The REAL Driver of Female Behavior: Hormone-Hack Your Goals, Part 2

Spoiler alert: Everything you do comes down to hormones. But while men are primarily motivated by dopamine, cutting-edge research shows female behavior is much more dominated by another hormone: oxytocin.

In this sequel to last week’s “Hormone-Hack Your Goals” episode, I’ll unpack why oxytocin is so crucial, key gender differences in its effects, and how YOU can use this wisdom to stick to your habits, reach your goals, and live a happy, fulfilling life.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

•  Why oxytocin has so much power over women’s (as opposed to men’s) brains
• The dangers of low oxytocin and simple ways to get more of it
• How oxytocin amplifies the effect of dopamine to reinforce positive behaviors (but can conversely keep you stuck in people-pleasing and self-sabotage if you’re not careful) 
• 8 practical strategies for using oxytocin to boost your motivation and get more done 
• Additional hormones governing fluctuations in women’s energy, willpower, and “performance” 

AS MENTIONED:

Join the Moms Making Time Society to get the structure, resources, motivation, accountability, and SUPPORT you need to reclaim your time, rediscover yourself, and reignite your joy so your whole family can flourish. Lock in your exclusive 20% off discount by September 18, 2025 so you can “Anchor + Achieve” with us this fall!

To explore personalized 1:1 support, book your FREE 60-minute consult here!

The Four Tendencies book by Gretchen Rubin

Episode 10 on other female hormones and natural energy rhythms: “Why Everything Always Feels SO Hard: 2 Culprits You Can’t Ignore”

 HOMEWORK:

Your homework for this episode is to choose two or more ways suggested to cultivate stronger bonds with others and then harness that oxytocin to enhance productivity and happiness. Share your thoughts with me via email or DM me on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity. Would love to connect further! 

COMING UP NEXT:

Join me back next episode to continue unpacking the root causes of stress and overwhelm so you’re better equipped to deal with them in a healthy, productive way.

CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

Transcript

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As promised, we are back today talking about another huge hormone that you need to know in order to, what I call, hormone hack your goals. I want to help you be successful in every area of your life and one of the best ways to do that is to have this deeper awareness of how your body works and what is actually behind so many of your struggles. Last episode, we talked all about dopamine, which is that pleasure hormone associated with good feelings or a reward anytime something good happens. Dopamine is hugely important for motivation, and as I covered in that episode, there are problems associated with having either too much or too little dopamine. So go back and listen to that episode first if you missed it. But then today, we are covering a hormone that matters even more than dopamine for helping you stay on track, be consistent, reach your goals, and really live a happy, fulfilling life. I can't wait to get into this with you. Let's dive in. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. Have you ever wondered why you feel so blue and lonely and just really down on life? Not just that you might have a dopamine deficit and feel like you're missing the pleasure or the good feelings associated with something exciting. Chances are that you are lacking this much more important hormone that is responsible for helping you feel deeply connected and fulfilled, one that really brings meaning to your life. So much of what I am going to share with you today is really cutting edge research. I am so grateful to be living in this day and age where a lot of time and resources are finally being spent on the many ways in which men and women differ. I know it sounds obvious, but believe it or not, research studies have not always taken these gender differences into account, and the vast majority of what we think we know about productivity, health, success, happiness, it's all drawn from studies on men. Today, I want to pull back the curtain on a hormone that is even more important for women in terms of their happiness and fulfillment and success than dopamine. So we're not denying that dopamine is still hugely important for women, but this cutting-edge research suggests that this other hormone is even more powerful. Before I get to what that is, you may or may not know that I am an academic researcher and statistical analysis by day, right? I am a full-time professor and I I am trained in not just deciphering, but running the kinds of studies that examine cause and effect and whether or not a significant relationship exists between two variables. This is the kind of stuff I just nerd out over, but don't worry, I will strive to make it as simple and easy to understand as possible, really keeping that high level view and hitting home the big punchlines that you can take and apply to your own life today. The hormone that matters most for women when it comes to staying on track with your goals and feeling accomplished and fulfilled is oxytocin. I imagine you've heard of this hormone before. It is very commonly known as the love hormone or the bonding hormone, but there's so much that goes into it and we are going to unpack it. And of course, we will talk about practical strategies for harnessing oxytocin to your advantage. Oxytocin is a hormone that is made in the hypothalamus and stored in your pituitary gland. It's another kind of neurochemical that sends messages to the rest of your body, telling your body what to do, when to do it, and how you might feel when you do those things. High levels of oxytocin are released during childbirth, breastfeeding, and orgasm. But it's not just these big things that release oxytocin, but it's also released in much more common social situations anytime there are feelings of intimacy, trust, and emotional connection, whether that's in romantic relationships, friendship, or the parent-child bond. The best way to get it is through any kind of physical touch. Even the simple act of giving someone a hug can boost their oxytocin and sense of well-being. All the better if it's one of those long hugs that lasts several seconds. Oxytocin decreases stress and anxiety while increasing relaxation and overall psychological stability. It literally makes you less neurotic. The thing about oxytocin is that it is produced in a positive feedback loop, where the release of it stimulates the pituitary gland to make even more oxytocin. And yet the opposite is also true, where if you are not exposing yourself to situations where your body is cued to produce oxytocin, then your body won't make much of it moving forward. Low oxytocin is linked to autism spectrum disorder, but more commonly to depression, especially postpartum depression. It's also important to note that oxytocin levels may decline with age. So if you are advancing in years, and especially in the good old perimenopause stage or beyond, we want to be that much more active in putting ourselves in social situations to boost oxytocin intentionally. Here's where the research gets so cool. These different brain scans and chemical analyses are increasingly all starting to show that there are major differences in the role that oxytocin plays for men versus for women. In other words, Men and women's brains respond to oxytocin very differently. Here's the kicker. Women typically release more oxytocin than males. That means that while men just need dopamine to build motivation and good habits, women need so much more. Dopamine helps and still feels good, but not as good as oxytocin because women are social creatures. Even look at nature. Male animals are often solitary, while the females almost always band together in a pack. All that to say, new research suggests dopamine is insufficient to motivate women. What we really crave is social solidarity, support, feeling included, feeling seen, feeling appreciated, feeling like we belong. Our actions are overwhelmingly driven by our deep, deep desire to at least maintain, if not strengthen, the bond we feel with those around us. It's one of the reasons why people-pleasing is so prevalent in women. Now, the downside of this is that sometimes the fear of being alone can make women stay in unhealthy relationships. They might shy away from change or taking action because they don't want to upset people around them. Clearly, that can have major implications for goal setting or even basic prioritization of your needs when trying to fulfill those of your loved ones. So how does oxytocin matter for goals and getting things done? It really comes down to the underlying social and emotional processes that can support or hinder the things you are trying to do. Oxytocin promotes trust, bonding, cooperation, and most importantly, reduces stress, which improves cognitive functioning and motivation, especially if it is also in the context of a group objective or group goals. The key is to remember that oxytocin motivates you to do things with other people. This is why you are so much more motivated to do things when someone else is going to do them with you. Most women don't like being alone or at least doing hard, boring stuff by themselves. I know as a busy mom, I am all too familiar with how desperately you might crave some alone time. But the research is so clear that women are significantly more likely to do something when other people are doing it with you. Then it doesn't feel like work It feels like fun, right? Social time, connection. It's why women love group fitness classes or going for a walk with a friend, studying in a group, meeting up for coffee, cleaning the kitchen with your husband instead of having to do it all by yourself. When you do things with other people, the release of oxytocin is also strengthening the bond and connection you have with people, which makes it way more fun and then cues that dopamine response and builds the addiction to what you are doing. It is such a positive feedback loop. It literally feels better. and then gives you more of a dopamine hit making you want to come back and do that thing again and again. Key takeaway being that oxytocin, right? Bonding through an activity or having people around you as you are doing something will then increase the dopamine hit you get from that activity, which reinforces the positive behavior and makes you crave more of that thing. Oxytocin also explains why women often only do things when someone else is expecting them to do it or holding their feet to the fire. For instance, you're not super motivated to organize your pantry or go through the junk drawer. but you will drop everything when your kids, husband, boss, or best friend need something? It's because you don't want to let them down. You feel obligated to help, to give of yourself because they are depending on you. Author and researcher Gretchen Rubin identifies this type of woman as an obliger. I will link her book on the four tendencies for you below. But an obliger is someone who needs external accountability and camaraderie to get things done. This is a huge percentage of women, arguably even most women. Very few women get anywhere near as much done by themselves than they do when they are working alongside other people. As I reflect on my own life, it is abundantly clear that oxytocin was at the core of what I would consider to be some of my biggest accomplishments. For instance, I struggled to finish my PhD dissertation until I got together to co-work on a regular basis with some fellow grad students. I never would have aspired to climb a 14,000 plus foot mountain on my own, but I totally did it because I didn't want to be left out when my dad, sister, and brother did. I was in amazing shape through college and grad school because I was so involved in group fitness. But then after becoming a mom and feeling the many, many effects physically, as well as the time crunch, I never stuck to my health goals until this year when I found an amazing program that has not just group support, but personalized one-on-one coaching for connection and accountability. In terms of trying to earn tenure at my academic job, I desperately sought out mentors to help me on that journey. It felt so huge and daunting, but having social connections with people who had gone before me, as well as with others who were at my same stage, made it much more fun and rewarding, and it really helped normalize the struggle so that I didn't feel so alone in the moments that were incredibly hard. The biggest way oxytocin showed up in my life was when I fell into such a deep postpartum depression. Becoming a mom is the biggest, most beautiful thing you will ever do, yet I don't have to tell you that it fundamentally changes not just you but your relationships, especially with your husband. I unfortunately let those challenges distance me from my husband and then felt so alone that I fell into a really dark place and ended up suicidal. Part of what drew me back out was the love and care of those who were so worried about me, There have continued to be a ton of hard moments in my marriage where my husband and I struggled to maintain our bond amidst the incessant demands of dual careers, four young kids, and so many painful life crises. I definitely don't claim to be perfect at this or have it all figured out, but I can sure say that life is always way better when things feel like they are going right in my marriage and things feel horrible anytime they are not, no matter how good or bad things outside the home are. Here are some practical strategies for using oxytocin to boost your motivation, stay on track, and hormone hack your goals. First, get support. Whether it is through a coach, a group, even just one other person. Anyone to do the thing with you, but ideally someone who will regularly check in on you, who cares, who genuinely wants to see you succeed. That will help so much. It is especially crucial that you have a trusted place to turn in your most vulnerable moments when things feel hard, you worry you are the only one. I can promise you you are not, but it takes a group environment to normalize and validate what you are feeling. Second, strive to have a variety of relationships. I am sure you already know that the bond you feel with and for your spouse is different than that of your kids, your parents, fellow mom friends, etc. But each of these types of relationships fills a different type of social need and contributes to your overall emotional well-being. That said, always opt for depth over breadth. It is way more important to have a handful of really deep, meaningful relationships than to have many less frequent, more shallow ones. And yet in this digital age, that's what the preponderance of our relationships tend to be. It's why we love social media. We subconsciously desire connection and think we're going to get it from people commenting on our posts or vice versa. Yet a real common plague in today's society is that our lives are often devoid of real connection. I can't stress enough the importance of genuine connection. Next, really seek out people who share your interests. That commonality naturally promotes bonding and connection. I mean, we are group creatures. You were made to be part of a tribe, to feel like you belong. And if you feel that way, you will feel amazing and do amazing things. But unfortunately, if you don't feel like you belong, or you fear that you are outcast, or you think you have to be a certain way in order to belong, a lot of negative psychological and even physical effects can follow. Fifth tip is that face-to-face interaction is so key. Which, as I'm recording this, makes me laugh because here I am just trying to connect with you using my voice, right? And over this audio format. But even that builds a deeper connection than just seeing something in writing. You might know that more than half of communication is non-verbal. It really does come from physical, facial, and vocal cues. Now, face-to-face interaction doesn't have to be physically in person. Research shows that virtual meetups still evoke that same positive oxytocin response. Similarly, number six is to seek out physical touch with someone you feel safe doing so. The power of co-regulation is a vastly underutilized tool to help you calm your nervous system by being in close proximity to someone else's. As a side note, again, it is often so hard for us moms because we feel so touched out after all the momming and it's really easy to want to be left alone, to not want to get close to your husband, etc. I am obviously not saying that you should do anything out of obligation, but inviting you to consider whether you would really benefit from intimate connection. It doesn't have to be sexual. Just closeness, right? Just touch, just hugging, just cuddling, just being next to your loved one does incredible things by stimulating the release of oxytocin. And if you don't have a person that feels good and safe to be around, that you are comfortable touching and having touch you, research shows that animals can be so helpful and stimulate the same kind of oxytocin response. There really is something to a therapy animal. Tip number seven is to recognize the moments where you feel unattached or even detached and notice what kinds of behaviors you tend to engage in to subconsciously rectify those feelings. While the underlying need for social connection is so important, the reality is that so many of us are often tempted to try to meet that need in superficial or even artificial ways, like scrolling or binging media. I mean, it's crazy how all of this AI and the robots, like, you know, it makes you wonder what is going to happen to connection in the future. But I digress. Then, if positive relationships, deep attachment, and real connection feel like they are missing from your life, really explore why. Can you pinpoint childhood or other experiences that may have created some attachment wounds? You can always book a free call with me and I would be so happy to help you get to the root of these, because whether you are aware of them or not, they are undoubtedly showing up in your everyday life. And, spoiler alert, we all have them in one form or another. no matter how good you think your upbringing was. Alright, that finishes this little mini-series on the two huge hormones that really play into your ability to have good habits, stay consistent, and conquer whatever dreams are on your heart. In the first episode, we talked all about dopamine. Today, we talked all about oxytocin. And I want to remind you that above and beyond these two major players, there are also all of the big female hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and others that fluctuate throughout the month and especially with age. Then of course there is cortisol. I don't have time to delve into it all here, but you can see that each of these hormones combines to produce natural fluctuations in your physical and mental energy throughout the day, week, month, and seasons. I am really on a mission to help every woman understand that there is nothing wrong with you if you are struggling to be productive. There is a very real and hormonal explanation in almost every circumstance. So I love to work with clients to get to the root of that and then of course delve even deeper into the underlying social and emotional components of all of this. Link in the show notes to book a free consult call. I will also include the link to the past episode where I talked more about these different energy rhythms and the female hormones that are responsible for them. I can't say it enough. Hormones are behind everything you do and why you do it or don't do it. Whatever you are trying to do, you have to work with, not against, your hormones or it just won't happen. That's one of the many reasons I created the Moms Making Time Society, to take all of this science-backed wisdom and use it to structure a community that helps busy, overwhelmed moms just like you make yourself a priority so that both you and your family can flourish. Inside The Society, I intentionally curate all the trainings and materials around what is relevant and helpful based on moms' real needs and lives at different times of the year. Every season has a different theme, and each month has its own theme within that. For instance, going into the fall here, we are focused on how to anchor and achieve your goals, but from a place of peace, not pressure. In September, we are focused on grounded goals, how to stay rooted in what really matters. October is dedicated to aligning your intentions with your energy, really delving into those rhythms I talked about. And then November is all about finishing the year with focus, not frenzy. I want you to go into the holiday season. Feeling so good, so calm, and so fulfilled with what you have accomplished in your life. You better believe that everything in My Mom's Making Time Society is built with these different hormones in mind. To help you find that Goldilocks dopamine formula, I provide structure and resources to help you declare your monthly goals, plan your habits, track your progress. You have the anticipation of a new themed PDF workbook arriving on the first of every month, and then wondering what you're going to learn in that month's cutting edge personal development training. You earn gift card rewards. simply for uploading a filled out tracker, which helps incentivize you to do whatever you said you were going to do. You're literally getting paid to make time for yourself. You get daily prompts and weekly check-ins to hold you accountable. Plus, I am there giving you personalized advice and feedback all the time. Your oxytocin boost comes from connecting with amazing, like-minded women all over the world who get exactly what you're going through. They are right there in the trenches with you, offering solidarity, group support, a totally safe space to vent your frustrations, and incredible suggestions to help you overcome whatever challenges you're facing. Our community is hosted entirely off social media and I just love seeing the way our members support and connect with one another. I feel so honored to lead this group and we would love for you to join us. Check out the link to join in the show notes. Your homework for this episode is to choose two or more ways recommended to boost your oxytocin so you can feel more close and bonded to the people around you. Join me back next Tuesday for another episode where we continue to unpack the root causes of stress that are keeping you stuck and overwhelmed so you can overcome them and be better equipped to deal with them in a more healthy, productive way the next time they arise. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day.