The Toxic Positivity Trap

Have you ever opened up about something painful only to hear, "Everything happens for a reason”, "Just stay positive”, or “it could be worse"? Chances are, the person saying those words meant well. Most people aren't trying to dismiss our feelings; they're trying to comfort us. But sometimes, those well-intentioned responses can leave us feeling unheard, misunderstood, or even guilty for experiencing difficult emotions in the first place. Today, we're talking about toxic positivity; the pressure to maintain a positive attitude no matter what's happening in our lives. We'll explore what toxic positivity really is, why it's become so common in our culture, how it can affect our emotional well-being and relationships, and what healthy, genuine support looks like instead. Because true resilience isn't about pretending everything is okay; it's about making space for the full range of human emotions while finding hope in honest and meaningful ways.

Music by: Matthew McGrath https://www.instagram.com/matthewmcgrathmusic

https://www.instagram.com/bubbles_and_breakdowns

And remember, after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Welcome to Bubbles and Breakdowns, a space designed for you to show up as your beautifully imperfect self, where we dive into the good, the bad, and the bubbly.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

I'm Katrina and I'm Ashley. Have you ever opened up about something painful only to hear everything happens for a reason? No. Just stay positive. Or it could be worse. Chances are the person saying those words are they mean well, right? Most people aren't trying to dismiss our feelings. They're trying to comfort us. But sometimes those well-intentioned responses can leave us feeling unheard, misunderstood, or even guilty for experiencing difficult emotions in the first place. So today we're talking about toxic positivity, the pressure to maintain a positive attitude no matter what's happening in our lives. We'll explore what toxic positivity really is, why it's become so common in our culture, and how it can affect our emotional well-being and relationships. And what healthy, genuine support looks like instead. So because true resilience isn't about pretending everything is okay, it's about making space for the full range of human emotions while finding hope in honest and meaningful ways.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

This is a big one. And I hate to say I've said it happens for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

I was just gonna say I am the it happens for a reason human. But I always think it brings hope.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

Yeah. And that's the intention, I think, when people say it, right? At the end of the day, when you are in a place that you are not able to receive it, it can just cut you, right? It can make you feel like what you're going through doesn't matter. It can minimize your experience. It cannot create space for you to feel comfortable to open up. And when I think of it that way, I'm like, oh, what an ass. Why did I say that?

SPEAKER_00 2:11

And I feel like it's so two-sided because I feel like some people like me and you probably in that moment are like, oh, we want to give them hope or just say, like, you know, if they've been thinking like, let's say, like a cycle of negative thoughts, something that just just like cuts it. Right. You want to get them out of it. Totally.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

You want to help them, but you're not.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Right. But also you don't want to disminish or dismiss their feelings. Yeah. By you maybe avoiding your own discomfort in discussing this topic with them, which is like tough to do. Or you might think like maybe they don't want to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Right. And and when you look at the definition of toxic positivity, it's so like it's so it sounds so ridiculous. So I'm gonna read it. Okay. So it's the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset regardless of how difficult or painful a situation is. Like, no.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Is it bad that like the the Catholic Church crossed my mind? Oh zinger. No. Yeah, no, I don't think that's bad at all. But it's just kind of like the thing that came to my mind. Like, how do you be truthful or help someone in that definition? You can't.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

No, you can't be truthful, and then you definitely can't. So toxic positivity is this whole, I don't know, way of being that just says, Oh, it's fine. It's fine, everything's fine. I'm fine. Everybody's fine, and it's no one is fine. It's like one tier. And then all of a sudden that person probably kicks over from a heart attack. But at the end of the day, there's a big difference between healthy optimism, which I think is like what you were talking about, which is like, it's gonna get better, or like this too shall pass. Or, you know, what I always go to is like nothing's permanent. I really believe that. But but there's a big difference between that and toxic positivity. When people come to us and say things like, oh, just think positive, or you know what, others have it worse, or everything happens for reasons, good vibes only, which by the way, I had a t-shirt that said good vibes only, and just recently, probably in the last few months, threw that thing out because I I looked at this, I was like, no, fuck it.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

It's it's not good vibes only, it's whatever vibe I'm feeling. It's the new house rag. Like you know, people like rip their t-shirts up for like cleaning. There you go.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

We're gonna wipe it with good vibes only. Seriously, but wipe it up. But I don't also like when I look at relationships, I don't want good vibes only. Totally. Like I want all of it. I want you crying, I want you happy. And I always think about screaming, crying, throwing up. Yes, yes, but bring it all. And and I just think there's another quote that's like if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. And there's these friendships that sometimes form where they're like, oh, well, she used to be fun. And it's like, yeah, she used to be fun before she got a divorce and or her dad died, and or you know, she took on motherhood and it was a lot more challenging than she thought it was gonna be. And you want to know what? That person still needs friends, you know, and eventually maybe they'll get back to that fun, you know, fill in the blank person. But life happens. And if we are just bulldozing and saying, Oh, I don't want to bring so-and-so because they're a drag, or I they're gonna bring the room down. Like that is that's a bit of toxic positivity. And not only is it toxic positivity, but that can be very dismissive, you know, and and I don't want friendships like that, Ashley. Totally, like at all.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

No, I'm gonna sign up. 100% with you. And but I also believe there is a time and a place for your emotions, right? Like, like don't, don't drag the room down for sure. Yes. Like we're saying, don't bring that like, but totally, totally with you. And I think, you know, I think also some of the biggest, best relationships I have with people is when we are being completely vulnerable and we meet these traits or these, I hate to say traits, but like right, right, like meet these feelings head on. And it can be scary too for the other person who's trying to share that. So if if all they're hearing are these positive sayings, you know, that's gonna really hurt them.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Or it's gonna minimize what they're willing to share with you. Right. Or it's not gonna foster trust and openness. And I think there's just so many more negative impacts. And like I said, handheld up, I said, I have said like everything happens for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Same.

SPEAKER_01 6:44

And I have a tattoo.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

I have a tattoo.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

I'm just just kidding. Yeah, it's on your um your tramp stamp.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

My lower back tattoo.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

Yes, your lower back tat. No, but like I I don't know. I I when I think about people who are like this, there's a little bit of envy where I'm like, oh, they just walk around, it's everything sunshine and rainbows. But when you think about like what it why are they saying these things? You know, are they trying to help us or are they trying to avoid discomfort? Because maybe it's both. Totally. Like they don't want the bad vibes. Right. And maybe it brings them down, or maybe they're so much of a sensey that they're like, oh, I'm too empathetic, and that's gonna make me feel really sad and like you know, cry or fill in the blank. And and they want to avoid that for themselves. So there's two things. There's it could be the either external where they're focusing on another person's emotions and wanting to make them feel better, or it can be internal of like they're preventing pain and discomfort for themselves.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Right. I feel like it's so funny because like I'm definitely not like, okay, eighth time I'm saying this now, that that everything happens for a reason person. But like I love when people open up to me because I want to shelter them. No, that's not what I'm trying to say. I want to like share that burden and I want to help them navigate or at least open up because think about how freeing that feels. Right. Just to say, like, I'm in this messed up situation or I my feelings are X, Y, and Z in a negative head space. It's to share that with somebody, not to bring them down, but just to say, like, hey, I need a human to help guide me. Right. And like, there's so many hidden costs to not sharing. Right. Well, the stress. Totally the stress, or you're like, increase your shame.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Shame is a really big one. Shame's hard. And and I think that's so important. Cause then you could be shaming someone without knowing it by saying everything happens for a reason. And they're like, but I don't believe that. And why did this happen? Right. I mean, actually, sometimes with people, I'm like, actually, it there's no reason this happened. It's just bad things happen to good people. Totally. You know, and and that's been another one that I've said. Maybe that's toxic.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

I don't think I actually think that's realistic, but I think that's better than everything happens for reason. Because think of, I mean, really hot topics of like death. Yes. That killed, like you never. What's the reason? There's no reason. No, there's not. So there is like better directive ways to do that. And but yeah, you I feel like we've all probably I've been dismissed before.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Yes, I felt dismissed. Or felt dismissed, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:18

You know, and it is soul crushing. And it kind of strained my relationship with that person. And you know, and it was actually like a conversation that I had with them about us. It wasn't just something I was sharing.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

And it just really scarred, I think the friendship. It did. And, you know, I I think that's important for people to understand too.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Is, you know, take me as I am, but love me at my worst, or whatever, you know, that saying is. Like I know you mentioned earlier, and it's um, people never forget.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

I agree. I agree. But, you know, and I think that what what I just heard you say is you're dismissed for your feelings. And and to me, that can be toxic positivity, or it can be like, I just don't want to even have this conversation and people are just avoiding it. Totally. You know what I mean? Totally. So it is different, but I feel like it can be the same thing where it's like, nope, we're not gonna talk about this. Like it's not a big deal. It doesn't matter. Like when you said dismiss, like it doesn't matter. Like that's really, like, that's really dismissive. But I think there's the other side of the coin, which is that well-intended, maybe toxic positivity person, which is they just don't know what the hell to say. Totally. They just don't have the words, and they're like, Hold on, home Hallmark card greetings. What is the appropriate thing? Everything happens for a reason. This too shall pass. You know, you're gonna make it out on the other side. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Tomorrow's another day. Every day's a new day to make a new story. You know, fill in the blank Hallmark greeting card, but it gives a little bit of this like humanistic urge to feel like we have to say something. When in fact, maybe the best thing you can say is, I'm so sorry you're going through that. I have not I don't know what to say.

SPEAKER_00 11:02

And I think there's something too so powerful about just listening.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

Not hearing, actually listening. Yes. Being heard, being acknowledged in, you know, having someone share. And that's such a hard thing to do. Like there's things in the past where like I remember even sometimes today, like you're listening to a conversation, but you're kind of more thinking what you're gonna say next, right? Like you're not really present and listening to someone's feelings and absorbing that the way you should be. And sometimes not every conversation requires a response.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

So maybe you want to make yourself feel better by saying these positive attributes, you know, I was gonna say attributes, and that's not even the right word. Affirmations. Yeah, affirmations, yeah, whatever. But like sometimes you just have to listen.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Yes. Yes. So we were looking in in part of the prep, Ashley. You put together some of these, what healthy positivity look looks like. And I I loved these because it takes some of the traps. I'm gonna call them like toxic positivity traps. That's a good one. That's a good one. Essentially, like we can go back to the Hallmark greeting hard because we that's all we remember. But I I I loved this. And this one, the first one that you had found is one that I was just reflecting on about my daughter. So my daughter can get very emotional, has some separation anxiety. And I'll say to her, like, you don't need to cry. And then what she has said to me in recent days is but I can cry. And then I say to her, I go, Yes, you absolutely can cry. I just want you to think about how that's ultimately, you know, how that's making you feel. And instead of telling her, don't cry, this is the example you found. I love this rephrasing, which is I'm here with you. However, sometimes I have to go. But but no, I think that's really important of saying, like, don't cry, sweetie. Dry your eyes, instead being like, I'm here with you, let it out. Like I thought that was such a beautiful reframe. And I don't know if someone said that to me, I'd be like, Thank you. I was feeling quite alone, actually. And I'm so glad you're here. Totally. You know, so I love it. It validates you. It validates you a hundred percent.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

You want to take the next one? I will. So instead of you'll get over it. This sounds real. My mom has said that to me. You'll get over it. You'll get over it. Um, this sounds really hard. Right. Right. That are me feel better.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

Yes, acknowledging that this is a good thing. Whatever. Totally. Right. I think that's beautiful because again, with these reframing, you're you're acknowledging the person's feelings, you're not dismissing them, and you're saying, Yeah, I see you. You know? So here's the next one. This is the one we've been talking about. Everything happens for a reason. Back tap. And then it's that I don't have the perfect words, but I'm listening. And that also feels good. And it feels it's honest.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

I was just gonna say it is truthful and honest. People aren't looking for at least when except for my top five when I'm real we mentioned this in this previous episode about trusting your instincts. But no, just really like I will never forget. I was um watching, I don't know, something on the gram. And it's like most conversations when people are coming to you, they're not asking for advice. Yes. They are trying to vent and connect and feel acknowledged. So by saying this, I don't have the perfect words, but I'm listening, can make them feel supported.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

Mission accomplished. Totally. Right. It's and you're you're creating space, you're holding that space. And I think I know it sounds like, oh gosh, yeah, holding space and da-da-da. But no, we we are not here to, you know, give therapy to people. Right. When they're coming to us, like totally they aren't looking to us like we're Dr. Phil. They know that you don't have the answers. If they thought you did, they'd be paying you your hourly rate of whatever a you know therapist. I definitely would charge.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

I would charge as well. But I and I think too, just like this is like a really good segue into like what are good tips for us, us well-meaning people, yeah, to avoid this. And I think the first one is to just ask them, do you want advice? Or do you want me to listen? And I think even just taking that right off the bat, like, you know, I wish that's something my husband would ask me. Cause usually I'm just like, just listen to me. Like, you know, but like that's that's a big one for me.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

I love that. There the and we've talked about that on a different episode as well, is like, hey, I'm gonna sit you down and I just want you to listen, or hey, I want you to help me solution. And even you can take control of that. They totally wait for the other person to do it.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

But I think this is a big one, and this could be like a theme that we all go back to when we feel like we're drifting to the hallmark, hallmark section and say, let's replace fixing with validating. I'm not going to fix your problem. I'm going to validate that your emotions are your emotions are appropriate. Yes, warranted, that you are in a difficult situation, that there may not be an answer, and that I don't have the words to say. And I think that that that's so great. Cause we as human beings, we're, I think we're naturally wired to like want to fix stuff.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

We are. I think so too. Or like think we have all the answers, right? When again, I'd be charging everybody for the book of Ashley. Like, like, you know what I mean? Like, but I think it's important too in all of this. Emotions are so fleeting, yeah, and they are so intense, but two can exist at the same time. So it's not to downplay this hopefulness, right? That we're maybe saying some of these toxic positivity sayings or support can provide. Yeah. But it's more, I think, just saying, you know, here's some hope, but realizing someone's also scared, like validating that and helping them leave in a mindset. Again, it's not your job to do that. Right. But if you care about that person and you realize that they are in this in a tough situation or a tough place mentally, which I think you know, most of us have been in, you you know when you have that conversation with someone and you're open, you're honest, you feel better. And I think that's in all of this, that's the goal.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

And I I love that last one about two emotions existing at once because sometimes people say you should be grateful. Somebody else has it worse. And the thing is, you can be grateful and overwhelmed. Totally. You can be grateful and sad. You can be grateful and very tired. And I think that beauty in realizing that we are complex humans that can hold space for multiple emotions at once, and that it's not like some magic recipe that all of a sudden gratitude just supersedes feelings of sadness, loneliness, overwhelm, discomfort. And that's what makes us so, I don't know, interesting in a way, is that we can go fluidly between all of these emotions, even in an hour. You can go from being angry to sad to being back in love with your partner in one conversation.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

And thanks to perimetopause, it happens a lot more frequently, too.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

I love it. Should this be an episode that's dedicated to mood stabilization? I'm kidding. Why not?

SPEAKER_00 18:47

Anybody want to advertise with us? Um, no, but I know I think that's it's it that's beautifully put, so important. And I think, too, I'd love to just end this our episode just talking about how important connection is. Like I know we're talking about this is completely different than toxic positivity, but I think in all of this, the things that make us different than animals are is our ability to connect with one another.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

And that's important. So listen to what people are saying to you. I think that active listening is so, so important. Remember two emotions can exist. Validate somebody and just be there.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

I love it. What a beautiful way to end. Just a good reminder to not always have the perfect words, to tap into your heart to really listen and connect with people, bring them closer instead of pushing them away. I hope you guys have enjoyed this episode. And please remember that after every breakdown, don't forget the bubbles.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

If you're loving us, please go ahead and listen to us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. Follow us on Instagram, like, share, subscribe. Do all things. Tell your grandma, tell your mom. We love you. No toxic positivity. Have a good day.