Is Porn Cheating? A Couples Therapist Answers

Johanna is sharing an episode of Consider Before Consuming featuring Dr. Nicholas Lawless — clinical psychologist and couples therapist — on how pornography affects relationships. Not in a preachy way. In a 'here's what's actually happening, here's what the research shows, here's what couples therapists see in the room' way. If something has felt off in your relationship and you can't quite name it, this one is worth your time.

🤩Consider Before Consuming — Dr. Nicholas Lawless episode — 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/consider-before-consuming/id1466445204?i=1000767550671

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Swingin' through the ease with regular Midlife's calling honey where nobody's full. Got the fire side where I'm not the shine. This is our time, yeah. So divine, all the thriving, old and free. Women all in midlife, just do ANC. Dance through the changes with the heart so strong. This is our anthem.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Come and sing along. Hello, my friends, and welcome back to Not Your Mother's Midlife. I am your host, Joanna, and today we're talking about something that affects a lot of relationships, and almost nobody is talking about it. I'm sharing an episode from the Consider Before Consuming podcast where they sit down with Dr. Nicholas Lawless. He's a clinical psychologist and couples therapist from Australia, actually, to talk about how pornography affects relationships. And before anyone clicks off, just wait. This is not a morality lecture. This is a clinical conversation. What does the research actually show? What do couples therapists actually see? And what happens inside a relationship when porn becomes a regular part of the picture? Dr. Lawless comes at this from a practical, grounded place. He's worked with real couples dealing with real disconnections, and he's very clear that his job isn't to tell people what to do, is to help them understand what's happening and make informed choices. So what is actually happening? One of the things he talks about is attention, where it goes and what it costs. When someone's attention shifts consistently towards pornography, something changes in how they show up in their relationship. It's not always dramatic, but it's often very subtle. A slight pulling away, a drop in investment, a change of expectations around sex and intimacy that the other partner can feel but can't always name. He also gets into something that I think a lot of people have felt but not had the language for. The betrayal piece. Because people often ask whether watching porn counts as cheating. And Dr. Lawless doesn't give an easy yes or no because that's not really the point. The point is that for a lot of partners, it feels like a betrayal, regardless of how it gets categorized. That feeling is real and it has consequences for trust and connection, whether or not anyone uses the word cheating. There's also a really interesting thread about how point and shift what someone expects from sex, from their partner's body, from the experience itself, from their own responses. And when reality doesn't match those expectations, the gap creates distance. Not necessarily consciously, but it's there. What I appreciated most about this conversation is that it doesn't end at here's the damage. He talks about what rebuilding connection actually looks like, what couples can do when one or both partners feel like something has gone wrong, how you can have the conversation, what tends to help relationships, because that's what most people actually need, not just the diagnosis about the path forward. I'll link the full episode in the show notes. And if any of this resonates, whether you're the one with the habit or the one who's been feeling something is off, it's worth listening to. Dr. Lawless is a straight talker and the conversation is really useful. So thanks for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, well it's a very short one, but if you enjoyed the episode that I'm sending you to, share it with a friend who would love it too. Drop your thoughts, ideas for future episodes. I'd love to hear from you. Subscribe to my podcast and to my YouTube channel so you never ever miss an episode. Leave me a five-star review to help others find me easier. I'd really appreciate that. And until next week, I'm Joanna Hart, and this is Not Your Mother's Midlife. Bye bye.