When Doing the Right Thing is Wrong for You

We’ve all been there: saying "yes" to a favor you don't have time for, staying late to fix someone else's mistake, or playing family therapist when you’re already drained. You did the "right thing," so why do you feel like you're drowning? Today, we’re deconstructing the guilt of the "Selfless Saint" and learning why your peace isn’t a luxury, it’s a requirement.

https://www.instagram.com/bubbles_and_breakdowns

And remember, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles!

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:12

Hello and welcome to Bubbles and Breakdowns, a space designed for you to show up as your beautifully imperfect self, where we dive into the good, the bad, and the bubbly. I'm Katrina.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

And I'm Ashley. And we've all been there. Saying yes to a favor you just don't have the time for, staying late to fix someone else's mistake, or playing family therapist when you're already absolutely drained. You did the right thing, so why do you feel like you're drowning? Today we're deconstructing all that guilt and talking about being the selfless saint and learning why your peace isn't a luxury, it's a requirement to life. This is like my whole life in a sentence, in a paragraph, in something. And this really speaks to me as these uh people pleasers that we always say we are, because how do you set boundaries in your life and do what's right for you while feeling this inner nagging of people, making sure everyone's happy.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

I I agree. I mean, what came up when you were reading that was a few things which was like people pleasing, like you just said, but also this we all love to feel needed and important, and we all like to be able to help people, like in a general sense, I think about human beings. Right. And when someone comes to us and they're like, I need you, I think it's very natural to want like knee-jerk, I need to do this for them because it's the right thing, to your point. But I think the harder thing is saying, what is this going to do? How is this going to make me feel? What is this gonna do to my family? What are other considerations? So it's like, take a beat, even if it feels like it's the right thing. Now we have to start assessing, you know, is this the right thing for us? And I think that there's a lot of examples in my life that that that read like this that have that have shown up where I've had to say, okay, I get it, but I need to make a boundary.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Right. And I think there's something very telling or refreshing to realize too, that boundaries can change. Yeah. And once you lay a boundary, we mature as people, we change, relationships change, and those boundaries are bound to change with that. So you're not glued to how you're feeling in that moment, which I think is also a little freeing to say you could say no today, you could say yes tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

But it is about your well-being. You, the one that's saying yes to something, the one that's saying no to something exactly.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Does it sit with you in your gut at the end of the day? So this is an interesting thing too, because there's kind of a conundrum when it comes to moral morals. I almost said conundrum in the beginning of this. This is what exactly what it is. It's and it's a moral conundrum because you're kind of faced with this decision of saying, are you going to do the right thing or are you going to practice self-preservation? Yes. And I would say, like, it can be different throughout the courses of our life and what we have going on. Yes. To saying, okay, when I was uh single and footloose and fancy-free, I didn't mind driving my brother around when he needed a ride because his license was revoked. But as time went on and I developed a relationship with Matt, I'm like, I don't want to spend my time doing this anymore. And I stopped, you know? And I never even, I think, had like a big conversation, but it's about also like morally knee-jerk. Okay, this is the right thing to do. You should, um, let's use a normal example through the course of life. You should take care of your aging parents and bring them into your home. Culturally, very socially acceptable. It's considered honorable, but what isn't taken into account with that big kind of sweeping, this is what you do, this is the right thing to do, are all those little nuances of what's the relationship, what's the habits of the people, how will this change our family dynamic? How will this change our relationship with our spouse? Right. And so then it also is important as we're saying, okay, on face value, it may look like the person's doing this honorable, wonderful thing, but what are they really sacrificing to do that? And sometimes I think the sacrifice just isn't worth the moral, you know, uh, what do you brownie background or whatever? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

And I I completely agree with you. And I think all the cultural pressure there, yeah, and not just meaning cultural of like you're saying, like some cultures taken, but more around blood is thicker than water and be there for your family. It's okay to not. Yes. You know, like for example, for me, I have gone through a lot with my family. And I, and again, this is maybe the Catholic guild, that Catholic school, which I loved that upbringing, but something about just always like being there for people, right? But what happens when they're not there for you? Right. Are you still gonna kinda do that? And this is where I've been having this huge moral conundrum to bring it back up, around what I know what the right thing is, but it's just to say yes, right? Is isn't that kind of if we're talking about the right thing in like a cultural raftance right? It is yes, I'm gonna help you. Yes, I feel bad for you. But that is not what's right for me. And it pains me. I have had a lot of time to think of this, of just it hurts me to not want to do the right thing, if that makes sense. Like, because you're confronted with yourself, yes, yeah. So many different competing feelings of being like, I would do this for my neighbor, yeah, but maybe not for my parent. And that feels messed up. That feels like I'm not being authentic to myself in a weird way, even though by me saying no, I really am being authentic to myself and giving myself what I need to put my energy where it belongs, which is to my family of four.

SPEAKER_02 6:25

Yeah. And I think parents are a tricky one. Oh, because as you if you've been listening to the podcast, you've heard a little bit about, you know, my father. And so kind of to mirror back some of your emotions is that you have to find the level of support that is right size for where you are in your life, totally also your relationship with that person. Because a dad's a dad, a dad, a dad is not the same as everyone's dad. You know, we only look at father figures through this lens upon which we've built our lens for our father. And I see friends of mine that have these beautiful relationships with their dad. And I'm like, gosh, what's that like? I don't even know. But I had to right-size at the end of his life what I was willing to do and what I wasn't. And I was raising two small children. And I said, okay, I will help him move, I will pay for the movers, I will do this, I will do this, I will help clean, I will help send groceries. And I created, to your point of like feeling like a bad person, you feel bad until you carve out what level of support you can give within your boundary.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

And I think that takes a lot of self-discovery, right? And it's not to say once you set a boundary, you're not gonna feel bad about it, right? Or confident in it. It takes practice of really putting that boundary in place. And I think another thing that's important that you kind of mentioned a little bit earlier about your brother and driving him around. A boundary doesn't need to be communicated to anybody. I didn't. And I also per think you shouldn't per like the boundaries that I've created. It is something that you are doing for yourself. You don't owe that person any explanation of your effort, of your time, of what you're willing to put in because it's self-preservation. Yeah. It really is one of those things where you need to protect yourself and do what you need to do while still feeling like you're a good person. And that's where I yeah, that's the hard last one.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

And so you have to redefine what support looks like, or you have to redefine what that relationships look like. And then I think it's kind of what just came in my head, and I don't know if this relates to anybody else, is like this pros and cons list. You know, when you're making a big decision, oh yeah, like a thought-out big decision. I'm a big lister. Yeah, it's like, what are the pros? What are the cons? But then I add a waiting system, which is like I would like to say that one's worth a lot more. It's like this is my thing. That's just okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:57

Let's say our pros are even. How are we gonna really on the pendulum?

SPEAKER_02 9:02

Yeah, and then so like let's just talk about oh, if it's taking time away from my family, well, that one's gonna get a significant prioritization weight, we know in my mind. Now, up to there's been times when I don't even have to make a list, you know, where I don't even have to go through a pro and con because it's just so apparent. And what I think really can ground us back is that even though making the decision that is making you feel like, you know, not a good person, on the out, like just on the surface, when you look at the reasons you're making that decision, if you are still grounded in your morals and what's important to you, then that is the right decision. And the thing is, those things are a little invisible, right? So they're invisible to the people that you might be setting the boundary against, they're invisible to other family members who might be judging your behavior, but you know them. And I think it's about like really grounding in the why. Right. You know, and if you can tell yourself, well, the reason why I'm not going to, let's just use this example, um, let my father live with me near the end of his life, is because he's a severe alcoholic. It would be dangerous for my children, it would take away from my kids. I don't, I don't have the capabilities and skills to support him in the way that he needs to be supported medically. And these are all really good reasons. And the other thing is we don't have to explain them to people. We don't owe other people who are judging our decisions of a response.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

It's okay not want to not want to not want to. It is okay, you know, and I think the power of saying no to, like, even like let's take another example that's like a little more frivolous. How many birthday parties do you get invited to of your kids? We call it a birthday budget because you have to budget them monthly. It is just like one of these things, but it's like you they don't have to go to every birthday party. They don't have, and it's not even just to not go to not get a gift, but it's like, say you have something else. Like, I'm always the person that tries to make everything work.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Like I remember when I was dating my husband, I um used to have a Chevy Aveo. Oh gosh, which was the best apparel park because I could fit in any spot. Um, I literally feel like you could pick it up and put it in a spot and you're you're good to go. But Brad would always tell me, like, I just all you do is just zip around in your little Aveo going to here to there to that. Like I was the people pleaser of going everywhere, but but like I liked that. Yeah. Like that fulfilled me because my true family have always been my friends. So, you know, growing up in a divorce and being kind of not a pawn in that, but yeah, a pawn in that an afterthought. Yeah, it was one of those things that I I gravitated more to their families than my own because I was included in their family dinners and their family outings and sometimes their family vacations. And so, so dear. So Brad saw that as like, you're doing all this for your friends. I was like, but you don't understand. I won't do some things for my family because that is my family. And it took me a long time to that was my own boundary, but to feel confident in that choice where I am not a cold-hearted person. No, not at all. And thinking of this things, but you're not you're not gonna help your parents. Like that almost sounds like it's not.

SPEAKER_02 12:26

But you're only at the sh but you're only on the surface with that statement, is my point.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

Totally. You're you're but that's a face value. Right, but it's one of those things, right? That it just like again, being that people pleaser, maybe kind of caring what people think too to bake that. That's also like an outside factor, right? When you're creating these boundaries of how you feel with this, this conundrum. I know, this damn conundrum of just like being okay with your decision. And it's taking me a lot of practice. I think in anything we talk about, it's about like putting these methods into practice to make sure you're better. And I finally come to a point where I'm like, I have to do this for my own well-being. Yes. And I and that's enough of a reason. Yes, and I'm okay. Right saying no, right? There's still dissonance there 100%.

SPEAKER_02 13:18

But at the end of the day, I sleep better. And there, you know, I go back to becoming a parent now, and there's always like these little jokes that I've heard throughout the years, which is like, well, I have four kids, so I've got four chances of people who are gonna wipe my butt when I'm old, you know. And I've always looked at my children as I'm not raising you to take care of me, I'm actually raising you to go and be your own person and take care of yourself, yes, and to take care of yourself. And at the end of the day, I want nothing from these children. And now, whether that's a place of privilege, there's something about that, but there's also this place of like sincere, just because I brought them into the world doesn't mean they owe me anything. No, in fact, we owe them so much. And I know later in life that may change, and I may be like, oh, please, please come take care of me or come be with me. But I'm really I'm hoping to stay very grounded in the fact that if they want to, that would be wonderful, but if they don't, that's okay too.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Totally.

SPEAKER_02 14:20

And I think that as being a child as well, right, is to say you kind of get what you give, you know? And at the end of the day, if someone is setting a boundary with you, that says more about you than it does about the person setting the boundary. And what I mean by that is if your relationship was built on solid rock and not sand, they would be rising up without a question to be with you. Um, if there wasn't an issue with, I don't know, maybe you're an excessive drinker and you do off-color things when you're out partying with people and they don't want to party with you anymore. Like you, it actually should give more self-examination than examination of the person setting the boundary. Because I think if nothing else in life, we owe it to take responsibility for the things that happen to us. Now, it's not always going to be that case. People tend to react to boundary setting in various ways, I'm sure. But one of them is to feel wounded or to feel like disrespected or um potentially othered. Like, how could you do this? I'm your dad, you know. But it was really beautiful. And I have to give my dad some really big bonus points here. He knew he got more than what he gave. I gave him more than I arguably should have, based on the trajectory of our relationship and a lot of years of hurt and a lot of horrible things that have happened. And he knew that. And he was so grateful, and he was so like, I can't believe you are the best. You're such and he would cry to me, you're such a beautiful person. You're such a beautiful person. And I and I, in my back of my mind, saying to myself, like, well, this is my middle ground, you know? And what I love about that is that he was at least emotionally aware enough to say, hey, she didn't have to do these things for me. In fact, I can't believe she did because I was kind of a bad dad. But at the end of the day, I knew, and I had this conversation with my mother-in-law, Ashley, I was like, what is the level that I can go to bed at night knowing that I did the right thing for me? Yeah. And she said to me, she's she's kind of like been a bit of like an emotional guidepost for a lot of things. And she said to me, like, Well, I know that you'll do whatever it is for you that leaves you with the least amount of regret.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Yes. And that I think plays into this very heavily. Yeah, I hear you. Because time is not infinite, right? We know that there is an endpoint, especially with aging parents. And I love that you got that from your dad. I just don't think I ever will. Yeah. And it really hurts. I've had conversations where you know, not to go into what I've been through, but he didn't even apologize.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Too proud. Too proud. Too maybe not aware. Maybe doesn't give a shit. I don't know. And it's one of those things where I feel like I'm forever chasing a parent.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

Yes. I I couldn't like as people are listening, I think we're having like a very vulnerable conversation right now. But uh, for those of you who have really connected parents, like you may not relate to any of this, but growing up with a parent who doesn't treat you like the child that you are and that you deserve to be treated, or doesn't even like cannot. I I'll say this. What I settled on, Ashley, was with my my dad, he had a limited capacity. I said to myself, it's not that he did these things to make me feel this way. He had such a limited capacity. His toolkit to yes, to limited a small toolkit, yeah. Right. And so it's like he loved me the way he could given what he had going on. He had a lot going on mentally, all of the things. And at the end of the day, where I'm going with this is to say, as you're listening, if you do have those parents, like you are so, so, so, so lucky. Now, I would argue we're also lucky because I've always said I wouldn't trade it for the world. And the reasons I wouldn't is that it has helped create who we are today.

SPEAKER_00 18:50

Totally. I think too, you know, I don't know if I would have been such an independent person. Exactly. Even though sometimes I'm like, am I? I don't who am I? This is the midlife confusion. I don't know. But you know, I think you're right. I I would not rewrite my story. Yeah. You know, do I wish sometimes I had those relationships? Yes. But that's where I forged special connections with other people. Right. And that's kind of filling my void. But also, we've talked about this a bunch too. It changes how I'm raising my own.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

And do I still have my days that I'm a little crazy? Yes. Who isn't? Right. But like guilty. Yeah. But it's one of those things that like that is what's always propelled me. Yeah. Or made me go one step further in my career. Or, you know, just look at things a little bit differently to say, what is the best for me? Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

And so I always said this like, um, our parents, you either become them or you learn from them. And I think mostly I've learned from them and you kind of recreate. And and with this, kind of takes us back to these boundaries of saying, in order to kind of break the cycle or to marry men who are very different than our fathers, it took setting boundaries. Absolutely. What am I willing to deal with? What am I not? You know? And I think within the boundary setting, it's like this I think what's so beautiful about boundary setting is like on the face value, there's judgment and like you didn't do the right thing and da-da-da-da. But I've talked about self-love before, and we've had conversations about self-love and how it's just this radical kind of like acceptance, but boundaries are actually an act of self-love. And arguably, I would say it's the biggest way you can love yourself because if you don't set them, you drain yourself, you're emotionally exhausted.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

And I think without them, like everything that you mentioned previously, you're almost denying your why in a sense, and you're not fully understanding and setting your levels of what is most important. Because we've all I think we've all heard like in your life, you're given 30 balls. 10 are glass, 10 are rubber, 20, the other 10 are cement. I don't know, whatever for this. And right, like there's some that are gonna bounce back up and you just you can let them drop and it's okay. Exactly. Yeah, there's others that are gonna crash and burn. And without you defining what your balls are, for lack of a better right like term here, life's gonna be hard. And I would almost say harder without those boundaries. Right. Like you said, like this is a self-love thing to put yourself first. And just because you're putting yourself first doesn't mean you're not caring about other people. And it definitely does not mean you're a bad person. You are are doing that. And I remember too growing up, as much like Whatever hurt I've gone through with my father and stuff like that. Like he was a good person at some point. And he always told me, and I never really understood this until now, especially with like me being so close to my friends. And like he said, you know, Ashley, the only person that is gonna be there for you 100% in life is yourself. Yeah. And I was always like, whatever, dad. No, my best friends, and like, but like you look day to day. It's a hundred percent true. It's you, it is yourself. You look in that mirror, you define your trajectory.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:35

This is what I'm so excited about in our second, no, third, middle third, middle third, whatever we're calling this, because we're living past 80, that's for sure. But like you get to define that for yourself. How empowering is that? You get to set these boundaries and feel empowered, not bad. Right? Like we've gone through weighing these options, these morals, these conundrums that set us on the path that we are now to thrive and be happy and confident in the decisions we make.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

Yes, exactly. Well said. And and I think we're also entitled to get a boundary wrong. Totally. And we will learn and we will adjust. You know, that's the amazing thing about life is that I I have become self-forgiving, self-aware, continuing to strive to be more, you know, uh just a better person. I think I I it's really important to me. But like if you look at that and you make a mistake, you know, okay, I did that boundary and now I actually feel worse. Well, guess what? Make it right, right, go have the conversation. Yes, go apologize. Like, that's there's so much beauty and just accountability.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

Yes. And I couldn't that is so well said because I think there's a lot of people that aren't. And I think we've all been there, right? Where you're just like, hey, like, and I think all of this, it kind of sounds like I'm drawing a hard line, right? Like, this is my boundary, but like you're not forgetting about the other person. No. You're just putting yourself above them.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

Yeah. And at the end of the day, no one else is going to but ourselves. No, you know, and nobody's gonna know what you can, what you're willing to handle and what you're not. I think we're both very blessed to have significant others who will listen and support our decisions. Depends on the day. Sometimes you gotta grab them by the ear and be like, hey, listen, um, let's talk about this. But no, I mean, there's boundaries with our spouses too. But at the end of the day, like having people we can confide in that will help us make these choices. And I think that's the other part of boundary setting is if you are really like I've experienced this where it's like, I'm not sure. Like, I'm not sure what my boundary should be. Is this boundary okay? Please somebody help me make me feel like I'm making the right decision. That's where like we are lucky to have friends like each other, but we're also lucky to have spouses. We're lucky to have uh a few other very um highly regarded, you know, we people we can be very vulnerable with. And we can say, I'm gonna show you my ugly. Like, here's the way I'm thinking about it. And I'm like gonna be very vulnerable, be like, Am I thinking about this the wrong way? I've had friends tell me things that are like shocking. And, you know, I never react in a negative way because I love that whole person. And I I believe that that is an extreme fortune that I hold dear to my heart is to be able to be safe with people and like talk through these things. And then also for them, when it's appropriate, hold the mirror up and go, you're wrong.

SPEAKER_00 25:44

Totally.

SPEAKER_02 25:45

Think about it.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

And I think that's what's refreshing in well-grounded friendships or relationships is you don't always have to say, Oh, yeah, I'm on your side. Like you can challenge people, right? I think it also has them think harder. Yes, and like more clearly and thoroughly to examine situations or consider things they haven't considered. I think that's super, super important is in this middle third, being uh deeper with people and connecting. We always talk about connections, right? Like sounding boards exist for a reason. And while you're making a boundary for yourself, you don't live in a silo.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 26:29

Your decisions affect everyone around you. Who's your person, who's your people that help keep you grounded? I have always been the person, and maybe it's because I live with a lot of self-doubt that needs to run every decision I make by at least five people. Like I've just always been that way. I think now I'm getting more confident in my decision making. Yeah. But I think I I would always weigh things as almost detrimental. Uh-huh. And it could be the stupidest thing. And I'm like, I don't know. Tell me, should I do the blue party napkins or the periwinkle? This could change the whole outlook of my 2026 ballala. No, but you know, it just it is one of those things that just boundaries are important. Yeah, healthy. Yes. And you just need to live or you need to figure out what your line is. Yeah. But you're right. You could say no one day, yes the next day. It's not a finite line. It is helping you discover what makes you whole and what makes you at peace.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

Yeah. Without being, you know, disrespectful or disregarding people's feelings, of course. But if you're out there and you're like, hey, I as I was listening, there was a boundary that I was thinking I need to set. Reach out to some people, you know, have the conversation. Say, hey, this is what I'm thinking. Tell me if I'm wrong. You know, go to people who know you better than you know yourself. And I think that will help you gain confidence. You know, I think about people who I consider to myself to be a pretty confident person. I consider myself to be pretty empowered. I can be overly just in the way that I think sometimes and working on it. Um, but but I think about people who lack that confidence. And I think about people who maybe are real people pleasers to where they don't even, like it doesn't even cross their radar that they could have said no. And what I would say is if it's draining you, if it's bringing you emotional turmoil, if it's stealing time away from things that you need in your life, examine it. Have a conversation with someone who knows you best. And I hope that you will have the confidence to set the boundary because you deserve it. Every single person deserves to refine and define boundaries throughout their life. And so just encourage all of you to think about it. And I hope that some of our insights, some of our maybe oversharing, you know, helps illuminate some paths for people.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

Life's too short not to figure it out. I love that. So it just is like pave your path, draw your boundary, make some mistakes, and learn. I love it. And let's remember everyone, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubble. If you're loving us, hating us, want to know more about us, just follow us on the gram. Follow us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. And thank you so much. Draw your boundaries. Bye, everybody. Cheers. Bye.