More Time for Mom

Why You Never Change: The Neuroscience of Staying Stuck

• Dr. Amber Curtis • Episode 44

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In this first episode of the new year, I’m naming the real reason so many women—especially high-achieving, overwhelmed moms—set goals every January but still end up quickly reverting back to old patterns. Even when you want change. Even when you know what to do. Even when you’re deeply dissatisfied with where you are. It all comes down to your nervous system and the subconscious beliefs that your brain relies on to keep you safe.

I also offer a series of alternative perspectives on the classic excuses women use as justifications for why investing in the tools and support that will help you change isn’t possible for them. This episode is confronting, but in the most kind and loving way.

 

 BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

  • How EVERY goal triggers stress because change requires time, energy, risk, and often money
  • Why your brain defaults to its normal patterns and, worse, relies on unhealthy coping mechanisms to soothe the discomfort of your failed attempts to change
  • How nervous system work isn’t fluff; it’s THE missing link between desire and action. (Spoiler alert: Mindset work will never be enough!)
  • Why you can’t expect new results until you become someone who has the neurological capacity to overcome your limiting beliefs
  • Why investing in support often feels impossible, unnecessary, unsafe (but is the KEY to transformation because you can’t outthink your own brain by yourself)

 

AS MENTIONED:

1) FREE LIVE masterclass: “Why Plans, Habits, & Goals Backfire – and What You REALLY Need for a Successful 2026” on Tuesday, January 6th at 1pm Eastern with replay included; sign up at https://solutionsforsimplicity.myflodesk.com/backfire

 

2) When you start healing at the level of your nervous system, your whole home feels the difference. Join my new 6-week program, Moms Made NewTM, to learn the six most fundamental life coaching skills EVERY mom needs so stress no longer sabotages you—or your relationships. First round starts Friday, January 16th; sign up at https://momsmadenew.com

 

3) Prior podcast episodes on “How to Hormone Hack Your Goals”

 

HOMEWORK:

Consider whether the be

Loving this podcast? Please help it get found by more listeners by taking quick minute to leave a rating & review in Apple Podcasts. Take a screenshot of your text review before you submit it, then email that to help@solutionsforsimplicity.com and I'll send you my powerful Happy Mom Protocol™ (a $297 value) FOR FREE!


CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

When your old beliefs are what's kept you safe your whole life, your nervous system literally doesn't have the capacity to choose anything different. Every new thought, even if you cognitively see that as the truth, At a neurological level, your brain is going to subconsciously reject it and offer you all kinds of counterpoints and excuses to keep you from taking action. That is so normal, but it is the root of the problem as to why you never actually change. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. How is it 2026 already? Welcome to the first episode of the new year. I have a million things I can't wait to talk to you about in future podcast episodes. And I know I've left you hanging with the many things that I have teased and previewed in previous episodes, like how we're going to get into eldest daughter syndrome, and so much more on high-functioning anxiety, on attachment styles, on generational wounds, and how all of that trauma is unknowingly showing up in how you handle all of your current stress, and especially your parenting. But I really want to take this opportunity to talk about the elephant in the room, which is the new year, new year's goals, new year's resolutions, and a real deep life assessment of where you are versus where you want to be and where you thought you would be at this point. I hope you and your family had the most wonderful Christmas. As I kept sharing on my email list and even mentioned a little in this podcast, I had some moments over Christmas break where I really had to manage my mind and talk myself down off the ledge, kind of going crazy with the kids' home, all the unstructured chaos, everybody out of routine, so many sibling fights. House was a wreck and I was just itching to think about my goals for the new year and really just get into the work that is so big on my heart. But I couldn't, right? Because I had my little ones here and I wanted to take time off. But I probably, like you, have a brain that just doesn't quit. I can't turn it off even when I want to have time off. So now my kids are back at school. Today is the official first day back and I am breathing that big sigh of relief. And now is the time to have this big conversation about goals and how you're approaching the new year. I will be the first to admit that I have spent three plus decades of my life being that person that was so hyper-focused on goals, on personal growth, on finding the perfect strategy and making the perfect plan and just devouring every single morsel of personal development information I could find in order to try and make myself quote-unquote better. All of that really culminated in some amazing breakthroughs last year that have fundamentally changed the way I will think about my life from here on out, especially thinking about plans and goals. If you are listening to this podcast right away when it releases on Tuesday morning, there will still be a few hours left to sign up for the free masterclass I am running on why goals and plans only backfire and what you really need for success instead. So check out the link in the description. Of course, the replay will be sent out for everyone who signs up. And I will try and make that available here on the podcast at some point as well because what I'm going to share in that masterclass is everything I just wish I knew years ago when I used to spend so much time meticulously planning out my year and picking out the perfect word of the year and then breaking my goals down bit by bit to try and make them more tractionable. I have accomplished incredible things over the last few years, but it is not at all because of those strategies that I was using. All of the big changes, all of the shifts, all of the growth came from what I am going to teach you in this free masterclass. So definitely sign up if you are hearing this in time, sign up for the replay if not, and then stay tuned because this information is so powerful. It is of course also all leading up to the launch of my brand new six week life coaching program that starts on January 16th. It's called Moms Made New and this is something that's been on my heart for years but I finally have like the perfect set of what I know every mom needs. These coaching tools that I have been giving my one-on-one clients for a long time, but I have been able to then refine and distill down into the six most important things every mom needs to know in order to combat your stress so it doesn't sabotage you or your relationships any longer. More info about that in the description as well. But I really want to take today to step back and just offer some alternative thoughts for you to try on for 2026. Trigger warning that some of these things might feel very confrontational. It's going to be a tough love kind of episode where I really want to speak the truth even though it can be hard to hear. But I know that these are the things I needed to hear and they have, in fact, resulted in me making huge, unbelievable changes in a relatively short amount of time. So I just can't help but want to offer them to you as well. I promise I am not calling anyone out. This is not about any one person in particular or even any group of people. These are just recurring problems that I see that I encounter on the regular with the women that reach out for consults with me. And they are certainly all, you know, issues or beliefs that I held myself not that long ago. But I really want to offer you huge perspective shifts. that will hopefully enable you to start having some of the breakthroughs that have made such a difference for me. And they really all come down to this idea of change. We want change, right? We so often get overwhelmed with our current life. You know, it grates on us. We love so much about it and we know we should be so grateful for our blessings, but It is stressful and oftentimes the same problems keep coming up again and again. We might have some people in our life that we have recurring issues with or that we are constantly fighting and butting heads with. You might find yourself in the same kind of situation over and over. Or maybe you do set goals and try and change and instill new habits, but you always end up falling short and falling back to your default, right? Whatever that is, it's like you want to be different, you want things to be better, but you always end up reverting back to what is the normal that keeps you stuck and frustrated. Please know you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. But this is exactly why you need the tools I'm going to teach you. Your brain will always keep offering you the exact same thoughts that it has used your entire life to keep you safe. And so many of these thoughts, these beliefs that we have, we're not even aware of because they are just the constant inner dialogue that we take for granted. I always have these amazing women reach out and then list off a whole litany of things that they are struggling with in their life. And then when I offer them some tangible solutions, not surprising, but just so common that the brain's first reaction is to reject the new information and return back to the same old excuses of, I don't have time, I don't have money. I'm too busy. There are all these reasons why I can't do this or why it wouldn't work for me. A lot of times, again, women aren't necessarily saying those kinds of things overtly, but those false beliefs are couched in excuses like, I want to wait and do this down the road when I have more money or when I have more time or when my kids are squared away and I'll really be able to focus. Only you know your exact situation and I absolutely honor whatever that is. It is so true that different seasons of life have very different levels of responsibility and therefore capacity and I know better than anyone how hard it is to make that time for yourself and to invest in yourself when you are trying to be the most devoted wife and mom at home. But here's what I also know. Putting yourself on the back burner doesn't help those you love. It actually really hurts them. The best thing we can do, not just for ourselves, but for our families, is really take our own growth seriously. And do the uncomfortable things. Do the things you've never done. Do the things that you don't think are right in this moment, precisely because of the excuses your brain is offering you. It's never a matter of finding the time. It's a matter of making the time. There are always, always ways that you can do that, even though it is difficult. Maybe it's about finding another mom that can watch your kids and you can trade off to free each other up. Maybe it's about having to have that difficult conversation with your husband so that you have the time to do what you want. When money is the issue, please know I get it. Oh my gosh, you will never know the financial hardship that I have had in the past, okay? So I'm saying this with so much love and with all the gentleness that I can. When we say we don't have money, what we are saying is that we aren't worth it and that we don't see enough of the value in the result that the thing we would invest in offers in order to Find a way to make it happen. When you say that now isn't a good time because you're going to have kids around and you don't think you'll be able to focus or you have a standing appointment during the time that maybe a program would have a live call or something. Again, like I get it, but also what you're really saying is that you don't see the value that you would get out of the material, out of just getting the replays and going through it on your own. And maybe the problem is that you don't trust yourself to go through it on your own, right? That you need and want the camaraderie and the support and the accountability that comes with the live format. But please remember that all of these are choices and there is no right or wrong choice. There is only the choice that you make right. We can't have both our excuses and the results that we want. You can absolutely have legitimate reasons why something isn't right for you in this moment, But you don't get to make them excuses. If you really want the thing badly enough, you will find a way to make it happen. This mindset shift typically only happens when the pain of staying where you are becomes greater than the pain of making a change. Because change is painful. It is uncomfortable. It is inconvenient. It is an investment. It is about doing something different. But remember that whatever you're not changing, you are choosing. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. You can't expect the results that you desire unless you are willing to change. And that's where I love to help you because none of this is your fault. None of this is your direct intentional doing. What's really happening behind the scenes, right? In your nervous system, in your brain is that, yes, you want the result. You want the change, but your brain has used your limiting beliefs to keep you safe your entire life. Every new thought, every new belief, every counterpoint to the limiting belief that you have is going to automatically get rejected by your brain because it's going to feel threatening. It's going to trigger a stress response in your body, subconsciously or maybe even consciously, but your nervous system is going to go on high alert. When I say that if you're not willing to find the money or find the time, you can absolutely perceive that as a personal attack. But what's really happening is that your brain has used lack of time and lack of money as the main ways that it has kept you safe in other ways for so long. You're repeating the messages that were probably drilled into you from a young age at home or through other authority figures. So every new thought, even if it's a good one, even if you want to believe it, even if you cognitively see that as the truth, At a neurological level, your brain is going to subconsciously reject it and feel threatened and therefore offer you all kinds of counterpoints and excuses to keep you from taking action, to keep you from changing. So here is what this means for goals. You're going to set a goal. You're going to dream big. Or maybe you have been burned so many times by setting big goals that you'll even try and set something more realistic. But every time you experience discomfort in the pursuit of your goal, You're going to want to quit. You're going to fall off track. And then your brain is going to tell you, oh, you failed. You're no good. This is so worthless. Why did you even try? And you're not going to trust yourself. You will not have any evidence to support your desires. And then it's just going to reinforce your old identity and keep you reaching for more things that sabotage your success because you get dopamine from the coping mechanisms you use to take away the discomfort of having, quote unquote, failed on your goal. So again, I'm going to elaborate on this a million times more in my free masterclass on Tuesday, January 6th at 1 p.m. Eastern. Link in the description to either join live or get the replay. The other big factor that's going on here, as I've spoken about in a previous podcast episode, which I will link below, is the fact that your brain runs on two primary hormones. dopamine, which is that pleasure reward hormone, and oxytocin, which is the love or bonding hormone. The stark reality is that all of us get the vast majority of dopamine from anticipation, from setting the goal, from thinking about the goal, from dreaming about the results. And then when it actually comes time to do the things that you need to do to get the goal, You feel miserable. It's uncomfortable. It's not fun. It is the opposite of dopamine. And your brain is like, yeah, we're not doing this. And then you go and you sabotage. For oxytocin, going after your goals is often lonely, especially if what you are trying to do is something that you don't think others really understand or support or you haven't seen people like you making it possible and proving that there is a way. You don't have a clear model of success in front of you. It's going to make you worry that you are isolating yourself, that you are disconnecting yourself from the tribe if you were to actually achieve the result that you want. There's so much going on at a neurological, hormonal, and physiological level here. This is what I work with my one-on-one clients with in such greater detail because every single nervous system is ultimately unique. There is no overarching one-size-fits-all pattern here. I often speak in the generalities of the typical person and the typical experiences of overwhelmed moms. but they may or may not perfectly map onto your unique situation. That's where one-on-one coaching can be so enlightening. We can really get to the heart of your personal situation. To recap, Your brain is so good at what it does, but it is designed to keep you safe and keep you in the same place. Every new dream, every goal, every new potential identity is perceived as a threat because it will require discomfort. It will take energy. It will take time. it will likely take a financial investment. And all of that feels threatening to your brain. That is so normal, it's so common, but it is the root of the problem as to why you never actually change. When your old beliefs are what's kept you safe your whole life, your nervous system literally doesn't have the capacity to choose anything different. That's where I come in. That's what I help with. I help you understand your brain and body so that you can break free of these vicious cycles and really achieve the changes and the results that you want. You just have to make the choice that it's worth it, no matter how valid your excuses seem. I want to say it again. There is no right choice. There is only the choice that you make right. You just have to choose that something is worth it, even though it's hard, even though it's uncomfortable. Remember, I am not calling you out here. I evaded these hard truths myself for years. It was only a year ago. that I really started to see how I was struggling to change my mindset and then got all kinds of help and certification to realize how the nervous system works and how that is at the root of what's holding you back from everything you want. When I started working with my nervous system to really understand it and to re-pattern it for safety and capacity, Then I was able to tolerate the discomfort and to make the time, find the money, make the investment, do the hard things that have gotten me the most amazing results. Like we're talking lose 25 pounds, have my highest ever revenue year, feel more close and connected with my husband than I have in years and so much more. I want that for you if that's what you want for yourself. No matter what you want, these tools are so profound. They are so helpful. And I want to get them in the hands of every single woman. So help me spread the word. You can again sign up for my Mom's Made New program using the link in the description. We start Friday, January 16th. It is six weeks of super transformative, powerful group coaching sessions. At the end of it, you are seriously going to feel like a whole new person. You will have unlocked a version of yourself that the current you cannot even conceive of. Because I could not have conceived a year ago of this version I am today, of what I have been able to do and how I feel in my body and in my marriage and in my parenting and all of it because of the nervous system and capacity work that I have done over the last year. That is never to say I have things all figured out. I just want to bring you on this journey and everything I learn, I share with you. So come and join me. Don't let time be an excuse. Even if you can't attend the calls live, you will get lifetime access to the replays to watch as fits your schedule and then revisit the material anytime you want. If you don't have coverage for your kids, that's okay. It's never going to be perfect. Yes, it would be ideal if you had this time exclusively for you and your attention wasn't going to be divided between you and your kids. But again, don't wait until someday. thinking that it's going to be perfect down the road, because you know as well as I do that that never comes. There is always something that stands in your way, always some obstacle you'll need to overcome. And you are so capable of doing that. This is so worth it, even if you have kids around, or even if you can't make the live call times. Lastly, I have striven to make this price so accessible for every mom because I am so convicted, so passionate that every mom needs these tools. There are a variety of payment plans available to really try and fit every budget and I do just want to put it out there that I have priced this first round so crazy low, it will definitely be significantly more expensive the next time I run this program, which will probably be sometime in the fall. But again, it's still going to be so worth it then, just as it's so worth it now. You just have to believe that you are worth the investment and that you are capable of making the time, of finding a way to come up with the money. And if all of that is really still a struggle, Please, please, please reach out to me on Instagram, through email, through the link in the show notes. Let me know what's standing between you and doing this program, if it's something that is really on your heart, because I really want to help make it possible for you. I want to share a couple examples of how I finally overcame some of my limiting beliefs and found the time, found the money. Before I ever invested in one-on-one coaching myself, I used to have this very devious belief that I should do it all myself. And it was masking as pride, right, that I had always been able to just apply myself and figure out how to make things happen. But I realized, or rather a coach helped me see, that I had this belief that if I paid for help or if I couldn't figure it all out myself, then I was somehow weak and worthless. When in reality, I was then spending so much time, so much time away from my family, so much more money so much more energy, so much blood, sweat and tears trying to do it all myself instead of just fast tracking my success by paying someone who knew so much more than I did to get me the result faster. So then when I did start investing in coaching, there was one coach that was offering a week long challenge that was going to be two hour calls every single day of the week. I initially wasn't going to do it because I was supposed to work and I knew I couldn't make the live call times. I finally thought about it and realized I wanted to learn the material. So I got to the point where I knew The hundreds of dollars investment was worth it even if I couldn't be there live. But then once I signed up, I thought a little bit more about it and I realized that I wanted to be there. I wanted to do this for me and I wanted to get the most out of it. So I went ahead and I used my paid time off. I actually rearranged my work schedule. in order to free up my time to attend this online challenge live every day. One of the days, I still had a kid home unexpectedly sick, and, you know, I just, I did the best I could. I rolled with the punches, but I made it happen. And I will forever be grateful to that program because it was so helpful and it totally changed my perspective. But that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't decided to invest in the program, even though I didn't think I could make the live calls. Then another coaching program I wanted to invest in, I didn't immediately have the money for, but she was offering a payment program as I do on all of my programs as well. And for some reason, I had had this prior limiting belief that I should pay for the whole thing in full because you usually get a little bit of a discount when you do. I realized I was using those few hundred extra dollars that I would pay over the split up payments as an all or nothing kind of mentality that would prevent me from getting the result that I wanted. And so I signed up for the program, doing the payment plans, paying more than I would have if I could have paid in full. And I'm so glad I did, right? It was another huge stepping stone to increasing transformation. It's funny how once you start investing in yourself, you realize how helpful it is and how much it does fast track your success. And you see other opportunities that you just have to be a part of. You know you have to be there. So in 2025, I came across this five-figure coaching program that I knew was what I needed. And I had spent years working with and following this coach, and I just knew she was the one for me. This was the next step of my journey. But I didn't have that money sitting in hand. So I talked it over with my husband, and he was the one that actually offered a solution. We realized that we had some investment money that we could withdraw, shift some things around, basically that I could take a loan and then I would pay it back later. That was a solution that my brain wouldn't necessarily have thought of, but that's what we did. And I'm in the program and I just can't rave about it enough. So these are just a few examples where I know it can still feel out of reach for you, or it might be a situation where you think, yeah, nice for you. But I promise I am not bragging. Everything I am doing is so possible for you and I'm on such a mission to help. I am so here with and for you. I am waiting to help you, waiting to be there, waiting to guide you into the next version of yourself in 2026 or beyond, whenever it feels right for you. All right. Think about it. Reach out with questions. Just a little bit longer to sign up for this first round of Moms Made New It's going to be amazing and I want you there. I would love, love, love to support you and to see where you go. Join me back next Tuesday for another episode unpacking the hidden sources of your stress that are stealing your time and joy. I could not be more excited for everything we're going to cover here this year. Thank you for being part of my journey, and I can't wait to see where we go together. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.