Mental Toughness vs Mental Strength: What's the Difference? When Does Toughness Become Toxic?

What is mental toughness? What is mental strength?

Mental toughness can help you survive almost anything — but at what point does it start to cost you?

In this episode, we talk about the line between mental toughness and  mental strength, especially when boundaries feel impossible and self-abandonment starts to feel normal. When you're always the one fixing things, helping others, and staying calm under pressure, it’s easy to miss the impact that role is having on you.

This is a real, honest look at what it feels like to carry emotional weight that isn't actually yours. If you’ve ever felt like being strong means not having needs, or that setting boundaries makes you selfish, this episode might hit closer than you expect.

Topics Discussed in the Episode:

• The emotional toll of mental toughness
• Toughness vs self-abandonment
• How perpetually being a “fixer” becomes toxic
• Survival mode vs. actual strength
• The fear of disappointing others and its consequences

Transcript

Jule:

If you often feel trapped by other people’s expectations, or like you never get to do things just for you, this episode might change everything.

A lot of us were raised with the same unspoken job description:
hold it together, don’t complain, and fix whatever’s broken.

We were taught to be tough when things are hard, and help everyone around us - because that’s what being a good person meant.

That mindset eventually becomes your identity—and after a certain point in life, usually right around your 30s from what I’ve seen with dozens of clients, it turns into a prison that most of us don’t even know we’re in.

Today’s episode is a little different, where you’ll meet Casey, one of my coaching clients. She came in wanting to get tougher and better at handling pressure, but that wasn’t actually what she needed.

Her story is really common, so I asked Casey for permission to share our conversation, in case it helps you.

You’re listening to This Is How You Think, the podcast that helps you upgrade your mindset.
I’m your host, Jule Kim. Let’s dive in.

When I first met Casey, I was struck by her because she’s kind of a bundle of contradictions. She’s obviously smart and capable, and also a very kind and sensitive soul. She’s a problem-solver, a fixer. Basically, she’s the one you turn to when you need help. But despite being so generous and supportive, she’s had a lot of people treat her not so great.

When we started talking, this is where she went first.

Casey:
 “while I think I have a a tough exterior, apparently I really don't like being yelled at or being at the end of the the butt of being not being able to keep up with what people demanded out of me…
 …
I've just gotten so used to being told what to do, or being like yelled at that it's just a just goes over me now without even really thinking about it. And it made me understand that it was actually hanging on to me a lot more than I thought it was, and how much it it ties to the amount of hurt that I've kept going through my work career with.”

Jule:

I immediately felt a little uneasy because if you listen to what she’s actually saying:

• People yell and she’s gotten used to swallowing it. And of course she doesn’t like being yelled at, because who does?

Casey later also says something that stopped me cold.

Casey:

As one of my friends puts it, you're so good at working that you don't even realize when you're sad.

Jule:

Listening to her say this, honestly it hurt my heart. And unfortunately, this is a lot of people where we brush past our own emotions, and we rarely stop to check in, we just keep pushing through and moving on.

This reaction is pretty common. Many of us were raised to take the hit, rise above but also keep your head down at the same time, and above all else - do your work.

By this point, she had mentioned the tough a couple of times, so I asked what being tough means to her.

Casey:
 “So being tough for me has always been, don't show anybody that you've been hurt or upset for most of your life, because tough people always have an answer. They are always successful, and no matter what comes their way, they always have a smile.”

Jule:

This is when the alarm bells started going off for me. Not because toughness is necessarily bad because we do need it to handle challenges and the hard stuff. And on the surface, she’s describing mental toughness which many of us interpret as suppressing your emotions, pushing through hardship, and performing under pressure. 

This sounds pretty good, and it’s true that this mindset is sometimes useful.

But what I see with a lot of people, especially my clients, is that there’s no nuance, there’s no limit. So what Casey is actually describing, if left unchecked, is starting to veer into toxic positivity, which is the person who’s always saying I’m fine just be happy, or toxic resilience which is I can take anything, just keep going. 

Casey isn’t the first client I’ve had who thinks this. I’ve had other clients who took this to extremes and literally ended up in the hospital with a ruptured appendix or kidney infections because they kept telling themselves, “you know, It’s not that bad…I’m probably overreacting…I shouldn’t complain when other people have it so much worse….I just need to push through.”

And as a woman, I can say from personal experience that this sounds familiar because this is how I was raised, too. But I also think that this goes beyond being a woman because this mentality also holds true for a lot of immigrants and people of color.

There's a certain cultural conditioning that tells us to keep pushing on, never let them see you sweat, and not rock the boat, because this is how you prove you belong.

It’s how many of us end up in the same place with Casey. And in our call, she started off by talking about work, and then shifts over to talking about her family.

Casey:

I've been the problem solver for my family and a lot of the work stuff in most of my life,
 …
 And that was super, super tough, because I saw the outcome of having my family go through bankruptcy because of student loans, and I told myself… I made a promise to myself that I would do what to try and fix what I could for my family 

Jule:

Now we start to see how Casey feeling bad for her family is where the boundaries start to blur. This is also the critical moment when she makes a decision to take on the fixer role.

Casey:

I don't wait for somebody to go and tell me to do something and to go fix things. I usually just go and do it because that's how my family spoke to me growing up. There wouldn't be anything super direct. It would be something like, you know, that my mom and my dad would go, it would be great if somebody did X. 

And then I would just go and do it. At work, this is the same phrase a lot. It's like, you it'd be great if somebody could be able to do this. It's not the words, it's how people look at me and how they say it as they're talking to me that imply that it's like this is my problem to fix.

Jule:

I’m going to pause here and check in. How much of this sounds like you? Because I’ve heard a LOT of people say the same exact thing. They have people around them who kind of expect them to just do things.

So I asked Casey a simple question:

How do you know where the line is—how do you evaluate what is and isn’t yours to fix?

Casey:
 “Most of the time I don't, because it's usually somebody in a person of power over me saying that. So I don't really have… I don't have a perceived choice to be able to go and say it's mine to fix or not… it's either that or the door…
 So I guess what I'm saying is, is that it would be nice if there was a choice. I just don't feel like I have one.”

Jule:

Now we’re getting somewhere.

See, what’s interesting is that Casey is one of the most capable people I’ve ever met, but she feels like she has no choice. And I get it - power dynamics are real. But she’s convinced that her situation is so absolute that she can’t even have a conversation because she’s worried she would lose her job.

When this is how you think, you’ll usually do anything to make it work because what’s really driving this is the need to stay safe.

So of course you stay.
Of course you over-function.
Which is how you say yes to things that actually harm you, because you’re in survival mode.

But the thing about survival mode is it turns you into everybody’s shock absorber.

You become the person who:

• picks up every dropped ball even if no one asked you to
• smooths over every conflict
• Puts up with disrespect or other inappropriate behavior
  
  

…because that feels less dangerous than saying, “Nope. That’s not okay.”

And it’s even worse the few times we do try to say no, when people react in ways that make it unsafe for us.

Casey:

“When my parents moved it was, ‘Oh, we don't have room for our middle sister…’ and they're like, ‘Oh, well, you can take care of her a little bit until we're settled.’
 And I initially told them no. And it made all three of them fairly bitterly unhappy with me, even though I knew it was the right thing to say…

Jule:

It’s hard to watch someone like Casey go through this.

And just to make this super clear, it’s not for me to say how anyone should live their lives. This would be a totally different scenario if Casey were happy with how things were going. But she isn’t, which is why she’s working with me. And from everything she’s shared, it’s clear that people treat her in a way that she doesn’t enjoy.

Which is why I introduced the concept that you teach people how to treat you.

Casey:

“I didn't know that was an option.”

Jule:

This is when I realized what Casey calls "toughness" is actually self-abandonment. She's been so focused on keeping everyone else comfortable that she's pushed her own needs way down, to the point where it’s become automatic. 

That’s why she keeps saying she doesn’t have a choice. And if you’re listening right now, and you’re anything like Casey - I’m about to say something that you might not like, this might trigger you, but bear with me: 

Unless you’re a child or a prisoner, or a hostage, it’s rarely the truth that we don’t have a choice. 

What’s really going on is that you don't like the other choices on the table. For example, let’s say you have a crappy job. And yet you don’t like having to find another job, because it feels hard, or you’re afraid you can’t get another one, or that the new one is somehow gonna be worse.

So you stay. You choose to stay stuck.

And this holds true for our relationships with other people, too.

Casey:
“I do want to be able to maintain the relationships with people that I care about. I just know having people hate me for it would be, I guess the thing I wasn't ready to think about.”

Jule:

If you’re like Casey and most people on this planet, you don't like having people angry at you, which is normal, because it’s super uncomfortable. And stressful.

But this is where I say, so what? I remember a long time ago where my sister wanted me to bring home tennis rackets for the holidays, all the way to Alabama. I live in Washington state! I said no way - and she got pissed. She didn’t talk to me for two weeks. Obviously, that didn’t feel good, because we normally talked to each other every day.

It was the same thing with my parents. When I dropped out of law school, my parents were hugely upset. My mom called me human garbage. That was pretty awful - Definitely not a period of my life that I ever want to relive again.

But again, so what? In my book, people getting mad at you for you not doing what they want that’s probably going to happen every now and then. It’s a natural reaction. But that doesn’t mean you should give them what they want, especially if it’s not right for you. 

The thing is, if we're really honest with ourselves, a lot of the chaos we experience with other people is our own doing. because we have set the precedent that they will always get what they want from us - because we’re so afraid of the fallout we think is coming. And here’s the real truth - to some degree we are all afraid of people leaving us. We are all afraid of being rejected or abandoned. That’s a real thing. 

So we bend, we compromise, and we keep compromising on things we shouldn’t, which then starts to snowball. And guess what - People do not like change. So yeah, they probably will be upset if you start changing things especially when it doesn’t benefit them. Some of them will call you selfish, they’ll try to manipulate you, or they’ll exit your life.

I have gone through this myself with my family and my friends. I call it the people pleaser purge, where when you finally start putting your foot down and speaking up for yourself, you end up letting go of certain relationships, and sometimes almost all of your relationships.

Casey has spent her whole life avoiding this exact thing.

So far in life she’s been so tough, she can handle being yelled at, she carries everyone’s problems. And that tough mindset has honestly served her through school and work, and her family. It’s helped her survive.

But the problem is that being tough is all she has. When we’re talking about surviving, that’s fine, but if you want to move past surviving to thriving, it’s not gonna be enough.

See, toughness alone is like having a car with only an accelerator - you can go fast, but you can't steer or stop. What Casey is missing is strength which gives you the ability to choose when to say yes, or when to say no and walk away. Strength is what lets you say "this isn't mine to fix.” Strength gives you the courage to disappoint people when necessary, so you can honor your limits.

In everyday life, the opportunities to practice being strong are in

• doing the thing you’re most afraid of doing
• having the difficult conversations
• Accepting that people feel what they feel, even if they’re not happy with you
• And yet still making the choices that align with the person you want to be, instead of what feels easier in the moment

If we apply this to Casey or to you, strength would mean being willing to disappoint people instead of betraying yourself. It’s staying loyal to yourself because you know what’s right for you, even when people tell you otherwise.

Without this strength, toughness alone becomes dangerous. It keeps you enduring things that are actually hurting you.

That’s how you end up like the other women I mentioned earlier who landed in the hospital because they downplayed and dismissed very real symptoms. They were ignoring the hard evidence. This is why I say it’s really important that you know your limits because we all have them.

So whenever I'm trying to figure out if I'm being tough or just hurting myself, this is the question I keep in my back pocket because it points me in the right direction.

And it’s actually two questions: 1) is this the person I want to be? And 2) Is this the example I want to set for children?

How would you answer these questions? Especially number 2 - we put up with a lot of bullshit ourselves, but when it comes to our children, it’s pretty clear what’s not ok. That’s the standard I want you to hold.

Now, with Casey as we’ve already seen - she’s not just fixing things at work. She’s doing it at home, too.

She wants stability, she wants her family to be okay. And of course, we all do.

But the way Casey is going about helping people isn’t sustainable for the long term for herself, and she’s not actually helping her family stand on their own feet because she’s shielding them from the consequences of their own choices.

People will always do exactly what you allow them to do.

This is the part that always sounds “mean” especially if you’ve been raised to be the good son, the good daughter, the helper, the peacemaker.

But I’m not being mean - it’s basic human nature that if you remove every consequence from someone’s life, you also remove their reasons to grow.

And that includes your boss, your partner, your parents, your kids, and even your pets.

So at the end of the day - you gotta be honest and ask yourself whether you’re helping someone grow and become self-sufficient? Or are you creating more dependency? 

And if it’s the latter, I want you to literally think about what if something happened to you? What would these people do? It’s a real question, because you’re not really doing them any favors.

So after all of this - here’s where Casey landed:

Casey:

"While raw, it's helpful to hear this perspective. I've just been so focused on trying to become considered good, that I've really had no complete understanding of what's been happening around the world around me, just because I've been just trying to be considered an equal at work and have a secure home to walk back into.

Those are the things that I would be thinking about this coming week. Is that I don't need to throw away the whole foundation, all the people and all the things that I've done, but rather begin to start to see some of the things that you're mentioning and understand how I'm seeing them happen in real time."

Jule:

Casey's still figuring this out - she hasn't transformed overnight. But she is committing to awareness, which I love hearing, because that’s how real change starts.

She’s not letting go of toughness, she’s learning to pair it with strength so she can choose which battles are actually hers to fight.

And as I’m saying this, I’m realizing something that might actually be the takeaway for this episode. So we want to be careful that we are using our toughness in the right way. And given a lot of the stories that I hear from clients and just people in general, is that we tend to point our toughness in the wrong direction. 

We use it to put up with mistreatment and disrespect or even outright abuse. But that’s not what we should be doing. See a lot of the time, doing the right thing and staying true to yourself and your values - it’s not easy, because it comes with real consequences that can be hard. That’s when we need to be tough. 

Toughness is best when it’s used in the service of doing the right thing, especially when it comes to who you are. 

So strength is what you want when you’re making hard choices, and toughness is what you need for the aftermath of those hard choices.

Right before we ended, I told Casey something I want you to hear too: This only feels impossibly hard because you haven't developed your strength muscles yet. You've got endurance - you've proven that. But boundaries, disappointing people, having difficult conversations - these are different muscles entirely. And like any muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets. 

The first time is always the hardest.

So if you’re listening to this and you recognize yourself in Casey, I want you to sit with one question this week:

"What would you do differently if disappointing someone wasn't the worst thing in the world?"

It might be a project at work that everyone decided you would own.
It might be the emotional health of a parent, a sibling, a partner.
It might be this belief that it’s your job to keep everybody happy so nothing explodes.

Just notice it.
Name it.

You don’t have to blow up your life tomorrow.
You don’t have to kick anyone out, quit your job, or have a dramatic confrontation.

But if you’re unhappy with your life, then something’s gotta change.

And it starts with telling yourself the truth:

“This isn't mine. I've been carrying it anyway because I was afraid of disappointing them. I'm allowed to put it down.”

That's where real strength begins. We’re not replacing toughness - we’re completing it.

You only have this one life. You deserve to live it for you.

If this episode hit home for you, share it with that one person who’s always bending over backwards, because they think that’s what being a good person means.

Thank you so much for listening. And remember—I believe in you. See you next time.