You’re Wrong About Me, and I’m Okay With That

I was always scared of being the difficult one, to not be liked. I was terrified of someone being wrong about my potential, my intentions, or my heart. But you know what I learned, striving to be understood is a trap. Being liked is a cage. The moment I stopped trying to correct everyone’s version of me was the moment I found myself. Today, we’re talking about the radical power of being the 'villain' in someone else's story. We’re talking about why your reputation is a tax you no longer have to pay, and why the most dangerous person in the room is the one who can look a room full of critics in the eye and say: 'You’re wrong about me, and I’m okay with that.'

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And remember, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Welcome to Bubbles and Breakdowns, a space designed for you to show up as your beautifully imperfect self, where we dive into that good, the bad, and the oh so bubbly. I'm Ashley. And I'm Katrina.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

I'm just gonna say I was always scared of being the difficult one to not be liked. I did I was. I wanted to be liked. I was terrified of someone being wrong about my potential, my intentions, but especially my heart. But you know what I have learned? Striving to be understood is just a trap. It's like being caged. And the moment I stopped trying to correct everyone's version of me has been the moment that I found myself. So today we're talking about the radical power of being okay with being the villain in someone else's story. We're talking about why your reputation is a tax that you no longer have to pay, and why the most dangerous person in the room is the one that can look in a room full of critics and say, You're wrong about me. And I'm okay with that. Okay, this brings up so much because Ashley's cringing. My face is stuck.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

And so tell me what's behind that. I am just, I feel this so much because I have always felt like I needed to justify my actions, my thoughts, to not hurt somebody and for people to realize I'm a good person. And sometimes that doesn't always gel. And I feel like I'm fighting myself almost. Yeah. So people don't think I'm a bad person. And I don't know if this is Catholic guilt. I don't know if this is I'm trying to right the wrongs of my parents. I don't know if this is holding myself to this higher moral standard. But it's really just who I am. And I really struggle with this. So hearing that whole intro, I'm just like, I still do this and I'm 40. And I I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

It's it's that's what that's what struck. So I'll tell you guys a story, and I'm and it's really great that we're kind of in two different places because I wrote this overview about where I've been, and it's been in recent time that I have been there where I was really afraid to be seen as difficult. I was given feedback, especially in my job. Like, don't talk so much, you know, you don't need to share your opinion all the time. And I was really kind of told to like sit down and be quiet. And I was like, gosh, like that's harsh, you know. And then I was like, why do they want me to sit down and be quiet? You know, we're trying to have a speak up culture. It was it was wild time. And I noticed that I started to monitor myself too much, and I started to edit what I would say, and I started to curate what I would say. And you know what happened? People could tell that I was no longer authentic. People had a strong sense that I wasn't coming in as Katrina, and it really hurt my perception as a leader of Teams. And so I had to kind of like rework and rewire that and to untrain myself the things that I was told were not serving me well. And when I did that, and when I started caring less, I believe, and I'm sure people I work with could either attest or deny this that I feel like more people understand me and appreciate me. They may not still love me and I'm okay with that, but at least they don't think I'm being disgenuine. And to call myself out, I was. I was being disgenuine to them and to myself. And I was letting the opinions of other people change who I was, and I'm not okay with that.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

I feel like there's so just in the corporate environment, I always view feedback as a gift. Yeah, I really truly do. And if there's something I can do better, if there's something I can help with, if there's something that I'm not hitting the nail on the head, tell me the sooner the better, so I can make sure I'm my best self at work and that I'm growing to get to the level I want to be. When that feedback becomes personal and not project-based, it's hurtful. Especially when the person's delivering it, that's hard to hear. And I think everyone wants people to grow and turn into a leader and are f or even a friend or a partner, right? And I think there's something about hearing that, but for people who would feel like sometimes they're misunderstood or their intentions are, that is like taking a knife to the jugular.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

You know, I the way that you just described that is how I felt. I felt like a little bit like lump in my throat, deflated, deflated. I felt frankly like a loser. And what I had to evolve past was there may have been something in that feedback worthwhile. And I wanted to listen and really confront that within myself. And there were things about maybe the way I was showing up that could have been better, but I had to get to a place where I'm like, being who I am is exactly who I should be. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

And I it's funny too, because you're completely right. I think, and I have been in marketing my entire career. Yeah. Ended up the last few years before I was stay-at-home mom in employer brand, which is basically why should you come work for a company? Right. And why should you stay? Like that was my job to market that, right? And it's so interesting. You're right. A lot of companies are touting, hey, be yourself, be your authentic self. Come on, join us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then again, people like us, it's so hard. I feel like being misunderstood, there's how do we care less about what people think?

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Yeah. So this is such an important um aspect. So I think you've said the quote before I am not everyone's cup of tea, but that's because I'm a glass of champagne. Chin chin. And I think there's a difference between when to identify in yourself that someone just is a conflict of personality or just like doesn't like the way you talk or the way you act or the things that you value. Like they've already made that decision. And you know what? That's their choice. Let them have that choice. Then there's this whole other space where maybe the way that you are operating is hurtful and you could learn from it. And I think the important thing of realizing when you should care or you should care less resides within those two things, within those two scenarios of like, is it them and just their opinion of me, or is it unequivocally something I need to change? Like a factual. Yes, like irrefutable. Yes. Like you were, um, I don't know, I'm just gonna be bold-flipping tables at you were racist. Like you were racist, or you were um neglectful, or you were verbally abusive. Like these are non-negotiably, like I would argue, relatively objective points where then you should, you know, course correct and you should try to repair whatever part of you made that mistake. But if it's things of just someone's opinion, like why? I don't care. Like, I don't like you either. Like, I mean, like, and that's okay too. And I'll even think about this in terms of other women, you know, and we've been in some groups where maybe we've met met women together and we've met, we know some of the same people, but we obviously didn't grow up together, so we don't know all the same people. But we've had conversations of being like, oh, I just don't think they like me, or I have brought that to you, like, I just don't think they get me, you know? And there were moments where I was like, Oh, I but I want them to get me. And then I was like, why? Why do I want them to get me? What is this going to do for me? And then I think of it as though like you're trying to push a snowball up an icy hill. And why are we gonna spend our time doing that rather than going down at the bottom of the hill and watering the flowers that are already blossoming, which is the people who do get you?

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Totally. And I think when that energy too becomes displaced of you fueling relationships, for you to almost prove your point to somebody or your worth or your worth is when I think you start to have lose your own identity a bit. Yes, because it becomes conflated with this like almost push and pull negative positive reaction, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

Yeah. And you get lost in that because you're trying to be what they want you to be, which by the way, I automatically just now, and we were talking about like women friendships, thought of the movie Mean Girls, which is like we don't wear sweatpants on Tuesday. Like you can only wear sweatpants on Friday or when Regina wears sweatpants. And it's like I like gross, number one, but I like people who are different than me because I don't want to just talk to myself. Now, other people may not. They want echo chambers, they want people who are like them, they want people who dress like them, who care about the same brands, get their hair done the same way, go tanning together. I don't know. I don't do this stuff, but like realizing that like just certain people aren't for you, and that's okay because what you now know in yourself is that you are all those things that we said at the beginning. You are actually a good person, you have good intentions, you do have a good heart. And I think where we all, as women in particular, can be better served is to no matter what opinions hit us in the face or take our breath away, like in the example I shared with my career, Ashley, is that we go back and we then go to the people who see us for who we really are, and we go, I am a good person. And this is these are examples why I know. So why?

SPEAKER_01 11:03

So we are these self-proclaimed people pleasers. We know that we know that about ourselves. Recovering, yes, but like, why do we care? I'd love to dissect that a little bit because even thinking of me now, when I, you know, will say something, or if I get in a dis disar disargument, disagreement I meant with somebody, and they maybe don't believe my intentions, I get very upset.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Yeah, it's like injustice.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Yes, to the fact where I will then talk it out, where it's like now this has become kind of a thing because I'm kind of I know for lack of a better word, like kicking a dead horse when it's down or whatever that saying is. Um why do I do that? Is it because I was misunderstood as a kid?

SPEAKER_02 11:50

I don't think I think certain people really don't like to be misunderstood. I don't. Why do I care? But but then take it like another step. Like, what do you think Katrina does my but psychiatry? I don't know. I mean, like, I'm do you prescribe breads? Is that the difference? Yes, you may have this fresca.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

This will make you feel better. By the way, yes. I just introduced Katrina to my fresca with lime. Oh, it's so good. Welcome. Hot girl summer, fresca.

SPEAKER_02 12:18

I mean, zero calories with an effervescent citrus blast. I mean sign me up. Here we go. No, but truly, like, so taking it a step further, not only is the question like, why do I care? Like, why does you care because it hurts you? It's like we want to know that if we're being the full expression of ourselves, that people are loving and receiving us. And when they don't, that creates dissonance. Okay, fine. But then take it a step further. Do you really think that you can control how other people feel or see you? Fuck, feel about you or see you. Yeah, I just swore. That's okay. No, no, no, no, but no, really, because like it's also like this this kind of warped thinking that we have control over how other people feel about it. And we do not.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

It is this weird thing where it's like, I will feel upset if I think someone's upset with me. Right. And oh, I know that very well. Whether that's because I stuck to a boundary I have, yep, or whether that's because it's okay to say no. Yeah. You don't have to do all the things, right? And I think also with time and experience, people change in this capacity, right? Like I think if like you're saying no to someone who doesn't have kids and they don't understand, like, oh someone's sick, like that's a thing. Right. Right. Or that's the first example I could think of. Um, because I did have someone, one of my friends didn't have kids. Then they did and they're like, We're so sorry for guilting you. Yes, for not going out and doing the thing. When you had a sick kid and you're like, Cool, I get it. I was we weren't really mad at each other, but it's just one of those things that they were retrospectively It's a lack of taking it through. And I think with time, with maturing, like I'm still a four-year-old, but I'm still, I don't know, 12 is what I think. We are these little wounded kids walking. But it's it's one of these things that this is a hard one because I also don't like the way I feel and I get defensive. Yeah, like I almost am like I have to defend myself because you don't know my true intention, and I would never hurt you by saying this thing and do do do. And then it's like the person's like, I don't care.

SPEAKER_02 14:30

Or like, Yeah, I still feel the way I do it.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

Yes, and it's sometimes like is it better to drop it? Yeah, or knowing actually I'm just gonna keep kicking that horse and just be like, no, but this is what I think.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

Like well, because then I think if you do, but if you do keep kicking that horse, you may just drive them into complacency of like, yeah, you're right, I roll, and they still don't. So, so like you know what I mean? Like, they may just say, Yep, the verdict to appease you.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

Totally, the verdict's the same. Yeah, but that dissonance, uh-huh, maybe maybe when that happens, I'm just gonna pop a fresco.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

Well, and it's also just like, hey, you don't like me, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

I know.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

And so, like, thinking that, you know, I I was never like the most popular person. I had moments of like maybe people thinking I was cool or whatever. But like, I mean, I never wanted to be, I didn't want everyone to like me. And the reason I didn't is because then I actually believe that means I'm doing something wrong. Because if I don't rubble, right? But like for real, if I'm not a bit of a contrarian, which is who I am, or provocative enough, or by the way, very off-color jokes, like then I'm not really being myself. Therefore, do I want relationships built on a perception of who I am, which is cleaned up and tidy to appease your desires and a friend? Or am I gonna be the weird, ugly, off-color person that I really am? And you're gonna be like, that's that's fine. I still love you. And they're gonna be like, let's start a podcast together. Exactly. But like, isn't that also something? Is like, so what you just kind of like, it makes me so angry, and I'm just like, oh, they've got me wrong, and they've got me wrong, and you're sitting there and you're kind of like stewing and you're kind of how can I make this right? How can I do da da da? What if instead you're like, they got me wrong, and I and I know they got me wrong, and I just don't care. What what does that feel like?

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Like, what does not caring mean to you? Like when you when I hear you say that, it like it almost feels like I'm accepting defeat. Uh-huh. But also, to your point, the end is gonna be the exact same. Yeah. So it's really me drawing this conversation out will not uh change anything. Yeah. And also when I do that, I annoy myself. Right. I'm like, why do I care? Uh-huh. Why do I care that I'm arguing about who put the dishes away yesterday when we don't remember? Yeah. Or something stupid.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Right. Even that is like, yeah, what? What am I doing? I think about another interaction I had at at my job, and I was working with someone who I did I do like, and you know, but I just felt like very misunderstood by them. So much so that I actually called them out directly in a one-on-one. And I said, Hey, listen, I just don't think we're working well together. I don't think you're you're under like, I don't think you get me, and that's okay. And I remember even saying that, and that's okay, but I do want to make this working relationship better, and I want to be a better partner with you, and I'd love to build that, you know? So there's almost like this like, we can agree to disagree that I'm an amazing person, and that's fine. No, we know I am, but no, no, no, right. But but we can agree to disagree, and we can still actually coexist, or if you're in the same friend circles, but like you're not very close with them because you don't have this like alignment, that you can be like, okay, but you can still be in that circle and I will be kind, but like we're never gonna be close, and that's okay too.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

Well, and isn't I feel like all of this, especially when like the work example, the goal's the same, right? Right? Everyone's goal is to do a good job and get paid. And again, there's different motivations there, but that's the same. And then shared goal, yeah. We're all just trying to like survive and like have fun along the way, right? And have these glimmers of amazingness right through this journey. So why are we succumbing to caring what other people think? Yeah. And there is a power of reclaiming your identity, I think, and being okay with like you're saying this, I'm not their cup of tea. Because we hate tea and we drink shamps, like or what I you know. I do like tea though. But you know what I mean? It's one of those things where it's like turn the tables and also make your own narrative. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:09

And then, you know, there's just so like I thought about, you know, let's go back to like when we're these teenage girls or college girls, and you hear so-and-so said this about you, and they didn't like the dress that you wore, and um, your hairstyle is so outdated or whatever. And it was like all this kind of like catty gossip. And I remember hearing either it was from my mom or somewhere, what others think or say about me behind my back is just none of my business. And I love that because if they cared enough about you, they would talk to you about it, and if they don't care, then it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

So, what has social done for this dynamic? Ooh, you see all the comments where how can you people be this nasty? I don't understand. What do you achieve? Is it all bots? Is it all like it it is just like I wish it was this is what we're doing with our time? And I think one of the biggest things that I kind of realized too, when when you're kind of going through like this self-doubt phase, right? Of like even starting this podcast, I think we keep coming back to the podcast. No, but it's a big vulnerable thing we're doing. It is, and like listen to what we're talking about. We're sharing our people hate me right now, you know. Same, same, whatever. I'm shams. Um, but I think it's one of those things where you're doing it for yourself. Yeah. And if we get haters, we've made it. Just kidding. But no, you know what I mean? But like it's one of those things where it's just and that's the biggest thing.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

If it keeps you happy, it keeps you going, you still enjoy something. You did the thing. Yes. We did a thing, right? We have a podcast. You know what I mean? Like, so it's like one of those things too, of like you're expecting maybe more support than you haven't gotten, or you know, it's kind of like it kind of sucks sometimes. It can hurt. It can hurt.

SPEAKER_02 21:07

We've done the thing, right? And I think about this too of like when when people kind of like work to tear people down, and you were hinting at this with like social media, like, what is your purpose, trolls? Like, are you that lonely? And yes, the answer is they're that lonely. It's sad for them. And how people comment on others and how they either take disparaging comment status or uplifting comment status, whether in in in front of or online, is a reflection of themselves. It is not a reflection of the person they're pointing it at. What is that like nursery rhyme where it's like sent you look in the mirror, it's back at you. Like, what do you talk about? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like a it's like a it's like a playground thing. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, like rubber and glue, it bounces off of me and sticks to you. Something like that. Or it's like you're really looking in a mirror. Oh, I love it, I love it. But no, that's true. It's like people project negativity on Others when they feel insecure. When people are secure, we start to see people as these beautifully imperfect humans who are doing their best. And instead of like, for example, coming across another mom and like maybe they were really short with me, or maybe like they weren't very friendly, or like they even tried to dodge a hello. Instead of me going back and being like, Oh, they don't like me. My initial response, I have like retrained this because it always was, they don't like me. Like I said in the opener, like that is true. Like I have felt all of those things. And I still feel some of them sometimes, but less, less, less, less, way less. Instead of feeling like, oh, they must not like me what it is about me. I then go, they must be having a hard day. Totally. Something must be going on. Like maybe they're rushing to get somebody. Maybe their dad just died. Like, I don't know what's going on. And that goes to this whole idea of like stop assuming that other people are spending that much time thinking about you because they typically aren't. In fact, most of the time we're thinking about ourselves. Like we're programmed to be thinking about ourselves. It's a self-preservation, it's a human survival mechanism. So, like, we are not that important to people. And if we think we're that important to them, then I think we are inflating our self-worth. And instead of, we need to be grounded in who we are and just let that stuff kind of roll off our back. Totally.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

And I know that's practice makes perfect. Right. Because it's never trained. But I think one of the best things, maybe to wrap this up and end on is being misunderstood is okay only if you understand yourself.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

I love that. I love that. If you are grounded in who you are, let them misunderstand you and be okay with it. Haters. Protect your peace. And, you know, for all of those people who are on here as our champions and our hype girls. And by the way, our loving husbands who continue to kind of like show up and congratulate us for all of it. Great feedback. Give us great feedback. Say our dinners are tasty when maybe they aren't. You know, whatever it is, like those people who uplift you are where our mental space should be. Keep them in your circle. Keep them in your circle. Yes. And the rest of them keep them on the peripheral. So here's to not caring. Woo-hoo. And staying grounded in ourselves. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 24:27

And remember, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles. And if you're loving what you're hearing, don't forget to rate, review, follow. Find us on Insta, send us a DM, but no hate meal. We will return it and be even meaner. Just kidding. Um, thanks for joining. Hashtag no trolls. Bye.