2. How to Build Confidence that Actually Lasts: This is Why You Don't Feel Confident

If you’ve ever wondered how to build confidence or why it seems to disappear the moment things get hard, this episode is for you. We’re unpacking what most personal development advice gets wrong when it comes to how to be confident—and why the usual tips don’t stick when life gets messy.

In this episode of This is How You Think, I share a personal story that sparked a complete mindset shift—and explain the subtle but powerful habits that shape how we show up for ourselves every day.

What you’ll hear isn’t about forcing positive thinking or pretending to be fearless. It’s about rethinking the foundation of confidence itself—and discovering what really makes it solid.

If you're serious about your personal development journey and want a more honest way to feel grounded and capable, this is the episode that can help you get there.

In this episode:

• Why confidence often disappears after small setbacks
• What most people misunderstand about how to be confident
• A new perspective on confidence
• Three daily habits that shape your self-perception
• How to stop rejecting compliments and start owning your growth
• The subtle body language that signals self-worth
• A mindset shift that helps stop the cycle of self-doubt

Transcript

Have you ever noticed how your confidence disappears the second something goes wrong? You hit one rough patch, you get one piece of negative or critical feedback, and suddenly you're spiraling. What if I told you this is happening because the version of confidence that you've been chasing your whole life isn't real? I'm about to explain confidence in a way you don't normally see out there.

This isn't motivation fluff, so if all of the usual advice hasn't really worked for you, this is the episode you've been waiting for. 

You're listening to This Is How You Think, the show that helps you understand yourself so you can have the life you deserve. I'm your host, Jule Kim, and this is episode 2. Let's dive in.

About a year ago, I was about to fly to London to give a workshop. And before I left, I FaceTimed my parents to say hi. My dad picks up, and the first thing he says is, wow, you look really tired. Make sure you wear lots of makeup in London. And then my mom pops in from the side and goes, and do something with your hair because it looks fugly. Yeah, they really said that.

This is pretty typical of them. Now, don't get me wrong, okay, because I promise my parents love me. If you don't already know this about Asian families, criticism is our love language. And in the moment with the makeup and the hair comments, I laughed because I actually thought it was super funny. But I also know that 10 years ago, hearing them say this kind of thing to me would have ruined my day. Maybe even my week.

And so I was telling my friend about this incident and she said dang, I don't know how you're laughing about this. Which got me thinking and reflecting about what changed. mean obviously something changed but I wasn't quite sure how or when. Which then kicked off a whole bunch of research, the results of which is why we're having this conversation today.

I've asked around 50 people how they would describe confidence. Most of them think that confidence is feeling good about yourself. And I was basically the same. I remember thinking that real confidence was feeling so powerful that even if life is hard, even if you come across people like my parents, you're not fazed. You're not bothered. But the million dollar question is, how does one actually get to that place?

Well, I'm a big ol' nerd, so of course I had to go look it up. I discovered the Latin root of confidence means complete trust. Okay, then how does trust work? So do me a favor right now and think of one person you trust. This is the person you know always has your back. How did you get to this level with them? Because that kind of trust doesn't come out of thin air. You don't usually feel it with someone you just met. 

You trust your person because they've shown up for you again and again. And this happens even faster if they've been there for you in the hard times, which really cements your trust in them. 

So if we think about you and how you feel about yourself, this means that self-confidence is actually about self-trust, by showing up for yourself again and again, especially during the difficult times.

And that's when I realized that confidence isn't just something you feel, it's something you do.

In other words, confidence is a habit.

Now, I'm going to give you a question and I want you to write it down so you can keep asking it even after you're done with this episode. If confidence is a habit, what are you actually practicing in your daily life? Really think about it. Because in any given moment, you're either moving closer to self-trust or to self-doubt. So which is it?

This is where I decided to do some research in my client files - these are normal people like you and me - and I found that there are three habits that make the biggest difference with confidence. Number one, what you think. Number two, what you say. And number three, what you do. 

Let's start with number one, what you think. I once had a client who never said no at work because she didn't want to look dumb. She was spinning a thousand plates and completely overwhelmed all the time because the story playing in her head was I have to do it all and all of it has to be perfect because if I don't, they'll see I'm not good enough. They'll see that I don't belong. 

This is the number one thought I hear from women.

If this is you, here's the key. You don't have to believe everything you think. You really don't.

It's kind of like that one slightly annoying friend who tends to repeat themselves a lot. When you run into them, what do you do? You say hi, you give them a polite nod maybe, you don't argue with them, right? You just move on. It's the same with your thoughts. Notice yourself having the thought, acknowledge it by saying, yep, I hear you brain. And then you move on by choosing a different thought.

And this is really important here. You get to choose what you think.

Whenever I have moments where I'm not feeling super confident in myself, what I choose to think is, we're all learning as we go and that's totally okay.

Let's move on to number 2, what we say. 

Several years ago, I meet this woman who somehow always has tons of free time. One day, I finally ask her what she does for a living. Turns out, she doesn't work because she has passive income from real estate. So I say, well gosh, that's pretty fabulous man. How did you do this? 

She says, I saved up for 11 years and then watched the market every day for over a year.

But this really wasn't anything special. I got lucky. And I remember my face when I looked at her, because I was like, what? Are you insane? 11 years of saving isn't luck.

For some reason, so many of us do this - we have this compulsive habit of downplaying our success. And we see this on the daily in how we handle compliments. Instead of receiving them like the gifts they are, we smack compliments down like we're allergic. 

Think of the last time you were given a compliment. Did you actually receive it and take it in or did you reject it? Be honest.

Because if you tend to always reject it, that’s a problem. Every time we do that, we're breaking trust with ourselves. We are teaching ourselves that we don't matter, that we don't have our own back. 

So here's what I want you to do. Instead of saying, I got lucky, learn to say, I did this. And if you need a reminder, one of my favorite quotes is, repeated luck is never luck.

And by the way, when someone compliments you, for the love of God, just say thank you.

And that brings us to number three, what we do, and more specifically, how you hold yourself. 

So right now, as you're listening to this, think about what you look like when you're not feeling super good about yourself, maybe you feel less than, or you don’t want to be noticed. We all do the same things, especially as women. Our shoulders hunch. We like to cross our arms and legs. There's no eye contact.

We're making ourselves smaller. 

And I used to do this too. I was the person you wanted to sit next to on the plane because you didn't have to fight me for the armrest like ever.

What I didn't know is that when you physically shrink, you're telling your body that you don't belong. So let's take a moment and practice the opposite right now.

Bring your head up, straighten your spine, pull your shoulders down and back, open your chest, and take the armrest. In fact, take up all of your space because it's yours. This is how you signal confidence.

Here's the last secret. Building these habits is only half the work. The other half is to stop the negative self-talk. Because you can work on these habits all day long. But if you're the one constantly attacking yourself, if your daily mantra is 50 shades of should, thinking you should be different, you should be perfect, that is worse than anything someone else could ever say to you.

It's like driving with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake. It just doesn't work. 

So that trip to London happens. It's a week later, and I'm FaceTiming my parents again from London. My mom gets on the iPad, looks at me and goes, your hair looks really good today. Is that a wig? 

I swear I can't even make this up. My parents are all kinds of special. But I don't take what they say personally anymore because I treat myself with kindness.

When you decide to stop tearing yourself down, that's the turning point. Because the truth is people will never stop judging you, but their words will no longer have a home inside of you.

No matter what other people might think or say about me, I know I always have me. I'm the first in line to have my own back because the world already has plenty of people who won’t understand you and won’t support you - the last thing you should do is add yourself to that group.

I also figured out that the negative self-talk, it was just a distraction. It was the smoke screen that kept me from focusing on the important stuff, like what it was I wanted to do in my life and all of the things that I already know. 

Like, have you ever thought about the fact that everything you know today is something you once had to learn? We weren't born knowing how to read or how to get a job. We figured it out. And we keep figuring things out, even when it's hard. And that's how I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are good enough. You are smart enough. You belong.

If you look at all of the people doing amazing things, they're not any smarter or more talented than you. They just decided to start. So stop being the one who holds yourself back. Pick one thing you know you want to do and take the first step. Just start. 

Because confidence isn't about getting the outcome you want.

It’s about choosing to try even when you don't know how it'll turn out, even when it's hard, because you trust yourself to figure it out along the way.

This is how you build trust. This is how you build real confidence in yourself. So do the hard thing and show up because you deserve it.

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with the people you know who need to hear this message too. Thank you so much for listening, and remember, I believe in you. See you next time.