Avoidant Attachment Style

What is avoidant attachment? Avoidant attachment is an attachment style that develops during early childhood. It tends to occur in children who do not experience sensitive responses to their needs or distress. Children with an avoidant attachment style may become very independent, both physically and emotionally.

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello everyone, welcome to the Said in Therapy Podcast. Have you ever considered going to therapy and you ended up not going? My question is why? In my humble opinion, I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. In fact, I believe everybody should go at least once in their life. My name is Iman Tohami, and I'm a psychologist. This podcast tells you all about everyday cases with everyday people who have everyday problems and difficulties, and sometimes they carry around really deep wounds. These are their stories. It's not about the editing, it's not about recording. It's more about the fact that I really want to find sponsors to improve this podcast and to bring in, you know, maybe someone who can edit for me so I can actually release more and more episodes. The issue that I have is I really don't want to work with sponsors that have products that I don't believe in. And I've been really struggling with that part because at some point people just told me, you know what, just agree to um sponsors who maybe you don't necessarily believe in, but yeah, they bring in the cash that you need to actually improve this platform and to improve the podcast. I am very undecided to be honest, but I started to remember why I started this podcast, and I really, really want to go back to that because I enjoyed giving the information that I know so many people need. So yeah, this is how I want to explain the absence of the last few months. I know I have been always saying weekly and yeah, soon, and then something happens and I end up not uploading. So for 2022, happy new year, by the way. I really want to continue to focus on recording and releasing more episodes because this is where my heart is is at at the moment, and I believe it's fun, you know. I want to finish the attachment style episode, episodes, and then we're gonna discuss a lot more fun stuff. And I have invited so many great people to record with me, so just stay tuned. This is what I wanted to tell you. Just a um quick and sweet heads up to explain where I've been and everything. So yeah, let's just start and enjoy so today we are going to discuss the avoidant attachment style. So, what does it mean? As any other attachment style, it develops in childhood, and you can also see early on how kids develop and how it actually starts impacting them in a way that shows how the relationship with the parents or the caretakers is going to be formed in the future. So, an attachment style, we have discussed this before, is a pattern of behaviors um a person shows in response to relationships and bonds. So when you have a secure attachment style, you're more likely to open up to people, trust people, and have a healthy relationship. But what happens is when the attachment gets distorted early on because you don't have very responsive caretakers, for example, it starts showing in relationships in the future or when you're an adult because attachment styles are formed early on, and it's very hard to get out of it unless you really focus on what happened in your childhood and how you want to fix it. So you basically have to time travel, if you will, to find out what happened to you when you were younger and how the relationship with your parents was formed when you were younger. So it's sort of this puzzle that you have to put together in order to understand yourself. So, as I said, we are going to discuss the avoidant attachment style this time. And the interesting part about avoidant attachment style is basically that children may seem like they are very independent and that they are emotionally and physically not really dependent on anyone. So there are many children out there that when you see them, you say, Oh my god, they're actually not that clingy, they are not difficult to deal with, and basically all they do is be by themselves and play by themselves. This can be a problem, even though outwardly, um, you know, from the outside we might feel that children look like little adults, and it might be perceived as something pleasant for the child itself. It's not good. What is it exactly? The avoidant or insecure avoidant attachment style develops in children who do not experience a lot of sensitive responses from a parent or a caretaker, especially when they're crying, especially when they're when they are in distress. And it can start very early on, you know, when back in the day, because this attachment style is um it's it's more in the older generations. I don't want to say that it doesn't exist anymore because it truly does. And in reality, it's something that I can even see in the day-to-day practice. But especially in the older generation where parents were basically very busy, maybe they had many children, or generally speaking, the way babies were raised was basically let them cry. It's good for them, it's good for their lungs. But you know, when babies cry, it's their only way to communicate. And at some point, when they stop crying, what happens is they learn very quickly when I cry, no one, no one comes. So I will not even voice that I'm hungry, I will not voice, that I need a change of diaper. This is something that can happen very early to babies, and because they are so reliant on a caretaker to basically take care of them, when the caretaker is not taking care of them when they need it, they stop asking for it. And this is why it looks like, again, it only looks like those people are super independent. Infants and children generally need to form a close bond with the parents or caretakers. When they are repeatedly rejected of attempts to form the secure attachment, this may result in the child to learn to suppress their desires and to actually, you know, behave in a way so that other people can feel comfort and that they are not upset. Or, you know, in a way, this is how you become a people pleaser. The parent or the caretaker of a child who has an avoidant attachment style, you know, often have a lack of knowledge to or on how to support their own child, a lack of empathy sometimes because they are so overwhelmed with their own life or parenthood. And sometimes they feel overwhelmed by parenting responsibilities. This is, by the way, a real thing. And I don't want to undermine that because not all parents who are unwilling or unable to respond to their children do so because they are evil or do so because they couldn't they don't care. Sometimes they're so overwhelmed with the responsibilities that they lose the ability to actually take care of the child in a way that they know, okay, I can rely on my parent. But also, parents sometimes have not developed a sense of commitment themselves because of their own upbringing. So it's very hard for them to bring this sense of commitment and attachment to their own children. So it's basically a sort of it's a case of his repeating itself. Children with avoidant attachment may also disconnect from their own needs and feelings. So, you know, when people are really unaware of what they're actually feeling, it is because they have never entertained their feelings, they have never dealt with their emotions, they have never given themselves the room to actually recognize, okay, I'm feeling this. So I need to do that to feel better about myself, for example, or feel better about a situation. They basically just suppress the whole thing and say, This is stupid, I will not look at this. Obviously, this is not a rational thought that you use if you are someone who um struggles or has an avoidant avoidant attachment style. You don't tell yourself, you know, just move on. Obviously, there are people, and I know that who actually talk to themselves that way, but in that sense, there's also so many people who don't know that. They just move on because it's not giving them a lot of comfort to look at their negative emotions and actually find ways to make themselves feel better in a healthy way. Children with avoidant attachment style learn to self-toose and feel as though they can only rely on themselves. So later on in life, it becomes very hard for them to actually trust someone else, to actually open up to someone else. As a result, they have very little motivation to seek someone or seek someone for help, or actually open up to friends and form you know the relationships that they need to feel that they are in a community. So believe it or not, many of these people are actually quite successful in their life on a profile level. You might see them um in very high positions, but also you know, not trusting anyone to the extent that they basically wait for something to go wrong at any moment in time. So, how does an avoidant adult behave in relationships for adults? It's a little bit tricky because social interaction and bonds remain only on the surface, but they still have relationships. So they can still enter relationships, but also avoid connection. In order to be in a relationship that is meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become somehow deep, right? And that's when you would hit a wall when you're with someone who is an avoidant person. It's like you are with someone who is easy to be around with, but there is nothing that you can really discuss with them. They will not let let you know how they feel, they will not let you know how you can help them. They they tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, they start to be dismissive, they start to be start disappearing, they start coming back whenever it feels secure enough. That means that they don't have to open up to you. Maybe they show up when there are a lot of people around. This is a direct result of their upbringing. Their caretakers showed them that people cannot be relied on. So it's very hard for them to actually find the comfort to rely on someone when they're older. Whenever they they asked for emotional support, whether it's their own world, words, or behavior in the past, it was never provided or provided, but very little. They simply stop seeking and expecting from others. And it's like, you know, they found this turn-off switch and they just use it. From the outside, an adult with an avoidant um attachment style might look very confident and strong. You know, as I said, they can be very successful even. But this does not mean that this person is not suffering or making everyone around them suffer. Because if you're in a relationship with someone who has an avoid an avoidant attachment style, you will try to get closer, and whenever you do, they will pull away. Um, emotional close closeness is basically very hard to establish. But either way, not being able to build a deep, meaningful, long-lasting relationship can be very painful for them and for you. So you need to understand that they, on some level, want to be in a very solid relationship, but they don't really know how to trust someone. So, what if you have an avoidant attachment style? What can you do? If you recognize yourself as someone who is dismissive or avoidant in their attachment style or in your attachment style, what can you do? The key is to actually admit or realize that the switch that you have is actually on and that you are afraid of emotional intimacy because the the probability of disappointment is too big. It might be very challenging for you or the people around you to step into a relationship that has more depth because it requires so much effort from your side. How can you counteract to something like that? You need to start paying attention to the emotional and physical sensations that come up, especially when emotional intimacy is required. Self-reflect reflection is a very strong tool. Why are you scared? Why are you not comfortable showing your emotions? Why are you afraid to show how you feel? What is the expectation here? Obviously, you don't have a lot of expectation towards the partner you're with, but the expectation is basically negative. So, not a lot of positive expectations, but negative expectations in the sense of if I open up, they're gonna leave anyway. The essential step is exploring, understanding, and eventually expressing your emotional needs, and find out that not everyone who is listening to your emotional needs will say, I don't want to do this, or that they will reject you. It's about gaining your experience and allowing yourself to get together new experience. At some point, you might be able to start working on building a closer relationship with the people that you love. They could follow a step-by-step approach if you only let them know that this is something you're struggling with. Responding to emotional needs, it's not always, you know, you need to understand if you're an adult, you will not be taken care of like an infant, for example. So every single time you start crying, expecting that someone is coming to be around you, picking you up and soothing you, that's obviously not going to happen, happen as an adult. However, if you open up to your partner, partner or people that you love and tell them, hey, listen, I have a hard time trusting other people, I have a hard time relying on other people. And if you let them know that this is one thing that you're struggling with, they might be more sensitive to the case and actually put a little bit more effort to show you it that it's okay. Can you as an avoidant adult change your attachment style later on? Absolutely, yes. Obviously, working with a therapist on this pattern would potentially be more beneficial. And, you know, you can earn a secure attachment style. You can learn how to be secure in attachment. But if therapy is not an option for you, you should definitely look into ways to self-explore and self-reflect. So journaling is very, very powerful, especially when you just enter a relationship, you should find out what triggers your negative um responses, what triggers the way you interact with other people in a negative way, and how can you fix it? Either way, if you want to change your attachment style, you need to put effort into it. Whether you are working through it with a friend, a therapist, a journal, consistency in this case is absolutely key. It's so fundamental that you actually remind yourself every single day that it's sometimes okay to open up to other people. This is the one thing that can help you not only bring awareness, but also give you the encouragement that you might need to change and try new things. So, yeah, this is basically it. Short and sweet. Um, an overview of the avoidant attachment style. Let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_00 18:00

Alrighty, take care. Hey, thank you so much for tuning in. And hopefully, you will tune in again next week. It will be another episode talking to or about clients of mine, and you can find us on social media on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. The handle is always @saidintherapy. Thank you so much.