Two Frogs Talkin'

TFT Episode 3: Too Good to Be True

• Not Quite Right Goods • Season 1 • Episode 3

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🎙 Episode 3: Too Good to Be True

You know that moment when something seems just a little too perfect? Yeah—this episode lives there.

Shelly shares a wild tale from the California desert, where an ambitious restoration project turns larger-than-life in more ways than one. Archie spins a story about a slick-talking stranger and a so-called miracle fix that works a little too well. As always, the truth is flexible—and the fallout is worth the telling.

Also in this episode:

  • Reflections on idealism, disappointment, and the warning signs we tend to ignore
  • Porch philosophy from George Carlin and a wise old farmer
  • One unexpected mascot, one chaotic sneeze, and one mysterious crate


đź’¬ Listener Vote:

Which tale tugged hardest on your “should’ve known better” nerve? Vote at notquiterightgoods.com/pages/two-frogs-talking or @notquiterightgoods on Instagram.


🛍 This Week’s Tee:

From Shelly’s Stick Figure series: “Oops. I accidentally watered my plants.”

A perfect fit for overgrown dreams and well-meaning mistakes.



Shelly:

Okay. I'm ready to go. When? Ralph, Ralph. Ralph? No. Come back here. No. Come. Ralph. Oh man. That smells.

Archie:

Oh, oh. Oh dear. Um, alright. I, I guess we're, uh, we're not starting yet. I'll just, uh, hold tight while she handles whatever that was. Maybe we can play some, uh, interlude music. Yeah. Or I could tell some jokes. Let's see. Uh, uh, what's, uh. Well, you know, I think we just got all this, honestly, it's all fine with me. Yeah. You know, um, Ralph's got a good heart, big heart. He, he just forgets his training every now and then, which is kind of funny when you think about it.'cause uh, you know, Shelly minored in animal behavior and uh, now she runs a whole dog grooming and boarding business. Uh, you'd think that dog would be walking in the straight line with a resume by now, but nope. He's got energy like a busted sprinkler and, uh, the instincts of a possum on espresso. So, picture that. Still, he's, uh, he's loyal and he means well, which honestly. That's all any of us can hope for.

Shelly:

Oh, oh, okay. Where were we? Okay, I'm back. I'm back. You won't believe this.

Archie:

Alright. Welcome back.

Shelly:

He had a dead duck, a whole actual dead duck in his mouth. He dragged it through the dog door.

Archie:

Uh, where did he get a duck from?

Shelly:

They come from the estuary. This time of year to make nests, but not usually in my yard. My yard's the size of a postage stamp and it doesn't have a pool. They like pools.

Archie:

Did Ralph? Uh,

Shelly:

No. I don't know what caused it demise, but it's been Okay. long dead, and Ralph was not happy about giving it up.

Archie:

Oops. So you had to wrestle a dead decaying duck from Ralph?

Shelly:

Oh, no, no. He, he took it to the couch and he was lying beside it.

Archie:

Oh. Like when he gets a new toy?

Shelly:

Exactly like that. But new toys don't smell like that did.

Archie:

Was it bad?

Shelly:

Oh god, it's horrendous. I think he wallowed all over it before bringing it inside.

Archie:

Oh no.

Shelly:

I've locked him in the bathroom and until I can give him a bath.

Archie:

Did you wanna just go ahead and take care of that now? We can always circle No,

Shelly:

I cannot deal with it right now. The couch is going to need a cleaning too.

Archie:

Okay. You see now this is why I don't have pets, okay? Don't get me wrong. I love animals in all forms, but, but taking care of a thing is a responsibility I don't want. Especially cleaning up after.

Shelly:

Well right now I am definitely rethinking my decisions.

Archie:

Alright, well, hey, take a deep breath. All right. If you need to, whoosah saw and all that. If we're in no rush to start.

Shelly:

Well, I don't wanna take a breath too deep. There are dead duck particles everywhere.

Archie:

Alright, well in, in that case, you might wanna pull out a face mask. Maybe just a little air filtration.

Shelly:

Oh, well that might mess with the audio. I shut the kitchen door and I sprayed a ton of air freshener in here. It smells like I'm sitting in a lavender field.

Archie:

Well, all right. Sounds like you got it in hand. Yeah. Oh, you know, this reminds me of the time when, when, uh, Ralph, he was just a pup and he got too close to that skunk that wandered across your path.

Shelly:

Oh. It wasn't just Ralph that got skunked. It was me too. Oh, poor thing. That skunk. It was just sitting there minding its own business and we come around the bend and scared to death. Ralph shoots ahead of me on the leash before I can stop him and got full force in the face. I was a bit back luckily, but a gust of winds decided to happen exactly at that moment. And wafted a cloud of skunk musk right towards me. Thank God for DoorDash. I didn't have to go out shopping. I mean, could you imagine?

Archie:

Nope. Nope. But uh, I bet you wouldn't have had to have stood on any lines.

Shelly:

Why?

Archie:

Uh,'cause your new perfume would've cleared'em all out as it was. I bet that was some, some order.

Shelly:

I'm sure that Dasher was very confused to see an order of 10 bottles of tomato juice and industrial sized hydrogen peroxide. To this day, I can't drink tomato juice. It's all tied up into skunk smell.

Archie:

Hmm. I, I can see how that would be an unpleasant olfactory memory.

Shelly:

That is an understatement.

Archie:

Yeah, well, uh, should we kick things off now that Ralph is in a secure location?

Shelly:

Okay, sounds good. Hi there. I'm Shelly.

Archie:

And I'm Archie.

Shelly:

And this is, and

Archie:

this is Two Frogs

Shelly:

Frogs. Talking,

Archie:

Talking,

Shelly:

one part telling and tales one part talking life. All parts,

Archie:

all parts.

Shelly:

A bit,

Archie:

a bit,

Shelly:

not,

Archie:

not quite, quite right.

Shelly:

Okay. Before we get into the stories, we've got some light housekeeping to do.

Archie:

Yeah, that's right. First off, I have gone first the last two episodes,

Shelly:

which wasn't a plan, it just sorta happened.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. But going forward, we're switching it up. Shelly's got first dibs on the tale telling today.

Shelly:

Also, if you ever thought, wow, this podcast feels weirdly organized. It's not us. That's Miley, our producer.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. We submit our stories and quotes based on the theme she's pulled out of a hat. And she gives us a little script each week. It helps us with the pacing and making sure we remember to mention the merch, and it keeps us from spinning off into tangents about vintage soda machines and all that. Oops. Yeah, well point is she keeps us in line and crafts the closing lines so everything ties in.

Shelly:

We are not fast enough on our feet for that.

Archie:

Nope. Aspirations.

Shelly:

Alright, housekeeping, done. You ready for a story?

Archie:

Uh, first we, we gotta tell folks the theme for this week.

Shelly:

Yep. It's right there in the script. Skipped right over it. Mm-hmm. Sorry. Arch.

Archie:

Yeah. I believe that's called, uh, stepping on my lines.

Shelly:

Stepped right over them.

Archie:

Yeah, it's all right. We can go back. Folks, today's theme is too Good to be True." Shelly's up first.

Shelly:

Should I read my line or just jump into it?

Archie:

Beats me.

Shelly:

I think I'll just start.

Archie:

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hit, hit me.

Shelly:

So I joined this desert restoration group a couple of falls ago, even though I had some misgivings, well, actually I had a lot of misgivings.

Archie:

Well, that's, uh, not usual for you.

Shelly:

No, but this time I feel like I earned them. I mean, she, Ann, the group's leader, she tells people she's Paul Bunyan's great grandniece like with a straight face. Like it's, it's a resume credential.

Archie:

That, that, that's ambitious. Yeah.

Shelly:

Right.

Archie:

Hmm.

Shelly:

I figured it was like branding or something, like calling yourself a Viking to sell beard oil. But she meant it. She said it like she expected a salute.

Archie:

Hmm.

Shelly:

And then there was the storytelling.

Archie:

Oh no.

Shelly:

Every time I asked a simple question, I got a saga. I called to ask what time we were supposed to arrive, and she launched into this whole thing about how a road runner once led her to a buried shovel, forged from meteorite fragments.

Archie:

All that, just to say eight o'clock.

Shelly:

Exactly. I didn't even get a straight answer about lunch, just a tale, about a rattlesnake that cooked its own eggs on a hot rock. I started to wonder if I was joining a science-based group or an improv troupe with sunhats.

Archie:

So you went anyway.

Shelly:

I did, my friend convinced me, said the niece was weird, but legit. That she got results and, and the work they did really helped the desert. And I mean, she was organized. She had maps, schedules, everything was color coded. But also there was a tortoise, a giant tortoise, which she casually referred to as her field assistant.

Archie:

Uhhuh. Well, I mean, Paul Bunyan had his ox.

Shelly:

Uh, it's a good point.

Archie:

Well, how about before you delve into your story, you tell the folks who don't know about Paul Bunyan or, or those who may need a bit of brushing up about him.

Shelly:

Okay, so Paul Bunyan's this giant lumberjack from American folklore, like giant, giant. He made the Grand Canyon, dragging his ax behind him. Had a blue ox named Babe that was the size of a mountain range. He was known for solving big problems by being well bigger. Need a force cleared. Paul could do it before breakfast. Need a lake, he'd make one by sweating a mosquito. He's basically the tall tale blueprint for go big or go home."

Archie:

That sounds about right, but I'm curious about the lake being the result of an errant swat.

Shelly:

Okay, well, Ann told me that Paul once made a lake by accident swatting a mosquito the size of a barrel. Apparently it bit him right on the neck while he was trying to dam up a river, and he swatted so hard he hit the ground with his open palm and left a crater the size of a county. Two hours later, the river rerouted itself and filled it right up. Ann said it's still there to this day, just sitting there in the shape of Paul's hand.

Archie:

I don't know what's wilder, a mosquito the size of a barrel, or the fact that Ann said it like it was on a map.

Shelly:

Now imagine someone claiming to be related to that.

Archie:

It's a bit of a stretch, I admit.

Shelly:

On top of her turning everything into a story.

Archie:

Uh, well now let's not be too harsh about storytelling. I, I know a couple of beings who do just that.

Shelly:

Okay. I like to tell a good tale. That's true. But short of this podcast and the front porch, I try to keep my storytelling in check.

Archie:

I'm just saying, don't begrudge a person a good story.

Shelly:

And I'm saying there's a time and a place. I mean, she's worse than Uncle Frank when he gets you cornered.

Archie:

Oh, okay. Well now, now I see. I mean, if she's got your cornered, did she at least tell you anything good?

Shelly:

I'm trying to get the details for this meetup. Hmm. And she starts in on how a tortoise saved her from her brush fire once. Tortoise. She said it bulldozed through the flames with a wet blanket on its shell. Came out of nowhere and has been with her ever since.

Archie:

I can't imagine the picking up you'd have to do after a giant tortoise.

Shelly:

I know. And I thought she was just trying to sound epic. I mean, the scale of what she was proposing and the giant tortoise as our mobility unit and brush assistance sounded too good to be true.

Archie:

Why'd you go then?

Shelly:

I figured if this weird, enthusiastic group could make a dent and desert erosion and have a tortoise mascot, I'd be lucky to be a part of it. So I looked past the mistimed folklore and all the big talk and signed up. The day of the project. We're out near the Mojave digging rain channels and planting drought tolerant grasses. She shows up riding a giant tortoise.

Archie:

You're joking.

Shelly:

I wish this thing was the size of a four wheeler. She rolls up like it's completely normal. Hands everyone, these shovel hybrid tools that were basically snowboards with handles.

Archie:

Does it have a name? The tortoise?

Shelly:

Yeah. Tank.

Archie:

That seems appropriate.

Shelly:

Mm-hmm. The first day went great.

Archie:

Mm-hmm.

Shelly:

Tank hauled, gear cleared, brush, boosted morale, just like Anne said he would. Everyone was enthusiastic, working hard, even Ann, and she turned out to be really with it as promised. She was organized, motivational, hardworking.

Archie:

So first impressions aren't always the right impression.

Shelly:

You've got me there. Anyway, the first day goes without a hitch. Then disaster struck on the second day.

Archie:

Lemme guess. Tortoise related.

Shelly:

Yep. Mm-hmm. All of us were gathered at the mess tent getting breakfast. I'm standing there with coffee in one hand, waiting my turn for the oatmeal, and that's when it happened. Tank. Sneezed loud. Sounded like a tire popping hard. We all jumped. Some of us even dropped what we were holding.

Archie:

That startled. Huh?

Shelly:

More than startled. I said it was like a tire popping. But that's the closest thing I can think of. I mean, I've never heard anything like it or as loud. It came close to damaging eardrums. Lord. But hurt hearing was the least of our problems.

Archie:

Oh, no.

Shelly:

Tank managed, with the force of its sneeze, to knock over the supply tent and scatter anything that was inside of it, which included most of our water supply.

Archie:

Oh, well that's one way to call it a day.

Shelly:

Plus the sneeze wasn't a dry one.

Archie:

Oh Lord. A wet sneeze.

Shelly:

Very, everything was covered with tortoise mucus.

Archie:

Oh, now that's a sight to imagine.

Shelly:

Yeah, it was pretty slimy. Nothing was salvageable. I'm just glad Tank was pointed in the direction of the supply tent, not the mess tent. Things could have turned out a lot differently.

Archie:

You mean there were no contingencies for, uh, tortoise born disasters.

Shelly:

None.

Archie:

Huh? You know, I, I wonder, uh, how hard tortoise mucus is to wipe off.

Shelly:

I didn't stick around to find out.

Archie:

Oh,

Shelly:

I decided that was my cue to tap out. Okay. I left early, sunburned thirsty and deeply troubled, but before I left Ann handed me a patch with a picture of tank that said,"Plant Big, or Go Home

Archie:

A little something to commemorate your experience.

Shelly:

It's on my bulletin board next to a bumper sticker that says"Do Less Bad." Mm-hmm. I don't know why, but they feel like they go together.

Archie:

All right. So Tank wasn't too good to be true. You saw'em with your own eyes. So, uh, what's the connection to the theme?

Shelly:

The promise of what Tank could do combined with the scale of the plans. It sounded wild, but purposeful. I don't know. Maybe the scale was the purpose? Either way. It was all too good to be true. I mean, Tank was the kind of solution that made people start clapping before they could even think it through. I mean, really, you should have seen the mess.

Archie:

I gotta say, Shelly, I, I'm kind of surprised you didn't stay to help clean up.

Shelly:

It would've been a nice thing to do, but there were plenty of hands to help out, and the work we were doing was canceled. I made sure I wasn't needed before I headed out.

Archie:

I just didn't want the listeners to get the wrong impression.

Shelly:

Well, I appreciate that. I think that sometimes too many helpers can get in the way of the doing.

Archie:

Well, you're not wrong about that. Hey, you remember that summer when maw maw's dock got taken out by some yahoo on the river back before she moved in with Uncle Frank and Aunt Evelyn?

Shelly:

Oh yeah. Oh, I missed that incident. Yeah, but I was there for the rebuilding.

Archie:

So was the whole family course, and everyone wanted to help.

Shelly:

And everybody, well the adults, had their own idea how best to get things done.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. I remember waiting around to be told what to do while the grownups debated whose way was the best way.

Shelly:

Then we got bored and the adults got distracted and

Archie:

Billie wasn't there.

Shelly:

Yeah. To keep us in check.

Archie:

Well, yeah, I don't know. It, I, I think it made, it might have also happened if, if Billy. Were there. I mean, he could get a wild hair up his butt every so often.

Shelly:

Yeah. That he could.

Archie:

Right.

Shelly:

But I do think he would've seen our plan for the disaster It was before we put it into action.

Archie:

Yeah. You mean racing down the hill to the river and two old tires that were supposed to be swings, but no one got around to putting them up. Oh, that was a fantastic idea.

Shelly:

Until Dylan hit the water and couldn't unfold himself out of the tire. He had jammed his gangly 13-year-old body all tight up in there.

Archie:

Yeah, well see. We didn't plan on the tire rolling once it hit the river. We thought it'd just come to a stop once it hit.

Shelly:

I mean, momentum is a thing.

Archie:

Yeah. Well, luckily I got tossed outta my tire'cause I, I was a lot smaller than Dylan, remember. I was only 11. Mm-hmm. And, uh, oh, I, I, I do remember I was able to get to him and hold him up before he sank.

Shelly:

Whew.

Archie:

Mm-hmm.

Shelly:

Man, did we hear it for that stunt.

Archie:

Oh, yes.

Shelly:

Oh, and the punishment. No. Unsupervised free time. The whole visit. It seems so excessive.

Archie:

Yeah. Well now, you know, they were probably more scared than angry. I, I think the thought of losing another young one sent them into hysterics.

Shelly:

Well, of course it did, but at the time, it seemed so over the top. When I got old enough to know better, the memory played out a bit differently.

Archie:

Yeah, I, I think everything landed a bit differently after Billy's crash. I mean, there's definitely a, a before time when the, the grownups seemed looser and content to let us just be kids. And then there was an after time when the, uh, rains got a little tighter.

Shelly:

Hmm. Maw-maw did make things better that day. Or tried.

Archie:

Oh. Oh, the lemonade.

Shelly:

Oh, she handed poor Dylan a big old glass of it to settle his nerves. Yeah. And he took that big old swig.

Archie:

Right? And then he spit it right out all over maw-maw. You remember the look on his face.

Shelly:

Uncle Frank was infuriated at him for soaking her with lemonade, but she was laughing.

Archie:

And we couldn't figure out why until she said, oh, of course the boy spit it out. I must have made it with salt instead of sugar. Tastes like the ocean with a twisted lemon, twisted a lemon.

Shelly:

I can still see her standing on the porch, the front of her soaked. And Dylan looking even more cowed than when he was pulled from the river.

Archie:

Yeah. You know what, Dylan always would take little taster sips of his drink before going full in after that lesson learned.

Shelly:

A lesson learned. Yeah. Oh man. And another family story. Oh yeah. Maybe we should actually get around to your story.

Archie:

Mm.

Shelly:

Are you ready to share your tale

Archie:

week? I'm, I am indeed.

Shelly:

Then go for it.

Archie:

Alright. Alright, now I picture this, it's about 10 years back, right early spring and this, uh, smooth talking fella, he rolls into town in a powder blue camper van that has solutions for the sole hand painted on the side of it.

Shelly:

Well, I didn't know that souls needed solutions, but okay.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. He had this silver mustache and a briefcase full of tiny bottles, and he had the kind of voice that could make you think, you know, maybe I should be buying pine scented foot bomb at this gas station.

Shelly:

So he could sell water to the ocean.

Archie:

Exactly. Yeah. Now those little bottles, he had contained what he called rev oil. He said it fixed engines, broken locks, back pain, dry sinuses even fixed one bad neighbor's attitude.

Shelly:

Wait like one oil for everything.

Archie:

For everything. You could put it in your truck or your teapot and wouldn't, you know, it actually worked and folks were amazed. I even tried it on Betsy, and lemme tell you, she stopped coughing and she ran quieter than I'd heard in years. It was like she'd been given a spa day.

Shelly:

Well, that sounds excellent, but I'm guessing it doesn't stay that way.

Archie:

And you'd be right. You see things started working too well. Ceiling fans turned into wind tunnels. Drills, little hand drills, ran with such force that you'd run the risk of drilling a hole to China. How about this, garage doors open with such ease that they hit the back of the track and reversed course to close again.

Shelly:

It's that momentum thing again.

Archie:

Yeah. And there's more. Okay. Washing machines, they spin so fast, they lifted it off the ground during the spin cycle. Screen doors became so efficient that they slammed shut before a person could walk through. Rocking chairs, they rocked nonstop, but they didn't squeak. Mm-hmm. And that's just what happened to folks in town. Wait till you hear about what happened to the town.

Shelly:

I'm a little concerned for everyone's safety.

Archie:

Yeah, that's reasonable. Considering what folks were experiencing.

Shelly:

What happened to the town?

Archie:

Well, for one. The community gardens overran its plot and started taking over the elementary school playground. Town vending machines, shot out drinks at all hours. The church bell rang whenever anyone told to lie in a three mile radius. And traffic lights, well, they shined so bright, folks couldn't look directly at them, which I'll tell you isn't helpful at all.

Shelly:

Mm. So the miracle became a menace.

Archie:

Pretty much. Yeah. And just when the mayhem hit full force, the salesman vanished. No warning, no refund policy. Just a note inside a wooden crate that appeared outside town hall. It said,"caution apply only if you want what you think you want."

Shelly:

That sounds ominous. And also oddly deep.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. I, I held on to one of those unopened bottles. It's still sitting on my shelf. I figure one day I'll need to fix something or, uh, to grow a tomato plant that fights back.

Shelly:

I wonder if that salesman still roams the highways pedaling his magic oils and mysterious crates.

Archie:

Well, if he does, I hope he's got a new tagline. You know, something like,"you'll love it until you don't."

Shelly:

Yeah."Solutions for the soul" doesn't really ring very true.

Archie:

Uhuh. We needed solutions for the problems the oil created, but another lesson learned.

Shelly:

I hope so. All right, well, from Desert Tortoises to supercharged tomato plants, I think we've covered the full range of"too good to be true."

Archie:

Mm-hmm. Moral of the story, if something shows up looking shiny and effortless, there's probably a giant reptile or a cursed bottle of oil involved.

Shelly:

Or both.

Archie:

Better hope not both. Think of the mucus.

Shelly:

Archie.

Archie:

I'm just saying.

Shelly:

And now we're gonna move on. It's quote time.

Archie:

Alright, quote time. Something to stir the pot while it's still hot. What do you have for Shell?

Shelly:

Well, I've brought one from a modern philosopher, George Carlin.

Archie:

Uh, wasn't he a comedian?

Shelly:

Yeah. But also deeply philosophical. Beneath the humor and subversiveness, he had some nuggets. One of them was:"inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist."

Archie:

Now, why'd you choose that one? I wouldn't call you cynical or disappointed.

Shelly:

Well, I mean, I walked away feeling a bit disappointed and I certainly idealized the situation, which set me up for cynicism.

Archie:

But you still feel that way?

Shelly:

No, I, I see the experience for what it was, a beautiful idea with a giant tortoise sized flaw.

Archie:

Well, all right. My, my quote for today is, uh, from an old farmer, I, I knew once who said,"if a miracle shows up uninvited, check your valuables."

Shelly:

Okay. Well, that farmer is spot on. Was he around for the snake oil salesman?

Archie:

No, I think he was the only one in town trying to warn folks.

Shelly:

Oh. Like Cassandra, being able to tell the future, but being doomed to not being believed.

Archie:

An ancient Greek reference.

Shelly:

Well, we, classical studies majors are known to toss those around every now and then.

Archie:

It always takes me a little bit by surprise when you drop one of those. But in a good way, man, those ancient Greeks sure could tell a tale.

Shelly:

You're not wrong about that.

Archie:

Hmm. And I like to think so can we. So what do you think, listeners? Now it's your turn to weigh in. Who told the taller tale? Head over to our Instagram poll and vote. But uh, give us a few minutes to get the poll posted. You'll find us at not quite right

Shelly:

whose tail hit hardest for you? Was it Archie with his mysterious miracle oil and high efficiency chaos,

Archie:

or Shelly in her tortoise riding trench digging? Possibly mythical project leader.

Shelly:

And if you want to grab a bit of nonsense guaranteed to lighten your mood, head over to not quite right goods.com.

Archie:

Uh, this week's merch pick comes from the Stick Figure Collection in honor of Shelly's desert experience. It says,"oops, I accidentally watered my plants."

Shelly:

Tank tanks certainly accidentally watered the desert, but it was more of an oil slick than a watering.

Archie:

Ooh. You know, I wonder if there's any nutritional element to tortoise snot.

Shelly:

Arch. Ugh, gross.

Archie:

I gross. What if it was good for the desert plants?

Shelly:

I can't even with you and the mucus. Thanks again to Miley for keeping us mostly on track this week.

Archie:

And to Ralph for the, uh, cold open material.

Shelly:

Wait did Miley add that while we were recording.

Archie:

I think she must have.

Shelly:

I guess we're keeping it in.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. Seems like it.

Shelly:

Well. Thanks for sitting with us a while. Mm-hmm.

Archie:

Yeah. You're always welcome on the porch for two.

Shelly:

Two

Archie:

Frogs.

Shelly:

Frogs.

Archie:

Talking.

Shelly:

Talking. Bye. Bye.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Archie Fields

Host
Head Shot

Shelly Smith

Host