Finding Your Purpose: How to Choose the Right Career | Career Mindset

If you have no career direction, feel trapped by the golden handcuffs, and don't know what your next step is, I get it. I spent 39 years cycling through careers I didn't enjoy before I finally found my calling in coaching. In this episode, I talk about why so many of us end up stuck in careers we don't care about and how to find your calling when you don't know where to start.

Topics covered in this episode:

• Why we fall into careers based on convenience, money, or momentum instead of genuine fit
• How promotions and lifestyle creep make it harder to leave the longer you stay
• The real reason most people won't go after what they want (and it's not money or experience)
• Why we're more willing to fail at things we don't care about than risk failing at something we love
• An exercise I use with my coaching clients to identify what you're genuinely obsessed with, not just what you're good at
• How to connect that obsession to an actual career path
• Dealing with people who judge you for starting over (I've done it more times than I can count)
• Why quitting what isn't meant for you is an act of self-trust

If you've been wondering whether there's more to your career than what you're doing now, this one's for you.

Transcript

I come across a lot of people who don't really know what career they want or the next direction they want to try. And that’s because they make their career choices thinking it's gonna make them a lot of money. Now there’s nothing wrong with that, but this is also why my clients often have a breakdown somewhere between 35 to 45. Because by that point, they've spent so much time doing something they don't really enjoy and they just can't take it anymore.

On the other hand there are people who can just keep going. That’s my dad. It's not like his dream was to be a grocery store owner.

For him, it was just a way to make a living and keep the family fed and put a roof over our heads. It was all about surviving and supporting the family no matter what.

But I think many of us today we’re in a different situation now, where we’re not just trying to survive, we want to feel fulfilled, like we have meaning and purpose to our lives, that we are doing what we’re supposed to do during our short time on Earth. 

And you know you’re in this stage if your inner voice has been saying things like, is this all there is? Isn't there more to life? And you wonder, and you keep wondering, because it feels like something is missing.

This was me, which is why my work history is littered all over the place with all these jobs I kept quitting. I didn’t like going to work, usually didn’t like the work itself, and I remember thinking, oh my god there is something wrong with me. I must be freaking lazy. Why can’t I just buckle down and stick with something like my dad did? That is how I felt every day for 39 years until the day I found coaching. 

So if any of this sounds familiar, then stick around because today I’m talking through how I figured it out for myself and also for my clients.

You're listening to This Is How You Think, the show that remodels your mindset. I'm your host Jule Kim. Let's dive in.

So one of the weird things I’ve observed is that most of us spend our lives working at something we don't enjoy very much, but we stick with it because it's comfortable, and maybe it pays ok, too. I’ve thought about this a LOT, and I was like, why do so many of us settle? 

And I think it's because we're not taught in school or by society on how to think critically about how to choose a career, or on a deeper level, finding our calling. 

If you think about it, there’s pretty much nobody showing what all the careers and professions are out there, maybe there’s some job fairs in college or something, right. But even for that, it’s not like they show you how to match up the jobs you see at the fair with your personality, or how you tick. 

So we tend to go into the same professions that our families have or we pursue the same careers as our friends do because we don’t want to get left behind. This is why we just pick whatever's closest or convenient, because not knowing the next step is really scary.

And I totally get it. That’s how I ended up in law school and dropping out because I was like omg I’m gonna graduate college soon and I have no plan. Oh I know, I’m gonna go to law school!

I also chose writing and editing just to get moving, so I didn’t feel like such a loser doing nothing. It’s really not the best way to start your corporate career.

And once you fall down that track then the problem is you start making money, and then you make more money. You get promoted, which means even more money. 

You start to build momentum, AND you are creating a lifestyle that depends on that money, plus by this point your identity is pretty much attached to your work performance and status. 

So now the idea of leaving any of this to go find something else starts to feel really difficult, if not impossible, because you feel like you’re going backwards. And you’re probably also thinking, uh I don’t know how this is gonna look to everybody else?

This is how we end up specializing in something we don't really care about, because we stay and we keep staying.

And I think there are really two versions of this. Some of us stay because we don't even know what we would leave for. There's nothing pulling us in any direction, so there's no reason to move. 

But some of us stay because we actually do know what we want, but we are terrified of going after it. And we'll say it's because we can't make a living at it, or we have no experience, or we need health insurance. That’s a real thing I’ve heard from several clients. There’s like a hundred reasons we'll throw out there. 

But what it really comes down to is, staying in the wrong career is less daunting than putting it all on the line for something we actually want.

This is where our relationship with failure is really interesting. 

I have noticed that we're much more willing to try and fail at something we don't care about, because if things don't go well, we can always shrug and say, "oh well, I didn't really care anyway."

But when it comes to something we actually love, making it feels like life or death. So we back away. We cocoon ourselves in a life that wasn't meant for us, and that becomes our normal.

So much so that when we get a chance to actually do something that matters, we won’t do it because it feels vulnerable and scary af.

You might have felt this. You know you're not where you're supposed to be, but there’s no real support to help you safely transition into something new, so you don’t do anything.

Now I know there’s a lot of advice out there about being brave and following your passion, and omg most of that advice is useless. It’s like cool, that sounds great, ok but then what?

Nobody talks about the painful learning curve you’re going to go through as you progress into this whole new world. They don't mention the fear that constantly follows you, or the second-guessing.

We only see the stories AFTER someone has become successful, after the yuckiest, and the most bitter parts have been sanitized away with just a little sprinkle of struggle left in the mix to make it look believable. 

I hate this so much because that creates really unrealistic expectations, like this.

So three years ago I had a coaching call with a 24-year-old woman who asked me what happens if she still sucks at her new job 3 months from now. Those were her words, not mine.

I asked her what it would mean to her if that happened. 

She goes, "Then I would quit. And look for something else."

I reply, "What makes you think you should expect to be good at anything new by 3 months?"

She couldn’t answer.

At the end of the call, I gave her a little bit of advice I wish people had given me at that age.

When you start something new, you WILL be bad at it. That’s not a probably or a maybe—this is the uncomfortable, no bs full on truth.

There will be days, months, or even years where you feel all kinds of inadequate. You might be like me, where I cycled through depression and imposter syndrome for two whole years.

There will be times when the pain of humiliation, when you feel like everything you do or create is shit, and you’ll feel despair. You will think that things will never get better - and those time will really get to you. You’ll feel discouraged

And this will make you want to crawl away and hide somewhere and never come back. But you’ll also have times when everything goes right and you feel like you’re flying high on top of the mountain, but then it’s immediately followed by another low. 

The constant up and down of the journey is REAL. There’s no escaping this.

And yet, we're all in denial about the painful part of this experience. We don’t really talk about this. I bet you’ve never heard anybody out there talk about it like I just did. 

I think it’s because we don't know how to handle not being good at something, so we make it mean something bad about ourselves. Usually that we're not good enough to make it work. I went through this with pretty much every single career choice.

This is what causes us to give up too soon, too easily.

Because instead of seeing opportunity, we see guaranteed failure.

And as if dealing with your own mental bullshit isn’t bad enough, you also gotta deal with the people around you. 

I'm not gonna lie, people WILL judge you. That's the absolute, honest reality.

And they will say all kinds of messed up stuff.

I remember when I was shutting down my photography business, someone said to me, "Don't you want to make money?"

When I was about to quit Amazon, one of my coworkers was like, "But that's so much stock! You can't leave all that stock behind!"

And then there’s my favorite, when I stopped teaching marketing, one of my friends said, "You could be sleeping on mattresses of cash, but ok."

If you're like me, where you've started over many, many times, people will have opinions. You know my parents said I was ditzy, that I don't know my own mind. I’m like, well technically you’re right. They also said I have no grit, that I'm a quitter.

And I get why people say that, because my track record on paper looks pretty ridiculous. 

I started off college as an English major, switched to math, went on to law school, dropped out, went to corporate, tried selling two different MLMs, switched from copywriting to editing to content management to technical writing to product management.

I started my own photography business, I’ve done various types of marketing consulting, social media management, and now I do coaching.

Even now, people question the fact that I'm a coach all like, "Is this it, finally? Have you found your thing? Or are you gonna switch again?”

And I’m like, “so what? If I switch again why does that matter to you?”

I think people ask that because they think that continuously quitting things creates a habit of quitting, like it's a character flaw. 

I personally think that’s horseshit.

Had I not been willing to quit my previous jobs, I would still be stuck in a miserable life, hating every Sunday night, hating getting up on Monday mornings to go to a job that I detested, creating what I call a life of meh.

But people don’t see that, right? They’re not living your life. All they see from the outside is the quitting. And I say, let them.

Because the sooner you accept that people will think and say unkind things about you, but it’s not really about you, you'll realize it won't kill you. 

And that’s when it’s like a whole new level of life gets unlocked, because then you'll move on and do the stuff you actually want to do.

Now, you might be listening to this and you’re like ok I’m ready to deal with the judgment, but I don't even know what I want. Like, I know I'm unhappy, but I have no idea what I'd even go do instead.

Don’t worry, I got you.

I take my clients through an exercise that actually works really well for this, and you can do this too.

So get a piece of paper or a computer, something to take notes with, and I want you to write down all of the activities you genuinely enjoyed throughout your life. Stuff from childhood, your twenties, your thirties, your forties, everything up until now. 

And this is the key piece, ok? I don’t want you to list the stuff that you’re just good at, and not the stuff that got you praise or a paycheck. It has to be something you actually had fun doing where you felt really alive, and time disappeared. Write down everything that fits this.

Once you have your list, pick any one of the things and ask yourself, what is it about this activity that made me so happy? And then whatever your answer is, ask yourself again, but what is it about that? And you keep asking, what is it about that? What did that give me? You keep going deeper until you hit something that feels like a core need or a drive.

I get this sounds a little fuzzy, so let me give you an example. I had a client who loved playing defense in sports like basketball and soccer.

And at first, when I asked him why, he was like, "Because it's fun, like duh?" And then when I pressed him, he said, "Well, it's active. I’m getting out of the house, I’m getting exercise and moving around. I get to be around other players, and there's community.” I was like, "Okay, that sounds good, but I don't think this is really it."

So I kept drilling down with him. I kept saying ok and then what? What does that give you? He finally revealed he wasn't just showing up to play these games. 

This guy was spending his spare time, even time at work, looking up videos, studying plays and strategies, and building spreadsheets about the different players on the teams. 

For him it was all about watching the other person, trying to figure out what they were gonna to do next, anticipating their move, and then shutting them down.

You see what I mean?

This was the real juice. He was obsessed, and he was already doing extended observation, analysis, and prediction. Plus he had a competitive streak, which made it even better for him. This is what makes him tick.

So that’s the kind of thing you’re looking for when you do this same exercise.

But there’s one thing I want to mention here.

If you find yourself saying something like, "I should go into finance because it pays well" or "I'll get a certification in project management because it's stable." Your words show your choices are based on security. And that’s ok, but if that's the only reason you're choosing something, you might end up at square one again later.

So the goal is to find what you’re obsessed with, just like my client. Something you love doing, and that you’re probably already doing in one form or another.

And then you want to find the careers that use that thing you already do. This is me with coaching. I’ve always liked talking to people and getting to the heart of their struggles, and I have a very analytical mind that I get to bring to this. No other job has fully utilized my gifts until now. When I look back, now I’m like oh of course this makes sense.

This is why I always say the signs are already there. You just have to see them.

Okay so with all of that said, here's something else I want you to sit with. 

If you've given something enough time, then that's all you need. Deep down you already know if it’s for you or not. I’m asking you to trust yourself.

But make sure that you are giving it a fair chance and not confusing how good you are at it with whether you love it.

When it's right and you truly love it, you'll find that no matter how hard it is or how bad you are in the beginning, that love you feel is what gets you through. You might cringe at producing noob level work, but you'll also feel excited to learn the next thing.

And I’ve found that when you feel it at this level, you willl find excuses to do the thing, even if you're not getting paid to do it. That's how you know.

This is how I know coaching is my jam. I can’t not coach.

So if you know you don't love what you're doing and it doesn’t feel right for you, I need you to give yourself permission to move on. Quitting what isn’t meant for you is an act of self love.

It’s also how you learn to trust yourself. You are respecting yourself by listening to YOU.

And I’ll leave you with this last thought: If you can succeed in a career you don't even like, imagine what you could do with that same energy, that same willpower, and commitment towards something you actually love.

You deserve to honor your own path. Not everything is for you, and the sooner you learn that, the sooner you find what is.

Alright, that's it for this week. 

If you have a question or a topic you’d like me to cover, hit me up on LinkedIn or text the link in the show notes.

Thank you so much for listening. And remember, I believe in you. See you next time.