don't know, like matter, I don't know. But I definitely think it is sentient being, it is something that is before in our skin suit and after. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And uh, whether or not it's reincarnated multiple times in different earth excursions, I don't know. Yeah. Uh, but I do feel like there are little fresh spirits that haven't come and got their little skin bodies yet. Uh, watching us now going like. I can't wait to get down there like, so. Great. Yeah. That was so fun. We're gonna do a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Be with my friends. Be a podcast. Yeah. And it's interesting too because I think, and when she was talking about this, she was like, you know, I, I wonder if like, because she was also going through some, some trials and some really hard struggles and she's like, I'm wondering if I was like, you know what? Give me those struggles. I wanna, I wanna go down there. I wanna feel pain. I wanna, and I wanna try and like get over it. And I wanna try and survive through that. And that gave me a different outlook on the pain and struggles of this world.'cause I hurt so much when I'm thinking about the atrocities that are happening overseas. Yeah. Or right here around us. When I think about, um, the abuse that happens to people, to, uh, the whole slave trade that is still continuing in this world and currently around us, uh, the children, things that happen to children. I'm so defensive of children, I just feel like I have to protect them. Like it. Our older people that anyone who cannot defend themselves, and even those who can, like, I just don't want pain to happen to people that is inflicted or them to their choices to be removed. It really upsets me. And then I think when she said that, I was like, Ugh, that's a, that's helping me to be okay with that. Of like, somebody that's like, it's gonna be hard, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go down there and I'm gonna get the horrible package. You know, because they, you know, they thinking about it in a beginning and then a after. Mm-hmm. Like, it helps me to deal with now not saying that we don't still fight, like to protect. Of course. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Oh, I'm about to get real deep on you guys. Okay, great. I love it. We're here for it. And I'm also gonna sound very cuckoo too. Oh, well, sometimes I'll feel like I am completely aware of where I am, but I'm also like, I am not here. And is that right now, like in another dimension? You know what's so funny? As soon as I did that I was like kind of Yeah, yeah. Let come back. Yeah. So give us some wisdom. Give us wisdom of the other dimensions. What headshot did you parents? Oh my gosh. If, oh, I've been, honestly, ask, you're so brilliant because there's so many more of them tonight. They could each take a few and then just let me know which ones. Oh, that's so good. I actually am gonna breathe for that tonight. Yeah. Okay. I love that. Oh my gosh, it's amazing. Um, okay, so you feel so like in this other you ghost place. Yeah. So we're doing this guided meditation was at the Ignatian. Uh, Jesuit retreat, and we're doing this guided meditation. And, uh, in meditation. I'm now sitting on the beach with Jesus and I'm just kind of cuddled up and I feel my uncle's present. My uncle passed away, um, but he was a very, uh, spiritual mentor to me. Mm-hmm.. And, uh, I feel him like, kind of with me, and he always does this thing where he said, when he was on earth, he would say, uh, I would never wanna leave him. And it was like, I'd have to go like to work or rehearsal or whatever, and he'd finally would go, Sam, you gotta go. Okay. Okay, go. You gotta go. You're gonna be late. And I would go, okay. You know what? I was like, sorry. So when he passed, I had this spiritual experience where I was like praying and I was at the grave site. I was. Like my family had wandered off, but I was like, I'm standing here but I'm not here. And I felt him like hug me. And we had this moment, it was like conversation. It was so beautiful. And then he was like, okay, you gotta go. And I was like, I don't wanna go. But he was like, you gotta go, grandma needs you. And I was like, no. And he was like, okay, okay. Same thing. And like it was him not a memory, it was him in that moment, like, and I'm like, and I opened my eyes and I could see my grandmother and she was very upset. Like not, I mean, she was just really emotional and I needed to go over there and hug her and he was so right. Wow. So in this moment, this year, I'm sitting here and I feel, and I, uncle Raul, we, this is, we visit each other a lot. Anyway, he comes, he sits with me. We're having this beautiful moment and he is like. And I'm like, I don't, and he didn't even say it. Like, it's just like a, I could almost feel like his head leaning on me. And I'm like, no. Right. And I, and I like, and he was like, well, you need to write in your journal. You need to write this experience you're having in your journal. And, and the bell's gonna ring so you need mm-hmm. You need to go. And I was like, I don't wanna go. I don't wanna leave this. It feels so great. And then I could feel, sometimes I feel like God laughs at me, like not laughs at me, like, ha ha. But like, like laughs at me. It's like, oh Sammy, you're so funny. You know? And I could kind of feel like this with Jesus. Kind of like, he is like, you're not, you can have this and be present. Like you can be here and there at the same time. And I was like, can I? He was like, yeah. And then I felt Uncle Raul, like, we're gonna do this together. Wow. Just open your eyes and you'll see that you'll be with us. And I was like, okay. And I just opened my eyes and I was like, oh my gosh. I am here and there at the same time. I was like, and then it was like the, I don't wanna move. Like if I move, it's gonna change everything. And then he, and then I felt Jesus saying like, okay, every time you look at somebody in the eyes, you're gonna see me. And I was like, okay. And I turn over and I look at my friend Ralph, who's just praying, and he just kind of looked at me for a second and I was like, woo. And then he kind of went back, and then I stood up and I looked at every person that was still in that room. Some of them were writing, some were still praying. Every once in a while somebody would look up at me real quickly and I was like, I do, I see you everywhere. Oh my gosh. Okay. Mm. And I, and I was like, I'm gonna go write my journal now. You know, like go outside and I write everything down and I'm like, oh, it was like sitting on the grass. I'm like, this is incredible. And it was just so beautiful and spiritual. Now do I feel like I'm in that constant place now All the time? No, it would be overwhelming. Overwhelming. All the would be overwhelming. Yes. Yes. But in that moment, and so I try to remember whenever I'm looking at people and having that communion and connection, just that little bit of like, wow. And I don't understand how it works. Yeah. I don't understand, understand. Like I know Jesus is, is a being. I believe that. I don't understand how he's also inside of every like, but there is some universal, yeah. Collective consciousness that we all share. Wow. I love that. Now I know note the, the I contacting. Yeah. So going back really quickly, I realize this about relationships, like failed relationships. I was talking to my friend, my, one of my besties who became a therapist and I was like, oh, okay. I think. I just wanna say for the record, she does not give me therapy. That would be illegal. Right. We do have really meaningful conversations. Oh, yeah. So she, but we'll talk about stuff and I said, okay. I think I'm realizing something about relationships. When I see people, I see their spirit. I like their little essence. The little, little spirit being the little spirit. And so I see who they are. Yeah. But that may not be who they are right now. Right. Because they're living this earth life in their excursion. And I don't know where they are in that journey. Right. I just see who, who I knew before. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And so I fall in love with that. Right, right. And then I go, oh, I see. You're not there yet. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. So I have a couple questions. Yeah. But then we should get into your spiritual practices. Yes. Okay. You said your best friend visits you. You also said that your Uncle Raul Yeah. Visits you. Yeah. How did they visit you? Uh. It is so funny because also this year that is be, I'm getting more and more in tune, and so it's almost, I can feel Clayton like right next to me laughing like, oh, hey, can you answer this one soon? Yeah. Like, I can feel his entire like, hi, just totally waiting. And I'm like, okay. Uh, I feel I, I, I, I am not entirely sure because I feel like there's still so much of this journey to learn. Mm-hmm. Um, when he was dying. When I've lost people in my life, I know that I've lost them because I can feel their spirit, their energy. So the same way that I feel your energy now. Mm-hmm. Um, in person. Right. I could feel it that strong, not a memory. Like, I'm like, uh, okay. Yeah. Well, when Clayton was dying, I would feel his, his spirit. Mm. And I would go, okay. And I would call my mom who was there at the house, and she'd be like, how? Everything's okay. He is, uh, he's out, you know, he's sleeping or whatever. And I'd be like, okay. Mm-hmm. Is he sleeping? Or, you know, right. No, no, he's, you know, and I'm like, okay. Because I'm like,'cause he's okay. No. All right. Mm-hmm. You know? And at first I started to doubt like, maybe, maybe I'm not feeling him. You know, maybe I just am, I don't know. Maybe I just want him to be released so badly. So at one point in time, I was at work and I just was overcome with emotion and I just couldn't, like, I couldn't hold it together. And so I ran away from my desk. I ran into this conference room, dropped on my knees, and I started praying. While I was praying, I saw Clayton laying in the bed. Mm-hmm. And I felt this huge light source right next to me. Mm-hmm. And it was. Like all this energy was coming from it onto Clayton on the bed, and I could feel him and then all of a sudden I'm seeing all these people surrounding him. Mm. And his brother was there who had passed six months before. Wow. And uh, and then people I didn't know and I'm like, who are all these people? And then all of a sudden I felt Uncle Raul right there on my shoulder and I felt. Tons of like my theater family, that some knew him, some didn't. And, uh, then my, my great-grandma, like, like so many people, and I was like, I go, oh my gosh, you guys are all here? And they're like, of course. Well, you love him. And they're all there. And I'm like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. And I'm in this spirit, and I'm just like, and it was not scary, or it was just like, beautiful. I was like, and, and then I was giving Clayton light. Everyone's giving him light. We're all, I'm like, this is so amazing. And I'm like, oh my gosh. And then it was like, and then Uncle Raul goes, of course. Okay, go back to work now we got this. And I'm like, okay. And I felt good about it. I was like, okay. And I could feel as if I was like moving back and they were, and like my family and friends were moving in to just give him light. And I'm like, and then I open my eyes and I'm like, oh, I'm back on Earth. Okay. And I go back to my desk, I'm filling it. And so I go to the house that night and I, his mom is there and so I start telling her about this experience, and like halfway through, her eyes get huge. And she goes, stop. You have to tell Susan right now. And Susan is his wife. You have to tell Susan right now. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I call Susan in and and she's like, and she goes, tell her, tell her what you. And so I start telling this and I, and then Susan and I get really big, and she's like, you were here. And I go here, what do you mean? And my mom is even there. And they're like, the reiki healer had come in, was at the foot of his bed. Wow. Was starting the reiki. They're all around him. They're starting the reiki process of giving all this light and energy. And then the Reiki healer goes, whoa, there are a lot of people here. What she was like, I am, there are rows and rows. It's, and I don't know who's here, but somebody here loves him so much. It's very powerful. And remember I said like, right here is this light. And I was like, wow. I was, I got to be there. And I was sad.'cause I, I knew they were gonna do the reiki healing. I didn't know when, I didn't know it was even that day. And I knew I, you know, I said to work all the time, so I wasn't gonna be there. But then I was there. Wow. Wow. So then I realized, like, oh, he was, he's going in and out. So he is visiting me. So when, so the reason why I tell that story is because I feel like, when I say visiting, it's like we're in that other plane. Okay. And so here, but not here. Or maybe here. I don't know. That's why I, I don't kind of like now. Been taught to be in both, like it sound, you know, like that. Well, that one, that other point. Yeah. You know, it's like now it sounds like it's easier to feel it. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think you're right. Yeah. And maybe, maybe there's some more clarity in what that means of like how they can be in both. But I've also like, I've had a very weird, spooky experiences my whole life, and so I've like always believed that the spirit world is on this, really, this part of it with us. I don't know how that works. Okay. I dunno if it looks like this, but I'm just saying I don't know what, but it's, you know. Wow. Wow, wow. It's gotta be here. That's a crazy story. That is. That's beautiful. Yeah. I love. Wow. Wow. Um, okay. I have one more question. Do you have a question? No, that was crazy. That was amazing. I feel like I've never off and on cried so much. I know, but I'm so beautiful. I know. Yeah. Yeah. You're a good storyteller. Oh, thank you. Um, okay. Do you believe in free will? Yes. Oh, yes. Do you believe that it's divine? So, because the bumper, the bumper bowling metaphor uhhuh from the very beginning. Oh yeah. Right. Where like it rolls and like, if you wanted to roll this way, it's gonna roll this way. So like, if you chose to roll your ball in another bumper in another lane, yeah. Would there be, um, divinely inspired motivators down that path? Or do you feel like the divinely inspired motivators would be trying to push you back to the lane that's best for you or none of that also fine. I, I feel Oh. That's a great question. Like, no, I just wanna clarify like it's always like no matter what lane you choose, you're going to be divinely guided Uhhuh. Is that what Uhhuh, okay. Okay. Yes. So like if you chose to be a lawyer, would God be like, okay, let's make this happen then. Yeah. Or would God be, or a universe spirit guides be like trying to nudge you back towards your life as a performer I think two things. I probably think several things, but I think, I think there's gonna be something for me personally, and then I think there's gonna be something in general. Mm-hmm. So I think that, I think, God, the all encompassing God. Mm-hmm. Uh. I mean, look, I like to say I'm only father and heaven mother, because that sounds the way we use father and mother and I have a great relationship with my parents, so that's not triggering for me. Mm-hmm. Uh, that's, that feels that nurturing, caring, loving thing. Right. So when I feel like because they don't have this veil and they know us so well. Yeah. They know what we're gonna choose. So even if it's like, look at this beautiful cookie, it's so amazing. And I'm like, but you remember when you said Brownie? Yeah. Right? I'm like, yeah, that cookie, you know, I'm like, mm. Brownie, they're like, uh, have the brownie. Right. But they know she's gonna choose the brownie. She always chooses the brownie. It doesn't matter how you dress it up. Right, right. But if you say Brownie, she's gonna choose the cookie or whatever, you know, like they just know they know us. Right. So. Uh, I feel like that is how there can be a plan with also our free will. Mm-hmm. Because it's just, they know, but we are experiencing it from I, my choice. Okay. I didn't have the choice thrust upon me, if you will. Mm-hmm. So, uh, I feel personally because I've spent so much of my life trying to be in tune and find happiness and love that when I'm being guided it is to find happiness and love. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So if I'm going over here lawyer track and they're like, you're gonna be miserable. Right. They're like that, you're gonna be Samantha, you're gonna be miserable. Yeah. Okay. You want a taste of it? Here's taste. Oh, I don't like this. You're right, right now. Okay. So I feel like there is a little bit of guidance. I feel like because we have such great conversations, like, I i'm also very strong-willed, and I was having a moment where I very clearly had been given promptings of what I should do, and I made another choice and it did not go well. Mm-hmm. And I was walking in and I literally walking from my car and I could just feel the presence of Heavenly Father right here. And I was like, I don't wanna hear it. And I could just feels like little laughter of like, not, again, not malicious, not just like, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but like, I didn't say anything. Yeah. And I'm like, mm-hmm. Like that kind of, so we have this, I feel like I have this great relationship with God where it's very, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So for, so for me, I feel like it's a little different if we wanna talk about, generally speaking, I don't think God is gonna get an anybody, like the whole point of our excursion package is, is choice is right, our free will, and they're never gonna take that away. So I feel like adversarial forces try to limit choice. So when I feel that. That there is when choices are being taken away mm-hmm. That is 100% adversarial. Oh, okay. Period. Mm, period. Interesting. Because that's the whole, that's the whole thing. Right, right. That's the whole plan. Like, go down there, experience life, make your choices. Yeah. And that, and, and especially if you're believing Christianity, if you believe that there's a, a divine being that came down here that had to suffer for every infinitely, for every single person, whether or not they accept it or take it or love it or do anything with it or not, he's suffering anyway. Overcoming whatever this mortal coil is, uh, if you believe in that and that, that is again, not determined on whether what you're gonna choose. Right. And that is this gift. Anything else that tries to stop the choice of just life, why would we need him? If, if it was, I'm gonna force you to go and, and follow and be all, do all the right things and don't sin and do all of that, then why would we need somebody to come down and do the infinite thing? He wouldn't need to come and suffer because we all have to do the right thing. Right, right, right, right. So the whole point was that like, I'm gonna let all these little spirit beings go down and have their little earth excursion. Mm-hmm. But I want them all back. Yeah. If you don't mind. Right. You know, and, and, and the, the way the ld, I love the way the LDS church talks about this because it's like, he's like, here's my plan. I want all the spirit beings to go and experience Earth and the adversary's. Like, I like, I'm gonna go down and I'm gonna make sure they're all gonna do the right thing, and they're all gonna choose you and blah, blah, blah. And then I get all this glory. Right. And then the reverse of it is Jesus is going, I I'll go and I'll. I'll just do all the things so that they can just have their experience. Mm. And I don't care whether or not people believe in me or not, is adversary, like devil. Yeah. I guess people, some people will say like, Satan or, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Wow. All right. We should choose a practice. Yeah. So what are, I don't even think we touched on it. No, not really. What are your spiritual practices that you do on like a day to day or week to week basis? I've been thinking a lot about this where I'm also like, I'm so glad they're doing this podcast so I can get spiritual practice or just things that are like habits. Right? Right. Or if there's any one that you wanna revisit, you know, that counts too. Yes. Yes. Because I have, like, as we talked about, I have a DH ADHD and I go over the dopamines, so I have a hard time creating habits, uh, or, or I over. Create habits that are not helpful. Mm-hmm. So what has worked? So I do pray all the time and when I feel myself getting, out of alignment of, of like my happiness mm-hmm. Pray immediately. Pray, um, before an audition or all the time anyway. I do, I stand in the power pose. Okay. Do you know what that is? Yes. That one or I do that? Hands on hips. Okay. Yes. Love this. I do that one now before every, see, I also do it backstage before I walk on. Mm-hmm. I'll do it in my dressing room. Uh, and I do positive affirmations. Okay. Um, before, but positive affirmations I need to get better at. Okay. Uh, at, at intentionally writing them down and making sure I have them ready to, to say before I go to do anything, uh, perform, audition. Because we get in our actor head Yes. Right. We get the insecurity. Yeah. We start second guessing choices. So I need to have those affirmations of like, I've done the work. Mm-hmm. Let it go. Or I know what I'm doing or, you know, I've done, I've honed my craft. Like whatever it is, I need to remind myself over and over and over again before I walk in. Yes, it's okay to, uh, fail. It's, you know, it's okay to make choice. It's not a fail. It's okay to make choices that don't work or whatever. Um, and then I would say, uh. One practice I've gotten out of that I think was really, really key to, um, my, spiritual growth, which then affected, funny enough, affected my artistic growth was journal writing. Mm. Ooh. And when I started doing Artist Way, I'm so glad to hear you reference Artist Way. Yeah. And the podcast, um, those morning pages. Mm-hmm. I was like, uh, yeah. That's brilliant. So I was doing morning pages and then journal writing separate, obviously. Okay. Those two are separate things. Mm-hmm. But, um, so I was journal writing at the end of the day to kind of just recap. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then also releasing any pressure that the journal has to include anything. Mm. So I give myself, I do my journal writing free the same way I do morning pages. Okay. Okay. In the sense of there's no rules. Yeah. Yeah. Free writing was, did you have like a timer on that? Like, I'm gonna do this for 10 minutes or this many pages or anything? Uh, no. But I do find that it is helpful for me if I do mm-hmm. Say a timer because it'll get me started. But I also also give myself flexibility. Right. I do try to write one page of journal entry. Okay. That's my goal. That's my goal. Okay. But if I, so, if I, so I guess it's not really a timer, but if I say to myself, Samantha, you only have to write one page, and it's like, it's this size. Yeah. Yeah. A little. Then I will, I'm more likely to do it. Yeah. If I sit down and I go, oh, I've gotta journal everything I did today. No.'cause I'm like, I don't want to think about today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I sit down, I'm like, okay, I just have to write one page and it can just be about, doesn't have to be about today. It can just be about anything. Then I usually will write. Okay. Okay. I'd be interested in that. Yeah, too, I feel like me too. It's come up in a podcast of mine recently that I was listening to of just like journal speak.'Cause I have a gratitude journal, but freestyle things I'm grateful for. I don't, I haven't done the freestyle thing. Okay. Since I've done the artist way. Really? Yeah. Same. So maybe we should do that. I love that. I would love to do that. Okay. So you wanna say a page? Yeah. I feel like I need to type, I'm better with typing it. Okay. It's more free for me, like if I type it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So a pa, but yeah. Yeah. Or we can do you or do you wanna say a time. Maybe, maybe a time. Well, maybe we can choose. Okay. Yeah. We can choose, we can choose a page or a time, but, but, but freestyle writing. Yep. Do you, when you did it, did, was there a time of day? Yeah, I do it at night. Right before that. Over night night. Okay. Oh, I missed that. Sorry. Yeah. Is there anything you wanna plug? Yeah. Or no, though I will plug, to go see just live theater in general. Mm-hmm. I think it's so important. We've got Pick of the Vine coming up in August. Yay. That Ari's in, uh, Morgan Wickson is doing Sister Act. Um, also, they don't need my plug, but. I think the Harry Potter show at Pantages is so good. Yeah, it's so good. I thought. Yeah. I just think it's so important that we are like in community with each other and experiencing things together. So I think I would just plug live theater. Mm-hmm. I love that. I love that. Love that. Uh, well, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. This was amazing. Talk your ears off. No. Oh, oh. Is this is what we want. Exactly what, yeah. Yeah. Well, this has been SPODA everybody. Until next time, stay sane. Live well, and stay happy.