The Anxiety Trap

Ever feel like you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, even when things are going great? In this episode, we’re breaking down the anxiety trap; that exhausting cycle where what-ifs and worst-case scenarios quietly hijack your mind. We’ll explore how anxiety acts as a thief in the night, stealing your present-day joy, shrinking your world into a fortress of fear, and keeping you from fully experiencing the rich, vibrant life you deserve. On the previous episode, we talked about rumination, which focuses on things in the past. Now, we’re talking a look at anxiety which comes while thinking of your future. If you're tired of sitting on the sidelines of your own existence and are ready to reclaim your peace, press play; it’s time to stop just dealing with the worry and start truly living.

Music by: Matthew McGrath https://www.instagram.com/matthewmcgrathmusic

https://www.instagram.com/bubbles_and_breakdowns

And remember, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome to Bubbles and Breakdowns, a space designed for you to show up as your beautifully imperfect self, where we dive into the good, the bad, and the bubbly.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

I'm Katrina and I'm Ashley. Do you ever feel like you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop? Even when things are going pretty great, well, in this episode, we're breaking down that anxiety trap, that exhausting cycle where what ifs and worst-case scenarios are quietly hijacked in your mind. We'll explore how anxiety acts as a thief in the night, stealing your present-day joy and shrinking your world into a fortress of fear and keeping you from fully experiencing the richness of life.

SPEAKER_03 0:55

Okay?

SPEAKER_01 0:56

So on the previous episode, we talked about rumination, which focuses on things in the past. And now, like is as promised, we're talking about taking a look at anxiety, which comes while thinking of your future. If you're tired of sitting on the sidelines of your own existence and are ready to reclaim that peace, press play. It's time to stop just dealing with the worry and start truly living. Ooh, interesting. You know, so it's yeah, like little people that need to keep alive, more intense jobs where you're, you know, either managing people or managing huge projects that are affect a lot of people and their deliverables and their due dates, right? Yeah. So it just kind of you're not just worrying about yourself. It is, at least for my anxiety, usually stems from to-do lists, things I have to do. And again, like we said, this future-facing event, it could be anything, right? Like a meeting, uh an interview, yes, a trip, um, anything right where you're really just they're ruminating.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

You're planning for the worst case scenario, or you're like, you're you're anticipating things to not go well, and that's where anxiety comes in. I think um, let's just break it down a little bit. Yes. So, like we talked about rumination. Yes. Rumination is replaying events. Yep, it's past focus. It's usually things, emotions that come up are like sadness, regret, frustration. We'll say things to ourselves, like, why did I do that? Or why does this happen to me? And we talked about how changing why into how. So if you didn't hear that on rumination, go back and hear some of our tips for breaking down rumination. And then what's the driver behind it? Like, we want to try and understand something. We want to fix something that's unchangeable. So, like, not good. But anxiety is like you said, it's future. Yes, it's fear, it's dread, it's anticipation. What if this goes wrong? Like, what if I start public speaking at this live meeting with 500 people in a room and I start crying or I can't get the words out. And what that driver is, is like we're trying to control or avoid the unknown.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

And I know we've talked about this on previous episodes too about catastrophizing. And I am, I think, I think I invented it. Like I didn't, because it's been around forever. But like literally in my soul, and I don't know if this came from my lack of control growing up, where I need to make sure everyone's safe, everyone's grounded, everyone has, you know, I'm trying to set everyone up for success. Yes. Whatever that means. A happy trip, a safe trip, um, a great project, like everything I want to protect my name, I want to protect my people, and I want to succeed.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:09

And there's so many times that I take that to the nth degree, and I am making up situations in my head that could happen. Anything can happen. But the likelihood of me being stuck in that, just thinking about that future and creating this anxiety for a happy event is exhausting.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

So, what you just described actually is a coping mechanism of anxiety, which is so it makes so much sense for all of our type A. Shout out, type A. If you're type B, I'm like, girl or boy, I'm I'm just like, I admire you. Like, I'm just gonna go with the flow and let these dirty dishes sit in the sink. Number one, I can't do that. No. Number two, I don't know if I would ever want to.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

But either way, okay, I've done it before. I'm not gonna lie. I am type A, but like sometimes I'm so tired. But then it's like, you're screwing over your tomorrow selves.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

You don't want to have to deal with it. So the point of it though is that over-preparing. So it's not just like thinking about it and having the feelings of anxiety. Now we're coping by over-preparing. We're making lists, we're making backup plans to the backup plans. We are having this schedule in case this weather is that way, this schedule in case this weather is that way. And we're having, oh, we could eat here, or if we're not feeling it, we can just boil these noodles uh back at the Airbnb. This is my vacation. No, right. And it's mine too, to some extent. Or, okay, we've got sunscreen in that bag, but what if we don't bring that bag? Let's bring this other bag. And so, what that is do we have bug spray? Well, do we have bug spray? What about band-aids? What if we run out of band-aids, right? And this is anxiety, but because now you're channeling it into over-preparing, it's trying to soothe. You're trying to soothe yourself by being like, I will only feel good unless I've got bug spray and band-aids and sunscreen in every single bag and a backup pair of undies and blah, blah, blah, blah, and snacks on snacks on snacks, there's snacks in this cubby, and then there's snacks in this bag, and blah, blah, blah. Because you're so worried that you think if you do enough, you're not going to be worried. And let that just like set in, you know? Like, if you do enough, you're not going to be worried. What if you do all of that and you're still worried? You know what? I would almost claim doing that makes me more worried. Right. It stirs it up because then you start catastrophizing more and it kind of like scope creeps.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

And then all of a sudden you're worried about every little thing. I just think of the times where I went with the flow, which is very rare, but I try to do it because everyone's like happier. Yes. When I do that. Yes, yes. But I am so much more relaxed. It's weird, like letting go of that and just being like, I'm just gonna kind of see what happens today. Yes, actually makes me more present. Right. Because I'm not thinking about like, oh, I did pack those extra snacks, you need them now. Right. Oh, I did get a pair of extra dry shorts for everyone because we're gonna have dinner at the beach. Like, but also if you sit wet in a car seat for 10 minutes, does it matter? Right. Like, let it go. It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Yeah. Like at all. And and that's the thing though. I think there is such beauty in saying, I've I've like fawned over this concept of having kids old enough that don't have diapers, and all we do is leave the house with a water bottle, and we're like there.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Oh my god. We are not, but I've been starting to do that. And I'm like, it's not that bad. We just have a random thing of wipes and a diaper in the car sometimes. I don't even know if we have a diaper.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Yes. And I'm like, Yes, and then and the Hail Mary today. But also think about the beauty and your self-reliance and the fact of like, hey, I trust myself that if something happens, I can pivot and it's gonna be okay. Like, that is such a better self-regulated approach to life instead of this like over-preparing. Like, I think I think Matt probably looks like at me when I'm getting ready to go to Door County, Wisconsin or whatever, and I'm like, you've got this entire, you know, counter filled with every snack we need for every single day, and we got backups, and we're, you know, I don't want to go shopping too much. And oh, do we need to pack these berries because they're gonna go bad and blah, blah, blah. And he's like, I I don't really care. Like, just do what you need to do to feel good. Point taken. Yeah, point taken. I'm like, oh, do we bring their bikes and their scooters or just their scooters? And da-da-da-da. And the thing is, like, there comes a point where preparing for the trip just like makes you so tired because you're in this cycle, and you're kind of burning yourself out. You're burning yourself out, and then by the time you get to said place that you were so busy preparing for, you've already exhausted all your energy just packing to get there, and now you're there, and then guess what? Anxiety just stole you from being able to enjoy the trip because you literally used up all your energy packing the perfect snack bags, like let that. You know, so let's just talk about control. Yes. Oh, what what what do you mean? What are you trying to say?

SPEAKER_01 8:59

And like no, you know, like is control an illusion? Do we really have control over anything? No, we can be prepared for what we think can or cannot go wrong from our anxiety-ridden mental state. Yes. But there is this illusion of control, I think, especially in our type A selves, that are we're not used to failing. No, no, we're not, and when we do, it is a gut punch. It is it's hurting. It hurts. But like, you know, like those are the things of like, I think number one is like, let's realize this anxiety, all these anxieties are gonna make us have this like control response of like I'm thinking about that, I need to control it. I need to I I I am the house on Disney's up. And all of my I'm holding all those balloons. Yeah. I by the way, we just watched this movie for the first time, which I'm like by the way, tearjerker. So, like literally, you're trying to can hold hold all these balloons. Yeah, they're not gonna all stay. And it's okay though. Maybe the house will flail, maybe it'll keep flying. Like, who knows? But like, I feel like that's a really good comparison of just like you can only hold so much. You can, and like also who cares? Yeah. Sometimes like I think I'm getting to that point in my life where I'm just like, if we don't have a snack, let's run to Target on the road. Like, I whatever. Like you also I think we're used to setting people up so for success because you want to also enjoy. Yes. That's where I think is at the heart of it. But it's it at what cost is this doing to us to control little things that really don't matter? I love it.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

So I can I give an example of a a recent experience. We took our kids to their first ever major league baseball game in the city, and it was it was uh, you know, it was an experience. It was an experience. Um but I packed the bag because I was like, just in case, da da da. And this is actually an example of like I didn't overthink packing. I I really didn't. I was like, I think we need to just throw some things in a bag. And we did like just threw through some things in the bag. Made it through the day. The kids were cold because we were in the shade and da-da-da. We moved and we went outside and warmed up in the sun, but we didn't have pants for my daughter. We had pants for my son, and whatever, whatever. So we we kind of like were making the best out of the worst in some cases. We make it through the whole day. We're back on the platform at the train that we're taking back to the suburbs, and I had gotten these two delicious yogurt parfaits, and I was like, this will be a great healthy snack for the way home. And um they were like, Let's eat it now. So then I give my son a scoop of the yogurt, and he's like, I don't like it. And I said, My whole thing is swallow it and then drink water. We're not gonna go spitting food out, swallow it and then drink some water. He tries to swallow Ashley, he throws up everywhere, all over himself, all over the platform, and I'm sitting there in utter disbelief. I mean, it is ball game Barfaroni. It is terrible. And I'm like, okay, I can either freak the F out or I can start solutioning. So what do I do? I get anything I have in that bag. Give me those extra pants. Yes, and I and and like his shoes were covered in it. I'm like, we are we don't even have wipes with F. We didn't even have wipes. And at the end of the day, I was like, I looked at Matt and I said, It's okay. We'll throw them in the tub when we get home. And it's an example of like you can even be prepared, and something will just come at you. And you know what the coolest thing about that experience is? He that happened and the world didn't fall apart. Totally. That happened and it didn't ruin the day.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

Well, and I think we know you just get through it, but also kids and people feed off of others' energy. So if you made that a thing, and you're like, oh, I knew I should have done this, or why didn't we have wipes? Right? Like, right, they feel that pressure too to see and then their anxiety goes up.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Yes, and then they feel like a bad person. And like instead, what do you do? You say, Oh, sweetie pie, da-da-da. I'm so sorry. Are you feeling okay? Oh, that's the worst, you know, and you just kind of like get through it. And I think that's the beauty of how do you like qualm your anxiety is almost like kind of going through those situations where even if you were prepared, something like a curveball, literally to go with the baseball analogy, comes in and you're like, oh, wasn't planning for puke on the platform, but here we are. And the more of that you have in your life, it almost can help us desensitize, saying, actually, there is no such thing as being completely prepared. There is no such thing as being perfect or having everything just so.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Well, and even like we're talking about, right, like the anxiety is caused by future-facing things, right? Being prepared. So, does that take us out of the present a little bit too?

SPEAKER_00 14:11

Right. Right. It robs, like what do they say? Worrying about the future robs you of the joy today, right? And the joy the present is a gift or whatever. Yeah, it's called a present because it's a gift. Open it.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Yes, open today. Whatever. Right, but you know, but like it's it's true. Yeah, it is there's so many things like also you we were talking about trying to think critically. Maybe it's good to think on the fly. Yes, of course, we don't want people to be covered and throw up and not. But it's but it's serious. I can guess that though. That like everyone's okay, right? Like everyone's alive, we're surviving, but it's also just kind of like okay. And we were the stinky family on the train. And also, what do we want to pass on? Preparedness, I love preparedness, but we can take it to the extreme. Yes, and that's what anxiety does. Do we want to pass that on? Right. I don't think so. Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

The buck stops here. I love this, and I think the other thing too is there's just certain times in our lives that we have to say, not today, anxiety. And I'll give an example of that coming up. We're checking you at the door. We're like, nope, you are not coming here. Here's a perfect example. And I literally just told Matt, maybe two nights ago. So we have a very exciting trip coming up. It's our first adults only, all include all inclusive for a 40th birthday for one of my closest friends. And it's three nights away from our kids. We have never done this ever. It's only three nights. It's I know. It would have been like stack of it. So I'll tell you why I couldn't and also why I probably wouldn't. Number one, um, it's a lot to ask of the people who are caring for our children. It is. Um, but also we genuinely miss them like crazy. And I'm sure that when I'm leaving to come home, I'll be like, we could have stayed a couple more nights. But I also, the day after we get back, have to pack my bag up and go on a three-night work trip. And a lot going on. And I am helping lead through this event. I'm helping to prepare some of the learning sessions. It's a high responsibility. And I said to my aunt, I said, I am not gonna let the fact that that trip is going to happen right after one of the most incredible opportunities to relax rob me of my relaxation on that trip. I'm gonna act as though it's not even happening. I'm going to just be like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pack for my work trip. Everything's gonna be ready for me for when I get home. And then I'm gonna not think about it to the best of my abilities because I don't want that fear, that dread creeping into what's gonna be such an amazing memory-making trip with our closest friends.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

That is, I there's so many times where I've had work, rune vacation. Yes. And it really is unfortunate because your work is your way of means, right? It is providing you a life, it is providing you things. If you're lucky enough, you've fought you fall into a place that you also enjoy it. And right, you know, but again, type A pressure prepared people, it's very hard to disconnect, especially when you work from home, especially with technology. Like, I can't even imagine 1950s workers.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

I know.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Could you like you leave and then like no one's checking in with you?

SPEAKER_00 17:32

I don't get a internet on our phone.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Yeah, I don't get a slack, I don't get whatever people are using these days. Like to be more present, you can't even really take work home. Maybe it's like what a piece of paper that you're writing stuff down. It's not a computer, it's not the internet, it's not email. We're so reachable. I wish we could get more back to that.

SPEAKER_00 17:56

I know, which is really unfortunate. But I mean I have a rule on my team, Ash, where I'm like, if you're on vacation, I literally don't want to hear from you. I love that. Period. I wish more people would do that. I had a manager that was like that too.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

She's like, I anything I would need you for, I could figure out.

SPEAKER_00 18:13

Exactly. I always say, we are not doctors, heart surgeons, no one's dying on the table. It'll be here when you get back. And I think, gosh, if you're a manager out there, like just employ that strategy because it does create anxiety. I remember going on many trips as well, Ash, where I had to check in my email every single day because there were things that no one else could quote unquote do. And the higher-ups like made it sound like it was the worst thing ever if we couldn't get it on time. And and I think like at the end of the day, you do need to be intentional. If you tend to be a worrier or an over planner or have anxiety, like you need to be intentional with going into things and saying, not today, anxiety. Check them at the door, like drop that anxiety bag off. Because if you don't, like you're gonna look back at that vacation and be like, oh my gosh, I spent half the time worried, right? Like, do we want to be worried all the time? So let's talk about this. Yes, flip it.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

What do we think? Just trying to be like, how do we start changing? Right. How do we start let's change, please? Making us less anxious because anxiety, like we talked about too in the rumination episode, is affecting our health, right? Anything that hires our stress, that we start people pick their fate, like whatever, it's not good for us. We need to have control. We need to use control, but like right, we need to keep it in check. We need to keep it in check. So, what what do we think is one tiny realistic thing we could do this week to pause the frantic and just be, especially maybe it we're here in summer. I think everyone thinks of let's jam everything into these six or eight weeks or twelve weeks or whatever. Right? Thanks for the guilt. Oh you know, but like what is one thing that we can just start to be?

SPEAKER_00 20:06

Mm-hmm. What do you what do you want to try? Uh my mic, my micro practice, a realistic thing. Um I think realizing when I start to clean when my children But you'll come to my house. Yeah, yeah. No, like when I start to clean or like fuss, you know, I I tend to like fuss and clean a lot, and I think I need to employ a strategy to check myself on that and say, put the Dyson down and go sit with your kids and play a game. That will be my little, and I'm not gonna do it all the time, but I think my intention, even this morning, I had trimmed my son's toenails and started to clean them up with the Dyson. And as I was about to do that, I was like, You're only cleaning this area. And I did only clean that area. Good. Instead of doing the entire first floor, which is normally what I do. And so I think for me, it's like I honestly, because cleaning is a little form of anxiety for me. Um, it it's like my control over having a clean space that's me trying to cope with whatever I'm worried about. Um, so yeah, that's one of mine. What about you? That's a really good one. Um, so I was actually having this conversation last time.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

I love it. Time was I don't know. Again, we talked about paramenopause a little bit. My hormones are a little crazy. Wild, it heightens everything, right? Especially my anxious side, if you will. 100%. And I think I need to let go of control in the way I think things need to be done, which kind of relates to what you're saying. I am not, which this might break me, but I am not a do dishes after the kids are in bed kind of gal. I am clean as soon as dinner's over.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

Yeah, we are too.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

So that like it can. Can just whatever, but like to your point, that's kind of a big chunk of time I could be present that I am trying to keep my space clean. There is something about that for me too, of just like keeping it clean, and it's kind of like but I'm also just beat after they're in bed. I'm in bed, so it's like I don't have the time want to then go do that and wake people up or like whatever. But like, can I carve out like, okay, this is our 30-minute game time?

SPEAKER_03 22:28

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Yeah. Or just making something a little less heightened, heightened, or even just like I think it's letting go of control of what I think needs to happen in one. Because then it drives everybody crazy. It's like, oh, mom's doing the dishes. She put her earbuds in and she's like zoned in or whatever. Yeah. I think that's one thing I'm really gonna try to be.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

So what with the dishes, I the way I've handled this, Ashley, is like the nights that we have a bunch of people over. We typically don't put certain things in the dishwasher, like you hand wash certain things, which is the time-consuming part, right? But on those nights, it's like every pot, every pan, every sheet pan is going in that dishwasher, and we're like, I don't give a f because you're like, I am done. And I want to go sit with my friends, right? So, like, I do think there's different strategies, but I love that it's actually about like cleaning and feeling like things need to be just so. So it's a little bit of this like type A perfection.

SPEAKER_01 23:23

I think that's the one type of control that is present every day. Like you're not packing for a trip all the time, right? You're not getting the kids ready all the time, or you're not this is one of the things at least both of us type A people share. Yes, is trying to keep a cleanly home where you can like when I get around too much clutter, I start to like I can't function, I think, because it's just like I'm thinking, it's keeping me in the future of like I can do this in 10 minutes, I guess. But it's like also who cares?

SPEAKER_00 23:52

So, like, what could we do for each other to support? Like, what would you what would support look like when you are having anxiety? I'll tell you one that doesn't work for me because that's of course I always think about like, well, what do I need? Sometimes we don't know. Yeah. Uh-huh. But like what doesn't work for me is having Matt say, Do you really need to clean right now? Instead, maybe what would work for me could be come play with us. Or let's let's let's do this later and let's play a game with the kids. You know, I don't know. I think there's something about like supporting someone who has anxiety that's being you can see they're clearly anxious about something. Yeah. And instead of like magnifying the flaw, focusing on what else they could be doing. Totally. And I think I don't know, maybe that's a no recipe.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

I think part of it too starts with you being open and honest to how you're feeling, and you have to communicate it first. Yeah. Because what God, this was last night because I was a little anxious, and I was like, this is how I was feeling, and I don't know why. I'm also the type of person that like I will give my 100% into into a lot that I do.

SPEAKER_00 25:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

That I become so burnt out, yeah, that I retreat and then I'm overstimulated, and no one wants an overstimulated stay-at-home mom. They don't.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

They don't want or any human. Or any mom, right dad, or anybody overstimulated.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

It's not a good way to be no, and I think so. I was like trying to explain to my husband my feelings, and it was just like one of those things where he was just like, he kind of got it. And it was kind of just like, I'm a sensey, I feel deeply, I express deeply, strongly, passionately, whatever. But it's, you know, I think first letting whoever you're having these lash outs to or whatever when this anxiety is present. I feel like just being understood helps, helps. And maybe again, this is my rumination about do people understand me? I don't know, I'm a good person, but like just being like, hey, this is where I'm coming from. I also know it's an issue. Like, I'm not trying to put blame on someone else, right? But just being like, when I get like this, I need you to either check me or blah blah blah or hug me. Yeah, or what doesn't help in this situation is blah, blah, blah. I feel like there's also this. I do this better with girlfriends, but like just it's either do you need conversation or comfort.

SPEAKER_03 26:20

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

Mm-hmm. Right now, I don't want to conversate. I just want to like be like, this is this time feeling you're like, oh, me too. And then you're like, oh, like, we don't need to talk about it. Right. I don't need you to justify that I'm right or wrong. Right. I just need to be heard. And I think that you and I could do for each other to say, girl, yeah, this happened today. And you'd be like, me too. And I'm like, damn it. We did it.

unknown 26:44

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

But I think communication and all of it, you need to be by your people. You're not supposed to be social being anxiousness and not connect with humans in a way that can help, can't help you solve.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Yeah. And to me, that's that's a huge part of it. I think the other thing I'm calling back from a number of episodes uh ago, which was we were talking about the hype squad and how you're like the the emotional like dumpster, I called it, where we can just kind of vent vent, you know, but also like just in the moment of anxiety, I think there is just something about a person who can come up to you and diffuse you in a loving, kind, understanding way. And I think like, isn't that what we're all trying to do, Ashley? Is just be more loving, kind, and understanding individuals, having empathy for one another, relating to your point with one another. Um, if you're not, you know, a person who gets trapped in this anxiety, I'm just like so envious, but I'm also like, I don't know, it's just so a part of who I am. I think I just have to deal with it better. I know. You know, well, and I think this far in, we don't know any different.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Right. We are trained to thrive with it now. At least we're aware. I think part of knowing who you are later in life is being aware what makes you tick, how you can do better, and realizing you're not perfect. We all set out to be, but let's check ourselves to enjoy this joy. Yes. And take away from the things that makes us feel anxious. So angry. We're so glad you joined us today. And remember, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

And if you guys are loving bubbles and breakdowns as much as we enjoy chatting every week, I hope that you have already followed us on Instagram, that you can, you know, find our episodes, follow that on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you get your podcast. We're so happy that you're along on this breakdown and bubbly journey with us. We'll catch you on the next episode. Thanks. Cheers.