You’re Carrying Everyone…But Who’s Carrying YOU? (For Overwhelmed Moms)

You’re overwhelmed, exhausted, and constantly stressed…but if you don’t carry the load, who will? It’s HEAVY. And yet so many moms refuse to let themselves be supported in the way that actually matters.

After 6+ years of coaching (coupled with my own dark past), I’ve seen what happens when moms wish things were easier but never take meaningful action to get help to make them better. In this episode, I offer solidarity with all the hardworking moms who have built their identity around being the strong, responsible one that fulfills everyone else’s needs. I then share the hard-to-hear truth that trying to DIY only increases your frustration—to the great detriment of your marriage and motherhood. There’s such a better way! 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• The real problem isn’t your to-do list; it’s the belief that you have to carry the weight of it all alone.
• Burnout happens when your identity gets tied to what you do for everyone else.
• Stress builds not because life is hard, but because you’re unsupported—and the fastest, most effective way to fix that.
• Most “self-care” is a just a superficial band-aid that never addresses the root issue.
• Why trying to get your partner to pitch in and lighten the load of your overwhelm often creates more conflict, not less.
• Plus the top SEVEN excuses moms give for refusing support!

FOR SO MUCH MORE:

Relevant past episodes on how your capacity varies predictably with your body's natural energy rhythms: 

• Why Everything Always Feels SO Hard: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2471152/episodes/17148493
• 3 Things You Need MORE than Time: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2471152/episodes/17193724

Join the next round of Moms Made NewTM so stress no longer sabotages you—or your relationships: https://momsmadenew.com 

Book a free consult with Dr. Amber 1:1: https://tidycal.com/solutionsforsimplicity/free-consult)

HOMEWORK:

Brainstorm the specific things you would like more help with, then reach out to me via email or DM me on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity to explore what getting that support would look and feel like. 

COMING UP NEXT:

Join me back next Tuesday at 5am Eastern for a powerful interview revealing the real reason your weight loss and diet efforts always fail.

Loving this podcast? Please help it get found by more listeners by taking quick minute to leave a rating & review in Apple Podcasts. Take a screenshot of your text review before you submit it, then email that to help@solutionsforsimplicity.com and I'll send you my powerful Happy Mom Protocol™ (a $297 value) FOR FREE!

CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn 

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

Transcript

0:00

You carry the weight of the world for your family. The question is, who's carrying you? Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. At the time of this recording, it is mid-May, otherwise known as Mayhem or Maycember. After Christmastime, it is hands down the busiest, most stressful time of the year for moms. You are juggling end-of-year projects, spirit days, final exams, field day, spring concerts, sports competitions, award ceremonies, teacher appreciation gifts, class parties, graduations, lining up summer activities, switching winter clothes out for warm weather ones. The list goes on and on. It's no wonder you are losing your mind. Behind every task is not just the logistical demand, but the emotional heaviness. You love your family. You want to get it right. It feels like everything is riding on your shoulders. Some days you are superwoman and you surprise yourself with how much you can do and how effortless it feels. I will drop a link in the show notes to a previous podcast episode where I delve into your body's natural energy rhythms and how your fluctuating capacity really affects how much you can handle at any given time and how well you handle it at that. Other days, maybe the majority of days, you feel like that ancient Greek mythological figure Sisyphus who was endlessly pushing a boulder up a hill only for it to topple back down over and over again. Except, unlike Sisyphus, you didn't ever do anything wrong to deserve the heavy boulder in the first place. If you're anything like me, then all your life, you've had no choice but to carry the load. For as long as you can remember, you have been the strong one, responsible, dependable, helpful, caring, compassionate, the one who shoves your own needs aside so you don't inconvenience anyone else. You have so selflessly taken on the hard work so others don't have to. And you love your family so much. But man, it is a lot sometimes. And in motherhood, there is no break. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who has family living nearby or a bunch of extra help, but I don't and that has been an ongoing pain point for years, over a decade. Just once, it would be nice if someone, anyone could share the invisible load without needing direction and supervision and follow-up, like really take it off your plate. The bad news is that no one will ever truly appreciate all you do. Nor will anyone ever fully relieve you of it. They just can't. But the great news is that life gets a million times easier when you stop expecting them to. When you stop waiting for that fairy godmother or knight in shining armor or anyone else to come and rescue you and realize you have to help yourself. That doesn't mean you keep doing it all. It means you resource yourself with people who have gone before you, who know the weight you're carrying. It's first and foremost a mental battle, and that's what I love helping you win. You don't need your to-do list to disappear. You need the weight of it to lift. But hear me when I say, it's not going to lift on its own. Sadly, time is not going to make it better. Time is just going to make you more aggravated because the cumulative weight is going to keep building. The pressure is going to keep rising, and you will get crushed. Ask me how I know, especially in your perimenopausal years when hormones are changing and the world no longer makes sense. It's at this time that you also might start reflecting back or learning about how your childhood wasn't what you thought it was and has really set you up for so much more hardship than you should have had. I speak with so many women who have reached this proverbial tipping point. They have just had it, and usually it is that straw that breaks the camel's back. Where you've been doing so much for so long that you don't even realize the extent to which your whole identity is wrapped up in what you do for everyone else. You've put your needs and desires and dreams on the back burner for so long that you don't even know who you are apart from the roles that you fill. When you even start to ask that very question, who am I apart from what I do and apart from how I fulfill everyone else's needs, you probably immediately feel a stress response come up in your body. Your brain doesn't want to answer that question because it's so big and deep. I get it. I have been here. I am still going through all of this myself. But I really see things so differently now. And the main thing that started to make a difference for me was when I stopped thinking I had to do it all myself. For so many years, I wanted to be the person that didn't need any help, didn't need any outside support, didn't need, let alone want to hear suggestions from other people. But at some point, you just crack. I'm here to tell you that's not a bad thing. It's actually so beautiful and so freeing. But when you're used to being the one who handles it all and handles it perfectly, it starts to feel like a major identity crisis the moment you can't handle it anymore. Or maybe you stop wanting to handle it. You start feeling all this resentment, maybe even rage, building up inside of you. because you haven't wanted to speak out or ask for help before. So many women think that they'll just go and get their nails done or their hair done or go treat themselves to a spa day. You've heard me talk about my dream, which is to have a night or a weekend away in a hotel by myself. But the reality is that as wonderful as each of those things might be, they are just like putting a band-aid on a wound. They're not getting to the root of the problem, which is that you have taken on this false belief that your needs don't matter, or at least not as much as everyone else's. You've probably built your whole identity around being the person that swoops in and fixes things when others are having a problem. You work so hard to keep the peace and make everybody else happy. You don't realize how you've defined yourself on the basis of how well everyone else is doing. At some point, you have this wake-up moment where you realize that everyone else doing well has come at the cost of your wellness, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, or all the above. For many women, the first reaction is feeling stuck, because realizing that you don't love the way things have been is one thing, but actually admitting that you want things to change and be different is another. What feels even more daunting is the how you might go about making changes and the uncertainty of whether it's really going to make a difference. I am here to assure you that it will. The biggest question you have to ask yourself is that if you are the one carrying the weight of your family, then who is carrying you? Who is that safe space that you can go and pour your heart out to? Who will listen without judgment, without bias, without jumping in to solve your problems, but just let you be in your feelings? Who is there to offer solidarity? Who is there to help you see a way forward when you can't see it yourself? Who is there to normalize what you are going through so you don't feel like the only one and you definitely don't think anything is wrong with you? I guarantee you it is not. It's just that you have been bottling up so much for so long, and no one has been taking care of you the way that you are taking care of everyone else. That is what I am here for. As a certified, trauma-informed, neurosomatic life coach, behavioral science professor, and mom of four, I get it. I have been where you are, and I am still an ongoing work in progress. But I'm telling you, the tools that I will teach you to understand your brain and body like never before are not just going to help you put everything in a whole new perspective. They are going to equip you with the skills you need to work with instead of against your nervous system so that stress no longer sabotages you or your relationships. If you don't let someone support you in this, then you will just keep butting your head up against that brick wall and wondering why things never change. The reality is that our brains only know what they know, and they are biased against seeing the big, deep things that are your default. It really does take an outside perspective to be able to gently guide you in the direction of the real powerful questions that help it all make sense. I sincerely hope that you have lots of people in your life who do rally behind you and who do help lighten your load. But in my experience and after working with so many women, I find that those people closest to you are just not able to really do this in the most effective way. They love you too much and they get too stressed out anytime you are the slightest bit uncomfortable. We already know your pattern is to mask your discomfort because it's making them uncomfortable. Whereas when you hire a coach, there is nothing that you could say or do that I can't handle. I promise. It's my job to help you see how to create your own happiness, how to be your own advocate, How to cultivate such self-love and self-trust that you know you've got your own back, no matter what anyone else says, thinks, or does. It is an incredibly tense time, and everyone is running on fumes. No one is their best self when they are stressed. But so many high-functioning, high-achieving women have trained themselves not to even let on that they are struggling. Except our husbands and our kids are so perceptive, especially your children, right? They know when you are stressed. Whether you are verbalizing it or not, they can feel when you are on edge. They can feel when you're upset. They can feel when you have closed yourself off and are emotionally unavailable to them because you are so consumed with all you are doing, even if what you are consumed with is for them. They don't know that. They can't understand why all of these things that, to them, are so fun or no big deal, why it's stressing you out. They just know that something is wrong with you. And if you don't have someone like a coach who is carrying you along, and you can talk to them anytime and get their help in real time, then you're just going to keep bottling up all your stress until it explodes. Again, ask me how I know. You're not just managing all these things to do, you're managing the emotions of everyone else in your household. You are picking up on their silent cues you feel in your body when they are anxious or upset. I know that your deepest desire is to make everything better for them. But I'm telling you, the way that you do that is by taking care of yourself, or really, by letting someone else take care of you. The best way to do that is to get outside support from someone who doesn't know you, who isn't already part of your inner circle. who doesn't have this long-standing history with you and know ways that they can twist things or manipulate things to get what they want. Someone who isn't even the slightest bit out for their own benefit, but is only invested in you and your well-being. For so many years, I was adamant that I didn't need any help. I was determined to do it all myself. Then I started wanting help, and I especially wanted it from my husband. As amazing as he is and as much as he does, I have come to see how not just unrealistic, but unfair those expectations I placed upon him were. It really created a lot of conflict in our marriage because I was turning into that bitter, nagging wife that was constantly obsessing over how much I felt I was doing versus him and I was keeping score and then I was getting so upset when he would have things to do and wouldn't be doing what I thought he should be doing in that moment. I realized that I was falling into the trap of basically trying to parent him, of treating him like another child and wishing he would just do everything my way and follow my orders and thinking that would solve all our problems, when in reality, it was repelling him. Not only did it make him significantly less likely to want to help, But it was a lose-lose situation because no matter how much he did, he felt like I was never satisfied. It was never enough. About three years ago is when I finally invested in my first coach. And I could not believe the difference that it made. The way that she was able to open my eyes and help me see things in ways that I never would have seen before. She did not hold back from saying the hard truths that I needed to hear. Even when it felt confronting, I knew it was right. The more I continued on this journey, the more I let my coach support me and help me to lighten my load. the easier everything in my life got. And more importantly, the better I felt because I wasn't keeping it all bottled up. I wasn't living with this constant stress anymore. I knew I had an outlet. Not a week has gone by since then that I have not had a coach. I have invested in several for all kinds of reasons and I will never not have a coach ever again because I have seen how it is the most valuable thing I can do to help myself and then how that spills over and benefits everyone else around me. That's what I want for you. You don't have to carry this weight alone. You just have to let someone support you. I would be so honored if it is me. If you have been listening to this podcast for a while and the episodes continuously resonate with you, if you're on my email list and what I offer appeals to you, then please book a free consult and let's just have a conversation about what support could look like. How it will fundamentally change not just your life, but your family's life. There are so many reasons why women are so afraid to get help. Number one is that we deny we need it. Number two is that we think asking for help makes us weak. I am here to tell you that it actually makes you brilliant, but I know that's not what my former self used to believe. Number three is that we think we should be able to figure it all out by ourself, and then we just use lack of time as the reason we haven't. You're already so strapped for time. The last thing you have time for is to step back and do all this research and sort through all the noise and then figure out what is actually going to work. Number four is we're afraid of the judgment we think the person we ask for help might have towards us when we admit all that we're struggling with. Number five is that we're not sure if it would actually work for us. I mean, sure, lots of other people have had great success, but would that really be the case for us? Maybe we don't trust ourselves to follow through and do the work. The most common thought is that even if we want help, we think now isn't the right time. We're convinced that we better wait and get this other stuff sorted out first. Then, once things settle down, maybe we'll look into it. Last but not least, this deserves a whole podcast on its own, but so many women feel guilty spending time and money on themselves, especially if they might work inside the home and not bring in an income of their own. Our human brain has been conditioned to think that something is too expensive. Yes, maybe there is a cost involved, but what is the cost of not getting help and continuing to do things as you always have? You know where that is going to end up. And I can sure vouch for the dark, dark place that led me. If you have let any of these reasons, especially the last one, be the reason that you haven't gotten support, please reach out and let's talk. There are sometimes legitimate reasons why getting help isn't available in that moment, but you don't want to close yourself off to help altogether. One of my favorite sayings came from Tiffany Wicks, who is one of my many coaches, and I interviewed her here on this podcast several months ago, but she flat out said, you can have reasons, you cannot have excuses. And I think so often we do. We conflate the two. We believe our brain, when it lists off all these reasons we can't do something, instead of looking deeper at whether those are actually true, and then stepping into the identity of someone who figures it out and gets the help you need, even if it's not a great time, even if it's expensive, Even if others don't quite understand, we can't continue to let ourselves feel burnt out and exhausted and overwhelmed from doing it all when help is available and we are just not accepting it. Now, while I am clearly focusing on the value of having a coach, I want to underscore that resourcing yourself is about allowing people to support you in any and every way that you need. Maybe it's finding a way to get some housecleaning help, or some more childcare coverage, or some ways to simplify meals. Maybe it's getting carpooling help. Maybe it's about investing in a program that's going to finally help your child sleep through the night so that you can get more consistent sleep. Maybe it's about getting a gym membership that includes child care so that you can go and have a couple hours and put the kids in child watch even if you just want to sit in a lounge chair and read instead of work out. Maybe it's speaking with your boss to get more flexible work arrangements. Maybe it's actually using your paid time off, even just for mental health days where you can stay home and decompress without guilt. I am telling you, everything changes when you let others support you. I cannot begin to do justice to how much better my life has been ever since I've had a coach after 40 plus years of doing it all myself. Now I just look back and shake my head, thinking, why did I ever wait? If I'm honest, there have been a lot of tears as I've realized what failing to get help and let myself be supported has actually cost my kids and my marriage. I have no doubt that things would have been so much better, so much sooner if I had just been willing to admit that I wanted more. That I wanted help, that I wanted a coach, and I had been willing to invest instead of being so determined to find all the answers myself. Again, I know this is a super busy, super stressful time of year. The last thing I am trying to do is lay another stressful thing on top of you or make you feel like you are in any way not doing enough, not doing it right. My only goal is to gently put on your radar that you deserve more. Whether I am that person that you want to help support you or not, please know that there is support out there. You just have to go get it. And while I know that you need to decompress and you're hoping to unwind this summer, I want to offer that that's precisely why this is the perfect time to get help. As crazy as it can be with kids home and all kinds of summer activities or travel plans, this is the time to lay the groundwork for what comes next. For all the back-to-school busyness, for the end-of-the-year craziness, there is never going to be a perfect time. You just have to decide that you don't want to keep doing life the hard way. You are not going to do life without support any longer. Your homework for this episode is to brainstorm the specific things you would like more help with, and then reach out to me or someone else in order to explore what getting that support would look and feel like. Join me back next episode where we are going to shift gears slightly and talk about that summer body image, why weight loss and physical health might feel like such a losing battle. I have a special guest who is going to help you understand the mind drama you have around your weight and your diet like never before. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day and don't forget to use the link in the show notes to book your free consult. I know more than anyone how precious your time is So the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe. And if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.