EP08-Why Your Bedroom Feels like a Boardroom

Ever wonder why your relationship feels magnetic some days and totally flat the next? You love each other, but the spark feels… gone.

This episode dives into the Arc of Polarity. The hidden energy dynamic that fuels attraction, intimacy, and connection. For first responder couples, the stress, hypervigilance, and command mode that the job demands often hijacks this natural flow. The result? Two partners stuck in the same energy...butting heads, powering through, and feeling like roommates instead of lovers.

Erin breaks down how masculine and feminine energy (not gender energy) play into relationship chemistry, why sameness kills the spark, and how you can reset polarity to bring back the connection you’ve been missing.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:

• Why cumulative stress from the job shuts down connection at home
• How first responder spouses unconsciously harden into survival mode
• Why masculine vs. masculine energy creates power struggles
• How to tap into feminine flow or masculine presence, no matter your gender
• The Polarity Reset Drill to rebalance energy and reignite intimacy
• The Swoon Challenge: a playful, surprising move to bring back chemistry fast

MENTAL FIREPOWER:

1. Spot Your Default Energy: Are you stuck in drive, control, and command or soft, passive flow?
2. Identify the Gap: Where is your relationship lacking contrast?
3. Switch It Up: Play with shifting your energy lead when you normally follow, soften when you normally control.
4. Bonus Challenge: Whoever’s in the masculine role swoon the feminine at least once this week. Feminine? Trust, lean back, and let it happen.

WHO THIS EPISODE IS FOR:

• First responder couples feeling more like teammates than lovers
• Spouses carrying the mental load and feeling hardened by it
• Partners stuck in power struggles or disconnected communication
• Anyone wanting to restore intimacy and emotional polarity in their relationship

WHY IT MATTERS:

When both partners stay stuck in the same energy, connection flatlines.
When you intentionally create contrast, the spark reignites and your relationship stops feeling like another job to manage.

CALL TO ACTION:

Share this with your spouse, try the Polarity Reset Drill, and take the Swoon Challenge this week.

Want more tools like this? Join the waitlist for The Connection Code, Erin’s program built for first responder couples, at erinmaccabee.com.

Music from #Uppbeat

https://uppbeat.io/t/needmospace/chill-power

License code: QUUZB4TP7STKMLJN

Transcript

Erin Maccabee: [00:00:00] You ever wonder why some days your relationship feels electric, like you can't keep your hands off of each other. It's just this magnetic energy. But other days it's like you're just kind of circling around each other like two sharks trying to get that one piece of bait. It's like this power struggle.

And there's zero spark, and maybe it's not even fighting, maybe it's not even drama. It's just this quiet drift where you feel like something's missing. Like where is this connection? Because on paper all looks great, but there's something missing that you just can't put your finger on.

Well, here's what I can tell you is that missing spark, it's not the love. It's not love that's missing. You love each other. It's something more. It's something bigger, and that's something bigger is called polarity. And you hear about this, ~you know,~ in love stories when it's like two people meet [00:01:00] and they're just drawn together.

I can't explain the energy exchange between the two of 'em. That's what it is. The arc of polarity is a hidden force that makes a relationship feel magnetic. It can also make it feel flat, depending. And for first responder couples, the job itself can hijack the ~balance. And for first responder couples. The job itself can actually hijack that ~balance without you even realizing it, without you even knowing that it existed in the first place.

Today, I'm cracking it open so you can see why the energy between you and maybe your partner, you and your spouse, ~sh, ~has that shift, has that disconnect sometimes, and how you can get it back.

first, let's touch on this. What in the hell is polarity? Am I right? So what I want you to do is kind of ~vi ~visualize it like an arc, like I think of, um, a negative wire and a positive wire joining forces to create this energetic field. [00:02:00] the way that this works if you're thinking of an~ an ~an arch, the two sides that are leaning against each other are creating strength.

And they're creating that strength through their differences. But if you take away one of the differences, the arch is gonna fall apart. In addition, if you push too hard on one side, the same thing will happen. It'll collapse. And that's what I'm talking about when I'm talking about this idea of polarity.

There is this arc of polarity between people in a relationship. It's either that spark or it falls flat depending on. Who is bringing what to the equation? Because polarity is this tension between two opposing energies. So in this context. we're looking specifically at masculine and feminine energy, where masculine is more this pursuer ~and the ER ~and the feminine is more this structure and flow and fluidity aspect I wanna say it [00:03:00] doesn't matter. What gender, it doesn't matter what sexual orientation, it doesn't matter who has what, as long as they're not two of the same. So again, I wanna be very, very clear. This has absolutely nothing to do with gender at all, and ~masculine and fem ~masculine and feminine energy live inside of all of us.

For example, I tend to operate heavily. Am I masculine because of the type of work I do, because I was raised with boys because of this need ~to feeling, ~to feel like I needed to dominate or be in control. And I've seen plenty of men be able to shift into a feminine approach, my husband being one of them, and I'll tell you about that more so the masculine and the feminine energy.

Like I said, live in all of us, but they're just two different modes, and so one is just like more directive and penetrating and grounded that doing mode, whereas the other one is more a receptive and a creative and a being and [00:04:00] an inflow kind of mode like. Envision when water is going down a stream and it's kind of going around and through and over the rocks, it's not like coming up against the rock, like get outta my way.

That is more the feminine flow of everything

when both show up one part feminine and one part masculine. It creates this attraction, it creates a connection. It creates, I would say, a balance it doesn't matter what the relationship looks like. all of that said for first responder couples, this can get a little bit tricky, and I imagine you can already envision why, For the feminine. Working in this culture, it tends to be a male dominant, more masculine field of work, and it requires a lot of drive, a lot of directive, a lot of groundedness, a lot of doing, a lot of penetrating, a lot of fearlessness in a [00:05:00] different kind of capacity. 

Erin Maccabee: So, as I said, this job, it kind of locks you right into this male, and it doesn't matter, male or female command space, where you're in a hyper focus mode, where you are in control, where you are taught to solve the problem and then move on. Now here's the thing, when you're bringing that home. that energy is gonna feel displaced in the world of relationships, especially if you are a female who operates heavily in masculine and then goes home to her partner, ~who is a man who op offers, ~who operates heavily in his masculine, then you're gonna have ~these two opposing or ~these two same forces butting heads against each other.

And then if we flip sides and we're looking at the partner that's at home, it's not unusual for the partner at home to begin to take on that more masculine role simply because they are in a position of running the house, of making a lot of the decisions when it comes to the house of handling the children.

A lot of them have their own [00:06:00] job. Where they need to show up in a certain way and then go home and handle all of that. And so it creates this, driving force of we gotta get this thing done. There's nobody here to save me, there's nobody here else to do it. And so it can harden that person that is at home that isn't the responder.

And this can also happen in same sex relationships. So again, this isn't about gender. This dynamic can still show up because both partners can get stuck and one energy or the other. And when it comes to the responder world, that's pretty much what survival demands of you is to operate in that space.


Erin Maccabee: So when that happens, the polarity flattens, if we're both in this. Driving Ram head butting kind of energy, or I like to envision when you try to push two magnets together and they won't go together, they actually push each other apart. That's exactly what's happening. When that polarity is missing and the relationship is, you begin to kind of just push each other apart.

So [00:07:00] the spark fades. ~Um.~

It becomes hard to connect and interact without feeling like who's in control here, 


Erin Maccabee: And it can create this energy where it feels like all the spice and flavor has left the relationship and now you are just surviving and maintaining the house and making sure the kids ~are ~stay alive. And that's about it.

But we also can see that on the other side, if both individuals are more in this, feminine flow, easy, receptive, creative space, then nothing's gonna get done.

So the important part is that we have one person. Stands in the more masculine energy and one person that stands and the more dominant energy, and it doesn't matter which person, what gender, as long as there is the equal of two parts. Because when one person can soften and meet the person that is more of that masculine energy, then that's where there's an opportunity for one to be led and one to follow, and a very easy.

[00:08:00] Natural, non-competitive kind of way, and that right there can reignite this connection.

~It can also cause confusion if you are not the one that typically operates in a certain energy and then all of a sudden you're trying to wear this new hat. But as long as you and your partner are on the same page of who's doing what and you're meeting each other, and obviously this is, doesn't even require some kind of exchange in conversation.~

This can just be something that one picks up on. Like, wow, my partner is really dominating this heavy masculine, I'm gonna soften a little bit so that we can kind of create that polarity. That's all that matters. And here's the good news, if you find that you are the couple that is. both of you are operating in heavy masculine.

You can reset this and I am here to tell you right now, it might sound impossible, but I'm gonna use my own life as an example. So. If you know me, even if you don't know me, you can probably tell just by listening to the show or following me on social media. Whatever you do, however you are in relationship to who I am, I am definitely a dominant individual.

I'm definitely the kind of individual who likes to be in control. ~I, ~a lot of this goes back to my temperament, which I have studied a lot on temperament, which is [00:09:00] basically your base line. In your soul, in your core, who you are, like temperament is created in the womb. So before we're even born, we come out with these certain temperaments and,~ and, ~and mine has always been.

~Uh, ~that of a leader, that of, very strong-willed individual. And so you can imagine being that I am married to a man who happens to be very similar in energy. He likes to lead, he does not wanna be controlled at all. He, ~he is. ~Has more of this a type or did personality? It causes conflict in our relationship.

And I can tell you that we have some reoccurring disagreements that we have had until we started to figure out that wow, both of us are actually trying to run the show here. And that's not gonna work to get things done. That's not gonna work to create connection between the two of us. So my husband's a quick learner.

He has learned how to [00:10:00] shift his energy to meet me in a much better way than I have learned to shift my energy to meet him. However, that being said, I do have ~the, ~the ability to begin to kind of shift into this more like ~easy, ~easy, flirty, creative receiving. Version of myself to lean into that feminine, to allow him to be that man, the masculine energy in our relationship.

So we are living proof that it is possible to reset and learn and figure out how can we ebb and flow in our relationship with one another. And that's where I'm gonna bring up the mental firepower for you This is one that you absolutely have to have your spouse or your partner in on, otherwise, Let me take that back. You don't have to. However, it will be a lot easier. It would take a lot of pressure off of you if they were aware of the arc of polarity Aware that there are different masculine and feminine energies that feed off of each other ~to create, ~to [00:11:00] create that connection and that like I just keep wanting to like shake my shoulders.

I'm like, you know that yumminess in your relationship This is what I'm gonna invite you to do, and I'm going to name it the Polarity Reset Drill, and this is a very simple way to bring that arc back into your life this week. Give it a shot. You have nothing to lose. But I think the most important thing is first ~you have to sp ~you have to spot your default.

Like you have to be very aware of where you tend to typically fall. So which energy are you living in the most? Is it that directive that penetrating as I like to call it, that driving energy? Or is it more the receptive and the receiver and the go with the flow kind of energy? And again, not about gender, it's about energy.

So really think about where do I feel like I fall most of the time? What is like my go-to space? Then [00:12:00] the goal would be to identify the gap. So look at the dynamic between you and your partner's energy and figure out is there too much sameness like me and my husband where it was two rams, like quite literally butting heads and no wonder we.

Couldn't seem to see eye to eye, or no wonder there was a missing spark sometimes because like I said, those two strong energies, they begin to collide. Or is there too much softness? And so no one's leading, no one's making any decisions. It's kind of like, honey, what do you want for dinner tonight?

Oh, I don't care. What do you want? Oh my gosh, nothing's getting done. Nothing.

The spark, remember lives in the contrast. So we want opposites in this environment. Now, once you know where you lie and where your partner lies, this is gonna be your opportunity to play a game like switching it up. So whoever's been the one that's typically in control or the more dominant penetrating driving energy and your relationship.

give [00:13:00] yourself an opportunity to actually shift into that more gentle flow, creative type energy. And then the one that's normally the more passive or soft or easy, that kind of energy, step it up a notch. And become the more dominant, give yourself the opportunity to take some initiative.

this isn't about faking it because remember I said we all have both energies within us. We just tend to operate heavier in one than the other. I also wanna say that masculine energy has so much beauty to it. There ~is ~different versions of masculine energy and I know sometimes like you talk about that masculine and people automatically think like dominating, like rough and that's just not true.

There's a lot of space to grow within that masculine energy and ~there's just, ~there's also a lot of space to grow within the feminine energy. So it's gonna be important that you [00:14:00] practice and you can practice in little tiny baby micro moments. And this doesn't have to be some big dramatic overhaul. For example, if you're the responder, you can be intentional about dropping that ~commanding mode or mode or ~commanding tone at home and begin to lead with curiosity.

And if you're the partner or the spouse, you can let yourself receive. Instead of being the one that's managing everything around you, because I understand that often we also have to manage our spouse's emotions or needs as well when they come home from work. And this isn't an insult, it's just the job is freaking exhausting and hard and it can take a lot out of you.

~And so, ~and you also don't know what kind of mood you're gonna be bringing home. And so there's that to manage too.

If you are in a same sex relationship, these energies can and likely should flow naturally back and forth. ~So ~sometimes one of you might be operating more and masculine while the other one's operating more and [00:15:00] feminine and then it's, you know, ~this, ~this switch off. ~It does, it is a little bit easier. Um, no, that's not true.~

~It's not easier. ~There might be a little bit more wiggle room there. either way, you're still ~doing, ~dealing with, being conscious of there being the ebb and flow of both. Here is a bonus challenge for you. And this is something ~again ~that my husband and I started doing a couple years ago. We went through this relationships course.

We actually, ~uh. ~Captained ~to ~this relationships workshop weekend, which ~that ~just means that we kind of oversaw it and helped ~kind of ~facilitate and organize it and ~you know, ~worked on the exercises and all of that. ~And ~it is a powerful weekend. But I bring that up because this was something that we started doing way back then and it is.

Going to be a challenge for some of you, and that's why it's called a bonus challenge, and it is the swoon. So this week I'm gonna challenge whoever is the masculine energy in your home to swoon the ~fem ~feminine energy in your [00:16:00] relationship at least once during the week. And the idea is for it to come out of middle of nowhere and.

The person that is in the feminine to be caught off guard because that's part of it. But in case you don't know what swooning is, because I know that not everybody knows what that is. I want you to think about a movie, especially like I always think about like these older movies, like a black and white movie where the man comes outta nowhere and grabs this woman and dips her down and she giggles because she wasn't expecting it and it's so sweet and it's playful and fun.

Yeah. ~That. ~That is what a swoon is. So you grab that feminine energy in your home and you dip them back and you let them feel desired and you let them feel held and safe. And that's the catch. Okay? Feminine energy, that is the catch because you absolutely have to trust, you have to let them actually do it.

You have to relax into it and know that they're not gonna drop you on your head. I mean, I don't care how awkward it is. [00:17:00] Your person is not gonna drop you on their head unless they're, weak. And that's still not gonna happen because that person wants to protect you. So you gotta trust, you gotta drop that masculine energy.

And believe me, it was really hard for me for a while. Now, obviously, if you have back issues or something else. Don't do the swoon that could injure somebody. But you could even do something like masculine goes and grabs feminines arm and like spins them around, you know, like when you're dancing, something like that.

But the goal is to be in this kind of boyish and girlish charm about it. You know, like think of little kids and how they're just, they don't care, right? They're just having fun and being silly and being playful. That's the concept. That's the idea to really reignite that. Arc of polarity in your relationship.

That dance. It is a dance. So here's really what I want you to hear is that polarity, it's not about the gender or [00:18:00] traditional roles, it's about ~the, ~this dance between the opposites of the energies, ~the tension that. Because it's either the, it's because it's ~the tension that either holds you together, this yummy good tension, you know, like being wrapped up with a bungee cord or.

It's gonna be the tension that pushes you apart, like the two magnets that are on the same side, and we wanna flip the magnets around so they're positive, negative, and when you intentionally are bringing a different energy to the table, you have the opportunity to create a space for connection and attraction that can actually let you breathe Again.

I just took a big, deep breath reminder, the arc does not stand because the sides are the same. It stands because they're leaning against each other and you can ~re ~rebuild that spark. And it's not with more effort, but it's with more intention. Absolutely. About the energy that you're bringing home and about who gets to shift where in order to recreate and reignite that [00:19:00] spark.

If what I'm pointing out today is hitting home, it feels like, oh wow. I didn't even realize that this was the thing. ~I didn't know that there, ~ I always could tell that there was some weird ~en ~energy exchange, but I didn't know what that was. I knew in some homes, if someone is in a bad mood, they have the potential to suck the energy outta the house.

Well, now you know what it is. It's that masculine verse feminine. Dominating penetrating energy that feels a little more on the, we'll say, toxic side. anyway, ~if, ~if this feels like, wow, I am really glad to have this tool to know more about this and it lands, I wanna invite you to check out the connection.

The Connection Code is a program that I have been working on developing for a while now, and it's a program that's built for first responder couples. ~The intent, ~the point of it is to break the cycle of shutdown, to break the cycle of stress and the silence that happens in our relationships. To teach you how to reignite that spark, reignite ~that, ignite ~that flame, figure out what your blind spots are, and it is packed with tools just [00:20:00] like this.

Erin Maccabee: The things that you can actually use in real time. To shift the dynamic of your relationship. The cool thing about it is that it is built for shift work. So what that means is you get to work at your own pace. It will allow for a couple opportunities to have coaching calls with me, but for the most part, you can build this around your crazy schedules to begin to redevelop.

I have room for five couples in the month of August If this sounds like, Hey, I wanna hop on this train, I wanna get more of this information, then I to encourage you to go to aaron maccabee.com and if you go to the coaching page, you will see at the bottom of the page there is a wait list form where you can put your name on the wait list to join the connection code, and I will reach out to you.

I want to be very clear. You don't need fixing. You need a new version, a new opportunity. You simply don't have the freshest, coolest, most productive [00:21:00] tools, and you need that firepower and maybe a little polarity to keep that fire burning. But I wanna encourage you to please share this episode with your friends, your loved ones, your peers, anybody that could create some value in their life and in their relationship through understanding this particular tool and all the other tools that we provide here on the Flashpoint Podcast, ~a cast.~

So please give the show a rate and review on the listening platform of your choice because it helps push the show in front of more people who could really use these tools. I am your coach, Erin. catch you on the next round. remember to make it a strong day. We'll see you soon.