Setting Boundaries for Military Couples: Protecting Your Mental Health During Fertility Struggles and Transitions

For military families, spouses, and veterans, navigating infertility and the unique challenges of military life can be emotionally draining. One of the most important tools for managing stress, protecting mental health, and staying grounded during difficult times is learning how to set and maintain boundaries.

In this episode of Mindful Warrior Alliance, Kerri Bicskei, Air Force spouse, psychotherapist, and founder of the nonprofit, discusses why setting healthy boundaries is essential when dealing with the pressures of fertility treatments, military transitions, deployments, and the constant demands of others.

You’ll learn:

• Why boundaries are vital for mental health during fertility struggles
• How to say no without guilt and protect your emotional energy during military moves and deployments
• Practical tips for setting boundaries with family, friends, and work while navigating infertility treatments like IVF
• How boundaries help reduce anxiety and allow you to focus on your well-being
• The importance of self-care for military spouses and service members facing overwhelming transitions

In this episode, you'll gain tools to help you prioritize your own health and well-being while balancing the needs of your family and the demands of military life.

👉 Listen now, subscribe, and share this episode with someone who needs support in setting healthy boundaries. Visit mindfulwarrioralliance.org for more resources and tools for your fertility and mental health journey.

Transcript

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Hi, I'm Carrie bge, military spouse, licensed therapist, and founder of Mindful Warrior Alliance. Welcome to the Mindful Warrior Alliance Podcast, your go-to space for real conversations around mental health IVF, fertility and military life. Each week we connect with leading experts, service members, male spouses, and thought leaders to bring you tools, insights, and stories to support your journey. Whether you're navigating deployment, fertility treatments, or just trying to stay grounded, you're in the right place. I'm excited to talk to you today about boundaries. Dun dun dun. This is a topic that I am. Talk to you, my clients a ton about, and it's one that I have a lot of questions about. What does setting boundaries actually look like? Everyone knows the benefits of setting boundaries. We'll talk about that a little bit too. But we're gonna talk about the benefit, the downside of not setting boundaries and what setting boundaries actually looks like. So athletes particularly struggle with this because lots of athletes and high performers have a tendency to people please to want to overachieve, to do it all, spread themselves super thin, and guess what gets sacrificed? Your mental health right? And your performance at the end of the day. So we're gonna dive into this solo episode and talk all about boundaries. I'm so excited. as a therapist, even struggle with boundaries, right? It's something that I have to keep myself accountable for, um, in my day-to-day decision making, because at the end of the week when I look back and I'm like, oh my gosh, why am I so mentally drained? Um, why do I have no energy? And feel so depleted. I have to look at my day-to-day decisions that have led to that point for me being depleted at the end of the week. So that's ultimately what it is, what it comes down to, right? So I'm not perfect. There's so many decisions that we have to make day to day, and we're spread super thin. Everyone wants something from us. We have family commitments, social commitments, training commitments. If you have a relationship or a kid or a pet, like those are extra responsibilities. So there's just a lot to keep track of, right? So boundaries can be super helpful and just allowing you to give back to yourself. So it's a self-care practice that really is a practice. You have to be good at it. I still struggle with setting boundaries sometimes, and I feel like I'm pretty good with boundaries. Right. So you're just always a work in progress. Uh, so what boundaries are I. In themselves are, ways to protect yourself, ways to protect your energy, ways to put up, a barrier or a limit, um, in these different aspects of your life. So whether that's with your sport or family, People that you're putting up boundaries with coaches, uh, and your social life, with your social media, with your work, all of that kind of stuff. Uh, so boundaries can spread into all aspects of our life, uh, of our lives, not just in our athletic life, our, um, our day-to-day as well. So if you're someone that really struggles with people pleasing with having a hard time saying no. When things come your way or have a hard time saying no in the moment, and then you're regretting that later on, this is probably an episode for you to pay attention to. Right? I think boundaries can be elusive for people. Sometimes they sound really great, um, but then people can just not quite understand how to put them in place, and so it seems just really inaccessible. And so we forget about the boundaries altogether, so, I'm gonna talk about the benefits of setting boundaries, right? So benefits of putting up a boundary with a person, uh, place or thing. Putting up a boundary could mean allowing yourself to not get burnt out. Like I said, when I don't put up a boundary, uh, you know, or I'm not upholding a boundary, by the end of the week, I feel super depleted. So for me, An example of that would be, I have one particular family member, who really stresses me out he brings a lot of stress into my life, when I, when I talk to him. And so I have to. Allocate an amount of time that I'm able to talk to, to him, right? So I have to put, that boundary in place. Otherwise, if I'm not in a good spot and I am a, taking his call or B taking his call, and it's like a long, pretty. Emotionally exhausting conversation, then I'm really depleted and I'm really in a bad spot. Right? So paying attention to your emotional state, what you have going on during the day when you're taking phone calls from people, from family, from friends, from the friend. That is always. Kind of needy or wanting something from you. You just have to pay attention to what you have to give in that moment. Um, that's really important to, to, to know when you have that boundary to put up. Right? Um, so whether it's with the person or maybe it's maybe you're someone who has a tendency to check. Work emails past like 8:00 PM or super close to bed, things like that, uh, or respond to people because you're just used to being that person. That person's always ex, you know, expecting you to respond. And so you just keep doing it. Um, even if you've, yeah, maybe you've put up a boundary before and that person's not respecting that boundary. So boundaries get crossed like all the time. So, um, whether you've put them in place and people just choose to kind of ignore them, um, Or you are not upholding the boundaries. So it's, it's, yeah, it's, it can be super confusing and it can feel really draining to set boundaries and not have people respect them. But if you're not wanting to get burnt out in your sport and your, your day-to-day life, like, I highly recommend that you figure out areas of your life where you're feeling depleted, where you're feeling like you. Maybe could put up a boundary with a person, um, or maybe like manage your day a little bit better so that you can, um, you can function more optimally. I highly recommend you to do that. So not getting burnt out, that's definitely a benefit of putting up a boundary. Um, preventing this goes a little bit hand in hand with. Number one of not getting burnt out, but not having an emotional, uh, not having an emotional meltdown or feeling like emotionally fatigued. Um, that is, that's a benefit when you're setting boundaries, you're feeling a little bit more stable, a little bit more grounded, um, emotionally regulated, which we need as athletes and high performers. You don't wanna be the athlete who is. Being slowed down because you have nothing mentally to give to your team or to your performance, right? So I've seen that happen a lot, um, with a lot of athletes that I work with, especially in races where maybe they're undersleep or, um, they didn't manage their time throughout the week. There's boundaries missed opportunities that, for boundaries that could have been set, um, and then all of a sudden come crunch time, game time, race time. They're gonna have an emotional meltdown because they are feeling really unhinged, not super stable. So we don't want that to be you where you feel like you haven't been devoting your attention to the right places and you're feeling just spent just exhausted. Right? So not having that emotional fatigue. Um, so a benefit would be to set that boundary so you're able to be more emotionally regulated and have good performance. Um, so. The third thing, third benefit would be to avoid injury. So if you're setting boundaries and you're really being mindful of putting up those boundaries, you're going to avoid injury, right? Because when you're spent, you're burnt out, your attention is focused and the wrong places, and you're not saying no to things and um, you're trying to do everything and you're trying to say yes to everything. I bet your mobility is gonna be compromised. Um, your recovery, your sleep, your stretching, like those are the things that are gonna fall to the wayside, right? So saying no to, um, say no to things, putting up boundaries around that allows you to protect your body and your brain. So come performance time, come race day, uh, you're gonna be prepared ultimately, right? So boundaries can be super important. Um, I know right now. With where I'm at. I mentioned in the last podcast episode, I'm here in Vermont, Austin and I are doing I v F. Um, it's been such a transition for me going from full tilt training for I. You know, the Half Iron Man really wanted to do another half iron Man. But this is the timing of everything. And so here we are doing I V F, so training had to come to a screeching halt. So now instead of doing runs, I'm doing long walks and stretching and yoga and slower movements, which I preach anyway to my clients. So that's, it's good that I'm walking the walk for sure. Um, But it's a shock to your system. Right? And it's a, it's a shock to my system to have to say no to things and to say no to, um, to workouts and put up boundaries. I have, I've been having to put up boundaries to protect my energy and my space and my mental wellbeing. And so that means maybe, um, not. Talking to certain people, engaging in certain activities that can be more high stress. So it's been one giant constant exercise in boundary setting over here, honestly. So this is a good episode. Um, because I've been, I've been having to put boundaries a lot, uh, in practice quite a bit. So anyway, that's where I am with boundaries. I know people can really struggle, athletes can really struggle, um, particularly because of our tendencies to want to overachieve and do everything right. So knowing how to set boundaries, boundaries can be really tricky. So, Mike, I. Talked about before. I think figuring out areas of your life that are bringing you the most stress, bringing you the most anxiety. Who are those people? What are those things? Looking at your environment, looking at your day-to-day and really pinpointing where your top impact stressors are coming from. Which direction are they coming from? Who's bringing them to you? What time of day, what season? Um, And really getting clear on identifying those things. Then we have this awareness of where those boundaries, where we can, where the gaps are, and where we can do some work. Right. So really getting clear on that. And then committing to upholding that boundary. And out of these next three that I'm gonna give you these next three tips, um, I don't know which one, which ones are the harder ones, but this one's, this one is for sure a really tough one. So com, once you've identified the boundary that you want to set, whether that's with a coach or a teammate or a parent, like those are, Tough, tough, tough, um, roles and relationships to set boundaries with. So, um, or to set, yeah, to set boundaries with, because you've already had the ingrained interactions with those people, especially family members, they can be so tricky to set boundaries with because they've known you forever. Right. If you wanna all of a sudden start showing up in a different way and your relationship is not really working for you anymore and you're trying to voice that, it can be really confusing for your family members. It can be really frustrating for them. People might get mad at you. You have to be, you know, be aware that that could be, that could very much be in the cards. So just, just being mindful that it's not gonna be an easy. Gravy train to set boundaries with people. Um, it's gonna be an uphill battle, but it's enough of an up, if enough of it's, enough of a benefit if you're super miserable in your relationships and in those situations. And it's, it's worth it enough to you. So if you're sick of being miserable and you want something to change, and a conversation with that person is the only way that it's going to change and having a conversation about that boundary, um, then. That's where you need to start, right? So I always tell my clients like, there are two types of boundaries that you can set. So one is a very clear two-way boundary. So you're having a conversation with that person. So maybe it's a friend that you feel. Maybe it's a friend that you feel like it's, it's a maybe more of a one-sided relationship. Um, and you're giving a lot in that relationship and you want to express to that person that you're just not gonna be super available in the way that, in the ways that you have been. Right? So you have to figure out a way to, in your own words, Communicate that to that person in an empathetic, clear way so that they understand where you're coming from, but you're also being really clear with that boundary, right? So that can be with a friend. Um, maybe it's with a boss who continues to email you after hours, and you really need to put that boundary up and protect your time. So maybe you need to switch up your. You know your relationship there, or maybe it's a boundary around social media. Hey, log. So chill. Sorry, Loki just jumped in the lake and she is shaking out everywhere and being kind of loud, so I apologize if you're hearing any of that. Um, so maybe it's a boundary that you wanna put up around social media. So what would, what would that look like? You know, so with these two-way boundaries, um, you know, with. Generally people are involved, right? So it's someone that you'd need to have a conversation with. So a two-way boundary would be you knowing about the boundary and that person knowing about that boundary, right? So super clear communication. The second type of boundary that. I talk to my clients about all the time is a one-way boundary. So this is a boundary that only you know about and you are putting these, you know, that boundary up and the stipulations around your boundary. Um, but the other person doesn't know about that boundary, right? So this could be the case if you are. Fearful of how that person would respond to your boundary, which is the case for, for a lot of people, they're like, I wanna put up this boundary. Um, but I'm not quite sure how this other person's gonna respond. Um, maybe they're gonna be, they're gonna be super mad at me or they're not gonna respect it, or I, it's gonna hurt their feelings. That's a really big one. So I hear that a lot with my clients who wanna specifically set up. Boundaries with family members or friends or partners that are, you know, super close to them. So, um, and, and this could be just a range of examples of a friend that's kind of needing too much or a family member that's constantly, stressing you out, emotionally exhausting you, and you have to have conversations with these people and see them for holidays and they call you maybe all the time. What does, so what does cutting down your communication look, look like? What does that boundary look like? for you? You set that boundary, but the other person, maybe from their perspective, they're just noticing that there's a little bit more space between you and them and you've created that space. So you're just being less available, right? So it's up to you whether you wanna set a one-way boundary or a two-way boundary. So anyone that wants any more specific clarity around this framework, make sure you shoot me an email. Go to ReadySet mindful.com. Um, I love when you guys email me and, uh, ask me any questions. You feel free to DM me on Instagram at ReadySet Mindful as well. And also on YouTube. I'll be posting a short about this, so, uh, make sure to leave a comment there as well. If you want any more clarity on boundaries, happy to clarify some more things for you. But that's the gist of one and two way boundaries. So, When we're talking about how to set boundaries, the framework for that, the first first thing is identifying the boundary You wanna set identifying your triggers or your stressors throughout the day, um, where you'd want to set that boundary, right? The second one is committing to that boundary and holding strong, right? Uh, even when it's hard. And the third one is, you know, not taking the bait and arguing with people or defending your boundary. it, it, I see clients get stuck in this a lot where they're over, they're, they're trying to overexplain themselves and they're kind of digging themselves a hole when really you can have a pretty clear cut answer, a canned answer. Uh, that can make your life a lot easier. So think of an answer that you'd want to say to someone if they questioned your boundary. Um, and then you can kind of memorize that, write that on your hand so that that will help you. But when it's more short and sweet and easy to remember, your response is easy to remember. You're less likely to get, Caught up on your words and stumble over yourself and dig a hole. which can happen when we're trying to, when we're emotional and we're overexplaining things, we talk ourselves into a corner and get super nervous. we don't wanna hurt the person's feelings and so maybe we're overexplaining things a little bit. So yeah, just remember this is one of my favorite quotes too. it's just that the only people that. Are gonna have an issue with you. Setting a boundary are the people that have benefited from you not having one. Right? So just remember that those people are gonna be pissed because they're benefiting from you. Working yourself to the bone from, you know, answering calls at all hours of the night, from over-training, from doing everything under the sun, from Overcommitting, from saying yes all the time. And then if you're that person who says no, or let me think about it, or that's not, that's just not gonna work for me right now, guess what? That's different than what that person was expecting. And they're gonna be upset about that if they're not. Someone who can respect that boundary, or maybe they're taking advantage of that boundary, right? So you really quickly learn and find out who is going to respond to that boundary favorably and be like, oh my gosh. Okay. Carrie, I'm so sorry. Like I didn't, I didn't understand, or I, you know, I, I. Wasn't sure that that was coming across that way. I'm sorry. Like, yeah, that sounds good. Let's move forward, um, with that right. Respectful response. but if you're encountered with an emotional response, someone who's really not down with the boundary, Maybe a bigger boundary gets put up and you don't need that person in your life, or you're really weaning down your communication with that person. if they're not willing to respect that boundary, right? Because that's super fair, super reasonable for you to want to protect your time, protect your energy, protect your mental wellness, and it's, it's just, it's something that you need to do for your mental health, right? So if someone's not on your team and supportive of that, that would be a bigger question, a bigger conversation of. Crap, why aren't you on my team? Like this sucks. But beauty of that, like maybe you're shedding light on something that maybe needed to go away, right? So maybe a bigger boundary needs to be in place if that's the response that you're getting. So, So the fourth thing is in, you know, be aware and prepare for the suck. Like setting boundaries is really hard. Uh, saying no to people is really hard. Letting people down is, is hard. Um, you know, especially for someone who is empathetic and cares about. Feelings and doesn't wanna hurt people. I can definitely relate to that. There's been lots of times where I've said no to different opportunities or different social events, things like that because ultimately I have a really clear. Idea of where my priorities are. So if I, for example, like I go to bed at 8:30 PM so just know if you're listening to this podcast and you've ever invited me out past 8:30 PM pretty much since I met Austen, I have been going to bed pretty early, so if you're, if you've ever invited me to do anything past eight 30, we've probably said no to you. I've probably said no to you because I really value my sleep and that's something super important to me. And unless it's like a. Super important family event or emergency, things like that. I'm really protective over those things, so that's a really easy kind of bailout for me. I'm like, oh, you know, sorry, I can't, I can't make it to that. or that's not gonna work for me. I don't even really need to say that I go to bed at eight 30 if I wanted to say that I could, but I think that's taking the bait a little bit. And then you're kind of. Provoking that person to then either make fun of your bedtime or, um, give you a rebuttal. If you're just saying a clear cut kind of canned answer of, that's just not gonna work for me, you know, maybe next time. So that's a soft kind of leaving it open. so you're not letting them down with a hard, a hard No, but maybe it's a Yeah. But I, I, or I appreciate you asking, right? So maybe you don't wanna leave that invitation open. And you're just saying, I I'm not available at that time or I'm not able to do that. Thanks so much for asking, thanks for thinking of me. Um, or if you're trying to like delegate that, maybe you can ask so-and-so, so there's lots of different variations of responses that you can, that you can have to. Put up a boundary to kind of protect your time, protect your space, protect your energy. But remember to go back to, um, point number three of trying not to overexplain. or take the bait and get sucked into an argument and defend your boundary, right? Because that's not what you're, you're there to do. You're there to set it and uphold it. So hopefully this episode was helpful for you guys. I know boundaries are, Yeah, they're just a necessary part of life and don't want, you don't want your days, you don't want your weeks, your months to get away from you where you're like, oh my gosh, like why am I so depleted? Why do I have nothing left? Why do I. Feel like I give, give, give, and I never get anything back. Right? Well, that's because you have taught people how to treat you. So boundaries allow you to take some of your power back and to set that tone, set that precedent for how you want that precedent. For how you want people to treat you, right? You don't want people to, um, remember you or think of you as someone who can be walked all over or, oh, yeah, let's, that's Carrie. Just sh she says yes all the time. Like, go and, you know, just go and ask her. She answers her phone all the time. Um, or she, you know, she's available all the time. You don't want that. You don't want to be indispensable to people in that way to be thought of in that way. You want to have really healthy boundaries that allow you to. Know, have a social life, to have your work, to have your family, um, to make time to eat food throughout the day. You know, God forbid I have so many damn athletes that don't make time to eat throughout the day because they're like, I have to rush from this, to this, to this, to this. Right? So we want to. we want to make time for the things that are important to us. So I think the biggest mistake, and I'll leave you guys with this, I think the biggest mistake that people make about setting boundaries is that they don't look at those boundaries as like day-to-day decisions. Right, like your boundaries show up in day-to-day decision making. So identifying them, identifying where there's, where most of your stress is coming from, or where you feel like you're overrun or spreading yourself too thin. Like what, what has got to give, right? Like what can you say no to? A little bit more like when can you turn off your phone a little bit earlier, like, Where are those opportunities? So really just getting clear around that and hopefully you have more of mental clarity. Mental wellbeing, your performance is better. Your day-to-day mindset is better. You feel more emotionally regulated and you start to feel not as burnt out. Not as depleted. Right. That's what we ultimately want. So I want you guys all to have optimal performance and boundaries is a really big piece of that, right? It's a really big piece of that for athletes and athletes who've done a really good job of that have been, you know, Simone Biles, Naomi Osaka, those two females in particular have, you know, Pretty, you know, have anxiety, right? And they've been pretty vocal about their struggles with anxiety and they've put up boundaries around media, time around, Simone Biles didn't compete in the Olympics, right? Due to her anxiety. And so, That's a big boundary to put up, Hey, I'm actually gonna put my mental health first and I'm gonna protect myself and here's what I'm willing to do about it. Even though it's really hard, they received a lot of bashing for those decisions, but ultimately nothing but respect for people who put up boundaries and, and stick to them. So those are your two shining examples for, for athletes and high performers who set boundaries. So hopefully you can be one of those people. The person who sets the boundary and sticks to it and. Just has better mental and physical performance because of that as well. So hope you guys took something from this episode. Thanks so much for joining us on the Mindful Warrior Alliance Podcast. If today's episode spoke to you in some way, share it with your friend and leave us a review. It helps us to reach more warriors like you. Don't forget to follow us on social media and head to mindful warrior alliance.org to connect with our community access resources and stay up to date on what's coming up next. Until next time, take care of your mind. Stay strong and be mindful.