Anne Chester Discusses Why Not Everyone Who Hurts You Is A Narcissist

Are All My Enemies Narcissists?

What if calling someone a narcissist is keeping you stuck? We get honest about the difference between painful behavior, emotional immaturity, and true narcissistic traits—and why that distinction changes how you set boundaries, assess safety, and rebuild trust with yourself. With Anne Chester, LCSW, we unpack the core marker of narcissism—lack of empathy—and explain how charm, confidence, and attention‑seeking can mask controlling patterns that erode your sense of reality.

We walk through practical ways to respond without turning into a detective. Diagnosis isn’t your job; safety is. You’ll learn how to recognize when “no” doesn’t stick, how confusion signals manipulation or mismatch, and why documenting patterns beats arguing about intentions. We also explore the spectrum of narcissistic behaviors and the less obvious traps, like vulnerable posturing or self‑pity used to regain control. Then we pivot to your side of the street: self‑inquiry that reveals triggers, stories that keep you stuck, and family roles that turn current conflicts into old echoes.

This conversation offers a grounded path forward—clear boundaries, concrete red flags, and compassionate tools for growth. You’ll hear how transference makes people into metaphors and how gratitude can be reframed as data: thank you for showing me your pattern. Sometimes distance is the boundary; sometimes it’s a reset that brings clarity. Either way, you’ll leave with language to protect your energy and a checklist for when to seek professional help, especially if safety is on the line.

If this helped you see your situation more clearly, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review so others can find it. Live in Texas and want support? Book a free 15‑minute consult online.

To learn more about Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling visit:
https://www.AnneChester.com
Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling 
122 River Oaks Drive 
Southlake, Texas 76092 
817-939-7884 

Transcript

Welcome And Framing The Topic

SPEAKER_02 0:03

You're listening to Ask Anchester Therapy Talk, the podcast where lifestough moments meet real talk, a little humor, and the expertise of Anchester, licensed clinical social worker. Anne helps Texan women in the middle of life navigate anxiety, depression, and trauma with compassion and a no-nonsense edge. If you've ever thought, there's gotta be a better way. You're in the right place. And good news, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anne, because as she says, it doesn't have to be that way. Now, let's dive in.

What Narcissism Really Means

SPEAKER_01 0:44

It's tempting to label toxic behavior, but is everyone who hurts you a narcissist? Anne explores the difference between narcissism, conflict, and projection. Welcome back, everyone. I'm Sophia Yvette, co-host and producer, back in the studio with Ann Chester, licensed clinical social worker. Ann, how's it going?

SPEAKER_00 1:07

It's going well. How's it going for you?

SPEAKER_01 1:10

It's also going well here. Now I am so excited to get into this episode with you today. So today's question is Are all of my enemies narcissists?

SPEAKER_00 1:22

That is such a great question. I have had so many people in my office come in and they're just like telling me a story. And it's just, it is a horrible, painful story. A lot of times it's in a marriage or a friendship, and it ends with, man, I don't know how I didn't see it. I was deceived. That person's a narcissist, or, you know, I wish I had picked up on the signals a little bit sooner and seen the red flags, or something wrong with me. That really just tells you about you and not them. And I think the reality is narcissism, according to the National Institute of Health, is about five to seven percent of the population. Um, and narcissism is a really, really intense diagnosis. It is a person that lacks empathy. And empathy isn't the same as compassion. You can come across a narcissist that has compassion. They feel sad when they watch the sad, you know, pet commercials on TV or when they see a homeless person. Empathy is the key word. They lack empathy. And empathy is that ability to understand how other people feel or experience a situation. And they may even see that, but they don't care. And that's the chilling part of narcissism. And a true narcissist, and there's like all kinds of subsets of narcissists. I made a list of all of them, but I don't know that I'll have time to get into all of them today. Um, and there's just they have different ways of manifesting it. We're all comfortable with the classic narcissist that, you know, is just grandiose, tells you why they're amazing at all times, and has no empathy for anyone else, and makes every story about them and why they're the hero or the victim, and why everything is everybody else's fault. And if the if only they'd listen to you or whatever else, things would be fine. Um that's kind of the narcissist more that I like to think about as a very clinical narcissist. Now, narcissism does exist on a spectrum. There are people that can have narcissistic behavior um without being a full-blown narcissist. And at times, I think we all have some narcissistic behavior without being full-blown narcissist. So I think it's really important to remember that a narcissist, five to seven percent of the population, is not always what you're dealing with. That's a really serious clinical diagnosis related to a person that feels completely out of control internally and wants to be in control of everything and just has an intention to harm, has no empathy. There's an intention to harm. Maybe not a conscious one, but they are harmful, scary, predatorial people.

Subtypes, Spectrum, And Safety

SPEAKER_01 4:29

Wow. Now, what officially defines narcissistic behavior and how is it different from just being selfish or rude?

SPEAKER_00 4:41

A narcissist, a grandiose classic narcissist, tends to be charming. I I mean I met many narcissists because of occupational hazard, and they make you feel good at first. Um, they're confident, they they are quite good at finding a way to get attention. Maybe not attention seeking in like I am wealthy and have a Lorgini, but it could be getting attention through self-pity or some other means. Um, they crave admiration, they crave control, they crave um dominance, and then you kind of get into some of the subsets of narcissism that maybe you hear about, like vulnerable narcissists that feels chronically unseen and unappreciated. Again, that's on the spectrum. That's not that grandiose, scary narcissist. The malignant narcissist, um, they're really scary ones. They're paranoid, um, they can be aggressive uh physically and verbally. Um, and they really enjoy domination and destruction. That is a goal. Again, only five to seven percent of the population. But there's all kinds of, and I don't want to get into subsets because I'm getting distracted, but other terms you might hear would be communal, cerebral, somatic, spiritual, or the parental narcissist. But narcissism really is a serious clinical diagnosis that we can all have narcissistic behaviors without being a full-blown narcissist. But in the presence of a full-blown narcissist, there is a lack of safety.

You Don’t Have To Diagnose Them

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Oh wow. Now, how can listeners tell the difference between a narcissist and someone who's just emotionally immature?

Boundaries, No, And Confusion

Self‑Inquiry Over Labels

SPEAKER_00 6:48

So, first and foremost, I'm gonna say that's not your job. You know, you don't have to define the narcissist. I think when we get into defining the narcissist, um that can be a gray area. Where is it healthy when I get someone in my office that's truly married to a narcissist and feels like they're never enough for this person? And it's a very confusing situation or a child that grows up with a parent narcissist, defining that can be helpful. Um I think a lot of times what we need to look at is what does my response to this person tell me? Is it some kind of unresolved issue in myself? Am I feeling confused? If I'm feeling confused, I need to seek professional help. Am I truly dealing with a narcissist? Do I need to get away? Is there a safety issue? Um so you know you're not responsible to diagnose that person. I don't even really like that responsibility. You want to look at yourself. Why am I reacting in this way? Why do I want to scream that this person is a narcissist? They very well may be a narcissist, but you need to look at yourself. You know, what's the boundary you need to set? A narcissist classically doesn't accept the answer no. They may appear to accept the answer no, but six months later you have the same behavior again. That's confusing. And you're like, well, what did I do wrong? Maybe you didn't set the boundary right. That's a big red flag. You need to talk to someone. And first and foremost, you know, we need to know if there's a safety issue. If there's a safety issue, please seek help immediately. You know, don't try to control the situation, don't try to find the right response. Seek help immediately. But here's some really insightful questions to ask yourself when you're around someone that feels like an enemy or they become an enemy. Are we diagnosing a person? Or are we just expressing our own hurt by diagnosing the person? You know, one of the things I see a lot and I've experienced it's an occupational hazard of being a therapist, is transference. That sometimes I become a metaphor, and this can happen to anyone. I become a metaphor for a person that's painful in someone else's life. You know, I had a lady I thought was my friend, and I have become a metaphor as a strong woman for her mother, and she has unresolved issues with her mother, and I have become a metaphor of that for her. Now, is she a narcissist? No. But I do choose to have very big boundaries with her because it's not my responsibility to be her metaphor, and I'm not her therapist. Another question we want to ask ourselves is what's the story I'm telling myself about this person that keeps me stuck? That could be any number of things. I must have done something to cause them to react that way. Maybe, maybe not. Unless they tell you, hey, you hurt me, or you have some kind of insight about that, then that's not likely. You know, people are autonomous and we don't have a right to violate their autonomy and we don't know what's going on in their head, and sometimes they're responding to us, and we are putting a meaning to their response that's inappropriate. 99% of the time, what's going on with someone else has absolutely nothing to do with you. It tells you about them. Your behavior tells me about you. My behavior tells me about me. Um next question is Am I reacting to someone's pattern or to my own triggers? So one that is easy to identify is if you grow up in a home, a narcissistic home, which serves to make the family look good. That's a technical term, not a diagnosis of a person. You exist to make the family look good. And you are put in a situation where you feel compelled to perform or be a failure, that's telling you, oh, I have an unresolved childhood issue. That's a very concrete example of that. So what am I reacting to? Is this bringing up something from childhood? Is this reminding me of the way my alcoholic mother treated me? Let's look at that. And then the next thing that I think is really important is what do I need to learn from this experience? What's the gratitude I need to take away from this? Thank you for showing me who you are. Thank you for allowing me to grow in myself. Thank you for having giving me opportunities to explore some new relationships and think about life a little bit differently. So when I can get to that point, I know that I'm on the path of healing. And then really thinking about when you're labeling a person, what is that label protecting you from feeling? Is it your own guilt and shame? Does that guilt and shame need to be there? Is it betrayal? Is it just feeling abandoned? And maybe that abandonment has nothing to do with them, but something you experienced somewhere else. So those questions help us to grow and move forward and find our own peace. And shalom, I wish you well. And they also help us to set the most positive boundaries we can set. And sometimes distance is the way we enforce them. But I think we miss out on growth opportunities when we label every enemy a narcissist and when we don't ask those questions of ourselves. Again, narcissism is a very technical term. Five to seven percent of the population, it exists on a spectrum. Most of us at some point in our lives will exhibit some narcissistic behavior that doesn't make someone a full-blown narcissist. The full-blown narcissist is truly a dangerous person.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

Wow. And thank you so much for helping us sort through the noise and get to the truth. We'll catch you next time on Ask Anchester Therapy Talks.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Thanks, Sophia. And if you liked what you heard today, feel free to like my podcast.

SPEAKER_02 14:15

Thanks for tuning in to Ask Anchester Therapy Talks. If today's episode hit home and you live in Texas, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Ann at Anchester.com. Or just give her a call at 817-939-7884. Let's start the conversation because it doesn't have to be that way. Until next time, take care.