Why You Keep Falling Back Into Old Patterns (And How to Finally Change It)

If you keep saying you’re going to change… but keep doing the same thing anyway — this is why.

This is the exact pattern I see with clients every single week.

 With food, workouts, relationships… you know what to do, but in the moment, you just don’t do it.

And then you’re left thinking: “Why do I keep doing this?”

In this episode, I’m breaking down what’s actually happening -- because it’s not that you’re lazy or don’t care enough.

You’re reacting. Not choosing.

We get into:

• why most of your behaviors are automatic (and why awareness isn’t enough to change them)
• what’s actually going on in your brain when you “fall off”
• the difference between your reactive self vs. the version of you you actually want to be
• and how to start interrupting that pattern in real time

I also walk through real examples with food, workouts, and relationships so you can actually apply this -- not just understand it.

Because once you get this, you stop feeling like you’re out of control…
and you start showing up like the person you keep saying you want to be.

See you inside 💌

xx Laini 

Time Stamps: 

00:00 Introduction to Reactive vs. Choosing Behavior 

02:51 Understanding Reactions and Regrets 

06:12 The Role of Obstacles and Responses 

09:01 Patterns, Habits, and Neural Pathways 

12:09 Ego vs. Higher Self 

14:54 Reflecting and Planning for Change 

17:46 Executing New Responses and Identity Transformation 

21:07 Transforming Identity Through Choices 

27:06 Mindful Eating: Breaking the Guilt Cycle 

31:50 Intentional Responses in Relationships 

35:29 Aligning Actions with Your Higher Self 

I talk about this kind of stuff a lot more on IG → @lainijojo

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey girls, welcome back to Her Revival. I'm Lainey. If you're new here, and especially if you are, oh baby, do we got a good topic to talk about today? I woke up this Saturday morning. It's 8 a.m. for me right now, but I usually wake up around five and going through my morning routine, and I just felt like I needed to talk about this because let me tell you, this is something that comes up every single week across multiple occasions with the check-ins with my clients. So I'm currently an online fitness and nutrition coach. I've been doing it for over five years now. Uh, was an in-person trainer before that too. And we see this come up all the time with your health and fitness journey, but it happens in every other area of your life. And when you understand what we're about to go through today, I'm gonna break it down so you understand what's going on in your brain. I always feel like that's so practical. Like, let's give you an owner's manual for how that works, and then you can kind of get whatever result result that you want out of it. And then you see these examples that we're talking about. The goal for myself, for anybody listening here by the end of this episode is you feel like you can fully take control of this and show up exactly how you want. So this is not going to be something that controls you anymore. All right, got it? That's a big promise, but I think we can do this. So tell me this. Let me know if you've ever said, I'm not doing that again. And then you did it again. Whether it's with food, how you reacted to someone or skipping something that you said you would do, this is exactly why you do it. That's what we're talking about today. And the problem isn't that you don't know better, because that's the frustrating part that you technically know better, right? It's that you're reacting, not choosing. So let's change that. So I want to normalize first and foremost. We all have moments or things that we quote unquote regret after. So, come some examples. Maybe you keep saying that you want to be more intentional with your nutrition, right? You want to start tracking your macros because you want to finally learn how to feel your body, you know, get a little bit more protein in, eat a little bit more whole foods. But then by Thursday, you are exhausted and you're stressed from the week and you just totally forgot that my fitness pal exists. Whatever food you prepped in your fridge, it just doesn't exist. We're gonna let that go bad. And we're gonna order DoorDash. Or maybe your boyfriend or husband, your partner does that thing that you've asked him not to do a million times already, and you don't even have time to process before the words just start coming out of your mouth. And you know you need you sound like you're nagging, and like you know he never actually changes when you say it like that, but you just need to say it again because you're so frustrated and just hope that this time it lands and it finally gets through to him. Or maybe you keep saying that you're actually going to be consistent with going to the gym or going to bed on time or stretching, but you still don't. And that's been your intention or your news resolution or whatever for however long. So we all, like again, we all if you felt called out by that. Yeah, I felt called out by those two, by the way. Like just things that I've done. We all have moments that we regret after we look back and we're like, oh, uh maybe maybe I don't want to handle it that way if I was gonna redo it again. Something happens, and that's like this, it triggers something. Uh like just a response, a reaction from you. It's kind of like this obstacle, and you just react automatically, right? Like you don't even really think about it, you just do it. And then later we think about it and we're like, hmm, maybe I would do something different right now. And later then, that's where we we think about it, and we have that like regret or we have that frustration because you know better. You know you actually don't want to do the thing that you just did, but you still did it. And you think and you ask yourself, why do I keep doing this? But the key idea right here, you guys, and hopefully this just gives you a little bit of like relief, or maybe when I pack this a little bit more, most of our behavior is reactive. It's automatic, it's not intentional. Like over, I don't remember, I don't know the exact percentage, and I'm sure it changes. Uh, so the numbers are just kind of like a base to go off of, but over 50%, like I think it's closer to 100 of our reactions and decisions and things that we make, and the stuff that we do, like they're they're reactive, like they're not actually choices that we are making. Um, it's just automatic. So when we realize this, we're like, whoa, okay, so lots of things I'm actually not intentionally choosing. So, number one, you're like, how do I actually, if that's just how most of us do it, what do I do about it? We're gonna talk about it. Um, but again, like this is super, super normal. And that's why I say, like, I want to help you guys understand how your brain works and how your body works and how all this stuff works. Because if someone gives you an owner's manual, because nobody gave us an owner's manual. We came into this world as a human. We're like, I just gotta figure this out. When someone gives you an owner's manual of like how this stuff works and why you do what you do, it is so empowering. And you're like, I finally see how I can how I can change this. So the reframe that I want you guys to have when when this happens is the obstacle that you are facing is not the problem. That's actually not your problem. Your reaction is the quote unquote problem, which is good because we can change that. We can't necessarily change the obstacle, but we can change our reaction because everything that you face is an opportunity to not react or to react just differently. So obstacles are always gonna happen in life. We cannot control what happens to us. Like we've heard that all the time. Triggers are always gonna exist. Something that triggers you to react automatically or um do something that maybe you wouldn't have felt been aligned to do, right? You don't control what happens to you. You do not get to control that. And I know all of us either recovering, raising my hand right now, recovering control freaks and perfectionists, or maybe you're like, I need to recover from that. We'll work through that together. You don't get to control what happens to you. But what we can control is your response. And we hear this time and time again, but it's so hard to figure out like how do I actually do that in the moment? That's what I want to be able to help with. So, because the situation is not the issue. And sometimes we can avoid situations, but other times we just can't. We can't avoid the situation. We have a stressful week at work. The situation is always gonna come up where we want to just go throw our nutrition goals out the window and just eat the, eat the whatever, right? Eat the Doordash. There's always gonna be situations where your partner does something and it irritates you, and you're gonna have to respond to that somehow. There's always gonna be the situation where you don't feel like going to the gym. You don't feel like stretching, you don't feel like doing whatever you said you were gonna do. But if you don't choose to do the thing, like the situation's always gonna come. So you just have you need to change your reaction. But it's so hard to do that, right? That's what you're like, otherwise I would have done that, Laney. Okay, yeah, I get that. And I was in the same way. I was like, I get that. I people say this, but what do I do with this? So this is this is the how we're gonna approach this together. And this is something that if someone had told me, I don't know, a decade ago, however long ago, when I first started trying to figure out nutrition, fitness, relationships, just being a little bit more aware of myself versus maybe the middle schooler who kind of goes through life and doesn't think about things. If someone told me this, holy crap, would my life be different. But when I finally learned this, holy crap, is my life different. So my point is it's never too late. You're like, oh, I wish I would have learned that sooner, but now you know it now, and you can use this going forward the rest of your life. So your reaction is what's gonna create your outcome. So, how do we create a different outcome? If we don't like the outcome that we're getting, how do we, how do we get a different one? And all this starts with your brain. So, the first part that I want to talk about with your brain right here is your brain runs on patterns and habit loops. Your brain wants to conserve energy. As much, our our our bodies are so smart, our brains are so smart. It wants to conserve energy. That's why I'm saying most of what we do is not like we're not thinking about choosing it. It's just automatic, it's just habitual. We're not realizing that we're doing what we're doing. Like, even just the simplest example of you drive to work the same way every day. Do you remember everything that happened in your drive to work? Or did you kind of zone out and you got there and you're like, oh, good thing I didn't get into an accident? Like that is an example. Or you just pick your phone up automatically because we just always have our phone in our hands, always we're bored. Oh, I'm immediately gonna go scroll Instagram. You didn't think to do it, you just did it, right? So our brain runs on patterns and habit loops. And especially if there's something that we've been doing over and over, or a thought or a reaction or a choice that we make, that's like a very well-trodden path in your brain. There's all these pathways for different things in your brain. And if you keep thinking the same thing or doing the same thing or behaving the same way, it's that same neural pathway that's getting stronger and stronger and stronger. So think about like if you walk across your front yard for a hundred days in a row on that same path, it's gonna wear the grass down. It's a well-trodden pathway. So let's say now we want to create a different pathway. We got to put in a little bit of work to be able to do it. We don't just automatically go down that same one. You guys tracking with me so far? So those reactions are automatic and they're subconscious. Our brain is just going down that same pathway because it always has. It's like, let's just do the same thing. Cool. So your brain just chooses what's familiar because what's familiar is safe, quote unquote safe, because your brain wants to keep you alive and just okay. And if you do the same thing, it knows that you haven't died yet. So it's like we can do that same thing, even if we don't like the outcome that we're getting. That's the crazy part. Like, are we still our brain's still gonna do that because it's just that well-trodden path, because it's just a habit that it's always gone down, it's just automatic, even if you don't like the outcome that it's getting you to. That's why this is so important to understand that because if we want a different outcome for us to get to, we have to get our brain on a different path. We can take our brain and put it, we have to put in a little bit of work to get it to that different path, but we can make that be your automatic. So now that is what you automatically do. And the outcome that you want automatically happens. Like this is this is so powerful, guys. And it's not as complicated as it might be sounding in your head. So that's why this is why awareness alone doesn't automatically change your reactions. If you're aware that you're doing that with your diet or with your partner or with skipping what you said you were gonna do, you're aware that you're doing that and it hasn't changed anything because we're still going down that same pathway because we haven't done anything to redirect that to a new one. And I want to go a little bit deeper with this, too, right here. And I think this is gonna land a good bit for you guys too. This is where it gets a little crazy, like just crazy to kind of wrap our mind around, but like, whoa, so powerful. But it's it makes it so much easier to conceptualize all of this and to really do something with it. So this has to do with your identity, which is essentially how you see yourself and who you believe that you are, and what you think you can or can't do, and what's normal for you, what's easy for you, et cetera. Like your identity of who you believe that you are. And a lot of us don't even really think about that. Like it's just kind of been programmed into us as life has gone on, and we didn't actually choose it for ourselves. And if we look at this, these are uh terms and phrases within psychology. So I know we've all probably heard about your ego, and I feel like we probably have a negative connotation of like, oh, he's got a big ego, like he's just got a big head, he's full of himself. That's not really what ego means, but there is an essence of ego within he in that situation, what's going on. So we have either your ego self or your people talk about your higher self, or maybe your aligned self, or the version of you that you actually really want to be. And you're like, yeah, if I showed up like this, I'd feel real good about myself. Like I'd feel like those are the choices I want to make, the thoughts I want to have. So your ego from a psycho, like psych psych psychology definition, is your ego's reactive, it's fear-driven, it's focused on survival and like protecting yourself and making yourself feel good and okay. Um, so it's this constructed sense of self that your brain creates, this like sense of like your ego to protect you. It's this sense of shelf. It's safe, it's shaped by like societal conditioning and thoughts and fear and what happens through your life. So we don't really choose this. And it's meant to protect us, but it doesn't help us become our best self and like grow. Um, so it operates as this tool for navigating just the world, but it often acts as this kind of prison almost, like if it's dominant, because it's like, I'm not actually really choosing this. It's this is just kind of what was shaped as I grew up and fear and stuff happened, and I'm reacting this way, and I don't like this way I'm reacting. And like, what's going on? It's this ego part of yourself that you didn't choose that's in the driver's seat of it. So, like I said, characteristics is it's fear-driven, it's reactive, it's self-serving, and it's separation focused. So when we were acting out of our ego like this, a lot of behaviors is it's gonna blame others, act as a victim, and complains about external environments. And it thinks in terms of scarcity and ego, like self-esteem and material needs. So it sounds like, oh, that's not great, right? And that's normal. We all have this, we all do this. So if you fall into a pattern of doing stuff like that, you are not there, there's nothing wrong with you. Like that's just how a lot of people are going through life, honestly. Um, because nobody talks to us about this. There's these like different kinds of parts of us and parts of our brain and things that we could kind of let take control. And when we're not intentional with it, this is what takes control. So we can give something else that control. We can decide we want something else. So instead of that ego reactive self that was shaped by your experiences and life and traumas and fear and anxiety and all those kind of things, we're like, yeah, I don't really want that steering my ship. So what do we want steering our ship? That's this version, this uh higher self or your authentic self or who you really want to be, whatever phrasing fits for you right here. But what that is, it's this it's who you really are before all that shit that you went through in life changed you and made you been that protective, scarcity, ego-driven self, right? So it's this like deep inner like wisdom and knowing of how you want to go about things. Like, so if you were reactive to a situation, you're like, oh, I wouldn't have been reactive like that. The ego is reactive. Who you when you think back and like, oh, I didn't, I wouldn't have done that again. That's that higher self talking. Hey, that's actually not the decision that we would make going forward. Um, so it's responsive and peaceful and compassionate and love-driven and aligned with what you actually want and who you actually want to be able to be. So this higher self, it takes accountability, it practices appreciation, encourages learning and growth and being able to say, oh, maybe I was wrong, but that's okay. Like that's part of life. I'm gonna mess up, I'm gonna make a mistake. How am I gonna learn otherwise? Learn what I don't want so I can find what I do want. Um, it's a very different way of thinking about these things. And it thinks in terms of like abundance and just growth and alignment with your with yourself. So just in a nutshell, the ego is reactive and just immediate and emotional and protective. And the higher self is way more intentional and aligned and thinking in this long-term vision, long-term, what do I want? Long-term, what serves me? I'm gonna choose that for myself because I love myself and I understand what I do now is gonna help shape my future long term, not just think about what do I want in this moment and be reactive and immediate right here. So your ego chooses what feels good right now. Your higher self chooses what aligns with who you want to become. So this is like the identity, and all this is coming in, dear. I'm hoping this is making sense to you guys. So the mistake that a lot of people make here when they don't understand this is that they focus on the situation instead of their response to that situation. Instead of thinking, how did I respond? What led to that choice? They're focusing on just that situation of what happened, and maybe I just shouldn't have been there or I shouldn't have done that. It's well, that's not that's not helping, right? So, this is the process that I'll go through with clients. Like I said, this comes up every single week in multiple check-ins for multiple different clients for different situations. So, this is the framework that we're gonna use to be able to help in those situations with those things where you're reacting automatically and you're like, oh yeah, now I'm seeing that's the ego part and I don't want that taking control. I would like to not keep doing that thing that I would like to not that I've been doing. So the first thing that we're gonna do, step one, is we're gonna reflect after the fact. And that's why I always say, like, let's just be grateful that the situation happened, even if we're not happy with how we handled it, because it made us aware. So we're gonna reflect. We're gonna say, what happened? What was my reaction? And why did I make that choice? And the key here is that there is no shame and there is no guilt. Because number one, we do not shame ourselves for doing the best that we could in the situation that we're we were in with the information that we had, right? We we did what we could in that situation. And then we can think and we can look back and say, I wouldn't, I would have done that differently. And that's fine. But the thing here is time travel, at least at the point I'm recording this episode, time travel doesn't exist. You cannot go back into the past. So why on God's great earth would you beat yourself up for something that you can't change? And that's not gonna make you feel any better or more empowered going into the future and making a different decision. If anything, that's gonna make you feel more demoralized of what's wrong with me, I can't get it right, perpetuating that idea that you can't change anything, you can't get it right, and you're just gonna keep doing that. So we're not gonna beat ourselves up for it. We're gonna give ourselves so much grace, but also a little bit of that tough love too, of like, hey girl, like you, that's not how we want to show up. And that's okay that you did. I get why you did it, but we're not gonna do that anymore. We're gonna choose something different, okay? And this is the step two is we're gonna decide what what do you want to do instead? That higher version of you, that aligned action where you're like, that's if I made that choice, I'd feel so freaking good. Cause that feels aligned with who I want to be, with the values that I have, with what's important to me, with what my goals are. You're pre-deciding what you would do. And then we're gonna plan. So the next time this happens, this is what I'm going to do. So it's not reactive, it's intentional. You have a plan in place for what to do. That's why there's so many with a weird example coming to mind. But let's say there's you're, you remember when we were in school and they would uh if if there was like a like a fire drill or like an active shooter or something like that, they would practice that with us, like a drill. So we knew what to do if it happened, right? And the hope was that it would never happen, but we would know what to do if it would. Weird example, but hopefully you guys are getting what I'm what I mean. Like that's why we have these plans in place. So if something happens, especially if it's something not the best, now I know how to react to that. And I and I can be intentional to it. So then the final step obviously is to execute this in real time. When that trigger or that thing comes up again, you're able to now recognize it. You're able to notice the urge to just be impulsive and react the way you have, and you interrupt the ego from just taking over because you already have a new plan in place and you choose that new response. And the most powerful powerful part of all of this is this is how you become that new version of yourself. This is how you have that new identity because identity doesn't come first. You don't just decide, oh, I'm someone who is really patient with her husband when he does XYZ. I'm someone who always makes the aligned decision with my nutrition, right? I I stay on track, whatever. I'm someone, I mean, eat the cookie, eat the pizza, whatever. Like, don't be, don't try to be like perfect and restrict stuff. But you guys hopefully get what I'm saying here. You're someone who, you know, make sure she goes to the gym versus skipping when she just like doesn't feel motivated, right? If that's the identity that you want, that doesn't come first. You don't necessarily just decide that and then like that's just who you are. Click, right? Action has to come first, and then identity follows because you make the new action and your brain realizes, oh, she's not doing that thing that she used to anymore. That used to be our identity, but now she's shown up differently. So I guess we have a different identity now. Okay, and then it's gonna change its wiring and stuff, and that's your new identity, and that's how it becomes automatic and natural for you because you've been putting in those repeated actions that are different. Your brain realizes that and it says, okay, this is our identity now. So every time that you respond differently, you prove to yourself you are no longer that old version of you. And this is like how for myself, it's incredibly easy for me to stay consistent with exercise or with my nutrition or XYZ other things, versus before, from just like that health and fitness perspective, when I was first trying to get into working out and all that kind of stuff, I was not consistent. I would have a plan and I would not do it, and then I would change it and I would not do it, and I would just all over and over for like a couple years, never actually was consistent with it. It is now in at this point incredibly easy for me to be consistent because my identity is someone who is consistent. So I want to make this practical for you guys. I want to come up with a share a couple of different examples walking through this that happens really frequently. So, number one, let's talk about the food example. So let's say you go out to eat to Mexican and you get a couple of drinks, like some margaritas, and you end up overeating a bit, right? You went ham on the chips and queso, you got whatever you would order at Mexican, you wet ham, you had a couple margaritas, and you feel like shit after, like to put it like that, you're like, I feel awful. I don't know if you guys can relate, but I used to do that all the time when I would go out, all the time. And it was like, it tasted good, but I I could tell I was getting full, and I kept going, and now I don't feel good. So it tasted good, but I don't feel good, and it kind of cancels out. Like, what why am I doing this to myself? So, what most people do, and what I used to do is I would guilt and shame and spiral, but that didn't that doesn't help anything, right? That that doesn't that doesn't change anything, it doesn't make us feel better, that's not empowering. So that's that's not the path that I would encourage that we do. So instead, we want to think about the issue is not what happened. It wasn't the situation, it was your reaction to it. So we can change that. So what we can do is instead, is we can reflect what actually happened. And we can remove the emotion. So we're not gonna have the guilt or the shame. We're gonna decide what we would do differently and plan. So next time, this is what I'll do. So, like with the eating out example, let's say, okay, I was starving. I barely ate all day because I went into it with the assumption that, oh, every time I go out to eat, I just eat way too much. So I need to save calories, so I don't eat even more today. Okay, yeah, now we just set ourselves up to be absolutely starving and ravenous and like want to eat everything inside. Okay, cool. We're not gonna do that again. We're going to make sure we eat throughout the day. We'll get some good protein in, some good fruits and veggies for fiber. All those are gonna help us feel nice and satiated so we're not starving going into it. We're gonna make sure we're hydrated because if we're dehydrated, we're gonna want to eat more. And then if we're gonna go have some of like the chips or the salsa or the queso, we're not gonna go ham on it. We're gonna have some. We're gonna maybe sip our water as we're doing it too. We're gonna make sure we have some good conversation so we're not just trying to like mow down the chips before the waiter can even come back to fill your water up. So we're being intentional. Because if you want to get a meal afterwards, if you just want the chips, eat the chips. But if you're gonna get a meal afterwards, okay, I'm not gonna get super full from that. I'm just gonna have some. I can enjoy it, but I'm I don't need to eat as much as possible of this, which is what I used to do. Um, okay, so awesome. That's a different thing I'm gonna do. And then if I'm gonna get a drink, I'm going to just I'm gonna get one, maybe two, two tops. Anything more than that, I'm probably gonna get a little bit drunk, probably gonna get the drunchies, probably gonna feel kind of hungover and crappy afterwards. I don't really want that for myself. So I'm gonna have one marg. I'm gonna get a skinny marg. Because it's still just tequila, tequila. And maybe I'll have to if I'm really feeling like it, but I think I'm gonna try to stick to like one. And then for my meal, when I last time I got like the deep fried creamy cheese covered enchilada, whatever, I don't know, different things. I usually get fajitas or tacos. But if I last time I got that, man, did my stomach not feel good from all the dairy and all the fried and oh my gosh, it was a lot. So maybe I'll get something like like fajitas are usually good. Maybe I'll get some kind of like tacos or whatever, but I'm maybe I'll get something that makes me feel a little bit better when I do that. So I don't feel as bad afterwards. Okay, cool. So I have a plan. And then as I'm eating, I'm gonna just make sure I'm having, you know, conversations with people because that's why I'm there. And if I'm starting to feel kind of full, like I'll eat a little bit slower then. And if I'm starting to feel a little bit full, I'll be able to just kind of like pause, put my fork down, maybe have another conversation about another topic. And then once that's done, I'll be able to ask myself, hey, am I am I still hungry? Am I pretty full? Do I want to take this as a leftover? Like, do I want to keep eating? And be able to check in with myself. Okay, cool. So I have a plan in place. Bonus points if you can kind of like run through that plan a couple of times in your head or like write it down, because if you get that repetition, especially if we're like vividly imagining it, your brain, this is a little side note, your brain doesn't know if something's real or imagined. It's all happening in the same part of your brain. So if you're just imagining something vividly, your brain thinks it's just a memory of like what you did. So if you repeatedly go through that, that's like how like visualization and stuff works. Um, a lot of athletes will do that. But they'll imagine themselves doing something. So their brain thinks it's already done it and it's just done it multiple times if you keep visualizing it. So the time you get to the situation, that's your automatic reaction because your brain's like, yeah, we've just been doing this anyway, even though you haven't actually done it in real life. You just did in your brain. Your brain doesn't know the difference. So anything like this, you guys, you can visualize it if that fits for you. If that sounds weird, don't do it. Um, but be able to visualize it of you showing up differently in that situation so that your brain already has a couple of uh instances of quote unquote proof, um, imagined proof, but proof to your brain that you've done it. So the next example here, I like that food one, you guys. That that one was so powerful for me when I was working through my relationship with food. Um, the second one is with the relationships here. So let's say someone says something and you snap or you get defensive, maybe you raise your voice, you have a little bit of bite in your tone, and you just have this urge to prove that you are right. And again, this is like your ego wanting protection for you. And it doesn't want you to feel wrong or bad or anything like that. But and when we're in that instance, you're like, I know I don't feel good when I react that way, especially let's say it's like your partner, you don't want to talk to them like that, right? She wouldn't want them to talk to you like that either. She's like, I don't want to, I don't want to do that anymore. So, what we're gonna do, what your higher self would do in that situation, not the ego, is they would pause and they would respond intentionally. So this is something that again, I still work on this one, especially. This one I work on because of those automatic reactions and stuff comes up and you work through one and another one comes up and you're like, oh, okay. But the more you do it, the more you understand how to do it and it becomes easier. So this is one that, like I said, I'll do where if something happens, where maybe my husband does something, like he forgets to make the rice. Cause actually, this let's let's talk to this one. This one happens a lot. And I've learned to just be like, okay, well, we have a rice cooker and we leave rice in it because we both eat a lot of rice. He's a professional bodybuilder. He eats a lot of rice. So whenever I see that it's getting low, I think, I think this might just be a woman thing. I don't know. I think, well, I'm gonna make the extra rice. I'm gonna make more rice because it's almost gone. And I know he needs way more rice than what's left here. And I want to make sure he has some for his next meal. I'm gonna think about him, right? So I'll make the, I'll make the rice, but logically, that's what I'll do. And he just doesn't think to do to do that. I love him to death, but he doesn't think to do that. You know what? If that's one of his only flaws, I'm okay with it, right? But I'll go to make some food and I'm hungry and I'm kind of rushed in the middle of the day, and I'm like, this is why I have stuff pre-made, so I actually have food to eat and I can run back to work. And there's no rice in the rice cooker. It's just empty. And I used to lose my mind about, oh my gosh, you you didn't do this, you didn't think about me. Like, how could you like what was going through your brain? What the heck? And like it sounds so silly, right? But like those little things, like that ego comes up. And at this point now, like I'll see that there's no rice and I'll say, okay. So we're gonna eat something different right now. That's fine, right? Uh, getting upset is not going to change the fact that there is no rice made right now. So that's actually not gonna help. So we're not gonna do that. We're gonna make some other food. I don't want to get worked up over this. I don't like the feeling of getting worked up, so we're not going to. And we can another time calmly say, and actually, what I find works better is instead of like the kind of nagging, is let's say he does make rice.

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Oh my gosh, thank you so much. Like you, you were thinking of me. That makes me feel so loved and so amazing. And you're able to do that.

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And now, granted, maybe he doesn't make the rice ever. You don't have an opportunity to do that. But if they do that, when they do it, it'll say they load the dishwasher, they clean something up, being able to be like, thank you, like I love you so much. Because if you want them to do that behavior again, or same thing for you. Like, if someone um says, Hey, you did a great job, you want to do it again. But if they say, Hey, you suck, you're like, Well, that just makes you feel bad. Like that that's not probably not gonna change anything. Especially if it's like they're just automatic things that they do. But let's say they don't make the rice, let's say he doesn't have an opportunity to make the rice, and I'm not able to be like, oh, like like praise for that, and hopefully reinforce that good behavior um or that good thing that he does. Be able to either, A, you decide this actually just isn't something I need to say. Like with the dishes. I don't know if any other women can relate to this one, but either the man, your man doesn't put the dishes away, or maybe he does and he's a unicorn. Love that for you. Maybe he doesn't put the dishes away, he just leaves them in the sink because he forgot the dishwasher existed. I don't know. Or maybe he like loads it weird. I what is with men loading dishwashers weird? Like, I there just seems like there's a right way to do it. But either way, being able to say, okay, I'm just gonna put the dishes away. If I want it done a certain way, or if I want to put it away, I can put it away. It takes me two seconds to do it, it's fine. Like, I can put it away. So like that's one where I'm like, I'm just not gonna say anything. But with the rice, for example, maybe it's like, hey, babe, like, you know, a couple times I've you know had a hard uh there's been no rice left, and like try to scramble between meetings and stuff, trying to get some food. And I know that you're super busy too, but if you could, it would just mean so much to me. It would help me out so much if you would, when you finish the rice or you see, it's getting low. If it'll take maybe like a minute and a half if you'd be able to fill that up. I would appreciate it so much. Um, and being able to ask outside of that situation when you are not heated, so you can say it in a way that's actually a little bit more productive, right? That's maybe how that higher self would have reacted to it. So again, we have a different plan of what we do versus just reacting automatically that's getting us that same outcome that we don't want. Um, I'm assuming y'all are like, yes, I I feel so seen with those ones, especially if you have a partner, maybe even like kids or something. Um, and then another one about like discipline with doing things too. This is the other, like the third place that this comes up a lot. So let's say you don't feel like working out or you don't feel like stretching, you don't feel like doing whatever. And the old version of you would have just followed that feeling. I don't feel like working out today. I don't feel like stretching right now, I don't feel like reading my Bible in the morning. I don't feel like doing whatever, whatever you're like, I want to do this. I know this is gonna help me feel better, reach my goal, X, Y, Z, but I just can't get myself to do it. The old version of you, she didn't, she didn't feel like doing it and she followed her feelings. Now I'm not saying fuck your feelings. I don't like that. I think sometimes we need to just like not follow the feelings, but they're valid. So we need to think of like what where's this coming up, right? Deal with it if you need to. But the new version of you, the version of you that does the thing where like, yeah, I'm really proud of myself, versus dang, I didn't really handle that the way I would have wanted to. Like, I actually don't really want to skip that because it's keeping me from my goals. The new version of you acts aligned with who you want to be. So the version of you that you want to be, maybe she's really fit and she's strong and she loves lifting and she's so empowered with it, and she has this like toned body, but she's healthy and she she just loves it, right? And it's so easy for her to be consistent, like those maybe four times a week that she goes. And she is gonna have times where she's not motivated and she still goes anyway because she has a plan and she puts it in her Google calendar and she follows it. She brings her gym bag with her to work so she can go right after work to the gym, whatever. I used to do that. That was super, super easy, uh, or made it super easy for myself. But that was that higher version of me, that's what she would do to make it so she'd be able to follow through with it. Or like the not stretching, that's a big one for me. I'm finally getting consistent with after however long. Um, and being a little bit of a hypocrite telling clients to stretch and be like, well, I wasn't making time for it either. Um, which is always a nice little kick in the butt for myself. But the version of me that I want to be, she's not in pain and achy. Guys, I'm like not even 30 and I got like back issues and whatever um from like injuries, but like I am achy and my hamstrings are tight and my hip flexors are tight and my low back is tight and everything is just tight, man. And I don't like that feeling because I don't that affects me now, and that's absolutely gonna affect me in the future. And I don't want that in the higher version of me, she's not gonna stand for that. So she would, even if she doesn't feel like stretching, she's gonna stretch. And she also would maybe pick a different time if like doing it right before bed is she's absolutely exhausted and she's got no willpower left and she just wants to go lay down. My higher self would be like, Well, that's silly to try to expect you to do it at that point. Do it in the morning or do it a different part of your day and change something. But it would be a different, it would she would think through it and pick something different. So she's able to follow through on that and then follow that versus follow the feelings. Like that's the biggest thing here. And especially if you're having a hard time like not following your feelings with it, if you can have a if the plan of what you have just doesn't quite frankly make sense, it's really working against you, change that plan a little bit. Get a little get get something like I was talking about the time for the stretching. Um, but we want to act in alignment with who we want to be, not just how we feel in that moment. Think of what would my higher version of me do right now? Because that's the version that is intentional. The current version, previous version, was a little bit more reactive, a little bit more ego-driven. So think of not what do I feel like doing, because the ego is probably gonna step in and say, Oh, you don't feel like doing that. You feel like going and sitting down and eating some chips or doing whatever. Um, so we're gonna say, what would the aligned version of me actually do? What would she actually do right now? Forget the feelings, what would she do right now? That's what we're gonna do. So we're not having the feelings be our guiding compass. It's that higher self is that guiding compass. And when people talk about like becoming quote unquote her or that higher self, I know sometimes that can sound a little like fluffy or woo-woo, but just think about it like there's a version of you. I mean, you can wake up and decide you want to be any version of you. You can wake up, you're like, I want to be a muscle mommy, I want to get as jacked as possible, I want to, I don't know, get into baking. Like there's different versions of you. Maybe a version who's really bold, maybe a version of you who's really shy and timid and just introverted, um, a version of you who's like really driven for her goals, a vision of you who, or version of you who's just really into health and to the quality of food that she's eating and nutrients and all those kinds of things. There's different versions of you, right? And you get to decide what version of you want to be, but there is a version of you, and you can be multiple, right? And you get to design this, but there's a version of you who doesn't react impulsively, who handles things calmly, who's proud of how she shows up. And the gap between how you've been showing up now and that version of you that you want to be, that gap is not knowledge. Like maybe there's a thing or two you could learn, like if the part of the brain or that, if that was helpful, like there's a thing that you can learn here, but it's not knowledge that's stopping you from being who you want to be. It's how you respond in those moments. Because the thing is, is when you're wanting to show up differently, to get a different outcome, because who you are and how you show up, that's your outcome. So if you don't like your outcome, you want to change how you're showing up right now, right? That's why this is so important. But the gap is it, what's important is how you respond in those moments. So when the same trigger comes up, when the same moment comes up, you're able to respond differently this time. So you can either respond the same way you always have been automatically and you don't like it and get that same outcome, or you have the opportunity to show up differently. And just because you have this, this comes up a lot for clients, maybe it's for nutrition. They have a while where they're making those more aligned choices and they feel really good about that. They're like, this feels amazing. And then maybe they have an instance where they had a really stressful week and XYZ happened and they went a little bit overboard at dinner and drinks and stuff that night. And they were like, man, I'm just so frustrated with myself and I went backwards and I'm not progressing and I'll never change. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. No. It's just one opportunity to show up again as that higher version of you. You have been doing that. Do you see all of this proof that's been happening? You just had one opportunity where you did the other thing. That's fine. That doesn't mean you just went backwards. It doesn't mean the other ones don't count. It just means we had one where we went that way. That's fine. Let's learn from it the same process, like I said, let's reflect on it. What happened? Why did it happen? What do I want to do differently? What am I going to do differently when another situation like this comes up? So then we're just setting ourselves up to show up differently. And if anything, it's a blessing because we got a little bit more awareness and it helps us feel even more convicted of I really don't want to show up this way. This really doesn't feel aligned. Okay, awesome. A little bit more fuel to your fire to be able to show up differently as that version of you where you're like, dang, I'm so proud of myself that I handled it that way. Because I promise you, especially if it's like with the food or any of these situations, you feel so good inside when you make that aligned decision and you're aware that you would have done something differently before and you're like, I consciously chose different. And maybe it was hard to choose different and I chose that different. That feels so good, you guys. And then, like I said, the more repetition with that, that becomes just kind of how your brain naturally does. That's your identity. It's pretty easy to show up, is that? So think of it as kind of like it's this training ground right now. When you have these opposite, um, these situations pop up and you get to choose, how do I want to show up? Is this training ground? And every time that you show up the way that you would prefer is you're training your identity, you're training your brain to be able to automatically do the things that you want to and naturally just get the outcomes and be the version of you that you want to. So every trigger that you face, every obstacle that you face that wants to trigger you to have that automatic reaction, that is either reinforcing who you have been or building who you are becoming. And the difference is how you respond in those situations. So that is, I don't want to overcomplicate this anymore. I'm hoping that you guys got all of the nuggets, the frameworks, the everything that you need to be able to implement this. And what I would encourage, especially if this resonated for you, is if you had like maybe one, maybe two things in mind that you were thinking of as I'm talking through this and you're um having some, maybe it's with the food, maybe it's with not going to the gym, maybe it's with a relationship, maybe it's something else entirely. But if you had one, maybe two things, I would encourage us to pick one that's been coming up and it's kind of going through your mind as an example as we're talking through this. Apply this framework. Think of, okay, what's the last time that I did that and it did not feel good? Why did I do that? And what can I do differently here? Be intentional with picking the different approach that you want to be able to have, the different response that you want to have, that you can start to make that your automatic. Just focus on the one. Give yourself those wins. So when you're in a situation like that again, you can show up different, you have that plan, and your brain now gets proof of, oh my gosh, I can do this. And then you're gonna be able to implement that in other areas of your life and it is gonna spread like wildfire, you guys, and you are going to just look up even just a couple months from now and be like, oh my gosh, I'm a completely different version of me in all the best ways possible. Like this really is so powerful when you become intentional with it. So if there's anything regarding this, I could help you with, support you with, of course, you know I'm your girl. I do this all day, every day for my clients, and I freaking love it. It lights a fire inside of me, knowing I'm able to help with change. So if I can, let me know. Shoot me a message, hit me up on Instagram. Um, otherwise, I love you all. I hope that this gave you what you needed if you needed to hear this today. And go do especially something like this that your future self will think. Thank you for. Bye, guys.