B+ with Krista Gregg

Erika Mahoney: Losing Her Father in the Boulder King Soopers Shooting & Finding Hope After Senseless Tragedy

• Bright Sky House • Season 1 • Episode 6

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In this episode of B+, Krista Gregg talks with journalist and podcaster Erika Mahoney about losing her father, Kevin Mahoney, in the 2021 Boulder King Soopers mass shooting. Erika shares her personal experience from that day, her unique perspective as both a reporter and a grieving daughter, and how she’s navigating life after such a senseless tragedy.

They discuss the lasting impact of grief, the challenges and ethics of journalism when covering mass shootings, and the urgent need for mental health awareness, community support, and prevention. Erika also shares how she’s honoring her father’s legacy through small acts of kindness — like returning shopping carts and picking up litter — and how her podcast Senseless is helping others process loss and trauma.

This is a powerful conversation about acceptance, resilience, and finding hope after unimaginable loss.

Takeaways

  • Erica Mahoney's podcast 'Senseless' addresses the impact of gun violence.
  • The day of the Boulder shooting was an ordinary day turned tragic.
  • Waiting for news about loved ones during a crisis is agonizing.
  • Grief is a complex journey that requires acceptance and processing.
  • Journalism can play a crucial role in covering tragedies.
  • Community responses to gun violence are often filled with disbelief.
  • Mental health support is essential in preventing violence.
  • Honoring loved ones can be done through small acts of kindness.
  • Grief and joy can coexist in the healing process.
  • Creating a legacy for lost loved ones helps keep their memory alive.

Link to Learn More About Mental Health First Aid

https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/

About B+ with Krista Gregg

In B+, host Krista Gregg sits down with people who’ve faced life’s messiest, most meaningful moments—and kept going. From unexpected struggles to hard-won growth, each guest shares what they’ve learned about resilience, purpose, and the power of real connection.

This podcast doesn’t promise perfection. It celebrates the process.

Produced by Bright Sky House — bringing hidden stories to light.

Mental Health Resources

  • 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 for free, 24/7, confidential support for mental health crises, suicidal thoughts, or emotional distress.
  • Find a Therapist: Search for licensed therapists near you through directories like Psychology Today, TherapyDen, or Mental Health Match.
  • Join a Support Group: Connect with others through peer-led or professionally facilitated support groups via NAMI or GriefShare.

Stay Connected with B+

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LinkedIn: Bright Sky House

If you have questions or would like to follow-up with any of our guests, reach out to Hello@BrightSkyHouse.com.

B+ is available wherever you listen to podcasts.

Hi everyone, this is Krista with Be Positive and today's episode takes us to Boulder, Colorado. On March 22nd, 2021, mass shooting at a King Super's grocery store claimed 10 lives. One of them was Kevin Mahoney, father of journalist and advocate Erica Mahoney. Erica's world changed in an instant that day. and in this conversation, Erica will be sharing with you her experience from that day, her unique perspective as both a reporter and a grieving daughter, and the way she's been navigating life in the years since. We also dive into her podcast, Senseless. Her podcast explores a statement she made in 2023, which was in an article published by The Atlantic. She was quoted as saying, the victims are not just in number and the web of pain is much bigger than we may think. Each of her episodes amplify the voices affected by this tragedy and thoroughly explore key moments of that terrible day and what followed. Buckle up everyone, because this is a conversation about loss, love, and the ripples that one day can create. and it's one I hope stays with you long after you listen. you Hi everyone. I am thrilled to be joined with Erica Mahoney today. I reached out to Erica. saw an interview on Nine News here in Colorado and she was promoting her new podcast, Senseless, which there is so much to unpack here with this story. And we will dive into that in a second. But first, Erica is a journalist. She's a daughter. She's a mother. She's a wife. She's a podcaster and also an advocate. I am so excited to dive into this idea of overcoming senseless things that happen, understanding loss, legacy, motherhood, and everything that just kind of surrounds it and understanding a little bit more too about her senseless podcast, which I will not leave anybody in the dark here. It's exploring what happened and then raveling of the day of March 22nd, 2021 in Boulder, Colorado. at the King's Supers where there was a mass shooting and she unexpectedly and unfortunately lost her father that day. And we are just so excited to have you Erica here to share your story and talk about all the great work you're doing. oh Thank you so much. You know, it's just a reminder to me, like when you say the name of the podcast, Senseless, I love the name because we talk about senseless gun violence all the time. But also I think that this word applies to so much more than just that. And I really wanted to create this podcast so that it would resonate with anyone grappling with grief and trauma. And the truth is like no one goes through life without those things. And senseless things happen. And it's particularly hard when they don't make sense. And I think for me, like the first chapter after losing my dad that way, was, I was living in such a state of denial for so long. And I think that we expect people to like, you know, get over that stage more quickly than is like reality. Absolutely. And we're going to dive into a lot of your experience as a journalist covering mass casualty event before losing your father, but then also what life has been like since then and your advocacy work and being able to piece together all of these different stories and how people's lives are changed that day. First, let's start kind of take us back to that day in Boulder. What do you remember? What really stands out to you? And what do you want people to know about your experience that day? So that day was just like an ordinary day. It was a Monday. I went to work. I was news director of the NPR station in the Monterey, California area. That week we were doing a pledge drive. So that's when you go on air and you ask for donations to support public radio. And I was on the air when I saw my phone light up and it was on silent, but I could see it light up. And it was my mom. And I thought that was unusual because She actually like loves the pledge drives because you could, it's kind of this opportunity to just talk more naturally instead of maybe just always doing the news. And she would typically like tune in. And so I thought, that's so weird. Like my mom would never call me knowing I'm on the air. And I couldn't answer. And then we went to a break and I saw she called again. And that's when I started to feel a little bit worried because, know, she was calling twice. And Because we were on a break, I answered. And I'll never forget what she said. She started out and she said, you know, Aerie, like, please don't freak out. I was six months pregnant with my first child when this happened. So she was really concerned about just the state I was in. And then she said there's an active shooter at King Super's. And King Super's is the neighborhood grocery store in my hometown of Boulder, Colorado. My heart just sunk into my stomach. I first... thought because she was speaking kind of quietly and timidly that she was inside the store. And so I started to prepare like the final words that maybe she would ever hear because unfortunately two years before this happened, I had covered a mass shooting for NPR News and for national news. And so just end growing up in a world with mass shootings, it had crossed my mind before like, what if this happens and like, what would I say? And so I started to say, you Mom, like, I love you so much. And I was trying to be strong because it's like, felt like I had to be the strong one in that situation. And then she said, honey, I'm not at the store. I just felt like this sigh of relief. And I remember I went outside and I was like gripping the guard rail. And you know, my nervous system was like, like going a mile a minute. And then she started to say, like, we're getting all these alerts. You know, we're supposed to shelter in place. And I started to think about who is in the store. I mean, South boulders, a very tight knit community. And then it took her a while, but she event, she then said, um, dad went grocery shopping. And at that point I just felt like I was going to fall to my knees. I, for some reason, it didn't cross my mind that he would be there. I think I would have thought she would have opened the conversation with that. So because she didn't, I thought like he, he's fine. You know? Um, And in that moment, I am being waved back in by my coworkers who have no idea what's going on. They're like, you know, because I was the only one, like really, I was like the main one speaking. I'm like, my God. So I had to go in and talk for literally four to six minutes live on the radio. And I remember as soon as it was done, I looked at my coworkers and I told them what was going on. And I'll never forget Paul. He's so sweet. like, my dad's age, he looked at me and said, we love you. We'll go outside and take care of this. And that was the beginning of an absolute nightmare. episode one, it sounded like there obviously wasn't a lot of information, especially in those first 12 hours. And you've seen the other side of it, I want to say at the garlic festival in California, was it Villevore? And so you've been on the side of reporting and broadcasting from press conferences from a mass casualty event. But to be someone on pins and needles wondering what the news is gonna be, if they're gonna release any statements about who has passed, anything about the shooter, anything at all. What was that like for you, knowing both sides? gosh, was like there's nothing worse than waiting in limbo on the fate of a loved one. And there was so little information. I remember walking down the steps and sitting on the steps and actually like leaning into my journalism skills. Like how do I find out what's going on? And so I went onto Boulder Police's Twitter account and And there was very little, it was something like active shooter situation, PIO, public information officer en route. I, there was nothing. And I remember I commented and I said, did everyone make it out okay? And that ended up being quite a comment. And so I was just sitting on the stairs and I remember wanting to call my dad, but feeling really worried that if I called him, it would like draw in the shooter. And you know, that's obviously the last thing you want to do. And so, you know, we didn't, I didn't call him. And then I saw another tweet and it was something like scene secured. And I, I don't know, I just had a bad feeling. And I went to the side of the building and I felt like, okay, if the scene is secured, can call my dad. And I really like, It makes me cry now thinking about that because I was pregnant, literally crouching behind this bush on the side of the building. And I called my dad and I was really like, please, answer. And when it went to voicemail, just think, we didn't know, but that wasn't a good sign. So that's all happening within, I'd say, the first hour. And then I called my boss and he said, go home and I was so distraught I couldn't drive. So my husband came and picked me up and we drove home and we turned on the TV and that was really traumatizing because just seeing my neighbor grocery store and like crime scene tape like everywhere, there were so many officers. There were like SWAT people on the roof. Like it was really, it was so weird. And then I saw a man's body on the ground. And I, ugh, it just makes me still like get that sick, nauseous feeling. called my mom and I said, did you see that man's body on the ground? And she's, and my mom said, yeah. And he said, do you think that's dad? And she said, no, it didn't look like dad. And I was like, you're right. No. And so this is like denial, right? Your brain's like, you know, I was like, no. But like, now looking back, like you could kind of see it was like the same jacket and jeans that he always wore. So. That was horrific, and that image really stuck with me for a long time. But again, we still didn't know. Right. So as the night goes on, it's just getting worse and worse. And there was going to be a press conference. again, learning into my journalism skills, I'm like, figure out how to find this press conference. I'm watching. And I'm watching all these reporters kind of hover around this podium. where officials are speaking. And it was so weird because it just took me back to when I was on the other side of the story covering it. And my heart went out to them because I remember how hard it was for me to cover this. And at first press conference, they said something like multiple people were killed and the shooter was in custody. And then there was another press conference later in the night where I think they said maybe that there was 10 people and we essentially went to bed without knowing. And, um, and I'll tell this story. It's, it's like a spiritual story, but I couldn't sleep obviously. And I walked, I woke up, got out of bed because I just, couldn't lay there anymore. And I walked into the living room and I was looking outside. This was in California out the window. At there's like a single country road that leads to our house and there were all these trees and the moon was like shining on the trees and it was full. It was a moment of peace after so much and there was this flash on the country road and it was so weird and I remember looking at that and thinking, huh, I'm watching to see if this light was a car and seeing, was it gonna go forward or backwards? And it just completely disappeared. And I felt like it was a sign for my dad. saying, you know, I'm on the other side. And it was so, you know, I felt I was on the other side of the story. And then he was on the other side of, you know, whatever realm we live in. And then I felt him, I kind of heard him say like, Aerie, I'm on the other side now. I'm with Brenda, my aunt who had just passed. And I kid you not, a minute later, my phone rang. It was my brother, my baby brother. I mean, younger brother, but he's always my baby brother. And he's like, the corner's on the phone, the corner's on the phone, dad's dead. And yeah, that was, it was like we knew, but until we really had that official word, it wasn't real. And, and that was 12 hours after everything happened. And to be honest, police did apologize for how long it took. They'd never dealt with anything like this. There was a lot of fatalities and they wanted to do everything right. And, and, know, and I've come to know them, these officers, so I only have love and respect for them, but I do think that that was hard and I think, I don't know, maybe nothing would have been easier but me, maybe not waiting so long, yeah. And something that stood out to me as you described your reporting at the Garlic Festival in California was you wanted to lead with a particular sound bite with your editor, which was someone saying, hey, you we never thought this could happen here. What was his response? How do you see it even today? We live in a society now where we're almost numb when these events happen because it happens more frequently. Yeah, yeah, that was such a strange moment that I really think about to this day. So yeah, the Gilray Garlic Festival shooting happened at the very end of their summer festival, and it was a big, event for the community. Gilray is like known as the garlic capital of the world. So I got the call from NPR to go because it was a weekend and like, I was one of the closest reporters and I remember rushing up there and similarly there was so little information but I was able to find where the reunification center was, which by the way, there's talk about changing the term reunification center because we didn't get reunified with my dad when there was one set up. But anyway, that's what it is now. So we went to the reunification center and it was in this covered parking lot that was where people could take buses to the festival. And I remember the faces of those people just running around. And I interviewed this woman who she worked in the children's area. And she's, you and I said, you know, did you ever think this would happen in Gilroy? Because again, it's such a small, rural, community-oriented, kid-friendly place. And she was like, never. And I remember that like leaving being like, that's a soundbite that this woman never thought that this would happen here. And when I brought it to the editor, who I'd never worked with, it was like an overnight producer working from DC. She said something to the effect of like, everyone says that nowadays. Like implying that it was like a cliche soundbite. And it really kind of hurt me in the moment because I was like, you didn't see her face. I was there. And like, that actually is a real reaction. And how sad that at this point, we're trying to think of something fresh. Like, I don't know, it just, so I just, but I was on a deadline and I was like a fairly new reporter. And so we just kept going and, you know, not to say anything about, about her. Like she actually really helped me with, with the whole story and stuff. And, but like, That's just kind of the reality. Like there is like this cynicism and you you want it to not always be the same, right? But maybe that's part of problem. mean, it's like, no, like this should not be happening. And let's be real in our coverage. Like that is really, to me, the only real reaction. I felt the exact same thing. my God. Boulder, which is nicknamed like the Boulder bubble has now been like That bubble's Burst. Burst, exactly. Yeah. Even to this day, there's so many different events that you could point to all around the country of something happening. Well, episode isn't out, but I wrote this paragraph in the final episode that really speaks to this. It was something to the effect of like, it's unthinkable, but at this point, it's also expected. It's just that you don't expect it to happen to you. And it did happen to me and it happened to my family and my community. so, yeah, anyway, I speak to that in... the episode that will come out August 12th. We both grew up in Colorado. We talked earlier out, you know, we were alive during Columbine. Yeah. You had the Aurora Theater shooting. One of my former high school had a shooting in it. It does feel like there is, there's this element since we were kids, where you've been brought up to be on the lookout. Yeah. Yeah. You and your brother talked about that a little bit too. on the episodes for senseless. How do you view in terms of advocacy, in terms of change, what needs to happen? That's a big question. Yeah, no, 100%. Well, and just to add to that, so I was recently interviewed by a reporter at a TV station in the Monterey area where I used to work. And he and I were talking about how he also remembers Columbine. And what he remembers was that the teachers came in and said, this happened. And I think they were dismissed early. I remember being dismissed early. I was in third grade. So you must have been, think you were in... It's great, okay. We got dismissed early. I was at Pettles School, so was like five miles away. We weren't on lockdown. That's too close. and we rode the bus home and I just remember my mom was still at work, but I was at home. And yeah, it was weird. It was so weird. It was so weird and I think nobody knew how to handle it. And so what this reporter remembers the teacher saying was like, you know, something really bad happened, but this will never happen again. And it's like, it was just the beginning. Yeah. And now here we are as moms, knowing, you know, my daughter's, she's going into preschool, but she'll be doing like these active shooter drills. So, you know, how do we get here? How did we get to this point? And, you know, how do we stop it is such a complex question that I think deserves like complex solutions. And while maybe I used to think that the solution was like one thing, like running assault weapons. I now actually think that it's a multifaceted approach that we need to take. A combination of like, you know, paying attention to people's mental health, 100 % making it harder to get guns in this country. And it's so easy. The perpetrator in who killed my dad and nine other people, he had a lot of, a lot of weaponry. Uh, one gun he bought from grabagun.com. He didn't use that one. He ended up using one that he bought legally. This other gun that he bought legally from a gun shop near his family's restaurant. But 100%, I look at the gun laws and I think what's really sad is that most Americans agree that we need stricter gun laws, but that is not reflected in federal policy. You're right. Well, like we definitely need to start there. And, you know, we used to have an assault weapons ban. So how do we get back to that? I also really think about, you know, again, the perpetrator in my case that there were signs and it just like, don't want to put it on teachers. They already way too much, but like, it's so much harder to love the bully. Right. And those are actually the people that we need to kind of focus on and love a little bit more. And I said this in my victim impact statement. And I thought at the very night of the shooting when I was lying in bed. that what I wanted to tell this young man, he was 21, that I wished he'd received more love in his life because then maybe none of this would happen. And so as simple as it seems and sounds, I think if we can get to a place of like love and like loving each other, that that will set us on a way better path. I mean, it's just, there's so much violence right now. There is so much chaos. It's such a scary place. How do we find our human connection again? How do we realize that actually everyone on planet Earth needs to be on the same side? all the same species. all like, we're all going through things. It's interesting, we were we were just talking as a team for a crime and trauma scene cleaning side of the business. We were talking about how could we potentially get certified and help others with its, its mental health, kind of like advocacy training, where it's a training that you can take where you can understand and identify signs when someone's having a mental health crisis. You're not a counselor. You're not someone that's like diagnosis, but you're someone that is trained to not only see signs and then know the right and proper steps to potentially get them help and offer help or to listen. And I think to your point, it almost makes us much more. So when you see the bully or you see the outsider or you see the person who's struggling instead of almost being fearful of, don't know what to do here. So I'm just going to walk away. Someone else will deal with this. Yeah. Actually have the confidence and the ability to be approachable and to approach with. We've got, of course. And I think that we're all perceptive to it and that we just maybe need the tools of how to do it. And we need to like, yeah, exactly, like let go of the fear and like let go of the, I don't know, maybe the selfishness of I got to protect myself in this moment uh kind of thing. But that's wonderful. I love that idea. So is that out? There's a lot of trainings. We can link to it too in the show notes and everything. There's a lot of trainings you can take online for it. And there's different organizations that have grants where they can offer it for free. And I just, think it's one of those little tools that people don't know about. I think so easy to take. It takes less than a day for some information. I think, you know, for me too, I do feel like a lot of people fall through the cracks and that's no excuse by any means for any violence that is done to anybody. but moving forward when you talk about prevention, absolutely looking at ways of, before there is even a weapon involved, before they're even able to even have some sort of ideation, how can we help someone at the very beginnings? How can we ensure that there are resources or some types of support available? Let's have a hug line. We could all use the hug. And like, there's a hard, like again, like the hardest people to hug are like those bullies, but like they're actually the ones who are craving that so much. then when they don't get the help and then, you know, this, the gun that was used, I mean, this is a powerful weapon. No one survived. There were no injuries because nobody could make it to the hospital. And I find that so sad. m And I don't want to get too much into the details, but I think that alone says it. You know, anyone who was shot had no chance of surviving. That's just awful. Well, let's flip the script because your dad sounds amazing. I've shared some stories with me about him and just how thoughtful and caring and what a wonderful father he was. Just a little bit about your dad and how people can also remember him and honor him. I love this question. Okay, so I wore this bandana for our conversation because it reminds me of my dad. I don't say this, I don't tell this story too often, but I'm gonna share it here. So at the end of high school and just going into college, I was really struggling with an eating disorder. And they got worse when I went away to college. And then when I came back after freshman year. I remember I was in my room and I was unpacking my suitcase and I like heard a knock on my door. I like opened it and it was my dad and he was holding something behind his hand, which is so cute because he used to travel a lot. He worked in hotel development and management and whenever he'd go on a trip, he'd always like bring like, even if it was like something so small, like the airline pins, he'd be like, it's just like a little something for us, my brother and me. And so I'm like, what's behind your hand or what's behind your back? And he like pulls out this book and it was like a hiking guide to Colorado's, know, tallest peaks or something. He was like, this summer, I want you and I to hike all of the tallest peaks in Boulder County. And I was kind of rolling my eyes and like, that's so dorky, cheesy. And then, also in my mindset, I was like, what a perfect way. It's just kind of keep losing weight so bad. And what ended up happening was the complete opposite. We started out on this hiking trail right behind Chautauqua. It's so beautiful. And we were hiking and, you know, I could barely do it. It was such an easy thing, but I was so weak. And then he pulled out this lunch and I remember thinking, my God, like I felt mortified because I didn't want to eat it, but I was also so hungry. And we ended up sharing this meal together and like connecting and like looking out. And it was the first of many hikes that we did. And we ended up with the 14er and over that time of just being with my dad reminded me that being strong matters more. It gave me a new perspective of like what truly matters and literally being up in these mountains. But I just think it was such an out of the box creative solution to this thing. And so that's just one of many examples of who he was. But I mean, I would wear this bandana a lot when we were hiking. uh the entire story with my husband because my nine-year-old, I'm like, one day she's going to have questions about body issues. And I just thought, how great is it? It's so hard to have a conversation, but he just physically, creatively, all of it created a way for you to experience health. Yes, Drake. We helped him. last time together and he found a way for you to get there yourself? Without someone coming in and being like, okay, here's pamphlets or here's what you need to do or we need to talk about your body. Like, for a wordifying, would that be, I just, your dad sounds incredible and so thoughtful. later found out like after he had passed that like he had kind of like consulted a couple like people to try to figure out how to help me. He was so great like he you know he showed up for me there and then as I mentioned he traveled a lot for work but he still always showed up for my soccer games and my swim meets and like I was a choir kid. All my choir concerts and he was funny and genuine and hardworking. I'm collecting all these voice memos from people that loved him, like his family and his coworkers, and like they all say the same thing, that like he was just like funny and always had this mischievous smile. And I don't know, like he made things easy, if that makes sense. He was just like light. And I really kind of miss that energy because, you know, for my family, I always say, okay, we were a family of four, so we were like a table. And then when he was killed, we were like a table with three legs trying to stand up. And... And I miss that energy. He was just really a grounding person. um Another thing I will say is that, as you know, he loved hiking and he skiing and all this stuff, but he hated litter bugs. And so every time he would go hike, he'd be like, very trashed on the ground. He would pick it up. And in one of the very first interviews I did actually with Nine News, with Kyle Clark on the week of the shooting, he asked something like, what can we do in honor of Kevin and I said like, go for a hike. As you know, now I said that the whole story and my mom said something they can pick up trash along the way. And so if anyone's listening and they want to go do that, go do that in honor of my dad. and, know, I had for the podcast, I interviewed representative Joe Nagoose and that was something that he always remembered about my dad. And he actually kind of likened that metaphor to gun violence. My dad's not out there wanting a thank you. Like, he's just doing it and the problem feels so big. But like, little things that we can do matter. There's another thing that you mentioned that people do and now I'm doing it. Because it's like a weekly thing. You go to the grocery store and you return a shopping cart. You return a shopping cart and your dad, he was out front returning a shopping cart. how, mean, you know, there are people that come and they have to grab them. That how many of us just like put it in between a parking spot or we don't even use the cart bends. And your dad, just, was returning his shopping cart. He was out. He was, paid for his groceries. Yeah. And so that's something that I've been doing because I definitely with the litter and hiking, I love that, especially being a Colorado native. have a lot of people here now. know, what is it? Leave nothing but footprints, take nothing but memories is kind of like the phrase I grew up with. And so, um, but returning your cart. yeah. So what happened just like for context and background was, you know, my dad was walking out of the store probably around like 2.25 in the afternoon and he had a shopping cart with his bags and he had gotten some coffees from the Starbucks. He like loved their coffee and he was, you know, padding to his car. And there was actually a woman walking out of the store behind him and she didn't have a shopping cart. She just had all of her items in her arms. And because this was still COVID, she was like walking like really close behind my dad. So she's told me this story. So her name's Jenny and Jenny Jacobson and she's in episode one and I love her. She's my earth angel. But anyway, she says that, she said that my dad like looked back and was like, you know, what's going on? And then she was like, God, I gotta slow down. In this guy's like bubble or whatever. And then they go and they're literally parked right next to each other. So she's like, my God, he's thinks I'm like following him at this point. And then they're like putting their bags in it. At some point my dad hits a button on his car and it is the automatic closer. And she said something to the effect of like, ooh, fancy. She had like a, just like a manual closing. And that made my dad just laugh, of course, because that's who he was and look up at the sky and. And that was this simple, funny exchange. And then Jenny got into her car, and my dad went to go return his shopping cart. And then the gunshots rang out at 229. And so he tried to run. He ran far, and he tried to live, and he fought for his life. But he really didn't have anywhere to go in the parking lot. And all that to say, it was so hard when we finally got his car back. because the groceries were still in the trunk. And it just felt like he was so close from getting out there, getting out of there. And also it was like, man, if he had just been a bad Samaritan. Sheldon just broke the rules. Like he never would. so I, in my PTSD really struggled with not only grocery shopping, but particularly that feeling like I'm out and I'm vulnerable in a parking lot. and, and I really struggled with like returning my shopping cart. And all of that shifted one day was like the second father's day. And it was a couple of days leading up to Father's Day. And I was feeling so sad. And I remember I was crying in my car. And I had to go grocery shopping, of all things. And I was in the parking lot and staring at my cart thinking, I can't do this right now. And all of a sudden, they heard this man call out. And I'm like, I look back and he goes, do you want me to return your shopping cart for you? I'm returning mine. And he was about my dad's age. And I was like, oh my god. I feel like my dad was like tapping him on the shoulder. Help! She's freaking out. And I, you know, again, like have learned to accept help. And I was like, thank you. And I think I said, you have no idea how much this means to me right now. And over time, like I've learned that I'm still going to return my shopping cart and be a good person and not let the fear of this stop me from like, you know. Finding the **** and being the good. I mean, it's such a simple thing, but like, kind of feels like there are two people in this world, like, the people who return their shopping cart in the game. I will say after having like little babies and I was transferring them, I wouldn't return the shopping cart and like that I think is like totally- no, that- hard. Wow. can't leave. You know, at the end of a lot of these shootings, everyone's question is what happened? Why? What did we do to prevent this from moving forward? And she actually used the term senseless in her statement. How have you found the hope, the joy? How have you overcome grief through all of this in the last four years? And what are some of... I guess what are, what's some advice that you can give to people who may be going through some really deep grief right now, but then also for people who are looking to help somebody. Yeah. Yeah. And, and just something you said reminded me that when I was like reading the news or trying to figure out what was happening in those first 24 hours, it really bothered me because so many people on that Twitter were like, what's the motive or like, that's like the first question that reporters ask. And rightly so of course, but from my position and where I was, I was like, the motive does not matter. Right. Like where's my dad? Is he alive? Like, can we focus on those people first, on the victims first? And, that really bothered me. It still kind of bothers me, but I also can put on my journalistic hat and be like, okay, yes, obviously knowing the motive matters, but maybe it doesn't matter to know so quickly. maybe we should be focusing on, you know, how many of the answers right away anyway, like they want to answer it for the public's interest. don't so much investigation, Tara, and it's going to be needed years before you may even know why. So to ask it right away, it's actually like a false question in lot of ways. you don't know. You're not going to know right away. Like maybe if they left like a note or something? Yeah, or a Mayhem Festival, whatever that looks like. like the police aren't going to come out without information until they've like verified in fact checked that themselves. So I don't know, maybe that is something that we could talk more about in the journalism world. Like what are the questions that matter first to ask? then, and then what are the questions that come in time? So this, this was truly senseless. they, the investigators, I mean, they worked tirelessly, the FBI worked tirelessly to try to figure out like why this King Super's. There is no nothing. He had made a list of like big box stores and kind of some like, think like bars in Boulder where people are. So it was felt like really random in that sense, like the time, the location, everything. And so they could never find out and he didn't, he didn't say anything. He didn't speak that much. So. I think that was hard and for years I wanted answers. Why did he do this and why did this happen to us and me and my family and our community? And as it became clear, we weren't going to get those answers. I had to learn acceptance and accepting something like that is really challenging. And I think that anyone who feels a loved one, to, know, whatever it may be, a car accident, cancer, acceptance is really hard. But I will tell you that from where I am now, maybe knowing why wouldn't even matter. And like, we can't change the past, but we can live in the moment. And we have agency to live a good future. And... Healing takes time, of course, and it does take work and grief demands to be seen and addressed. I just really brushed all my feelings under the rug for a long time because my daughter was born like three months after this and it just spilled out sideways. You know, I think that it's really scary to like think about going to therapy and like facing all of these things, but you can't go around grief. You have to go through it. It's like that children's book, like we're going on a bear hunt. know, it's something the message is like, you've got to go through it, essentially. and the family's hike. Like, there's a river, there's a field, there's a cave, and then there's a scary bear at the end, and then you all run and you make it. Yeah. So you have to just, you have to face it, right? And you have to go through it. And going through it does not mean like faking it and putting on a smile and trying to be happy. Going through it means like accepting that you are going to feel terrible and bad and sad and mad and all of these things. And like to feel those is I think so necessary. I think one of the scarier feelings is like numbness. You know, when you get to a place of numbness, it means, you know, you can't feel the lows of life, then you can't feel the highs. And um for me, losing a parent and becoming a parent at the same time, you know, navigating grief and joy at the same time was really difficult. But my therapist said something so simple. She said, you know, two things can be true at once. you can feel happy and sad at the same time. You can still like love your life and feel really sad and mad that this happened, about your loved one is not here anymore. But yeah, it's so simple, but it's also so like meaningful and helpful. And in all that to say, the one thing that has truly kept me going all of these years later, is something my mom kind of started to say on the first day. She said, if dad is gone, we will figure out how to carry on because that's what dad will want us to do. And whenever I'm feeling hopeless, I think about my dad and I think, what does dad want you to do? Dad wants you to live. You are here now. You are stronger than you think and keep going, keep finding joy. Even if it's like one little tiny thing you do in one day, like do it. So that's my advice. Think about your lost loved one and think about what they want for you. And I bet the answer is they want you to be happy. Can you leave space for him in your life and talk about him in the present tense? He has a seat at your dining table. still, symbolically, is that the right way to say it? Make room for him? In your life and in- Yeah, I think so. mean, it's like, you know, he's not physically here, right? So there's like that loss. Like there is not a day that goes by where I'm playing with my kids in the backyard thinking, God, I wish my dad was here to see them right now. Of course. But there are still ways to stay connected to our loved one on the other side. And that is through talking about them. That is through things like listening to their music that they loved, cooking their favorite meal. And we still make sure that he has a place at our dining room table. My last choir concert that we performed in this spring, um my mom and my husband came. And I was up on stage. I was really thinking a lot about my dad and just kind of wishing he was there hearing me sing now all these years later. And afterwards, I met up with my mom and my husband and my mom. said, we left an empty seat in between us so dad could watch you too. And I love that so much. um So yeah, he can make space for that. And it's not always easy in the beginning. It takes time. But he's still my dad. He's still Grandpa Mahoney. And nothing can take that away. That's incredible. And what does that mean to you to carry on his memory and legacy for your daughter and making sure she knows who he is? I mean, it's like, no one prepares you. You have to tell your kids about this. So, and my kids are little. You know, my daughter's four now and my son is two. And I can talk, you know, more with my daughter about Grandpa Mahoney. And, you know, I feel like she's really connected to him because, you know, she was, she was in me with his husband. You know, I was growing her and there was like a passing, right? Like of a death and like a birth all the same time. And so. We still talk about Grandpa Mahoney all the time. And when we moved back to Boulder, about almost two years ago, she requested to have a picture of him in her bedroom. And I love that. And so that's a little thing you can do is like put a picture of your loved one in your kid's room. like, you know, she has one grandpa here on earth and she has an angel grandpa. And we talk about him and I say, you know, he's in your heart. And if you're ever scared, you can call on him for help. So, you know, as the years go on, I'm sure we'll talk more about it and I'll figure it out then. But for now, that's what we're doing. oh doing amazing. You're keeping him around and he's in spirit and he's looking out. Yes, he's looking out. So you launched the podcast earlier this year, but I assume this idea has been around for a little bit longer than that. How did you come up with the idea of taking your journalism skills and wanting to share and explore this ripple effect of one day? Yeah, yeah, well, it was a journey. I think that if I was like to pinpoint back to like kind of where like the catalyst began was my therapist had me write letters to my dad. And because like I said, I kind of brushed my feelings under the rug and became numb and extremely depressed to the point where I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't cry. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. air. It was like I had shed so many tears afterwards, there was like nothing left. And she was like, I want you to write a letter to your dad. And I remember sitting down at my computer and being like, my God, I can't do this because I can only write a nice story. I your AP style book next to you. Yeah. So it took me a minute to break out of that. And then I started writing and it just was like flowing. And it was like, I was crying so hard and it felt so cathartic and so healing. And I was like, my God, she helped me cry and she helped me do this. And it was the start of many letters to on Father's Day, big life moments, quiet moments of just missing him. And I loved that. And I can kind of hear him talking back to me because I know what he would say to some of these things. And I can still ask him for questions or life advice because I know what he would say. all of that became the thing of how do I creatively express my grief? And when we came back to Boulder, I was at a remembrance ceremony on the anniversary. And I was sitting there. watching all these people get up on stage and speak about their loved one and thinking, oh my God, there's these incredible stories happening all around me. And I felt like prepared in a way to be the one to tell them. You know, I had spent the past decade working as a journalist and I had the skills and I wanted to do this for me and to give a voice to my dad, but also to share all of these other stories of of people affected by the same tragedy, but maybe in a different way. And then the fourth entity that I wanted to do it for is for people going through a hard time. And I felt like there wasn't really a roadmap for this particular incident. And so I wanted to share mine. And so it was really strange because when you work for NPR, they'll pay you to go do the story, obviously, right? That's how this works, right? It's like, you're taking a risk, you're investing in yourself. So I remember going to Best Buy and I got like a recorder and stuff. I was like, oh, because it's like normally it would be like equipment provided. And then I went and, and I was really proud of myself for just like taking that first step. my first interview was with a young woman named Olivia McKenzie and her mom was killed in the shooting and we've become close ever since just having both lost parents. And I met her on this hillside overlooking Boulder. And we talked for like two hours. She, you know, that moment lit a fire under me to keep going. I had to tell this story, Olivia's story, just so strangely beautiful. And I felt like people needed to hear it. And I kept going and I got all these interviews. went to the hospital. I went to the Boulder museum where all of these things from the makeshift memorial were archived. I talked. to employees who survived. I talked to shoppers who survived, all the attorneys. Like I went through the trial. The trial episode just came out. And then I was sitting on all this sound and tape and then, goodness, my editor who hired me at the NPR station in California kind of emailed me and said, know, what are you up to? Do you need help? And I was like, yes, I do. It'll And there was a lot of challenges in just getting through. she, when she kind of entered the picture, I felt really like, could kind of see for the first time an end product. So I kept going and, and then got connected with Lemonade Media and I felt so held and seen by them. Yeah, here we are. So it has not been easy. I'm not going to lie. And there's been moments where I was like, this is too hard and I'm going to give up. but I'd always wake up the next morning and be like, you're not. You come too far. You can't go back now. You had a good feeling. had a trajectory. You did a ton of research, a ton of work. is paying off in a sense of people are hearing your story and you have such incredible engagement online and such a lovely following of people that deeply care about you and your story. Well, you know, we've kind of like, you know, pointed this out in our conversation. You know, we talked before this and something you said really helped me in my journey of all of this, like evolving and whatnot. Just helping me recognize, like, people are listening, people are showing up and, you know, maybe it's like a small but mighty community at this point. But I like left that conversation and was like, oh my gosh, I need to like, show so much gratitude for the people who are listening and like, and like that this is resonating with them. And I did like a whole thank you post because it's true. And I think sometimes we can get caught up in like, what's next and who else do I need to reach? And like, and get lost in that. And you just helped me really be like, oh, you, felt like at peace. was really, what you said was like really great for me to hear and to know like. you know, slow down, pause. Like sometimes we kind of maybe know internally where it's going and we want to get there faster. But yeah, live in the moment. I only could say that because I struggle with the same thing. So I just, I am a forever fan. I know I will be following and engaged and Twice versa. And you know what else I did after I was, yeah, was after our call. I wanted to take a moment and be like, here are all of the things that I've learned so far this year. And at the very top of the list, was like, be a cheerleader for other people because I know how much work goes into this. yeah. just how can we all like, I think it kind of circles all back to like love and supporting each other and letting go of those kind of icky things like competitiveness and comparing and like, why? You know, there's for everybody, everybody's opinions and we're not all the same so we should champion each other. love that. Yes. So where can people follow you? Where can people stay tuned to find out more and um also listen obviously to the podcast? Okay. So my Instagram is Aerie, E-R-I underscore Mahoney, M-A-H-O-N-E-Y. And my dog called me Aerie. And so that's like my nickname that I love and my mom did too. And then in terms of the podcast, it's like available at all major streaming, Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music. And pretty much if you just want to go into Google and type in senseless with Erica Mahoney. my God. It'll show up. I've done it. It'll show up. Also, I just figured out how to do like type in your comments, type this word, and then now it's like sending people directly the link. So you can just go into like any post and type the word senseless and I'll send you the link. So yeah, it's been a learning curve, like stepping into all of this and, and it's exciting. And I appreciate you for having me on and all the work that you're doing and really meaningful stories just in the same vein of like talking about hard things out loud and helping one another. So thanks for everything you do. to be able to do it. Right? I'm grateful to be able to do it and thank you so much for joining us and it's been a pleasure Erica. It's so good!