How To Love From Afar

Your heart can still love someone even when your life needs distance. Sophia Yvette sits down with Anne Chester, licensed clinical social worker, to untangle one of the most painful questions people face in family estrangement: how do you love from afar without losing your peace?

We dig into the mental spiral that hits after estrangement, the endless “what did I miss?” replay that fuels anxiety and keeps healing on hold. Anne explains why love won’t look the same when contact changes, and how to stop trying to match real life to the version of love you pictured in your imagination. From there, we get concrete about boundaries: how to tell the difference between avoidance and a healthy limit, why your value system matters, and why you don’t have to defend your boundaries when your dignity is on the line.

We also talk about the hidden trap of persuasion. Wanting to explain “one more time” can feel powerful, but it often violates boundaries and blocks repair. Instead, Anne offers a values-based path forward: release control, stop recruiting other family members to take sides, and choose actions that support your mental health. Finally, we explore compassion that starts with self-compassion, holds complexity, and avoids black-and-white ultimatums that can lead to regret.

If you’re navigating family conflict, estrangement, anxiety, depression, or trauma triggers, this conversation gives you language and next steps you can actually use. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more listeners can find the show.

To learn more about Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling visit:
https://www.AnneChester.com
Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling 
122 River Oaks Drive 
Southlake, Texas 76092 
817-939-7884 

Transcript

Show Intro And Free Consult

SPEAKER_01 0:03

You're listening to Ask Anchester, Therapy Talk, a podcast with life's tough moments, real talk, a little humor, and the expertise of Anchester, licensed clinical social worker. Anne helps Texan women in the middle of life navigate anxiety, depression, and trauma with compassion and a no-nonsense action. If you've ever thought, there's gotta be a better way, you're in the right place. And good news, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anne, because as she says, it doesn't have to be that way. Now, let's dive in.

Why Loving From Afar Matters

SPEAKER_02 0:46

Sometimes the healthiest form of love is learning how to protect your peace while still honoring your heart. Welcome back, everyone. I'm Sophia Yvette, co-host and producer, back in the studio with Ann Chester, licensed clinical social worker. Anne, how are you today? I'm doing really well. How are you, Sophia? I am also doing really well. So I am excited to get into this

The Overthinking Trap Of Estrangement

SPEAKER_02 1:12

one with you. So we've talked about estrangement in the past, but how do we love from afar?

SPEAKER_00 1:19

And I think this is a good conversation to have just because it's such a hot topic right now. I opened my Facebook page today, and I kid you not, there were three book recommendations that popped up as an ad for the topic of estrangement, what to do with estrangement. And last time we talked a lot about estrangement as not the absence of love. But today I want to ask a different question, and that's how do we love from afar? And I think that's a really big question to ask. I think when we deal with estrangement, we're always looking for the next step that we need to do. For the person that is estranged, there's a dialogue in the brain of what do I need to do differently? How can I approach this differently? Is there something I missed? What did I misunderstand? Just an endless amount of questions. And for the person that did the estranging that set the boundaries, they also have a list of questions of why can't they just respect me? Why does the relationship have to be toxic? And answering those questions in our brain just doesn't help healing and it doesn't help us go anywhere. By the time estrangement hits, we've already overthought all of those questions many times over. And continuing to overthink them is just anxiety and worry. So it's really important to work with a professional and try to start moving past those questions into kind of a different reality of how do I just love from afar and how do I love myself in the process as well.

Boundaries Built On Your Values

SPEAKER_00 2:57

So, first and foremost, the relationship doesn't look like it once did. And so love is not going to look the same. And I think we have in our heads a picture and our imagination of what love is supposed to look like. And I have a great imagination and I think it's fantastic and it serves me well in a lot of spaces, but in this type of space, it doesn't because I'm inflexible with my imagination, and it's hard for people in general to be flexible with their imagination. And they're looking to match an experience to their imagination so they can say, Oh yeah, the love is still there, or oh, that person hates me, or whatever the hypothesis actually is. So we accept that love love is no longer expressed through contact and closeness and maybe holidays or birthdays or showing up or giving advice or receiving advice. We're looking at how do we love from two different perspectives in two different worlds with different words while the relationship hopefully gets some sort of repair? So um really thinking about what am I going to do when the conversation replays because that just keeps me stuck.

SPEAKER_02 4:24

How can someone tell the difference between avoidance and a healthy boundary when it comes to loving from afar?

SPEAKER_00 4:32

I think that that is a great question. One of the difficulties with estrangement is often the per times the person that is being estranged does not understand that this boundary has been set. So when we learn to love from afar, the first thing is loving from our own value system, loving ourselves first from our own value system, and loving others from our own value system. When your values continue to be violated and people continue to talk to you about, oh, that's not a big deal, or no harm done, or that was the wrong conclusion, or you misunderstood. That is your boundary being crossed. So understanding you don't need to defend yourself in that space. It's this is who I am, this is my value, and my values set my boundaries, and I don't need to defend my boundaries.

Let Go Of Persuasion And Control

SPEAKER_00 5:36

One thing I like to talk about in this whole boundary situation, toxic versus non-toxic, estrangement brings up the desire to influence someone, you know, the desire to persuade someone to an opinion. That is also not healthy because people either they're already kind of of the same opinion with the same process thought process, or they're not. And they usually have already made their minds up and they are not persuaded. So then as humans, we're like, can we just explain one more time? I know my bringing point of view is rational and reasonable. Um, if they only knew how much I love them. All of these are so normal as humans, that persuasion piece. I want to influence them. And it almost feels powerful to think that we can, but that doesn't give space to healing and it violates the boundary. And then, you know, when we do that, we're not gonna move towards healing or move towards a relationship that looks different, but maybe isn't quite so estranged. So when we love from afar, we want to accept the fact that we are not gonna manage this person's journey. That's not our job. We are not demanding contact. We are moving our heart to, I wish you the best and I wish me the best, but man, that really hurt. Not gonna minimize the harm, but I'm not gonna make you responsible to explain it, fix it, or anything else. It's that was harm, it was hurtful, and I'm gonna move towards my own healing. Um, I'm gonna find out what the new boundaries are, and I'm gonna figure out how to respect the new boundaries.

Practical Ways To Love From Distance

SPEAKER_00 7:30

And I might find some boundaries that I need to set in all of this. Um, another thing that's big in all this is I don't recruit other family members to take my side. When you do that, you set yourself up to be alienated, you set up more conflict. Family does not want to get in the middle of the conflict that you have, neither does your friend group or your neighbors or the mom's club. You know, your best to just not recruit those members and find a safe person, like a therapist or, you know, a priest or a pastor to talk to about those things. Um, but the people that will also ask you the really hard questions. It also means that accepting when that graduation invitation or that wedding invitation doesn't come, you can celebrate their success without crossing the boundary. Sometimes it's okay to send a card in those situations, but sometimes the boundary really is I'm not gonna even send a card or a gift or anything like that because it doesn't honor my value system or it doesn't honor their value system. Um and it also means I'm not looking for recognition, I'm not the martyr in this situation, I'm not the sacrificial lamb, and I'm not gonna become bitter about this. When I have to re-ask the questions, that's a great way to just reinforce bitterness. And it may even mean saying, if the door ever opens again, I might choose to not walk through it. Or I'm gonna choose some very different boundaries, or I'm not gonna share about myself. So all of these things have something that is in common, and that's they don't require control. We're not controlling perspective, we're not controlling outcomes, we're just acting out of love anchored in our own value system.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

Wow. One final question for you How can someone maintain compassion without sacrificing their mental health in that situation?

Compassion Without Losing Your Mind

SPEAKER_00 9:38

Well, compassion has to start with yourself. We have to have compassion for ourselves first. But people are complex and they're complicated. And the way that I might experience someone is not likely the way someone else experiences someone. So I might have had several horrible moments with a person, or they had several horrible moments with me, but that doesn't mean my best friend had the same moments with them. And so when we think about that, the boundaries when they're grounded in our value system of there are some things that are absolutely never okay. You don't have the right to strip my dignity, you don't have the right to yell at me and use unkind words, you don't have the right to boss me around. Those are our value system. Another person may not have ever had that experience with them and may not even be able to see it. So we honor ourselves with compassion first and validating, yes, that's what I experienced. And they showed me a side of themselves that I care not to experience again. And I'm choosing to not be part of that relationship at this point. If the door were to open, I can choose whether or not I'm gonna walk through it. Or if I chose to open the door, I'm gonna accept their choice as to whether or not to walk through and know that I can close the door again.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

So and overall, you're kind of saying it's not about creating this ultimatum, whether I'll stay in their life or not, but being patient with yourself enough to walk into it at the space that you feel comfortable and honoring the space that

Avoiding Regret And Black And White Thinking

SPEAKER_02 11:24

they feel comfortable.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

Is that what I'm hearing? Yes, because it's not good to say, we'll never ever see them again. You know, I had a friend whose brother just cut the mom off, cut their mom off, and just refused to talk to her the last 30 years of life. And the funeral came, and there was a lot of regret because there was a lack of willingness to even ever reopen the door. And not that the door needed to be reopened. I happen to know kind of both perspectives, and it really wasn't a healthy relationship. But it was almost like when the door closed, it just created so much bitterness and it was such an ultimatum that it wasn't compassionate to self. And so then, you know, you end up with black and white thinking, and this is all good or all bad, and you lose the complexity of the situation. So stuff happens in life, but accept that there's complexity.

SPEAKER_02 12:28

Wow.

Closing Blessing And Calls To Action

SPEAKER_02 12:29

Well, Anne, thank you for helping us to understand this with so much clarity. We will see everyone next time.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Thanks, Sophia. And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone else that might need to hear it. And until next time, may you see with mercy, respond with wisdom, and stay grounded in peace.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Thanks for tuning in to Ask Anchester Therapy Talks. If today's episode hit home and you live in Texas, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anne at Anchester.com. Or just give her a call at 817 939 7884. Let's start the conversation because it doesn't have to be that way. Until next time, take care.