The Hidden Cost Of Getting It Right: How Perfectionism Leaves You Exhausted

Perfection can feel like peace, but it’s really a contract with your nervous system: keep performing, keep controlling, keep getting it right. When the bill comes due, it shows up as anxiety, burnout, resentment, and a quiet loss of connection with the people you love most. Anne Chester, a licensed clinical social worker who helps Texas women in midlife navigate anxiety, depression, and trauma, names what perfectionism actually is and why it’s so hard to let go.

We start with a simple truth: everyone’s “perfect” is different. A perfect cup of coffee, a perfect holiday meal, a perfect parenting moment, a perfect version of you. The problem isn’t having preferences or high standards, it’s organizing your life around never being judged. Anne breaks down how perfectionism disguises itself as being productive, responsible, or “the one who holds it all together,” and how it can quietly trade away attachment and peace for image and approval. Along the way, we share a story about a holiday ham that’s funny on the surface and deeply tender underneath.

We also talk about red flags you can spot today, including the need to control how people perceive you and the way perfectionism can masquerade as introversion because performing is exhausting. Anne offers a grounded reframe that helps: move from perfect to complete, from outcome to process, from criticism to awareness, and aim for presence over performance. If you’ve been thinking, “There’s gotta be a better way,” this conversation is your next step.

If it resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs relief, and leave a review so more people can find support. What’s one area where you’re ready to choose “present” over perfect?

To learn more about Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling visit:
https://www.AnneChester.com
Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling 
122 River Oaks Drive 
Southlake, Texas 76092 
817-939-7884 

Transcript

Welcome And Free Consult Option

SPEAKER_01 0:03

You're listening to Ask Anchester Therapy Talk, a podcast where life's tough moments meet real talk, a little humor, and the expertise of Anchester, licensed clinical social worker. Anne helps Texan women in the middle of life navigate anxiety, depression, and trauma with compassion and a no-knob sense edge. If you've ever thought, there's gotta be a better way, you're in the right place. And good news, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anne, because as she says, it doesn't have to be that way. Now, let's dive in.

When Perfect Costs You Peace

SPEAKER_02 0:48

When perfection becomes the price of peace, the bill always comes due, and it's usually higher than we expect. Welcome back, everyone. I'm Sophia Yuvet, co-host and producer, back in the studio with Anchester, licensed clinical social worker, and it is lovely to be back on with you today. Now, let's go ahead and dive into this one, and it's a big one. The cost of always getting it right. Talk to us about what that really means.

From Enjoying To Chasing Perfect

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Well, first and foremost, everybody has a different idea of perfect, a different idea of a perfect day. So my idea of a perfect cup of coffee, and you might want to share yours too, is I like a cold brew with a little bit of cinnamon and a little bit of milk. And my husband makes it for me in the morning. And it is perfect. And I had a friend come to stay this summer, and I went to make her one. She didn't like cinnamon. So what is your perfect?

SPEAKER_02 1:54

I really love the um, I would say espresso coffee with a little bit of creamer in it, maybe a little bit of honey, and first thing in the morning to wake up and start the day.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Yes, it is perfect, isn't it? Yes. But the thing is, everybody has an idea of perfect and it's always different. It's something in our head. It's a picture we have in our head. Or we have that perfect picture of Christmas dinner. Um, and I think I could just make a really long list. But the the issue becomes when we start organizing our lives around getting everything right. That's when our subtle shifts to perfectionism begin. Perfection stops being something we enjoy and starts being something we chase. Like when you enjoy cooking, but then you're overworking it to have the perfect family meal that looks right with the perfect tablescape. You lose the joy of cooking and the joy of hosting and the connection, and you criticize. I I've done this, like I made a lasagna the other day, and I criticized myself because, like, oh, the cheese isn't just right. I make really good lasagna. But um, that's beside the point. So

Productive On The Outside Exhausted Inside

SPEAKER_00 3:10

I it's that perfectionism piece. So all the costs of the chase seem hidden when we first kind of go down that perfectionism path because it looks like we're being really productive or really responsible. And it looks like, oh, what a great success, or you're the hostess with the most us. But over time, it's exhausting. Um, one example I heard in the hosting thought train of thought that I heard once is it went from family connection time to parallel play with adults because you would show up, eat your perfect meal with your perfect place setting, and then clean your dish and leave. And there was no connection time. Um, with perfectionism, there's not a finish line. The finish line is moving at all times because perfection isn't just a high standard. It's I want, it's beyond I want to do well. If I have a high standard, I want to do well, I want to excel at what I do. Um, perfectionism says, I have to get this exactly right, or it means something about me. If I get it wrong, I'll be judged. Like, how many times do we say that to ourselves as a mom? Oh, my kid acted out, I did something wrong, everyone's gonna judge me. If I fail, I'll be rejected. Um, I'm not enough here, or I'm not enough anywhere.

The Holiday Ham And Connection

SPEAKER_00 4:42

So um, my big example of that is uh my mother-in-law, I have a very sweet mother-in-law that looks like she could be a painting, you know, in a museum. She's very cute and petite, and I really enjoy her as a person. Um, but when I first got married, um, I think I must have been a really hard daughter-in-law because I'm a really good cook. And that's not her hobby. She has other hobbies like that woman can organize like nobody's business, and I just can't. Um, so I would cook a holiday meal, and to her mind, a perfect meal always had to have ham. So, you know, she would just show up at my house with ham. And it wasn't just like a ham, it was frozen bits of ham from the last holiday wrapped in foil that I would heat up and put on the table. Because in her mind, you couldn't have that meal and that connection time without ham. And she doesn't do that anymore. Uh, it was quite endearing, and I really kind of miss it a lot of times because it never was about the ham. It was that she just wanted to connect with her boys. And and she, you know, as they got to be adults, she didn't really know how to do that as well as she did when they were kids. And I have to say, she must have been a really good mom because I've watched her with my kids, and she is a phenomenal grandmother. And you want to talk about someone that just really cares and wants to connect, it's her, and and she brings the effort and she shows up. Um, but the hymn was was interesting. It's it's I try to make sure I add ham to the family meal rotation to honor that. Um but perfectionism is gonna trade connection and attachment, and it can trade it for image and accolades, it can trade it for nostalgia, um, it can trade it for for all kinds of things. It steals time, but at the end of the day, what you're losing is connection and relationship and peace.

How Perfectionism Hides As Introversion

SPEAKER_02 6:52

Before we close out today, I have to ask you a question. You know, what is one small realistic step someone can take to loosen the grip on perfectionism?

SPEAKER_00 7:05

I think first of all, recognizing perfectionism is really important. You know, perfectionism doesn't look the way we think it looks. You know, I I think a lot of times we think of perfectionists as really uptight, difficult people. And a lot of times they're not. One of the most profound ways I see perfectionism in my office are people that come in my office and they're like, I am an introvert. An introversion versus extrovert extroversion is actually very interesting. An introvert, a true introvert, I'm married to one, um, recharges their batteries through just downtime, alone time. Like that's how they have the energy to go and do their day. A perfectionist that um is saying they're an introvert, but perhaps they're not really an introvert takes on introverted behavior because it's too exhausting to keep performing or reaching those standards. I've even seen it kind of come up with some addiction kind of things. You know, you go home and have that glass of wine or champagne or whatever it is, or you know, whatever your vice is because it's easier than having to go out and connect with people and worry about what they're thinking. When you have excessive worry about how are people seeing and perceiving me, how are they experiencing me? I need to make sure that that's perfect. You know, because perfectionism promises control, but we can't ever really have control. That's a red flag that you're struggling with perfectionism. Um, it reinforces our own self-esteem. We'll use it as a coping mechanism when we have poor self-esteem because we have that core belief of I told you you couldn't be enough. Um, and so we perceive that perfectionism is actually lowering our standards for ourselves. A lot of times, perfectionism isn't about lowering standards. Um, it's about having realistic standards, it's about recognizing that I really desire connection and other people aren't so focused on how I appear and how I present. They're they're wanting connection back with me. So

From Control To Being Present

SPEAKER_00 9:46

um we're moving from perfect to complete, we're moving from outcome to process perfectionist love to measure their world on how good outcome is. Um, we're moving from control to tolerance, recognizing that things don't have to be perfect. Um, we're moving from criticism and judgment to awareness. Perfectionists are also those people like, oh my gosh, I can't believe, or don't they know, blah, blah, blah. Um, but awareness that other people have different values and different ideas. So our relief in life isn't from getting everything right. Relief is really recognizing that it doesn't have to be right. Maybe the goal sh isn't always perfect. Maybe it's can I just be present?

SPEAKER_02 10:41

Wow. Wow, and I really love that. Do you have any final words of wisdom before we close out today?

SPEAKER_00 10:47

So

Final Blessing And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 10:48

if this resonates with you, like the podcast or share it with someone else that could really use the insight. And may you see with mercy, respond with wisdom, and stay grounded with peace. And until next time.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Thanks for tuning in to Ask Anchester Therapy Talks. If today's episode hit home and you live in Texas, you can schedule the free 15-minute consultation with Anne at Anchester.com. Or just give her a call at 817 939 7884. Let's start the conversation because it doesn't have to be that way. Until next time, take care.