Unlocking Pleasure: A Journey to Deeper Intimacy in Your Relationship Episode 54

In this episode, Elana Auerbach, author of The Sure Thing, shares her transformative journey into intimacy, pleasure, and self-discovery, offering practical tools like the ' Sure Thing' practice to enhance connection and well-being, especially during midlife transitions.

Here is where you can find more from Elana, her book and her Summer Love course.  https://surethingexperiment.com/the-love-experiment/

You can also find Elana on Instagram and Facebook

https://www.instagram.com/elana.auerbach/.   https://www.facebook.com/elana.auerbach

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Transcript

0:13

Hello and welcome to Not Your Mother's Midlife Crisis. I'm Chris here with my girl, Chris. Hello, Chris. How are you doing? I'm doing really well today. How about you? Welcome back. I've missed you since you were away this weekend. Had a nice weekend in Massachusetts. With your girls. Yep. With the girls. It was a good time. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, it's good to be with you today. Thank you. Good to be with you. And as we talked about last week, we have an amazing guest who we're really looking forward to getting to the conversation, and we're so excited to have her. But first, we want to make sure that we can bring to your attention about one of our former guests, Dr. Mora Pluccino. She was our favorite pelvic floor PT, um, gave us a lot of great information, and she's also a dear friend and local business owner. Unfortunately, we have some news that we'd like to share in case you're not already aware of it. Yes, Mora suffered a postpartum stroke, and her journey to recovery has been pretty crazy. Many of you follow her or her practice, practically perfect, on Facebook or Instagram. So you may have already seen the GoFundMe page, but there is a GoFundMe. If you'd like to contribute, you can either go to her Facebook page or just go to gofundme.com and search Maura Placcino. We'll also have that info in our show notes and we send prayers to Maura, her family, especially her new baby, for a speedy recovery and a full recovery. But now to introduce our guest today, we are very excited to have Ilana Auerbach. Ilana was on what she referred to the conveyor belt of life, which I think can relate to. She graduated college, she worked on Wall Street and got married. When that path didn't work for her, she found another one. And Elena first founded Sensual, a woman's journey into sensuality, which was a program supporting women to fall in love with themselves. Hello, amen. She also became an ordained priestess and certified teacher at the sanctuary of 13 Moon Mystery School. Wow, that's a lot. And then Ilana's a worth of knowledge and experience helping guide people deeper into their bodies and their pleasure. Her debut book, The Sure Thing, comes from her own personal experiences. And I have a quote from a review that I'd like to read. Ilana's words and practices invite women to soften the old patterns and shame and striving that often keeps us from truly feeling at home in our own bodies. This book is a reclamation of the feminine, a love letter to every woman who's ready to live fully, freely, and without apology. Ilana, welcome to Not Your Mother's Midlife Crisis. What a delight to be here with both of you. Ilana, this is so, I feel like just so relevant. And just, I mean, I just cannot wait to get into this with you, especially, you know, many women, no matter where they are in that part of their life, but especially those and our listeners that are in that perimenopause, menopause stage, they're balancing everything. Life. Life. And a lot of things, your body's changing, how you feel about your body or how your self is changing, maybe that loss of confidence, you're just exhausted. Um, so I just feel like this is so, this is just such a great topic. And I'm just so excited. Sometimes you're just not feeling sensual, or you and your partner have just distanced yourself from each other in a way that's really hard and you feel uncomfortable pulling yourself back to that, you know, where that beginning passion was. Yeah, or and the same thing, or maybe you feel embarrassed to talk about it, embarrassed to address these things. So we're very excited. And is there anything that we didn't tell our listeners about you that you would like to add or share? What I'd like to share is that I am just like all of your listeners, of course, just like both of you, where I also had, I think as we, you know, age, not only are there lots of changes, but there's expanding responsibilities for those of us who have children, right? And, you know, all kinds of things. And now with the world as it is, it's just like pile it on. So I my spouse and I, after we had our kid, we struggled for 12 years. So that that's like a big thing that, yes, and I, I, you know, was guiding women, guiding people into, you know, being more embodied in their hearts, in their, you know, voices, in their passions. And still I had a over a decade struggle with difference in desire and this our sensual and intimate connection just going to the way bottom of the to-do list. And it was a to-do, right? Yes. So we tried everything and nothing worked. And then I had this inspiration of having a weekly practice. And however, it took me almost two years to invite him into the practice because there was so much built-up gunk between us. Because what happens is, you know, even what what I know is that all couples have a difference in desire. One person is generally has higher desire, the other person generally has lower desire, all within the realm of what is normal with regard to sexual appetite, right? It's all totally normal. So what happens is the person often with a higher desire will make approaches, get rejected, and then sometimes the person with lower desire will approach, but the person with higher desire will feel miffed or abandoned or rejected from past rejections. And then, no, I'm not. So you get caught, and we were caught in this self-fulfilling cycle of distance and and just this wall that came up between us. And so even though I had had this idea with a friend of mine of having a weekly sure thing, I didn't ask him until I committed to another friend that I would ask him before the winter solstice back in 2020. And so I did, after we did, we made love, our kid had a, he was young at the time. He was younger, of course, and uh he was, I think about seven, eight, nine, had a drum lesson on Saturday mornings, and that was our time. So he had a drum lesson. I invited my spouse into the bedroom and we made love. And afterwards I said, hey babes, how would you like to have a practice of deepening in intimacy, pleasure, and connection together? He's like, sugar, that sounds great. It's not about having sex, right? I mean, it was so simple. Even though I had all this trepidation of inviting him into this practice, and then I had no idea. Like this was just something I made up. What happened was miraculous and continues to be miraculous because we still five and a half years later have this weekly practice. And what then became just a rhythm of intimacy. It's like, okay, now's our time. Our kid had a drum lesson for many months after that. And so that was our time. That's when we knew we would we would have our alone time. And it wasn't about, okay, now I gotta get ready to have sex, or now, okay, I've got to like force myself to orgasm and go over the edge, or no. Our the thing about the sure thing is it's a completely personalizable practice. And you start with what is your sensual intention? What is your intention for your couple? What do you all want? And the the thing about it is each person in the couple can have their own intention. You don't even have to align on the same intention. Yeah. It's so you have your intention and then you have your time, and then you just put away the devices and turn towards each other. And that's really the commitment. The commitment is to practice intimacy together. And that's what I learned. It's like nobody tells us to practice intimacy. We just think it's going to, you know, at first, at the beginning, it was so easy. We had so much lust, there was passion, we had all this time, we had all these romantic outings. And so we just think that it's supposed to happen like that. It's supposed to come back like that. However, with every other area of our life, if you want to get better at something, what do you do? You practice. Yeah, you work at it, yeah. Yeah. Right. And very interesting. Right. And then once you get good at something, like let's say you you've met your you've met your fitness goals, it's not like then you're like, okay, I'm going off the yoga mat or I'm never going to the gym again. No, you continue. Right. You keep practicing. You continue practicing. And so that's what I found is the same thing with intimacy. Makes sense. That really honestly makes a lot of sense. So I have to ask, do the sound of drums now, is it kind of like something personal between you and your partner? You're like, oh, I hear the drums playing. Let's go. Let's go. Well, it turns out he he now he now plays the saxophone. So yeah, exactly. So yes, similar. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. So what inspired you to write the sure thing? Yeah. That it about six months after this practice. And I'm telling you, every time we would have our sure thing, we'd high five or fist bump or be like, oh, this is so miraculous, because we had all those years of struggle. And I had like bitchiness and contraction and tightness and distance and feeling bad and feeling like I was missing out, you know, just the whole gamut. And here we have this just simple practice that just brought us back together, even better than the beginning. Like, really. I mean, the R really, the intimacy and the closeness is just, and the sex. So we can get there. And so, so it's about six months or so into us having this weekly practice. And I get up and we're like, wow, this is amazing. And then it, I had the thought, I'm like, I can't keep this to myself. I've got to share it with other people. I know we're not the only ones who struggled with this. And so that's when it began about five years ago, the journey to writing the book. I love that. And it you makes you like you've reconnected. Like you, I feel like you sometimes you lose that connection in a relationship. And by doing your sure thing, it it reconnected and it ignited a lot more than than just that. So, what does the title, the sure thing, mean to you? The sure thing, so it means it means the obvious, like, who doesn't want a sure thing, right? I mean, you're gonna get a sure thing of fulfillment because that's really the the practice, it only requires two things, which is a regular practice, and I recommend weekly. Certainly you could do daily, you could do multiple times a week, but I a minimum weekly, and a uh a clear intention. So, what is it that you want? What is it that you want to that will fulfill you personally in your relationship, in your body? And so that's the sure thing. You're gonna fulfill that intention. You're gonna have a sure thing. And it's also an acronym. So it's it means it stands for the Shabbat Unification Ritual. So it's I am a practicing Jew and I was with another Jewish priestess, and she was single at the time, and she was wanting a Shabbat consort to just explore sacred sexuality. And because I learned when I was a teenager, turns out Judaism is a very pleasure positive tradition. And so if you have sex on Shabbat, then you get a double mitzvah, which means two good deeds, good karma points, you're building up karma points, and we're like, yeah. And she's so she's talking about having this, she wants to get her double mitzvah with her Shabbat consort. And I'm like, damn, girl, I want that too. And then it dawned on me, it's like, it's a sure thing, a Shabbat unification. You know, we're coming together either with ourselves, because you can practice solo, or with your, you know, beloved, unifying. And it's a ritual. It's something that we do that takes us out of the mundane of the daily world into a sacred space that we do regularly. And so that's that's what the sure thing means. Like, yeah. And can you share with us how has it changed your relationship then? Yes. Let me count the ways. Okay. Oh, yeah. No number one, it's changed my relationship with my with my body and with my feeling good in my body. Because I I had all of this built-up energy and anger that I would often use this tone with my spouse. You know, that tone that says, you know, you're a F an idiot, but you don't really use the word, but the tone says it all, right? Which, of course, I mean, doesn't feel good when I'm using that tone. It certainly doesn't feel good to him. It's it's, you know, it just creates more distance in our relationship. So I feel like my tongue has softened. Like that part of me, who's the like the biatch who comes out because I'm just really sexually frustrated, is no longer there. I've also discovered, I talk in the book about this, this, and and this is something that I've been playing with for over 20 years, is this this concept called an inner pantheon, that inside each of us, we have all these different parts. Just like with the Greek and Roman gods, have they how they have the different gods and goddesses. Well, I say we have the same kind of inner pantheon with all the different parts of our personality and and our ego and our spiritual self, if you know, you connect with that kind of stuff. So what I discovered or reconnected with when we started our sure thing was Vivacious Viv is as I call her. So I started naming these different parts of myself because if we name them, then it's easier to get to know them, right? So Vivacious Viv started coming out when we started having our sure thing, and I recognized her from when I was in my 20s and 30s and, you know, sexual interludes, like brief love affairs. However, I didn't really embody her until in my 50s when we started the sure thing practice. And so what happened was every week I'd be looking forward, and Viv would be having all these fantasies and ideas about how she wanted to have her sure thing and make requests. And so that was really phenomenal. And she's this part of me who just really loves embodied experience. And so, since starting a sure thing, I've started training in Aikido, which I just love. And I learned how to ski and so all of these things, and I've never been an athlete or anything, but I love these embodied activities. And so that's how it's changed, you know, in my relationship with myself. The other thing I want to say with regard to my relationship with myself is another thing that I learned while doing this practice, and it was maybe a uh a few months into the when we were practiced, started practicing the sure thing, was this idea of being 100% responsible for my own pleasure. Because my spouse was traveling for a couple of weeks, and so we didn't have our sure thing, and I could feel that angry crankiness, tightness starting to come on again. And then it occurred, wait a second, I don't need him. I can have my own solo shirt. What am I waiting for here? So that's when I started practicing solo as well, and and encouraged, you know, if your partner's not ready, if you don't have a partner, there's nobody to wait for. No prince or princess charming, because when we take 100% responsibility, this has been totally revolutionary for me. To to cut even during our sure things, I am 100% responsible. So I have to make sure that I'm fulfilled the way I want to be fulfilled. And of course, that includes making requests and counter-offers and all kinds of things. And of course, my my spouse pleasures me and so forth. However, it's like the buck stops with me with regard to my pleasure, and I need to make sure that I'm having it. So now with to answer your question with regard to how it's changed with uh Bill and I is I just have to it's there's such a sweetness now with between us. It is uh just so precious and tender and beautiful. And a couple of years ago, he started sharing things with me that he'd never shared before. And we've been together since 2002. So we'd already been together for almost 20 years. And so he's starting to share all this stuff with me. And I'm like, babes, I love that you're sharing this. And how come now? He thought about it. It's like it's uh it's gotta be our sure thing because I just feel so close to you. And so it it is just like it's just this rhythm, that drumbeat in our relationship now that just opens new experiences for us both. It's a place where we explore and where we kinda take refuge in in our relationship, in the practice and in each other. That is it's just like it's nice. It seemed like you feel very safe to share whatever you want with your partner. And that I think that's a gift, it really is, because a lot of times people are shy or timid to share what they really want to say or they're they're afraid to say or ask. So can you tell us a little bit more about the framework for the shore thing? Absolutely. So and in the book, there it is. Yeah, it it is it is really a step-by-step guide to take you by the hand to create your own fulfilling practice. And the framework is is to set an intention. Ours is deepen in intimacy, pleasure, and connection. If you like that one, take that one. You can do we like to share. And so you set your intention. I like to create an altar for any kind of dream, wish, or vision that I'm creating in my life. So if you can create an altar or even an image that inspires you and your vision, your intention of your sure thing. Okay. If that doesn't turn you on, don't do it. That's the whole thing about the sure thing. It's it's about really following your own inner guidance and what feels good to you. No matter what anybody else is saying. Even your partner. So, right? Yeah. So and then you then, okay, if you're gonna have a solo sure or your partner, you and your partner are going to start practicing together, you schedule it. You put it in your your calendar, okay? And some people are like, oh, well, what about the spontaneity and everything? It's like, no, this is a practice. When you go to the gym, when you have a meditation practice, when you go to yoga, it's like, no, you've you have a practice, you set a time, you carve out time and space. And so that's what you have to do with this as well. You have to date commit. And it's like a date. So it's like having a date. It's having a date. And so, like when you be first started early in the relationship and you'd have a date, you know, on Saturday night or whatever, it's exciting to look look forward to, right? You start getting turned on. Yeah. Well, or you were hoping or you're fantasizing about it. Or just like, you know, you're gonna be together again, you're gonna get to kiss him, you know, whatever. So it it can you can start to feel those same things. And I have, I do feel those same things about our sure thing date. There's the anticipation that grows. So you get it in the calendar. Whether or not you have you're excited about it, doesn't matter. Then as it's coming, the time is coming up. I suggest you find things that help you to soften in your body. So, whatever it is, for me, I love soaking in hot water. So I'll often take a bath before we have our sure thing. Some people like to do movement, do yoga, meditate, go for a walk in nature, smell some beautiful flowers, whatever it is that helps you to soften. If you give yourself the time and space to do that, I encourage you to do that. So then, okay, now's the time for the sure thing. It's noon on Saturday, let's say. And okay, you've gotten out of the bath or you're ready, and you maybe you find what helps you connect with your partner. We have a sure thing playlist that, you know, finding music that really kind of gets you in your body and you know, you just kind of congruent. It's like a theme for you. It's it's definitely a theme. It's definitely a theme because, you know, the more pleasure I feel the more I'm in my body, because yes, I did spend a lot of time kind of disconnected in my disconnected D persona. That's another part of my inner pantheon, where I spent the first several decades of my life, certainly the first two, 20 years or so, mostly kind of out of my body, you know, on that conveyor belt, kind of doing everything, what what everybody else for everybody else. Right, exactly. So that's why it's like for me an ongoing practice of like, okay, what's gonna help me really feel this and be able to discern what I want, what feels good now? What's a yes, what's a no? So, and here's the the the a fundamental question that guides us often through our sure thing is what would be most pleasurable right now? And so you just turn to each other and one of you asks that question, what would be most pleasurable right now? You could give your partner a menu, I could massage your back, I could massage your feet, I could kiss your neck, I could play with your hair, or you could just leave it open and just ask and and so have that be a kind of anchor to return to asking yourself or your partner that question of what would be most pleasurable right now. And depending on what your intention is, you know, there are there are cer there are folks who have an intention to have an orgasm during their sure thing. And so then that will guide your sure thing, right? If our intention is, like I said, deepen in intimacy, pleasure, and connection. And so sometimes often we have sex and there's orgasms involved, and sometimes there's not. It's really are we fulfilled? Uh do we feel more intimate and more connected? You know, after spending 10 minutes together, or sometimes it's hours together. So it's very fluid and flexible. That is nice to know that every week or every it could be something just different. It's you're focused on what's important to you at that time or and what your partner's focused on at that time. Like you come first. That's right. Yes. Like it's it's a time it's a time in the week and the day that you and what you want comes first and the same, your partner gets the same option or opportunity. That's right. That's right. And then the final thing at the end, when you're like in the afterglow of like sharing about, you can maybe share different frames from your chirfing together, what what you liked, what was a high point for you, and then schedule your next one. So you already have it in the, you know, you're already, okay, that's our, you know, and maybe it's a rhythm that a certain time of day and certain day works for both you and your partner, or it changes. But just make sure you've got that next, you know, you got your next practice already scheduled in. Yeah. Do you find that sometimes one of you has to cancel, or do you really make sure you don't? Of course, things come up. So then you just schedule, make sure if something does come up and it's it's not see that then you you schedule it again. Then you just, you know, as soon as possible. So and if that does happen, whoever is available, I encourage you to have a solo practice to just use that time. That time's already available. So just explore with yourself and explore what it is, ask yourself that question. What would be most pleasurable right now? Hmm. Well, maybe you get out your favorite lube, or maybe you just, you know, start massaging, seeing how good you can make your arm feel with different, you know, ways to t that you touch yourself, or maybe a feather, you know, all kinds of different possibilities when we're starting to uh, you know, explore in the infinite realm of of pleasure. Yeah, so that's what I was gonna ask you was about because maybe there's some listeners um who don't have a partner, or maybe their partner isn't ready yet to commit to the week, a weekly practice. So if you could just expand a little bit on what solo sure is, because I saw that as well on your in your book. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, yes, yes. It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm just with myself, I have to say. A solo practice is it's the exact same thing. You set your intention, you know, you get clear what is it, what will be fulfilling for me. And maybe it's just exploring uh different ways I can feel pleasure in my body. Maybe it's exploring different senses. How many senses can I awaken to simultaneously? You know, maybe it's like how extended can I can I feel in the orgasmic energy? You know, how how close can I bring myself to the edge, you know, without going over the this thing called edging? You know, how how how long how how how close can how long can I hang out there? How many times can I bring myself over the edge? You know, I mean, and it's how and I I am a very sensual sexual being, and the sure thing can be about uh exploring tastes. It doesn't necessarily have to involve the genitals, it could be exploring sense. It's whatever it is that really turns you on and gives you pleasure in your body, whatever that is. And so the solo share, you set your intention, you set your time, and then you set you set your space. You can part of your solo share could be taking a bath or taking a walk or being barefoot on, you know, running through a field of wildflowers or or what whatever really feels good, right? And then you just lead yourself. What feels what what would be most pleasurable right now? Oh, well, I feel like I just want to lie back on the bed and just softly caress my breasts. You know, maybe you have I have this breast silk, which I love, which is nourishing uh salve for the breasts, you know, and just give yourself a lovely breast massage. Maybe then you you want to, you know, start to stroke your clitoris. And so you lean over and always have your lubes, whatever your favorite lubes are. I have suggestions that of what I love. But but that's that's the thing. It's like make it be pleasurable, make it be as sensuous as as you want. So you lean over. I I love also oils to anoint ourselves and put put different essential oils, different scents, you know. Yeah. Awaken them. Have maybe a little whatever you treat you like. You might like, you know, chocolate-covered strawberries, you might like savory treats or something. Have a little bite of that around. And then, like as you're, you know, smelling the beautiful scent of rose, maybe you take a bite of chocolate and how does that how does that feel in my body? What what is that like? You can there are mirrors. There's a lot of suggestions in the book of of different ways that you can practice, practice with with a partner or solo. And so, and those are just to get our imagination going. Because for over almost 25 years, I've been exploring the realm of pleasure and orgasm, and it's infinite. There are no boundaries as we are willing to dissolve more into our bodies and allow sensation to just overtake us. And so, one of the beautiful things about having a regular practice, especially a solo practice, is that we can then tap into that channel of pleasure whenever we want. Like really just opening that up, opening up our awareness to just right now, feeling energy that's coming down and coming up, you know, through our bodies, you know. Um the founder of Aikido Osensei would call the body the bridge between uh earth and uh sky. So, and their energies, of course, from the sky, all from all over, but certainly from from below and from above. So it's there's one other thing I wanted to say about having a sure thing, solo sure, is the the how how it it is a it is one way to really fall in unconditional, deeper unconditional acceptance and love with ourselves. Because yeah, because we're exploring, you know, and and this is the other thing I wanted to say about it, is that it it if you are in a relationship and your partner is not interested right now for whatever reason, for whatever reason, okay, start your own solo shirt. It will benefit both of you. It will benefit both of you. And don't be surprised if you start to practice and somebody comes and knocks on the door and decides, yes, maybe I am interested. Right. Well, hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't send you the I didn't send you that invite. The Outlook calendar was said solo. Yeah. That's great. Ilana, yeah. Can you tell us what was the most challenging part of about writing this book? Well, I think the most challenging part was was getting it to the next to the final kind of manuscript. I had been writing it in different versions for several years. And then last a year ago in the spring, 2025, I created an online course that would support me in completing the book. And not only did it support me in completing the book, I added things from guiding, you know, these folks, these women, it was all women, through the the book, essentially. And they each had a sh a solo share practice. A couple of them had practices with their partners as well. And so that having that structure where I had committed every week to send them a chapter and their commitment was to have a have a have a pleasure practice once a week was uh that's what resolved it. And it was a struggle before then to really Yeah. So you're that's data collection. Yes. Right, exactly. But just and and what I learned was that to not do it by ourselves, you know, so many times, you know, I know I f I'm still like this. I have to remind myself I don't have to do this by myself. It's more much more fun to do this and to have other accountability partners and to just create something like like that course that I created, but create something where it's it's not us all by ourselves. We're we're doing it with other people. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. So can you please tell us what are you working on next? Now that the sure thing is the book's published and everything, what what's your next project? Well, the book is published and it's still a process of you know getting the book out there to to the people who really could use it. So that that's that's ongoing. And I am in the process of launching because people have said, well, we want some support. It's not easy to start a new practice. It takes something and it it takes commitment, it takes devotion, and it takes effort, right? Any any new practice. So I'm starting a I'm offering a Summer of Love online eight-week course starting in a couple of weeks for people who want that structure. You know, the structure that I had to to finish the book, I want to create a similar kind of structure for to take people through the practice and creating their own personalized sure thing and being accountable for, you know, as part of a group that we're doing this together. Of course, it's all, it's, it's a very, it'll be a very safe, keep your camera off, turn your camera on, however you want, whatever's, you know, comfortable for you, share, don't share. However, it will be using the book as the guide and doing some of the exercises, some of the guided visualizations that we'll we'll do together to really support people to have a regular practice and anchor that practice so it can be sustainable and reliable for them ongoingly. Now, do you find that people will join this class as couples or individuals? Or do you get it? Both. Both are welcome. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yeah. Okay, that's that's an interesting course. And when does it start? It starts on Jan on June 18th. Okay. Starts June 18th for the summer solstice. Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll make sure that we uh put that information in our show notes. But right now, we want to invite you to join in our weekly segments. So, like you said, you were listening to a few of our episodes. Our one that we usually do is what did I learn before I forget? And it's basically because when I walk into a room, I forget why I'm there. So every time I learn something new or exciting, I jot it down so I can share it with Chris and all of our listeners. So is there anything that you've learned that you know you need you know what I learned? Yes. I I want I and for those of your listeners who are, you know, I heard it called mena stop recently. Instead of menopause, we're not it's not pausing, right? It's like our cycle is stopping. So I like the mena stop word. Anyway, so I like that too. Isn't that like mena stop? Is like what's this pause business? Yeah. So I I was doing some research the other day, and uh what I discovered, because as we you were mentioning earlier how our our bodies change, of course, our bodies change if we're giving birth after birth and sending blessings and blessings and surrounding that the that friend of yours, the doctor who you were mentioning, and and her baby and everything, just woof, yeah. And then when we're in uh paramenastop and then menastop, and it's all changing. And certainly it's changing our genitals are changing the sensitivity of and the the lubrication and all sorts of things are changing. And so what I learned is once you're in menastop, it's kind of like a use it or lose it. Now, this is what I read situation with regard to the sensitivity of the clitoris. And so I have I have been practicing more about solution, right? I just I I ordered a sex toy, which I haven't had a sex toy in years, but I ordered a new sex toy. I haven't tried it yet, just to experiment and to continue exploring. And the thing about if if I may go off on the clitoris a little bit over here. Okay, love it. Okay, because most of us, including myself, you know, just focus on that tip, the nub that's, you know, right at the top, you know, of the vulva. Four nerves, yep. Right, right. However, it's goes, it's got legs. So the clitoris is got that nub, but it's enervated with thousands of nerve endings all the way down the two legs that go in the the inner labia. And so when if you if you're inside the vagina and then around the inner labia, like exploring the the full the fullness of the clitoris. And so even if that tip that normally for me was highly, highly sensitive, it's changed a lot during paramenastop and menastop. Right. And so sometimes and and it it ebbs and flows. So for those folks who, you know, it's it's ebbed, it it will start to flow again, especially if you put some attention there. And I want to encourage people, and I have been exploring, which I never did before because I was like, okay, no, this is really satisfying and I feel good here. Well, guess what? Inside and exploring the legs of the clitoris, very sensational, very satisfying. So that's what I've been learning. You know, you're not the first person to say that use it or lose it. I believe even Dr. Moropuccino and Dr. Betsy Greenleaf both said it's you could either use it or lose it, especially with the whole genital area. So it only helps everything with your pelvic pelvic floor, yep. The same thing with your microbiome. Everything is is improved. Yeah, the more the more you use it. Right. Exactly. So I even had a a dear friend, she was going through pelvic floor PT, and that's what she was sharing with me, the fact that that's what her therapist told her, like to basically do your solo shore more often. That's part of your uh your your PT practice. Yeah. And get stuff that it inspires you if it's sex toys, if it's I want to get one of these chakra rub things, which are like dildos made out of uh gemstones. It's called chakra rubs. I know, I know, right? I know. I keep fantasizing about it. I haven't, but or your favorite lube, try different lubes, just so that you're you're you know, it's you're drawn to explore and it doesn't feel like a thing on your to-do list. It's like, no, oh, I love the way this thing feels in my hand and then and on my yoni. So, you know, or or or the lube or whatever it is, so that you're you so that you're drawn into doing it, right? Give yourself incentives. Yeah, that's funny. Okay, so now we have to move on to something, maybe since we're on like a happy pleasure topic, but this is what just pisses you off. And that could just be something that happened this week. You're just like that we usually try and share with one another. A few things I've taken a photo of to be like this is specifically on top. I have to make sure I tell Chris about it. Mm-hmm. So much stuff pisses me off. I know. We have no idea. It's like so much. Do you have anyone? I have in my inner pantheon, I call her righteous Rita. So she's get she gets pissed, she gets enraged. She's enraged about many, many things. However, I'll just tell you one thing that pisses me off is technology that does not work. I have just a really hard time with thankfully, I have my spouse is very technologically inclined. So, but and I struggle with it, and it just pisses me off. And I can't believe that I'm just spending all this time doing this and accomplished nothing and still can't figure it out. And frustrating. It's frustrating. And then it makes us feel like, you know, we can't do it, but you know, that younger generation can. They just walk over and exactly tapping. No, that's true. That's right. My son does do that. Yeah, my son does do that. On a more kind of this is a thing that I've gotten ri really clear on recently, but as far as like what really pisses me off is greed. Greed, the greed in our world, right? I mean, come on. When is enough enough? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Now we're talking about material wealth, right? Love is so much more valuable. You know, like love and people and friendships are so much more valuable than things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really and so I don't know. This accumulation, this like race to accumulate more and more as a billionaire. I mean, come on. Yeah. Let's redistribute. I'm all about the redistribution, you know, of resources. We I mean, let's create the garden that we are here to enjoy on our beautiful planet together. Yeah. Yes. That's a good one. That is a good one. All right. What would be a letter to your younger self? Yeah. I think it would be to trust myself. To really trust that I know what feels right. You know, I I there's been many in my young adulthood, and my body was telling me one thing, trust your body. I think that's would be even clearer. Trust your body. So if my body, if like there's an explosion going on in my belly, like a volcano feeling, pause. Don't just say yes and disregard that. Like sit with that. Listen. What is my body trying to tell me? I think it's trying to say this isn't for me. Yeah, that's what it means. Yes. The the answer to that question is no. So really, you know, slow down, listen and trust my body. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. That's good advice. Yeah, that's great advice. Yeah. So this is always my favorite segment, is what would be we call it 50 shades of health or beauty. So something that you would like to recommend, whether you're something you've tried, whether it's your like go-to health or beauty item regimen. Mm-hmm. Okay, well, clearly I've already talked about having a regular sensual practice with yourself. So I'll I'll think of something else. So you talked about, okay, so here you talked about what so you can share with us what's your favorite lube. You said you have a favorite. Yes. Great. Oh, I love, see, I love a little keep the ball in the air. Thanks for that little toss back there, Chris. Yes. Yes, yes. I so the Garden of Eden Apothecary, this wonderful, wise woman named Eden, who I was fortunate enough to meet about 25 years ago, makes her own wildcrafted salves and lubes. And she makes the breast silk and the yoni flower butter. And so you can find her on, you know, Garden of Eden Apothecary online. And it's just delicious. It's edible, it's all organic. It says, you know, it nourishes the delicate folds of the yoni. You know, it's she uses, she uses all these herbs and for all of her salves that are, you know, beneficial to whatever, whatever part of the body they're to be used for. So yeah. That that use it using salve and you and finding oils that really feel good, make you feel good. I mean, yes, make you also look radiant and make you feel really good like when you put them on. That's what I love. Okay, nice. More good advice. We love that. So wow. Well, that brings us to the end. So we cannot thank you enough for joining us and introducing and sharing the sure thing with us. We really appreciate that. And where can our listeners find you? You can find me at sure thingexperiment.com if you want to, you know, put in your email address and then you'll hear about all the different things that I'm offering. You can also find me on Instagram and Facebook at Elana Auerbach. And you can get the Sure Thing book wherever you like to get your books. So you can find it at yes, yes, you can find it online at Amazon and and other places. Yeah. Okay. And we'll be sure to include all that information in our show notes as well. And you have information then about your course, your summer course? Yes, yes, the summer of love starting on June 18th. And so we will we meet for 75 minutes over Zoom once a week on Thursdays, and it's recorded. So if you're not there a few hours later, you'll get it in your inbox. And it is really going to be just a beautiful container to support those who want to really a regular pleasure practice to really fuel them, their own self and their life. Because what I found is that the more pleasure, you know, many of us think of pleasure as a luxury. In fact, it's essential to really keep us in our bodies, opening our hearts, opening our energy, taking, take tending to our health and fueling the other areas of our lives. And the more, you know, pleasure we cultivate, this is what I found in myself and with many clients, the more that we have for ourselves in our relationships, the more love we're bringing to our families and the more we're bringing it into the world. And if we can bring more love and more pleasure into the world right now, I think that is really of benefit to everybody. So that's what this course is all about. Yes. Yes, absolutely. Thank you, Ilana. And we have to thank our sponsors, the Pelvic Floor Store, which would be great to visit, especially if you're going to start your short thing or solo shore. Um, and then underoutfit.com. And you should really check them out. And like I said, I think the pelvic floor store is quite relevant. You and the pelvic floor store would be like best friends. And that's uh Dr. Betsy Greenleaf. So uh please share, like, download, subscribe to this podcast, follow us on our socials, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. And our merch. And yeah, please check out check out our merch. All of this information will be in our show notes. So until next week, where we continue to seek answers for women's health care and support one another. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.