Caring for Aging Parents: Essential Caregiving Tips and When to Step In

Caring for Aging Parents: Essential Caregiving Tips and When to Step In 

What happens when you begin noticing changes in an aging parent—but they insist everything is fine? Caring for aging parents is challenging. 

 Episode 6 dives into the realities adult children face when caring for aging parents who may be in denial. Host Bonnie Keith is joined by Monica Smith, Certified Senior Advisor, and Angelica Lopez, Gerontologist, along with Joyce Robertson of the Foundation for Senior Services.

 Together, they share professional guidance, practical strategies, and personal experiences to help families navigate the complex journey of aging. They share caregiving tips, tips on how to recognize early warning signs, and how to provide support without compromising independence. Discover strategies for emergency planning and managing difficult conversations, all aimed at helping families through the complex aging journey

You’ll learn how to recognize changes that may require attention, including:

• Difficulty managing bills or medications
• Falls, unexplained bruises, or changes in mobility
• Getting lost in familiar places
• Changes in personal grooming or household routines
• Weight loss, poor nutrition, or increasing isolation
• Damage to the car or concerns about driving
• Misplacing objects in unusual or unsafe places
• Behavior or memory changes that interfere with daily life

The conversation also explores the difference between normal age-related changes and patterns that may require a medical evaluation. Monica and Angelica explain why documenting changes and establishing a cognitive baseline can help families communicate more clearly with healthcare providers.

But recognizing the signs is only the beginning.

What do you do when your parent refuses help? How can you introduce in-home support without making them feel as though they are losing control? When is it time to discuss driving, assisted living, memory care, or a power of attorney? And what happens when siblings disagree about what their parent needs?

This episode offers practical ways to begin these difficult conversations, including:

• Starting with small, nonthreatening forms of assistance
• Framing help around safety, independence, and quality of life
• Involving trusted physicians, religious leaders, neighbors, or other professionals
• Presenting a caregiver as a personal assistant when appropriate
• Offering realistic transportation and care alternatives
• Bringing in an objective care manager when family members cannot agree
• Creating an emergency and long-term care plan before a crisis occurs

The discussion also recognizes the emotional and physical toll caregiving can take. Family caregivers often feel frightened, guilty, exhausted, or overwhelmed—but they do not have to face this journey alone. Support groups, respite care, care managers, senior-care professionals, and organizations such as the Foundation for Senior Services can provide valuable guidance and support.

Helping an aging parent does not always mean taking control. Often, it means noticing changes, beginning difficult conversations, planning before a crisis, and making sure the person you love remains heard, respected, safe, and supported.

ABOUT OUR GUESTS

Monica Smith, CSA, CDP, BCPA
Certified Senior Advisor
Clarity Senior Solutions
www.clarityforseniors.com
(805) 393-6553

Angelica Lopez, MSG
Gerontologist
TheKey
www.thekey.com

RESOURCES AND SUPPORT

The Foundation for Senior Services connects seniors and their families with education, options, resources, and qualified senior-service professionals.

www.FoundationForSeniorServices.org
(855) 836-0807

ABOUT OUR SPONSOR

This episode is sponsored by Joe Tishkoff, Senior Mortgage Advisor with Lower Mortgage.

With more than 40 years of experience navigating the changing real estate landscape, Joe helps homeowners and retirees explore how their home equity may support greater financial security. He provides guidance on mortgage options, equity strategies, and property decisions.

Joe Tishkoff
Senior Mortgage Advisor
Lower Mortgage

(818) 370-8302
(818) 971-4252
jtishkoff@lower.com

SPONSOR LICENSING DISCLAIMER

NMLS ID 240232. States Licensed: CA, CO, FL, NV, NC, OR, WA. Lower Mortgage offers lending programs in 48 states (excluding NY and HI).

Senior PrimeTime: Real People, Real Conversations is brought to you by the Foundation for Senior Services.

This episode is intended for general educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individualized medical, legal, financial, or professional care advice. Consult qualified professionals regarding your family’s specific circumstances.

Senior PrimeTime is brought to you by the Foundation for Senior Services and hosted by Bonnie Keith.
Each episode features conversations that help seniors and their families live with purpose, vitality, and confidence in Act Three.

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Learn more:
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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to Senior Prime Time, where real people and real conversations come together. Hi, I'm Bonnie Keith, Creative Visual Director, Industry Veteran, and your host of Senior Prime Time. This podcast is brought to you by the Foundation for Senior Services, and I'm joined today by its co-founder and CEO, Joyce Robertson. Senior Prime Time brings you conversations with certified specialists and trusted partners of the Foundation, focused on the topics that matter most to senior families and characterists. Today, in episode six, we are talking of Monica Smith, a certified senior advisor and angelic adopter at Gerrit College for a conversation on navigating exchanges, challenges, and key decisions family space with supporting 18 parents. But before we begin, we want to extend a special thank you to today's episode sponsor, Joe Chitcock, Senior Mortgage Advisor and Reverse Mortgage Lending Specialist with Lower Mortgage. And with that, let's get started. Welcome, Monica, Angelica, and Joyce. Monica, Angelica, I'd love for you to share maybe in 30 seconds a little bio just so that our listeners and viewers can get a sense of who you are, what your passions are, and why you are here able to discuss this very, very important subject. Angelica, let's start with you.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Yes. Well, thank you so much, Bonnie, for having me. My background is in deontology. So in 2017, I graduated with my master's from USC. I studied aging for my graduate degree. And really it's my passion to work with the population. At that time, we were talking about this growth that we're now starting to see within that population and how that demographic shift is affecting us. So to me, it was very interesting on a macro level. But right now I work on an individual level with families in non-medical home care. And I have been doing that for the past five years.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Fantastic. Thank you. And thank you for being here. And uh Monica.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

Hi, yes. Thanks, Bonnie, again for having us as well. I started my career as a nurse many years ago, about 30 years ago. And I worked in the hospital environment. I worked in the healthcare industry for about 35 years. And then a few years ago, I had always managed my parents' care from afar. They had some medical challenges. And about four years ago, my dad started experiencing falls. And so I ended up having to become much more involved in their care. And they ended up moving into an assisted living, which was a wonderful experience for our family. Our family just grew as they moved into this environment. And as a result of that experience, I decided to open my own business and help families who are struggling to care for seniors at home and help them find the best place for them to be in the best environment. So I do care management and also provide placement services. So I'm so happy to be here talking with everybody today.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Wonderful. And we are happy to have you. So with that, what we are talking about today is when that moment comes when an adult child realizes something's changed with usually their parent, but this can happen to any family member. So I don't want to really limit it only to parents, but that will be the focus today. They may be forgetting their medication, struggling with everyday tasks, becoming isolated, or insisting that everything's fine. So how do you know when it's time to step in? How do you help without taking over? And what happens when your parent literally just refuses help? We're going to start with Monica. What are the early warning signs that should be obvious, but a lot of times they're not, or families overlook them. So what should people be looking for?

SPEAKER_03 3:58

Yeah. So, Bonnie, this is really, really challenging for families. It's a huge transition. Um, and we all go through it. Uh, most of us go through it at one point or another. And sometimes the signs aren't that subtle. Sometimes the family's in denial, oftentimes the senior may be in denial. And it's just very, very challenging to have these conversations. But I talk to families all the time. I, my own personal family, we went through this. Things like, you know, my dad was great at going through and paying the bills, but he started having problems paying the bills and needed help and the checkbook wasn't balanced. Or maybe someone's mother is immaculate in grooming and appearance, but all of a sudden she's showing up and she's not had a haircut and she's a little bit disheveled. That could be something. Falls if someone's having some falls, or if you see bruises or something like that, and they're not telling you that they've had falls, or they come to visit and you see little dings on the car or scratches on the car, you know, and you say, Hey, what happened there? Some other driver, you know, was it it's someone else's fault. So I think just being really aware and noticing the subtle signs and then just kind of letting those add up. And then you can have a conversation about it, but the conversation has to be super objective and without emotion and fact-driven. So there's lots of things to look out for. Anything that's really out of the normal from what you're used to with right.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

So, Angelica, how how do families distinguish between normal aging from a pattern that requires attention? Because again, I've had personal experience with this with a spouse, not a parent. And people say that that's just because they're getting older. But is that always the case?

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Yeah, in my experience, it's not. I always empower caregivers, especially family caregivers. I let them know they are the expert. So, much like Monica said, you're observing something and something is not sitting right with you. So you need to advocate and go and share that information. Oftentimes, especially with dementia, that's what I let caregivers know. You can get so caught up in the day-to-day that subtle changes can be hard to track because you're you're just in it every day. So documenting the day, documenting the behaviors, understanding more of what's going on before and after to then present that to the doctor to say, look, this is exactly what's going on. Because oftentimes um they may present really well at the appointment, right? So it's it's important, like Monica said, to arm ourselves with what do we see objectively? What are the things that are concerning us? And then open up that conversation and advocating with the providers that are on the team. Now, if it's a new diagnosis, you're having to start from scratch, right? Um, I encourage families, like I mentioned, to document, to really consult with the primary care physician. Hopefully they're having the yearly physical done and they are doing some sort of screening, even if it's very uh basic, on cognitive. So utilizing that year over year or asking for another evaluation, a lot of times um I think it's approaching it in an empathetic way. Even on the other end, the individual may also have some awareness. And we we often see that, and and they don't want to say the truth or they don't want to acknowledge that. So I think it's a very difficult part of the journey of aging if there's some cognitive challenges, if you're having to navigate that alone. But oftentimes what I let my caregivers know and empower them, they are the experts. Yes, the doctor understands medicine, but you understand your loved one. You are there every day. You can advocate for them and share what you know, but you're living with them. What you know, what is their reality? And then the provider should be able to help you. Now, if they're not helping you, then it's always important to look for other opinions, to join support groups, to ask others who's helping them navigate this time and having that support is very important. So I encourage families to to talk to others, to do their research, um, and then to arm themselves to advocate when their day-to-day changes, basically. But utilizing a lot of empathy is what I also encourage families and and giving themselves grace. I actually was at an assessment yesterday for a couple's care, and it's it's a step parent. I walked in, and sometimes somebody wants to share everything about you, and sometimes they don't, and they just want to focus on what the needs are and how I can help them meet their goals. And so you have to show up where that individual's at. You know, where are they at in that moment? How can we make that roadmap? And then really good professionals will be able to help the family. So that's another thing too. If somebody shows up at your door and they are providing a service and you don't feel like they're listening to you, look for another recommendation, do your research as well. You also have the right to find the right fit and provider. So I encourage families to be open, to ask questions, to really engage in that advocacy.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

That's so true. And what you said about be with them where they're at as a family member of someone going through this, that's very difficult. So you really do need to have a professional who isn't as invested yet emotionally in that person and has the professional expertise to be able to have their own viewpoint. So, what warning signs would you say no longer require let's just keep watching? And now's the time.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

Yeah. So it's interesting. I am a volunteer community educator for the Alzheimer's Association. And I do lots of different presentations and talks in the communities about being aware and you know, improving brain health and that sort of thing. And everybody is terrified of do I have Alzheimer's? And there's some cognitive changes that naturally come along with aging. And so oftentimes I'm trying to convince people that no, I think, I think you're okay. You know, you're not that simple. So uh I had a presentation yesterday at a Denny's with a retirement group, and the lady walked out with me and followed me all the way to my car, and she's like this and this. And I said, Look, I said cognitive challenges uh sometimes come along with aging. But when you're finding word search, I have problems with word search, you know, you'll see it on the today. But word search issues are common. But walking into a room and forgetting, why am I in this room? That's not unusual. And that doesn't mean that you have dementia or Alzheimer's. But if you drive to the store and you don't know how to get home, that's a big deal, you know. So I think also it's really determining is this something or is this not something? And Delica mentioned this. If you start having some cognitive decline, which some cognitive decline is it comes along with aging, right? It's important to go to your doctor and get a baseline. And so once you have a baseline over the years, it's not going to improve probably, but is this getting worse or is this once you have issues that interfere with your daily life, like I said earlier, if you for some reason forget how to start paying your how to pay your bills, if you forget how to get home from the store that you've driven to every, you know, once a week for 15 years, like things like that, um, that should be very common for you. If you start having those types of challenges, it's super important to go to the doctor. And like Angela said, if you'd gone already and gotten a baseline, you're gonna be able to better determine. But there's something called mild cognitive impairment, which isn't dementia. It's not Alzheimer's. It may be a precursor, but it's not an uncommon diagnosis. So anytime you have some of these challenges, go get checked out for PC and put a plan in place.

SPEAKER_00 11:35

That is great, great advice. Just like anything else, get your baseline. You do it for your cardiologist and you do it for your internist and you get your lab work, get your brain tested, and then you'll have that as a baseline. At least go to the doctor, yeah. Yes, Angelica.

SPEAKER_02 11:50

Yeah, I would say for us, we look at safety. So is that individual safe in their environment? And can we maintain that the least restrictive? Oftentimes, because it's a progressive disease, families may call us when they they're monitoring from afar. Oftentimes I see families use GPS. If somebody has dementia and they want to give them independence, they're like, I'm watching them, but they're also watching them quite extensively. And it's a lot of oversight being provided, but it's I think it's a delicate balance. Oftentimes I see this with younger individuals that are very independent and active. Restricting them and putting them in a confined environment is it's not what's appropriate. It's not therapeutic. So I think families navigate that, you know, delicately with tracking monitors. They also utilize the extended community, like the neighbors, and they tell them, hey, my loved one is going through this. This is, you know, what we're doing. I often also recommend what is your emergency plan? Everything has gone as we predicted, right? But when there's emergency, what will we do and what does that look like? Again, giving families tools to utilize to navigate the journey. But I would say we look at safety. Are they exiting the home and unable to return? Have they driven somewhere and not come back? Nobody's heard from them. So once that individual is no longer safe in their typical environment, then we're definitely looking at bringing a caregiver in or what are their options to maintain their safety? So that's what we look at at the top of the list: their safety, but also the individual's environment. And what could we maintain that's least restrictive to promote their independence and help them thrive? Are they because they're a concern? Or is the family or the system burning out and we need to come and provide respite as well? So I think there's a lot of different things that families have on their plate when they're looking at their loved one. But we always focus on safety and then we go from any medical needs. Like, do they need medication reminders? Do they need meal preparation? Like, so we come in and look at those other things to ensure um that their overall well-being is met.

SPEAKER_03 13:49

Meds are really important if they start messing up their meds, you know, and they're taking high blood pressure meds or something. So that's a really great point.

SPEAKER_00 13:56

Forgetting to turn off the gas, not remembering to turn off the water, not to flush the toilet. Like there's so many things that you don't even think about. They're so common and easy for people until they are.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

I would say also I noticed in one of my clients um misplacing things like putting the purse in the oven or putting something in the freezer. And so we would often check, you know, those areas. And so those could be signs as well. And ultimately, also I let caregivers know we may not be able to change that. You know, that might be their new normal, but we just have to make sure that they're safe and they're not, you know, turning on the oven if they put paper in there. So a lot of times it's also um the families kind of understanding, you know, that that's kind of what their loved one is going through. And we we may not be able to change that.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

So, Angelica, you missed something. I heard the word tools. You give them tools to use. Can you expand on on that a little bit?

SPEAKER_02 14:50

With uh family caregivers, we we look at how are they navigating that journey? So some of the tools might just be resources like call this doctor, connect with the support group, come to this presentation, explore the senior center, but it may be also like encouraging them to do journaling. Like I've had one-on-ones with daughters just to say, this is what's going on, these are the next steps. And they're still the one managing the care, but I'm just checking in with them. So finding your support, everybody's tools or coping skills will be different. But there are avenues out there for families to get that support. Because I would say, in my experience, uh, most of society doesn't really understand that journey yet. They haven't yet, it hasn't yet touched everybody. So when you're in a group of individuals that understand what you're going through, you can get much more support. And really, we look at what does that individual need? You know, what can they do to improve? Oftentimes it's a lot of reassurance, letting them know, like you said, Bonnie, like that's normal. Like frustration at the situation, totally normal. What can we do? You know, and and how are you coping with that? And who do you talk to? And and I also let them know they're doing a great job, genuinely letting them know. I think a lot of times, like family caregivers, they might not hear that very often. And and it's a it's something that they are doing for their loved one. So we reassure them of that. So I think just having a team that you can talk to and then identifying, okay, what are what are those tools and how can we support them best? But a lot of the tools will be uh resources, conversations, and then we may recommend interventions for their loved one, whether it's like a massage or just looking at the care plan and how can we improve?

SPEAKER_00 16:27

Those are great, great ideas. I I know. And I did join a support group when it was me against the world and everybody saying, oh no, he's fine, he's fine. And I knew he wasn't, but nobody else, it was invaluable because I was with that group through the entire process.

SPEAKER_03 16:43

Monica, do you have any tools uh aside from what Angelica had mentioned? Angelica talks about maybe family from afar and having local boots on the ground is super important. It's known in the industry that after the holidays, anybody who's in the senior care industry, their business increases. That's because family goes home and they see, oh wow, like mom and dad are so much worse than I thought they were. And then there are all these plans. So I would say the best thing families can do is to start early, have a plan, put a plan in place. What does that look like? And it could mean if family is afar, it could mean bringing in a care manager who's local and who can work with that family and be the boots on the ground and be that surrogate daughter to come in and see what mom's environment looks like. It's so much better to have a plan and make a decision when you're not in crisis mode. Often I talk to families and they're like, Oh my gosh, we don't know what to do. I live in Texas. Mom fell, she's in the hospital, she's home. What do we do? And so I often work with families and putting that plan in place when there isn't a crisis. I say it's much easier to make a decision when you don't have a gun to your head. Be very deliberate and figure out what the best solution for them is going to be. Like if they're gonna go home, let's make sure that we have home care to come in and take care of them. If that's not financially feasible or doesn't make sense, or maybe someone needs more social interaction, well, let's pick out a community. And so many families go, oh, I promised my mom I'd never put her in a home. I'm like, look, we're not talking about a home here. These places are amazing. I mean, they've got a golf simulator, you know. So these they have happy hour every day, you know. Oftentimes it's not best to keep them at home alone, isolated with very few people coming in. So it's really having that discussion. What would be best if you have a really, really social person? What's the best place for that person? You know, I would just say start early, put a plan in place as part of the tools, understand what tools are available, and then go with those. Caregivers, you talked about caregivers. Bonnie, you know how difficult it is to be a caregiver. My dad was a caregiver, and it's it is crushing to see what happens to caregivers. Oftentimes, caregivers have huge health issues and sometimes they pass before the person they're caring for. I see it all the time. Mom had a stroke, she's exhausted for taking care of dad. And so I think just making sure that you're nurturing the caregivers, and there's so many resources, caregiver support groups and and all of that. So making sure that you're taking care of not necessarily just the physical, but the mental. The mental is is brutal because it goes from a spouse to a caregiver, and that's a huge transition. And and so nurturing them along the way is super important.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

The hardest part for me, and I'm I'm thinking some other people, you see the signs, you know that it's time, but again, the parent or the spouse or whoever is saying, no, I'm fine. I I got leave me alone. So what do you do? Angelica?

SPEAKER_02 20:00

Yeah, I think what Monica mentioned is is important as far as proactive. But as we're thinking about our aging loved ones in our lives, how can we start that conversation early? Like my recommendation would be if they live at home by themselves, what's their emergency plan in case of a disaster? So kind of having that conversation openly, and like Monica said, before the crisis, I encourage all families to do that with their loved ones and just kind of understand what their thought process is before a diagnosis, before aging changes the way that they're gonna live. I think families, I encourage them to have that conversation, explore the tools, like know what's out there. But if you haven't had that and you're now faced with these changes, you're doing it head on, I think, including potentially the doctor, who's their trusted, who is trusted individual that we can bring in to say, hey, this is what we're observing and we think you need help or we could do this. A lot of times, like we discussed earlier, if there's safety concerns, if there's other things that we can sort of put on our priority that we want to address, if they're frequently going to the hospital or if we're noticing, you know, their nutrition or they're losing weight, like those are things that we can present and say, hey, how do you feel about this? What are your thoughts around this? Now, if um I often always ask, is there a POA? Because depending how far along they are, then we can start kind of utilizing that support and saying, okay, we've tried to have the conversation. We, you know, have let it go this far, but we're feeling concerns and bringing so bringing in professionals, trusted professionals that either your loved one already knows, like a doctor, could be somebody religious, really anybody in that circle that could help kind of bring that conversation forward. Um, but it will really take a team, in my experience. And also if sometimes the family members already know, like they don't want a caregiver. So they tell us we're gonna come in as an assistant. So we We may have to get very creative in how we're gonna present the support to their loved one. Not a caregiver, I'm your assistant, I'm here to help you. They're not gonna wear scrubs. We're not even gonna bring up the word care. We're just gonna say they're a personal assistant. So oftentimes it's how we package it to the individual, but that really takes understanding what that looks like and then putting a plan in place to be successful. So it is a lot of work when there is that. But there's a way to overcome that with different sorts of strategies. Like I mentioned, could could I bring in a personal assistant? Could we bring in a care manager? I actually work with a client like that that had early stages, but she wouldn't work with the caregiver, but she would work with me as her care manager. So I would take her to her appointments, I would drop her off, I would do what I could to keep her at home and report back to her daughter who was in Colorado and would come visit her. I usually encourage families to start small and then we can always taper up. So it's it's really just kind of putting the pieces together, but there is no one size fits all on how to overcome that. It's looking at it and then coming up with a plan with professionals.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Monica, do you have anything you want to uh add to that?

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Yeah, I often get calls from families when they're just trying to figure out what to do. Let's let's put a plan in place. Again, maybe they're in crisis mode, maybe they're planning ahead. And oftentimes you can say, you know what, home care, it makes sense to bring in someone from a home care agency to help out. And oftentimes when I'm talking with the families, if there's a way that you can really highlight that, look, our goal is to ensure that you are safe. Our goal is to ensure that mom is safe. Mom's health is declining because of everything that she needs to do. So I think a lot of times, if you can help that person realize the effect on all of the other people that they love, and if that's affecting them negatively, that sometimes helps them realize because most people don't want to be a burden. And I'm not saying that they are a burden, but if mom's on the brink of having a stroke due to taking care of dad, dad probably would care about that, you know? Um, or if like with with my parents, and I I always bring up my personal experiences because it was, it was it was like this, you know, I don't want anybody in our house. But we're like, oh, you know what? They can do some meal prep or they can tidy up. Mom, I know you don't like to cook. So, you know, they can make some meals. And the first time it's like, oh, okay, well, they weren't that bad. I'm like, well, yeah, they're not bad. They're only there to help. And then if it gets to a point where they need to move, which it was with my parents, my dad would fall at two o'clock in the morning. And my mom couldn't pick him up. And so my brother would have to go over at two o'clock in the morning. And so my brothers and I were like, look, this isn't fair to Mark, my brother, who has to come over at two o'clock in the morning. You need to be in a place that if you fall, and I tell people, it's not like people stop falling if they move into assisted living. That's not how it works. But if they fall, there's somebody who can come right in and help them and help them go to the hospital if they need to, or something like that. So if you can preface it or frame it that it's all about keeping you safe and all of your loved ones around you safe. Nobody wants to be a burden. So let's pick figure out the best environment. So for my parents, I said, look, you are not going to this assisted living to wither up and die. You're going there to live because you are a prisoner to this house. You've got three steps at the front. You can't leave the house due to three steps. So you were a prisoner, you know, and your life isn't over. So go and experience more of life and look at it as a gift because you can do this. And so it's all about trying to frame the conversation that really is meaningful for that person. And it's it's always different.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

What are some creative ways when you know those keys have to be taken away? We had that experience, and it was a struggle. Uh it took figuring out how do you talk with them. Dad, you can't have the keys anymore, but that's his life, that's his freedom. So, what are some tools for how you approach just a simple situation? Like we've got to get the keys away. The driving has to stop. What do you do?

SPEAKER_03 26:24

Okay, Joyce, you just said that was a simple situation. That is the furthest thing from a simple situation. That is one of the biggest challenges of adult children. It feels like all of this role reversal. I used to do a lot with driving and helping families. But the best thing you could do, and Angelica mentioned this earlier, it takes a village. You bring in everybody, you bring in the doctor, you bring in the kids, you bring in the neighbors, you bring in everything, but you make it very objective and fact-driven, and you remove all emotion. You don't say, Oh my gosh, mom, you're a horrible driver. I can't drive with you anymore. You don't need to be driving. And a lot of people call me and they're like, oh, you know what? My dad's 85. He shouldn't be driving. And I'm like, but does he have any physical limitations? Has he fallen? Do you see any dings? No, he's just 85. I'm like, look, age does not dictate whether or not someone should be able to drive or not. If you have a fall within six months, that is indicative. There is a study that shows that could lead to accidents, car accidents. So it's just like being aware of range of motion. But Joyce, like you're saying, if if you go and you say, look, dad, I'm a little bit concerned. There are multiple scratches on your usually immaculate car. The mailbox has been run over. There's a fact, I was driving with you yesterday. We made that left-hand turn at the intersection and I was alarmed because there were cars coming. Have you considered potentially looking at alternatives? And I think what's really important about that conversation, Joyce, is having those alternatives available. So for example, I think it's $9,500 a year to maintain a car. That's car insurance, gas, and things. That's a lot of Uber rides. That's a lot of Lyft rides. They have Uber for seniors now. They have all kinds of options. So if you're going to have this discussion, have alternatives. Your friend Bonnie, she goes to Mahjong every Tuesday. Can't you ride with her? Going with a suggestion what alternatives could be. And then also information. There are articles that show family who had left their kids' house. The kids had their GPS, had the locator, but their phone died. They got lost driving home from their kids' house, ended up in this farm in Indiana, and froze to death because they couldn't find their way home. It's worth having that conversation, even though that conversation is incredibly difficult and one of the most polarizing conversations you may have outside of like an assisted living. But they go hand in hand. Driving is such a personal thing. When I start conversations, I say, remember your first car? Everybody has a visceral reaction. Oh yes, I named her Betty, you know? So it's a very personal thing and meaningful. But have the conversation and go with alternatives.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

Wow. Angelica, anything to add to that?

SPEAKER_02 29:30

Um, yeah, when you can't have the conversation because the person lacks the insight or just cannot comprehend what, you know, that approach, you know, sometimes we say, like, unplug the battery because hey, you can have the keys. You can have the keys, the car doesn't drive, right? And so kind of removing friction if possible. If the car needs to be worked on, could it be sent away and not come back? Uh, could it be moved? Uh so we kind of start looking at where is that individual and what do they understand? I recently was meeting with a doctor and he said he will send the letter to the DMV. So ultimately, you know, there's a very uh exact way to get it done. But I think looking at it from where's that individual at and and how can we address this in the least confrontational way if we have to? Like I once was at an assessment and the family was gonna go on a trip and the dad was gonna stay home and he had some cognitive changes, and they were like, How will he get the newspaper every day? And I was like, Well, can you leave a stack of the old ones? Like he won't even know, right? And so you eliminate sort of that and you just still offer, like Monica said, what is gonna what do they need? Because underlying all that, there's a need. All of us have needs, even when our cognitive changes. So meeting that need on a creative way, I think, is is oftentimes what we also uh recommend families to do.

SPEAKER_03 30:54

Delica, what she said too, that's really excellent for clients that have dementia or Alzheimer's. There are a lot of little the battery and all that, those are those are great tools. For people who don't have that and still have some challenges, the conversation, if they're not willing to give up their keys, because it's going to create all kinds of issues if the kids like, we're like, I'm just taking them. Maybe say, okay, at what point will you give up your keys? You almost like draw a line in the sand, okay. At what point are you willing to look at alternatives? Because it's not just about you getting hurt, but it's about anybody else. You could hit a kid who's running after a ball because you know, your instincts aren't as quick or your motor skills aren't as quick. So it's not about you and your independence, but it's also about keeping everyone else safe. You wouldn't drive drunk down the road. So you have some challenges. So it's it's almost like making sure that people understand what could happen. And there's lots of different stories about what has happened.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

So it's really amazing what we're talking about and and how we're having to kind of play these little tricks. So we've got all this stuff going on, and we know that there's a problem, and we've got plans in place, but then we have siblings. What happens when siblings or other family members disagree about whether help is needed or not? Take it away, Angelica.

SPEAKER_02 32:22

Yeah, I would say family dynamics. Um, they present themselves in aging, good and bad. Oftentimes our C is to be the objective person. So we try to focus on our client who is the adult. And then with the family members, we may try different approaches with each of them. So if you know, siblings don't talk amongst each other, we will be the mediator, we'll be the in-between. We will work with the family to come up with a cohesive plan. And then we will dictate, okay, do we need to check in every week? Some family members need constant communication, some just want email. So we ask them what their preferences are. We really start gathering the information of the team. And then if we need to make any professional recommendations, we do. So we try to work within that dynamic as best as we can to motivate everybody towards the same goal of the individual. And if there's siblings that don't want to talk to each other, we can communicate with them. We often also ask the individual who we are allowed to share information with because there is HIPAA, and depending on if the client is their own decision maker, we have to respect that. So even with family dynamics, we do have to look at the HIPAA protection and then who is the decision maker if it's not um the individual. If the oldest daughter is, she has she's been deemed the decision maker, we will, you know, work with her more closely, but we still work with the rest of the family and try to come up with a plan. But it doesn't always uh work out accordingly. So we we really try to help the family understand that if they can communicate more effectively, that will benefit their loved one. If in this situation, in this setting, we can just, you know, have these rules. So set up ground rules, set up what the expectations are very early on of the communication from the care team. I think that helps family members. A lot of them may have their, you know, own insight. And so then we just have that conversation, what we can and cannot do and try to include everybody as best as possible. But we have also had instances where we come in and there's very there's a list of people who cannot visit. So we we hold up whatever those boundaries are that the client has. Great. Monica, anything to add to that one?

SPEAKER_03 34:27

Yeah, this is a really tough one because family dynamics obviously vary. And I think it's very helpful to bring in a third-party objective if it's really, really challenging, if people just can't agree. Um, bring in somebody who doesn't have a horse in the race. A lot of the time can be spent too on education. There people think they know a lot more than what reality dictates. In some of these situations, you know, I may be working with a family and they're like, parents need assisted living, but my brother absolutely thinks dad needs to move into memory care. And I'm like, I know your dad. I've met him, and this is what memory care is. It's so it's educating a lot along the way, being very objective, bringing in a third party. And I see this all the time. A lot of times people forget about the seniors themselves, and they come in and they just take over. And I can see like that's not what they want at all. I don't care if you're a power of attorney. This person's completely capable and has capacity, include what they want in the mix. And so that creates so much strife in the family. It's almost like, do you remember when you were a teenager and your parents are like, no, you are not doing this? How you felt about that? Now imagine having that conversation as a grown adult being on this earth for 85 years, all of a sudden, you can't make your own decisions. So it's very important to also keep reminding the family to include the senior in the conversations and the decisions along the way.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

So, with that, when do you get to the point of realizing that that senior is no longer capable of making good decisions on their own behalf?

SPEAKER_02 36:24

Yeah. I have been brought into cases like that where there is no diagnosis. An individual lives on their own. It was actually the sister who called me and she was up north, and he's down here in Southern California. Um, and she wanted him to connect with resources because he wasn't working and just kind of establish a life. He was living on a property and there wasn't running water. And so she was concerned about his well-being, right? Older sister. So I came out and I met with him. He was open because he was needing wound care. He's like, Yes, get my wound care set up. He was a driver, he wanted to go back to work. Um, he was still making decisions for himself. Ultimately, I came to find out that he was a victim of a romance scam. So he would go online and he was sending Apple cards and all these things. And he thought Goldie Hahn was gonna come and pick him up and send him all this money. And he truly believed this. And I try to talk to him about it. I try to have him uh get off of social media, explain that, you know, every because every single time, you know, he would be let down, right? This is the scam, right? Oh, they're gonna come see me. And he believed it because they were offering him money. And he's like, if I give them this much, I'll get this much because they're celebrity. So he he was really had a lot of buy-in, unfortunately. So what I tried to do was have a discussion with him. He continued the behavior. I did have to call Adult Protective Services. However, he is an adult and he can make these decisions about his money. He can have poor judgment. And so I don't think that APS really went anywhere. I think they did call him and they assess and they said, okay, he's an adult. Because ultimately, APS isn't just going to pull an adult out of their life. That's that's not what they do. So, in in that instance, you know, it was really, we did everything we could, right? The family tried to support him, we had the conversation. So at times, you know, individuals do fall into these vulnerable moments. And because there isn't a decision maker, a potential was conservatorship, but the sister was already caring for another brother who had a special need. So she had two brothers. So she had a lot on her plate and she could not. So if there is a family member, oftentimes we're looking at do they already have documentation in place to advocate for their loved one? And then if not, usually it's the spouse. It's kind of de facto because if that person hasn't done the documents and they already have enough of a cognitive impairment that it's no longer appropriate for them to do that, then the family has to step in that way and you know, whoever that primary caregiver is. So in my experience, we try to help the individual, but if there's no sort of, you know, actual authority to make decisions on somebody's behalf, it's very difficult.

SPEAKER_00 39:03

Yes. Monica, anything to add on that?

SPEAKER_03 39:05

Yeah, one thing I'll add to that, and we've mentioned it a couple of times today, is be prepared and have a plan in place. If someone has a dementia or Alzheimer's, it's a progressive disease. People need to understand that early on and realize that it's not going to get better, it's only going to get worse. So at the beginning is when someone is completely capable, has capacitive capacity, have those conversations. Like, what do you want going forward? Give them the option of having what they want when they're capable of making the decision of what they want. Because if it gets to the point where they have been declared incapacitated, which is a nightmare, there's conservatorship and all, it's a nightmare situation. So you can prevent that and do it. Have your plan, have the discussions when someone's capable of having those discussions. And then that way you know what exactly what they want. So I think with everything, have a plan.

SPEAKER_00 40:01

Always have a plan. So for the adult child or spouse who feels frightened, guilty, completely overwhelmed, like I was, what do you want them to hear from you today?

SPEAKER_03 40:13

This is such a challenging time in your life, if not one of the most challenging times in your life. The sandwich generation trying to raise your kids and keep your parents safe. You're constantly pulled and you're constantly struggling, but you are absolutely not alone. There's so many people out there going through the same thing. There are support groups available for people, and there are resources. You just may not know about them. So reach out to someone like me or Angelica or Bonnie or Joyce and we can point you. Yeah, my goal is anybody who calls me, my goal is to help them in some way. I may not be able to help them personally, but I can say, you know what, you need to call Angelica, you need to call Bonnie, here's their number. So there are people out there who are who want to and are willing to help. So ask for help because there are lots of resources because it's such it's such a challenging time. It's such a challenging time. I was trying to take care of my parents who've lived in West Virginia. I'm in California. I had, you know, kids in school, and it's so tough. But there are resources out to help.

SPEAKER_00 41:24

Angelica, and then we'll have Joyce with the Foundation for Senior Services.

SPEAKER_02 41:28

Yes, like Monica mentioned, reach out. If you have a question, if you have a need, as a professional, we are here to answer and provide our recommendations. Then you can take and build on and work on. So if you're planning and you don't even know where to start, reach out to somebody that you can just ask a few questions. I think the sooner that you reach out for help, the better. We often, even in our professional setting, remind everybody just like in the airplane, you have to put on your mask first before you go help someone out. So really, we know the realities of caregiving and we have to equip ourselves to face those. Um, but really getting a team, asking questions. There's a lot of, I think, vulnerability in being a caregiver yourself, right? Because you're navigating all these things. So I also want to say give yourself a lot of grace. And you're more resilient than you think. I I have a front seat and seeing families navigate the aging journey, just giving the caregivers that feedback is really helpful to them. And I think they really value that.

SPEAKER_01 42:27

Joyce, the Foundation for Senior Services. Well, I'm just so honored that we have Angelica and Monica representing the kind of expertise that our foundation can bring to the community at every level of specialty and senior need. And it's just uh so empowering to listen to the fact that we do have a village with our specialists with so many support people out there. It does take a village, and we can't forget our caregivers because our caregivers need support, just as our seniors need that support. And I know, I think, Angela, you mentioned respite care. Don't forget about that respite care and taking a break, and most importantly, give yourself grace. You're doing a great job, and together we can get through that. And the journey of aging can be as pleasant as we can possibly make it. I remember my dad would always say, getting older is not for sissies.

SPEAKER_00 43:20

And we begin to learn that as we all age. So, in closing, thank you, Joyce. And yes, everybody, reach out to the foundation, uh, their wonderful organization. Any last words that any one of you just want to share with our listeners? Monica?

SPEAKER_03 43:36

First off, thank you so much for inviting me to participate today. This was a great experience. I hope it's really valuable to families out there. I hope now they realize that they're not alone. There are people, there are resources that care about their well-being and their loved ones' well-being. And so the foundation is a wonderful first stop for people who are looking for help and support. So thanks, Bonnie Angeles.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Thank you, Monica, for being here and Angelica as well.

SPEAKER_02 44:05

Angelica, any any uh Yeah, my last words would be that in the home home care or senior industry, we are 24-7. So please, if something happens on the weekend, it happens at night, we have people that are here answering the phones because we know that things don't happen between the hours at 8 to 5, Monday through Friday. So again, if families need support, reach out. The services are there, the resources are there. There's also a lot of books on Amazon, really great books that you can for your individual caregiving journey that offer you toolbooks on how to care for somebody, on how to create your home care plan. So there's a lot of things that you as a family caregiver can also look into and equip yourself online.

SPEAKER_00 44:47

Fantastic.

SPEAKER_01 44:48

And Joyce, any last words from you? Well, I think we've heard them all. Just uh in there, guys, and we're all there to support you, like uh Angelica just said, 24-7. Pick up the phone and reach out.

SPEAKER_00 45:01

Well, thank you, Monica and uh Angelica. It's been a pleasure having your guidance and expertise today and having this fabulous conversation. And for our viewers and listeners, thank you for being part of this conversation on Senior Primetime, and we'll see you next time. Thank you so much for being part of this important conversation. We hope today's discussion was meaningful and helpful to you. Special thank you once again to our guests, Monica Smith, and Angelica Lopez sharing their guidance and expertise. All of their contact information is available in the episode description and show notes. Also, thank you to Joe at Cost at Lower Mortgage for sponsoring this episode of Senior Primetime. Joe helps homeowners and retirees use their home equity, benefit their financial security and for. You'll also find Joe's contact below. Senior Primetime is brought to you by the Foundation Twitch Service. I'm Bonnie, along with Joe Troperts, and thank you for the time. Please subscribe and follow us so we can stay connected. And if you'd like to sponsor a future episode, we'd love to hear from you. Remember, these years can be your true prime time when you have the right information, support, and confidence to plan ahead. We'll see you next time on Senior Primetime, your place for real people and real conversation.