Two Frogs Talkin'

TFT Episode 7: You Can't Teach Sense

• Not Quite Right Goods • Season 1 • Episode 7

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🎙 Episode 7: Bad Decisions with Good Intentions
Some choices are heartfelt. Others are... herb-scented mistakes waiting to happen.

This week, Archie shares a family story from Baldwin County, where Pops faced down a machine and proved that stubbornness might just be a superpower. Meanwhile, Shelly learns that not every plant swap is what it seems—and that labeling matters, especially when your backyard starts to smell like a soap factory.

Also in this episode:

  • Porch philosophy from Will Rogers and Mark Twain
  • Hammer-swinging pride, mislabeled good intentions, and live action frogger
  • Ralph starts a surprise home improvement project


đź’¬ Listener Vote:
Which tale took the scenic route to disaster? Vote at notquiterightgoods.com/pages/two-frogs-talking or on Instagram @notquiterightgoods.

🛍 This Week’s Tee:
From the Southern Sayings collection: “Ain’t got the sense God gave a goose.”
Wear it when your confidence writes checks your hindsight wouldn’t cash.

Archie:

You, you know what really gets in my crawl space?

Shelly:

I don't, but I bet we're about to find out.

Archie:

Yes ma'am. You are. It really gets my goat when a body doesn't return the cart to the cart corral. I mean, how hard is it to walk an extra 20 steps? They're there for a reason and and it's not just to decorate a parking lot.

Shelly:

No, they are not decorations.

Archie:

Well, there are some folks walking around who obviously haven't figured that out yet. I walk outta the grocery store just in time to see a wayward cart roll from where it was abandoned, right into my Betsy.

Shelly:

Oh no. Is Betsy okay?

Archie:

Oh, she'll be fine. Nothing to good buff and shine can't handle, but that's not the point. The point is folks being so lazy, or self-absorbed or, or both that they can't use the thing designed to keep order and safety.

Shelly:

Well, what if there's a reason behind leaving the cart or the whatever, like one that's not obvious and the person made a one-off choice between putting a cart away and i, I don't know.

Archie:

No, that's right. You don't know.'cause there ain't no good reason to just leave her cart.

Shelly:

Her kid's having a meltdown and, and time is of the essence. She doesn't want to leave the kid screaming in the car for the time it would take to return the cart and the kid's embarrassing her. And everyone is staring like,"Lady, get that kid under control. What's wrong with you?" So the cart gets abandoned while she speeds away before too much judgment can be hurled at her.

Archie:

This sounds like more than a hypothetical.

Shelly:

Well, remember how I nannied during college. I only worked for that one family and they were great. I don't know what had gotten into the youngest one that day. She was about three and a half. Mm-hmm. I think probably just overtired. I mean, she had missed her nap and I had to take her to the store while her brother was at soccer to pick up a couple of things for dinner.

Archie:

Well, that, that sounds like a lot.

Shelly:

Well, people do it every day.

Archie:

Well, it, it still doesn't make it not a lot.

Shelly:

Well, I think folks might appreciate that perspective.

Archie:

I'm just calling it as I see it. Well, now what caused the show?

Shelly:

She wanted something, I don't even remember what, but I wouldn't let her have it, cue meltdown. It was all I could do to get her back in the cart into the car. Legs and arms were flying. I'm surprised I didn't get clipped by an elbow. So yeah, I left the cart in the parking space and I probably left some item in the wrong aisle too.

Archie:

Okay, see now that's another one that really gets me. All right. Folks who leave whatever grocery item that they don't want in whatever aisle that they come to that decision. I mean, nobody wants to be met with a warming package of ground chuck in the paper towel section.

Shelly:

Sounds like you had an experience at Win Dixie this morning.

Archie:

That I did all right. That I did, and don't even get me started on them self checkouts. It does not save time. It gives the illusion to saving time'cause you're doing the work instead of standing and waiting. But in truth, you're still, you still end up waiting. Either you're behind, someone struggling to scan a bag of frozen peas or, or for the one line with an actual breathing soul running it.

Shelly:

I'm usually the one struggling to scan the frozen peas.

Archie:

Well, you and everyone else, but it doesn't stop'em. I mean, at this rate, the store's gonna stop stocking shelves altogether and hand us clipboards so we can pick items ourselves from the warehouse. Experience driven shopping. No, you mark my words. You're laughing, but you'll see.

Shelly:

Well, I'm marking your words. They are marked. Mm-hmm. Is that all or is there more you need to unload?

Archie:

Well, I could go into how in the middle of the night the store decides it needs to rearrange everything, so we all spend more money. Only result being I wander around twice as long trying to find the bread, but I won't.

Shelly:

Whoa. That is such self-restraint.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. It's one of my strengths. Instead, I'll tell you what happened next at the hardware store. Mm-hmm.

Shelly:

You are on one today. Okay. But shoot, but before you start, why don't we tell these folks who we are and what we are doing?

Archie:

Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, that's, that's probably a good idea.

Shelly:

Okay. I'll start. Hi there, I'm Shelly.

Archie:

And I'm Archie.

Shelly:

Welcome to the porch for Two Frogs Talking.

Archie:

One part telling tales,

Shelly:

one part talking life,

Archie:

all parts a bit not quite right.

Shelly:

Alright, Archie, we've made it through the intro. Indeed and yes, folks before he gets going. We did do that differently. The old way just wasn't working.

Archie:

So why stick with something for the sake of sticking with it?

Shelly:

Agreed. Now. Archie, you had something to say about the hardware store?

Archie:

I do. Okay. Uh, I'm in the line at the hardware store. It's a small one, not the big box kind. And, and lady in front of me has got six cans of paint in her cart. Same color. I know.'cause I leaned in a little to check.

Shelly:

Of course you did.

Archie:

Uhhuh guy behind the counter asks if she wants them to mix the paint or throw in some stirrers. She looks at him like he just asked her to disassemble a transmission.

Shelly:

Uh oh, the vacant stare. Yeah. There's never anything good behind that.

Archie:

She goes,"Wait, you have to mix paint? Can't I just give the tin a little shake when I get home?" I nearly dropped my basket.

Shelly:

I mean, maybe it's not common knowledge that paint separates?

Archie:

I guess, but I not knowing is one thing. It's more the way she reacted. That really got me scratching my head.

Shelly:

Why? What'd she do?

Archie:

Well, when the guy tries explaining how the color settles and the machine mixes it properly, she huffs and says,"Well, excuse me for not knowing paint science."

Shelly:

Ooh, paint science. I didn't know that was a thing.

Archie:

I think it actually may be. Hmm. But what got me was her attitude. Instead of having the sense to recognize when a person's trying to be helpful, she made her ignorance his fault.

Shelly:

Oh. That's the thing about having no sense. The person without it is usually kind of blind to it.

Archie:

Yep. Takes being called out on it like my dad did to me.

Shelly:

When was that?

Archie:

Well, on numerous occasions. But, uh, the one that's most clear is the time my friends dared me to play real life Frogger.

Shelly:

Oh, Archie, tell me you didn't.

Archie:

Yeah, well, I wish I could, but those were my impulsive years and the dare was not to be ignored. At the decided time and place, my buddies and a group of lookie louses gathered on the service road at Airport Boulevard. And uh, I had my discman. Never forget I had the new Pearl Jam album in my ears. You know, Jeremy spoke. Can't you know, you know the one classic? I do. Alright, so that's banging around in my ears. I look left, I look right. And when I went to take a step, I felt a yank up and back away from the city bus barreling right towards me. Oh, I swear I looked both ways before starting to cross and I, I don't know how I didn't see it.

Shelly:

Well, who pulled you back?

Archie:

My dad. See, he'd gotten wind of the whole thing. And well, good thing he got there when he did. I would've been pancaked.

Shelly:

Your poor dad. His heart must have been in his throat. He could have lost another son to a car accident.

Archie:

Yeah. Well, yeah. I didn't really take that into consideration at the time. Later when the realization hit me, well, let's just say it hangs heavy.

Shelly:

I'm sure it does.

Archie:

And I never forget what dad said of all the things he could have said. And you have to imagine him as angry and as red face as he's ever been. He says,"Son. You ain't got the sense God gave a goose." a goose. Okay. I never lived that one down.

Shelly:

Oh, that serves you right.

Archie:

Yeah. Well, kids at school started honking at me. They wouldn't let it alone. I got honked at as I crossed the stage to get my diploma graduation.

Shelly:

How old were you when you attempted Frogger?

Archie:

I was 16 around there. So two good years of honking before we went, all went our separate ways.

Shelly:

Well deserved, in my opinion. I mean, that was a boneheaded thing to try to do.

Archie:

Well, you're not wrong.

Shelly:

I mean, it's right up there with the time you No, no, no, no. Wait, wait. Before I start, before I start?

Archie:

Mm-hmm.

Shelly:

I want to point out that Archie has introduced the theme of today's episode with his Frogger story.

Archie:

That's right. This, this episode's theme is the Southern saying:"ain't got the sense God gave a goose."

Shelly:

And Archie is proving a wealth of material on the subject.

Archie:

Well, I'm always glad to be useful.

Shelly:

Well, before I start the story, folks. There's something, very important you gotta know about Archie.

Archie:

Oh boy, here we go.

Shelly:

And you wouldn't know it by looking at him, but he is a romantic at heart.

Archie:

Alright. Alright. Where are you going with this Shell?

Shelly:

See. He doesn't deny it. Archie would rather watch a rom-com than an action thriller.

Archie:

Alright, now you're giving away all my secrets.

Shelly:

Mm-hmm. When he was around 13. A girl moved into the street and he fell hard for her.

Archie:

So that's where you're going.

Shelly:

Uhhuh. It is.

Archie:

Allison. Allison. No. That was her name. Yeah. She used to pass by her house every weekday on the way to sit for the McMillan kids. But, uh, she didn't ever seem to notice me.

Shelly:

Well, most 15-year-old girls don't want anything to do with 13-year-old boys. Hmm. But. That wasn't gonna stop Archie. He devised a foolproof way to get her attention.

Archie:

Hey, it worked.

Shelly:

Hey, now. Now don't try to get ahead of this.

Archie:

Well, you won't let me.

Shelly:

Nope, I won't because they need to know this. Okay. See, Archie's plan was to jump over three trash cans on his bike while popping a wheelie. And he was going to time this jump for when Allison came walking by.

Archie:

Alright. Now, see, I had this planned for weeks. Uhhuh, I, I had a ramp I borrowed from a buddy of mine who was into skateboarding. I, I had to borrow some trash cans, so I, I chose to do it on the day that, you know, the trash was, went out to the street. Nothing could go wrong.

Shelly:

No, nothing. Not a, not anything at all. Yep. So the big day came. And he lines his cans at the bottom of the driveway, right in the space where the sidewalk intersects it. Archie timed his start, just as Allison was a house away. Their driveway ran steep downhill toward the street, so he was able to build a ton of momentum and he hits the ramp at full speed.

Archie:

Now, I don't know what happened. But what didn't happen was a wheelie. I got thrown over the handlebars and straight into the trash can. The next thing I know, I'm laying over top and overturned garbage pail. I'm covered in garbage and my side feels like it's on fire. I didn't even notice my arm.

Shelly:

But, Allison saw the whole thing and ran over to help.

Archie:

That's right. And you know what? She signed my cast the next day. So mission successful. Oh yeah.

Shelly:

The moral is when it came to Allison, Archie didn't have the sense God gave a goose, and apparently he still doesn't.

Archie:

Hey, you said it yourself. I'm a romantic at heart.

Shelly:

That you are. And that phrase, by the way,"ain't got the sense God gave a goose," it sounds a bit mean, but it's usually said with love or at least a little patience.

Archie:

Bless their hearts. Mm. Are you done using me to make your point?

Shelly:

Yes, for the time being.

Archie:

Good.'cause I got a fellow to talk about today who also had a big heart and a big hammer.

Shelly:

Thor?

Archie:

Thor. No, but that's a good guess. Now I'm talking about John Henry.

Shelly:

Ah,

Archie:

John Henry. Now, I don't know if you remember the story of John Henry, the steel driving man.

Shelly:

He had something to do with railroads.

Archie:

Yes, he was a legend of muscle and willpower, hammering steel to lay down railroad tracks back when this country was stitching itself together with rail ties. See the story goes as a company brings in a steam powered drill to replace the workers. Now, John Henry, not one to be made obsolete, challenges the machine to a contest: man against metal. He grabs his two hammers and he drives steel faster than that machine can blink and wouldn't, you know it, he wins. He beats the drill, but the price is steep. See, his heart gives out from the effort. And he dies with his hammer in his hand. Strongest man alive, but only for so long.

Shelly:

Oh, well that makes me sad and proud all at the same time.

Archie:

Well, it's a tale about grit and dignity, but it's also warning. Huh? Don't be a John Henry. Use your sense. But this sort of thing ain't just the stuff of legend. Something mighty similar happened in our own family.

Shelly:

That's because our family has a running competition against folklore. We don't know who started it. No one seems to wanna end it.

Archie:

That's right. And well, this particular tale centers around William or Pops, or the other half of maw-maw, back when he was in his twenties, still full of vinegar. This was long before he became the steady, gentle guy who kept ice tea in the fridge and tools hung with precision.

Shelly:

I don't know. He still kept some of that vinegar in him though. Remember when he got himself stuck on the roof at 88?

Archie:

Oh, okay. Now that's a good point. I'd almost forgotten about that.

Shelly:

A windstorm had blown all the leaves from the trees and rain was in the forecast. Mm-hmm. So he wanted the gutters clean and he wasn't gonna wait around for someone to get to them.

Archie:

Right. And now out comes the ladder and up he goes up on the roof. Only somehow the ladder gets knocked on over, so he's up there with no way down. Dad found him up there when he came by for his weekly chat. And see, William had been trying everything he could think of to get maw-maw's attention, even stamping out SOS on the ceiling. But she had just gotten a discman and was listening to her tunes and she couldn't hear a thing.

Shelly:

I can just imagine your dad pulling up and you know how it had that peaked roof. Yeah. Well, I imagine Pops on the other side of that thing. So blind to your dad, right as he's pulling in. That's right. And then pops' his head just popping up over the roof line like a Jack in the Box.

Archie:

Well, pops did stay agile from man pushing 90, but dad just about had a heart attack seeing him up there and you know, pops is response,"Well the gutters ain't gonna clean themselves, are they?" Come on.

Shelly:

It's classic pops. Oh yeah. Oh man. Sorry to interrupt, but I had to slide that one in there.

Archie:

No, you're good, you're good. It, it's a good opener to the one I'm fixing to tell.

Shelly:

Oh good.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. So, okay, so this is when Pops was back in his twenties. He was newly wed to maw-maw and working with a small construction crew laying track through a marshy patch down in Baldwin County. Now the job was taken longer than estimated and the company wanted to push things along, so the higher ups had a rep bring out a prototype, steam powered rail pusher."The Hercules," they called it. Brought it on out, down to the site. It is supposed to double the output and cut the need for manual workers. And now some of the men, they were skeptical, started asking questions about this, that, and the other thing. And well, the company rep didn't have any answers'cause the Hercules hadn't been tested in the field yet.

Shelly:

Wait to get this straight. The Hercules hadn't ever been tested.

Archie:

Nope. No, it, it had been tested in the factory where it was built. Oh. And it worked beautifully. So says the rep, but the men point out that the marsh is much different than concrete.

Shelly:

Mm-hmm.

Archie:

And the rep assures everyone that he's been assured that the conditions don't matter. The Hercules performs the same in all conditions.

Shelly:

I see.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. Now pops, he was young and like I said, full of vinegar. He knew the rhythm of the land better than any machine. And when the company rep started boasting about the machine's efficiency Pop s muttered, something like, I could beat it with a butter knife and the flu. Which unfortunately some took as a challenge.

Shelly:

Of course,

Archie:

that's right. So what'd they do? Well, they set up a short course, pops with his manual track pusher and he had a teammate, his buddy Clyde. It was Pops and Clyde versus the Steam Powered Beast and a four man crew.

Shelly:

Well, that seems a bit lopsided,

Archie:

it seems so, doesn't it? But they went for it anyway. So the start and whistle blows and the machine jolts forward with a hiss and a clank and spiting steam. And pops, well, he dug in no wasted motion, just pure rhythm and grit. And wouldn't you know it, the Hercules couldn't handle the wet terrain. Slipped around like a pig on linoleum. The mud got all in, its gears and it stalled out. And, the company rep had more mud on him from having to scoop it outta the machine than there was any mud on the ground by the time the contest was over.

Shelly:

Well, the company rep probably wasn't used to getting his hands dirty.

Archie:

Probably not. And every time the machine stalled, slipped or needed adjusting, pops and Clyde kept gliding forward. Didn't even stop for water. They finished a full rail length before the Hercules cleared half. Those there say, pops didn't even say a word. Just tipped his cap, took a sip of sweet tea from his thermos and walked off like it was just another Thursday.

Shelly:

And that's that. No plaque?

Archie:

Nope, no plaque, no nothing. But maw-maw says that a few weeks later, company man showed up with a toolbox set, engraved with his name. Said it was a token of professional respect. That same toolbox sits in my garage right now. Tools still sharp.

Shelly:

Beside your replenishing toolbox?

Archie:

Oh, no, no, no, no. I I, I keep those ones outta sight to avoid an accident. No, no. Pop Pops tools have a place of honor on one of my display shelves.

Shelly:

I got it. Mm-hmm. So then who didn't have the sense. The company men are Pops and Clyde?

Archie:

Well, it seems like a little bit of both. I mean, the company men brought in a machine ill suited for the work and not the sense to listen to those who knew better and Pops and Clyde for being stubborn and foolish enough to wager against a machine. But it all turned out okay in the end.

Shelly:

I wonder if maw-maw knew about the bet beforehand.

Archie:

My money's on. She didn't.

Shelly:

Why?

Archie:

Because if she'd have known, there wouldn't have been a story.

Shelly:

Well, that is true. She would've shut that down. You're right.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, well, there you have it. My tale is told.

Shelly:

I guess I'm up then.

Archie:

You sure are.

Shelly:

All right then. So when I was about 17, my mom got really into drought tolerant gardening. She'd read some article that said Southern California lawns were going to be a thing of the past. And the next day we were at a community meeting where they were handing out bookmarks with native plant facts.

Archie:

Aunt Dottie was never one for dragging her feet when she got an idea in her head.

Shelly:

No, she wasn't. So naturally she got herself elected co-chair of the Green Thumb Garden Swap, a community event where neighbors traded cuttings and sprouts from their yards, all neatly labeled and potted. Mm-hmm. Well. And most were labeled. Toward the end of the setup, this man wanders in, not anyone we recognized, drops off a tray of little sprouted starters, says something like"they grow fast and they're friendly" and disappears, before we could even ask what that meant.

Archie:

Huh? Friendly sprouts.

Shelly:

Right? Friendly sprouts. My mom thought it was cute and gave them labels: oregano, lavender, and bee balm. But, that should have read behemoth probably in hindsight.

Archie:

She just willy-nilly labeled the plants.

Shelly:

Well. She consulted a guide first.

Archie:

Because an untrained eye and a field guide go together perfectly.

Shelly:

Well, you know, mom, give her some information and she's off and running like she's an expert. Anyway, no one picked those friendly sprouts, so we took them home. Hmm. We planted them along the side yard, hoping for a little nice herb border. And at first everything seemed normal, but within a week, one of those plants grew a full foot and curled around the hose reel. Yeah. By week two it was climbing up the wall and made a U-turn to the attic vent.

Archie:

No way.

Shelly:

Yes. And I'm telling you, every time we trimmed it back, it grew two more trendrils. Like it was learning.

Archie:

Like something out of a sci-fi thriller.

Shelly:

You got it. And it wasn't the only one causing the problems. The"oregano" made the whole side of the duplex smell like menthol for a month, huh? And the"lavender" attracted a swarm of bees so dedicated the mail carrier refused to use the front path. I mean, we tried everything, vinegar, sprays, pruning. We even called a guy who swore he was a plant whisperer. Huh? Nothing worked. Eventually the HOA got involved.

Archie:

Oh well, always a good time when they show up.

Shelly:

You aren't kidding. We had to dig up the whole strip and bag the roots in contractor bags. It looked like we were digging to put a pool in. Those roots were incredible. Some were as big around as barrels, but others were as tiny as threads, and we made sure to get every single one. Mom was on her hands and knees with a magnifying glass, looking for just any single filament. She wasn't going to leave any chance of something growing back.

Archie:

I mean, another quality Aunt Dottie, when she does something, she does it all the way.

Shelly:

That she does.

Archie:

You know, I, I'm curious about the mysterious man with the sprouts. What'd he look like?

Shelly:

Well, he was this quiet, affable guy. Dusty overalls, a messenger bag full of starters. Why?

Archie:

Huh? Well, sounds a lot like Seed.

Shelly:

Well, you, you don't, I mean, what are the odds?

Archie:

I, I, I think pretty good. I, if, if you were 17, then that's about the time. Yeah, no, that's about the time I, I did my trip. I mean, uh, mm-hmm. I mean, what if you ran into Seed before I did?

Shelly:

I can't believe I didn't think about this when you were telling your Seed story.

Archie:

You know, it's not out of the realm of possibility. Seed strikes again.

Shelly:

I'm going with it. That man was definitely Seed. He just wasn't wearing a tin pot hat. Must have been in his bag.

Archie:

Not that your store needs any punching up, but, uh. Well, I do like the idea that seed passed through both our lives.

Shelly:

Yeah, he passed through all right. And mom's got the HOA warning letters to prove it.

Archie:

All right. Well, now that we've identified the mysterious man, any more to add?

Shelly:

Nope. I'll leave it there.

Archie:

Well, all right. Let's do a quick recap before we close out.

Shelly:

This week Archie brought us the legend of John Henry and a pops showdown with the Hercules.

Archie:

And Shelly shared a family story about a mislabeled plant swap that turned her mom's yard into a bee attracting, menthol smelling, jungle with a mysterious figure we've heard from before.

Shelly:

We want to know what story got to you? Archie's machine busting muscle tale, or my misadventure in desert botany.

Archie:

See, why don't you head on over to our Instagram at notquiterightgoods or our shop at notquiterightgoods.com and cast your vote in our weekly poll.

Shelly:

And while you're there, tell us if you've ever had a project or plan go off the rails, all because your heart was in the right place, but maybe your sense wasn't.

Archie:

A lack of sense and misplaced intentions make for good storytelling.

Shelly:

I think we've shared the stories to prove that one.

Archie:

That machine operator, he saw pops, a frog in work boots, and he thought to himself bragging was the move. He may have had the tech, but he didn't have any sense.

Shelly:

And my mom planted mystery sprouts from a total stranger because the tag said friendly. I mean, that's not gardening. That is wishful thinking with a shovel.

Archie:

Sometimes folks are so sure they're right. They don't stop to wonder if they're being ridiculous.

Shelly:

Exactly. It's not always about bad intentions, it's a, it's about forgetting to ask the obvious question, like, should I really trust this plant? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Or is it wise to bet my health on pride?

Archie:

And as Maw-maw always said,"common sense ain't so common."

Shelly:

Oh, no. We have similar quotes.

Archie:

Oh, oh, that, that, that's just a bonus one. I have another quote right here, but, uh, you go first.

Shelly:

All right. Well then Will Rogers, the American actor, known mainly for Westerns and think a lot alike because he said"common sense ain't as common as it used to be."

Archie:

Now I feel that every day.

Shelly:

I think it's what each generation thinks of the ones on each side, like US Gen Xers think that some boomers and millennials may be lacking in that department. Yeah. And they probably think the same of us.

Archie:

You know, I think it has to do with the frame of reference. You know, pops didn't think climbing up on the roof was a bad idea, but standing on the ground from dad's perspective, it was a plain awful idea.

Shelly:

Like planning a live action Frogger event.

Archie:

Yep. Yep. Just like that. But uh, the thing about sense is they don't care about perspective.

Shelly:

What do you mean?

Archie:

Well, you may be able to make an argument for why you did a thing from your perspective, but if there's no sense to that perspective, then the arguments of losing one.

Shelly:

Sense, it's kind of arbitrary too, isn't it? Now that I think about it.

Archie:

Yeah, it is. And it isn't. And it's on a scale, I think. Plus if you don't have an ounce of it, it can't be taught. You either have it or you don't.

Shelly:

Like a goose.

Archie:

Yep, like a goose.

Shelly:

What's your quote?

Archie:

Well, I, I brought one from Mark Twain, you know the American writer famous for Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn, right? Well, he said"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." Oof. Yep. Again, that company rep, he sized up pops without knowing him and got behind a thing just because of the promise of it. They'd never even tested it before. They didn't know what they didn't know.

Shelly:

And my mom just knew those sprouts were oregano. She even told a neighbor to try them in pasta.

Archie:

Oh. Oh, did they?

Shelly:

No. They politely declined.

Archie:

I see then, well then the neighbors exhibited some sense.

Shelly:

Thankfully. But before we could stop her, our dog Bailey ate something that looked sort of like an orange apple growing in bunches from a vine that came from the sprouts labeled bee balm. It wasn't poisonous, thank goodness. But it did turn her pee purple for a week. Whoa. And she had the burps for, oh, I don't know, it must've been a good two days.

Archie:

Poor thing. Hmm. I'm not gonna lie though, that's a pretty amusing side effect.

Shelly:

They produced their fruits over night, every night until we dug them out. One of us had to go out before letting Bailey out and pick all the fruit up. Even the high up ones, you had to get above where Bailey could stand on her hind legs to get to them. She had a taste and wanted more.

Archie:

And consequences be damned.

Shelly:

She was staining the yard too, and we couldn't take her for a walk.

Archie:

Why not?

Shelly:

And let her leave her mark everywhere?

Archie:

Oh. Oh, okay. I hadn't thought of that. What a mess that had been.

Shelly:

Yeah, it was. Okay, so pee talk aside, this week's episode is brought to you by our Southern Sayings collection, specifically the"Ain't Got the Sense God gave a goose" tee.

Archie:

All right. It's perfect for when you're trying real hard, and it all still goes sideways.

Shelly:

Available now in the shop. Just head over to notquiterightgoods.com to check it out.

Archie:

And if you're enjoying the show, tell a friend, leave us a review, or send us your own tales of goose brained misadventures. We love hearing from y'all.

Shelly:

Thanks for Oh, Ralph, Ralph. No, no, no, no, no, no. Come here. Come here. Come here. Sit, sit, sit. Oh, Ralph. Look, oh,

Archie:

Shell Shell, everything okay over there?

Shelly:

Yeah. Sorry, Ralph. Um, he's a muddy mess. I've gotta take him to the bathroom. Just gimme a second. Okay.

Archie:

Oh, oh, sure. Yeah. Oh

Shelly:

my God, Ralph, how? How? Oh.

Archie:

Oh. See now if you don't have pets and you go, and then they can't cause messes that need to be cleaned up. And I am not one for messes. I mean, Ralph has no sense of timing. Or maybe he has the perfect sense.

Shelly:

He's in the bathroom. I just gotta go turn off the spigot. Oh.

Archie:

Oh. Like I was saying, maybe Ralph has the perfect sense perspective. Oh boy. Maybe get a goldfish, Shelly.

Shelly:

Oh, I'm back. I'm back.

Archie:

Yeah. And you have a new water feature, it sounds like.

Shelly:

I do. He dug a pond. Can you believe it?

Archie:

I hope he hasn't found a new pastime.

Shelly:

Me either. And he's not a digger or he wasn't. And how he twist opened the spigot. I have no idea.

Archie:

Well, he figured out doors. So I guess the next logical thing is spigots.

Shelly:

I'm gonna have to put a lock on it, after I give Ralph a bath, clean up the muddy paw prints and back fill the pond.

Archie:

You know, it sounds like you got your hands full. Why don't we finish the sign off so you can get to it?

Shelly:

Mm. How about you tell me another story so I don't have to.

Archie:

Yeah, well you know what maw-maw would say to that? She say"waiting only gives a mess a chance to to fight back chance to fight back." That's right.

Shelly:

I will take my chances.

Archie:

Well, now I'm not saying procrastination runs in the family, but I do have one Uncle Wayne on my mama's side who gave the word a real run for its money.

Shelly:

Oh, do tell.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. Alright. Well, uncle Wayne had this house just outside of Lucedale, uh, tin roof, wooden porch, leaning a bit from the weight of years and bad decisions. And one summer he noticed a small leak in the ceiling above his easy chair, just a little drip after a storm. Didn't think much of it.

Shelly:

And you're gonna tell me he patched it up with duct tape.

Archie:

Oh, no, no, that, that would've been proactive. He just moved the chair. Said"It don't really bother me if it don't hit me."

Shelly:

Oh, so a real go-getter of a guy, huh?

Archie:

No, you said it. Well, a, a week later, the drip became a trickle. He started laying out pots and pans to catch the water like it was a, like, it was a jazz performance and clangs and tinks echoing throughout the house. Every time it rained, it sounded like a steel drum band rehearsing in his living room and still, he said,"well, there ain't no sense and fixing it while it's raining. And when it ain't raining, it don't leak."

Shelly:

I can already tell where this is going.

Archie:

Oh, we're not even to the best part. Fast forward now to the fall. The insulation up in the attic starting to sag from the moisture, and one day he hears some rustling. And he goes up there, he finds a full grown raccoon has moved in, brought snacks, set up a whole little raccoon bachelor pad.

Shelly:

Well, at least it wasn't a whole family.

Archie:

I don't know that that would've made a difference. Waynes shrugged it off and he named the raccoon Oscar. Started telling people he had a tenant.

Shelly:

Was Oscar paying rent?

Archie:

He was charging rent, actually. He'd take dog food from the porch every night like clockwork.

Shelly:

And Wayne put up with it?

Archie:

"To get along you got to go along." That's, that's Wayne's way of thinking. But then the winter rolls in and that little leak turns into a beam collapse during a cold snap right over the tv. You know what Wayne's response is? He duck tapes a tarp to the ceiling and watches TV from a camp chair in the kitchen.

Shelly:

Is anyone in his life? This man needs an intervention.

Archie:

Oh, it's coming eventually. Grandma hears about all this and sends my mama to check in. She finds the living room half flooded, Oscars chewed a hole through the pantry wall. Oh my goodness. And Wayne is sitting at the kitchen table eating cereal out of a measuring cup because, and I quote,"all the bowls got moldy."

Shelly:

Oh, oh, that. That honestly is impressive in an absolutely horrifying way.

Archie:

Yeah. They had to call the county inspector. Oh. And he saw it. He just took off his hat. He looked at Wayne in the eye and he said,"Sir, you've let apathy win."

Shelly:

Well, he's not wrong.

Archie:

Mm-hmm. Took three weeks, a full crew and a crowbar to get Oscar out. Last I heard Wayne's living in a condo. Middle floor, no attic and a strict no pets policy.

Shelly:

Did he ever admit that he should have fixed the roof?

Archie:

Not directly, but when we saw him at Thanksgiving, he said,"I miss my chair, but I don't miss that raccoon's attitude."

Shelly:

Well, I mean, sometimes it can be hard to find it in you to fix a problem, even when the problem grows.

Archie:

But when the thing grows, it takes up more and more space and tries. You might to avoid it. Eventually it starts staring you right in the face.

Shelly:

Yeah. With claws and a mask. Speaking of which, I had better get to Ralph before he hardens and I have to chisel him free.

Archie:

Well then let's tell the folks, bye.

Shelly:

You got it. Thanks for sitting with us a while.

Archie:

You're always welcome on the porch. Bye

Shelly:

bye. Oh. My yard is a disaster and Ralph is worse.

Joe:

This has been a not quite right goods production. Starring Joe Laureiro is Archie and Holland Renton as Shelly written, directed and edited by Holland Renton. Music sourced via Descript stock library.

People on this episode

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Archie Fields

Host
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Shelly Smith

Host