Crashing Out, Living Like Your Future Self For A Year, And Not Being Friends With People Who Don't Think You're Talented - Olivia and Ari on the dark place and getting out of it

In this special crash out episode, we begin with the epic career crash out Ari had when a bad night of performance happened with someone important in the audience. This forays into a new year long goal of Ari living like their future self for a year, which includes  not being friends with anyone who thinks they’re untalented for a year (weird? Great? You decide!).

Olivia shares her own crash out story and how she wish she handled it differently, and then we get reallll specific on what would make us happy.

If you’re in the dark place right now - this is the episode for you. 

And remember: the dark place doesn’t last forever. The light will always break free.

We love you,

SPODA

Beautiful music by: Doug Harvey

Follow us @spodapod

Email us at spoda.contact@gmail.com

Transcript

0:00

Hey guys, so, uh, welcome to Spoa. This is a special episode. Special special episode. We gotta be honest with you. Yeah. Uh, we started to, uh, do an intro and this turned out very had we had, we had so much to talk about. So this is its own episode. Yeah. Welcome. Congratulations. Little side spo oda. Congratulations. You made it. Oh, side spo oda. Ooh. You like it? I like that. It's like side hustle. I like that. Yeah. Okay. I like side. So here is this new episode. We're just gonna delve into how these last weeks have been. Yes, here we go. Uh, and our previous guest, Kira Marin. Yep. Love her. Loved her. Good job. Uh. A laugh, I cry. Ugh. I love her so much. Yeah. Um, her practice was finding God in the little moments. Yes. And we kind of been cheating. We've been talking about this. Yeah. We cheat and usually we try not to talk about spoa stuff. Yeah. Off, off, off mic. Yeah.'cause we try to save it for the pod. Mm-hmm. Save it for the pod, save it for the podcast. It like, sounds lame, but it's actually like, you know, like I, if somebody told me that, I'd be like, oh, I hate that a little bit. But it actually makes sense. It does. You gotta save it. You gotta save it. Um, we love, I mean. I loved it. Find God in all the moments. Yeah. Okay. What, what came up for you also? We were supposed to go to a coffee shop. Oh. I didn't go to a coffee shop, but I did go to a vegan salad place. Does that count? So that's good. Oh, sure. To make the same. I went to a new place and I met a new person and he was lovely. And we had a con conversation. That's great. That felt like it was kind of on track with what she was saying. I, I agree. I think it does. Um, I also didn't go to, um, did you go to a vegan house coffee shop? I did not. Wait. Aren't okay. Actually, it was a vegan place in which I got a salad. I'm not a vegan, but I sometimes I like, I like their salads. What about that taco place you went to the best shrimp taco of your life and it was literally fish taco. Oh, yes. It was called the Best Fish Tacos in Ensenada, I think. Something like that. Yeah. Even though we're not in Ensenada, no. It was amazing. Yeah. I don't know if I was just kind of conditioned, you know what I mean? Yeah. It worked. I went into it expecting it to be the best fit Chaco, and it was Wow. Yeah. Recommend. Um, but no. Okay. So what came up for me is I didn't also go to the coffee shop, but I noticed it. Okay. There were, I think I, it's hard for me to just think of one because there were so many moments. Um, I noticed a lot when I was with the dogs. That's cute. Find God in all the dogs. You know what? You know, a dog is backwards. God. God. Whoa, whoa. Um, no, I think, let me ask you this. Yeah. What did find God in all the moments, wind up, meaning, what did the God part in that wind up meaning to you? Honestly, they were moments where. Things and people, because pe people were a big part of it. Mm-hmm. You know, like, and for her too. And yeah. And yeah, just anytime. I mean, there were, there were a lot of these moments where with a group of friends was Grant there were moments that just felt like the puzzle pieces just fit just nicely. Mm. And I, I, I don't know how else to describe it other than that, where it just felt like there's this calmness to it. It was this like, reassuring feeling. It felt, it just felt like a hug. Aw. You know, like, I love that. And it was like, and, and then a lot of times too, like, I, I think I, I, I'm trying to remember if there were moments where I was like upset and used it. Yes. And I don't, that was more my experience. That was more your, okay. Okay. Um. I, I, I noticed myself maybe doing a lot more when I was already kind of like, happy and I was like, look at this. Yeah, remember this. Remember this when you are not gonna feel so happy. Yeah. It felt like I was like adding it to my little piggy bank of happy memories. I love that, that image piggy making and happy memories. And then you can like cash it out. Yeah. I really love that. I love that. Do you think you'll keep it? Like do Yes. You'll, it'll stick around. I, I think it'll stick around. And I think the reason I was like, oh, we cheated and we talked about it, is'cause immediately we're like, this is just, it's just a nice easy, I mean, for me it felt so natural to do it. Yeah. It was, it felt so, um, yeah. Accessible. Yeah. And, uh, and, and in, it can, it happened in so many different ways too. You know, it can happen in moments of like pure joy of just like people laughing and like excitement in all of that. And it also happened in moments where I was like. Sitting in my backyard and just like looking at my backyard. Yeah. And I was like, ah, I love my backyard. That's so nice. You know, like things like that. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Um, and yeah. Okay, so how about you? Yeah, well I actually started this, I mean, I don't know if the, the listeners remember, but when I had that audition, that big audition and I was like saying that I got the sides and I was thinking about this, find God in all the moments thing. Right, right, right. Because we had interviewed Kira, but obviously it didn't come out at that time. And I think what find God in all the moments wound up meaning to me was find like universal reason in all the moments. Ooh. Okay. Because a great example, I had a hard time listen me. Okay. So like, okay, I had the show. Right, right, right, right. We did the show and which was great by the way. Thank you. I know you're gonna get into it, but I'm just gonna just say I saw it. Thank you so much and it was great. Thank you. Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I enjoyed doing it, but I really thought it was going to be purely fun and easy. Mm-hmm. And great. And like I wasn't worried about it. And then we started performing girls and like, I don't know, it was just kind of, it was a little bit thing after thing. Like I had some people come, first of all, like I invited everybody that I am friends with. Mm-hmm. And I am like, it's weird because I'm not new to theater, but I do a lot of film and tv and in the past like 10 years I've done three plays, one of which was Understudying, which I got one performance. So I've really done basically two plays in 10 years. And it feels incredibly different and way more vulnerable in the after than film and tv. Like film and TV feels vulnerable in the moment in the same way that theater to me feels vulnerable in the moment. Mm-hmm. But hearing people's opinions after, I just was like, I was just not expecting to feel like so raw. Like if somebody was not, like, didn't like it or even if they, if I just felt like they didn't like it, if they just said, didn't say something that made me think that they thought that I was good. I was so like insecure about it, which was like weird.'cause I'm not usually like that. I don't think I've been like that since college. Yeah. I don't know if it was, I mean it was also in the round, so I don't know if that's part of it. That Right. Small stage in the round. You just feel like, and some, like my first piece was like very vulnerable piece. I don't know if that played into why I was suddenly so concerned about what people thought of me in it. I don't know. Do you think that part of it, I mean maybe. I mean, I think we, we, we do need to unpack. Why? Because why? Because, because you also did this pick of the vine. Previously last year. And did you feel the same way? Mm-hmm. Okay. Last year I had, so this pick of the vine thing for new listeners or people who don't know this, it's nine short plays. They have a playwriting competition every year. Mm-hmm. They choose the top eight or nine. Yeah. Cast of six or seven. We all do play different parts of the plays and it's really fun and great and, and last year I had one, like my opening night performance I was like not thrilled about. Mm-hmm. And in the audience at that one, there was somebody that I was really worried about how they felt about me. Right. And that's kind of where I discovered this perfection is the thief of joy thing. Right. But the rest of the run was like great. Last year I had a great time. Yeah. And I wasn't even like, I wasn't worried about people like necessarily liking me or Irv and liking all the pieces. I'm like, there is something weird that's happened because not to throw you under the best, Philip, I know you're listening girl, but like last year Philip did not like one of my pieces. Okay. And I was fine with that. Okay. And this year he also did not like one of my pieces. Right. And I was not fine with it. With it. I was not okay with it. Do you think,'cause I also know more context. Yes. Do you think, because I remember that was the piece that you were like, not worried about, but you did express, you're like, I don't know. Yes. How the audience audiences gonna react. Yes. So I think that's all going up to say that. I'm sure that was definitely a loaded, you know, you were, that's you were alter, you were alter what? You were an hypersensitive, you were an altar boy. That's my problem. You, that's, I'm, I wasn't supposed to be nothing. Right. That has nothing to do with the play. Uh, but you know what I mean. You were already sensitive. Yes. You already were trying to attune to people's emotions and Yeah, that's true. You were coming into this of like, whatever. Here it's, yeah, there's a play, blah, blah, blah. Like, you know. Yeah. And then you just kind of got like sideswiped a little bit. I got sideswiped. I did. I got sideswiped. Yeah. Yeah, so that's a good point because last year, the one that he did, and not that it is all about like what my husband likes and doesn't like, but I was really confident in the piece that he didn't like last year. So I like rolled off my back. I think I was already sort of under confident in this piece that he didn't like. So, so that happened and I was like, ha, and, and also you're just performing it all the time. So any of these moments where you feel like, Ooh, maybe that person didn't think I was good, or they just said like, that was really nice or something and like didn't say anything else. They where you're like reading into that, right. Anyway, you have to pick yourself back up and you have to freaking perform again. Yeah. So I got knocked with that experience. Right. And that was all right at the beginning. That was right at the beginning. Yeah. So I think that kind of set the tone. Yes. I think, I think as we're piecing this together, I think that is a big part of it. I think that's probably true. And then. The next, and then, and then I spent like four days building myself back up. Mm-hmm. And then the Thursday night show, I had somebody That is important. Yeah. Come to see the show. I think there's a through line with the important people in the audience. Yeah. That like freaks me out, I think. So that's not good news. I don't think it's, I don't think it's bad news. I think it's just something that like, I, I just think that's, that's the common theme, right? Mm-hmm. Like mm-hmm. You know, the, that even last year where you said last was, you know, you had someone in, in the audience that you were kind of like, why? Although it was different though. Why was it different? I guess? Well, here's the thing, and this is gonna work its way back to finding God in the moments. Okay. But I have been in front of a lot of important people in my film and tv, right? Career, right. And I, stakes have been way higher. Stakes have been very high. High, high. Yes. Very high. Yes. Yes. I've been on very big sets where I've had a director, like I've had to basically like, not fight with a director, but I've had to stand up for myself. Right, right, right, right, right. And I've been like not under confident like that, like I was. So, I don't know. That's why I wonder, like if it is, if it is some way, and me being like, can I do theater? I mean, like, I, I had years of telling myself that like the theater didn't love me. You know what I mean? Like that I love the theater, but the theater doesn't love me.'cause before you've said that before, before to yourself. Yeah, because when I was out here and I kept auditioning for theater, I, I, I, sometimes I would almost get it, but I couldn't get, I could not book a play for my life, like the whole time I was in la. So I kind of came up with this story of like, okay. It's film and tv. Film and TV likes me. Interesting. I like film and tv, but like I love the theater, but the theater doesn't love me back and like is a, so I, I think doing be getting involved with Little Fish last year undid a lot of that for me. But like, I don't know, maybe that just stuff just like lives in your body. Maybe. Maybe. No, I think, I think what it sounds like then I didn't realize you had that also. Yeah. That's this feeling that the theater doesn't love you back. Yeah, because it does. Thanks. I think it does Well. You love me back. I love, I love you back very much. But you know, I think it's just, you are still, that's a big thing to tell yourself. Yeah. For years and years, you know, for years and years. Right. And. Yeah. Maybe starting Little Fish has undo it, but maybe there's just a little bit more. Yeah, I think so. I think that's what I mean, and that's what I mean if it's not bad news that like important people make you that important people in the audience also makes me second guess. There's definitely nice, the last show, much Ado. Mm-hmm. I feel like the night a lot of people came was like, Miley's favorite, and I was like, and it was really hard. Yeah. You know, everyone was to bounce back from Yeah. Mm-hmm. Or to not like second guess, you know? Mm-hmm.'cause you're more, you're more critical of yourself and stuff like that. Right. But yeah, so what happened was, I had an important person in the audience. I have to, I feel like I, I wanna not exactly say who this person is though. I don't think that they will be offended by me like crashing out because I care about their opinion a lot. Crashing out new, new term. I learned. Like that term. What's that term? Crashing out. Crashing out? Yeah. What happened to me? Like just having a mental breakdown. Yeah. I'm, I literally used to crash out. I'm literally thinking like, when you're on a surfboard and you just like tumble, oh, that's what you literally, you crash out. It felt exactly that. And then I couldn't, I just couldn't get my, I just couldn't get my breath. So anyway, yes. Okay. It's important. Person came assistant to casting at a place that I would really like to act at. And I, yeah. I also was like trying to convince myself that I was like, I don't know what night they're coming, but obviously I knew what night they were coming and I, and I was like, I, and so I was trying to discount my own thoughts. Okay. And actually, that was the only night that I did this weird thing, which I'll never do again. Which is I would have a thought about, do I like something, uh, doubting? Do I know these lines? Is that emotion gonna be there? And then I would, I would literally take my hand to the side of my head and I would, I would like swipe my brain away and throw the thought out. Like basically saying, don't think that, don't think that, don't think that. Okay. Okay. Because I think I knew I was kind of psyching myself out about it and I was trying to throw the thoughts out instead of acknowledging I'm having these thoughts and these are just thoughts and this is not real. And move on. Keep going. Okay. So anyway, I did psych myself out because I knew that they were in the audience. I had the worst performance that I've had, that I had in that whole room in the show, like maybe ever on stage. I don't know, like I felt, I felt so disconnected. I felt really aware of the audience. I felt aware of where they were sitting. I was like, and because it's a series of short plays, I was like, okay, I'll just first play. Okay. Like, I was nervous. Let's bring it back for the second play. Nope. Like didn't bring it back to the second, let's bring it back to, nope. Like, nope, we're just gonna basically ruin this. You know what I mean? We're just basically gonna ruin this. So it was very rough and I was like in, I haven't been in that dark of place in a long time. I mean, you know, I was like, I was hysterical. Yeah. Yeah. It's not fun. It was sad. No, I know. It was not fun at all. It was really scary. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah, I'm like, I mean, especially because of the events passed, the what's happened, which like, oh I'll say, but I'm like out of it now I think for the most part. Right. But it scared me how, I mean, yeah. I like did not sleep that night. I was not eating. I was like really sad. My kids were like very sweet to me about it. I know they were like trying to make me feel happier and like, like giving me hugs and making me cards and stuff. And I mean, in a way it was a good example for them of like, people are sad sometimes and like sometimes you can't fix it. And I'm gonna be okay. But I'm sad now. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know. I just think the fact that this career could do that to you, to me. Yeah. Scared me like one off night, which I also knew logically, like even if I hadn't psyched myself out, which like the positive, the finding out in the all the moment thing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Was first of all, it really taught me something. It really reminded me of this thing that that sports psychologist said, which I feel I told you before of like what her main job for sports psychology, she says, is to have the players not think about the game until they're on the field. Yeah. Because of what exactly what happened to me. Yeah.'cause people, your brain is an amazing, amazing tool. Yeah. And if you start thinking, yeah, I don't know this line, I don't know this line, I don't know this line, you're gonna get on stage and you're not gonna know the line because your brain is now convinced yourself. Yeah. So that for the rest of the run, I was like reading backstage. If I had a thought, I acknowledged it, I nodded to it. I did not try to throw it away. It's very meditative of you. Very meditative. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. But, and I also just like trusted my work and every time I started thinking about the show or the line or the feeling, I just say, are you on the field? Yeah. And the answer is no. So then go back to reading your book and like, you know what I mean? Yeah. And it helped a lot. And I felt like, I think what something that's also sad to me about this is that even though this, this experience was kind of tainted by like how insecure I wound up being of what people thought of me, I think it's some of the best listening that I've ever done. But like, I like, yeah, it almost like doesn't register because of how, it's almost like you got like put in the ringer like bootcamp of like, let's test you. Like it almost like the universe tested you to be like, let's see how, how you do. And it felt like a truly, truly a, a hard lesson Yeah. For you, right? Because you are okay. Yeah. And you are going back Yes. And you're going to do so many great shows. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it, and it was a really, like the other times I've had this experience, which also was one of those things where as it was happening, I was like, this. Is it core memory now? You know what I mean? Right. Because it has happened before, it happened to me for the modern family casting director, where like I was so nervous for that audition that I didn't fully, I didn't feel as bad about that audition as I felt about this performance. But he gave feedback that like, he was like, it's not strong enough for a callback. They asked for feedback and that's what he said. And I was like, devastated. Yeah. I had that audition, which is now funny. But at the time was not for that video game in which they wanted a Canadian accent, and I just saw her doing a deep southern accent outta nowhere. And I was looking at that casting director and he was looking at me and I could not stop for the laugh of me. And I also could not say, Hey, like I'm doing a southern accent. We're just gonna have to stop because like I'm just doing a southern accent, you know? Yeah. But that, I was hysterical about that, and that hasn't, I mean, those things happened like eight or nine years ago. I have not had a moment really of like what that was. Yeah. Like failing like that. So anyway. Finding out all the moments. It was like finding reason. And it also made me in that, in the finding God and all the moments of it be like there has to be a reason why, even if, let's say I never work at that place again. They never have me audition again. They have had me audition there before, by the way. Even if like maybe there is another universal reason and like maybe it is something to do with the rest of my life. Yeah. You know, my relationship just becoming a better or stronger performer. Yeah. Maybe it needed to happen in order to to like serve some other end. Yeah. When you're performing for thousands of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So since then, I did wind up. Emailing the person, right. Because I talked to him Ralph Colombino. I don't think you listen to this podcast, but if you do shout out, um, my acting teacher from home who I love. Okay. Which by the way, I think is really great that you have like a mentor is like that. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, he's great. Yeah. He's really great. And he was like, it happens. It ha it ha does it happened to him multiple times. He gave me examples. He was like, it ha every every successful person Yeah. Has a moment of failure like that. It just like is inevitable. Yeah. You know, and He was like, I think you should email them. Okay. And because there's a personal relationship and whatever. And so I did and I just apologized and was like, listen. Thank you so much for coming. Mm-hmm. And I had, I knew that you were in the audience and I was really nervous'cause I really respect you and I just had the worst performance that I had the whole time. And I was really in my head and I'm sorry and I hope I get the opportunity to perform for you again. And they responded really wonderfully. Yeah. And basically kind of said like, that's not how I felt. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So, which I'm just, we're just gonna take it. Right. Even though I, you know, I mean I could second guess this and doubt this all day long, but it also kind of seems like if they felt that way, they probably just would've been like, I understand people have off shows. Exactly. I don't know that they would necessarily have tried to talk me out of that. Exactly. Also, it's so funny when you, I mean, I remember when you, that night after when you were like, I'm in the dark place. Yes. And I knew that there was gonna be like nothing.'cause I've been in the dark place. Yeah. I was recently also in the dark place. Yes. But I also didn't have an inciting incident, like an incident like you. Right. I just was like, all of a sudden, just like in my living room, running on three hours of sleep going, it's not gonna work. Yeah. You know? Um, and I know that when you, when you, the dark place we refer by the way, is like a place if you haven't experienced it, which I'm sure most of us have experienced the dark place, this podcast. Yes. You, you probably have. Probably. And it's, you know, where it's like you can't be reached basically. Almost. Yeah. Yes. And so I knew that and I said, don't make any decisions. Mm. And like, um, and I also wanted to say, but I also knew, I was like, it was probably, you know, you weren't gonna hear it. I was like, I can't imagine. I guess, you know, I wasn't there. But I can almost guarantee even if it was your absolute worst performance, it was still good. Mm. It was still good. You have a high. You are very talented. You have a high bar for yourself as you should be. That's why you are where you are. And I think that is like so upsetting and frustrating when you know you can do so good and you're not like reaching your own expectations. Mm-hmm. You know? But that's why it doesn't surprise me that emailed back was like, that's not mm-hmm. What I experienced. Mm-hmm. Because I've had off nights and people are like, I thought it was great. Yeah. And I think there is something where it's like, yeah, in the moment you don't, you know, you're like, oh, well I think I really, go ahead. No. Yeah. That's pretty much it. Yeah. I wanted that to be true, but I think, and I don't know, like, here's another thing, it's like, am I telling myself this story or is it true? I think there is something about me as a performer that has always been really in tune with when I am, when I'm being honest and when I'm not. Yeah. And I think other people, I remember I had a teacher who actually thanked her for this recently. And, and in NYU who said, you are good. When you are fully present. Like you cannot phone it in. If you're phoning it in, it's not good. And like, I think she's kind of right. You know? So, I mean, I don't know. Yeah. Like, I don't look and things can change and people can evolve and whatever. And like, maybe, maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. And like I would love for that to be the story, you know? But also, like, I also need to accept that if you're doing live theater, not every night is going to be your best night. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. And, and like, even if you do all the things, all the meditation, all the spiritual practices, all the leave it on the field. Mm-hmm. Are you on the field? All the listening, you can still have a night that just like goes to hell. Yeah. Somebody farts in the audience and they're like, lose your line. You know, like, you know, like, I don't know, like it's all possible. It's impossible. Yeah. And I need to, and I, I do like if I'm gonna do this, which I wanna. I wanna do this. And theater like, gives me a lot of fuel for my artistry. Yeah. And a lot of time, which film and TV as we know, is like usually very short. Yeah. Really. Uh, I need to accept it, but also, I mean, you are so lovely to me. My, my cast in the dressing room, shout out to my cast in the dressing. Yeah. Shout out. Little little fish dealt with two mental breaks. I kept being like, I'm not always like this. Like, just, I mean, they were so kind to me, so kind to me, like, so supportive. So in that way, Keara's finding God. Yeah. Yeah. And community too. Um, but since then, one thing that it also did encourage me to do, which is my new goal for the year, I, I've decided I'm gonna just act like my future self for a full year. And my future self is like recurring mm-hmm. On three different TV shows. And so there's a lot of little things that I do that are not what that person would do, like submitting myself to indie films. Okay. Which it seems counterintuitive because like I, I'm a hard worker. I'm a go-getter. Right. But I think that that energy at a certain point, needs to go into a mode of receiving, you know? Right, right, right, right. And like I was doing that with the whole Dexter thing, where I was like, I'm just not gonna submit myself. I'm gonna trust my agents. And Dexter happened and then I kept that up for a while and then like the fires happened and whatever, and I kind of started to be like, maybe I should start submitting it. So I started submitting myself. Nothing ever came from that, by the way. Like me getting pinned for anything good that's happened has been through my reps who were amazing. Obviously, you know. Yeah. It's me being like a stray, scared little kitten who's had this experience of I don't get anything unless I fight for it. Right, right, right. That is already in this mode of like, my haunches are up. You know what I mean? Right, right. You deserve to let your reps do it. Yes. You know what I mean? Right. Like Yeah. Yeah. That's true. And it's not that I wouldn't take, if any film comes my way, like Oh yeah, in October, I will absolutely do it. Or if somebody even said, come audition for this, I, it's nothing about will do it, it's not. But yeah, exactly. It's about submitting myself and I, and also dumb stuff, like checking my IMDB pro number on a Sunday because that's when they change it. And if it's gone up, that means that people are looking at you like, who can, like, my future stuff doesn't have the time. Or like, well, so what does matter? Like, what whatcha are you gonna control about that? Like, you know, there's like, that's just a waste of your time. Okay. So, and like letting some people go, okay. From my life, which also feels very Sam Sam who was on Yeah. Of just I, these people that I'm talking about, like, I think they've already kind of self eliminated themselves from my life. Okay. But they're like, in my mind as people that are in my life, you have to let them go. Uhhuh. Got it. Yeah. Like, I don't, I don't think I have any, at least in this year, I don't have any time or space for people that I feel like don't support me. Who even just don't think that I'm gonna make it. I don't think I have the space for that. Yeah. You know, though, it's not their fault. Like maybe I shouldn't judge them. Everybody has opinions. Like, if you don't think that I'm good, it's your opinion, you know what I mean? Right. Maybe. Eventually I will be able to be friends with people. Yeah. Don't, there is no artist that everyone loves. Right, right. That, that just doesn't exist. Yeah. Yeah. But in this delicate time of like me trying to emerge into the next phase of my career. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't need people that already are operating from a place of like, not thinking that I'm good. Well, yeah. Well, especially if it's like your quarantine. I don't think it's lame. I don't, I think that in a weird way, I, I feel like that just kind of naturally does happen. Mm. I think there's like a bit of yeah. You self, like you said, there's maybe some people that have kind of like exited on their, on their own or whatever. Right. But maybe you haven't, like let them go. I think that's more important, you know? Yeah. And do you mean like no relationship to these people? I think kind of, yeah. Like acquaintances. Okay. Like basically downgrade them to conferences. Yeah. Because it's also what I'm thinking about. It's like if you came to see that show, like I know you operate from a place of like really believing in me. So if you came to see that show and we had a postmortem after mm-hmm. And you were like, I don't think that that was your best work. And let's talk about why that would feel very different than somebody who comes to see your show. Got it. Operating from a place of, I already don't really believe in this person. You know what I mean? Like I just don't think I need that energy. Do you, are you friends with people who are like, oh, well I was gonna ask you, how do you know? I think with these particular people, there are some context clues. Okay. There are things that they said, there are things that they've not said there are. And I don't know if it's like, look, it could be coming from jealousy. That's true. Or whatever. I would, I would just be careful not to project. Yeah. You know? I was just supposed to ask her, Hey, do you think I'm, Hey, do you actually think I'm good? Do you think I'm be real? Your answer will affect off mention. Like, that's what, like, I understand. It sounds so, like, I don't know. I, what do you think about this? Okay. Well, I think, I think that would be my biggest concern. Concern is that like, you don't know. Yeah. Right. And like how people react to things or whatever. Like it could be based off of completely other, like have nothing to do with, uh, things in their lives. Mm-hmm. Or, or whatever. Um, and also like, I can't imagine if someone's jealous of the go see your stuff. I don't know. I don't know. I think we had, I think some actors will go to see a show. She hate it. I, that's crazy to me. Because they wanna be in it or they auditioned for it and they didn't get in it, or I would, that would piss me, that would make me more upset if I went to see a show. I would only see a show that I would wanna be in, and I wasn't cast because like my friend was in it and I wanted to support them. Mm. But like, you're just, but you're really no stunning person. I don't think I'm like so good. I, no, I think you're, no, I just, I just, I don't think that that would just feel good. Yeah. I don't think it does necessarily for them, but I mean, it just crazy. That's what I'm saying. Why are these people doing this? So wait, can, will you be friends with somebody? Yeah. Who doesn't think you're talented? I don't even, I can't imagine. I'm sure there are people who don't think I'm talented, that I'm friends with. And you're fine with that? I think so. Oh no. You're a better person. No, no. Oh no. It's confirmed. I think so. But I also like, they're probably not coming to my shows though. Mm. Okay. You know what I mean? Like Yeah. That's why I asked. Cutting off completely. Yeah. I don't know. It just doesn't matter, matter. You, there's, well, I have friends that have, have never seen me perform, but that, how do they know so necessarily is they don't believe you're like, believe in you. Right. Somebody who, okay. Somebody who you feel like behind the scenes is actively saying, and again, you're right. I don't know this for sure. Right? Yeah. This, this could be totally a projection. Okay. If someone, so if I knew or really truly felt Yeah. That I had a friend that doesn't think I have it. Yeah. Like behind the scenes is basically saying, I don't know what, why Olivia keeps getting cast. I don't know what the hype is with Olivia. You know what I mean? You know, like, we're fine with that. Like, I mean, first of all, if that was the case, I would not be with that. I would find that person. I would, I mean, no, I wouldn't be fine with it. Um, I guess it was like, yeah, I guess. If they kept coming by shows, I would feel weird and I, you know what I mean? I think that's why I've like, I feel like they just wouldn't come or support me. But then you like see them. Would you go get coffee with them and have lunch with em and be like, it's totally fine. I don't know, like it just, I think what I'm reacting to is, I'm trying to think about, I'm really trying to think about that. Yeah. Should we, should we reenact it? Should we, that Olivia, I mean, what's the hype that, I mean, you know what, I'm sure, I'm sure if I felt that way, I feel like I would definitely be nervous if with them in the audience. Yes. Okay. So yes, a hundred percent That's the last would line the person. Yes, that's one of those, yes. Like I think it would, I think it would affect me. I'm not saying it wouldn't. Of course it would. It would really. Really make me sad. I'm trying to think. Now do all my, I'm trying to imagine like if all my friends actually think I'm, I mean, I've talented, I've definitely been there. I've definitely had those moments though. I'm like, oh, I can imagine. I've definitely had moments Oh yeah. Moments of being like, my friends think I'm annoying. My friends don't think I are talented. But that's again, like dark place, Olivia coming out. Right. But when I'm out of it, in the light, in the light, the light place in the light place, right. I don't feel that way. I think it's a fear, right? It's a fear that like, oh, what if my friends don't like me? Mm-hmm. What if it's all a lie? What if they're pretending Yeah. To like me, right. But also, I mean, I would still wanna do it. I mean, I do still wanna do it. I think it's just my, I. For better or worse, like my identity is very much wrapped up in it. Yeah. And in a way that really makes sense. And I think doing this like show in a little space in the round, like that's my heart there. Yeah. That's like my nudie heart. You know? Like, so then you, if you were to look at that Nudie heart as an actor I feel like there's also been, I've been, there've been so many times where I've seen shows that I didn't really like the show something I still thought my friend was talented. Yes. Right, right, right, right. But it's also hard to be like. Wow. So good. Yes. So you're like, I mean, yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's true. I just feel like, I think it's, I don't think it's bad to be intentional with who you surround yourself with. Yes. I think that is a very right thing. And then especially like you said, from merging and, and trying to be like your future self. That's it. Yeah. You know, like, I understand that. But I do think the flip side is, is we don't know. We don't know. Right. What people, how people feel. And also at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I know. It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't matter. Like it did. It does. It did. It does. Because, because we're, we're performing for people. Of course, it matters on that level. Like we want people to love it. Yeah. That's what we want. We want people to cheer, we want people to laugh. We want people to feel, we want all these things and we feel like we're not doing it right. Especially our closest friends or people who we want to like be on our team. That hurts. Yeah, it does. Right. But like, like you said, can we blame people? No. Like, I don't think we can blame people. I think I'm just, I think for this year mm-hmm. I'm just like, and maybe I like, this is what I'm hoping happens. I'm hoping that the universe provides. Mm-hmm. And that me trusting my, I mean, I did have a great moment with this where, on August 23rd, the day before my birthday, I decided, okay, for a year, I'm just gonna trust the universe. I'm gonna trust my amazing reps. I'm gonna trust that I've done enough. Mm-hmm. And I'm just gonna live like my future self. And the next day, for the first time ever in five years, my agent like wished me a happy birthday on a Sunday. And it felt like a sign, like it felt like that universe being like, yes, yes, this is, this is what you should be doing. Mm-hmm. You should be, you should be like living in a place of trust and like all that extra energy of Submitting and auditioning to these like little indie films. Put that into your theater company and be more active. And there's a play that my friend wrote in college, which I think is a beautiful play. And like, I wanna do a reading of it. Do that instead of submitting this and that. That is ownership versus being like, I want, I want, I mean, I need, I need, it's a different kind of energy. Right? Right. So I think for this year I love that. It feels weirdly selfish. Selfish because I'm saying like, if you don't think I'm good, there's the door. That feels weird, right? Like, do you know anybody?, Do you know like any chef who's like, Hey, if you don't like my food, get out. Like, you're not friends with me for a year. Remy from re two eight. I'm just kidding. That's the only chef I could think of at that moment. Um, I mean, or like painter, you know what I mean? Like, it feels like a weirdly, or maybe other people think this and then just don't admit it. If that's you, email me.'cause uh, I wanna know about it. Wait, email. Email. Spo oda. Oh yeah. spoda.contact@ gmail.com And say, I haven't checked it in a while.'cause I just don't know if it's, yeah, if anyone's emailed. God, I really wish someone would just subject it. I too, I don't wanna be friends with anyone who doesn't think I'm talented. Now that it's over. Yeah. Does it feel, I know you said it's a core memory. Yeah. Mm. But like, does it feel less severe, I think, or is there still a twinge in your tummy? I think there's a twinge. Oh, well, okay. I'm sorry that, that, that you had to go through that. But I do, I mean, whether we're like things happen for a reason or not, like mm-hmm. I think you could just take it as a lesson and a thing of like, well, you learned a really. A valuable, um, I don't wanna say not trick, but like you've, you've learned how to handle it. You went from that and now you are like keeping your, am I on the field focus? Right. I'm on the field, you know, and if I have a thought, I acknowledge it instead of trying to ignore the fact that I have the thought, which is just like lying to yourself. Right. And then you're going out there trying to be honest, right? When you've just been lying to yourself for an hour and a half that you're not nervous or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I did learn the thing and it set me on this path of, yeah, the year of acting like my future self. I still feel kind of messy. Like I just feel like. What just happened, you know? I think also too, because you came in thinking like, do, oh God. Then you come out, it's like a cartoon, like you like enter the tunnel, like marry, and you come back with like an eye patch and crutches. You know what I mean? Like Yes. Like you think you're going to a picnic on the beach. Yes. Like you wound up like in a tornado, stuck in a drain pipe. Yes. Like it's not the show's fault, the show. I enjoyed doing the show when I was not having a mental breakdown. Yeah. And the cast was lovely. That's great. Yeah. That's nice. That, that wouldn't be, that would be so much worse if you were like having a hard time. Oh, and then also like didn't get along with your cast or like, oh my God, they were being rude. That would've made it get, I think I would've been like, ill, I, I mean, I think I would've like been even more ill, you know, I don't know that I could have done that. So like to, to kind of cap this off. My question to you is, can you come up with a new phrase, I love theater, but theater doesn't love me. Mm. Can we come up with a new phrase for you? Okay, sure. I love this exercise. I don't know why this, but I don't think that. That one is working anymore? No, no, no. And I And it, yes. And I have shelved it. Yes. I know you shelved it, but I think we need a new one, but we need a new one to replace it. Yes. Okay. We're coming up with this now, or this is, this is my homework assignment. Um, if you could come up with the one now, that'd be great. But I thought there was one, but, okay. Okay. Let's think about it. I mean, it could be very simple as, I love theater. The theater loves me. That feels okay. There's definitely something there because my, my stomach just dropped when you say, okay, okay, but okay. Then Peter teaches me things say It's something like, it's something about, it's okay to be a nudie heart on stage and it's okay to feel still nudie when you walk off stage.'cause you can't expect, or at this point in my career, I can't expect myself to be like brick wall. Right. Right. I'm immune. Yeah. Say anything. Absolutely. That's, that's part of it. That's not only mantra, but I think that, I think I need to give myself more grace on that. I think I'm just gonna hide in my dressing room next time. No, just come running out with sunglasses and a wig. Don't look at me. Was that airy? No. No. Ask a southern accident. Couldn't even do it at the right, right in the moment. Um, well, okay. Great. Um, how have I been? Oh, well, okay. So I did mention my little breakdown. Yeah. That was after your show, right? That was crazy. Which isn't really, which is so funny. I think a lot of the sleep, I think the sleep was a big part. Was there something in that show that you felt like, I wanna play that part, or, oh, like, or anything like that? No, not, I didn't even realize it was after the show until, I think Grant was the one that was like maybe. Is it because you just saw a show? Mm. And I was like, oh, you know, but sometimes these moments come across if I'm just like upset at myself or whatever, or if I'm moody and then I have a really bad habit of, I'll say something and then if I'm upset at myself, I get upset for being upset at myself. Yeah. And then it keeps on going and then everything turns into nothing's good. Okay. Like not just career stuff, not stuff. It'll branch off into everything else. Everything. Okay. But career stuff takes if, if I'm upset and then I start talking about my career stuff that is, that flies off. Off. That flies off. Okay. Um, but yeah, it, and we even, I even hesitated to even like bring it up.'cause I don't think I handled it well at all. I just was like, we, I don't know. I was. Uh, just really sad. Mm. And then mm-hmm. Tension high was high with Grant and I, and we ended like, I think basically I got calmed down at the end of the night, but still sad. Mm-hmm. Um, and the next morning felt better. Yeah. Like, it really was like, I, I don't know. I think what happened to me was that like, for someone who preaches don't tie your identity or your self worth, I think it still gets to me. Yeah. You know, and I just, I just really want it, you know. Yeah. And, um, it just, sometimes it scares me.'cause like I'll, like, I'll think about like the world and be like, my life is fine. Yes. Like, I'm so okay. Right. I'm so more than okay and this is, this is so insignificant. Um, but in those moments it just feels like, well, I'm not good because I'm also selfish and stupid and ugly. And like, that's the, this is just the things I say. Um, grant, I was just like, don't be mean to my wife. Don't be mean to my wife. Oh. Um, grant Handel this very well. Um, but yeah, I think, I think, I know you're probably gonna hate this. I don't think we're going to escape these feelings. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think sometimes I need to feel these things. Yes. Um, and then, and then when even something small happens, you know, like a table read or like a a, an audition. Mm-hmm. Even if it's small, for me at least, it's like, okay, it's on something like, you mean celebrate it? Yeah. Or yeah. I, it feels like it, it almost feels like after, especially after moments of despair, those little wins are kind of like, little signals of like, no, but you are Okay. We're okay. Do you think any of it had to do with, like, we talked before about your post show blues mm-hmm. And you were like, I'm gonna basically. Act like I have something else lined up after this. Yes. Do you think that you never really let yourself feel the post show blueness? Or is it, was it in any way you, I feel like I definitely felt it. I'm definitely now at the tail end of like, okay, well I'm now am waiting. Yes. Like something didn't come right away. Nothing really came. Yeah. Like I wonder if that was part of it, that you were hoping that Yeah, I was hoping you were gonna manifest that something was gonna come right away and, yeah. Or at least soon after. Soon after. Yeah. And then there's also a part of me that's like, oh wow, I guess I only only did this play this year, and I don't think I'm gonna be in one until the 2026, at least. But we don't know that. We don't know that. But I mean, what, what is it? It's August, it's end of, before you know it, it's gonna be September. Mm-hmm. And then like holiday. And then I'm gone. You know, it's like, I just, logistically I'm just like, I don't even know if it's gonna Yeah. Happen logistically, like even if I got cast in something. Mm-hmm. I mean, maybe that's also me just like protecting myself, right. Like being like, oh, I'm just not gonna be anything anyways because of scheduling. Right, right. But I think it's really okay to have those moments, and I think it's also okay to not handle it well. Like, I really did not handle it well. How do you wi what do you wish you did differently? Calm down. And like, what does that mean? Like, go for a walk or like, like what I, I, I'm asking myself this question too. I, I think I dislike went in and turned into the, gremlin, it's funny, that's what Grant calls me in, in a loving way. Uh, but what's the, like in the movie? The, like bad, the Oh yeah. Yes. Yeah. There was this no going back like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like how I handled it was like, ugh, like it's not mm-hmm. Wasn't very mature. It wasn't very, um, I just like kept feeding into the behavior of, of that person who's just like upset and there's nothing good. Yeah. Oh my God. I, I did the same thing, so that's why, I mean, I didn't handle it well. I wish I just took a breath and, but in some, I mean, it's, it is an interesting thing we're bringing up here because maybe there is nothing that we could have done differently. You know what I, I'm trying to like, think of my own crash out of, like, if I had gone for a walk would without have changed things. I don't think so. I did talk to people, did it help? And like, yeah. But also I was still really in the dark place, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. Yeah. I, I couldn't sleep, but I couldn't eat. I was like. So I don't, I don't know. Like all of these spiritual practices are great and I think it has helped. I look, you're, you're a testament to that. You bounced back very quickly, you know, you slept How say I sleep? Yeah. I was running on three hours of sleep. I do think that was a big Yeah. Part of it. And then I got upset about something and then it just like, yeah. Went all downhill from there. It's just the line. I mean, I, we were talking about it before, but like the line between feeling like it's gonna work and and it's not gonna work is just so razor thin. Yeah. At least it feels that way. It just feels like there's almost no buffer. Yeah. And the like, switchback can happen so dramatically and so like quickly that Yeah. I think it's because there's just no ladder. Like there just is no way of knowing. Yeah, that's a good point. Just because you did one show doesn't mean you're guaranteed the next show. Just because you haven't done a show in forever doesn't mean you're not a guest star tomorrow. I mean, like. And then you can be a guest star tomorrow and then not work in TV again for Yeah. Five years. I mean, you know, like just the, the latter thing is such, it's so brutal. I think that's why the end of the day, I think it's like, why do it then? Right? Like, why would you put, why are we doing this? Yes. Why do it? Right. And I think, I think it's because we love it. Yeah. Plain and simple. Yeah. I think that's why anyone does anything that like puts'em in a vulnerable Yeah. Space. I think what I come back to sometimes is like, I love it unequivocally, but do I love it more than I love being happy in my life. I think that's why this one year thing came up for me. Yeah. Because what I don't wanna happen, like I did meet somebody recently and like he's very sad, you know, he's like had a little bit of success but is like still trying, but is talks about how like there's not a lot of auditions, a lot like you just tell. Like, I don't wanna be that person, right? Where I don't wanna be that person where other people are looking at that person thinking you should really pivot and do something else.'cause it's like you would be happier. Right. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. You would be, maybe you would be sad about not being an actor, but you would be happier in the grand scheme of things. Like you would deal with it. But like, you should pivot. Like, I don't wanna be that person that people are looking at thinking like, that person would be happier doing something else just in the grand scheme of their lives. And I think it also depends on like what you want. You know what I mean? Yeah. I It's hard too. I mean, the, the dream would be to win the lotto, right? Have money not be an issue. Uh, and then you just do, you just go and audition. Do as much as you can and book the little things here and there. And would you be never have to do that though? I, I do it. I don't think I would be. Happy. But if I felt like I could be no, I, I would wanna, I wouldn't, I I think I'm gonna rephrase it. If I can find where I'm still acting consistently in, in things that really make me what I'm proud of, then yeah, I would be happy. What's consistent? Let's break it down. Let's, let's say, what, how many plays a year would you have to do to say, I'm working consistently more than I'm doing now? I don't, I just feel like the gaps are so big and it's not like I'm shooting a bunch of commercials and stuff in between, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Like, I just feel like it let's close the gaps. Mm-hmm. That would make me happy. So if, if we, the royal we, me and you we're acting every two months, would that seem consistent? To you? What do you mean acting? Just in anything? In anything. Let's start with it could be a day every two months beyond the day. I mean, I'm not even cl close to that. So yeah. I would be happy with that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, because it would be somewhat consistent. Mm-hmm. Is it what I want? Like Right. If we're talking the dream, I'm doing plays all the time. Mm-hmm. Now, what if you like wound up having your own theater company and you were in control of it, and so you were doing plays all the time, but it was like basically of your own devices. Um, does that count? I think maybe, but also part of it is like, well, I've done, I like when I, when Yeah. You did Preproduced. Um, the producing part is not my favorite. Right. So part of me is like, no, I think I would, if, if we're talking dream, dream, yeah. I'm being cast. Okay. Yeah. Is I, I think what I'm getting at is. Are we looking to be cast for the validation of other people thinking that we're good? Oh, I just, I mean, that, of course that feels good. Mm-hmm. Of course I want that. But I wanna be ca I wanna do it.'cause that's, that's what I wanna do in life. Yeah. I wanna, I wanna be on stage. Yeah. Um, so even if you had a million dollars or, I mean, that doesn't even matter now. Like if you, I, I don't even know if you had a billion dollars Yeah. Never had to worry about money again. Created your own theater company. You're just casting yourself whatever production you wanna do. You hire a producer, you're not doing producing stuff, you're just casting yourself. Wow. Sounds pretty great. Okay, so what are like, I, I'm genuine. I'm, I'm also asking myself this too, like, are you happy with that? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You, it doesn't require, hold on, hold on, hold on. I do wanna specify. I want like professional theater. Yes. But it's your professional theater. Does that make Yes, yes, yes. You're still casting yourself, you're saying yes to yourself in this scenario. I'm saying yes to myself. You're saying are you trying to get to, do you want, is it the validation of being cast? Yeah. Um, There might be some of that.'cause I was thinking of like, why else would I not like that? Other than I just don't like to produce and I just like, you know, I wanna show up as an actor and just as an actor. Yeah. Um, I, there's something pretty great about being cast. Yeah. It's a pretty great feeling. Yeah. Um, I still feel like if I got to produce great shows. And I got someone else to actually produce'em. Right. And I got a BM'em and it was a notable theater. Mm-hmm. I would be very happy with that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's good. That's just good information. Yeah. I just feel like it's so funny, uh, I just saw an Instagram video of his, like, uh, of an actress being like, I wish I noted her name. I didn't even heard it. Uh, she was just like, I they tell you, or they told her, I wish someone told me that when you're in school, you're, you're never gonna act that much when you're out in the real world. Oh yeah. And I think part of me was so excited to graduate and be like, I'm gonna be doing real theater now, baby. Yes. And that is not the case. Right. And I was always acting. Right. Constantly. Yeah. That was my life. That's all I did. Yeah. Yes. I was in classes and I was in shows. Multiple. Yeah. You know, sometimes. So I think I miss that. Yeah. I miss it being my life in that aspect. Yes. But I'm also like, well, if I'm being truly honest with myself, would I be happy with a very, very small little black box somewhere in North Hollywood? I don't know. And you could be like, you could be like, well, you're acting all the time. But I think there's, part of me is like, no, but I want to be a note. So I think there is some validation still in there. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Which I don't, I don't think that's a bad thing, by the way. Like, oh, I don't think it's a bad thing either. I, I just mean like, there's a difference I think. Yeah. They're like, you could, I could be acting all the time. I'm sure if I, like, we're doing like, we're doing like smaller, smaller things, you know? Mm-hmm. Not that I'm against it. That's kind of where I still am. But I think there's part of me at this point that's like, no, I still want more. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And that, and that's the thing, like no one's gonna, I mean this, I don't, not to blanket statement this, I think we as actors have to make ourselves do more. We have to say, no, we won't work for less than this a day. Yeah. We will need to do these types of shows.'cause no one's gonna give that. I think people just wanna take advantage of good actors all the time. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. And I definitely have many strides in that too. Yeah. De definitely. Definitely. Yeah. And, and, and that's all, you know, subjective, it's all mm-hmm. Personal, like where your own my rules and your rules of how, what you say yes to, what you say no to are very different. Right, right, right. You know? Um, but I think they are, that is important to, to constantly adjust where you are. Go, okay, I'm no longer submitting myself or I'm no longer going to, yeah. Yeah. I mean, there were times where I was just like, I'm just gonna do a play.'cause I want to wanna be in a play. Now if I read a play and I don't like it, even if it means I'm gonna be cast and there's a, like a high chance mm-hmm. I'm not gonna do it. Yeah. Good for you. I'm not gonna audition. Yeah. Um,'cause then, yeah, then, then what's the point? When then what is the actual point? Yeah. That is some sort of line, isn't it? Yeah. How do you feel now? Oh, after, yeah. I, I feel so much better. Um, I still would love to be in a show. Yeah. Um, hello out there and that. There, there, uh, but you know, it's so funny since that, uh, this film I worked on a while ago reached out and they're like, we're wrapping up and we're doing like a DR session soon. And that happened today, bane of my existence. Really? Oh my God. I've only done it once and I will, I can see what you mean. It's like a, it's like, yeah. But part of me was like, oh, that's nice. Like, yes, I was like that. And then I'm gonna be in a table read next week. Great. Yes. So it, again, it's like those little moments Yes. That you can kind of be like, it's okay. Mm-hmm. It's okay. Um, yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's good. Yeah. How are you feeling? Yeah, I'm still messy. Like, I'm okay. Like, it's all like, okay and good. And I feel good about this year thing, you know? I mean, I feel some fear about what, what if after the year I'm still not in a place that I wanna be. And, you know, because I think what's becoming clear to me is like. Like last year was a fairly good year for me overall. I was on Dexter, I had the national commercial, but if that was it forever, I wouldn't be good with that, yeah. And just the, like, the space between and the, the want and the worry and the heartbreak of it all, you know, what would be your dream? Since we talked about my, like what would be, I think it's a couple different iterations. Like, I think if I was, we talked about a lot, like if I was, if I was a series regular on Sesame Street, for example, but could make my own indie films on the side when we're shooting happy. That sounds great. The happiest, the happiest top tier for me is like, I'm a series regular on a show that I love. Yeah. That's like a dramedy, you know, that's top tier. Absolutely. Like, would love that. If I am recurring on a couple different shows, this is my higher self image of myself right now.'cause I feel like that feels directly attainable to me or more attainable I guess. Like I'm recurring on three shows. I'm happy. There's still a little fear in that of like, okay, but like happy with that. Even if it was like, yeah, I don't know. Like just more motion though. It almost feels selfish to say because like I know, I understand logically there has been motion. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it always feels like, is it just random? I think I want it to not feel random. Yeah. Well that we can't guarantee, right? If money wasn't an issue, right? If money wasn't a billionaire and you can kind of just like do it. If I had my own production company and was like creating work and like, I think it is really about the art for me. It's just like, I think, I think it's the same as you. I want it to be consistent and I want it to feel, I wanna not worry about it anymore. I, I feel very similar. I think there's like a weird maturity to be. I know I love this. I know I'm good for it. Yeah. And I know I could do it, but sometimes that doesn't matter. Yeah. And like, I love this, but I don't love the industry. Mm-hmm. I don't love how it works. It doesn't feel good. Do you have some sort of timeframe? No. Okay. I think that would be an assessment. Just like, just constantly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oof. Constant assessment test. Well, because I feel like saying, oh, you know, if I'm not, I, I, I just, I, I, I don't know how you would, I don't know how I would make a time limit. Yeah. Well it also like, in a weird, like, I also in doesn't quite make sense to make a time limit because as we talk about things change as we age all the time. Yeah. I think things look a little bleak right now with, you know, we're saying not so for auditions for mm-hmm. A lot of people, not just, yeah. It's, it's, it's kind of across the board. Um, just jobs in the industry. I know even writers, you know, are having a hard, just creative jobs are hard to come by. Right. Um, you know, all these like, big production companies are eating each other, and so there's only such few and so like, it's just things aren't being made and then there's ai and then there's all these things. Yeah. Like, if anything's gonna drive me out, it's going to be, because it does completely collapses on itself and it's like, bye. At the end of these I'm always like, but I'll,'cause I, I don't know. You gotta, I think at the end of the day, you gotta have that optimism. Yeah. I don't know how I, I wouldn't survive without it. Yeah. I know. I think I'm like, right now, in this moment, I'm like, it either will or it won't. Like I feel like I'm on the cusp of knowing if this is really gonna click in for me or not. Mm. That's probably why it feels very scary. Yeah. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Listen, if it does work out, what an amazing, um, yeah, I know, I know. Seriously. Thing to look back on. You hear here first. You know what I mean? No, I think the reason why we wanted to have this like solo episode is because that's kind of the reason why we did started doing this is like pro I think this is a way to, for us to process. I think it's a way for us to process. Yeah. I also just think this is so con like there's, I know so many people who are here, we are not alone here. Have been here. Yeah. Will be here at one point. Yeah. Yeah. And if it, if it finds you and you have any peace, we gotta stop white knuckling it. We gotta do like here said, yeah. I mean that's really like, yeah. Yeah. Because we don't, I guess it's like at the end of the day, we don't have control anyway. Right. Like it's gonna be or it's not. Right. Right. Yeah. Sucks Or it's great. We don't know. It either sucks or it's great. I think it'll be great. Okay. Thanks. I think it'll be great. Okay. Let's just say that. Okay. Well we're gonna say that. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great guys. Okay, well, well love you guys so much. We love you so much. Uh, email us. Yeah. You've also been in the dark place. Yep. And talk about the light place too, I think. Yeah. We're mostly in the light place. We're mostly in the light place. We are. And that's good. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Okay. Well our email is spoda.contact at gmail.com. Yes. We@spodapod on Instagram. You could d us. You have my phone number. I'm sure you guys do. Okay, well thanks everybody. Thank you. Till next time, stay sane. Live well, right, and just get yourself outta that dark place girls. Just kidding. We believe in you. We believe in you. Bye. Love you. Bye. Listen, we love a little end of episode, happy ending. Um, not in a sexual way, just in a nice way. Um, so I just wanted to, uh, inform you all that right after we recorded this episode, the day after we recorded this episode. I, for the first time in my entire career, got two. Really big TV auditions back to back in the same day. And, um, this is not to be braggy, and I hope it does not trigger anybody in a, in a braggy, braggy way. It's just to say, first of all, it felt like a real, real nod from the universe, girls of like, I made this decision to live like my future self, and immediately I was rewarded for it. And it also really, the reason why I'm saying this is because 13 days before getting these two big auditions that I loved to act and it was so much fun and um, it felt like such a win for me to get two auditions in the same day, 13 days before that I had one of the worst moments of my career, like ever fully crashed out in the drain. So if you're in the drain. In 13 days, it might be totally different, you know? So just keep going, keep fighting. Pull yourself outta the sewer. I know you can do it. We're gonna be in the dark place sometimes, but the light place will come. Okay. Bye.