Keeping the Love Alive

When kids enter the picture, the marriage dynamic shifts from "us against the world" to "us managing the household." Today we are chatting on how we are, or maybe we’re not keeping the love alive. Let’s see if we can find some actionable, bite-sized strategies to protect our relationships, rediscover intimacy, and communicate through the noise of family life; all without the guilt of prioritizing their marriage.

Music by: Matthew McGrath https://www.instagram.com/matthewmcgrathmusic

https://www.instagram.com/bubbles_and_breakdowns

And remember, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Hello and welcome to Bubbles and Breakdowns, a space designed for you to show up as your beautifully imperfect self, where we dive into the good, the bad, and the bubbly.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

I'm Ashley. And I'm Katrina. Hi, everybody. Well, you know, guys, when kids enter the chat, the marriage dynamic shifts from, you know, like like that beautiful like us against the world, us managing the household. But today we're chatting about how we are, or maybe how we're not really keeping that love alive. So let's see if we can find some actionable, maybe bite-sized strategies to protect our relationships, rediscover intimacy, and communicate through the noisy time of family life, all without the guilt, frankly, of prioritizing our marriages. Because it is you feel bad sometimes leaving your kids going on date night. Totally. And also it's kind of one more thing to add to your to-do list. Yeah, like we need more things. No. Yeah, that's over. And by the way, like the first thing that strikes me about this so when kids come into our lives, number one, I like how you said that. When they've entered the chat. Entered the chat. The children have entered the chat of this relationship, right? But it's like I am thoroughly physically exhausted. Exhaustive. Mentally, physically, overstimulated. Nothing about this is like go have a you know amazing time with your husband and like feel sexy and like do the things. Like, I'm sorry. Like I just feel like a big old lump on a log that can hardly move at the end of every single day.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

Frazzled. I feel like frazzled.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

So I don't know, Ash, like what is our current barriers to I don't know. There's so many barriers. So many bars. Do we even need to say them? But like what are the biggest ones that come up from you?

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Yeah, and I think it's this is such a good way to start this conversation because it's not we have to identify what lies in our path, you know what I mean, before we can come up with solutions to say, we need to talk more. We need to put the phones away. We have, but we also have to honor our feelings and honor and identify what the heck is going on in the world. So I would say for me, I am with my kids all day. And I love it. I love it. Yeah, they're the best. It leaves me frazzled, going back to my word frazzled, and just like when they go to bed, I go to bed. And you kind of have to at that point because then they're up early. Totally. Yeah. And I get it. Old Ashley ain't what she used to be. Like I need more sleep. I need more coffee. Like, I just, I don't know. I'm overtouched. I'm overstimulated. And I just need that downtime. But, you know, I think that's the biggest thing that I've noticed is like my time of when I used to stay up longer to have those interactions after a long day, are less and less now because I am prioritizing my sleep, my sleep, which like alters my mood. You want a grumpyish?

SPEAKER_01 3:10

What do you mean? What do you mean you need sleep? I know. I mean, so I uh yeah, okay. Needing sleep, like just literally needing to rest is so a barrier. Barrier. I love this idea of if people were spying on us and watching our daily lives. I mean, they are though. They are. I'll paint the picture of what my life looks like. And then Ashley, yours is different because you are holding it down, you know, uh at home. Okay, so Matt and I, we both work from home. So essentially, we get up in the morning. Matt usually beats me to waking up. Usually one of the children wakes me up. Like I could sleep in, Matt cannot sleep in. Right. So we don't have any, we don't have any like morning cuddles, which by the way, morning breath. No, like don't even try to bring that over to me and be like, good morning. Like, no, I don't want it at all. Go brush your teeth and then talk to me. So, so then the morning, there's zero. There's zero time for like alone time. I do not want to interact with you right now. No, and I'm not ready. Like, get me my coffee. Like, I don't even want coffee until I have a nice meal. Like, it's a whole thing. And then we're getting the kids ready. And then it's shepherding them around, asking them 25 times, put their shoes on. You guys all know the drill. If you have young kids, this is what it looks like. And in between there, I don't even know if I make eye contact with Matt. I don't even know if there's a single time where I stare at his face. Like sometimes we'll get into the car and I'll be like, You have a piece of spinach in your teeth. This is the first time I've looked at you.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

I hate to interrupt you, but I'm laughing because this was an exact thing before I left this morning to come record. So Brad's not is on kid kid duty because I'm here. Yes. And I literally was about to leave was like, You haven't even made eye contact. Yeah. And he's like, I'm sorry, I'm getting waffles or whatever. And I was just like, I'll see you later.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

So, like, we're literally like walking around with these blinders. Not even looking at our partner, and we're our eyes are focused on our children and what they are or are not doing. And then, of course, taking care of ourselves and being like, I don't want the spinach in my teeth. I need to brush my teeth or put deodorant on so I don't offend it. For the tenth time. Yes. Like it is like just mass hysteria. So then they get off to camp or school or whatever. And then you come back in the car ride, and sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. Most of the time it's like we're, you know, going to Starbucks to pick up an order of coffee, or we're, you know, he even sometimes is dropping me off to go runs because that's the only time I can get my run-in. So like I may not even ride home with him if it's a nice day. I might be jogging home. And then we kind of like go our separate ways. So he goes downstairs. I go upstairs. And then I'm on conference calls. And it's like, maybe we see each other and we're like, sorry, I'm getting out of call right now. Sorry, hold on. I'm busy. I, oh, I was just gonna go mo. Oh, I'm gonna throw this little laundry on. And it's like our conversations are so small. So there's this whole impression that, like, oh, maybe you're having a little afternoon delight. You both work from home. It's like, and by that, do you mean lunch? Because that's what I do with my delight yogurt I just picked up at the store. So, like this whole idea of intimacy throughout our work day is zero. And then we get to the evening, and and if we don't delay picking the kids up, which we hardly ever do because they want to come home as soon as possible, sometimes we will delay and we'll say, let's have like a beverage together if it's a really nice day, or like maybe just have a chat for a little bit and have even a half an hour sometimes. But those are fewer and farther between because our kids really want to be home, right? Ashley, like they love being love it. But then we go pick them up and then we're back into our eyes are on our children, or we're dividing and conquering. He's keeping them busy while I'm making dinner. Oh, guys, and it's bath night. And it's bath night. And as I'm looking, like, if I'm watching us, there isn't like smooches happening. There aren't hugs happening. Like, literally, at some point, he might go, We haven't had a hug all day. Come here. And they're like, Leave me alone. I'm making dinner or whatever. Like, don't make me. Or you're overstimulated. I'm already overstimulated. Yes. Take another thing. Yeah, but there's no like pats on the booty or like grabs here and there. Like, there's none of this happening because we are so, I don't know, just doing actually. Doing. And then we go through the night, right? The kids are down at maybe 8:30 if we're lucky. And essentially, then we're lumps on the couch watching our latest episode of Fill in the Blank, and we're on separate ends of the couch. Like, we're not even snuggling. And I don't want to snuggle at that point. Like, I'm so tired. So tired. So, yeah, that's my day. And then we can talk about how it we could do different, but what's your day?

SPEAKER_00 7:40

I mean, I'm playing Legos. No, I've like it, you know, but like your morning. How does your morning start? I mean, it is it is just like one of the kids wakes me up. Finally, my little has been sleeping through the night. Woo! Like, I want to cry about it. That's amazing, by the way. This has been a long time. I literally would just and I've never been a jump in our bed parent, like ever. Yeah. I'm like, I will go in your room, but I have been so tired, probably the perimetopause of it all, that like I'm just like, jump in, jump in. So I'm like, at that point, I've spent 24 hours with this kid. And I am like, don't even look at me to the kid. Like, you know, don't snow anybody. You wake up, I'm a protein early bar in the morning, get my cup of coffee, get the kids whatever, and now we're in camps. So it's drop one kid off, pick one kid up, do the thing, make a quick lunch, put someone down for a nap. If I'm lucky, I work out quick while my daughter's doing some sort of activity. Then we go outside for a little bit, then we make dinner. Then Brad comes home. I was gonna say, have you seen Brad in the morning at this point? I mean, oh yeah, sorry. I'm fast tracking. No, I have so he'll get up and say hi and jump in the shower, uh-huh, pack his lunch and go. So it's very quick. Yeah, it's very quick. There's no time. But he loves spending time with the kids in the morning, which I love to get a little like, okay, I can't. This is nice for me too. I can like prep the kitchen or do whatever. Yes. But it's like then after it's like dinner, I clean up, he's playing with the kids. Yeah. So we're separate then. And then it's like we put the kids together, but and then I'm like, I jump in bed right away. So he'll probably have to show her something, but I'm like, I'm so tired at that point. And it's just crazy. And I think the biggest thing that I'm missing out and all that is just like conversing and being like, what did you think about this today? Right. What did you like? How can you? Can we even take a look back? Yes, how was your day? Or like instead of just sharing schedules, it comes so tactical almost. And how are we gonna get through the calendar that you miss the joy? Yes, and almost the closeness, right? And and we know that this is a phase, but I think the biggest thing, like I mentioned earlier, is like noticing like, hey, there's like a trend happening here. Like we change course. Can we like switch this up or like whatever? And we've just had this conversation that we're in the point though, like, we love spending time with the kids. Like this is the season, we can't also do it all the time, but I kind of prefer for us all to go out to dinner than do a date night. Yeah. Because that's just like kind of where we're at. And like our date nights are nice, and I love those too. But like I'm fine, this is gonna sound sad, but I'm finally in the stage of like my kids are fun. Like, you know, my little one is like interacting now and still. And they can sit still in a restaurant longer. Saying stuff, and like yesterday he was walking around the house singing silent night. Oh my, dying. That's so precious. You know, but it's it's really hard. I think too, when you almost feel out of touch.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Yes, your partner, you don't even know what they're going through. No, and so let alone the intimacy. Like, forget that. That's way out the window. Totally. We don't even know how their day was, or we don't even know like what's bug bugging them, or if anything is bugging them sometimes. Like, literally the other morning, I had to stop him in the kitchen. I shared this, I think, you know, for um one of our uh stories that we share with our followers on Instagram is like I had to like intentionally grab Matt in the morning before he scurried downstairs and to tell him what was bothering me and to tell him, and I had lots of time to think about it, and I really like formulated what do I need to say to express the level of challenge I'm experiencing. And it was like this intentionality of like, this is the moment where I can't let another day go by without him knowing what's stressing me out or what's hurting me right now, or or what's causing my overwhelm. And there was this like, don't push it off, don't stuff it down, like have the conversation moment. And it was like, I had to really be like, Can you please stay here for for 10 minutes so I can talk to you? And it's so wild to think about that, Ashley, because prior to children, all we had was time. It was like you could talk about your life's dreams, your goals, your ambitions, everything. I'm like, I don't think I relished in that enough. No, I know, but we didn't even realize because you don't have any comparator, right? No, you don't. So I also think about something that came up as we were thinking about this topic, Ashley, is I was watching um a podcast recently with uh a couple being interviewed, and the individual, the woman, said, you know, we have been in therapy and we do therapy proactively, not just when things are going bad. And I was like, okay, well, I don't again don't have time for it. I don't want to make time for it right now at this stage of my life, and I don't know um it how that would fit in with my life. However, she said, our therapist said, you know, you're you have three children, you need to make a weekly date night. And I thought to myself, weekly? Are you insane? And the reason I thought that is like, okay, we've got swimming, we've got soccer, we've got gymnastics, we've got all this stuff. And what I need more time of is the four of us being home. And so I relish those evenings where it's all four of us together and we can just be at our house, right? And so I don't necessarily think I even want weekly, but I will say Matt and I really try to do a monthly date night, and that just gives us enough to have that connection to talk about those things. And so I would say if you number one, not everybody can afford a date night, like whether you have to get a sitter or if your parents aren't near, they're expensive. That's but if you have a village, you know, if you have the friend who is willing to watch, but then it's like, can you even do a mini one where maybe you are home by bedtime because then you don't have to worry about someone else putting your kid to sleep? Like I do think there's major benefits in that. And and I do think it's an investment um that doesn't always feel good. And I think that's what came up is how do we drop the guilt? You know, because you feel as such that you're making these exchanges with your time, right, Ashley? It's like if I go on the date night, that means I don't have time with my children. Right. It's those balls, right? You're juggling all the balls, some are gonna drop, some are gonna bounce, some are gonna break. Right. And I think that the one thing about our marriages that I that I always go back to as kind of like a why do I need to make this time? Is because if I don't display what love is for my children consistently with Matt, then they won't know what to look for in a partner.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

If that isn't a trigger for some people to try make the time, right, I don't know what's gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

Like we tend to repeat as human beings what's modeled to us. You know, I was modeled a very difficult relationship growing up, and I actually reacted the opposite of what I sought out. Um, and then Matt has had a model from his parents of like this beautiful, enduring love. And I think the importance of having connected parents to one another is something that can go by the wayside, and that we don't realize the perceptions that are being transferred to those little people who are watching us. Like, for example, I would get really snippy with Matt, and I still do. I'm working on it, honey. I am working on it, but like I could be very dismissive in my tone. And then I was starting to see my daughter, you know, say things in a similar tone to Matt. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I feel terrible because but I have modeled it. And you know, she'll even say, like, I don't want daddy in my room. And I'll say, Why? We love daddy, you know, and so now I am really thoughtful of saying really positive things about him. Like you at bedtime, I'll even say, like, you know, you have the best dad. He did this with you today, and he did this, and he did this, and he's just such a wonderful guy. I couldn't have picked a better daddy for you. And and reflecting back our love for our partner to our children can really help strengthen their relationship, which is what I'm highlighting, but also remind them of the qualities of a partner to seek out.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

Absolutely. It's so important. I love that so much. And I think that also might lead to wanting to have more date nights or quality time when you're being so positive to each other.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

Yeah. Who wants to be around someone who's snapping at them all the time? Like, and I and I totally like handheld semi-high. I'm not proud of it. It's like, I wouldn't want to hang out with me if I was, you know, being rude all the time. Same.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

There's some nights where again, I'm so overstimulated at the end of the night, and I like I'm a pressure cooker and I blow my valve, and yeah, it happens. Chill out, girl. Like sometimes I just find and I'm like, I don't like the way I'm to myself. Like, I'm like, no, no, this is not okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

And I think there's this moment of like another thing that's more practical about what we're talking about is intimacy here. And intimacy is not just sex, it's it's about how we have deep feelings and relational, you know, vibes with people. Connection, right? It's all about connection. And so I think about moments when I feel like, you know, maybe Matt and I are in aligned in a topic and like we're kind of arguing. Maybe it's like kind of in front of the kids, or and it's not usually big and it's not like super disrespectful, but it's just like little things. And like he has turned to me and said, like, we're on the same team. You and I are on the same team. It's them versus us. It's not you and I and see another you're not outnumbered. Yes, yes. But there is this kind of like reminder of looking over at your partner and thinking to yourself, like, you are my partner. You are my person to help to help hold it down. It is not me with the children or you with the children, it's us. Totally. And there's a reason it's called partner, right?

SPEAKER_00 17:39

Like I think that's you partner together because you are on the same team to accomplish the same goals. Right. And hopefully you like each other along the way.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

Exactly. And I think that's that's the key though, is like how we look at them. You know, it was really cute. Another thing I was listening to recently was like this elder couple who does um therapy for for uh people in in marriages, and essentially the way they were looking at each other was with this like adoring gaze. And I don't look at like I don't like I'm not like, oh my gosh, he is just the cutest. Like we've been together 19 years, okay? We know each other's highs, lows, and in-betweens at this point. We know each other's bad habits, good habits, all the rooms for improvement, all the habits. And then you're stimulated overstimulated. And so you get that like little sneer, like, are you really? Like, did you just did you just fart? Like, are you kidding me? And like you're just mean about it.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Or like, you know, you you know that makes me mad. Yeah. Why do you think that's it? Why did you do that? Why did you say it that way? What do you mean?

SPEAKER_01 18:37

Yeah, you know that's my trigger. Why is the sun setting right now? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, anything. It could be like, did you empty the garbage that way? It's like they emptied the garbage, okay? So like let them do it. But but I do think there's something about like taking a moment, if you really are at a point of like complete dissonance with intimacy with your partner, of saying, How are you looking at them? How does your face look to them? Right. So if you're looking like this, like, is that gonna make them have intimacy with you? No, that's a face of rejection. And if you're not watching on video, I encourage you to. Um, is that, you know, can you look at them more like this? Like seeking to understand, you know, like with an earnest love. And it's not easy to do. Like, there's a lot of reprogramming I think I need to do, Ashley. But like that is something that I that really made me pause and go, I don't look at him the way he deserves to be looked at, which is with some ad with some adoration.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Well, and body language is so huge in all sense of communicating. It helps people interpret what your intention is. Yes, exact twin. Hey, Jenx says, Yo make how cheers the Benti. Um but yeah, no, I think that's so great. So let's let's take it back. Because we love reminiscing. Yeah, at least I do. Time is old as the tale as old as time. So if you had one tiny little thing that you remember and you cherish from your pre-kid era, what do you genuinely miss about that? There's so many. Yeah. Again, we love our children, so we love our lives, but like it was a different time. We were different people. There's things where I'm like, oh, that what's yours?

SPEAKER_01 20:26

I would say I loved going on trips, just he and I, and we'd go to cities and we'd explore and we'd go and check out new coffee shops and restaurants, and like it just felt like we were really engaging with life one and with one another, and we'd talk about what we were experiencing and we'd kind of like walk around. And there was just so such beauty in the fact of like no schedule and no to-do that is truly what I miss the most. But also, it got to a point in our journey of ha wanting to have kids for so long that I was like, I'd like a little chaos, I'd like a little bit more, less of this, you know? So like it kind of swung woo in the opposite direction. But what about you? What's something that comes up to the street?

SPEAKER_00 21:08

I was gonna say the exact same thing is not having a schedule. Yes. And going with the flow. And again, we're starting to do that more. I think as my kids get a little older. Right. But we have commitments or we have more of them, right? We've got all these other things happening. But I just loved that. Like, what do you want for lunch? Oh, we could eat lunch at one or two because we don't have people that are gonna break down at 11. Exactly. Like, you know, and just kind of like, oh, feel it out, make like seed of your pants decisions. Yes. Where, you know, it could just kind of do, trust your gut, do what feels good, and that's it.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Well, I think we could all just be investing a little bit more time in the relationships that have really built our lives and show more love and tenderness to who we love truly at the end of the day. And I hope this just inspired you guys to take a moment and think about your intimacy, your relationship in a new perspective. And I just want to remind everybody that this is just a season. Wherever you are, you can always reinvent your partnership so that it's more fulfilling. So, Ashley, I think this is a great opportunity to just say thank you for taking a moment, hearing a little bit about our current struggle. And maybe you saw some of it yourselves. And if you have any ideas, feel free to send them our way because we're all ears. Shoot us a DM. Yes, but please remember everyone, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

If you're loving us, feel free to follow us on Instagram. You can listen to us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll talk again soon. Cheers.