Fiona's Story: Could Save Lives. #12

Some stories stay with you long after the conversation ends.

In this deeply moving episode, Gary Brady shares the story of his beloved wife Fiona, her battle with melanoma, and the unimaginable loss that changed his life forever.

Gary speaks openly about Fiona’s initial diagnosis and treatment, the concerns they had in the years that followed, and the heartbreak of losing the person he thought he would grow old with. With remarkable honesty, he reflects on the moments that remain etched in his memory  from the uncertainty and fear they faced together, to the final hours they shared side by side.

At the heart of this conversation is a love story.

It’s about devotion, resilience, grief, and learning how to carry on when life changes forever.

Following Fiona’s passing, Gary founded the Fiona Brady Foundation, determined to honour her memory by raising awareness of skin cancer and encouraging others to be vigilant about changes in their own health.

This episode is emotional, raw, and incredibly powerful. More than anything, it is a testament to Fiona’s life, the love she and Gary shared, and the legacy that continues in her name.

Thank you, Gary, for trusting me with Fiona’s story and for continuing to raise awareness in the hope that other families might be spared the heartbreak that yours has endured.

If this conversation resonates with you, please like, comment, and share to help spread awareness and continue Fiona’s legacy.

#SkinCancerAwareness #MelanomaAwareness #FionaBradyFoundation #Podcast #NorthernIreland #CancerAwareness #RealStories #HealthAwareness

Transcript

0:00

Hi Gary, thank you for coming. It's nice to finally meet you after chatting. And um I'm really looking forward to you sharing your story and telling all our followers about your wonderful foundation, the Fiona Brady Foundation. Do you want to start and tell the followers a little bit about yourself and and how you've got here today? Yeah, um so I'm originally from Korean um and all of this is in honour of my late partner Fiona, who passed away in January 24 um with skin cancer. And I guess everything that has snowballed since we first put our story out has led to us meeting, has led to me meeting David originally, and then David put me in touch with you, and here we are today. And you've been doing a lot of work? Yeah, there's been a lot in the background. Yeah. So I think maybe to give a bit of context, we will talk about how you lost your wife. Yeah. Do you want to start from the start or So Fiona was a very rough ride for you, wasn't it? Yeah. So Fiona ha originally had issues around 2014 where she had a mole on her left side and she was she was quite worried about how it was changing colour and shape, and she had been to the doctor, and at that stage there was no other investigation needed. The doctor said just keep an eye on it. And then around 2016-17, she became even more worried about it, went back to the doctor, and it was 2018 where she was originally diagnosed with skin cancer. And she had a three-year sort of period between 2018 and 2021 where she had surgery under her left abdomen and had them all removed, and she had her lymph nodes removed under her left armpit. Uh that all went okay and all went fine. It left a quite a nasty 12-inch scar on her left side, and she um yeah, she went through that whole period, and when she was released from as a cancer patient in October 21, through the whole period, she was never scanned, she was only ever visually checked. So she was taking the word of the health professionals that she was cancer free. From just having the removal? Yeah. There's no kind of follow-up. There was no no scans or any any other invasive follow-up, I guess you could call it. But is that the is that what should be happening? I've talked to doctors since then and they're saying that that is essentially what has happened because of the the type of cancer she had and the the um the surgery that was done and how deep they dug in through her through her or mole that's what was the type? Um it was type one, I believe. Um it was either A or B. I'm not too sure on what that specific um stream was, I guess. But after that she kind of she had a great life, obviously, for that two years, and then in September 23, we were told it had come back and it was it was terminal. In just two years. Yeah. And when we were talking, you were telling me that it actually took a while even for it to be diagnosed. She was actually unwell, but she didn't think that it was related at all. That's right. Doctors didn't do any investigations. What happened there? So this would have been around the June time, June 2023, or even maybe slightly before that. Um she had just changed jobs and she became assistant manager next in Foyside and Derry, a job she absolutely loved. She loved fashion, so she always loved to be there. And I guess around that time she was busy with the sales, so she was tired quite often, and she woke one morning with uh a shoulder uh her her left shoulder was quite sore. And we again put that down to the workload, you know, lifting boxes, moving closer at the shop, etc. And the early starts we put down to her tiredness, and um she then started getting sort of sciatic-like symptoms at the base of her spine and down her left leg. And while over what period of time was this? That would have been the end of June, start of July, maybe towards the end of July, actually, um, that happened. And I had sciatica the year before, so I was kind of saying that sounds exactly like what I had, um, sort of restlessness, pins and needles, that kind of fiery burning sensation that you get. Um so she went to the doctor at that stage, and the doctor then referred her to an NHS physio. And when she came out of that appointment, the physio told her um that she needed to do a bit more exercise, be more active, essentially. And he kind of said, like, do a couch to 5k or cycle or do something like that. So she texted me, she's like, I'm gonna get a bike, we're gonna get a bicycle, and I said, Well, if you're gonna get one, I'll get one and we'll do it together, we'll cycle together. And that was just how she took advice from the medical profession, you know. She everything that was she was told she took seriously, and she she followed it by the rule book. And um the quite startling thing about that is all her symptoms that she was having were on the left-hand side, and that was where her cancer was previously, and that's where her operation was. So, kind of fast forward a little bit then to the middle of August, we went to Sorrento, the Amalfi Coast in Italy, and the last three or four days of that holiday, she was kind of bedbound with the pain. Um, we didn't know it until we got there, but they don't sell coding over the counter, and she had been taking coding over here to deal with the pain, and um so we were just trying to get as different types of paracetamol, uh brufin, or whatever could kind of release that. We came home and from August, the end of August, and there was a sports physio in Derry called Your Physio. And I wish I could remember the physical the name of the of the guy who who looked after because I he no doubt he gave her additional months of her life by sending her directly to NE. Why? What happened? He walked in, she when she went in to do the uh the appointment, she lay in the bed and she was not on the bed any more than two or three minutes, and he said his words were there are too many red flags, I can't touch you. So he knew something was wrong. He knew it was more than sciatica. Somebody shouldn't be in that much pain, and probably I would imagine with sciatica mobility would be different. So maybe he'd picked up on that. But I'm kind of skipping a little bit, but when when she got ill, seriously ill, we found out she had caught a quina syndrome. So I'm not too sure if he'd seen symptoms that related to that when he was in with when when Phone was in with him. And what's that? Um that is an issue with the the base of the spine and it creates cuts incontinence and hinkers liver with his problems with the liver, etc. Um, and it causes uh paralysis, I think, as well. So he wrote her a letter basically and he said you've got to go to Alt McGalvin tonight at an NA and B scene, and if you don't get seen there, you have to go to Belfast. Don't wait. So when he sent that I'm sure that was I'm presenting a letter. Quite shocking. Yeah, you kinda have to action it, you know, and that kind of shook us a little bit. Um So she went to NASA sorry, just when she started to feel slightly unwell, when was that you know, with her sore Oops sorry that would have been with her sore shoulder? That was in Start of June. So this was only like a couple of months later. Yeah. Yeah. So it happened pretty fast then. Yeah. Okay. Um and I guess in hindsight you can kind of see the snowball effect of all those symptoms, but at the time you don't really see it. And um so the the night the night after we went to NE, she was there for eleven hours in NE. She got blood tests done, and she was told she was going to get scanned that night. And she didn't get scanned, but was told to come back the next day. So she came back and she got scanned that day, and we went to visit her dad after the appointment, and she got a phone call from an unknown number and she answered it. And the lad on the phone call basically said Miss Brady has abnormalities at the base of her spine. And when Fiona corrected him about speaking to a third person about her, he hung up. He didn't did he apologise and say sorry, this was what was meant for. No. So then she scrambled to get a number to try and ring back and see what this was about, and it was radiographer, and he apologised and said he thought he was speaking to her consultant or something. Why just hang up if you knew you're through to the patient? I know. I think he probably was panicked. Panicked. But still, you're professional. So she found out there were issues by that, you know, and it wasn't obviously when someone says abnormality is the base of your spine and doesn't really elaborate, um, you you panic. I'm sure. You panic. So when you got through to him, did he say about any time frame of when someone would get in contact with her or what was the next one? The scan was being passed to the consultant to have a look. Yeah, but no time frame. No time frame. And then how long did you have to wait? So the 5th of September was when we were told we were called back. So how long after that would have been about two weeks. So two weeks later, yeah. Yeah. That would have been about two weeks between the initial conversation with the radiographer on the phone and then the the uh long time to wait, isn't it, after getting the receiving the news that way? Yeah. Um and that was the 5th of September. We went to the hospital, they'd done some more tests on her when she was there, and the consultant who came in was was brilliant. She was very, very good. She's what I quite liked was she didn't speak in medical terminology. You know, she told you in very certain terms what was going on and what the process was going to look like. And you said, Listen, we it is cancer. We're still working now to find out specifically what type. Um we threw some more investigations. Um and then later on that day she got a biopsy done, and they were checking to see if she had a certain cell mutation, because at that stage I think they were looking at potential treatment plants. Okay. Just to be prepared. And she did have the the cell mutation, it's BRAF something, I think it was called. BRAF. I'm not too sure what it was, but basically meant that she could have a certain type of of treatment, which the good news was that she could go on to immunotherapy, that was the plan. Mm-hmm. Uh however, the Wednesday after that, she was lying in the sofa in the house and I was in the opposite sofa watching TV, and she was sleeping, and she was making like a p p sound when she was breathing out at the end of her breath. Okay. Uh, and her cousin is a mental health nurse, so I thought she might have some medical training, obviously, to come over and have a look. Uh, and then on a Thursday, her temperature went quite high, and then she was having difficulties breathing. She went into the hospital on the Friday, and over that weekend she had seven litres of fluid drained from her lungs. So this was the Tuesday, the fifth is when we found out. This was the Friday after that. So not the not the immediate Friday, the Friday Friday. Yeah, so it's just over a week. Yeah. Um and it was that Sunday then um we were told that it was uh terminal. So from this physio saying you had to go straight to hospital to her having seven litres removed from her lungs was what how many weeks. You're talking three half weeks. Maybe four weeks. Yeah. Maybe four weeks. So what happened then? Um so then on the Monday, so that was the Sunday, on the Monday she was supposed to go to Belfast to start the immunotherapy that had been planned, but because she was so ill, yeah, um, she couldn't. So she was pretty much onto the last stage of treatment that she could get on, and that was um targeted therapy, which was chemotherapy via tablets. Uh, and she started that on the Monday in Altland Galvin because she was too sick to travel to to Belfast. Um and I've told this story a few times, and when I tell it, I always try to make sure that that that weekend she went in, she was put straight into recess, and you know, you're going, This is really serious if you're going straight to recess. She got up and she walked to the bathroom and she walked back down and she sat down as if nothing was wrong. You know, so it wasn't the fact that we're going to recess and she was lying in the bed and couldn't move. It just didn't match. Just things just yeah. And she had that was hard, maybe harder to accept understand. Yeah, for sure. And but Fiona had that such a steely level of resistance. You know, a typical dairy woman's resistance, you know, like and I think part of her that weekend was kind of like, I'm okay, I'm grand. Just that mental attitude. Yeah, for sure. And so what happened then from Resus? So from Rhesus, she was moved into Ward 50, which is the cancer ward in Atlanta Galvin, and she spent, I think, seven days in there. The majority of that time she was in, she had a lung drain in. So it was just draining bits and pieces from that weekend that wasn't trained. Um and we had multiple appointments and conversations with different doctors. We found out that week that, and the doctor was very clear and saying it's not lung cancer. It is skin cancer, it's um advanced metastatic melanoma, but it's in the lining of the lungs. It's not lung cancer specifically. Um so that was the reason for the breathing, and obviously, issues with the breathing and issues with the fluid. We also found out that day that uh that week that it was in the stomach lining and it had spread to their bones. So hence the reason why she was having the sciatic alike symptoms at the base of her spine. And that's what the photoographer then meant by abnormalities. So all of this a couple of years after having this mole removed? 2018 she got removed. 2020, August, October 2021 she was told uh you've no longer got cancer. So then two years after that being told it's terminal. I can imagine. Yeah, it's um what I will say was that the the treatment that she got while she was in Atlanta Galvin specifically that first period, you couldn't you couldn't fault it. She had a a skin cancer specialist nurse who looked after her. Um I'll not say her name to embarrass her, but she uh if you want to had her saved in her phone as the angel. Oh so it shows you much if you want to thought of her. Um and it was a really personable level of treatment. Special. Very special, yeah. So important, I suppose. I mean obviously I can't imagine I've not nursed anyone through that um specifically. Uh my background's theatre nursing um or known anyone, but I I can imagine and I do hear about how much it means to whatever patients are at that stage to have that kind of care and that personable relationship. For sure. Like it was we've said this plenty of times as a family, and of course there are issues that we've had with NHS in terms of other treatment scenarios that she should have got better treatment for, and um we still question why she was never scanned for those three years and again as policy as we know as I've spoken to the doctors, but it still doesn't make sense to me that that can be missed and the fact that two years after that she was terminal. It seems like a lot in such a short space of time when she had to have that 12-inch scar for a mole. Yeah. Um and then after so when she got released from hospital, then something tells me it was around the 22nd of September, I think. Seven days she was in all altogether. And uh for that October and that November the treatment really worked. Um she became m less painful less more pain-free, I guess, um, was able to live her life a bit more. I was pretty much her personal taxi driver every weekend. I was left her in the lane or their nightclubs and bars with her friends, and she was really making most of it. Really? So it had helped her that much? Yeah. Yeah. And so we probably had a lot of hope. We had a lot of hope, yeah. And Fiona always had that hope, and I part of me thinks that she was protecting us. I think she was protecting the ones around us. Was she like? And you think she's got a like a typical dairy woman, good positive attitude, obviously very caring and empathetic with the signs of it. Yeah, for sure. Um there's loads incidences where like, you know, you could sell you could tell she had that hope. You know, there was um one time she came out of the bathroom and this was towards maybe the Novemberish time, start of December, uh, when the uh medication started to wear off a bit. Um but she came out of the bathroom and she just looked up at me and she said, uh, I hope this leg gets better as soon as I do my bloody head in. You know, so she was in the back of my mind I knew that wasn't going to be possible, but to her it was possible. And part of me thinks that she also knew that, but was saying that to try and keep to keep me going and keep everybody else around her going. Yeah. You know. And so how long did our partying days go on for then? How long were you the taxi driver at the weekend? October, November, pretty much every every weekend. Um, which I was just loving life again, being not in that much pain, I suppose. Yeah, um, you know, we were out, my mum and dad, we were out with them, we were out with friends, we um we went to have you heard of Burnmore Nest? Burnmore Nest out near Cap Castle Rock. No. Beautiful. Yeah. It's like I think there's maybe five or six private cabins in the woods and you're on stilts with wild peacocks and outside baths. Yeah, it's all m uh honestly it's fantastic. So we went there one night and it was it was our last night away together and it was really special. We didn't know that was gonna be the case, of course, but looking back now, it was it was just a beautiful experience, so we had that. Um we actually went to the waterfront old waterfront theatre in Belfast for uh a Christmas show, and we thought silly enough we got the tickets thinking it was an adult Christmas show it was kids just running everywhere. It was good, it was really enjoyable, but it's one of those really funny moments where like you know, I look back on it now and laugh because we got it so wrong, but it made the it made the night that we got it so wrong. Yeah. Um and that was kind of our last, that was our last night. What happened then? As it together. Um So then after that, maybe a day or two, she had real pain on her knee and her ankle, uh and it was stopping her moving and stopping her walking properly. Um, and then from that kind of I would say maybe eighth or ninth of December, I think it was all the way through, that was just a decline from that from that point onwards. Um just all the pain that came back. So did you go back to the doctors? What did they say about this? Yeah, we had so many trips back and forward. Um we had one trip that week of the I'm really sure it was the 8th or 9th of December, where we went into Alan Galvin um because she was peeing and we got some blood tests done blood tests done. And then she was sent to the Belfast Cancer Centre to get injections to help with her bone density. Okay. Um that in itself was an issue because she had two appointments that day. One was at 11 o'clock with her consultant in the morning, and the second one, her injection wasn't till six o'clock at night. And I drive in a state, so it's it's big enough for her to sleep in. So we went for eleven o'clock appointment and she went to the car and she slept until about half five. Then we got up and we went because she couldn't walk anywhere, we couldn't you couldn't go around the city, you know. Um sit to wait for her injection, it was six o'clock. Quarter past six had come, nothing. She hasn't called, half six was came, she hadn't called, so I went up to the door and knocked and said, you know, if Fiona's here for injection at six o'clock. And they had missed her name off the list. So there she was at eleven o'clock, having been conceived by the consultant, been in my car from maybe a quarter to twelve that day. And in a lot of pain. In pain. And they'd missed her off the list. Um As you can imagine, that could have ripped the place apart. I could have I can imagine. You know, the anger was was pretty much in every part of me. Um but uh and and her her injection literally took three, four minutes. She was on the bed, got injected, and that was it. You know, so that that was quite a traumatic experience for her that that day. Um Yeah, it's uh a contrast to, you know, having her targeted therapy, having that nurse, you know, personal phone number to just being forced to sleep in a car because you can't really do anything else and your appointments are so far apart. And we understand the NHS is under a significant amount of pressure, but that doesn't make it any easier for you or for Fiona at the time to deal with that. So what happened then? Did they book her in again? Did they So she got seen? So do how far did you live away? Dairy. So how long does that take you then? Sorry, my geography's not. On a good day, maybe hour forty without a lot of things. Yeah, so you can't really go anywhere or do anything if you've got appointments that far apart. So did they reschedule? No, she got seen that night. So injection, then she was away that day, uh later on that night. And um after the last time she left the house was the 17th of December, and that was to go visit my parents. Then from the 17th of December on till she passed away, she was between the house and the hospital. Um And that was via my car or via the ambulance. It wasn't you know, there weren't there weren't appointments, there weren't checkups. It was because she had to go in for care. And what date did she pass away then? The 29th of January 2024. So that was a short period, but nonetheless probably longer than you would imagine if she was in that much pain. Right. Right. So when you were going to the hospital, was she staying in for long periods of time? She was. She was I guess you're trying to when you were telling me about this, you know, we're gonna go on to talk what you've you've done with this, which is amazing. Um but I suppose you just want to highlight what it's like. You know, and and this is something that could be prevented. Right. Right. So yeah, your time then going to the hospital was um um you said to me when we were speaking that obviously you savoured every moment of it, but it was tough. Right. Yeah. There's there's there's a a funny thing I said this the other day to a friend, like when when you're in that moment, time just doesn't really exist. It's like everything just kind of blurs into one. You you go from day to day, but essentially it feels like you're just going from appointment to appointment to hospital to car to bed to work. You know, you don't really see those barriers of time like you would normally do if you were just living your normal life. And the hardest part of that is not knowing that eventually that's gonna stop. You know, so I look back when I say I look back on them with all memories, I look back on them because of the time we shared, and we had some laughs, you know, like driving up in the car and just talking and you know, just just laughing, generally like any normal couple would do. Um Funish always she used to get angry at the fact that she couldn't get a rise out of me, right? So I used to be quite calm and quite controlled about certain things, and it used to wind the life out of her that she couldn't get an argument out of me. So the majority of those drives up and down to Derry or tried to to Belfast were her trying to get trying to get a wind out of me. Her energy was going into did she ever succeed? No, you couldn't even give her that, Gary. Do you want to know the only time we had an argument? This is crazy, was over battered sausages. Oh god, right, okay. Well, just didn't need a chip shop. Right. In cold rain, we have a sausage supper, right? Unless you specify that it's battered sausages, you're getting plain sausages and chips. Right, okay. So I was told to go get a sausage supper. So I got a sausage supper and it was plain sausages, but she wanted battered. Right. And she didn't tell me that. Right, okay. She just thought I would assume that that's what it means. Right. So we came into the kitchen and uh she opened the packet and they were plain sausages and she just lost it. I was like, what you want me to do? You didn't tell me, you didn't give me specific. But yeah, we laughed about that plenty of times. It's been a long time since I've had a battered sausage. Can't believe there's still a thing. They are, yeah. Battered marge barge. Yeah, we've burnt my tongue so many times. I know you're too eager to get into it. Yeah, so you're too eager just to bite into it. Yeah. That's a problem. I think the last time I had one I was a teenager, so um so how was that time for you? Because I'm sure you spent a lot of time talking about how it was for Fiona, but how was it for you? It's quite it was it was tough, of course. Um there was a lot of it where you no matter how many people you're surrounded with, you always still feel that loneliness element to it because no matter who you speak to, they're not going through it. So it's difficult for other people to relate. Um and of course, you know, I've got some fantastic friends who were there from um from for everything. Um one of my good friends was essentially my boss at work at that stage, and without him, I probably couldn't pay my bills. He was he was just outstanding, just phenomenal. Um and I have a lot of gratitude and a lot of thanks for him for doing that. Um but when you like I was going from the hospital to work, then I was coming home from work to go to the house to get showered, to then go back to the hospital to stay with her, and it's almost like at work, because it was so busy at times, I was in a kind of a daze. I was just doing things out of pure automation, you know, you weren't really thinking about much because in the back of your mind you knew that at three o'clock or whatever time what for work finishes at where you're gonna go next and what you're gonna have to do next, you know, and um so you you can't really concentrate on much, you know, because you've got so much else going on, and uh I remember texting a Fiona one day and I said to her, like, I don't know why, but I just feel really frustrated and like really angry. And she texts me, she's like, Well, you've got a lot going on. And when she said that when I read that, I was like, right, okay. Because you're too busy thinking about her and what she's going through because she was going through so much, and it was happening to her, but that didn't mean something wasn't that was different happening to you, yeah, you know? Yeah. And so did that force you then to think about yourself. For sure. Yeah, it's well more that when when she sent that text, that's whenever I told my friend who I spoke about early on, who worked with, um, about everything that was going on. Um and he's pretty much saying, Listen, the job will be there, just go and do what you have to do. So good. And just by that one conversation, like it was I wouldn't say a weight lifted, but it it just felt like I could I could do things that prioritised what needed to be done more than just doing it for the sake of the job, if that makes sense. You could prioritise where your energy was going without worrying. Right. Yeah, for sure. And I think that's just the important thing that I've taken away from this whole experience and the grief that I've I've got and and from losing Fiona was like when the difference between someone saying they'll do something and someone physically doing it. Um because it would have been easy for my friend at that moment in time to say, Listen, if you want to call me or you know, come around the house for a cup of tea, then do that. But when you're in that situation, you don't want to burden anybody. So you don't do it. Whereas he he had action before he had words. That was that was a massive thing for me. A bit. I know. And so 29th of January, what happens? How was she in the few days before that? Yeah, the Saturday, which would have been the 27th, um, she was she had uh what I now know to be that kind of surge of life. Um where she was up in her bed and she was chatting and all her friends were there and seeing her, and there was that many people in the room that I was conscious that I didn't want to overcrowd it because the nurses, I don't want to upset the nurses, you know what I mean, and make them have to come in and clear the room. So um I gave her a little bit of space and my mum and dad came up and she was actually planning. My mum and my mum and her are very close, and uh she was almost like a second daughter, and uh they were planning a sleepover, so she was gonna go down to my mum's house and have wine and drink and do whatever you do. Uh yeah, she was just she was on top of the world that day, she really was. Um and then that night I'd left my so the Friday she was rushed into the hospital um with a really high heart rate, um, her temperature was through the roof. So I was in work that morning and I just left my laptop and everything else. I just left and went. And so she said to me that Saturday night, we'd we watched Love Island together. I would say I wouldn't like Love Island, but I'm most closet fans, um but she would like to eat her laptop with you, and I didn't. So I said, I'll go get some cold rain first thing on Sunday morning. So we just watched whatever was on TV that night and we just chatted and it was just like another normal night in the hospital that we always had. Um we used to argue or not argue, sorry, we used to uh we used to always say that that room was our like five-star hotel because it was her bed was there, my bed was there, it was a private bathroom, you know. It's we made a joke about it basically. Um but uh yeah, so on the Sunday morning she was she was in and out of consciousness, but she was still able to know that I was there. So I went home and got changed, her mum came to be with her, and then I went down to Corinne at the laptop and then I came back up that evening her mum went home and she wasn't she wasn't really she wasn't really with us, I don't think she was in and out. Um and then around one o'clock on the Monday morning I could she kept moving, she had the the auction in her nose and she kept moving it out so I could hear the the the auction hitting off her skin. So I had to keep getting up and putting it over her ears and and putting it back in. Uh and as as she was doing that once, she kind of went like that and she reached for her water which was by the side, but you know, like where they put water in the cotton bud and they dip it around their lips, so that was her lollipop, she called a lollipop. So I knew that she was looking for that, so I dipped it in and I gave it to her and she opened her eyes, and it was the last time she opened her eyes, and um yeah, I said, I love you, and she just nodded and went back to sleep again. So um yeah. Yeah, that was the last time, and I've wrote I've said to friends too, like I feel really privileged at the fact that we had that moment because Yeah. Her seeing my eyes and my my eyes seeing her eyes for the last time was I don't know difficult but really really special. Sorry. I'm quite cute. Right. Okay, quite crazy now. No, no, it's I was saying to Jenna yesterday, like it's there are certain parts of her story that get me every single time and there are other parts I don't know when it's gonna come. It just happens. But that part always gets me. Um I guess it's like it's very difficult to describe, but like I still seen hope in her eyes. I didn't see that she was defeated, I didn't see that she was giving up. It was they were bright, they were wide, they weren't half open, they weren't it wasn't someone in despair. I didn't look like it. No. Which is nice to have seen. Yeah. And so was that that what did you pass that night then or That morning. That morning. Um 12.04 p.m. in the afternoon. Um it was probably around seven o'clock in the morning that um she was starting to like grunt when she was sleeping um or breathing. And I got the nurse and a lovely girl from from down south and she said it's probably time to ring the family. And she asked me to ring her mum when I said I can't So she done it, she'd done everything. She was fantastic. And how were you in that moment? It's so s it's it's a surreal like I never throughout Fiona's that whole December I never um I never seen like her her skin colour or her face or her body, I never seen it changing because I spent every day with her. Yeah. Um so like even when she went in that Friday when everybody was saying that how ill she was, I was there was still part of me going, it's okay, we'll be home by next week. You know, that had happened before and she was home by next week. And so in that moment you're kind of like, well, I was I was frozen, but also looking at her thinking she doesn't look like she's dying. Yeah. You couldn't see it, you just seen your wife. No, you couldn't see it. Um The only the only time during that whole day, well there was two moments, um I'd left the room and the the priest of the father had came in and had read our last rites, but I was downstairs at that stage, so I came up halfway through and that was going on and there was a whole period of a good few hours that I'm just lost in and just don't know what was going on. Um I said to a friend recently that there was a family room, we were we were all in the family room with a friend, and every time I I don't know which of her family members or which of her which of her friends come in to say it's time to go see her because you're uh it was just such a blur. There was no concentration at that moment, like it was just it just feels like you're floating. That's what it felt to me is like you know It like it's almost like it's too much to deal with, so you just don't You just don't you s yeah It's like a protective mechanism. Yeah and then the other so that was the first the first kind of thing where it kind of hit home with the father uh giving the rights and then I was on her right hand side and I had my hand on her arm and like if you touch your hand now your skin responds. Mm-hmm And but but my hand was meet leaving an imprint on her arm. Um and then shortly after that that was funny that's that's what you remember, isn't it? Because it just doesn't it wasn't right. Yeah. I still remember like s simple like tactile things like her hair was still rising, so I thought it was responding to her touch. Yeah. So that keep that that still gives you a little bit of something. Because you're trying to rationalise it as much as possible. You know, you don't want to accept the fact that it's that that's what's happening. And how were you in the weeks, months after? Because we we're gonna move on now and talk about what you've done with that grief, what you've um you know, done it for Fiona's memory, yeah, and in a bid to help many others to hopefully have this picked up at a much earlier stage to prevent something like this happening. Yeah. So, you know, how were you in the few weeks, months after that, and when did you turn to your poetry? Yeah, so I think it was it was more the first three or four weeks, it was literally go from the grave to bed, grave to bed. That was my routine. Um I was in that moment, Fiona always said to me, said a few times to me actually that she worried about her mum. And um how she would cope with um so I was very conscious of that. So it'll give you a bit of purpose. Yeah. So you were helping her mum, what kind of things were you doing? Um we were going up and you know, we're going to a grave and flyers, etc., and going to visit her and um uh yeah, and just we actually again it was it was kind of like a period of of not really knowing what's going on, just doing things that had to be done, you know, like going from waking up in the morning and I remember very early on waking up one morning and it being like blaring sunshine outside, and my first thought was just like pull the curtains, close them out, I don't want to see that sunlight at all. Um and for the first few weeks I had this thing, this real fascination about my nails because they were growing, and I remember like reading about the fact that your health can be shown by your nails, like if you've got if your nails grow quickly, then it's essentially you're healthy, you know, and that was playing back in my mind, like I'm still living, my body still still growing my nails, it's still responding and how a body should respond, whereas Fiona's isn't. Um and then I again it just talked about the the sort of the irrationality sometimes of grief, like the toothbrush that I had in the hospital with her. You say you should change toothpaste every about three or six months or something like three months. I kept it for like a good year, I just couldn't throw it out. But you know, it's like those things are really hard to wrap your head around at the time. Um when you think back now, I guess it's you can see that this grief and it's the the holding on to something that was once in that environment with you. Um and then the writing kind of came just from like not being able to sleep and just trying to get what was in my head out on paper. Um I'd done a little bit of writing during lockdown, and and Fiona had read a number of the poems I'd written, and she was always quite up front, and I don't like that part, you know, you can remove that, add this word, or take that out. She just always said to me. She just always said to me, Stop speaking to me in your podcast voice. So you probably know what that is, right? Telephone voice, isn't it really? Um yeah, I'm quite soft with spoken here, but I'm definitely not at home. But um yeah, so that's what uh that's got kind of pushed it forward for me. And um friends, I'd I'd put like you know, pictures up on Facebook or social media or whatever, and I'd put a little verse of what I'd written, or maybe sometimes a full poem of what I'd written, and a friend said to me, like, you're putting this stuff out here, but there's other people need to know it. Other people need to read this because they can relate to it. So it took me excuse me, it took me um the best part of a year to create a social media page for the poetry and put it out there prop properly. Um and then I read at a poetry event in Port Rush on the January 25, uh the year after. And in the audience was an editor. So it was just again kind of you could call it luck or you could call it circumstance or you could call it circumstances. In a month to the year after. It was almost identical. It was like the 24th or 25th of January I read. And um yeah, the editor had said, you know, do you have other things? Other other pieces of writing that you've got. Man was like, yeah, I've got quite a bit. So by that stage I think there was about 600 odd, 650 possibly. And so over the space of a few months we met up and I showed her what I had and she said we could make a we can make a collection out of this. And that's kind of where it came from. And um I always had uh a Fiona's sister, sorry, in the May, um had put out a post on Instagram, because May Skin Cancer Awareness Month, and about Fiona's battle, etc. And it was picked up, I think, by the Belfast Live. Then it was that post was then picked up by the Irish Mirror, I think. Uh and then through that the Derry Journal got in touch. Wow. So we were starting to see that people were relating to Fiona's story and her journey, and off the back of that, me and her sister Roshin kind of said, Well, we need to try and do everything we can to keep her memory alive because obviously it's helping someone. Yep. And I have multiple messages on my phone through Instagram and through Facebook of people saying we've seen Fiona's story and we went and we got seen or we got checked. Amazing. A friend of mine who I went to school with um texted me and said that her father, she had shown it to her father, and her father went and got checked, and it ended up being type 1A, I think, mole in his head. So this was kind of saying, Well, we need to do something about this. Um and that's where that's where the foundation, the idea for the foundation came from, to raise awareness of skin cancer in Northern Ireland. So where are you at with all of that? When did that start? And and tell us a bit more about it. Yeah, so I I guess you call the official inception uh the 18th of March when all of the all the documents were all put together officially and sent off to the Charities Commission um to be registered. Um but in the background, we've kind of been looking at getting real life stories of people who are affected by cancer, skin cancer. Uh, and we have a few of those that are going to come out during the month of May for skin cancer awareness throughout that month. And we are very much in the early stages of trying to create a foundation that increases awareness of skin cancer in Northern Ireland because I think people don't really understand how prevalent it actually is. Yeah, you know, I'm a nurse. Now, granted, it didn't specialise in that in that area. Um Isenny and tea theatres. Yeah. Um but yeah, even I was quite shocked when you told me that. Yeah, so it's like what are do you know any statistics or so skin cancer accounts for thirty thirty percent of all diagnoses in Northern Ireland, which is the highest of all cancers. And I would not have thought that. I was really shocked when you told me that. I would say a lot of people are shocked with that. And I suppose they think because we don't have the weather. That's what it is, yeah. For sure. That that's not going to happen to us. The other myth is it's an older person's disease. You know, we see a lot of people in the over fifty, fifty five, it's sixty. Um get I was actually in the cemetery last week and there was an older lady there who was tending to her husband's grave, and she'd come over and she'd seen Fiona's picture and just chatting about. How young she was and we know what was how y how young was she? 36. So young. 36. Uh we're uh she was born on the 17th of June and the 6th of June, so we're 11 days apart. Same year 1987. So um yeah, so that leads me over and started speaking about Fiona and about her age and her skin cancer diagnosis, and she said that's exactly what she said to me. She said that you would think that it was uh an older person disease by the way of of what you believe or what you read in media. So recently there was that high-profile um actor Finan, I think he was in Hope Street, who uh recently passed away with skin cancer. He was quite young, I think maybe late twenties, early thirties. Really? So it goes to show you just you know that it's not an old person disease. Young people can can get this to you. And you know what I mean, how far does your charity go in terms of trying to help people um know the signs or you know, you know, when would someone know to get something checked? You know what kind of things is the charity doing, how's it going about raising awareness? Right. So the first thing we're looking to do is create a sort of a real life uh experience campaign where we want to speak to as many people who have been affected by skin cancer as possible, and whether that's someone who is currently going through it um or who has been through the other side of it, or has lost someone in their family, and we want to basically highlight how it affects the family and how it affects that person and use their experience to try and promote others to be more aware of their own bodies. Um so we've got four lined up for that so far, um, which is quite nice, um, and they're very open with their with with being able to share, which I think would be a good way of connecting. Um I guess the other element of that is knowing what a changing mole looks like. Um so you've got things like the change of of size and diameter, colour, uh shape of a mole. Sometimes they scab, sometimes they bleed and they weep. So if there's one of the things that Fiona was always told to do was if you've got a a mole that you're worried about, take a picture of it as soon as you you think you're worried about it, and then just keep documenting that. Um maybe via weekly or bi-weekly basis, just keep taking pictures of it. Probably a bit OCD, yeah. I feel it on my back, I can't see it. And it must be like once every couple of weeks. I always say to Hummy, has that changed? Is that changed? And he's like and he does, he comes over, and it's never a bother. And he's like, No, it's looking the exact same, the exact same. But is it something you think is it's so simple, right? But just people aren't doing it. True, yeah, and it's it's even things like covering up when you're in the sun. And you know, I read again, I'm not a medical professional, but um I read that when your skin tans, that's your skin protecting itself by darkening its complexion so that it doesn't get it damaged or burnt anymore. So the fact that certain people will go and try and get a tan through sunbeds, etc., um, is actually damaging the skin as much as it is giving them a good colour, you know. And um there's a widely available statistic online that you'll find on on Google if you just Google it. Um that statistic goes between uh 60 and 75%. So uh one usage of uh sunbed under the age of 35 can increase your risk of skin cancer by between 60 and 75%. Just one sunbed under the age of 35. Yeah. Again, it's widely available online. You can get all the statistics on there. They uh NHS have a a Safe in the Sun website which has statistics on that, um, as well as cancer research and cancer focus, they're all on there too. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I don't I shouldn't really think about my submits in the day. That's the thing though. You just think it's just it's just a machine for tanning you. Right. But I think since I've been using them, which was a long time ago, um over 20 years ago, you um there wasn't that information. No. So hopefully, you know, would like to think the younger generations will know how I mean they'd still throw two sheets at the wind and they're not really thinking that far off in the future. But as you say, there's no you told me there's no other cancer charities for the I don't I've done research, as much research as I can get, and I don't believe that there's a specific skin cancer awareness can uh charity in Northern Ireland. So you've done something really great here, and hopefully this will through the years um you'll be able to educate and hopefully you know if you if you I'm trying to think, if you told me when I was about 18 or 20, you know, that that statistic would it be enough to change my mind? But yeah, I would have re that they're they're getting smarter now, they're taking things on more now, the the younger generations, they're not drinking as much alcohol. So But if there's even on that Safe in the Sun website, the NHS run, uh there is even packs for schools. So if teachers are worried about that or they themselves have experienced it, uh maybe they're thinking about teaching their students about it at an older level. That's really good. You can get information on there that you can use as teaching packs. They're not they're not ours, they're not the foundations, they're on the NHS uh Safe and the Sun website. But that information is there. I'm not too sure how many people are there, you know. Yeah. Um and maybe more awareness in around that would be more beneficial. Do you think that's something that you would maybe do then? Reach out to schools and I think so, yeah. I've had one conversation with a teacher. Um I'd do a level four in counselling on a Tuesday night at Palomina Tech. And in that class, there's a few teachers, and one of the teachers was was asking me about the foundation and about poetry and how they merge together. So we're hoping going to we're hoping to create something together in in September about that. So we don't know what way it's gonna look. The conversations have happened, but we'll see how that goes. That uh that would be special. And how's the poetry going now? Going really well. Yeah, it's just it's going really well. Yeah, I know. Talk to me about this book. First volume, so it looks so good. Thank you. Thank you. Um yeah, as I said, um It's called I Talk to Trees. Yeah. Um and everyone keeps asking why is it called I Talk to Trees? It's basically because well, for one, I wrote a poem called I Talk to Trees, but I wrote that poem thinking about in grief how many like inanimate objects you all speak we all speak to. Like I'll go to the grave and I'll speak to Fiona, but it's a marble stone in real in all reality, it's that's what it is. And I speak to her picture at home. So when I wrote the poem, I talk to trees, it was kind of me thinking about what other things could you speak to where Fiona could hear you. And the name with the title of that poem just kind of stuck with me, and that's why it's called I Talk to Trees. So it's not that I go and I hug trees in a forest or buttons. No, there's always some some other meaning, isn't there? Right. Yeah. And um when did this when was this released? Uh the 22nd of March this year it came out. Um and it's it's it shorters, I guess, the sort of darker elements of grief that initial most of those poems were written probably in the first six to eight months. Right, okay, so right in the thick of it. Um I had kind of three options open to me. I could have mixed that with sort of the dark grief and the light grief and kind of kept the book balanced. Um or I could have had one separately for the dark stuff and one for the lighter stuff, and that's what I chose. So volume two will hopefully be out in January twenty-seven. Oh, you really are going for it. So I love to see this. So it's will I read just something that's written here? Yeah, for sure. In this collection, Gary presents with clarity the brightness of love and the darkness of loss. These are poems that will stop you in your tracks, will bring a lump to your throat and tears to your eyes. As you did with me today. Um This is my copy. Yes. Thank you. I'll look forward to reading it. Um Is there any events or anything like that coming up or anything that you would want to do? Well, the the all the proceeds from the book are going directly to the foundation. So everything goes to that. Um we are, as I said, looking to create a a real life experience, uh awareness where people who have skin cancer or who have been affected by it can get in touch with us. If anyone's out there thinking, you know, you'd like to share their story. It doesn't necessarily have to go on social media or be a video, it can just be to reach out and share a story. Whether that's a phone call or a cup of coffee or a cup of tea. You know, um I think sometimes in these This is like a form of support and maybe to help them through what you've what you know so much about. Right. Because I write in the book, you know, like shared experience can be a potent source of connection. And sometimes, like I said earlier on, you can feel so lonely and so disjointed with the world because you think nobody else is going through what you're going through. Now they're not going to do it, go be going through it specifically how you're going through it, but there'll be elements of that that will be similar. Um so if anybody's out there, any families out there that want to reach out um and chat to us about that, about what they're going through, what they've gone through, please do that. And you can get it through our social media. There's a form on our website under the your ta your story tab where you can type it and it comes via email. So there's no kind of face-to-face stuff. If you want a phone call, of course, we can have one. But the more of that we can do, I think, and the more of connection and a support network we can build, that's also going to be a form of awareness. Um and is that something that you feel it would have helped you when you were going through that or even immediately post losing Fiona, yeah. Um specifically because of the way algorithms are now used on social media. You know, if you're if you're on Google and you're you're Googling the symptoms of skin cancer, the chances are when you go onto Facebook or Instagram the next few days you're gonna have things that relate to that on that post somewhere. You know, so if you have that information out there and people are searching for it and listening to it and reading it, the chances are it's gonna be seen by somebody else. Yeah. Um her sister, Fiona's sister Roshin, is in Australia. Uh so for the fun for the month of May, she's gonna walk slash run the hundred kilometres. So um which is kind of nice so she's putting all that together right now. That's amazing. Yeah, I can't even run three kilometres. Walking up the hill does me. But um, yeah, she's gonna do that over over uh over May. So Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah. And there's also the foul hospice walk that happens every year in June. It's the 7th of June this year. Okay. Um the foul hospice nurses were fantastic with Fiona when they came out to the house. So at night time when she hadn't needed her medication, I couldn't give it to her, we'd we'd ring them and they'd come in, and every single one we had was was just the care that they gave her was phenomenal. So we'll always support the food hospice. So that walk is happening in June. So if you're around Derry in June and you fancy going out a walk, you buy a t-shirt, I think it's ten or fifteen pound. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you buy a t-shirt and it's about ten or fifteen pounds and all that money goes to the hospice. That's incredible. And how are you doing now? You know, I know you've been writing your poetry and you've got your books, which is an amazing accomplishment, and you've started up this foundation and you've got plans. Yeah. But how would you say you're doing now? There's there's good bad good and bad days, of course. Um I think uh what I'm doing now is giving me a purpose and I found this purpose, and I'm not religious in a kind of way, so I can't say this happened this was meant to happen to give me a purpose. I can't say that at all. I would never say that. It's just how the universe works, that's what I say. Right. And that's how I feel about the fact that what I'm doing now, and I don't mean this in the in regards of like I'm gonna take my own life, but what I'm doing now is is give me a purpose to live, you know, and and to to keep Fiona's memory alive and to help as many people as we can, support as many people as we can, but also show people that you know as m as as as horrible and as hard and challenging as this has been if you can hold on to one positive light and give it to somebody else, and let them take that light and give it to somebody else, then you're passing it around and you're affecting more people than you'll ever know. Well, I can't thank you enough for sharing your story, sharing Fiona's story and for all the good work that you're doing. Thank you. And I will drop all the links in this podcast so that everything you've mentioned there, people can easily click onto it and support the foundation and uh get more information. Share it with someone that might you know might need it. Yeah. Um Gary, thank you so much. Thank you really. And I wish you all the best. I will look forward to reading this book and I look forward to volume two. Yes, and January. Perfect, thank you. Thank you.