Why My 2025 SUCKED, Here's What I Would Do Differently

Organ donation medical history questions

Transcript

Today's episode is a little different because I'm going to do a 2025 recap, but it's not like how you've been hearing it from probably every other person, because this was the hardest year of my life ever. And honestly, I wish I could do the whole “Here are the fabulous highlights of 2025 and all the amazing lessons I've learned,” but I really can't do that because it doesn't feel genuine.

It's been a lot. I cut ties with my closest friend. My favorite brother passed away. My dad was in the hospital. I've been sick on and off through this entire year because of chronic health issues. Plus I was under way more financial stress than I've ever had before. 

The yucky part is I'm still in it.

It's January 5th right now, and I'm still not done processing or even close to recovering. But I have been thinking a LOT and if I could go back and do it over again - not to change what happened because I can't control that, but if I could change how I responded - there are definitely some things I would do differently. 

So if you've been through a hard season yourself or you're still in the muckety muck right now, maybe some of what I share will help you see things differently or at least ground yourself better. 

And no matter what, even if you choose not to listen to the rest of this episode, I want you to know that I see you, I love you, and I'm so glad you’re here. 

You're listening to This is How You Think, the show that helps you remodel your mindset. I'm your host, Jule Kim. Let's dive in. 

I started off 2025 sick as a dog - I had the flu so I was sick for almost 2 months, and I also ended my closest friendship. 

She was the first friend I ever had where I felt this level of closeness and connection…like we just got each other. And I had never really experienced that in a friendship before, it was so lovely. Like I didn't know friendships could feel like that. 

We literally spent hours on the phone with each other every week, which wasn’t always a good thing because it's probably a big reason why neither of our businesses were where we wanted them to be. 

But over time it had become really toxic and codependent, and I knew it. I knew it for a while. She didn't always act with good intentions toward me. I saw it, and other people even told me she was saying things behind my back, but I kept extending her every benefit of the doubt anyway. 

For four years, so much of my energy was spent lifting this person up, and when I look back now I'm like, what do I even have to show for it? Not a lot.

So if you’re wondering why did I stay for so long? I was lonely. That's really what it comes down to. I was lonely, and she filled a need I didn’t know I had. And because I had never experienced that kind of closeness before, I didn't want to let go, even though it wasn’t good for me.

But the other reason why it took me so long is that I wasn't listening to myself. 

I had people in my life who had told me multiple times that I walked away from relationships too easily. They told me I was cold blooded or ruthless. So I gave their voices more weight than I should have. I judged myself by their standards. And I was thinking, okay, maybe they're right. Maybe I'm the problem here. Maybe I need to try harder. 

That's how I ended up staying even though I knew in the first two months that something was off. I remember feeling this insane urge to flee the friendship. And I felt it again several times.

But every time I talked myself out of it. And whenever I brought this up to my other friends, they told me that I was being too hard on her, it would be such a shame to let that friendship go. 

So I ignored my own inner voice because I was paying so much attention to what everyone else around me was saying. 

Even after everything, I still miss her sometimes because the connection was really special. I spent so much of last year grieving it, even though I knew it was the right thing to do for my own mental health. I guess that's just a part of life. You can know something isn’t meant to be, and it’s not good for you, and still grieve the loss. 

If I could do it over again, I would have listened to myself sooner, like the first time or the second or third time instead of ignoring it for the past four years. I have to take responsibility for that, because at the end of the day, no one can ever know better than you what you think and how you feel. It's just not possible. 

So that was how the year started, and I was already struggling with that. 

But then the summer came and my brother Jon passed away from a stroke. He was so young, about to turn 54, which made it really shocking for us. But it wasn't just his age that threw me. I was the accident, as in my parents were already 40 when they had me.

For most of my life, the loss that I've been dreading was my parents. It never even crossed my mind to think about my siblings. 

I still remember the feeling of talking to the doctor at the hospital and when he told me that there was no chance of recovery, I felt like a giant fist from the sky smashed me flat. 

If you've ever lost someone close to you, you know how this goes. There's no way you can prepare for this. There’s no amount of inner work that makes this easy.

Every day at the hospital was rough. We watched Jon’s visitors - his friends and children come and say goodbye. Everyone was crying, but I didn't feel safe to grieve in front of my family. 

During the day I was helping coordinate details and trying to make sure my parents were taken care of. But then the evenings would come and I would go back to my hotel room with my husband and fall apart. I did this every day for a week.

When it was time to go back home, I didn't know what to do with myself, because my parents were also coming to stay with me, so I didn't have the time or the space to myself to just be. I spent the next week and a half tending to my parents.

And sad to say, I resented it. I don't love admitting this about myself, but it's true. I felt like I had to hold space for everybody else and didn't have any for myself. 

I was lucky that I had friends who cared about me, who reached out, who tried to be there. I was being very cautious to not pour everything onto one person. I was trying to spread it out because I didn't want to crush people with my stuff.

So if you were to ask me, what kind of support did I give myself during that time? The main thing I ended up doing was talking through some of this in public. 

I made some videos about what it means to be an organ donor, because that's what we chose for my brother - he saved 5 lives. 

I also created a list of the medical history questions the hospital wants to know. The link is in my show notes if you want it too. 

I went on two podcasts with my incredible friends Chardet and Chris to talk about grief and spread awareness so that maybe other people can make different choices.

And while you can’t change the enormity of this kind of event, there are certain choices you can make ahead of time that will make the logistics around this a little easier, so that you can focus your attention where it needs to be, with the people you love, nstead of worrying about who's going to pay the bills, or trying to figure out whether this is what your person would have wanted. 

There's nothing worse than the feeling of, if only we’d had this conversation because now we don’t know what their wishes would have been. Or if only I had told them every day how much I love them. Because the last thing you want is someone to leave this world thinking you didn’t care.

Obviously, I'm still not done processing. It's only been six months, and grief doesn't work on a schedule. 

So if you're going through any part of this right now, I'm sending you a huge virtual hug, and I hope that you're able to carve out space for yourself and get the support you need.

I wish I had prioritized myself more, instead of just being the support beam for everyone else. There have been multiple moments this year where I felt like I was going to fall apart, and it was because I was completely depleted. 

But I couldn’t really take the time I needed because my business hasn't been doing so well this year. On top of that, I had co signed a loan for him right before he passed, which is why I took on work outside of what I normally do, because I had to pay the bills. 

And on the one hand, I think that a lot of people would say it’s admirable, that I would do whatever it takes. But on the other hand, I'm not gonna lie, because working with non-ideal clients has brought even more frustration and headaches and sucked more energy during a time where I don't have any extra. 

In terms of what I would do differently here, there are two things. 

Number 1: I would have been there for Jon more over the last 5 years, and I would have taken a picture with him the last time I saw him in April.

Number 2: I wouldn’t have let myself get complacent in 2024. I had a good year in business back then, which meant I didn't sow my marketing seeds properly for 2025. 

That’s why I had no buffer when everything came crashing down all at the same time. Had I managed this better, I would have taken time off for myself when I really needed it, instead of being forced to keep my nose to the grindstone just to keep the business alive. 

Side note: It's weird telling you about this, because I haven't really talked about this to anybody.

And you know what else is also strange is as I reflect through the experiences, I know I could have done things better, but I'm not sitting here beating myself up. 

Will I make different and hopefully better business decisions in the future? Absolutely. But I also feel at peace with myself as I'm talking to you. 

And maybe this has to do with how I got through the year as a whole, because what I did was focus on acceptance.

I wasn't trying to fight everything that happened. I definitely didn't love, or like or enjoy much of what happened last year, but I opened myself up to it. I tried to the best of my ability to let all of the events move through me, instead of trying to resist it. 

The one thing that really helped me through this year is something I also told my friend Cindy—this is supposed to happen. And I'm not trying to be all Miss toxic positivity here, but life is not out to get me. I'm not broken. Things aren’t going wrong. This is just life unfolding as it always does. And holding onto that is what let me process instead of resist.

But I know that coming to that place of acceptance is really difficult for a lot of us, because we don’t want to feel scared, or helpless, or grieve. It's hard to look at any of these things and say, this sucks but it’s just a part of life. 

I know I didn't do this perfectly. There were so many moments where I pushed when I probably should have stopped. I should have planned for more rest. So yeah, even knowing what I know about acceptance, there were moments where I didn't make the healthiest choices, but I was doing the best that I could, and sometimes that's all you can do.

Where I'm at now is a cautious level of optimism. I'm not on the other side yet, but I am coming into this year feeling some level of hope. I'm definitely not your zen Buddha who sits through all the suffering knowing it will pass. No, that's not me. I don't have all the answers. I'm just doing my best. I experience uncertainty, just like everybody else. I have moments where I really need to know what to expect. I feel a little bit fragile right now, so I'm much less tolerant of maybe other people's bullshit. And yeah, it is hard not knowing where I'm going to end up, but I do know that all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I have a vision. You can call me delusional if you want to, but one day I want a talk show. I want to be able to host amazing people, hear beautiful stories, share lessons, emotions, or wisdom and just help people overall feel less alone. I want to help people understand themselves better and where they belong in this world.

The hardest part is not knowing if the steps I'm taking are actually putting me closer to that vision or farther away, but I'll never know if I don't take those steps, and take enough steps so that I can see one way or another. There's really no way of knowing if you're going in the right direction until you're on your deathbed looking back, because that's really the only time you have 20/20 hindsight. 

But right now I’m not there yet, so I don't know, and that's okay.

The reason why I'm telling you all this is I just want you to know that life isn't always diamonds and roses for me. I don't have my shit together all the time. It's not even close. Definitely not after the last year I've just had.

I do think I handled this year better than I would have 20 years ago, not because I'm better than anybody else, but because I've put in the work to build coping skills, and I'm actually really grateful that my journey has brought me here to not only give other people grace, but also myself where I can fall down and not hate myself for it. 

I still have bad days where I’m angry, or sad, depressed, burned out, but at least I know that I'm not giving up.

So all of this to say, the point of this episode isn't really to teach or preach at you. I just hope you know that even when things are really, really hard, you can still keep showing up. I personally think that it's a win to say that I'm still here.

If you're still listening, I'm so glad that you are still here, too. 

I'm glad you exist, and I love you. 

So if you've made it to the end of this episode, I'm so grateful for you. Thank you for listening…I really mean it. 

As always, I believe in you. See you next time.