Marissa Rutka (Actor, Film Maker, Figuring It Outer) and Standing Up To Speak

Welcome back Spodies!

In this episode your hosts Ari Hader and Olivia Spirz, discuss the joy of noticing the small things and being a kind human, and how important it is to extend help and opportunities to others. Olivia talks about her theater filled week and her new puzzle theory. And Ari talks about her love for film and tv and how lately she's been using her magic to manifest new artistic collaborations! 

We then bring on our wonderful guest Marissa Rutka, who is an actor, editor, film maker and self proclaimed figuring it outer! We discuss topics from going to Quaker meetings and astrology.  And of course her recent show, Peacock in the Rubble, which explores her OCD how how losing her home due to the tragic Eaton Fires effected it.  We also briefly praise Pixar movies! 

FOR THE LOVE OF IT!!!

Thanks for Listening! 

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Email us at spoda.contact@gmail.com

Beautiful music by: Doug Harvey 

Transcript

0:16

S. S. Spon. Spon. Spiritual Practices of the Disgruntled Artist. Wow. That was good. That was on the beat. You know what I mean? I guess the time I thought you were gonna go. Secret door. Secret door. It was all on it. It was all on it. Um, welcome back. Yes, welcome back. We are spiritual practices of the disgruntled artists, aka Spoa. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Each episode we have a new artist on and we talk about their spiritual history and their spiritual practices, and how they are getting through this incredibly challenging time to be an artist. Mm-hmm. And then we steal, steal it, steal one of their practices, and try it out for a week or two and report back. Mm-hmm. Um, our last guest. Guest, yeah. Our last guest, last g our last guest was Max Davis. Max. Max Davis. Yep. who stole that name? He stole that name. He stole that. He stole that name right out from Monday. He has daddy and nos. Uh, since practice was, yeah, go. Notice the small little things in life and like, be kind to go outta your way to be kind to people. Yeah. Be a good human, I guess. Yeah. Um, how'd that go for you? Good. You know, I'm gonna be honest. I don't think I like purposely had it like. Or other things were like, we watched a movie or did something. Mm. Yes. This was more of a mentality one. Right. Um, but I do, I think overall, like when he said that, I was like, I think I kind of already do. I think you do that too. So, yeah. Like it went well because that's how you live your life, girl. That's how I live my life. But I will say Kind of going back to Alex practice mm-hmm. Of like, eating your veggies is like, I've, been doing a lot of theatery things. Okay. Yeah. And this also kind of goes into Max's too, like the little things mm-hmm. Of like, I, last night saw a show, the Legend of Anne Bonnie, which is, I was in the, its original. Showing. Oh, really? Or one of the original, I think it's, she's been working on this, um, the writer and lead actor. She, she'd been writing on writing this for like 10 years. Wow. And is a, it's a beautiful pirate play. It's based off of like a pirate. Oh. And like, and it's her ancestor. Oh, cool. And she's redid it and they did a stage reading of it. Mm-hmm. And it was great. Seeing in its new rendition. Mm-hmm. And then I gotta see, uh, Mr. Harold. Yep. And the boys with Philip? Yep. Yes. At the Geffen. And, uh, prior to that I had auditioned for the Actors' Gang. Mm-hmm. Uh, for their training. And I got in and then Ghost Star Monday, baby, she got in the Actors Gang training. Such a big deal. So exciting. It was, it was such a incredible experience. I left the audition. Thinking that if I, even if I didn't get in, I'd audition for them again. Yeah. Just like really cool people and, uh, ensemble work. So I was feeling very theatery. Yes. And as we know, that's like, I'm, that's my new path right now is like getting back into theater in all the ways. In all the ways, not just on stage, but behind. Just like, I just want, that's where I want to live. Yes. And so I think. Like, I remember leaving and because I, I'm a, I'm also like a kind of a little bit of a hermit. Like I do kind of just like love just to be home and stuff like that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Super. So, so I was out a lot this week. Yeah. Which was big for me. Uhhuh and I left and I was like driving back home and it was late, but I, you know, was listening to music and I was like, this felt right. Yes. Oh, I love that. Like, you know what I mean? There was this moments of a reflection of like, yep. Yep. This is feeling good. Yes. I do wanna be driving back late 'cause I just saw a show because I just gotta see all these things. So yeah. In, in that way, the, like doing your veggies, like seeing, like being a part of it and also the little moments of like, oh, that felt good and, and recognizing them. Right, right. It was great. That's great. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Yeah. Some of these practices, when you're thinking of them, you're like, oh yeah, I do already do that. And then you'll like have a moment like, like I intentionally. when I'm having a good moment with kids mm-hmm. My kids, one or both. It's like I try to really soak that up. Mm-hmm. And I was like, yeah, I already do. Like I, I know that this is part of the practice thing that we're doing, but I also already do it. Right. So like Right, right. It just like fits like a glove. Yeah. I did kind of, although I just think I would've done this anyway. And I maybe even did talk to her about this before. Max's practice. So I dunno if it relates, but my high school kids that I teach mm-hmm. There's one who's a senior and we had a vulnerability circle because they were doing devised pieces, the two different groups, which is actually really interesting and great and like loved doing, devised work with young artists 'cause like their brains and just, it's really interesting. Yeah. And, one of the groups was like really connected and their work was going really well and the other group was not. So I was like, we have to. It's you, you really, we have to fix this because you're not gonna be able to like create a piece of art together if you Don't trust each other. So I asked everybody in the circle to say one thing that most people in the circle didn't know, you know? And I just was honest. I was like, the other group, they're really friends with each other and like, you guys, I don't know, but it doesn't quite seem like that. We just need to have some vulnerability here. Yeah. And I went too. Of course. I always try to do that with them. Yeah. That's really sweet. And this girl was just like. She, I could tell she's been like, kind of an outcast in the group and she just like immediately started crying. She was like, I'm a senior and like the theater director here, doesn't like me, like, has never put me in any sort of like lead role at all. And like for her, like their senior play that they're doing, she's an understudy, like she doesn't even have a part in it. Really,, and like she was like, my, my middle school teacher really believed in me and like gave me a lot of opportunities and now I feel like I don't even know if I should like minor in theater in college, which was like I was planning to do 'cause I don't even feel. And so anyway, the point is I see where she's getting that feedback from because like I see what other people are seeing. Yeah. In, in her. But like, I was like, okay, I'm gonna make it my mission to have her have like basically the lead part in this device play. Like even though they're creating it, I'm like curating it. So I kinda like. Funneled it into being like, you're having these like two amazing monologues in this thing because everybody deserves a chance. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And like, and, and I hope she steps up to the plate and like knocks it out the park for her own self. But even if like we can't control what other people are doing, but like, I think the more we can just give people opportunities like that to like surprise themselves and us, like the better off we are. Yeah. You know, it's so funny too, just like thinking about like. Oh, my theater teacher doesn't like, like me or something like that. I'm sorry, but they don't know. And, and it's, but you don't know, you know, like it's, you don't know that They don't know. Yes. You don't know that They don't know. And it's just like, well, that's the only, that's really kind of the only opportunity you have at the moment. Exactly. So, yeah. No. Ugh. So that's great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um, okay. I wanna talk more about the actors gang. Okay. Okay. The actual process was pretty simple. They said to come unprepared, you just come and you're just gonna show up. And. Do it. Yeah. So I was like, I I actually kind of like that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Me. So I was like, oh, yeah. Because then all the, all that I have to do is be present mm-hmm. And enjoy myself. Right. And that's all, you know. Yes. They did e emphasize like it's ensemble work. Mm-hmm. And that they can learn a lot, just how you kind of work within the group. I'm excited to be like, I, I do, I think this says a lot about me. I. Enjoy being new at something. Yes. 'cause then I have no expectations to be good at it. Yes, yes. It's hard when you start learning and then you have a certain expectation for yourself. Yeah. That is So, uh, I'll check back in. It's, it's eight classes. Right. And um, that makes sense. 'cause I feel like we've talked before about like, auditioning for someone, you know, versus somebody you don't. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 'cause it's like an expectation thing. And I also found, like recently I've been thinking about this, like acting wise of how for so long, like when I didn't get a role, I would kind of, my first thought I would be like, yeah, of course. Like I don't have enough experience or something. They're like, or like, yeah. 'cause I didn't like. I don't have as many. Yeah, right. You know, and then, and now it's like, oh, I'm so experienced. Like I don't have that excuse in my toolkit anymore. And like I miss that excuse some sometimes. So I do get to feel that feeling again. Yeah. Which will be fun. Oh, another thing that happened in the audition, uh, that made me feel really happy, uh, again, 'cause I kind of left being like, okay, like I think I did good, but. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, as I was leaving the bathroom, like leaving the audition mm-hmm. Woman comes up to me and goes, oh my God, I saw you as Beatrice and what you do, you were great. Oh my God. I disagree him. I was just like, oh my God. That's amazing. Yeah. So it felt like, oh my God, being recognized. And then, and then I left feeling pretty good. I was like, okay, well, despite that, look at that. We love that. So this is great, great things. Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited. Wins. I'm so happy for you. This is great. Thank you. Yes, thank you. It felt good. Yeah. I tell you this like very theatery week felt very, yeah. Uh. Fulfilling. Totally. And totally. It felt kind of like kind of how I felt in college, where that's all I was doing was like in the theater, right? And I was like, yeah. This is it. This is it for me. It's funny how, like, how you've leaned more into theater. I think I have realized, I mean, I think it really helps me to see how, um, passionate you are about theater. 'cause even though I like theater, I'm able to recognize it's not the same. And I'm also able to see how much like film and TV lights me up. Yeah. Which I think I knew, but I think I was trying to be like, like for the, just to continue that lato ball, um, metaphor, which will never go away of like. Sorry, I, sorry. Continuous, sorry. That was sort idea forget. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm like, more balls. More balls, right? Mm-hmm. So I think that's why even before I came up with the lotto ball thing, I was like, I should be like more invested in theater and wanting to perform theater and that's what I should be wanting to do because that adds another ball into my lotto system. But I think through like you kind of discovering, like theater is what, what is it for you? It's like. I like theater, but that's like not film and TV like that. Yeah. For whatever reason. Yeah. Like, I don't even know why like, I, it's like it is elusive to me. Why? You know, I mean, it's, but, but it's true. So that's just what lights you up. That's just, that's your thing. That's, yeah. Yeah. What were you gonna say? You had a, I came up with my own metaphor this week. Great. I love a metaphor. I love it. And, and this is like kind of still in construction, but Okay. I thought it was another visual that I was like, again, I'm not saying anything new, but I was like, oh, this kind of makes sense to me. It's like if you wanna think of life as like one big puzzle mm-hmm. And it's almost like this puzzle is, I mean, it's an enormous puzzle. It's our life. Right. Right. And that it's a big ass puzzle. It's a big, big ass puzzle. And we are given these pieces. Mm. Right. And we're trying to figure out where they fit in our lives. Like, I think all like life. Um, is, is like you're given these puzzle pieces, whether those are ideas or moments or opportunities. People like, they represent so many different things. Yeah. And sometimes you think you, you have a piece and you're like, oh, if it's here and then you go and it's like, oh, not quite. Mm, but it is gonna fit somewhere else, but maybe not exactly where you thought it was going to. Oh, interesting. Does that make you feel good or sad or both? I just, uh, maybe both, but not, not sad. Like it's just more of like, I don't know, at the same time when I, I think what it, I, I know it. No, I'm gonna say happy because, because we still have these pieces. Mm. So there's not like a hierarchy to you, I guess, is what I'm getting at. Like, because I, I feel like in this metaphor, it's like it was meant to fit somewhere. Mm-hmm. And you're trying to find the piece. When you said that to me, I thought, okay, if I thought that this piece say acting mm-hmm. Was going to be like front and center of my life mm-hmm. And it turns out that it's actually a far edge piece. Piece. Yeah. Like, I think that makes me feel a kind of way sad. Yeah. But do you But you But I think, I think you, you gotta step back and see the big picture. Right, right, right, right, right. Like the big puzzle total is like. And I think, I think the thing is though, I don't know if acting can be one piece necessarily. Right. Right, right. Like I think acting is a bunch of pieces in one section. Yeah. Right. And you know, I, I think especially something that's that big, that big, that's 'cause that is a big portion of our puzzle for us. Right, right, right. And we're start, we're still figuring out these pieces. Yeah, totally. Yeah. And I don't know, I was like, I think it helped more to be like, yeah, it's okay. We're figuring it out. Mm-hmm. Like. I still own this puzzle piece. Right, right. The puzzle piece is true and tangible and not going away. Intangible and not going away and like, yeah, I don't know, but I just thought about that and I was just like, I love that. Yeah. I think it makes total sense that like. You kind of have, uh, like realized and also opened the door to being like, my new day job is going to be in the theater. Mm-hmm. And like, just like leaning and then like all these theater opportunities have come to you, like, it seems like you've really opened a door to filling in like more of your puzzle. Yeah. Really? Yeah. That's how I feel's. Yeah. I love that. So. I'm sorry, I didn't make mean to make you, uh, the puzzle sad. No, no, no, no. Honestly, whatever you said, I probably would've. No, no, but it's good. I mean, I kind of, I've been trying, like, I've been like, just because of my mental state with this, I've been like, I'm gonna try to use my magic mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. To like manifest something totally different to see if it happens. I've been like. Leaning into music more. I mean, like maybe I can manifest somebody like wanting to collaborate on a song or like wanting to use my song in their project or something. Yeah. And that has felt good and different. Like that has felt not toxic, I think. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Versus like the talk, the toxic magicalness that I was focusing on of like manifesting the next thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. The next role. So yeah. I like the puzzle metaphor. Thanks. I, I think that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Yay. Yay. I'm glad I can't wait to hear all about it. The actors gang. I'm excited. I'm really excited. Yay. Yay. Well, we have a great episode for you. Oh yes. Really good episode. Yeah. Marissa. Marissa, really interesting. Very interesting person. Yeah, really just. Yeah, it was just great. I had a great time. Yeah. I feel this is gonna be a cozy, a nice, cozy episode. Yeah. It's kind of curl up with a little hot chocolate. I've been drinking that mushroom hot chocolate, I gotta tell you, I don't hate it. It's not bad. I've had, I've tried some, there's one, I tried that like a mushroom base and it was like, yeah, I haven't done the coffee. I don't think I can give up my real coffee, but hot chocolate. Yeah. And it, it was actually pretty good. So nice. Just gonna promote that. Yay. Yay. Okay, we love you. Bye. Bye. Hello? Hello. Hi, everyone. Uh, we have a wonderful guest today. This is such good vibe, such good energy. Yes. Oh, yes. Marissa Rka. Yes. Yes. Oh, a actor, filmmaker. Figuring it outer. Yes. I love that. Yeah, I love it too. Uh, we asked Marissa, like, how, how would she like to be introduced? She's like, figuring it out. And we're like, yes. So true. Aren't we all? Yeah, always just constantly lost. Really? Yeah. Is how I describe it. Um, we're so happy to have you here. Oh, I'm so happy to be here. Thanks for having me. Yeah. Um, so we notoriously start this with either pulling a card or taking three rests or both. You seem very excited about the pulling card. I have it. I'm so excited. I love, I just love the moment where it's like. This means something in my life. Mm. And now I'm just gonna ride this baby until I get sad again. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. So good. Do you, do you tend, 'cause I know you do a lot of tarot. Mm-hmm. Do you do tarot and oracle? I've never done Oracle before. Oh, really? Okay. Okay. We are doing Oracle now, so this will be a first. I'm excited. Do you always ask like a similar question when you do it for yourself? I do with tarot. I do either like, past, present, future. Okay. Or I'll ask like a question for each card. Oh. Um, but then that can get like very jumbled sometimes. Mm-hmm. Uh, but yeah, I think, or like often the thing that I'm always like cycling through and the like, figuring it out, lost thing is like, what do I wanna do with my life? Yeah. And then I'm like, acting, editing, filming, you know? Mm-hmm. And then it's like what car gets pulled for each? And then what does that mean? And Yeah. Yeah. And then it's all that fun, juicy stuff. Do you have an, like a tarot experience where you're like, oh, this really like lined up? Was there, there was one like. Before the pandemic, I pulled cards to like try to decide which agency to go with. Mm-hmm. And one of the agency, the card I pulled for the agency I did go with, um, which ultimately didn't end up working out, but uh, was the Wheel of Fortune card, which is very, like, this is full of possibilities. And, um, yeah. So I was just like, well, that sounds good. But I remember that feeling very special in the moment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I think the only other time, like I've had some, the, the one that sticks out for me one time is, uh, sometimes I'll like lay out three cards and I'll like assign a gem. Like I'll like hold the gem. And then pull a card. Mm-hmm. And then like, place them. And then I'll send it out. I'll send a picture to people and be like, pick a car, or based off of the gem. Mm-hmm. Um, and Oh, that's cool. There was one I had under an amethyst and under, and it was the Amethyst car. Oh. And I was like, oh wow. That's very, so I felt very witchy. Yes. And powerful. That's very cool. Um, okay, so for this one I think we'll just do is we'll have you cut the deck. Cut the deck with your left hand. Left hand, and then the card on top. Is your card this one? Yes. I got Lessons in blood. Ooh. What's the, what is the Almondine Garnet page 83. Oh, okay. Oh, I opened right to it. Ah, this is a, that, that's okay. That is crazy. This is a sign. What are the, what are the, that, that's wild. That's crazy. Wow. Okay. Alma Dean knows your storyline didn't, didn't start the day you came kicking and screaming into this world. No, it started so long ago that the stars have since shifted their course in the sky, in the dust of that day has hardened into stone. Your beginnings are carried in your blood, in the memory created by each DNA mutation and epigenic tag. I don't know what that means. blood is memory, not just for your own, but for those who came before. You can ride your own blood back to these distant knowings, but more than that, amadine will help you move and shift that memory, changing what gets carried forward. Sink into yourself, your pa, your past, past amadine whispers. I have a tail to tell. Ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did that speak to you? Yeah, it made me think of a few things. Um, one, it makes me think of my birth chart. Mm-hmm. Yes. Uh, because, uh, my moon is in Sagittarius in the fourth house, which is all about Roots Foundation family. Ooh. And so I think, like thinking about Ancestry, um, you. Where I come from is very important to me. And, um, I particularly think about my mom's dad, um, who's from Japan, Nagasaki, and of Samurai descent. and like his story is always really important to me. And sort of when I think about like, if I'm really struggling, I'll like remember him and being like, he's been through so much and like, we have, we're dis descended from warriors, you know, so, yeah. Um, yeah. And I, I definitely like one day wanna tell his story 'cause I think it's actually pretty amazing. Wow. Um, so not quite sure like what format yet, but mm-hmm. I do like, yeah, family's really important to me, my family history and also just like Olivia knows, but I'm, I'm such a nostalgia. Queen when it comes to like my artistry and I love incorporating home videos. Oh yes. Really? Into my work and so That's amazing. Yeah. Looking back on the past and like where you've come from and where you are now, like that gap and trying to connect them is always like very meaningful. Yeah. So I think that does guide me quite a bit. So I think this is very fitting. Yeah. Also, speaking of it, I do want to mention Peacock in the Rubble. Ah, because you wrote Yes. And Starred in a woman show this last pass Fringe called Peacock in the Rubble, which you used a lot of old childhood, uh, videos and it really was incredible. Oh my gosh. Wow. Yeah. You're still. Performing it. Right. I had my last performance about a month ago. Okay. Um, I think I have some ideas for what I'd like to do with it next. Um, but yeah, it was definitely something born out of necessity. I, I had lost my home in the Eaton fire, um, but had like signed up to do a fringe show, so I was like, you know what, let's just write the show about that. And Really. So you signed up for, to do a one-woman show before that happened? Yes. Okay. But, but you didn't know what that one woman show was gonna be? I knew it was going to be about, um, so I have OCD. Mm-hmm. So I knew it was gonna be around OCD. Okay. Um, because my experience of it is very different than what I grew up. And I think what most of us grew up learning about OCD mm-hmm. About like flicking the light switch on and off mm-hmm. Or like, you know, checking the ovens off. So it, my experience of it has not been that at all. My compulsions are not physical really. They're all mental. and so, and, and it, it affects areas of life that I just didn't even think OCD would touch. Mm-hmm. like sexuality. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh, relationships. Like, it's, it's really, it's a, it's a very consuming thing that once I was diagnosed I was like, oh, this makes so much sense. Mm. And then I just wanted to write about the experience of like, looking back on my life and seeing how it's affected it, and then where I'm at now, again, bridging the, like, past to now. Yeah. Um, anyway, so I knew it was gonna be about OCD and then the fires happened. and then it just felt very like, well I feel like this is so relevant to where I am right now. Yeah. And also with OCD I've noticed, like it's actually decreased. Like in the immediate aftermath, it was very like, oh, my OCD is really quiet. Mm. And so I just felt like there's something interesting here. And I realized really it's like the community around me and all the love and support and getting to focus on that in such terrible circumstances that really matters. Mm. so, but yeah, so I, I didn't start writing the show until like end of March. Oh my God. Um, and, uh, and then performed it in June. Yeah. So, wow. Okay. Wait, I already have so many questions. So for you, for the thought, the OCD thought version mm-hmm. Is it like repetitive thoughts? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So I'll, I'll the first, my first exposure to it. Um, was when I was a kid. Mm-hmm. I guess the first symptoms came up when I was like 10, 10 to 13. and I developed what's called sexual orientation, OCD. Mm-hmm. And that's when you're really just terrified of never knowing your sexuality or like, and you feel like, am I lying all the time? Mm. Or like, am I really attracted to this person? Maybe I'm actually attracted to this person, uh, or this gender or whatever. Yeah. And, um, so I would loop words in my head. Mm. And that would, uh, the words were gay, straight guys, bisexual guys, gay, straight guys, bisexual guys, gay. And that was on all the time. Oh, wow. And so, like if I were talking to you guys, it would just be like, and, um, but it, you know, led to all kinds of other, compulsions, but all mental fixations. But I do repeat things a lot in my head. Mm-hmm. and whether that's words, whether those are just like. Thought patterns. Mm-hmm. I learned recently from my therapist, self-criticism is a compulsion and she's a good friend of mine. I'm like, oh, that's what that is. Okay, cool. Yeah. but yeah, so that's what I wanted to explain the show. Yeah. It's like there's a whole world of OCD that's, yeah. And I feel like unknown the privilege of seeing it. I mean, I, it was, it was very educational. 'cause I had no, I had no clue that it, like you said, I think we all kind of grew up with this very small understanding of what OCD is or a certain portion of it. And yeah, it was great. Thank you. It was really so good. Oh, thanks. Thank, I wish I got to see it. I laughed again. Laughed. I cried. I bawled. Yeah. Yes. I think I talked to you after you saw it. Yeah. Yeah. And she was like, we have to have Marissa. Great. Yes. Yep. I'm so glad. Yay. Was that your first one woman show that you've done? Mm-hmm. Oh wow. Yeah. What was that experience like? Like just being like, it's just gonna be me and that's it. I kind of loved it. Heck yeah. I think I, I always tell my husband, I actually feel very, uh, like the analogy I give is I'm not a team sports person. Like, I just get so lost in the chaos. Like if I'm in a soccer match, I'm thinking about back in school, like when I'm, yeah. So this is really my own experience point. But, uh, like I would just be like, I don't know who's responsible for what. The ball is everywhere. Like, I have a job, but what is it really? When everyone's like, you know? So I just get very lost in the chaos of like a lot of people. Mm-hmm. But with the solo show, I feel like I love tennis. Mm. So I love being alone and responsible for like the thing. Yes. Yeah. Um, so I really do. But I also, you know, had a team. I had a director, I had a producer course and like, they were wonderful, but I think I just loved writing the show. Like digging deep into the archives of myself and then trying to like express that. And then I really love being in front of an audience, telling my story. So I, it felt kind of like the best version of, I think ultimately what I would like to do as a storyteller. Mm. Um, yeah. Where I'm just sort of sharing my privacy with everybody. Yeah. And, um, which normally in life I'm not really great at that. Mm-hmm. Like, I'm so afraid to be like, here's who I am at this party. Uh, but on stage I'm like, listen all my trouble. Yeah. Spotlight. Yeah. Spotlight. Um, so, okay. So, uh, do you feel like it's easier for you to tell like, your true story than it is through the lens of other people's words? Or like, was that a challenge? Oh, I'm so glad you asked that question. Uh, yes, I do prefer that, I think. Mm-hmm. I think, um, mm-hmm. Because I feel like when I'm acting, sometimes I get really like, there's a right way to do this scene. Yeah. And which is not true at all. Right. But I think the perfectionist in me is like, everyone else is gonna see my phony attempt at whatever this character is. But with myself, I'm like, well, I know this is true, so I don't have to worry about that. Yeah. Um, and I think it is, especially writing the show, it was, it was just a moment where I was like, oh, I see my voice here and I actually like it. Like, I think I have something to say. I think I like the heart. I feel from it, it felt resonant and, and I, I don't know. I think I find a lot of. Beauty and connecting with people through sharing my experiences. Mm-hmm. Um, because again, like in life, I'm actually pretty scared to, 'cause I'm like, well, who, who's gonna wanna listen to me? Yeah. Yeah. Um, but it is nice to be like, no, here I am. Yeah. And, and the beautiful thing about the show is like, people come up to me afterwards and whether they have OCD or not, we're like, oh my God, I feel the same way. Or like, know people who struggle with the same things. And I think that was surprising to me with just like the reception and being like, oh, right. If we just like open ourselves up mm-hmm. And other people are open to receiving that. Like, we actually have also, we have so much more in common than we think. Absolutely. Yeah. That's so great. That's so brave. Oh, seriously. It's so funny 'cause it's like, I think I also struggle, I imagine a lot of us struggle with this thing of like, well, who wants to hear my story? Mm-hmm. Do I even have a story? And to find it and really. Feel it and, ugh, that's it. Is, it's brave and special. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you happen to see Dragon Mama? No. I want to, uh, sorry, that was my demon sign. Yeah, it was great. I've, I still haven't seen it. Yeah. You, well, it's closed now, but, oh, is it? But yeah. Oh. But she's gonna come back with Dragon Baby, but, so my husband is the, like, lead carpenter at the Geffen Playhouse. Oh, wow. So we see, I, I used to work there before we had kids, and it is a great, like, community, you know? Yeah. They're just really like, very supportive family kind of structure there. But yeah. That one woman show because, and it's about her life. Yeah. And it's like, the first iteration follows like her grandmother's story, the one that I saw follows her mother's story. And then the, the final and the trilogy will be like her story, and she plays like her family members. And I was like, this is just so powerful. and it was like, in its simplicity, it was so powerful. Mm-hmm. And I was like, oh yes. I see. Like, yeah. Yeah. Like, I think like there's a world in which maybe I one day do a one woman job. Like after kind of seeing that being like, okay. You know, because I think theater can sometimes get so like the turntable and the rain and the spectacle of all where the spectacle and her, it was so quiet. She chose the, they, you know, they have like a big theater and a small theater. She chose to do it in the small theater because it was like so intimate. Like she like barely raised her voice above that. Like, it was so, and I was like, okay. That, I think that's, there's like something really like beautiful and like both old and new about a one woman show, like at the same time. Like ancient. Yeah. And also brand new somehow. Yeah. Oh, that's very cool. I hope I get to see your show. My show. Yeah. Oh, well if it's up again, I'll certainly know. Yes I do. Yeah. You think you'll do another, like a second iteration of it? I think I would like to, there's always the talk with like fringe shows of like, are you gonna go to Edinburgh? Mm. Yes. And, uh. I mean, that'd be great. Yeah. Be sure uh, if I had 15 to $20,000 to Right. Yeah. I know, I see your face. Yeah. Because if you're there for a month, it's like living costs. Yeah. And you have to pay for the venue and Right. To take it. Marketing and, you know, it's all these things. Right. so, but yeah, so I, but I, I, I think I want to figure out like where I can showcase this mm-hmm. Locally first. 'cause I think I was just like, all I know is the fringe. 'cause I'm really not a theater person. Like, I'm not, I'm not aware of what's around. Mm-hmm. And in LA I'm especially just like Hollywood, you know? I dunno, but I just, you know what I mean? Yeah. Um, so yeah, I think I just wanna like, push myself to be like, okay, what other chances are there, here first, before being like, and I also feel like with Bert, and maybe this is myself, just talking myself out of it, but I'm like, I feel like you really need to, if you're gonna go internationally. Or at least I'll speak for myself. If I go internationally, I really wanna be like, this is something that I want to, produce in a bigger way. Mm. Like maybe make a series out of it or something. Like, I, I think that would be why I'd go. Mm-hmm. Versus just like, I just have a show. I'm not sure to, to spend that much money. Right. This is something I think is really beautiful, but, um, I feel like there are other ways to share it with other, with people. Yeah. I think it would be great in all over the world, but I do think there's something about like, because it is so, you know, the Eden Fire is local. I think there's something about it being told here too, that is people can relate on multiple levels Yeah. Of it. Yeah. And I think that was what was really nice. Doing the show when I did like so soon after the fires was like, I mean, even if you didn't lose your home, you know, like I think we'd all, everyone in LA experienced that terrible, awful week and month and you know, the, yeah. And people are still experiencing it. But yeah, I think to then have a reminder and a catharsis for like, right, we all went through this, this was all devastating. But also the beautiful thing was LA really fucking showed up Oh yeah. For each other. And I think that's part of, with my show, like I'm getting goosebumps right now. Yeah, yeah. But like, really just thinking about everyone who helped us and strangers even. you know, we, my husband and I, we were, um. You know, friends let us, we, we stayed with friends for like the first week. and then people from my acting studio who I didn't know very well, were like, we're gonna find you a place to stay for a month for free. and they hooked us up with their friends who were out of town. Wow. Amazing people. and they let us stay at their apartment just 'cause they're like, we wanna help you guys. So, so we just, it was just like very moving. Everything that happened and people giving us meals and clothes and, and just, and people who were like, I have a friend of a friend who really wants to help. And it was, it was, it shows you like the greatest of humanity and it's a nice reminder when also all the crazy shit is happening in the world right now that like, really the best of us is all. It's really beautiful. It's really beautiful. Oh. Yeah. And the community is so much bigger than we even realized too. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It's an incredible story. Well, if it come, comes back. Yeah. Everyone go see it. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Well, so we also, we start, uh, just come from childhood from mm-hmm. The very beginning. Did you grow up? Like what's your spiritual history? Like, did you grow up in a religious family? What's, what's that about? Uh, so we were pretty agnostic, I'd say, growing up. Um, but I will say, uh, yeah, so we didn't go to church or we didn't go to like, one of the big churches. growing up my, so we, we, I wouldn't say we were very religious, but there was like a year or two where, And not to say like religion is the only spirituality, but, um, right. Or spiritual path. But my mom actually, uh, 'cause apparently my sister had all these questions about God. Mm-hmm. Okay. And my mom didn't wanna like force any one religion down her throat or anything, so she was like, well, why don't we go to different churches and see what you like. Oh, that's so cool. Um, so like app, and I don't remember this, but she took us to like a synagogue. She took us to a Catholic church, a, you know. Right. Yeah. And, but where we landed was, uh, in Quaker meeting. Oh, wow. And we would go to Quaker meetings, um, for a couple years. Wow. And I think I might have been around six or seven when that happened. Okay. But I do remember really finding a lot of peace at meetings because basically, from what I remember, it's just. People coming together to sit in a room in silence. Yes, I've heard of this before. Silence. It's beautiful. In silence. In silence. Okay. I guess I don't really know much about Quakers. Like I know I hear, I'm like, yes, Uhhuh a Quaker. And honestly, I don't either. Okay. Okay. Um, but it's, you sit in a room in silence. It's like a room that's filled with a lot of light to like let in the light of God. Mm-hmm. But they're not about like, forcing you to believe one thing or another. They're just there to like be the best humans that they can be and be in community with each other. And so you sit in silence, it's very peaceful. And then if you feel moved to speak, you stand up and share like a story or a thought that you had on your mind or like whatever it is. But I just remember like every time someone spoke, it was so thoughtful and full of meaning. And I didn't always understand like. Why it resonated, but I was just like, oh, this feels applicable to me too. Yeah. And I think even at such a young age too. Yeah. Yeah. And I, I remember being really affected by that. And so I think that's sort of, I would kind of count that as like, the basis of how I feel about like my artistry and like, there's a lot of stillness and silence I have in my like path. Mm. Um, also a lot of like restlessness inside as well. Yeah, a hundred percent. But I also feel like when I stand up, it's like, I really feel moved to do this thing. Mm. Wow. Interesting. That's really interesting. But yeah, it was really, it was really moving. I remember even as a kid that was, yeah. Very powerful. So you did that for a couple years and then you guys like fell off of it or? Yeah, I think, uh, we fell off of it for some like family stuff. Uh, with my sister. Um, she. Had anorexia and then that sort of changed the dynamic of the family and then, you know, uh, then life kept happening. Yeah. Yeah. So, but I do, I did actually, um, I moved, so I'm from Toronto originally. Mm-hmm. and then I lived in New York for about 10 years and moved back to Toronto right before the pandemic. But I went to the Quaker. House again. Really? And I was just like, and I went there on like, I dunno, a weekday. So no one was really there except one person. and I remember I stepped into the room where meeting is held and I just bawled. 'cause I was like, I love it. You're so much. And I was like, I just feel so connected to everything. Oh my gosh. I mean, this sounds pretty magical as you were describing. I'm like magical. Why I wanna go to a queer. I know. That's what I was just, am I a Quaker? Yeah. Would you explore it here, like in your life in Los Angeles or it feels distinctly Toronto. Like, I think it feels distinct to that period of my life. Yeah. How would you describe your spirituality now? Spiritu now? Oh, really easy question to ask. Just quick. Yeah, yeah. Real quick. Well, it is definitely, I wouldn't say like I'm religious mm-hmm. In any way. So certain doesn't revolve around that. I feel like spiritually, if I don't, like overthink my life or things or moments. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Like just being connected to humans, honestly, and finding power in community. Mm-hmm. Um, and also magic and art, like I feel like, and that, that's what I'm obsessed about. Uh, and my OCD often revolves around, so sometimes it can like get really fraught magic and art that, that part of it. Yeah. And then just like being afraid to create because I love it so much. Oh, yes. Um, and the thing with OCD is like, it OCD attacks what you love most. Really, which makes you afraid of what you love most. Oh my God, that sounds horrible. It's so with art, with my marriage, with, uh, friendships, with, um, what's another one? Well, what's another one? I mean, you encompassed three. Pretty, pretty big significant, yeah. So with my like artistry and spirituality there, like when I'm able to break through the OCD and then be connected to the resonance of creation, the resonance of sharing and connecting or even watching someone else's like art or performance or, I think that. Is what makes me feel alive. Mm. And that is what I like, want to fall into more. Yeah. Um, because we all get so distracted these days. Yeah. With everything else. 'cause life is busy and, you know, terrible things are happening. And then you also have to like live and feed yourself and kids if you have kids. Mm-hmm. You know, like I, so I just, I understand it's not always possible, but that's the thing I always like, aim to feel when I'm creating something is like, just that, even if it's like a small little seed mm-hmm. You know, if like, you're like, oh, I feel like this could bloom into something. Right. And just like living there and seeing what it is. Um, yeah. Which I find a lot with writing. I find a lot with performing. Drawing. I love drawing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Little stick figures, but still the stick figures bloom. Lemme tell you. So when you, like, when you're having these thoughts, just to jump back uhhuh to this, 'cause I find, find it really interesting. Is it like, if you hear of a word, you're like, oh, that's gonna be stuck in my head. Like, do you have an immediate, does that make sense? Like if you hear like blue flower, it just strikes you as like, and then it's gonna loop or you just, you're surprised by what winds up looping. Oh, the loops. No, I think it's, um, there are definitely triggers. Mm-hmm. I would say the triggers can either be situational, or they can also be like intrusive thoughts mm-hmm. That I have. Mm-hmm. I just started working with a new therapist and a new, modality for OCD. Okay. Um, and we're learning about core fears. Okay. Okay. And so a lot of my intrusive thoughts revolve around being afraid of being a failure. Mm. Oh girl. I know. That was my big one. That was my big, that like one of the, the TBM thing, I be like, we talk about it every time. What is TBM? This is the two B magnetic world. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And they have like, one of the first things they have you do is like find one of like your core blocks and work on unblocking. And that was mine, that failure thing. But what was amazing about it was like, for me, I was able to find them the moment, which was like in my adult life, which I think it's easier than if it's like a, something from childhood. There's so much like to sort through. Yeah. But it was like a moment in my adult life and I was able to kind of like, through the meditations, go back to that moment and kind of like rewrite the story. And I felt That's great. It really worked. Like it really like took that. At least a huge chunk of that, like out of it for me. But yeah. Really on the failure. Yeah. No. Well that's wonderful. I'm so glad that you were able to like, 'cause that's really difficult to isolate the moment itself because it becomes a part of everything at some point and you're just like, well, it's just everywhere. And it's, it's part of the narrative. You don't even like isolate it. Yeah. And some of those moments, like that moment, it was like when I was on the phone with my mom is like, what it was. And like I I, when that moment was happening, I was not aware I am, it wasn't, there was nothing dramatic about it. You know what I mean? Like where I was like, I'm experiencing like somebody that is a core that would be core wound. That's interesting though, because like a lot of people would think that, like, that would, that trauma would come from something traumatic, right? Like Yeah. Which it totally can, of course. But like it's still like these things. You don't even realize that's what's so terrifying about being a mother, because like, how do you get away? Like even if you don't do any of the big mess up, like you're gonna do a small mess up. Yeah. Anyway, so you're identifying the core, the core fear. Yeah. So identifying the core fear. yeah, so triggers would be like, so I'll just, I'll stick with like the feeling lost about my career, like what to do and, you know, especially with like all these expectations of like, oh, now I'm 35, I haven't made it. What does that mean? Oo. Um, and so basically the loops I have in my head are not being able to like, pinpoint exactly what it is I want to do. Mm. I'm very obsessed with the outcome of success, but not like, what actually am I excited to do in this moment? Mm. Like doing a podcast with two really awesome, cool people. But I get really stuck on this. Like, I must pick one thing. And that one thing must feel perfect. Mm. But then when it doesn't, then I'm like, well then I obviously can't do it, but then nothing is going to feel perfect. Right? Right. So I just, but I stay there and I just keep waiting. And a compulsion I have is making lists and I keep making lists of like, I wanna do this, this, this, and this and this. And then I get sad and then I list again like, oh, this, this, this is this. And if I don't list things out, I'm afraid I'll never do these things. Mm-hmm. But I never do these things because I'm stuck in like making lists and compulsing with the loops. And so I'm trying to get better at just being like, just go out like, or try and get better at like one, you don't have to be productive all the time. Right. You can lead a nice life and have rest. Right. And enjoy yourself. and two, I'm trying to just be like, okay, say like, just do a thing and deal with it, then don't worry about it. Mm-hmm. Beforehand. Mm-hmm. Because I'm someone who definitely. Can get stuck in like the anticipation or like the fantasy of an event. Mm-hmm. But never have to deal with the event because I'm like, well, if I figure out the fantasy first, then I'll be fine. But then Yeah, because you've worked it out. Yeah. But then the event never happens. Right, right. You know? So are these lists like big, big things, like, I wanna be a series regular, I wanna write my own TV show? Or are, or is it also, I wish they were that specific. Oh, I wish they were even that specific. That's the thing. It's just like, I just do the same thing over. It's like editing, acting, writing. Mm-hmm. And then I have, like, I, I do have some specific ideas that never come to fruition of like, um, currently right now I actually wanna submit to this American life with, a peacock in the rubble actually. Yes. Um, great podcast. And so that's something on my list. Yeah. But I feel like it. I have like 15 things at all times. Mm. Yes. And then I see the 15 things and I get very overwhelmed. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm like, well, they all sound great. What do I do? And then I go back to like, okay, let's prioritize right out all the 15 things again. Right. So I get stuck in like the, the putting together all the Lego pieces and trying to find the best way to build the building. Right. But then keep tearing down the building and starting again is kind of how I would describe it. It's so interesting because you, like, you made a whole one woman show, but do you feel like something that troubleshooted, it was like the fires kind of hit the reset on like on this part of you and you were just able to create, you know, I think it was actually. I do think that's, there's a lot of truth in that and I think that is definitely part of the experience I had. I think I was going to do it no matter what, right? Mm-hmm. Because even that's what's interesting. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, please. No, no, that's it. Oh, no, please tell me how I'm interested. Uh, no, but like, yeah. Did you actually go, do one? Don't wanna talk about it when you were like, I'm gonna do one woman show, uh, and you submitted mm-hmm. What was that like? What drove you to do that? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, because that's, that's terrifying to me. I, I can't imagine being like now 'cause now because now you are like, for forcing yourself to do it. Yeah. So I had done, um, so I, I met an I in an acting class mm-hmm. Uh, with a studio that I love and, my teacher's very encouraging of creating your own work. Mm-hmm. Um, and we do an exercise in class called a personal monologue. And basically that can either be like, you write a story about your life or you can even write like a fictional monologue, but have it relate to your experience somehow. Okay. but what I had done was I wanted to show what the experience of OCD felt like. and so I wanted to show two sides of myself, the sort of loops that I had, like I wanted to express what the loops are. Mm-hmm. And then I also wanted to like sing on top of that. 'cause I was like, here's the negative side with the loops. But the singing and playing ukulele is like the joyful, whimsical side. I play ukulele. Yeah. It's so great, isn't it? It's such a happy instrument. but I wanted to have those two things going at the same time to be like, this is how I exist. Mm-hmm. So I do have this negativity, but I also have this joyfulness. And how do they duet with each other? Yeah. Ugh. Um, but then I, I tried recording, what my loops sound like, uhhuh, like I, and I remember like, I went into the closet to like record on my phone and be like, this is the best sound possible. And uh, and it just sounded so angsty. Mm. Like, I sounded like I was 13 being like, why doesn't anyone like me? And, um, I'll never figure out my life, you know, which is not teenager angst. It's everyone's angst. but I just was like, I don't like this. Mm. And then I ended up. Listening through. I'm also like a psychopath and I do audio diaries on my phone all the time. Oh, okay. Especially when I'm like in crisis. I'm like, I don't understand why life is so difficult right now and if we all really do, you know? And, uh, but I found one that I'd recorded during the pandemic, an audio diary, which is what I ended up using the show. In the show. Yeah. But it's this, it's me doing a meditation exercise. Mm. Offering loving kindness to myself. so I had recorded the first exercise is to record like what you're afraid of. And at the time I was like, and I didn't know was OCD at the time. I was like, I don't know my sexuality. Yeah. that was just a big one. And, and then I listened back to that recording and then I'd have to offer love and loving kindness to myself. but then I rediscovered that recording and it was so lovely and I had like really nice things to say about myself, which is not. Common. Yeah. Um, and I was like, well, what if I just played this with the song instead? Yeah. and it was just as powerful because I actually, what I felt listening to the recording and then singing was like just how sad I felt that, like, I was so mean to myself all the time, you know? So I do this personal monologue experimentation thing in class. Everyone's like, whoa, that was really beautiful. and someone said, this should be a fringe show. Um, and I was like, oh. And then the minute I think for me it's like the minute I know I wanna do something, I am all in. Yes. So I think like, as opposed to all what I, what I was talking about before with like the lists, and more often than not, like 98% of the time being stuck in my loops. Mm-hmm. When I get that 2%, that's like, we are all in baby. Right? Then I'm like, well, nothing's gonna stop me. So. I, you know, to go back to like, did the fires help, I think for sure. Mm-hmm. And I think, I do think it made the story. I mean, I'm not gonna say better, but I, I, I mean, I just, I was writing from what I knew, I don't know how I would've handled if the fires hadn't happened, what the show would've been. Maybe I would've, whatever, or maybe I would've succeeded as hell. Yeah. But I do think the initial thing was just like, I know I have something that resonates. I know I'm really interested in sharing what OCD is like, and I've always wanted to do a woman show, so maybe we just take that leap off and it just, yeah. It makes a lot of sense. What you were saying before of like, when you have something to say you stand up. Mm-hmm. Like, it feels like that's your, like, you know, like the rest of it. But I also understand like, 'cause I feel this way with my career of like. But like, what do you do when it's not the time to stand up and you still wanna create, you know what I mean? Oh yeah. Like, I don't think I, I, I get stuck in my own, like not, you know, like my own version of that. I think of like, I wanna be, I wanna be like making the best art all the time, but like, if I'm not given the opportunity, then like, I feel really angry and frustrated at that. Oh my God. Yeah. Though, like, maybe it's just not the time to stand up, you know what I mean? Like, maybe that's just like you filling the 98% Yeah. Of the loops though. I'm sure it's really frustrating. That's really, that was really painful. I got goosebumps again. Yeah. I was like, oh, I really love that. Yeah. I, I struggle with that all the time too. Yeah. And you know, I, I wish I had like, I wanna be like, I wish I had a good answer. And I think part of what I'm trying to get better at, because you know, the things, the thing that I also do love about astrology and tarot cards and like everything. Oh yes. Oh, I do wanna get into that about astrology too. But it is this thing of like, here are answers for you. Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. And I also think about. You know, self-help books or even with social media, all these posts like just love yourself. Mm-hmm. And here are the five things to remember. Affirmation. Like I think these are all wonderful things. I really, really do. But I also feel like we need to find the answer within our ourself. Yeah. And to learn how to be comfortable or not comfortable, but to embrace the discomfort of the 98%. Yeah. Right. And not judge it so harshly. Yeah. Which easier said than done, especially when we are bombarded with messages of like, you must be productive all the time to be a successful human. You must have success in these ways and like, so that's really difficult to fight against and to live in. But I do think I'm trying to get better at like. Living. Just trying to embrace it. Yeah. And not fight it so much. Mm-hmm. Because I think that's really, that's what wears me down too. Yes. That's what wears me down too, is this thing of like fighting myself all the time. Yeah. And being like, I want to be this kind of person, but then instead of just being like, maybe I'm okay as I am. Yeah. So difficult to, oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like trust. Right. It's like when I'm not trust. Yeah. Yeah. When I'm not doing the 2%, I feel like, should I quit? Is this ever gonna happen? I feel like those are my, yeah. Like battles, you know, because it's so hard to trust that like the 2% will come around again. Like there will be another though, like I know intellectually there will all, if you just stay as an actor or artist or whatever, like you will get work eventually. Yeah. Because like you just ha will have to like, even if you're 95, like they just, there's, if you, it's limitless. Yeah. It's gonna happen. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. It's gonna happen. And I'll also say like, I think even doing things like this, like I think this is so beautiful what you guys are doing. And like I am, you know. I'm feeling like so connected with you at this moment. And I think we're really talking about deep, beautiful, personal things. And I feel like, did you guys see Song Song Blue by any? No. Not the K Hudson. K Hudson one. No, I did not see it. I just watched it like two nights ago. So I am all about it in this moment. Really? I feel like it didn't get any press or like I remember seeing it by then. Yeah. It just like happened and then people were like, oh, she's nominated for an Oscar. but it's so good. Mm. And I feel like it's a great story and it's based on a true story. Mm-hmm. And it's just like these two people in Milwaukee who just love making music. Mm. And they do this Neil Diamond cover band and they just, and it is just like them enjoying what they're doing. Yeah. And being authentic to who they are. And like if you just focus on that Yes. Then success, not success in a way that you won't expect mm-hmm. Will follow. And it doesn't have to look like. These big things. Right. Right. It can be just the fact that you're making it and made 10 people happy with what you did. Right. Yeah. 'cause it, it's art, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I'm, I'm feeling very inspired by that movie at the moment. I highly recommend it. Oh, Ken Hudson is beautiful and wonderful and sings like a goddess. I had no idea. That's true. That's so funny. And what's his name? Uh, Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman. Oh, I'll have to watch him. I love, I love me myself, Hugh Jackman. I love his musical, like how he does loves musicals and that's all he does now. I know I can't because I don't think he's like the best singer, but I don't care. No, he's, he's, I love, he loves it. And that's the other thing I feel like. Um, not that I'm an improv person, but I do remember from improv classes that they're like, as long as you love it, we're gonna love it. Yeah. And I feel like that, that, that's true. It's like people's joy. True joy is infectious. Mm-hmm. Right, right, right. Well, I feel so inspired. I know. I feel so, um, okay. So yeah, let, let's jump to the astrology part. Like, how did you find it? How did it, or did it find you? Did you always like astrology? I think I always liked astrology. I don't think I, when did I get super into it? I feel like, I mean, I've definitely always loved reading like horoscopes. Mm-hmm. Or reading about, so I'm an Aquarius. Mm-hmm. Sun. Yay. Um, but so, so before I got into like my birth chart, I just knew like sun signs and really, I used it for compatibility reasons. I was like, that's so funny. Like thing that people, I like with Kevin. Kevin is a Leo. What that so I know Aqua. Oh, Leo. And I'm an Aquarius. No, I'm an Aquarius in Grant's. A Leo. Oh, so same pair. Yeah. That's so funny. And we know they work great together. Yes, they do. They're sister signs. He's a Leo. Yeah. Yes. Senior Virgo. I am. Yeah. Yeah. Although I'm like right on the cusp, which people have told me. How do you, how do you feel about your Virgo? 'cause I'm a Virgo rising and I have feelings about it. No, you're not a Virgo Rising, are you? Really? Yes. Oh my God. But but you said you were a Sagittarius moon. Yeah, I'm a cancer moon. I rem I remember you telling your cancer moon and you got all the big feelings. I got big feelings. Oh my gosh. I'm like, just like watching mug. I don't really know anything about that. Well, because you don't know your birth time. We need to know your turn. The only thing I've heard about Virgo is like, really Type A organized, da, da da. I don't really feel like I relate to that. Mm. I think having kids has kind of forced me I into that more in a way that like feels uncomfortable for like it is not my natural state, I would say. So when I, when p I've met people who are into astrology, 'cause I'm August 24th. Mm. They've been like, oh, you're like running the, you're more of a Leo than a Virgo. I've heard that Uhhuh, but that also hard worker. I, I think of, I, I actually have a lot of Virgos in my life and I feel like, I think of Virgos more of like just. When they wanna get things done. Yeah. I have that. It's gonna be done. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I think of it. Yeah. As far as you like. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So anyway, sorry. Yeah. Um, so, so, okay. So you got in, you've always kind of been into Yes. I think like generally, I mean, I've always loved like the moon and the stars. Mm-hmm. And the stories associated with them. Um, I think when I was getting into dating then I was like, who am I good with? Mm-hmm. but I think more recently, so maybe with, in the last five years, and once I knew my birth chart, then that was like, oh, this is really cool to have a tool to refer to, to be like, I'm feeling lost about this thing, or, I don't understand this thing about myself. And then to like, even, even if not everything resonates just to be like, oh, like my Neptune and Capricorn means this. And I actually like really connect with that. So like, how can I lean in there? or. Uh, learning really cool things like, I was born at nighttime. Mm-hmm. And if you're born in, at nighttime, then the moon is actually more important for you Mm. Than your sun sign. Interesting. And that, the moon, works really well with Mars and Venus, which I actually resonate much more with. Mm-hmm. Um, my Venus is in Pisces, and my Mars is in Gemini. And I feel like between those and my moon, I just, that's like, oh, that makes, I feel like I understand myself better that way. Mm-hmm. That resonates more. Yeah. With, um, yeah. Than with like my son. Um. Which don't get me wrong, I, I am spacey as hell as an Aquarius. 'cause I'm always just like, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. But speaking as a fellow Aquarius, the one thing that, and I I'm wondering, I feel like you imagine the same thing is like, Aquarius are notoriously cold. Mm. Which I feel like you're very cold. No, I, I don't either of You're very cold. Yeah. Yeah. I think I can be very aloof. not in like a mean way, but I think I, I'm very like in my head all the time. or like, I'm a terrible texter. I, I, if, if I'm on a group thread, you will not see me not pop up. I'll not be on that record. yeah. So I think it's more, I'm always just caught up in my own thoughts. Mm-hmm. Um, although I did hear someone say once about like how Aquarians. Love humanity, but can't stand humans. So I kind of feel that too. Yeah. Um, but I also, yeah, I know it's interesting 'cause I think the other thing that, like the birth charts mm-hmm. Of it all that like unlocks something is like knowing what the houses are Yeah. And what they mean and then where the planet is in that. And the house is, and, uh, so my, my son is in the sixth house of like, work. so I do, I think that is like something that's been cool to be like, oh, work is really important to me. what are the houses like? What does that mean? The houses, the house. So there's 12 houses in your chart, in a chart. Mm-hmm. Um, and each house has a different meaning. So the first house is like the self. Mm-hmm. Um, and I don't know everything. Yeah. Yeah. So these are, I'll just say the ones that I got, like the first house is the self, but the seventh house is like about your key relationships. Okay. Um, the 10th house is always about like your public facing career. Mm-hmm. or image. Oh, okay. Um, the fourth house is about family and home. and like more like parents and grandparents I think. But the third one is about like siblings. Mm. Um, and communication. Uh, so they all have like different arenas of your life or they're all responsible for different arenas in your life. And then depending on what planets are, in what house in your chart mm-hmm. Affects how it affects your personality. Mm. So like, my Venus and Pisces is in my seventh house of relationships and that's like, I. I'm very romantic and daydreamy and love connecting with people. and that it's in the seventh house means like relationships are very important and that's how I like, like to connect with people. It's in like a dreamy, boundaryless way. Very good for therapy. Um, but, but, that's opposed to the seventh house or that seventh house, the first house of self. and so it's like my, the rising is always in the first house. Okay. and so I'm a Virgo rising, and so I'm very like methodical and detailed and very just we have to make clear plans and communication. So like that is in polar opposite to my, like, wanting to be dreamy with people. Mm-hmm. So those things kind of fight sometimes. Okay. Yeah. Um, so it's just like learning more about where your planets are. Mm-hmm. What style and personality they take in a house, and then how are they in relation to all the other planets? Mm-hmm. Is like basically how, who you are. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Has that helped you? Like with the career house, has that helped you on your quest to be like, what it, what am I figuring out? Yeah. Yeah. I, definitely would say, so I have, uh, my 10th house is a, is Gemini. Mm-hmm. And, that's like the balancing one. That's the, the twins. Okay. I don't know why this means dual twins duality. I got it. Um, but, uh, yeah, so Gemini is very curious. It's very much like a social butterfly. Mm-hmm. It very much wants to talk to people. And so it's a very public facing thing. Mm-hmm. So I think for me, that definitely explains like, oh, I do want to be out in the world and connecting with people. Mm-hmm. it is polar opposite to my moon, which is in the fourth house and is a very private sign. Mm. So I feel emotionally safe alone, but I want to be in public. Wow. Yeah. So that's always intention with me. Mm-hmm. Is this thing of like, how, so how do I, how do I do the public thing? Both. Yeah. How do I do both? But I, you know, it's, it is sometimes I can get like really frustrated with astrology because it's also the thing of, like, I have, so I, I make these dumb rules for myself. Mm-hmm. Which is also the Ooc D of it, but it's like, because my sun sign's not a Pisces or a water sign, I'm like, well, I can't be an actor because That's so funny. I've had the same thoughts. Yeah. Because you just, you're like, I'm not the artsy kind. Yeah. Or because I, I, I, uh, but I was like, but you have a moon in cancer, so that's why you've got the, you know, but I, I like, and I'll do the thing where like, I look up a whole bunch of celebrities. My friends's, their birthday, when's their birthday, and they're all like, water signs mostly, or Leo, or like, fire. Mm-hmm. Um, and so I'm like, well, that's not in my chart, so guess I can't be an actor. So I'm trying to fight that. Okay. Yes. Yeah. But according to my chart, I'm very good at writing mm-hmm. And editing, which are two things I do love to do. Mm-hmm. Um, and I, but I, and it's also Having Mars and my midheaven, which is the career thing. Mm-hmm. In Gemini, it's very like, but you want to be out in the world. So I'm trying to find what that is that like satisfies, right. Yeah. Those things because I do love it all. I think that's the difficult thing. It's like when you love so many things Right. But you feel like you have to specialize. Mm. Right. So you don't feel like there's, okay, so was it acting for you originally? Like just acting and then these other things kind of found you? Or what, what was the first like, door opening into being an artist? Mm-hmm. You know, it's interesting. I, I, uh, during the pandemic, I, I was at home and I went through, boxes of old homework assignments and things from kindergarten. Mm-hmm. And even in kindergarten, it's like I can't wait to be an actress. Aw, really? Um, that's, and so I think acting was definitely the first thing. and then, uh, my mom, uh, my mom enrolled us in, ever since the fourth grade I've been in, performing arts programs. Okay. Um, so creativity, art has always been part of my life. So I, it's like very hard to think of a world without it. Yeah. Yeah. but I think acting was the first thing. and then I found filmmaking in high school. and I really liked directing storyboarding, honestly. I love storyboarding. Got your stick figures in there. Get my stick figures in there. Honestly, they do a great job. I'm gonna need to see better figures. Very emotive. Um, but no, I, I love storyboard. I love visual storytelling. Mm-hmm. And that is something that does really excite me. I think it's just, yeah, so acting, filmmaking. and then I think once you get into The industry, it feels like people want you to specialize Uhhuh. Like they don't really want you to do everything right. 'cause then they don't trust that you're good at everything. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I see. Yeah. It's like, because you get pigeonholed a little bit and I think I was just very resistant to that. Mm-hmm. So, but I also feel the expectation of it and like, feel like that's what you have to do. Mm-hmm. So, you know, I remember I, I was talking to my teacher about this recently and he was just like, it sounds like you feel like these things can't exist at the same time. Right. Right. And that you can't just do all these things. Yeah. And I was like, but the world is telling me, he's like, I think you're telling you. And I'm like, ah God, you put this back on me. Yeah. It's not my fault. Yeah. Um, but it's funny because, sorry, I was gonna say like even Peacock and the Rebel, the one woman show is accumulation of all of these facets. Yeah. In a way. And just like at the core, it feels like storytelling. Yeah. Is Yeah. At the forefront. Yeah. I don't know why, but right now I'm just thinking about like, because I, what I. When I decided to go to film school, at the time, like Pixar was making all the hits. Love, Pixar love, and, but I, I like that for me is really inspiring. Like Pixar movies. I feel like that level of storytelling. What's your favorite Pixar movie? Oh, don't Make Me Choose. It's gotta Be Inside Out, right? It's in. Ooh, no, I love it though. I do love Inside Out too. I do love Inside Out. I feel like, Ooh. Oh, there's so many. I feel I, I, I don't know if I can choose. Oh my God. Okay, I'll just gonna list them and then I'll let you guys decide. Uh, the Incredibles Rati Chewy, I love Wally. It was really good. Wally is so good. My favorite is Monsters, monster Monsters. Steak is also good. Either something bad. It's, it's my favorite. It's actually a Christmas movie for me and my family. Really? Because we just end up watching it every Christmas, so. Oh, I love that. I love that. That's cute. Well, I won't make you choose then. That's okay. I'll go with Monster Sink. I think like, it's just, it seems like a, from a person who, I feel like acting is kind of like the only thing, it seems like such a gift that you have so many things that you love that you'd be happy doing, you know? Oh, thank you. Like, and, and I think you, I feel like you can totally do all of those things. Yeah. And you, and it's so true that like this, like the manifestation of all this was this like one woman show. Yeah. That's an example of, I feel like there's so many other things like, yeah, I think it is a gift. I agree to love that and to be able to tap into all of those things and. And like you said, you were figuring it out. I think that's part of like maybe the figuring it out is just like, okay, what's the next like way to combine all way to combine all these things? Yeah. Because like I think being project focused rather than outcome focused. Yeah. And being like, 'cause I think that was what was also nice about the show was I just focused on the project. Yeah. And it wasn't like, what is this gonna mean? Mm-hmm. About my life. And I think that's a happier place than like assigning an expectation. To what this thing is. Yeah. Um, 'cause 'cause if you don't meet it, then you're like, well then it's a disaster. Yeah. And then, then that's not fair to the thing you've just created. Yeah. Yeah. 'cause you said it could be even a greater outcome than you could even imagined. Absolutely. Yeah. So, uh, no, I, I appreciate saying you guys saying that. 'cause I certainly don't always think of it like that, where I'm like, I have gifts. Yeah, yeah. But yeah. But I mean, it's also like the culture we're in. Like, I find myself like even just now being like, okay, so are you gonna make it into a film next? Or what? Do you know what I mean? I, that's like the, the Los Angeles. So that has infiltrated my mind of like. Why can't it just be like, you made a great piece of art and now you will make another great piece. You know what I mean? Something. Yeah. That's the thing. Profit, profit get you get us further. Like, I don't know. That's what I find. I think in, in on some level it's like, well we profit then we'll have great opportunities to keep doing it. Right. So I think, I think there is like a true altruistic intention. Yes, yes. But it gets like muddled through. It gets very muddled. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. we. I like to choose a practice. Okay. That you implement in your life. And we try it on Oh, for the next two weeks? Mm-hmm. Oh, like a spiritual, so like a spiritual practice or like something that keep, like if you're spiraling something that gets you out of it. Anything like that. I should have wrote down, there was something you said earlier, other than going to the, um, Quaker meetings. We could Oh yeah. Go to Quaker. Actually, there's, uh, in Pasadena, the Orange Grove, uh, friends, I forgot. Um, yeah. But, but, but we should take another one just in case we don't make it to the Quaker meeting. Okay. I can't remember. I mean, I, well, so this is, um, something I've been finding a lot of comfort in lately with my, uh, OCD homework. Mm-hmm. Okay. Which is. When you get really anxious. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Just saying, this is really uncomfortable, but I can't handle it. Mm. Because for me, I often think I can't. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and then that keeps me even more anxious. So just acknowledging the anxiety. Mm-hmm. Being like, I can handle this. Yeah. And then just sitting with the discomfort and then you notice that it passes. Yeah. You forward with your day rather than like staying stuck in it. Okay. I love that. I love that. This was great for my mom life too. Can you say it again so I can write it down? I am, uh, uh, this is make, I'm uncomfortable, but I can handle it. Okay. Okay, great. I feel like this could be very helpful. I'm very anxious too. So, yes. Every day I didn't think I was anxious until I had kiss. Maybe I was anxious. It was just dormant then I just was like. Yeah. It's like barrel. Well I, you have like, you have lives to take care of. Oh my God's rough. Yeah. I mean it's great. Wow. Just, yeah. Okay, great. This is great. This is gonna be great. Is there anything you wanna plug our, promote our, leave us with? Plug I can leave you with, you guys are great. Oh, thank you. You guys are great. And I think this is very meaningful and I've enjoyed myself and I can't wait yes to do this again. Maybe. Yes. We've talked about that a lot. Like having people back on Yeah. Because it's been kind of, there's been some real moments of like, people come on the podcast and then like. Their lives changed. Yeah. Like we had ki do you know Kiara? Now? I feel like all your friends know each other. Yeah. You and Kira, you've uh, definitely have passed by, passed by in here. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Her episode was like, her struggling with be becoming a stunt woman and she had to like, some time, take some time off and was like, you know, like just coming out of the Oh wow. Darkness of it and like the net. I don't know, maybe within two weeks of recording she got a job, booked a big thing, and been like, on fire since then. As a stunt woman, stuff like that. Like that's really cool. Have to go back on you. Cool. Yeah, just like, there's nothing about that like open, I think it just like is like a portal opening thing, I think. Yeah. Know. Absolutely. And it's never ending. It's, it's, you know, it's, our lives are always changing and, yeah. Yeah. I also wanna come back so I can pull more cards. That's, yes. Well, we gotta pull more cards. Oh my God. Maybe I need a card. Okay. Yes. This has been so wonderful. Thank you so much for being here. Oh, thank you guys. Thank you. And then until next time's, Boddies. For the love of it.