🎙️ Episode #62 The Secret Fear Nobody Wants To Admit

What if the thing you've spent your entire life trying to fix... was never broken?

In this deeply honest episode, Dustin Wheeler explores one of the most painful and universal fears many people carry in silence:

The fear that something is fundamentally wrong with them.

The fear that everyone else somehow got the instruction manual for life.

The fear that no matter how much healing, growth, achievement, success, or self-improvement they pursue...

it never quite feels like enough.

Through personal stories, powerful insights, and the lens of conscious creation, Dustin unpacks the hidden identity underneath anxiety, perfectionism, overachievement, loneliness, burnout, and the endless search for "someday."

Inside this conversation:

•  Why personal development can accidentally reinforce feelings of inadequacy
• The hidden "Not-It Identity" driving many people's lives
• The dangerous myth that happiness exists somewhere in the future
• Why money is often a smoke screen for deeper fears around freedom, authority, choice, and visibility
• How survival adaptations become mistaken for personal defects
• Why your creations don't create your worth
• What it means to stop fixing yourself and start remembering yourself

This episode is for anyone who has ever quietly wondered:

"What if I'm the problem?"

Because maybe there was never anything wrong with you.

Maybe there was only a structure convincing you there was.

🎙️ If this episode spoke to you, make sure you follow the podcast, share it with someone you love, and come join us inside the Spiritually Kinky community on Skool where we help high-performing women stop living from survival and start creating from true choice, focus, and flow.

Join Here! 

Transcript

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What if the thing you've spent your entire life trying to fix was never broken? What if the anxiety, overthinking, self-doubt, loneliness, the fear, the procrastination, the endless search for fucking answers was never evidence that something was wrong with you? Because today I want to talk about something that most people feel but are terrified to admit out loud. The secret fear that follows them into their relationships, their businesses, their careers, their finances, their healing journey. The fear that whispers, what if I'm fundamentally defective? What if everyone else got the instruction manual for life and somehow I missed it? What if I'm the problem? And if you've ever felt like that, babe, this episode is for you. Welcome back to Spiritually Kinky, where science meets seduction, spirit meets structure, and creation becomes your love language. If you're new here, my name is Dustin Wheeler, and I help high-performing women make the shift from being the oldest version of their past selves into the youngest version of their future selves so that they can create a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside. Because here's the thing is most people aren't stuck because they're broken. They're stuck because somewhere along the way they inherited unconscious instructions about who they needed to be in order to be loved. Safe, accepted, successful enough. And here's the thing: those instructions quietly became the structure that runs their lives. But here's the problem is most people don't know that they're living inside those structures. They just feel the symptoms. They feel the overthinking, the anxiety, the perfectionism, loneliness, exhaustion, burnout, and the constant feeling that no matter how much they accomplish, how much they do, how much they achieve, it never feels like enough. And this week, I want to have a really honest conversation about the thing that sits underneath all of it. The identity of not it, running on the belief that somehow we're defective, that somehow we're broken, that somehow everyone else got the instruction manual for life and we fucking missed it. Because recently I watched a 32-year-old creator talking about how miserable he was, how hard he was trying, how lonely he felt, how he couldn't slow his mind down. And as I listened, I wasn't hearing someone talking about anxiety. I wasn't hearing someone talking about productivity. I wasn't hearing him talk about motivation. I was hearing someone silently asking the question. So many of us have asked ourselves, what if there's something wrong with me? And if I'm being honest, I know that question intimately. Because for most of my life, I thought that there was. But there's a lie beneath the struggle. So there was a period of my life where I genuinely believed that I was broken, not intellectually, emotionally, deep in my bones. I believed that everyone else had gotten some sort of knowing, and mine got fucking lost in the mail. I thought everyone else knew how to be happy, how to love, how to create success, how to create money, how to feel enough. And somehow I was the only person who couldn't figure it out. So I did what many of us do. I tried to fix myself. I read the books, I listened to the podcasts, I went to workshops, coaching, studied spirituality, I studied psychology, marketing, healing modalities, mindset, trauma, patterns, worked on my inner child, did the shadow work. And here's what nobody tells you is that the harder I worked on fixing myself, the more broken I felt. Because every new thing that I tried quietly reinforced the same message, quietly reinforced the unconscious identity that had been running my life. You're not there yet. You're still not enough. Keep working, keep searching, keep fixing. And eventually, what'll happen is you'll become burnt out, you'll become exhausted. And not because growth is exhausting, but because trying to become someone you're not is exhausting. And babe, you are always in grand design. So maybe if you're like me and you've been trying to build the million-dollar vision from the not-it identity, babe, the problem was never you, the problem is the foundation in which you've been building. Because the problem wasn't that I was broken, the problem was that I built an identity around believing that I was, and that changes everything. And the hero's journey that nobody talks about is this. Because most people think that the hero's journey begins when the hero answers the call. I don't. I think it begins the moment the hero forgets who they are. And babe, we are all on this super conscious hero's journey. Because this is the moment that we believe that we're not enough. This is the moment where we disconnect from our own worth, the moment that we start creating from survival instead of creation. Because from that point forward, life becomes a search, a search for the thing that will finally make us enough. The relationship, the money, success, achievement, recognition, the breakthrough, the healing, the answer. And every experience becomes evidence. Money problems, proof, relationship problems, proof, fear, proof, anxiety, proof, procrastination, proof. See, I'm not it. See, there's something wrong with me. And the mind becomes a detective collecting evidence for a crime that never even occurred. This is where the not it identity is born. This is where the most dangerous lie of all enters the story and begins shaping our reality. We start to believe that there's this magical myth of someday, someday I'll relax, someday I'll slow down, someday I'll enjoy my life, someday I'll finally be enough, feel safe, be happy, stop worrying, stop proving myself, finally arrive. But here's what nobody tells you, babe. Someday is the drug of the not it identity, because the identity doesn't actually want resolution. It wants confirmation. It wants confirmation that you're not there yet. Proof that you're not enough. Proof that happiness belongs somewhere in the future and not in the now. And every time you get close, the goalpost moves. You make more money, still not enough. You lose the weight, still not enough. You build the business, still not enough. You find the relationship, still not enough, because your creations were never designed to change you. And that is one of the most important things that I've learned is that you are the creative force. You get to create what you want, but your creations don't change you. Money doesn't make you worthy. Love doesn't make you lovable. Success doesn't make you enough. Achievement doesn't make you significant. Your creations do not change your value. They reveal it, they express it, they expand it, but they do not create it. Because your value, babe, existed before any of those things arrived, and your worth has never been up for debate. And I think that this is where people get trapped. They think that they have money blocks, but money is often just the smoke screen. Because underneath money is freedom, choice, authority, visibility, receiving, responsibility, love. Because if you actually had the money, then you might have to choose. Then you might have to trust yourself. Then you might have to stop blaming circumstances. Then you might have to claim your authority. And that's that's what scares people. Not the money, what the money represents. But the deepest trap of all is the war we wage against being human. And I think we've created an entire culture obsessed with fixing normal human experiences: fear, doubt, grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, resistance, uncertainty. And because we don't want to feel them, we begin judging them, shaming them, fighting them, resisting them, calling them bad, trying to transcend them, trying to eliminate them, avoid them, fix them, heal them, diagnose them, trying to become some perfect version of ourselves. And in the process, babe, we begin shaming the very parts of us that kept us alive. The people pleaser, the perfectionist, the overachiever, the caretaker, the procrastinator, the hyper-independent woman, the controller, the avoider. Those parts are not evidence that you're broken. They're evidence that your nervous system loved you enough to protect you. They were never the enemy. The conflict began when you started treating them like they were. Because maybe, babe, maybe there was never anything wrong with you. Maybe you're not exhausted because you haven't worked hard enough. Maybe you're exhausted because you've spent your entire fucking life trying to become someone you already are. Maybe you're not broken. Maybe you're just beautifully human. Maybe you're not defective. Maybe you're carrying old instructions that were never yours. Maybe you're not failing. Maybe you're succeeding at a structure that was only designed to keep you safe. That was only designed to keep you oscillating. And maybe, just maybe, the next chapter of your life isn't about fixing yourself. It's about remembering yourself. Not healing forever, not searching forever, not improving forever. Remembering, choosing, creating, trusting, living now, not someday, now. So if you're someone who has spent years trying to fix yourself, trying to become enough, trying to finally arrive at some future version of yourself where you can relax, where you can be happy, and then you'll enjoy your life. Babe, this is exactly the work that we do inside the spiritually kinky community and school. If you're a high-performing woman that's been creating from your past and you're ready to step out, stretch your legs, and see what you're really made of. This is for the woman who is successful on paper, but exhausted inside. For women who have spent years earning their worth through achievement, performance, people pleasing, perfectionism, and proving that they're worthy. Women who are ready to stop living from survival and start creating from true choice. Not because, babe, you need to become someone different, but because you're finally ready to remember who you've been all along. So if you're ready for that kind of work, babe, then come join us. The link is in my bio. Because the truth is, babe, is that you are not broken, you are the creative force within, and you get to choose what you would love to create. And maybe, just maybe, there was never anything wrong with you. And maybe, just maybe, it was only a structure convincing you there was. So whether you're here to be a little bit spiritual, or you're here to be a little bit kinky, or you're here like me to be a whole lot of both, because creation is one of the fucking kinkiest things that you will ever do, lead with love, my friends. And in case nobody told you today, I see you, I feel you, and I love you, and you are not alone.