Ep 40: Relationship vs Hard Feedback

In this episode, recorded live from Australia during Dance Teacher Expo, we explore a powerful idea that every teacher, coach, and mentor needs to hear:

Hard coaching without relationship produces resentment. Relationship without hard coaching produces entitlement

This conversation dives into the delicate balance between building strong relationships with students while still holding them to a high standard. Whether you're a dance teacher, coach, or mentor, this episode challenges you to reflect on how you show up for those you lead and how that impacts their growth, mindset, and success. 

What You’ll Learn

•  Why relationship-building is foundational in teaching and coaching 
•  The danger of being too soft and unintentionally creating entitlement 
•  The impact of too much pressure without trust, leading to resentment 
•  How to balance encouragement and accountability effectively 
•  Why students need both belief and challenge to grow 
•  How to recognize if you are leaning too far on one side 
•  The importance of aligning your coaching style with your students’ goals and potential

The real growth happens in the middle.

When students know you genuinely care about them and refuse to lower the standard, they rise. They work harder. They trust you more. And they begin to see their own potential more clearly.

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Relative Motion: https://www.instagram.com/relativemotiondance/
Youtube Relative Motion: https://www.youtube.com/@relative_motion

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to It's All Relative, the podcast where dance technique meets purpose, progress becomes visible, and passion fuels the path forward. I'm Kara Dixon, co-founder of Relative Motion, and our team is made up of professional dancers, teachers, and choreographers here to make high-level training feel doable, measurable, and exciting again. Whether you're a teacher searching for fresh cues, a dancer craving more clarity, or a studio owner chasing a bigger vision, this space is for you. Each week, we'll break down complex technique, dive into real studio strategy, and share tools that spark transformation from the inside out. Because in this community, we train with intention, we lead with love, and we know that better dancers start with better teachers. So let's grow, let's move, and let's rise together. Because at the end of the day, it's all relative. Hey friends, and welcome to a new episode of It's All Relative. Today I am so excited because I am recording this in Australia. I'm here for the Dance Teacher Expo, which is always an incredible event. And I mean I say always, I've been here. This is my second year, so we came for the first time last year, and it's just amazing to teach for the teachers over here in Australia. It's amazing to feel a different type of energy, you know. Every country is different, and even every region within a country is different. And so it's just always amazing to meet new people, to be a part of a new culture, and just to thrive in another dance community. And so Dance Teacher Expo just ended. We did a teacher certification here for a group of teachers the day before Dance Teacher Expo started. And I have a few more workshops before I head home. But I wanted to get on and record this episode. I thought this was a great topic because I was scrolling through social media, and sometimes social media can be so polarized a little bit. It's very emotional. You see things and like it can get you worked up or can get you inspired or it can challenge you or it can pump you up. So I saw this quote and I'm gonna share the quote with you, but I just thought it was so pivotal. It's not written specifically about our industry, but it's written about coaching. And a lot of times as teachers, we are teaching, yes, but we're also mentoring and we're also coaching. And so I thought, man, you know, this quote really hits close to home. And I thought it would be great to dive into that with you today. And so the quote that I stumbled upon on Instagram says, hard coaching without relationship produces resentment. Relationship without hard coaching produces entitlement. The sweet spot is a player who knows you love them and knows you will not lower the bar for them. And I thought that was really great because there's just so many aspects of teaching that can be really difficult. In our last episode, we talked about as teachers really defining our why, really knowing why we show up to teach, really knowing on the hard days, what's getting us through, what's going a little deeper for us, what is our true passion, why do we even get started doing this and plugging back into that so that we can keep that inspiration going, even when the days can be difficult or even when maybe a certain child or a certain family can be difficult. And, you know, we kind of laugh because there's always somebody, you know, or always something that we're dealing with. And so it's just part of the job. It's just part of the role we play in teaching. And so I thought this quote was really great because it reminds me that in dance a lot, it's hard because you don't want to be the mean teacher, right? But we also want to be holding our dancers to a certain standard. And we talk about this a lot at Relative Motion, where it's not just holding our dancers to a certain standard. We also want to build belief in them. We want them to want to get to that next level because they can do it and because we see that in them, even when maybe they don't see it in themselves. And that's the first step is building that belief, building that confidence, building that trust in the dancer. But I think the interesting part is that that is this mixture with relationship, right? Building the belief and building your dancer's trust in themselves and building their confidence, it's also part of developing that relationship, right? You are encouraging them, you're making your dancer feel a certain way when they come into the studio. You're doing life together in this time that they're with you. And so, as a teacher, a lot of times your students, they'll go to school and they might, if they're in elementary school, they might have their teacher every day for the year, but then they go to a new teacher the next year. If they're in middle or high school, they're probably going to their teacher a few hours every other day, and then they have that teacher for a year, and then that teacher they no longer have. So outside of their family, we probably have the most impact on those dancers because we start them when they're little and we have them every day, year after year after year after year. We're so consistent. And so a big part of the teaching process is really having a relationship with our students, really having that trust, really having that confidence between that teacher-student relationship where we're building the confidence in them and they're learning to trust what we say and trust what we believe for them. And so a huge part of this is relationship. Now, in the quote, it says, relationship without a hard coaching produces entitlement. So if you have a dancer and you're really close with them and you encourage them all the time and you put them in the front and all this stuff, but there's no moment where it's hard, where you have to ask them to go to that next level, where when they're having a rough day, we have to say, no, I expect more from you. And I know right now it's not looked upon, right? We're trying to cater to the emotions of the dancers. We're trying to nurture them almost to the point of over-protecting sometimes. Like, how are you feeling? Okay, you're a little tired. And so hard coaching is like, no, you can do more. No, you can do better. Hey, you're not doing your best. I know that you have more in you, and I expect that from you. And when we have the relationship, when it's all the encouragement and all the confidence building, but we don't have the hard coaching, that's when the dancers feel entitled to something they never earned. They go to competitions, they don't understand why they didn't win, they have a bad attitude when they're pulled to the stage, but they haven't practiced earning that in the studio space, and we haven't asked them and we haven't expected them to do that in the studio space. So now, in moments where they could potentially have opportunity, they have all the aspects of the relationship. They have the encouragement, they have the confidence, but they've never had that hard coaching. And so they feel resentful, they feel entitled to more. They don't understand why they're not getting the accolades that other dancers are getting, but they haven't been asked to do that. They haven't been expected to step up that high. And so it doesn't line up. The other part of that is hard coaching with that relationship produces resentment. So if you're always going hard on your dancers, like, I expect this, I want this, I want this, but you haven't built belief in them, you haven't nurtured them, you haven't helped to gain their trust in you, and you haven't worked to build their own confidence, then they're gonna resent that. They're not gonna love coming to the studio. They're not gonna look forward to being in an environment where it's all hard coaching, it's all pushing, it's all demanding without the reciprocated encouragement and nurturing and belief. Hey, I see that you can do that. I know you don't feel like you're doing it yet, but the potential is there. We're gonna get you there. We're gonna get you there together. That's the relationship aspect of it. The hard coaching aspect of it is hey, I know you can do better and you're not doing better. So we have to step into that. I know these are your goals. In order to reach those goals, this is the hard truth. This is the work it's gonna take. This is what you have to do to get to those goals. And if you don't do that and you don't get the scholarship or you don't get this award on your solo, you have to know it's because you didn't work for it, because you have the potential and you're not stepping into it. And I think that's healthy. And I know sometimes it's like, no, everything needs to be about encouragement, everything needs to be about support. But really, at some point, dancers have to feel the little resistance and they have to want it so bad that they push to that next level. If everything's easy, the goals don't come, right? If everything's easy, they're not probably pushing past their comfort zone because that's when it starts to get really difficult. That's when it starts to get a little gritty, that's when they need a little bit more pressure, a little bit more like, let's do it. These are your goals. And if you don't feel it, let's try to hit it anyway. Now, obviously, we're not talking about doing stuff with our dancers that is unsafe. We would never ever say that. If your dancers are on the verge of an inner injury, if they're exhausted, we are not asking that. We're honoring our dancers, we're protecting them. But if they are just not living up to their potential, that's when the hard coaching comes in. And then it says the sweet spot is a player who knows you love them and knows you will not lower the bar for them. And that's when kids, like you'll see this as a parent, kids really thrive. When they know everything you're doing is because you would sacrifice the world for them. You love them, you would do anything for them. However, these are the expectations, and this is what I know you can live up to. And so I'm gonna call you to do that. I'm gonna call you to fulfill your potential. I'm gonna call you to be your best self. I know that some days are gonna be hard and some days are gonna feel like a wash, and you're not gonna feel like doing that. Even as adults, that happens to us, right? So, even more so it happens for kids when they don't have the tools in the toolbox. And so loving them, encouraging them, nurturing them, honoring them, understanding when it's time for a break, but then understanding when they're just not living up to their potential and it's time for us to move the needle and help them and really hold them to a standard that matches the goals that they have. And so I love that quote. I just thought that was really awesome. And I wanted to challenge us as teachers to deep dive. When are we going into the studio and we're like a little bit too much on the hard coaching side? Maybe we were personally having a bad day and we're like, you know what? My dancers better come in and be ready. My dancers better not push me. My dancers better, this and that. And it's more about us and less about, okay, this is the goals that they have, this is the steps to get there. It's gonna take a little bit of persistence on my end and their end, and I'm gonna hold them accountable to that, versus we're having a bad day and we're just taking it out on our dancers. That's when the hard coaching without relationship happens. And so thinking about times and patterns, are we more on one side than the other? None of us are perfect. So, have we gone so hard on the hard coaching that we've lost a little bit of that nurturing, a little bit of that more guidance and mentoring and relationship building? Or has it just been a season where it's been hard and you're like, I'm not gonna hold that standard anymore? I'm just gonna let things go. I'm just gonna be like, all right, whatever. You're not gonna dress out, you can sit out. You're coming late, okay, fine, whatever. And we're just all about checking in and encouraging, but we're not really holding a line. There's no real standard that we have. So where do we sit? And this is often like a sliding scale, you know, sometimes we're more on one side, sometimes we're more on the other side. But what kind of season is this for you? Where are you feeling like you sit in this season? Do you feel like you're phoning it in and like just okay, I really love and appreciate my kids, and that's all that matters. I'm just gonna let everything go. Or are you like, I'm really struggling? I'm gonna put my foot down on literally everything. And as studio owners and as teachers, I think this is when we piggyback on last week's episode of Finding Our Why. What alongside of that is our vision? What do we want for our classes? What are some real tangible goals we want to see our dancers meet? If we have privates or we have soloists, do we have vision for them? Do we know what their potential is? And are we, as teachers, holding them accountable to what their goals are and what we know they're able to do? Because really, sometimes when we let kids off the hook, so to say, we're really doing them a disservice because we're hired as our dance teacher to get them to fulfill their potential. What are they capable of doing? And are we, as the adults that are being hired, are we qualified to get them there? And if we are, it's a huge disservice to just choose not to. And there are days that are gonna be hard, and there are days when you're gonna have resistance of coming against them with hard coaching. Are we willing to do that? Or are we willing to let them release their dreams because it's really hard for us to ensure that on the bad days they still hold a standard, that they still step into their potential? It's just a lot of things that I've been thinking about since reading that quote. And I am so curious what you guys are thinking, what you guys are going through, and where you feel like you sit with your dancers. And do you feel like there's certain dancers that you're more likely to find that happy median with? I think it's pretty natural, it's probably human nature to have certain dancers that we connect with, and it's a little bit easier to do the hard coaching with relationship. Based on their personality type or their work ethic, it's probably easier to have that type of relationship and coaching work together. Whereas there might be some personalities or some work ethics of other students that just make it a little bit more difficult. And I'm curious, based on our personalities, do you find that certain aspects of your personality make it easier with certain dancers? Or can you think back to your childhood? And are there certain teachers that you're like, man, I had more of this or had less of that, or I had this perfect mix with this teacher? I'm gonna tell you when I moved to New York City, and this is just a quick personal story, but my best friend, she lived there, and she's a dancer as well, and she was like, You're gonna love this class. She was recommending a teacher. She was like, You're gonna love this class. You have to go to this class. And she had recommended another teacher as well, and I loved the other teacher's class. And so she's like, Oh, you have to get in this class, it's gonna be so good. She's one of my favorite teachers, you'll absolutely love her. And my best friend was really big on technique too. So I was like, Okay, I'm going, I'm excited. So I went, I was excited to take this teacher's class, and the whole thing to me was really frustrating. I mean, there were so many things. It was like the warm-up was kind of a preset warm-up that everybody knew, and I was like, I don't know this. But I started getting corrections during the warm-up. I was like, these combos are really long and everyone seems to know them. But I got a lot of feedback. And then we went into the next part of class, and I felt like I was getting tons of feedback. We went into the combo part of class, I was like, oh, I was like, no, this is not for me. So I got in touch with my best friend. I was like, no, I really didn't like that. I don't see myself going back. I let it sit for a little bit. I go back to her class. Let me tell you that in the years living in New York City, she is my favorite teacher. Like, I went to her class multiple times a week. I did not want to miss her class. I loved the hard feedback. I loved the fact that once I was there for longer, I could see how much she cared and how much attention she paid to students that she saw something. She put that extra time and attention. And it was hard. The first time I walked in class, I was like, oh, it's hard to get this kind of attention the first time I'm in class. But as I was there time after time after time, I was like, wow, she really cares. And it started to be that she took the time and we got to know each other more and she asked me to be in her company and all these things and her choreography. It was just really special. But it reminds me of this because it's like there was the hard coaching. I wasn't quite ready for that, even though I came from a background of having really difficult teachers. I just didn't expect her my first time walking in. But then there was also the respect and the relationship that came, and I wanted to live up to my potential because there was the perfect balance of the feedback and the relationship. And I thought, man, if I felt that way as an adult, then I'm sure kids feel that same thing where I respected her so much because of the way she presented the positive and the tough stuff. And it just made me want to work harder. I was like, okay, she believes in me, so I know I can do it. And it also gave me so much more respect for her as a teacher. And I've told her since then. It's been such an inspiring thing for me as a teacher to remember that she was one of my favorite teachers. I loved so much. And how I felt and how it made me want to work harder. It made me want to do better when I got the feedback and when I knew it was for good. And when I knew it was for stepping into something better, more potential, more growth. Then when it comes from that good-hearted place, you just are so inspired as a dancer to step into it. And so that reminded me of the quote. The quote reminded me of that story, but I would love to know what that pulls up for you guys. So, anyway, I hope you enjoyed this and have a wonderful week. I'll talk to you next time.