Kristin Couture (Actor/Producer) And The Infinite God

The episode starts with an Ari/ Olivia Catch Up where we dissect the spiritual practice of laughing from Will Mueller's interview last time.

Then we get into Kristin's interview - her darkest year and how she got herself out of it, being raised Catholic, how her parents have shown her in action what it is to love God and love your neighbor, why hard conversations are sometimes the most important ones, and many other insights into her faith, life, and art.

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Beautiful music by Doug Harvey

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Transcript

0:11

Hello, hello. Welcome back to Spiritual Practices of the Disgruntled Artists. Each episode, we interview a different artist of different specialties. Mm-hmm. And we figure out their spiritual history and their spiritual background and how they are keeping themselves sane in this especially challenging time to be an artist. Yes. Spiritually. Spiritually. And then we take one of those spiritual practices. We steal it. We steal it, it's ours. Hold the baby. And, uh, and then we see how that worked for us. We tried out for two weeks. Mm-hmm. And then we come back and we say, how'd that go? How'd that go? So how'd that go about Wills? Wills was laughing, SWS was laughing. I mean, I think it went great. I don't think I, I laughed. I, I laughed. Yeah. Yeah. I think in general, I, I tend to want to laugh. Yes. I like comedy. I like to make people laugh. Mm-hmm. Um, yeah. I, I can't say that anything happened in these last weeks that I, you know, I think his was very much like. In moments of frustration and like laughing at it. Yes. And you know what, I guess I, I do, he, he mentioned, uh, like traffic being like one of those Mm mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I've been doing this for a bit, but I feel like I amped it up a bit. Is like, I call, like everyone on the road is babe. Oh really? Babe, babe. I didn't know that about you babe. Whatcha doing babe? Like, wow, that's better than what I do. It would make this podcast explicit, so I'm not gonna say it. Um, no, I have road rage too. Don't worry. Yeah. Oof. Yeah, it's deep. Yeah. But like that, those are in the moments. I mean, I feel like that I was trying to lean into that kind of nature Right. Of like, instead of getting upset about things. Yep. You know, just kind of joking with it. Yes. Yeah. For my invisible audience, which I notice I kind of do. Sometimes I'll like pretend that I, there's a camera on me, or like, there is, there is an audience. Oh. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Okay. But I think it helps me like feel like I'm, I don't, I don't even know if I like. Conceptualize it that much, you know? Yeah. But I feel like there's this idea that when I make that joke, it is too this invisible. I get that because I feel like when I'm really frustrated with the kids, I'll like try to call a friend because like I won't lose my mm-hmm. Absolute poop if like somebody's on the phone.'cause then I'll like feel embarrassed about it, like the time that I bang the pan. But I liked. I liked the laughing. I felt like I had a lot of moments. I feel like I had one moment where I was successful, where I was like, this is frustrating, and instead I'm going to laugh because of this thing. But most of the time that it was not at the front of my mind in the moments of frustration, and afterwards I was like, I should laughed at that. I should have laughed at that. So I think it's actually more of a lifelong lesson for me than like a just a two week process of like, yeah. There and there have been more moments of just like people being mean to me for no reason. Gimme names and numbers. Oh my gosh. Like there was somebody that was parked in front of my parking spot and like, usually people park in front of my parking spot and aren't there. So I beeped and then I pulled up and I saw that she was there and I was like, Hey, sorry, like I'm parked right there. Would you mind moving? And she like, wouldn't move. What? And then she like got an attitude with me and I was like, Hey, sorry, can I like. Park in my parking spot. Yeah. And she was like, you came up and beeped on me. And like, by the way, the way you're talking to me right now, like is not okay. And like she was just like such a, I mean, so anyway, I've been kinda in friendship with a lot of those moments where afterwards I was like, I wish I had the be tested. Yeah. Which is interesting'cause two BM I'm doing the next level workshop. And it says, is that like testing? Is that, it says that like when you're about to go to the next level, a lot of like, there's a lot of tests that come and there's a lot of like old programming that resurfaces and I've really felt the thing that we. Talked about, which I think I kind of worked out, but is back a little bit of the, if something good happens, then something bad. Mm-hmm. Also has to happen. Yeah. I really worked that out through to vm. Sorry, but it's true. Sorry. Sorry. But I found it coming back, which is what they say. They say like when you're about to up level, something like that comes back to like kind of make you rework it. Mm-hmm. And like are you gonna look at it differently? And I also kind of realized something about how I had, I mean, I'm working through this. I had this fear inside of like, if I become super successful, my children will be in danger, right? Like, I will be in the public eye and therefore like, will I have to get security? What am I gonna do? So anyway, I've just been like talking about that, like I've just like been talking about that shadow because it's like helpful for people to be like. A lot of people are really successful at this and like their kids are fine. Like you would be fine if you were at like a certain level and had to get like, I don't know, security or high tech cameras or something. You would just do that and it would be fine. Everyone would be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Because I realized like how can, this is why that work makes so much sense.'cause if subconsciously, I am thinking if I get to a point in my career where I'm really like. Like a household name. My children will not be safe. My children are more important to me than any of this stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So I am holding myself back if I really mm-hmm. Hold that belief. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So that's something which is not irrational, but it's, you know, you're making this, you know, it's a scenario that. Like you said, many people have, are famous and have kids and are fine. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like my disaster thinking slash like over hyper vigilance kind of stuff. Yeah. Coming out. Yeah. So, but yes, I did like the laughing thing. I think it's a, it's a lifelong goal. I, mm-hmm. I also did something interesting. Threw TV up. Mm-hmm. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. They just sponsor us. It just makes me giggle. Now every time do we lose, we name followers? I dunno. For the I people are like still like, what is t Clarify? Because there is also like a. Something Mormonism. That, that it is to That would be so funny this whole time they thought we were talking about that. I'm not a Mormon. Oh no. It's to be magnetic. It's not Mormonism. Um, anyway. Okay. They had me do a thing for this next level thing. Okay. Where they had me redo my authentic code like you went through. Oh, you have to redo it. Redo it. Wow. It was very similar, but I thought it was, should I get these boilers? Yeah. Just kidding. Kidding. These smallest. That was so interesting. Um, sorry. You are reevaluating your, yeah. Reevaluating and it was the similar, the pillars were very similar, but they did kind of change order a little bit just to recap Pillars Uhhuh in this because Yeah. So for some listening to us Andt, BM fan thick. Yeah. In, in this process of like reorganizing your, like your consciousness almost. Yeah. Or like how you think about things and. Re rewiring that, um, in order to be able to manifest Yes. Things. So like cleaning the slate. Yep. So then you're, you then have to build pillars of really figuring out, and they could be words or phrases of things that are important to you. Mm-hmm. That's what pillars are. Exactly. Yes. Good explanation. Yeah. Like the top four things mm-hmm. That are important to you. Yeah. So it has you do that and then it has you for seven days. You write down everything you did for seven days and then you go through and be like, did that align with any of my pillars? Okay. And what was interesting was that most of them aligned with one of my pillars, right? Because V is like healthy living, peace, home, family, kids. Mm-hmm. Acting. Mm-hmm Like communicating via acting. I also think kinda legacy via acting is come, I feel like I've been really drawn to like. Using my power for good. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah. Like acting in things that are meaningful. Where I, I feel like kind of before maybe last year even, I wasn't even really looking at that. Like I just wanted to be an actor.'cause it was in my heart. Now I'm like, I wanna like make something that means mm-hmm. Something. Mm-hmm. Maybe just like the way the world is, it's like. You know? Yeah. Even if it's making somebody laugh or something. Just, yeah. I want it to be, I kind of talked about a little bit in wills of like, yeah. This like idea of like, it's almost like returning the service, like yes, you are doing this, you are doing it to influence Yeah. People. Yes. Okay. Right. And um, oh, and the last one is like spirituality and magic, which like wasn't really in my first one at all. Okay. So it's kind of like, yeah. Yeah. Interesting. But. I went through and I wrote out like, went to yoga. That's healthy living pillar. Yeah. Like play with my kids. That's home Family pillar. Yeah. But there were a couple that didn't, um, that didn't do it and like that didn't hit any pillar and I just thought it was a really interesting exercise. I was gonna offer that to you to see if, like when you have your pillars, how much of them line up. I was actually surprised by how few. Of the things that I did didn't line, like there were like three, it was like one was talking to a friend that like, it's kind of a toxic friendship. Like that one didn't align. Oh, okay. I was gonna ask like, what are, where, where were they? Yes. Yeah. That one didn't align. Getting, Botox didn't align. Oh. Not healthy living. Oh. But like, and teaching, like my teaching job at West Covina with the kids. Okay. Doesn't really fall into any of my pillars, but like that is a problem that will be solved.'cause I'm not gonna stay there longer than this year. Right. But I was actually like, oh, I'm pretty much living my mm-hmm. Authentic code. Like I'm pretty much doing it. Yeah. So, I dunno. I'd be curious. I'm curious, so now that you've real now. Wait, you realigned your pillars and then you did the seven day thing? Yes. Okay. Oh, and going to bed late. That was the big one. That was the one that I was like, oh, okay. Which I've been on getting a lot. What's late for you? I mean, it, the, the problem is I think that my body really wants to go to bed at like 1130 and wake up at seven 30, but my, that is not how my kids operate. That's not, yeah, that's not reality. My kids wake up at 6 15, 6 30, so like. I want, like I feel so much better when I get eight hours of sleep. Yeah. So like even going to bed at 10 45, it's like, I really should be in bed at 10 15, like asleep by 10 30. I'm getting much better at it. And like seeing it all kind of written out like that really made me be like, yeah, that's one thing that like I can really. Change and like make a real shift that will like, make the rest of my life so much better. Like, I should just really prioritize that. Yeah. Do you think you'll continue to write them out like that or? I don't think so. I think it's a good, uh, like check inin thing. Check. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I'm feeling kind of off kilter Yeah. I think it's a great thing. And be like, let me write, just write out the set the last seven days. So everything I did. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And like does it relate to every single thing? Yeah. Does. Oh, I kind of had like a manifestation thing happen. Ooh. But it's so minor. But it is. Part of the TBM is like the little manifestation. Mm-hmm. So, i, um, recently went to like a thrift fair. Yep. Like street market thingy, love a thrift. And I was just like, I want a fun, unique t-shirt. I. Screamed when I found,'cause I'm a big those who would be those who dunno me. Uh, I'm a big Renaissance, fair gal. Yeah. Loves a Renaissance Fair. This one I love the Renaissance Fair. Everything's planned for this next one coming up, I found a Renaissance Fair T-shirt. Wow. Like, oh, like a old, like one. And I, that's amazing. Yeah. So. I was, it did feel like a little bit of a moment of like, yeah, I want like a specific, I was like, that'd be fun to find something kind of like, you know? Mm-hmm. Because they're all supposed to be vintagey. I was like, it'd be fun to find one that's like that, and I, that moment kind of gave me a little void. I love that. Like the trust muscle thing. Yeah, the trust. Yeah. That's it. That's, that's thousand percent. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Well, my magic overalls, that was one of my many manifestations, which I'm wearing now. I was gonna say, I love these. Thank you so much. And Sarah. Who was on the podcast? Yes. Fix the button. We love Sarah. Yes. That's part of her spiritual practice. So I didn't feel bad about asking her. Yes, though. I know she's very busy. Um. But I brought it to my headshot session on Thursday.'cause I, you know, yes, you, I you just bring a million things if you don't know, bring like a million different clothes to your headshot. Like having, I mean, I had some looks in mind Yes. Of like what I was going for, but like your photographer who I went with, Stephanie Girard, who I think is lovely. I'll recommend her up the wazoo. She's got a really clear idea of like, okay, this person would wear this, then we can get this many looks outta this. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And she chose overalls. So the overalls are in, they are in my head shots as like the fun quirky teacher. Neighbor. Oh, ooh, person. Oh, I love that. Yeah. And I would say, yes, I would agree, right? Yeah, with a little straight tea underneath. It was very cute. That's so cute. So it felt like, oh, maybe like. The, the third step is I book a roll from those head shots, and it all started with this like little manifestation of like wanting these quarter overalls and then being there. So yeah, I like it. I've heard of stranger things happening, so, right. Yeah, things are weird. Um, are we, things are weird. Um, I also just wanna say that we had our first rehearsal for our devised piece that we're doing together, me and Olivia and Will, ah, and Will. Hello. And Sam, also a friend of the pod. She's got a podcast episode. Yeah, we, and it was really great. It was wonderful. It really was fun. I had a really good creative day. I like helped someone with a self tape. I, we did the rehearsal during spo oda. What a treat. What a treat of a day. Yeah. Yeah. So it, it was kinda one of those, like, I, I even like, thought about it when I was taking Mabel for a while. I was like, this is, maybe the goal is to have days like this. Yes. I think you're right. Like is the goal. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's a good thing to think about. Really exciting. I really had a lot of fun. Yeah. Okay, good. I'm glad. I had a lot of fun too, and everybody was just so on board. Yes. Which is like what I thought, you know? I was like, this group of people will be like, let's figure out what this is. Yeah. And like we're not judging and like we're just, we're just making something. Yeah. Yeah. It's good to make stuff. I love it. And then one day we're gonna get like paid a lot of money to do like the same thing and the same overalls probably, you know? Probably, yeah. I don't want a pair now. Yeah, you should get it., Anything you wanna share? I was talking earlier about how the wind, the wind is calling my name. Yes. Lately. I dunno what it's, this is like, when you think a thought and the wind blows, you're like, that's the way I should go. Kinda like that. You know? It's even more almost like op, like reversed. Oh, okay. Like when the wind, when I notice the wind, I'm like, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I, I just feel like a, uh, attuned or aware or it feels like, it feels like a little like kiss. Oh, I love that. Uh, you know, it just feels good, you know, so I don't, I don't know if it's like a. It is a sign, but it's a very like, just more of like good omen kind of. Mm. Yeah. I love this. What's so funny is, um, I mean we haven't really talked about astrology too much on here. We have, but like I feel like in just kind recently we haven't. Um, but I'm an air sign, but I've always like been drawn to water. Yes. And water. Very important for you. I love water. I think water is like so important, but I don't know, just recently. There's something about. The winds be air, like the, and, and just air in general too. Mm. But yeah, specifically I think like a breeze, right? The, the active, active air. Think that's, I feel like that is so great because like that can happen at any, anywhere, at any time. So like, I just feel like I got an image of you like walking into your first big Netflix audition or something like the wind picks up that would, and you being like, this is gonna be it. Yeah. Like this is gonna be great. Yeah. And also the Santa Ana's are happening right now, so Yeah, it's very windy. Lots of good things coming your way. But also, you know what's so funny is I, I don't know if this is, it's, so it's the last time we had the Big Santa Ana's mm-hmm. In Los Angeles last year were the fires. Yes. Yeah. And I almost had this like moment of like, oh, should I be warned? But then I thought, mm-hmm. Should you be warned? Like, even though I'm saying like, oh, the wind and the breeze feels like a good omen. I did have a millisecond of fear of like, oh, like is it actually a warning? Wind is a warning, but I don't think so. No, I think that's just like trauma. Yes. Yeah. That's your fear from last year, well we got a great episode for you episode. Episode. We got a great episode for you. Yes. Hold onto your hats. Uh, yes. Amazing. And as always, right in DM us, we got an email spodapod@gmail.com. You got a guest you wanna recommend? Yeah. You got a topic you wanna cover? Come, just come talk. You just tell us. Tell us. You can tell us your problems. Yeah. Tell it to us. Well, we love you spies. Enjoy, enjoy. Talk to you later. Bye bye. Welcome spot. Welcome spot. Welcome back. We got a great guest for you today. Yeah, we do. She's a wonderful person and I love her so much. I really do. I'm kind of obsessed with you. Am I allowed to talk? You can even sing. Oh my god. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Kristin Couture. Hi, actor, producer. That's it. Redhead. You can do fire. Oh, I do fire dance. I don't, I don't really do it anymore, but I did do it briefly for a while. Fire dance. Yeah. You have to put it down your throat or No, no. So I did the fans, I did fire dancing with fans and um, I actually did it.'cause when I moved out to LA I was meeting all these interesting people, like actors that were also writers and producers, all things that we're used to now. Mm-hmm. But when I was a new LA person, um, I could do nothing but act. Mm-hmm. And I was like, cool. I'm really boring. I don't wanna feel boring. Mm. I'm in the most interesting city, like one of the most interesting cities in the world. I should do something to make me feel less boring. So someone recommending fire dancing, I did it. And when you do it, you're like, your confidence goes up and you're like, I can do anything. So yeah, I kind of fell into it and then they hired me as a performer briefly, and, and then I didn't do it anymore. That's okay. Now I just do it for fun. That's awesome. But you've done it. That's all skill. Yeah. That was a random fact. It's not my career. It's a great random fact. Yeah. If you're ever on a game show, you should talk about that. I'll be like, anyone wanna see some? Bye. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Well, welcome to oda. We're so happy to have you here. Thank you for having me. It's cozy. It's cozy. Olivia's good at curating. That's, I do like to do that. I, I've decided, I, I, I'll admit it. I'll admit it. I do like to curate and it's you. Skill at it. Skill. Thank you. Thank you. Um, so notoriously we start with this, with either three breaths or pulling a card or both. Oh, do you have a choice? Uh, let's do pulling a card. Great. And I only pull cards with Olivia. So realize, well, I'm here. I'm here. Let's do it. All right. You know the drill. I'm just gonna put it in a circle and then you can pull one and if you want to ask a question. Okay. You can, you don't have to say it out loud or if, you know, if you have a question in mind. I don't know if I have a question right now. That's great. Usually I'm always like, what do I need to hear? Yeah. I like what is the message? Um, so yeah, I already know I want this one. Okay, great. Direct like, can I show you? I see me? Yes. Three of swords. Ooh, they're cute. The card shows two fairy girls. Oh yeah, they are cute. Okay. Three of swords. When something you love or have invested in is lost, it hurts. If you lost something, don't try to act like it doesn't matter. Acknowledge and express your pain. You may be afraid that if you let those feelings out, they will engulf you and overtake your life. It may feel like that for a while, but eventually your mourning will be over and you'll be able to start healing. Love that. Very relevant to an artist's life. Yes, it is. Does that speak to you right now? Like when that, when she was saying that, did it say anything to you? Kind of. I mean, I have to admit I'm on like. The, I'm on like new beginnings trajectory for like building career stuff. So I'm on a very hopeful trajectory at the moment. Great. But I did have, you know, there was like always the dip for a long time. Mm-hmm. Like last year I had almost no work whatsoever. Mm-hmm. I've never gone a whole year with, uh, no work. And, um, and so yeah, it's like I was very honest about it. Like it's good to talk about it. Mm-hmm. It's not something I thought I would talk about today, but now I am getting a lot of opportunities coming my way that were beyond what I ever imagined. Mm-hmm. Um, so yeah, it's interesting. Yeah. That's great. Was there like a mindset shift that happened before things started flowing in for you? Um, you know, I'm trying to think. Uh, probably, I think it was, yeah, it was maybe a bit of an acceptance of mm-hmm. You know, there was like a lot of guilt, especially going into, you know, I'm a newlywed going into, um, a new marriage, feeling like I wasn't adding anything financially to the marriage, which is not anything that was a pressure for us. Mm-hmm. But I, I like the contributing, I like that the pressure is not only on one person. I think it's really lovely if you can share the financial pressure, um, even if one is doing very well. Mm-hmm. I think it's still nice to share it. Uh,'cause it could be a lot on one person. Yeah. But, uh, yeah. And you've always been like, I mean, something you guys both have in common is like, you guys are go-getters, like you guys I like working you. Yes. You work hard and Yeah. Like it definitely like feeds my spirit to work. Mm-hmm. Um, it feeds my creativity. I feel, I feel. Like, sometimes I'll even take smaller things just to find the momentum again. Mm-hmm. And that was the hardest part of basically a year of no work, was trying to find your own momentum when it doesn't exist elsewhere is very difficult. Yeah. And so I would have to create ways to find momentum. And it was actually just, it probably was a shift to write in Mindspace.'cause it was just, um, a few months ago that I found a bit, a bit of an acceptance of being like, it's okay. Like everyone's struggling to find work right now. Mm-hmm. Like, you can't force it. It doesn't matter how many resumes you have out, how many projects are like not happening, um, how low auditions are. Like, you can't force it, so let's just try to find momentum where you have it. And I started trying to find like rituals to find that momentum. And I just recently came to a ritual that kinda like, worked well for me. Ooh. Um, what was that? Yeah, it was, it's so, it's so basic and it sounds so silly, but, um. I was like, okay, I can't get too relaxed in the morning when I wake up. Mm-hmm. Like, it's so hard to find the momentum when you start out in a too relaxed of a space and not relaxed as like a, like calm or anything. Like, relax in the sense that it's like, I'm not gonna, I don't wanna wake up and already watch like a TV show or like, you know, read a book that I've been enjoying. It's like, no, I wanna wake up and like focus on work first and see how that builds, and, uh, how do I, how do I create that momentum first thing in the morning? And if it ends early, it ends early, but let's at least start that day. Mm-hmm. So I was like, well, let's create a, a timeframe where. No matter what I do, even if it's a relaxing ritual, it still is work focused. Mm-hmm. So I would be like, okay, until 1:00 PM, which is still very early, like I believe in taking bite size. Mm-hmm. So I was like, until 1:00 PM every ritual I do throughout the day is work focused. So even though I'm creating my own work in a lot of ways, I'm, I'm, I have productions in the works. Right. You know, uh, self tape, auditions, all this stuff. You know, even if I'm like making breakfast instead of having like real Housewives on in the background as I make my breakfast mm-hmm. I will put on a audiobook of like, some kind of like work audiobook, um, or, uh, goal-focused audiobook or what. I've really been the game changer for me and it's gonna sound so lame. Don't judge me, listeners. No. Um, I have gotten really into masterclass. Have you heard of? Yeah, I've been considered doing that. Yeah. I, I always, I hesitate to recommend it because it can be very expensive for some people. It's a, it's a membership that's$120 for the year and Okay, I got it for half off. I got it for$60 for the year. Um, and I would not recommend someone jump in by doing it. Do the free trial first, see if you like this and what did it, but the problem was I was doing. All artist masterclass. Mm-hmm. I was, I was watching all the actor masterclasses, all the director producers, and I didn't feel like I was getting a lot out of it. Oh, yeah. Um, and I,'cause it was like, they were usually all people in the industry that were so far ahead of me. Mm-hmm. And had been in the industry for so long to build your way in the industry does not look the same anymore. Yeah, totally. So I, I couldn't relate to them in a lot of ways. And what they were trying to teach was sometimes way too basic. Like I've known it for years mm-hmm. Or wasn't relevant to me and what I can do with like, less connections, less circumstance, all of that. Mm-hmm. Um. So I would watch, you know, hours to get like little nuggets and it didn't quite feel worth it, especially for a very expensive membership. Yeah. Yeah. The shift that I started doing, I stopped focusing on artist stuff all together. I started watching master classes about business stuff, like negotiation stuff like building chemistry and relationships mindset. Like I, I took out the arts altogether because it wasn't generating any new creative thought for me. Um,'cause I think it was, um, a bit of a tired subject in my brain. And then, yeah, like there's this one that's the art of negotiation by this man named Chris Foss, I think is his name. And he, he literally was an FBI hostage negotiator. Whoa. And he breaks down. Like how to negotiate with people on a daily basis. And it's like magic. You will suddenly change how you talk to people. Wow. You'll be shocked of the things that, like you'll learn from him that suddenly you're in a regular conversation and people are talking to you with more enthusiasm than you, like you've ever experienced before. Wow. And it will change how you talk in business. It'll change how you talk to your, your teams, your everything I do in production. Right. Like suddenly my art of negotiation has created totally new creative thought for me. Wow. Um, so I, I love art. I can stop watching the artist stuff, watch, like, watch business and, and don't do masterclass, do YouTube videos. Mm-hmm. I, mm-hmm. What was the game changer for me, it's like start watching the stories of major business people and how they do stuff.'cause it's actually so relevant to our industry and we are our own businesses. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, and it just, it helps you think outside the box. Yeah. I think it's easy. And I don't know if you guys have felt this way, but it. It gets really easy to feel stale at times. Mm-hmm. Like, like, I don't know what to do. Yeah. Like, I feel like I've done everything. Yeah. It is this it? Am I not cut out for this? Mm-hmm. I have, I have nowhere. I know. I don't know what to go next. Yeah. Um, and I think hitting a wall like that is really discouraging. So when you're able to start finding new, types of thinking and thinking outside the box suddenly creates inspiration, momentum, creativity, and you're like, tons of things I haven't thought of. Oh my God, I can't wait to try it. Yeah. So, yeah. I love that. That's great. So yeah, that, that changed everything and from there, suddenly new opportunities were like throwing themselves at me. Wow. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point because I, I do feel like. The actor rhetoric, especially right now, we've talked about it like there's so many casting director Instagram, things that are like, pay us to tell you how to make yourself tape stand out, which like mm-hmm. Is just so much of it is luck. Not that that doesn't matter, but like anybody at the top has been like, it's luck. It's luck. Yes. Like you can't create luck. It's luck. You just keep going and do interesting work. Mm-hmm. And like, but just'cause you're keeping going and doing interesting work. It, the last factor is luck. Absolutely. And connections. And like, you can't luck connections. And there is a degree of making your own luck, but that's by making your own networking. Yeah. Like it's, which then people are like, oh, I just network. I have to meet all these people and go to these networking events. I'm like, no, I've been to networking events, I hate them. So how do I make networking look like something that I enjoy in my life? Mm-hmm. And it's gonna look different for everyone. And I think part of thinking outside the box is the important thing because if you do think out the side box and it totally reflects who you are, it's so much more genuine and you start building more relationships because of it. Uh, if there's anything I hear, even from some of these videos that I've watched, um, not even just the artist ones, but the business ones, they're like, you're not getting the jobs from the people that are like 10 steps ahead of you. Because they already have all their network of people that they started out with from college. Like grad school. Yeah. Being in the trenches. They're just hiring all their friends from there that they've been working with for years. Right. So keep working with your friends and let yourselves all rise together. Yeah. And then you become the new generation and, you know, you hear all of that. So that's why I believe work brings work and even doing like short films here and there, you know, just making a podcast with your friends, so like, it all, it all brings like this new network of people to you that you never imagined and you all rise together. Mm-hmm. In some ways. So. That's great. Yeah, I believe in that. Yeah. Um, let's talk about like your spiritual history. Yeah. Like where, how you grew up. Yeah. All that. Yeah. Jazz. I'm, I'm a Irish Catholic girl. I'm a, I'm a good, uh, yeah, I'm super Catholic. Uh, my family's very Catholic, but I'm very lucky because I was raised by Catholics who really do reflect like the basis of the Bible, which is like, love God and love your neighbor. Yeah. That's it. Mm-hmm. It's so simple. Yet it's so hard. Mm-hmm. You know, because it, you're asked to love your neighbor your whole life and your neighbor. It's not telling you in the Bible, like love, you know your friend, love your mom, like, love your dad. It's saying love your neighbor. It's saying love that enemy of yours that you struggle with on the daily. So yeah, it's, the rules are simple, but they're not easy always. Yeah. So I was very lucky to get raised by those people rather than. You know, horror stories I hear from friends who've gone to Catholic school, which I'm very against Catholic school.'cause I feel like you, you already struggle with teachers in general, but just, did you go, you didn't know? No, I didn't go to Catholic school. Yeah. I think I, that's probably why I still don't mind my religion is'cause mm-hmm. I didn't have a lot of bad exposure and there's a lot of really bad churches out there and mm-hmm bad people and Catholicism still just like every religion. Um, and I had a lot of really good exposure, um, to people who I'm like, oh wow. Like, I feel like you are doing these things that were asked of us. Um, but sometimes because of that, I, I would say I'm sometimes harder on religious people and Catholics in particular than I am on non-Catholics because I'm, I'm like, if you're saying you like, believe in this, this book, you believe in what we were told and then you don't do it. I'm like, in some ways like, you're a worse offender to me. Um, and I think I've met of course, like a lot of. Status Catholics that use it more for, you know, status and than actual like, loving message. And, and it's just very frustrating when you're like, oh yeah. Yes. It should be about love. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. My husband is Catholic. Oh. So, you know, so I know, but you know, like it's kind of, it's been, I mean, the political climate, I wonder how it's affected your family.'cause I, what I'm noticing it's like how can you love the neighbor? Yeah. And be and support ice. Yes. How is that loving the neighbor? Like, it's so evident. Yeah. And I mean, the church that we go to is like. Very against the administration. Yeah. Same with my church. Very, we have these two priests that we still keep in touch with who baptized. Both our kids we're like the, honestly, the oldest whitest priest you've ever had. But they're both for trans rights. Yeah. They both like went and preached about trans rights. They're both like, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's like so that I'm like, that is what it is. So I mean, there was a big di discussion of like, if I would ever convert and I won't ever convert because I can't join something that like doesn't believe in gay rights. I totally, totally understand that as a to, as a total thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Even there's these pockets of people that are like really progressive in it, which I always really appreciate. Yeah. But for you and your family and like this political climate, how's that been? Hmm. It's actually been, it's been good. Um, because in some ways I've been very proud of a lot of my family who, you know, initially, even though it broke my heart, we're. They voted for this administration. Mm-hmm. And then I started coming along and they, and all this started happening. Um, and they were like, I can't support this. Yeah. Like it really was what changed the tide in a lot of ways.'cause they were like, I have a lot of family that very much believes in immigration. I mean, we are immigrants. Right. So, yeah. Um, you know, my, my great grandpapa, my, my mom's grandpa who he was, she was very close with, he is a, he left Germany during, um, the Nazi regime. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, he had to escape that, like, and he benefited from asylum. Mm-hmm. Like all, we very much believe in this. My, my great grandma, she's very Irish. She left during, that whole, the war between the Protestants and the Catholics. Yeah. Like her neighbors. It was any moment someone could be getting their house blown up, like it was, like, it was so, like she benefited from asylum. Like we really believe in it. So to have it so. So like thoroughly abused in our own country. Like it was actually the thing that I think kind of brought us together politically in the way that we were not, um, we were not quite aligned before. Mm-hmm. Uh, on just like this administration. So that's great because that's not a lot of people's experience. No, it's not. And it wasn't an easy conversation'cause it didn't come up right away. It had to be, this is actually something that happened recently where I didn't know, you know, I could tell my parents seemed that way, but I was like, we have to talk about this. Yeah. Like, I can't ignore this. Especially with how I see, like, it weighs on everyone around me. And, um, I did a trip and, I reached out ahead of time and I kind of gave a heads up on a phone call. I was like, I know I'm gonna see you for 24 hours. They were gonna be just in San Diego. I was gonna go visit. Mm-hmm. And, um, I was like, and I just wanna apologize because I, I know I don't get to see you all the time and I want this to be fun, but I actually have some things that have been really weighing on my heart that I, I just really need to talk to you guys about. And I, I need you to know that it's important to me and I, I, I need you to take it seriously and we can, so we can discuss it. And my, my mom said the most beautiful thing I felt very lucky in that moment.'cause she didn't discredit me for a second. She didn't go, oh, you know, like, don't worry, do we have to, you know? Mm-hmm. She,'cause I told her I was gonna send her email in advance and I wanted to talk about, with like, sources and I wanted to talk about things that were weighing on me. And I was gonna send an email and then hopefully we could talk about it for like a hard 24 hours while I was there. And she said the most beautiful thing. She said, oh my God, honey. Of course. She said, if you have something weighing on you and need to, you need to talk about it. Let's talk about it. She's like, Kristen, every day is not a fairytale. It does not need to be a fairytale. This is not a Disney movie. Like if you have hard things to talk about, let's talk about it. And it was like, it made me emotional at the time. Yeah. Because I was like, wow. It was a reminder of like how, like I was taught all the lovely things that I felt like were right from the Bible. Mm-hmm. That you don't always see reflected in your religion, unfortunately. And you don't always see people reflect it. But in that moment, my parents reflected it. Yeah. Yeah. And they really showed up for what they taught me. And, and I did. And we went and I, you know, we talked about things for. Uh, you know, hours. And I found out they were actually already on board. They were already like, oh no. Oh my. They were like, we are not okay with this. We're not okay with this. And, uh, she's like, I cannot wait for this administration to be out. Yeah. Um. So, yeah, it was a really lovely moment. Great. That, that is great. I love people who are, are able to say, oh, we were wrong. I just love that. You know what I mean? I've give you so much credit because I, I, I, I, I'm sure it's both parties, but like, obviously right now, it's like, I'm sure there's a lot of pressure from the Republican party to stay in the game, even though it's absolutely insane to stay in the game. Yeah. And the people that are like, oh, actually no. I'm like, oh, that's so, it's wonderful. It's, and brave, and like, thank God, you know, it really is. And I totally understand people wanting to be like so mad at the person who like chose to vote to get us here. Right. But at the same time, it is very brave to say, wow, I was wrong. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And, and it, it'd be so easy to rage and be like, yeah, you were wrong. And say, I told you so. I told you so. But the reality is all I can ask is that people are susceptible to change.'cause a lot of people aren't. Oh yeah. And so when it happens, like it should be celebrated, it should say. Okay. Lemme pull you a glass of wine. Come sit. You know, like, let's, let's, let's talk more about this and, and something I've learned from this is, uh, you know, this administration is built on making us feel very angry. Mm-hmm. And it, and it benefits a lot of what they're trying to do. Yeah. To make us angry. Yeah. So to really take those three deep breaths like you sometimes do on the show. Mm-hmm. Or, or to say, I'm going to choose love every time. And sometimes choosing love is just having the conversation. And that doesn't mean you can't set boundaries. That doesn't mean if someone's been right repeatedly disrespecting you mm-hmm. And you've tried to talk to that you shouldn't take a break, walk away. Yeah. Yeah. But I really believe in trying to have the conversation first But the last thing I'll say is like, there's this street, um, on, uh, Hauser that this one house has a sign. They post, they make their own, uh, poster boards. Okay. And they, they post it like every two weeks. They'll have like a new one that they wrote but the one that they've had up for the last few weeks, which like made me emotional was speak your mind even when your voice shakes. Yeah. And I was like, that's so true right now. Like, speak your mind even when your voice shakes and just be like vulnerable and honest and yeah. And you can know that you did what you could, and more often than not, you'd be shocked who's willing to have like that conversation and plant a seed. So do you still feel like you relate to being Catholic now? You know, I do. Okay. This is my, this will probably surprise some my family, but, um, I. I am Catholic because my family's Catholic. Yeah. So it's, it makes it very easy for me to celebrate my religion with them. Mm-hmm. But my parents encouraged us to actually, um, look at other religions. So I went to Temple with friends growing up. Like I was researching, of course you did Other religions. Yeah. Are you kidding me? I'm still mad. I didn't get a bat mitzvah. I didn't get a kid either. So God really missing out. What, uh, but um, yeah, I, you know, they really encouraged us'cause they were like, we're Catholic, but you need to decide if you are Catholic. And again, I'm very lucky, like that's not the case always. And I think in some ways that freedom of ex exploration, uh, made me choose Catholicism.'cause it's something I could do with my family. Mm-hmm. And I, and at that time too, and as I was growing up, I got so sick of, honestly. Not just bad Catholics, but like anyone in religion just spewing the Bible at me in a way that seemed very manipulative in a way that I was like, that doesn't sound right. That doesn't feel right. Yeah. Um, to the point where I was like, I gotta read this bible a more and see if like this is true. Yeah. And, and I didn't bitesize I just started doing the readings every night. So you can go online and you can be like, today's reading.'cause every day there's a, there are readings. Right. And I just started being like, okay, every night before bed I'm gonna do today's reading. Mm-hmm. It's usually like two short readings. It does, it takes me five minutes, half the time. Yeah. You love to read and I love to read. I read all the time. Yeah. Um, so I did that for a year'cause I was really sick of recently not knowing. No, this was probably 10 years ago. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Was this during, was this during college? Maybe it started, I can't quite remember. But, um, and, uh. Yeah. And if anything, what that did, actually reading the Bible, like the New Testament in particular, what it made me realize was that, oh, okay, I, it doesn't have to be Catholicism necessarily. Like there are so many religions that follow this book. And also, there were a few, passages that really made the difference. Okay. So there are, there are two in particular that always stand out to me that kind of like covers all the bases to me. One was like literally the, one of the disciples asked Jesus, Are, there are some rules and commandments that are more important than others. And Jesus said, yeah, he's like the only two that matter. The only two that, not only two that matter. He's like, but the most important, the only the ones you should really focus on are love God and love thy neighbor, what we talked about before. Mm-hmm. Uh, he's like, everything falls into place with that. He's like, it's all, it's all you need to focus on. So he basically said, don't worry about everything else. Everything else. Right. I want you to focus on just these two. Yeah, yeah. Which is fascinating because it came also in history from an era of humans love rules. Right. And like the Romans had so many rules, like Judaism has so many rules and ironically Catholicism now has so many rules. Mm-hmm. Like humans will just love to create rules on rules. Like we love structure. Yeah. We love all these things. Every single religion. Do you think we need it? I think some people need it. Yeah. I think, uh, I, I don't think there's anything wrong with having structure. Structure. I do think there is something wrong with. I've made up this rule and now all of you have to follow it. And it is now God's role, which is just not reality. And every religion does it. And also even I've met atheists that come up with it in their own way. Humans love rules. Yeah. Yeah. And this passage just said, these are the only ones that matter. That's it. That's all you have to do. Yeah. Love God and love thy neighbor. And God to me can be, you know, to me God is God. Mm-hmm. But I really believe God can be the universe. I think it's many words. Mm-hmm. Like, I think like when Olivia and I talk about spiritual stuff, and even though she's not Catholic, I feel very aligned with her. Like all the way she talks about the universe and something bigger than you, like all makes sense to me. I'm like, yeah. I think we're talking about the same thing. I call it God, you call it the universe. Yeah. To me God is infinite. So why can't it be called something else? Mm-hmm. Um, as long as it's not like me, you know, a human thinking their God. You know, like that's the, that's the issue. Like you can't think your God like you can think it's in you and we all share it together. Yeah. But, um. But yeah. And then the other one is lovely neighbor. And then the second passage that really struck me that I was like, this are the really, the things that say it all was, there's this story of, um, the disciples and Jesus walking and there's this man and he's preaching on the streets and he's preaching all the things that Jesus preaches. And one of the disciples was like, whoa, Jesus, this guy is saying all the stuff you say, but he doesn't follow you. And I took that as like, oh, I think they're like, this guy should be in trouble right now. And uh, and I was like, wow, they're really ratting this guy out. Like he doesn't follow Jesus. Uh, Jesus, Jesus, that guy's saying he's stealing what you say, but he doesn't follow you. And then Jesus so simply was like, no, if he's not against us, he's for us. Mm. So such a simple statement of him saying it doesn't matter if he's preaching love and like. Being good to one another, then he's part of us, whether he follows me or not. And to me that that changed everything. Yeah. I was like you. And what's interesting is the basis of almost every religion I've ever read about is love God and love by neighbor. Yeah. The basis of almost every single one. I have a friend who studies Hinduism. We align on so many things. It also focuses on those things. Mm-hmm. So while I focus on Catholicism, because it allows me to be very close with my family, I believe that, you know, if you're not against us, you're for us. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It doesn't matter if you're in another religion or, or you know, you don't, you're not a original. If you love the world and think of something greater than yourself and love each other, then you're not against us. You're for us. Yeah. Yeah. So do you still like go to church and practice And I do. I go to church, uh, pretty regularly. Like I said, I'm a good Catholic girl, but, uh, but I mostly go. I go for me, like I go because it has been trained in me to be a meditative experience. Yeah. So the way that some people, a meditation does that for them. Wow. Church does that for me. And granted, I, I can only go to a church with a good priest. Like I have to feel like our sermons line. Like I will, if I had a priest that had sermons that were like, fire and brimstone, like I have considered walking out before, and I definitely said, I'm never going back to that church again. Right. Yeah. Right. Because at the end of the day, churches are built by people too. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. Do you, do you pray a lot? I pray every single day. Okay. It's almost like, um. The way that some people manifest to me. Okay. So I, I just see it as like a different form of manifestation. Like it's a constant conversation with God. Um, and I would, I would say it's very similar. So it's maybe not me getting on my knees at my bed, like saying, like, dear Lord, but I, I say all the time, I, I pray to God. I had a moment a few weeks ago where I was like devastated about something and I was like, oh God, I just need help. I was just thinking to myself, I just need help. I just need help. And so it was just like a, a simple, a simple prayer. Mm. Two hours later my prayer was answered. Wow. You know, I, I really do think it's the same. It's, it's being in tune with, with everything. Mm-hmm. And sometimes there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Sometimes you get it, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you weren't supposed to get it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, so there's not like a time that you pray, it's just kinda like throughout your I like to pray in particular before bed. Mm-hmm. I like fall asleep. Praying kinda like fall, like try fall asleep. Manifesting for those of you who don't pray. Yeah. Like fall asleep. Just thinking of all the things you want for your loved ones and yourself. And it is a great way to fall asleep. I I tend to literally fall asleep as I'm praying for people.'cause also it gets tiring after a while. Yeah. You're like, please take care of this person who's sick. Like, I've been thinking of this person. Oh, I, you know, I care about them. Like they've been struggling with getting this job. Help them get this job. Like, I, I literally, I've been doing it since I was a child. Mm-hmm. And I have told very few people this. I literally pray for God. I'm like, since I was a kid I was like, well, who prays for God? God, you know. Oh God. And um. And I do think there's something for, you know, praying for the world then like, you know, just, does it help? I have no idea. Does it hurt? I doubt it. So why not? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I used to pray. I used, I mean, I still pray, but I used to like pray and fall asleep, but it got to a point where it just like, would freak me out.'cause it, I would start worrying about things. Oh, interesting. And it also felt like it became like a, yeah, not ooc d but sort of like ooc d adjacent. It can, it's that structure that starts getting like those rule you like, and I've, I've done it too. I've adjusted as well. Um, where my prayers start getting too long. Yeah. Too, I felt like I did, I miss out, couldn't miss out. I couldn't leave anyone out. I absolutely, actually relate to you in that. Yeah. Um, and I, I don't, and I have adjusted it because of that to be like, it's okay. Like I, it's okay if I didn't get everyone tonight. Mm. It doesn't mean they're not getting taken care of. It doesn't mean I don't love them. Like, some days I'm just tired and some days I, I, I make it to. Almost no prayer. Like, you know, some days I'm just like, thanks God. Like I literally will fall asleep just being like, thank you, God, I love you. Yeah. Like in my head. And then probably like, think about a million other things that aren't prayers. You know, like it's not a perfect idea, but it's something that I do quite often and I do think it should, like anything. Um, I, I've always said, I think, you know, tradition is, should be in tradition or like rules or something should be like food in the fridge. Mm-hmm. The second it starts going bad, throw it out, get new food. And so if like, you got, so that's what I did same as you, where I'm like, it's not working. I can't, I can't pray for every single person I'm concerned about in my life. So I adjusted it. Or I would just take a night off. I would just take a night off and be like, thank you for everything. Or I would be like, uh, you know, God, please, uh, take care of everyone I love and care about. And you know, like I would generalize it. Yes. And then there would be days that I would make a point to, to focus on it more. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But, um, yeah, I do think again. Something goes bad, throw it out. Yeah. Restructure it. Buy new food, you know? Yeah, yeah. Now I, I like that if I, if I pray, it's like generally in the morning now and not at night, and then sometimes it just, like, instead of I realize my brain like, like, says things in words, like specifically prayer. It'll be like a monologue. And I found it easier if I can just be like, the energy, like instead of putting words to it, I'm just like, this boy who used to live in my apartment, but like, just Yes. Instead of having to say the words. Just like, you know what I mean? That person. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, okay, let's wrap it up. You know, like, yeah. No, I, I, I love it. I think there's also like, I think it's the same idea with being in tune with, um, the universe, which is so interesting.'cause in Catholicism we have this idea of, um, the Holy Spirit, which to me is like the definition of the universe. It's like, oh, okay. It's the idea of like, you know, father, son, holy Spirit. Holy Spirit is like. The version of God. That is everything Interesting. That is interconnected. That's to me, again, like religion is so, yeah. So interesting to talk about because it could mean something totally different to someone else. So, so yeah, that, that makes me think of a conversation I recently had with my brother. So my brother also very Catholic. He actually is, um, very strong in, in the Catholic faith. And he, uh, is technically like a brother in the church. Like he is officially a part of the church. He's not a priest, but he is a, okay. He's, uh, a brother in the church. No, he's not. Like, he doesn't have an, I don't know what his official, um. Like title, title would be, but he is in the church. He is celibate for the rest of his life. He's in the church. Whoa. I did not know that. He is celibate for the rest of his life. He has committed himself to God in the world. Wow. And he, he really is, is he married? Because, I don't know. Can you be married and celibate? Can't, like, I didn't know. You know what I mean? Like if No, absolutely. There's, it's a, it's a, it's a solid question. And it was actually, it was so interesting when he chose this path.'cause I was like, why do you feel like you can't help the world and also be, you know, be with someone one day? Mm-hmm. And he was just like, I just feel like I'm called to devote my life to helping people. Wow. And it's so interesting to see because, his current job and what he's had for years is he works with an organization that. Works with the homeless every single day. And it is a rigorous job. Like,'cause they, it's not like a soup kitchen or a shelter. It is, their purpose is to literally just create relationships with homeless on the street. Wow. Because one of the number one like difficulties in the homeless community is that you have no connection to people isolated. That you, I mean, the reality is if you lost everything today, you both have people that would keep you from getting to the street. Yeah. Right, right, right. So normally if they've gotten there, it's because they have no one. No. Yeah. Or it's gotten the point where they have, there's so many different stories. Mm-hmm. But they've off connection, they've cut off and they've cut themselves off, or the stories are endless. Yeah. Um, sometimes it's generational. Like it's, it's, it's wild. So to have just an organization that has. My only purpose is to be your friend. Mm-hmm. And not to be, and even though it was a, it's a religious, um, organization, they very much focus on something that I think is important, which, you know, you are not my friend. If you believe in God. In fact, we don't even have to talk about God. You're just my friend. Mm-hmm. Like, I'm just here every day if you want to talk. Um, wow. And what's the name of the organization? It's called Christ in the City. Mm-hmm. In, in LA No, it's in Denver. Okay. I wish it was in la. Gosh, we could, we could use, we could use, they could definitely extra help in la. Use Christ in the city, but Christ in the city. And they literally just, they go, they have friends on the street. They literally called them. They're friends on the street and they're just a resource. They're just someone they can talk to. They're, it's just as simple as that. And they don't have to talk about religion at all because. The reality is you don't have, you shouldn't have to have the same faith to have a friendship. Yeah. Because loving someone is free. Mm-hmm. You know, like, being a friend should be free. Yeah. Um, and that's what they believe in. So many of their friends on the streets, like openly are, you know, don't believe in God anymore. Doesn't matter. It's fine. Mm-hmm. Like, but it has changed so many lives to the point where my brother, who's been doing it for seven to 10 years now, he has so many friends who have left the streets. He's been invited to their weddings. Like, he's like, they have really totally different lives now than when they were homeless. And, um, and That's awesome. It sometimes just starts by having a friend. Mm-hmm. Wow. So, yeah. That's incredible. But anyway, sorry, that was a side tangent. No, but beautiful. But we had a conversation recently about how, you know, going back to prayer, how he, him who is so devoted mm-hmm. In some ways, doesn't even pray like we talk about anymore. He's like, honestly, Kristen. It's so innate in me. Yeah. This connection. I don't really pray anymore. Right. Right. He's like, it's just a part of me. Like, it's like, it's like my consciousness is just like constantly like in tune with open dialogue. Like the world, like with like, God, I don't, it's just I don't, I don't really pray anymore. Wow. Um, which is not something you would normally hear from someone who's a part of the church. Right. Yeah. But he's like, that's kind of where I'm at. And I was talking to another friend who he was telling me how he came to a spiritual experience and he's not Catholic. He, um, in some ways has, in many ways has left his church. Um. And he was like, yeah, I just feel like I don't need to pray anymore. Like, I just, I'm all, I just feel in tune and I was like, yeah. Wow. I, I don't think you need to. Right. Yeah. Just because you were told that that works doesn't mean it works for you anymore. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Totally. So, so do you feel like God has a plan for you and like you're following in the steps of that plan? You know, there are, there are. Sometimes I do, and there's some times that I just think it doesn't matter. I what, either way I don't feel alone. Mm-hmm. I don't know if there's a plan, but the best part in believing in something greater than me is I don't feel alone. And I feel like every step along the way, even in my, like truly, even in my darkest moments and I've had some dark moments, um, I didn't even in like true devastation, I, I just feel like I wasn't alone. Mm-hmm. And, and that's a big deal. It's actually the reason why, you know, something that's very, something I've been looking into a lot lately and that my brother deals with is. It's why the center of AA is you have to believe in a higher power. Mm.'cause you cannot and, and have community.'cause you can't, you can't get through things alone. Yeah. Um, so even, even in aa, they're like, you don't have to believe in God, but you have to believe in something greater. You have to believe there's something bigger than you. You have to believe you are not God. Mm-hmm. And you are not it. Yeah. Because you can't do it alone and you have to have a community. Mm-hmm. And I think that could be true to everything in life. I think that could be true to being an artist. Yeah. I think that could be true to any success in life. Mm-hmm. Any life. Like, I mean, if someone could be like, no, I built this business on my own. I'm like, no, people still bought the product. Right. People were still fans. Like, yeah, you just, nothing, you, it's just not, it's good to not be alone. And so I believing in God is, is, um. Very helpful for me in that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever, like, struggle with your faith, especially like as an actor where it just feels so, you know, I think everyone struggles with doubts at times. Mm-hmm. Um, I think it's important to struggle with doubt, I think, to never question anything is you're never growing then. Mm-hmm. Um, so yeah, of course there were times I, I had certain doubts. Um, but I think when you have doubts, it's when you should lean into researching'em. That's when you should, in some ways my doubts and me being like, well, I wanna learn more, then like, let's, let's see this. And that's when I started. Reading the Bible more. Mm-hmm. Like getting and I talking to more people and it would ping pong at times. Sometimes it would make me more doubtful. And then, and then through it, in some ways I found more faith. Mm-hmm. Um, so yeah, I think, I think it's important to lean into your doubt a little bit. Not say my doubt means that's what I a hundred percent believe. Right. But it means I have research to do. Yeah. Right. Yeah.'cause you're like digging deeper, you know, you're like allowing yourself to get into the, I think doubt is important. Yeah. Like, and there'll be Catholics that would scoff at me for saying this. They'd be like, you have to faith. And I'm like, having doubt doesn't mean you don't have faith. It just means you have questions. Doubt is information. I think every emotion is information. Mm-hmm. And I don't know if you can call doubt an emotion, but it's still definitely something that gives you information and something you're going through and shows you a path to what the next step could be. Mm-hmm. Which is, I have doubt. I should take steps to read about it. Mm-hmm. Learn about it. Mm-hmm. Talk to people, think about it, self-reflect, all those things. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I wanna talk a little bit about like the dark time. Mm. Because I feel that a lot of people who find this podcast are in the dark time. Yeah. And I, it sounds like you are on the other side of the dark time now. Mm. So I feel like it's a great time to ask you about like, what the dark time experience was for you and how, I know you, part of how you found your, you got yourself out of it by like, listening to these other things, which I think is such a great idea of like, yeah, don't listen to the artist, the actor, like listen to the business person. Yeah. What I mean, that makes a lot of sense. But yeah, if you could speak a little on that. Yeah. Uh, I'm sure I, you know, a lot of people. Would relate to the fact that I felt like a loser at times. Like when you are in the dark stuff, you feel like it, it just feels very hopeless at times. Yeah, yeah. Totally. I can't tell you like how often I had to work on the own language in my head of being like, I feel like a loser right now. Like, I feel like I, I, I don't know if I should be doing this. Like, am I a, am I a fool for like, following this path that I felt like I could do? And I think those are really hard things to have circulating in your brain. And uh, and I think it's very easy to just say, I don't wanna think that. Mm-hmm. So I'm just gonna, mm-hmm. Watch movies today, or I'm just gonna play video games. Mm-hmm. Or I'm gonna just do this other job that, you know, makes me money and not think about that. And there's nothing wrong with doing that at times. I don't wanna say, you shouldn't do that'cause you should take breaks. Yeah. It's important to take breaks, but I, I do like keep fighting. Mm. And not fighting in the sense that it's like I'm going a million miles a minute. I'm saying fight by choosing that. Those little things that you can change start by doing that. Like that, that one thing like I did, which was I'm gonna start watching videos of people's success stories. Mm-hmm. And you'd be shocked. I was shocked by like how they felt. It's literally what you guys do on this podcast. I was shocked by the, like a business story was, um. The, uh, creator of Spanx, she failed for years. She was a fax salesman for seven years, door to door selling faxes. Mm-hmm. Everyone thought her product was ridiculous. Everyone thought she would fail. She had doors slammed in her face. Like she was like, I don't know if I can do this Now. She's a multi-billion dollar company. Company. Yeah. It's like, so I started this one little ritual. Mm-hmm. So I would say, when you're in the dark times, it, something I had to do was be kind to myself. Mm-hmm. I knew those thoughts were happening, I couldn't avoid them. Mm-hmm. You can't avoid the thoughts, but you can say, well, what can I do to be kind with myself? It feels like these rituals, sorry to cut you off. No go. But it feels like these rituals, like genuinely were like, I don't wanna say bandaids, but they were like. Kind building blocks of like, okay, we're gonna help you.'cause I feel like it takes time to be kind to yourself. Right? It does. If you are in that deep, that's why it start small. You gotta start small. Yeah. And that's, that's so smart to like and trust that it's going to like build. Yeah, like start small. Start with when you drink your morning coffee. Like find something that like gives you kind of like, I don't know, some kind of light during that. Like for me that was a video, right? It wasn't work. It was still very relaxed. I was just watching someone's story. Right. And maybe if they're listening to this podcast, they're already here. You already started a ritual. Welcome. You did it. You did it. Was there like an instance that spiraled you downwards or it was just like a series of incidences? It's probably a million in instances. It's like I probably applied'cause I'm a producer as well. Yeah. So I applied to. Easily 200 jobs. Mm-hmm. Easily, like in the film industry. And you know, there I'm not talking about like little indie jobs'cause that's only word. Word of mouth. Yeah. But I was like, I, I'm being the point where I wanna start making some regular money. I don't wanna do freelance anymore.'cause it was freelance for years and freelance wasn't doing much at the time. Right. Like last year was a really slow year for a lot of people. Yeah. Um, but uh, yeah, when you apply to over 200 jobs and the only e reply you get back are Sorry. You were not chosen to even get, I didn't get a single interview. Oh my God. That is crazy to me. Just for the listeners to know, you have also a very great resume. Like you. Thank you. Worked hard. Like, like, so just so listeners understand the, like you've created so much of work and you've also been in great things. Like, I mean, I think I have a good resume for like freelance indie stuff. Yeah. Like I've worked with some, some good people and, and I definitely have a resume that's could, has potential to be very promising soon, um, that I can't talk about. But, but, um, yeah, I mean it just, it's hard not to get down with that. I mean, I'm sure as actors, like you feel that when, how many auditions can you do before you're like, can I do this anymore? Mm-hmm. Like, I haven't heard any, I haven't even gotten a call back. You know, like, it, it's, it's really hard to not feel that way. Yeah. Um, has being a producer kind of informed that side of things? Yeah. Like, do you helps take it less personally? A hundred percent. In fact, if anything, I was not even, I don't think I even cared about the acting side. I was like, oh, that's how that goes. Yeah. Really? Okay. It was the producer side.'cause that's the part I never struggled to find work with. Oh, okay. And I, I was like, oh my gosh, there's nothing, um. And, uh, that's where I had to like readjust as well. And, but the combo together was brutal. Yeah. To truly have nothing and to finally say, I'm not gonna be freelance anymore. I'm going for, I'm going corporate guys. Yeah. And to go. And, and it is particularly hard to go from freelance to corporate. Your resume doesn't reflect it. They're like, what are these little indie production companies? I don't recognize that name. Yeah, that's so funny.'cause to me it shows like, look at all this stuff you can do from scratch. And they're like, hello? They're like, looks like ai. They just. They don't recognize it. They don't. Mm-hmm. You know, and, and it's a killer of when you're like, man, I'm seeing these, these intern jobs I would do at this point, but I can't do it. I'm not in college. They, you know, like I, I was, I was willing to go for assistant jobs'cause there's so much growth being an assistant and working your way up in, in the film industry and couldn't even get an assistant job even though I was qualified to do any of these jobs. Mm-hmm. I had done it in some form or another, or another as a producer, but it didn't have all the things they were hoping that were easy to reflect. And it, you know, there's stuff that comes to learning with, like, you have to now restructure, restructure your resume for AI to go through and like pick out certain words. Like, so there's, there's a lot you have to learn along the way. Um, probably if I redid it now with some of the knowledge I have with like, okay. Terms that AI can do. Like now you can even ask like, okay, what, what verbiage is gonna be picked out to even gimme to the next round? Okay, I gotta make sure to put that verbiage in my resume. Like, I started doing that at one point and getting a few more replies, but still never got an interview. Um, and I had to just walk away. I'm like, I'm not applying to jobs anymore. I'm not doing it. I was like, it's time to start focusing on, I was already focusing on my projects, but I'm like, I'm focusing on it. Again. Mm-hmm. And I'm only gonna focus on them again. I was very lucky. I, you know, I have a husband that is able to support me in that way. Mm-hmm. But if he, if it wasn't, I would've gone back to doing, uh, like gig jobs again. Right. You would've seen me on Rover. Yeah. Who wants me to babysit the children? I like, no shame. I'll go back. Yeah. I don't care. Like money's money. Make your money. Like Yeah. Um, and then I would, I would do all the work around it just like I did in the beginning. Mm-hmm. You know, it's okay to go back to it. And, and I actually even considered it'cause I was like, man, at this point I just want work. Yeah. I just want the momentum that comes from work. Right. Um, I was thinking about doing cafe jobs again. I was like, you know what, just having, even though being a barista is rough business at times. Yeah. It could be. It could. I've been it before. I've, you know, I've been a server even though it could be really rough. Like there is something to the momentum of work. If you can get to the position where you can find some kind of, um. Schedule where you're like, okay, I work these days, I find momentum to have this day. Mm-hmm. And sometimes just let it be one day that you focus on the career you wanna build again. Yeah. And I think that is something too of being like everyone wants, they always feel like they're not doing enough. Even while I had all the time in the world, I didn't feel like I was doing enough. Mm-hmm. Even when I had no time, I felt, I never felt like I was doing enough. I think it's a feeling you're gonna have either way. Yeah. You can't avoid it. Interesting. So just, just do some stuff and you're gonna feel that way anyway, so don't worry about it. Like it's good of putting it actually. Yeah. Is there something that you learned from your producing stuff that you can share with us? And also the other actors. Yeah. What's a hot tip? Okay, so pr, the producing stuff, and some of you have probably already heard this, um. A lot of it comes down to ticket sales. You'd be shocked how many auditions that you go for that they're, they're trying to get some, a name in there. Because you, if you're gonna get investors in a film, right. You need to project, you need to have some sales projections. Mm-hmm. If you don't have a deal with a studio already, like you need some sales projections, um, and even a studio, they, they don't, they're gonna need a name in there as well. Mm-hmm. Because it's gonna get people looking. It's gonna be getting their money back. So half the time, you could be great. Eh, they're gonna be looking for a name. Mm-hmm. Um, I have a name. Name, but they're gonna, they're definitely, they're looking for a certain resume. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you've seen like the same 10 actors for the past however many years. And I get it.'cause it is, it is a business. Like I get it as a producer myself, where I'm just like, we will not get the money to make this film. Yeah. If we can't sell this film and we can't sell this film unless we have some recognizable people in it. Um, and granted that's the way it's always been. It's just on a, it's on a elevated level now. Mm-hmm. A thousand percent. Yeah. Um, because it's so saturated Yeah. At the moment. Which in some ways I think it's a great time for indie films. I'm like mm-hmm. It's, I think it's easier than ever to make an in, in indie film and find a platform for it. Tubi. You can get, you can get your indie film on Tuby guys like Yeah. You'd be shocked. Like how many people can get their no budget, no name indie film on some of these platforms that the world can watch it on and. Um, and not in a way that it's like Vimeo where it might get lost, right. If you're not a film person. Mm-hmm. But, um, yeah, like to the actors, I would just say there's so many moving parts. It's not that you can't act, it's that there's a lot of things going on. Like, you'd be shocked someone that you might want to cast that then doesn't match with someone that is like a bigger name, like recognition that it just is like a bad match. Mm-hmm. Like with the fact that all of those characters don't make sense together. Oh, she was great, but we need to have her. Or like a blend of certain characters, even if you're all not names of like, okay, oh, they're so good, but they don't blend in with like this, this group of people as well for like the, like they're, you know, sometimes it's like you're literally gonna outshine them and it's gonna be too obvious it's gonna take people to the film. Like, it is crazy the kind of stuff that could happen mm-hmm. Of like, wow, you were. They were so good. It's gonna make everyone, it's gonna make everyone realize the other actors were getting aren't as good. Yeah. And it's gonna take people out. Like it's, I mean, I've seen even top shows that sometimes they, they put an influencer in there and it takes me out of it.'cause that influencer can't act. Yeah. And even though the name got brought in, I'm like, wow, you're against all these real actors. Like, I can tell, and granted that happens on a smaller level. Yeah. And yeah. Yeah. Um, but I, I mean, I, I can't tell you how many things it is. I also can't tell you how often when you're filming, like you've gotten the job. Mm-hmm. You're on set, you've done great takes. You're like, why are we still doing takes? Mm-hmm. Like, am I doing a bad job? And you're like, you're like going for different ways to do the scene. You have no idea that the camera shook. We had to redo it again. Like, ah, the, the, um. You know, DP just needed to get it this way, Uhhuh, you know, and you're not hearing all the whispers happening behind, right. That have nothing to do with your acting. Right. We need that many takes'cause there's a million other jobs that didn't get what they wanted. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And it's, it's a lot of pressure on the actor. Like, it's the fact that you're like, I'm, I feel like this is all on me right now. Yeah. Like, I'm the one putting my face and voice in here and am I not giving enough? Am I not doing it right? Yeah. No. Half the time you're doing a great job, but we, there's like a lot movie. It just helped you as an actor. Absolutely. Yeah. Sure. Absolutely. Yeah. It's helped me also be like, it's fine.'cause when the part's yours, it's yours. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. When it's yours, like you can't mess it up, basically. Yeah. Like there's so many stories of like, I mean this isn't even my experience, but I've heard so many stories of people being like, that audition, I didn't even know my lines. Like I barely had it done. I was in some weird setting. And that's the job I booked. Because the reality is when it's yours, it's yours. It doesn't matter. Um, do you believe in like fate? Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. I don't think I believe it all the time. I honestly don't know sometimes. But I, there are moments that feel like fate to me that I was like, whoa, that freaky. Yeah. Um, for sure. For sure. And there are moments where I, I look at myself years ago, re remembering how I was like, why is it not happening now? Why is that? Why am I not getting this? I feel ready or Right. You know, all these emotions. And then I, here I am years later being like, oh, I see why I wasn't getting it. Yeah. Wow. I wasn't ready. Right. I, there were things, pieces I was missing. Mm-hmm. That's, I, it wasn't time yet. So in some ways it's fate. Some ways it's growth, it's a combination. I don't, I don't know. Mm-hmm. But. Yeah. I would say keep finding things. You just gotta keep finding things to give you momentum and inspiration and go to your friends, go to your community, have that whatever, you know, God, the universe love friend. I love my friends. That's Kristen's like catchphrase. Oh yeah. It's, I love my friends. Let's just say I love to get drunk and, and say out loud, I actually don't do it anymore.'cause I spent so many years, whenever I would drink, I'd have a moment where I'd be like, I love my friends. Uh,'cause I do, I have a great community of friends and uh, and to the point where it started, people started saying it at me before I could ever say it. But I actually don't ever say it anymore because I spent years of friends just being like, I love my friends. Before I could say it, like I literally have group chats of I love my friends so great. Where they like labeled it. So it's funny I don't say it anymore, but I, yeah, I was like known for it for years.'cause I love my friends. You do. I love that. Isn't that great? Um, so part of this is that we ask you what your current spiritual practices are. You have given us some, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. If there's any you would like to add to it. And then we take it and we try it for two weeks. Oh, interesting. Yes. And then we like report back. Yeah. I would do what we already talked about and again, adjust it for you. Mm-hmm. The manifesting before bed. Oh, before bed. Oh, okay. So, to me it's prayer. And it could be as simple as it could be a single thought of, thank you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Thank you. I love you, universe, God, world, whatever. Yes. Um, just, it could be long, it could be short. It could change every single night. I would, I would do it. See how it makes you feel. And it's okay if you don't fall asleep in that moment and you literally think about a million things after that. Just take a, a small moment, I would suggest as you Yeah, yeah. In a way it's, it's a ritual.'cause I thought you were gonna say ritual when you're like, oh, I thought we were gonna like, oh, are we doing ritual things? Things. Oh, okay. Yeah. Or just this idea of like. A ritual. I I, yes. But I think that it, it is in a sense. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I have heard that like whatever you think about right before you go to sleep mm-hmm. That like your brain kind of helps it find Yeah. Its own reality. Yeah. Um, okay. Well, this was lovely. Um, do you, is there anything that you would like to promote or, uh, et cetera? No, nothing I can talk about right now. That's exciting though. That makes me excited. Really. I could tell, I could hush hush off the camera, but, or off the mic, but I can't tell you right now. But, uh, yeah, they're just, I would just always say, continue to let yourself be surprised. And that's why I'd say stop listening to the same people you've been listening to. Stop trying to listen to the same artists that, I mean, don't get me wrong, don't stop listening to artists, but think outside the box. Start watching videos of people outside your career because you'd be, that's a really good point. And you'd be shocked the parallels that other careers have to our own. Yeah. We think the arts is so unique and in some ways it is, and in many ways it is not. Yeah. And seeing how other careers do, it will give you ideas you never thought of. It will change you. Mm. And. I, I love change. So I love growth. That's great. I love that. Well, this has been such a delight. Yeah. Thanks for having me. Thank you. It's wild to talk about spirituality for so long and be like, man, am I gonna be a silly girl? Am I gonna think I am silly? It's so funny too, because like, I don't remember when I found out you were religious, but I remember being like, because I, because I feel like, because, you know, we've known each other since college. I don't think we said that, but it shocks a lot of people. I'm not like, it shocked, shocked me in a weird way, but not, but also like when we talked, when we actually did talk about it, it's, it is, it makes sense. Like you, you hold it with such grace in it and with like, thank you. Yeah. I don't, yeah, well I think a lot of people like to hold it like an identity, and I think it's like anything that's innately in you, you don't have to. It's, you know, talk about a final Bible verse. There's little, a Bible verse that says like, you don't need to wave, don't be like the one waving their flag. Yeah. Like, you don't need to. And which is so funny'cause so many Catholics believe if I'm not talking about it all the time, I'm, I'm a bad follower. Reality is, if you're living it, it doesn't matter. You don't need to talk about it. Right. It's, it's like anything else of being human. If it's innately in you, you don't need to wave your flag. Like you'll find out I'm Catholic eventually, like we'll talk about it, but as long as I'm reflecting everything I am Catholic, like, or I believe in God, it's mm-hmm. You know, whatever. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. It shocks a lot of people. It's sometimes people don't know until like months, years in. Yeah. And it just comes up. Yeah. Uhhuh, it's so great. Well, this has Vince Spoa. Yes. Thank you for coming on. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Until next time. For the love. For the love of it. For the love of it. Ah, I'll get it next time.