More Time for Mom

The Words That Are Secretly Sabotaging Your Goals

• Dr. Amber Curtis • Episode 68

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What if the way you phrase your goals and intentions is precisely what makes them feel farther away than ever? In this episode, I unpack how the typical words you use around your goals end up keeping you stuck and frustrated.

Drawing on neuroscience, psychology, and nervous system research, I share one of the simplest yet most powerful brain hacks you can use to stop self-sabotage and finally start achieving the life you want.

If you've been feeling frustrated by your lack of progress, discouraged at your lack of motivation, and overwhelmed by the gap between where you are and where you want to be, then implement this simple science-backed strategy immediately for an instant mindset shift.

This episode will fundamentally change the way you think about goals—and yourself!

 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

  • How your nervous system responds to the language you use
  • Why “I’m going to…” reinforces procrastination
  • How confirmation and disconfirmation bias shape your brain’s decisions
  • The difference between future-focused and identity-focused goals
  • A simple mindset shift that makes taking action feel easier
  • The easiest way to build momentum starting today

 

OTHER MUST-LISTEN EPISODES:

 

FOR SO MUCH MORE:

 

HOMEWORK:

Reach out to me via email or on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity to let me know how you’re going to use this advice to reframe one of your goals. 

 

COMING UP NEXT:

Join me back next Tuesday at 5am Eastern to keep unpacking the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy.


CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn 

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

Your brain loves the chance for a fresh start. But do not be fooled. You do not have to wait for one of those big traditional days to start with these changes. You start now, right this moment, simply by changing the way you say what you want and what you are doing to get it. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. If you are frustrated with where you are at with your goals or how things are going in your life and relationships, this episode is for you. I have such a simple tweak that you can implement immediately that is going to shift everything. I have made previous episodes on the power of words, especially the power of that vicious inner critic and the power your words have over creating what will become your child's inner voice I've also spoken on the importance of speaking kindly to yourself before embarking on something like a weight loss journey because the body will never change from a place of shame. I will link other relevant prior episodes in the show notes, but there is so much more to discuss here. I have been speaking with so many women lately who are feeling so discouraged and stuck in their lives. and for understandable reasons. One of those is that at the time of this recording, it is mid-July. You might be feeling dead in the water with kids home and still a month or so to go until they start back to school. You might feel like the first half of the year has already flown by and you've done nothing or very little towards your goals. You might feel like what you want depends on other people changing or other people's approval. There are all kinds of layers here. And, as always, I so invite you to use the link in the show notes to reach out to book a free 60-minute consult with me so that we can talk more about your personal situation. But the inspiration for this episode came over the weekend where I was talking with a really great friend who shared that she feels really disheartened about the state of her body, that some of her blood work had come back a little concerning. She said that she really wants to double down on getting her health under control. The way she said it in the moment is, I just need to be better about my diet. I just need to exercise more. I'm going to do that. I'm going to start. I gently pointed out to her that the way she is phrasing that goal is going to continue to produce the exact same self-sabotaging result. And here is why. The brain does not hear the thing that you ultimately want. It hears the verb that is attached. Every time you say, I'm going to do something, I have to do something, I will do something, I need to do something, any of these variations all cue your brain to fixate on the action. More specifically, the time frame associated with the verb. What the brain hears in each of those instances is that in this present moment, all it needs to do is plan, prep, think ahead about doing it down the road. So the action that is required today is to keep postponing the thing that you want. And then that is what the brain does. The brain is trying to protect you. It is trying to give you what it thinks you want. And if you tell it that you're going to do something down the road, then it says, great, check. We will do it down the road and our job today is finished. We can celebrate that we did what we were supposed to do today, which is not do the thing that we are going to do some other time. I want you to find your own example here of something that you really want to attain, some way that you really want to be, and then say aloud this series of statements for whatever it is you want. Attaching the prefix is, I am going to or I will dot dot dot. For a financial goal, you might say, I want to make $100,000, or I want to buy this fancy new purse, or I want to save up for a vacation. In the case of relationships or parenting, you might say, I want to be a better mom. I am going to plan more date nights with my husband. I am going to be more patient. I am going to be more loving. I am going to initiate things with my husband more frequently. Whatever it is for you. Again, pause. What do you feel in your body, in your gut, in the pit of your stomach when you say the phrase that way? A lot of times, we simply feel relief because it feels safe to think about doing that thing down the road, but we might have a lot of fear or dread about doing it in the present moment. We might feel a lot of resistance because we imagine that it's going to be really hard. Whether that is true or not, the language is tricking your brain, and then your brain feels satisfied by just continuing to hold space in your mind for the potential of doing that thing someday. There is nothing in what you said that makes the brain feel urgency, let alone importance, to do it now. I have to really highlight this some more. Whatever feeling comes up for you when you say that statement, you're going to have a whole subconscious reaction to that feeling. None of us wants to willingly take on discomfort. The brain and the nervous system are 100% primed against that. So having that feeling come up in your body, when you think of doing the thing that you want to do, makes your body feel terrible, which makes you spiral into a stress response. where now not just the thought but the feeling that has been created in your body produces something that your whole nervous system wants to escape. It has to get you out of it. It perceives a threat. And so it is just doing its job by helping you do anything but what you really want. Do you see how that works? What I offered to this friend is that we have to fundamentally change how you are thinking about and saying that thing in this very moment. Instead of saying, I am going to get my health under control, say something like, I am losing weight. I am strong and healthy. Those might not sound like very big shifts, but I promise you the feeling they create in your body is so different. Try it for yourself. I would be willing to bet you feel so empowered, so good, so proud of yourself. And then those positive feelings create more motivation and desire to take the actions that will help you achieve the actual results. Furthermore, recall the timing issue. When you say, I will or I am going to, The brain hears that that's something to do down the road. When you say, I am, or you already phrase what you want as if it's already happened, like, I am an amazing mother, then the brain has to work really hard right this moment to find evidence that that is true and to inspire you to take the actions that make it true. Because the brain cannot stand what we call cognitive dissonance. All of this is because of two inherent biases that every brain has. The first is confirmation bias, where your brain will always look for something to confirm what you already know and believe and hold true. It wants that congruency. It needs everything around you to look and feel like what you already feel safe in. This simultaneously feeds into disconfirmation bias, where any time new, different, or opposing information is presented to your brain, it will automatically discount the validity of that new information, because think about it, if that thing were true, and it goes against what you already know and believe to be true, then nothing could be trusted, right? Everything is threatening and scary because your brain doesn't know what to trust. So it creates this very particular schema or worldview that is unique to you and your brain and your nervous system as a way of trying to assess what does and doesn't fit within your existing beliefs. Anytime something threatens your beliefs, your brain will look for ways to disprove that and then keep yourself in congruence with the truths that it holds so dearly. The brain wants to make sure that everything you think, feel, and believe are in alignment, that they all point towards the same truth. If what you are currently doing does not match up with the result you are telling your brain you have already achieved or you are working towards, then the brain gets set in motion to find solutions. Find things it can offer you to make that happen, to make that true. This is such a small shift, but it is incredibly important, and it is so powerful. It is scientifically proven to help you get more of what you want. And this is not woo-woo out there, manifestation stuff. That is not me at all. I do not have anything to do with that space. I want to teach you real neuroscience-backed tips for working with your brain and body to create the life you desire. You deserve everything that you dream of, and little things like this can actually go so far towards helping you achieve that. Even better, once you start to feel good in your body just from the way that you phrased the statement, then the results will start to snowball because you will always be chasing more of that good, empowered feeling instead of trying to run away from a bad feeling in your body that makes you desperate to find something to numb or to cope or dissociate from that horrible feeling. Do not sit on this advice. Do not let another month go by and hold this arbitrary date in your mind where you will make changes once school starts back or the calendar year turns over or you have your next birthday. Your brain loves the chance for a fresh start. But do not be fooled. You do not have to wait for one of those big traditional days to start with these changes. You start now, right this moment, simply by changing the way you say what you want and what you are doing to get it. Your homework for this episode is to try this for yourself. I know you're super busy right now. And always, this is something that you can easily integrate right this moment simply by changing your thoughts about what you want when it is going to happen, or rather that it is already happening, and what actions you are already taking to get there. If you want help with this, reach out to me at Solutions for Simplicity on Instagram so that we can have a deeper conversation. That link to book a free consult is always in the show notes, along with the link to email me if you have any questions whatsoever. Join me back next week for another episode unpacking even more of the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.