Half Bloom
where we delve into the questions that are hard to answer and discovering ourselves through the lenses of language and culture, while of course, often brewing or drinking some coffee.
Half Bloom
How you can use creativity to get your voice and identity back
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A fourth-grade science museum trip in Nagoya—seeing a huge close-up of an ant’s kaleidoscopic eye—basically traumatized me and shaped my intense fear of bugs. There are some things that we can recover from, but there are things that we can't.
In this episode, I talk about my experience at the World of Coffee in San Diego, how I've been really learning more about how geography and culture shape coffee and competitiveness differently than in Korea.
And we also get into some real, deep talk. Why I've been a little MIA and why I’ve felt creatively blocked and unable to speak in complex, coherent sentences and dealing with self-doubt and silence. There are several ways I've been recovering, and wanted to share some of those in case it may help anyone out there.
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I hope you can find the segments we go through to ignite some sort of softness, playfulness, hopefulness, and kindness in our lives.
00:00 Finding Your Voice Again
00:09 Welcome Back & Intro Story
05:14 Coffee Brewing & Expo Reflections
08:20 Losing Your Voice: The Impact of Gaslighting
23:36 Know Your Likes & Dislikes
23:36 Getting Creativity Back: Reading Books
26:17 Wrap-Up & Upcoming Events
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See you all next week!
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for happiness, always
Sincerely, Nadia
There is nothing I am more afraid of than bugs. And while a lot of people do also have this fear, I think there's something special about my fear. And cheer me out. So back in fourth grade, I was living in Nagoya at the time and we went to the Science Museum. It was pretty far from what I remember. I don't know. We took the bus as a field trip and the science museum, they guided us through different areas of the museum and they sat us down on these sets of stairs or bleachers, it felt like. So you're sitting in these steps, and all of a sudden they turn on a projector and they talk about ants. And the scientist was talking about how an ant's eye is not necessarily one eye. And all of a sudden, on this enormous projector screen, she decides to show us a close-up of an ant's eye. And if you've never looked it up before, if you don't know, an ant's eye is actually more like kaleidoscopic. They have a bunch of different eyes in each eye. And she went on to explain how they see through these lenses and what it looks like. I was just so traumatized at the time, like seeing that on a big screen. And then also, I don't know if it was a lady who told us this or if it was just my own imagination. But I just remember how like ants are so small that a lot of people just like kill them with their fingers or their hands. And just imagining the amount of explosions that happen with the eye when you're killing the bug during that time gave me the shivers. And so, since that point on, I started to imagine all the different bugs that were destroyed by your fingers and all the explosions of the body parts that could happen with a bug. And I'm sorry to start this podcast episode off this way, but that is why I actually see bugs zoomed in. Whether it's a centipede or a spider, I will be able to like imagine instantly as soon as I see one the mirror size and the hair and the texture of these bugs, just from like basic knowledge of what bugs look like, from what I remember looking at until I was in fourth grade. So that experience has traumatized me with bugs, and I kind of don't see a way out of that trauma. Anyways, welcome back to Half Bloom. Thanks for tuning in. I'm your host, Nadia, and we are back with another episode. I know it's been like I feel like it's been like almost two months. Like I clearly have new hair, things have happened in between, and there's a lot of things that I want to talk about that hasn't really been organized. I think I have a lot that I want to touch upon, things that go through in life and in what I'm doing that I think is very insightful. But at the same time, I just realized that there is a lot of personal trauma that I am still recovering from. And I think slowly and slowly I'm finding myself being a little bit more comfortable with putting the pieces together to see how I can talk about all these conflicts that I've had with me or slowly evolving over time and how I can relay them to you so that they can be life lessons and things that are more insightful and practical for you to use. So I started off with a traumatic story, and I don't know, for some reason I feel like it gets worse, especially when the bug is big enough and I can see its actual like colors and stuff. Then it gives me like a better thing to go off of with my imagination. So I think that's kind of why it like is more traumatizing. But before we begin, I want to brew our coffee for today. Today I have some Picolot. This is the Sidra Washed Solidad. It was roasted on the Stronghold S7X. And for those of you who can see on the screen, and for those listening to the podcast, I'm gonna be grinding with the Melconic X64SD grinder. I have my brewista. I'm just gonna use my Hario V60 today. And um, I've got my I Casa Brew House server. So I'm gonna be re-brewing hot today just because Still is to get some ice, even though the weather is really, really warm. I mean, not now. It is deep, I think, in the beginnings of summer. So I'm kind of scared for what the humidity will bring for the rest of this season. Let's go ahead and grind this. I think I've been actually grinding my beans coarser and increasing my ratio more ever since I came back from the expos. So this at 20 grams, so I'm just gonna use all 20. Flavor notes for those curious is kiwi persimen apricot vanilla pear brown sugar tropical, elegant, silky, layered, very clean. I feel like the grind size might have been a little bit too big. That's okay. 20. I think I'm just gonna go Alana 260 and kind of like bro, like light, and then just shrink it casually. But yeah, the expo edits took a very, very long time for me to gather together, so I hope you guys enjoyed that. And there was a lot of really cool people that I was able to meet along the way. I did talk about it briefly, but one of the biggest things that I really liked about going to San Diego for a coffee expo compared to in Korea is that it's actually fascinating to see how geographical and cultural things really affect the way people drink coffee and the way that people are able to like interact with one another with it. The technology advancements, the conversations that you can have with coffee in different areas is very big. And I think that's why people always talk about wanting to go global because it's a different scale, not because it's America anymore, but because if you go to different countries, you gain so much more experience and understanding of how another world works. And in that process, it kind of helps you adjust your own mindset and alter the things that you want to improve on, alter the things that you feel like you were stuck on, or try to improve on your own skills, not only in the coffee, but also in interpersonal relationships or in understanding how to internalize new kinds of information and understand how to put that into use for yourself in the future. One of the biggest things that I appreciated from being in the States again is that I feel like we're a whole lot less, like, yes, there is competitiveness, but I think that on an individual scale, everyone is trying to not necessarily be better than the other person, but just continuously be like the number one. So I think the people that you are looking at when you are trying to improve yourself is a little bit different compared to here in Korea. I don't exactly know specifically where that cultural difference comes from, but I think the idea that, like, oh, I just need to be richer than the person next door is the mindset here. Whereas in the States, I feel like the entire mindset is more of like, I want to be like really, really rich so I can have like my own jet plane or something like that, if that makes any sense. And I do think that Koreans will agree that this competitive mindset and like looking towards the other person and wanting them to do worse than you is a very toxic trait that is kind of ingrained in our society here in Korea. So it's not necessarily that I want to like bash on for the society here in Korea. But just what it is for now. I think I actually did a really good job already. It's actually turned out really good. It is really clean, but it could just be because June did a really good job roasting this coffee. It's got the lightness of kiwi, which is really cool. Apricot pear, the sweetness of that. It's very sweet, but it's also got this like very unique acidity that's not necessarily like the normal like citrus or like the berries that we taste, but literally the kiwi and parsimon apricot like combination, I think is a unique combination of fruit, and I think that all of that kind of goes into this coffee. Wow, it's really good. I don't know if they still have this on the shelf, but it's always really great. Okay, so the biggest thing that I wanted to talk about and the reason why I've been gone this past two months, and but there is this phenomenon that I have come to realize, and it is the fact that I am unable to speak in fuller complex sentences. And the reason why I start there is because I think this is the end result, and I'll kind of like work backwards with you guys on like why I've come to be this way. I'm not like fully comfortable with talking about the full situation just yet. But the reason why I want to bring this up is because I realize that there's a lot of creative block that has been happening with me and has like completely destroyed my belief in my own thoughts and my opinions, and that is why I literally feel like an empty shell sometimes. And especially for me who has done a lot of my social media content based off of my creative thinking, my thoughts, my insights, and my speech. I feel like this is very important to talk about because it is something that has been so hurt and wounded that is really touching upon my own self-confidence and self-esteem. I don't want this to be again a pity episode, but I think it's important to talk about. I think it'll be helpful for you guys and for me to see what happens when you are traumatized by something and are unable to fully feel like yourself and confident in your own thoughts. I used to be the type of person to be able to just blurt out my thoughts and relay them in a very communicative manner, in a very well-spoken way, where people can instantly understand what I'm saying. It was just something where I was able to very well put my thoughts into words. And another thing is I think because I try my best to understand the other person's perspectives and understand that not everybody is not at the same place when it comes to their backgrounds. But the problem is, um I had my fair share of um gaslighting happened to me. Um and I don't know necessarily if I can, yeah, you know what, I'm just gonna call it that. And because when they all they always say, like I feel like there has been a lot of like examples. I've seen like people on reels, for example, too, like they compare like friends or family members or even like lovers who are near you who will put you down because say, for example, you bring you have this like really good, like creative project you want to do, this new business idea that you have, and you bring it up to a friend, and they say, dude, like how is this gonna make you any money? Like, I feel like you should concentrate on your work. I don't think your personality is going to be fit for this. Like, if someone tells you that, you're not going to feel confident in any of this preparation that you did, the thinking that you did in going into doing that project. You know, for some people, that kind of commentary is very easy to brush off, but the kind of trauma that I'm talking about is that plus the people pleaser within me, and also just the layers and layers and words upon words of telling me that I am wrong, that my habits have been incorrect, that the reason why I am failing is because of just the way that I've been raised, that I have been trying to show um my thoughts to the world. If every single part of you is rejected and is told that you have been a failure, that you need to change, you start to doubt yourself and your entire process of thinking entirely. And that is what happened to me. And because of that, over time you realize that you yourself can't trust yourself anymore. And when you can't trust yourself anymore, you go silent. You decide that not thinking about yourself, not thinking about your thoughts anymore, and trying to talk about your feelings and your opinions is a safer route. And I think everything else, it's terrifying what the words of people can do, and the amount of put-downs that someone can do to you. Because in the process, you were left with nothing to trust for yourself and moving forward. So it's been a long journey for me to feel comfortable speaking again with you guys, understanding how I can give you guys value on this page, just because we are all on the internet trying to gain something, whether it's education or entertainment or something, and I think the best thing that I can do for you guys is to give you guys an insight into understanding yourselves and a guidance to work around the world while also giving you guys this world of coffee so that you can feel happy and enjoy everything that goes on in the process. So it's like I give you the ideas and I also give you this drug to help you along the way, and I think that was the whole purpose. And when I started to lose the internal insights that I had for myself that I wanted to give you guys and bring you guys along in this journey, they no longer wanted to bring you guys on the journey because it knew it was bad, and that is why I think because I was rejecting all of my thoughts, there wasn't anything that I was able to put into words to give you guys and be a better person for you. And through the process, I did learn a lot. I learned I had a fair share of like life lessons learned, and I know the harsh truths of the world more so now, but that doesn't mean I don't think I'm fully, fully jaded. I think there are aspects of me that still wants to trust people, although I do kind of keep my guards up and I'm a lot more trusting of my own intuitions now because before I would just kind of like ignore them and just listen to what other people would say, and so I couldn't find a safe spot within myself, even. So that is I think that's why I've been trying to go out and do more rather than like think through things as much as possible, because I realized that like I personally need to go find what I enjoy and what I can see for myself is correct in the world and find out what is the common sense, what is the generalized like opinion? Because I have so badly been destroyed in understanding, like, are these thoughts even correct? Am I allowed to think these things? Are we allowed to talk about our own feelings? Like, are am I allowed to like complain to my family, or should I just like not talk about all of my like personal feelings and just kind of like smile and like improve and give positivity to the world? And I realize that it's only harmful when you kind of bottle things up, and it does take time, I think, to be able to heal from this. If anyone else is going through that kind of brain-dead moment in your lives, I hope that you are out of whatever situation that is in current layer, or like if you're in that situation right now, you should not be surrounded by people who doubt you. Of course, there are people who should give you tough love and harsh love sometimes so that you can grow and get out of your comfort zone and change your thought processes so that you can look towards improvement because you can't always be stuck in a particular situation, but that does not necessarily mean that someone has to be there to shut all of your opinions and thoughts down because what they are doing is cutting away from your identity, and that in itself will make you an empty shell. So I'm still in this process of trying to get my creativity back, and I think throughout the past several episodes, I've touched upon like different things that I've been trying to do to get that back, whether it's doing more photo shoots or delving back into coffee again, bleaching my hair, trying like all these different things of like understanding things outside of the world of coffee because I was stuck in it for so long, and I wanted to also like branch out because I was so burnt out by it. But coffee, I think it's one of those things where even if I do anything else, I go back to a coffee shop where I have a cup of coffee, and there's nothing else that actually makes me as happy currently, and so that is why I think I want to hold it once again and see how I can take it and how I can give back to this world. And of course, that means I'm going to have to give my love back to coffee a little bit more again. So a lot of people did ask me about how I create content the way that you do a long time ago, and I had a hard time answering that because it was kind of just like, oh, I just like randomly saw this like podcast or this book, and it kind of like inspired me to talk about this topic. So I just turned the camera on and I just had a couple points that I wanted to relay, and that was it. And that's kind of all I had to do before. But got to a point now where I'm just like, I don't have anything I want to talk about, even though I'm doing things and I'm reading and I'm experiencing, I don't know how to put any of that into coherent thoughts to be able to talk to you guys about. So that's why I think the kinds of things that I've been talking about has been less of my thoughts and more of what I've been doing. And so that's why I think there's a jumble-mumble of all these different things that I've been doing in my life, a lot more vlogs and things that I'm trying to do, because I think that is the process of me healing through this journey as well. And eventually I do think that I will be able to talk about my thoughts and my insights in a more coherent way to you guys as time passes, and I feel more confident in my own opinions, and also being okay with talking about them because I should not be afraid of someone rejecting that and saying that that is wrong, because that is something that I personally will have to just reap the consequences of, and that is for me only, and I don't think there is enough time in the world and enough love in the world to be able to say no, you can't talk about your own opinions. It's not that someone told me like I can't talk about my opinions, but it's just what I went through made me lose my confidence to share my thoughts in its entirety. So if doing stuff and trying all these different things is part of the way that I've been trying to get my creativity back, the second thing that I think I've been doing a lot is reading books, and I've shared a couple on this channel, but I realized that I've been going away from personal development books to more creativity-focused books. A close friend of mine from college, she is a writer. She had written her first draft. It was like 200 pages when I put it onto my books app on my phone, and I absolutely loved it. And I told her I'm her number one fan, and I still am, Josephine, if you're listening at all. It's incredible. I think that was the first time I was super impressed by someone who was able to write a book. Like, how do you have all of that world, like that universe within you to be able to put into writing and gives the reader a such a vivid like imagination for it? And yes, I am an incredibly imaginative person myself, I think, in terms of being able to imagine things. I don't know if I can write the same creativity stuff down, but I was just like, wow, it's incredible how people are able to have these worlds, how these people are able to develop these universes and put them into writing and put them into manga even. I think it's because I have always seen like visually, like it through anime, a lot of these different really cool universes. I never really kind of understood how novels can actually do the same, but with less, if that makes sense. I don't think it's less or more necessarily, of course, but I just think that like taking away the visual and auditory, like the picture visual, and just focusing on only words can really awaken a different part of your brain compared to the stuff that you can watch through anime. And so the book that I've been reading that I just started, I was reading this book throughout the entire time I was bleaching my hair, which took hours, and got really, really into it, is called The Will of Many by James Eilington. It's a science fiction fantasy book, and it's been so fun to read the different kinds of worlds. And also, what I've realized is that classics are a very, very big thing to develop your own like thinking process and become a deeper human being, I think. And I know that people might have different opinions about this, but I was speaking with the CEO of a coffee company yesterday, and we were talking about books and how that is very, very healing and inspirational and helps to develop our character personality and us as humans. He specifically was talking about how classics focusing on the classics from all over the world have been really helpful. And the reason why is because for him, the struggles and thoughts and problems that these people had years, like centuries ago, is a different scale and a different amount of like hunger or problem or world problem that they were going through compared to the novels that we might see nowadays. Like, I don't like to say that people's struggles are lower or higher than one another. Of course, when it comes to like you know, starvation versus like first world problems, it is a very different thing. But I think that's why I think he recommends those books because we're not just talking about like first world second world problems, but it's like very, very deep, dark societal issues, political issues, world problems. And I think being able to understand the working process through that struggle to finally get to some kind of conclusion at the end, whether it's a good one or not, gives a different kind of insight into how we can approach our problems today and give you a stronger mindset to get through our first world problems, if you will. Not that I'm saying, yeah, I guess my trauma is a first world problem, but it's like a mental problem. But it's one of those like very severe like mental problems that I went through that I'm trying to figure out. So that is why I think I've been turning toward books. A lot. In the very beginning of reading these books, like if you're reading like a Russian book, it's hard to memorize the names. If you're reading this science fiction book, The Will of Many, it's like they are living in this hierarchical society. There are different cultures and different tribes and groups. So trying to memorize and understand these names in the beginning is very hard. But I think once you get into the hang of it, like the fun of being completely absorbed in that book is a blessing in our lives to be able to flee to somewhere else for a moment and then come back to your reality life with those kinds of insights from those books and apply them into your own lives. These characters can literally be you going through some kind of struggle, and you can literally learn from these people, take their, I guess, their strengths and like make them yours. And that is, I think, why it's fun to be able to like immerse yourself in books as well. So that is another way that I think that a lot of people, everyone really, should read do more to be able to develop their creative juices to read more. And you're pretty slow at like going through my coffee, but I'm actually finishing this. It's really good. One of the things that I never understood why people told me was so important was to understand what your likes and dislikes are. Especially for me, it's kind of like, yeah, I mean, I like these kinds of things and I like that kind of things, but no, it has to be specific. And the reason why it has to be specific and you have to really understand why you like these things and you don't, is because it helps you with your priorities. It helps you to say yes and no in situations without even having to put an effort. It's like decreasing the amount of thinking and the effort and the energy that you put in into making a decision for yourself. For example, if you like coffee more than you like milk tea, which is not possible because I like both, but say you like coffee more than milk tea, you are able to go into a coffee shop and just look at the coffee menu. It decreases the amount of cognitive load that you have to put on into deciding the menu that you're going to be drinking. And it's the same with situations in public where if someone asks you, hey, can you do this for me? And if people keep asking you to do things for you, there's a certain boundary that you can keep. Yes, of course, in order to develop personal relationships and to be able to like get along in your company, you will maybe have to say yes. But at a certain point, you will know that if that is not making you feel good, and if you know that that is not helping you get to a goal that you would want to achieve or that you like, then you will be able to say no more. And I do think this applies more to your personal day-to-day life. And one more thing that is great about this is that when you have something that you really, really like, you're able to feel so excited and thrilled to be able to do that or get to that place or eat that food or drink that coffee. And that entire way going there is incredibly enjoyable and gives you dopamine and adrenaline in the whole process. So it increases your standard of living as well by avoiding the things that you don't like. But, guys, this is like my new most recent revelation of why it's so important to find out exactly specifically what you like and you don't like, so that in moving forward you don't have to waver and you don't have to be so scared because you know what you want to do for yourself and you know how to fulfill yourself. So I think that's another thing that will help you get your creativity back because then you'll have more space in your brain to be able to focus on things that feel good. And when you feel good and you're in that play mode, that play state, that whimsicalness, you're going to be able to feel more creative because you're doing the things that you like and you'll let your brain take off to places that will give you that comfort and that ability to let your mind relax and be free, and that is where more and more of that creativity will come in. So there has been a lot that's been going on in my personal life that I think I am finally slowly kind of being able to like talk about to you guys, and that one of the things that I have been very, very frustrated about and really, really wanted to tell you guys because I felt like it was a part of my identity, was the fact that I felt like I was such a very well-spoken person. And I still do think that I'm very good at presentation and being able to make speaking public. And I do think that like if anyone needs help with that, I'd like be gladly down to give like a full crash course on that. But at the same time, the lack of confidence that I had in my own opinions and my own thoughts, I think was getting to me. And I do feel lighter being able to talk about this to you guys. I hope that I can continue to talk about how that mummification, that brain deadness, that empty shell version is really bad for you and why you can get there in the future as well. Because I'm pretty sure that there are people who have been so put down by others around them that they struggle to feel more confident in putting this creativity out into lives and making the world a better place and being innovative. So the things that I've been doing personally to recover from that rut is of course being surrounded by the right people, which I'm still trying to figure out who I want to be surrounded by and who are the people that will like really push for my dreams. And when people are like, you should do that, or you're like, Yeah, you're really good at that. I still am like, really? Is that true? Like, I don't know if that's like true. Like, I'm still there. But in the process, I think being able to like do random things that I've kind of been wanting to do for a very, very long time, whether it's doing photo shoots and modeling or bleaching my hair or like learning about makeup, things that I've never been able to like do has been helpful in finding different outlets and understanding different industries, which will eventually help me in my own business in coffee as well. Because I don't think that coffee, especially, is one of those things that you should be stuck in a single industry. You also can learn from so many other industries around you to be able to improve your own thing because everything is connected. Like your lungs don't just try to breathe harder, they have to work with the heart and all these different body parts to be able to function as well. And of course, the second thing is I've been reading a lot more books to be able to delve deeper and develop my amount and genetic brain and finally trying to figure out what I like and what I don't like, which is kind of related to the first part of trying all these different things. But now I understand why it's important to be doing all of those things, and I think I feel a lot more comfortable trying all these things out because being creative and being able to like help out with all these different brands in the future to other people as well is a blessing, and I love it. I love what I do. I am planning to do more events and fun collaborations. I'm speaking with some brands to be able to do bean collaborations with, and so I am excited to bring stuff to you guys. I feel like it's been way long overdue. It'll be friendly creative projects that I hope you guys will be interested in and also trying to do more events and give you guys this positive energy in person as well. We'll be doing another cupping in June with the same world of coffee from San Diego beans that I brought back, along with some extra really, really high quality beans from LA brands. So that's going to be on June 6th, but I will keep you guys updated. Check out my YouTube channel and also my Instagram page for more of that information. If you did actually listen to the whole episode, make sure to leave a comment so I know who you are. People who listen to my podcast, especially, y'all are very shy people. I know you. Don't be shy. Like, let me know in the comments that you listened to the whole thing. Make sure to give me give me this emoji. This this what is it called? This candy emoji so that I know who you are. And thank you guys so much for listening. And I will be back for sure next week with more insights and what happenings. See you guys next week.