Ask Anne Chester™: Therapy Talks

The Art of an Apology: Repair Begins Where Control Ends

Anne Chester, LCSW Episode 6

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0:00 | 14:12

What is the Art of an Apology?

Ever been handed “I’m sorry you feel that way” and left wondering why it made everything worse? We go straight to the heart of repair—what a real apology is, how to make one without excuses, and how to protect your mental health when the apology you need never arrives. Anne shares a candid personal story of making amends after causing real hurt, then breaks down a clear, humane framework: name the harm specifically, acknowledge impact, invite correction without defensiveness, express genuine remorse, ask how to repair without expecting a reward, and back it up with changed behavior.

From there, we dig into the psychology of non-apologies—performative scripts, “I’m sorry, but…” defenses, and vague pleas to “move on”—and why they erode trust instead of restoring it. We talk about timing and consent, and how pressuring someone to forgive on the spot can re-wound them. You’ll hear practical language you can use, plus guidance for staying grounded when tough feedback lands. The conversation centers autonomy and boundaries: you don’t get to control someone’s feelings, and they don’t get to control your healing.

We also tackle the hardest part: when sorry never comes. Waiting can turn into a power struggle that drains your peace. Learn how to set clear boundaries, redefine or end relationships, and find a posture of “I wish you well” without minimizing harm. We draw a firm line on safety—no one owes an apology for being abused, and the priority is staying safe and getting support. Whether you’re offering repair or grieving the apology you won’t receive, this is a roadmap for integrity, clarity, and closure that doesn’t depend on anyone else’s choice.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review to help others find these tools. Your story might be the spark for someone else’s repair.

To learn more about Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling visit:
https://www.AnneChester.com
Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling 
122 River Oaks Drive 
Southlake, Texas 76092 
817-939-7884 

Welcome And Topic Setup

SPEAKER_01

You're listening to Ask Anchester Therapy Talk, the podcast where life's tough moments meet real talk, a little humor, and the expertise of Anchester, licensed clinical social worker. Anne helps Texan women in the middle of life navigate anxiety, depression, and trauma with compassion and a no-nonsense edge. If you've ever thought there's gotta be a better way, you're in the right place. And good news, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anne. Because, as she says, it doesn't have to be that way. Now, let's dive in.

SPEAKER_02

What happens when the apology you need never comes? Anne breaks down the psychology of repair, accountability, and how to move forward when someone won't own their part. Welcome back, everyone. I'm Sophia Yvette, co-host and producer, back in the studio with Ann Chester, licensed clinical social worker. Anne, how's it going today?

SPEAKER_00

It's going well. I'm so excited about this episode, Sophia. It's an issue that's near and dear to my heart.

Anne’s Story And Why Apologies Matter

SPEAKER_02

Yes, me too. So, Anne, let's dive right in. Today's question is what is the art of an apology and what do you do when you're not going to get one?

Performative And Defensive Apologies

Steps Of A Real Apology

SPEAKER_00

So I have to say that the apology, um, the art of the apology is something that is really near and dear to my heart, and it's a life lesson that I personally learned quite a bit about a few years ago. I actually wounded someone that I have an immense amount of love and respect for. Um, and like really, really wounded them and needed to apologize and spent a good amount of time in the literature reading about how to make an apology. You know, I have children, I've taught them when they take something that's not theirs, or they hurt a friend's feelings, or they accidentally break something, they're supposed to say, I'm sorry. I suppose that we could call that the performative apology, that it's just this action that we've taught our kids. And it may or may not repair. It's it's just a socially appropriate behavior. But in my case, where I really wounded this person, like really wounded them to the core of who they were, someone that was trying to help me out, someone that loves me. And I I was just so unkind. Finding this space to apologize to that person when they were avoiding me, and rightfully so, but two, how to make that apology was so important to me. Not because I ever hoped for the relationship to be restored. I knew that sometimes things don't happen. Now, here we are a few years later, and is the relationship what it was? No, but it's intact and there's mutual respect. And I think that's something that I can be really grateful for. But the first thing I started reading about was what it is is an apology that falls short. We've all been told, I'm sorry you feel that way. And that is just about one of the rudest things we can say to each other as human beings. If I choose to say that to someone, that's my way of setting a very large boundary of get out of my space. And it has absolutely nothing to do with personal remorse. It has more to do with my feelings or why I feel that their feelings are ungrateful, inappropriate, and you know what? I'm not in their body, and I don't know what's going through their head, and I have no control over those feelings. Another one is I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but you're too sensitive. I'm sorry, but you misunderstood me. Those are defensive apologies. That's me saying to you, this really isn't my fault. I'm not gonna take accountability. I'm just gonna say a performative word because it's socially appropriate. And that doesn't mend a relationship. That's not gonna get you anywhere. We are not anybody's personal Holy Spirit, we are not anybody's insight police. Those are things people have to find in and of themselves. And when I step into that role of let me tell you what you should be thinking or why you think what you think is wrong, or why you deserved the treatment that you got, we're violating personal autonomy, and we are stepping into a role that crosses their boundaries as well as ours. Um, and the other one is a vague apology. It's just that thing of, I just want to move past this. I don't want to take personal responsibility for my behavior. Um it's it's just I'm I'm sorry for whatever happened. Let's just move on. It's not an attempt to repair. Now, an apology doesn't have to be particularly long. It can be. Sometimes you need to give a long apology and spell out exactly what you did. And sometimes I'm sorry I treated you so unfairly. Will you forgive me is enough. So a real apology has a few steps. First and foremost, it's going to acknowledge exactly what you did. I'm sorry that I said these unkind words to you. I'm sorry that I assumed the worst of you when you did this. I'm sorry that I blamed you for something that wasn't your fault. Um, I'm sorry for behaving like a petulant toddler. You didn't deserve that. The next step is how you perceive it affected them. And you may not perceive that right. You may have to give them space to correct you. That's when it's hard to not have your defenses up. We all want to put our defenses up because we don't want to hear that. It's painful. They may have to tell us how it affected them. We may not like it, but it's better to say, I accept that and please forgive me for the actions that I have that that brought that to you. You know, because we're not, again, in their heads and we're not in their bodies, and we don't experience their lives. We don't have their history, we don't have their small and big T trauma history. We just are a person that happens to be in their life. And even though we might know what that person's trauma is, we may not. We may not fully know, and we may not fully know the impact. The next step is I want to express genuine remorse. And that looks like something like, I am so sorry I behaved like a petulant toddler. I'm so sorry I was unfair to you. Is there anything I can do to make it right? Um, is there something you need from me for repair? But it needs to be a way of saying, I'm here to repair, and I expect nothing in return. And that's what's really important. One of the other things I think is really important is I've been on a receiving end of apologies where someone demanded from me an answer as to whether or not I forgave them right then. And I'm a fairly forgiving person, but that put me in a pressure point where I had to process a bunch of information that had been thrown at me unexpectedly really fast. And I wasn't ready to say yes, but I felt pressured to say yes. So it's okay to say, I hope you will forgive me or will you forgive me, but don't sit there and demand that that person answer that right then. Give them some space to process what happened. You were ready to apologize. They may not have been ready to receive the apology, and they have to do something with your words, and there is going to be a whole load of feelings that come up with that. So all we really want to do is I harmed you, I was wrong. This is how I harmed you. Is there any way I can make it right? And I hope you can forgive me, and then change your actions. True apologies come with an action change. People know that it's legit when you don't go back to the behavior.

Pressure, Timing, And Consent

SPEAKER_02

Wow. That's all very helpful information. Another question for you How does the unresolved hurt affect our mental health when apologies are withheld?

Change Actions To Make Repair

Mental Health When Sorry Is Withheld

SPEAKER_00

So I and I alone am responsible for how I react and respond to things. And I and I alone are responsible to set and maintain boundaries. When a person hurts me and people are inevitably going to hurt me, I need to take the time to process that myself. My goal, my personal goal, and what I encourage my clients is to find that sense of shalom. I wish you well. You know, I cannot force someone to apologize. I can only take care of my mental health, and I take care of my mental health through setting boundaries, finding a place of I wish you well. You know, when I go back and I try to contain it and rationalize my behavior or contain what they did and rationalize their behavior as if some explanation is going to get them to have insight. I've just entered a power struggle with that person, and that goes nowhere. So the work of forgiveness is mine and mine alone, and I need to determine how to wish them well. Sometimes that is a boundary of, hey, this is the end of the relationship. Sometimes it's a boundary of I'm going to extend a grace and kindness to this person, but I'm not going to share as much as I used to. The relationship is going to change. There are many, many ways that we can respond to that. At the end of the day, you can't make someone apologize. You have to decide what to do with your hurt. Another trap we run into when we feel we are owed an apologize, apology is then we panic. Well, maybe I did do something that caused them to act that way. Oftentimes that falls into codependency. There is a time and a space that we don't apologize. And that's really important. You know, if you are in an abusive situation, I don't care what you did. I don't care if you screamed and yelled or if you picked your nose wrong. If you are being abused, you don't deserve that, and you don't apologize for their reaction of abuse. That is their issue. And it is best in those situations to take steps to stay safe, seek out a professional, find what you need to do to be safe. We also don't want to apologize to be manipulative to get our way. It's not transactional. I apologize to get this in return. We don't apologize to people, please. Apologies are really about I harmed you. And when someone apologizes to you in that legitimate way of I harmed you, it is healing. You still may not have a relationship with that person because you have to deal with what just happened. But it's a space of healing. And accepting that you're not going to get that apology is accepting I can take care of myself. I'm responsible for my own happiness. I am responsible for my own boundaries. And I can forgive and wish well and set the boundaries I need to have a happy life.

SPEAKER_02

Wow, and thank you for unpacking such a layered topic with clarity and compassion. We'll see you next time on Ask Anchester Therapy Talks.

SPEAKER_00

Thanks, Sophia. And if you liked what you heard, be sure to like my podcast.

Boundaries, Forgiveness, And Autonomy

SPEAKER_01

Thanks for tuning in to Ask Anchester Therapy Talks. If today's episode hit home and you live in Texas, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Ann at Anchester.com. Or just give her a call at 817-939-7884. Let's start the conversation because it doesn't have to be that way. Until next time, take care.