EP10-Show Your Hand, Release Resentment

You’re tired, pissed, and over it, and that doesn’t mean love is gone.
It means resentment has moved in.

In this episode, Erin breaks down one of the most common and dangerous threats to first responder relationships: the slow buildup of unspoken frustrations that silently stack until your connection flatlines.

She calls out the patterns both first responders and their partners fall into keeping score, making assumptions, carrying invisible weight and shows you how to break the cycle before it breaks you.

This isn’t about grand gestures or deep therapy dives. It’s about micro-honesty, practical communication, and showing up like you're actually on the same team.

IN THIS EPISODE, YOU’LL LEARN:

• Why resentment builds silently inside responder households
• The connection-killing trap of scorekeeping and assumption
• How both partners end up feeling unseen and overextended at the same time
• The real reason “relaxing” becomes a trigger
• How to use Erin’s Show Your Hand exercise to clear the air and reconnect
• Why transparency, not perfection, is the antidote to emotional drift

MENTAL FIREPOWER:

The “Show Your Hand” Exercise
When you hold your cards close and expect your partner to read your mind, resentment wins.

This tool walks you step-by-step through how to name what you’re carrying, reveal it without attacking, and receive what your partner shares, without jumping to defense.

This simple, powerful framework shifts communication from accusation to revelation, and gives your loyalty a place to land.

Download the free worksheet mentioned in this episode at:
https://erinmaccabee.com/showyourhand

WHO THIS EPISODE IS FOR:

• First responder couples stuck in resentment and miscommunication
• Spouses who feel emotionally overloaded and invisible
• Partners who are tired of keeping secrets about what they’re really feeling
• Anyone ready to build relationship resilience through emotional transparency

CALL TO ACTION:

Practice the “Show Your Hand” drill with your partner this week.
Start small. Start awkward. But start.
Then rate, review, and share this episode with another couple who could use a connection reset.

And remember:
Resentment doesn’t belong in your marriage. Transparency does.

Music from #Uppbeat

https://uppbeat.io/t/needmospace/chill-power

License code: QUUZB4TP7STKMLJN

Transcript

[00:00:00] You love them, you really do, but you're pissed. You're tired, and if you're being honest with yourself and maybe them. You're pretty much over it. but that doesn't mean love is gone. It means resentment has moved in. this is the case for many households when it comes to couples.

resentment. doesn't just show up overnight, it sneaks in, and for you all, maybe it's during the shift change, the missed dinners, the unanswered text, the weekend spent catching up on chores or what needs to be done around the house or on rest rather than connecting.

With each tiny little resentment, you might try to convince yourself that it's just not that big of a deal. But here's what I've learned is that each resentment is kind of like this drip in a bucket, and as we know, those drips, add up and they can equal a full bucket. And once that bucket's full, [00:01:00] there's no place else for any of these feelings or these resentments to go.

So it builds silently until you realize you've been keeping score, making sure you. Make a mental note of various situations, maybe to use as a comeback or as a defense mechanism or as a tactic in your next argument and what's happening when we're so busy keeping score In these instances, we're not making space for connection.

today I am gonna unpack why both the responder and the spouse can often feel unseen, unsupported, probably pretty overextended and at the same exact time, and I think more importantly, how to break the cycle. Before it takes you and your relationship out

resentment is the byproduct of two things. Often it's the communication that stops and then assumptions begin to take over. And from the responder side, it can sound like I'm out here [00:02:00] risking my life. How do you not get that? Or you have no idea What I see every shift. And then from the spouse's side, it can sound like I carry everything you don't see, and you act like I'm just sitting here complaining or listen, I'm exhausted from holding the line at home while you're out holding the line at work.

and the truth is here, that neither side is wrong, and this isn't about right or wrong. But when those truths stay in your head, instead of being spoken out loud, resentment then becomes the loudest voice in the room. And what fuels resentments are unspoken expectations or assuming the other person should know that mind reading.

And the chronic disconnection. So when you are not making space for anything outside of logistics in your home and in your relationship,

and I know it's pretty easy when we get to this [00:03:00] space to have this feeling of like, I am the only one that is sacrificing. While my partner feels the same exact way, like there's kind of this competition in a way of like, of who's carrying the bigger load And that definitely creates even more disconnection to believe that one of us is carrying more than the other. I know that for a long time I used to have a resentment that I would find my husband in bed taking a nap or just relaxing and watching a movie, and I would just let it build and build and build.

And then eventually it would come out something like, what are you doing up here? Or do you not hear them fighting, like talking about our kids or. Something along those lines, like instead of just asking for the thing that I need, I would begin to attack. And it took me a long time to figure this out, but once I [00:04:00] did, I was like, oh my gosh.

And I finally realized that my resentments have absolutely nothing to do with my husband, which is true. They say in aa, resentments are like drinking the poison expecting the other person to die. But what I realized with my husband was it wasn't that he was laying in bed or taking a nap or watching a show or relaxing.

It was the fact that I had made up some kind of story that I wasn't actually able to do that Who? Who said nobody said I couldn't. Relax, take a nap. I just decided that the world would stop turning or the house would fall apart if I did something like that.

So that was a great example of me feeling like I was carrying more of the load in those moments. But as I said, this isn't about who's right, it's about the fact that both of you are loyal to the relationship. But the thing is, your loyalty has no place to land. And when loyalty has [00:05:00] no landing spot, it turns into frustration, it turns into distance, it turns into eventually, possibly apathy.

So I want to share a piece of mental firepower with you this week that I call Show your hand. You know, think about when you are playing cards and you wanna see what the other person has and they show their hand. So that's kind of what we're doing here with this mental firepower, is bringing those resentments, bringing the way that we've been feeling to the surface so that all the cards are on the table because.

As I touched on already, resentment builds in the shadows and when you keep your cards close and expect the other person to just know or mind read what's in your hand, if you wanna break it, you have to be willing to reveal what you're holding and invite your partner to do the same, and that can feel really scary and dangerous and risky.

But here I'm gonna tell you how [00:06:00] you can do this one. This is definitely not something to do when you're in mid blow up. This is something that you'll wanna do in a neutral time. So not after a bad shift, of course, not when either of you are already edgy and feeling like you could kind of pop off at any moment.

Think something like a calm evening or a quiet drive, or maybe you intentionally go and grab a cup of coffee together. So. You're making time for this. Then once you kind of decide on neutral ground, when you're going to do this, you're gonna set the frame of the conversation.

And the way that this can start is one at a time. And the first person that's ready to go can say something like, I wanna show you what I've been carrying. And it's not to criticize, but because I want us to be stronger. So by starting off like that, you're kind of creating the space where it's we're signaling safety, right out of the gate.

[00:07:00] And then after that part is said, it's time to show your hand. And so you're gonna kind of fill in this blank here, which is one thing I've been carrying that I need you to see is, and then fill in the blank. One thing that I've been carrying that I need you to see is that I have this crazy. Frustration when you're upstairs taking a nap or when you're just watching a tv and I notice that

it makes my blood boil. one thing that I've been carrying that I need you to see is that you often come home and drop your bag off right at the door and. Have this expectation that some magical fairy is gonna pick it up and, and clean it up, or do the laundry or do whatever you know, so those are just some examples, of what it might be.

And that's the thing too that's funny about resentments, is we tend to brush it under the rug Those like moments of kind of feeling [00:08:00] like we're getting jabbed in the chest because. In that moment, it doesn't feel like it's that big of a deal. It's like, what am I making such a big deal out of this for like, my husband used to get driven so crazy because I would always leave half drank coffees, like coffee cups, just kind of on the table.

And now he kind of laughs about it. He kind of sees it as well, as long as those coffee cups are sitting there. At least I know Erin's still around. But that drove him crazy and it's something so small and trivial. the reason why this works when you're just kind of putting it out there, like the one thing I've been carrying that I need you to see is, is because it keeps the focus on what's actually in your hand, not what the other person is doing It's like I have been carrying this, resentment around you laying in bed or you leaving your coffee cups laying around. So this isn't about attacking, this is about kind of just taking personal responsibility. Like here's what I'm noticing coming up for me around this incident. [00:09:00] So I'm gonna show you my hand, here's my hand, and it doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong.

what this can do is this can shift the conversation from accusation to revelation, inviting, understanding instead of this defensiveness.

The other important part about doing this process though, is active receiving. 

When it's your turn to listen, you don't play your next card yet. You just take in what's been laid down in front of you. A simple response like I hear you, is enough. Because it's gonna be really easy to be like, yeah, well what about that one time? Right? Or, okay, that's easy for you to say, but it's so easy for us to feel like we need to defend the thing the person's saying, but this isn't about you.

This is about that person. And what they're holding onto that is their own thing to work through. But together you can support each other in doing that, by getting it off your chest and showing your hand. And then there's gonna be an [00:10:00] opportunity for you to swap roles. so now it's the other person's turn to show what they've been carrying.

And then at that point, both hands have been laid on the table. 

and then you can just kind of tie it up and wrap it up with some kind of closing that's gonna anchor this exchange back and forth. Where it's something positive, like one way I can lighten your load this week is, and that's how you can turn a card reveal into a game changing move for your relationship.

And here's a little pro tip. The first few times it's gonna feel awkward. It might feel risky. It's gonna be so easy to go to that space of defending yourself. But each time you practice this, it builds more and more trust, because every time you show your hand, you can prove that you're actually playing on the same team.

And this isn't about winning.

Because if one of us is winning, that implies that we are playing on opposite teams and the idea is to bring us together. it's about [00:11:00] transparency. And transparency is how you starve resentment before it's starves your connection.

now is a reminder that you don't hate each other. You're tired of carrying things alone. Sure. The cure for resentment isn't these grand gestures. It's gonna be in this micro honesty, these little drips. We're gonna be removing those drips outta the bucket this time. So say the hard thing.

Hear the hard thing. And when you do Those resentments lose their grip the moment you show your hand. And that right there is how the loyalty is gonna find its way home again.

So I'm sure you already can figure out what this week's call it's gonna be, and it's just gonna be to practice, to play, show your hand with your partner. You can start with something small, the most surface level thing, if that feels helpful to begin to create that space. and it's not to keep score.

But to stop keeping secrets about the things that are weighing you down. And the other [00:12:00] thing that you can do

is shoot me an email. Let me know how this worked for you. Let me know if this was like an absolutely not. I am never going here. This feels too dangerous, and that's okay too. But I'd like to know how it feels, what your thoughts are about it,

and then take the opportunity, if you will, to rate, review, and absolutely share with another couple in this world because we can never have too many tools to develop a healthy relationship with our partner because resentment should never get to be the third person in our marriages.

And just as a little additional piece, I am gonna go ahead and put a little handout in the show notes going through the specific prompts. Of this show your hand exercise for you so that if it feels like, man, I'm not gonna remember what to say or do, or it might just be better if we have the prompts right in front of us.

So we're reminded not to like, fly off the handle that we have, the step-by-step practice. You can easily download it and print it out and have it to use at [00:13:00] your leisure if that feels supported You've been listening to the Flashpoint Podcast, where we're working together to turn survival mode into sustainable love.

I'm your coach, Erin, as always. Make it a strong day I'll catch you on the next round. See you soon.