Pillar Six: The Dysregulated Nervous System State | Episode 9

You’re not overreacting.

You’re responding from a nervous system that does not feel safe.

In this episode of In Real Time with Tori Littlejohn, we’re breaking down Pillar 6: The Dysregulated Nervous System State™ and what’s really happening when your body shifts into survival mode.

Because what most people call “personality”…
 is often just a pattern of protection.

Fight.
 Flight.
 Freeze.
 Fawn.

These are not random reactions.
 These are learned responses your nervous system developed to keep you safe.

And if you’ve ever felt like
 “I don’t even recognize myself when I react like that…”
 this episode is going to give you language, clarity, and real understanding.

We talk about:
 • How to identify what state you’re in in real time
 • Why your logic shuts off when you’re triggered
 • How different nervous system states show up in everyday life
 • Why people respond so differently to the same situation
 • How to stop taking everything personal once you understand survival states

And most importantly…

How to process these states in yourself and others without shame, escalation, or losing yourself in the moment.

Because emotional intelligence is not just about feelings.

It’s about recognizing nervous system states and responding with awareness instead of reaction.

This episode is especially important for those of us who grew up thinking our survival responses were just “who we are.”

You are not your trauma responses.

You are not your dysregulation.

You are not the version of yourself that only learned how to survive.

And the more awareness you build around your nervous system states… the more choice you create.

Today’s Episode Is Sponsored By AMH Media Agency

At AMH Media Agency we help business owners create systems for their lives and businesses.

Because systems are not just about productivity.

They’re about support.

A regulated nervous system needs structure, clarity, boundaries, organization, and systems that actually work for the human behind the business.

We specialize in helping overwhelmed entrepreneurs create systems built to support real people… not robotic expectations.

From automation and follow up systems to organization, visibility, and sustainable structure, our goal is to help people work smarter without abandoning themselves in the process.

✨ Learn more at:
 amhagency.com

📌 Exclusive offers and business audits available here:
 Schedule an Audit

If this episode resonates with you…

My book You’re Not Crazy… You’re Conditioned is officially available for pre-order now.

This is not just a book you read.
 It’s a book you experience.

Designed to help you recognize your patterns, understand your nervous system, and apply healing in real life.

🖤 Pre-order here:
 Linktree.com/Torivictories

📖 Official release date: June 26

Pre-orders will also get access to exclusive updates and a virtual launch experience.

Stay Connected

🎙 Podcast: In Real Time with Tori Littlejohn
📺 YouTube: AMH Network
📲 TikTok & IG: @Torivictories

If this helped you, share it with someone who’s been trying to understand their reactions… or someone you’re learning how to better understand.

Because most people are not trying to hurt you.

They’re responding from a version of themselves that learned how to survive.

THIS… is healin’… in Real Time.
Peace and healin’. 💛

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Healing in Real Time, where we talk about patterns, the nervous system, and the choices that shape our lives from the inside out. Now, this isn't about perfection or performance. It's about becoming aware, doing the work, and choosing it differently one moment at a time. I'm Tori, and this is a safe, shame-free space to get serious about growth, even when it's a little messy. Set up. Let me say something that might change how you view yourself forever. First of all, I know the setup is different if you're watching this. If you're watching the visuals, I'm actually at the library, okay? Because I have some free time and I'm like, but I'm not about to drive an hour home just to drive an hour back. So I'm just gonna record in a public space. So I am, I'm definitely whispering a little bit, but we're gonna get it done, okay? Because this is my third time recording. So episode eight and nine, they read me hell. But this is this is the one right. This is the one, y'all. Okay. But let's get into it. You are not overreacting. You're reacting from your nervous system that just doesn't feel safe. And I'm really excited about this particular I'm really excited about this particular recording because I've gotten my official diagnosis since the last time I recorded episode nine and it had no audio. So now it's like I can give you so much more information because I feel like I've really gone through all of the stages, I guess you'd just say. Um so let's get into it. You really need to feel safe. That's number one thing. And if you have a complex where you need to feel safe, you probably have undiagnosed or diagnosed PCSD. I do. Mine's just chronic. Because when your body is in nervous and is in survival mode, you don't respond. You're not ever going to just respond. You're going to react. You're going to take it personal. Most of us um call that our personalities. Oh no, I'm just sensitive, or I just don't like conflict, or I shut down, I just overthink. My screensaver on my iPad is you're overthinking again. I do. And you know what that's called? Exciting. Well, we can talk about that later. We think that those states are who we are, and it's not, it's a state, but a lot can happen in a week. So I'm glad you're bringing me welcome. But let's recap and refocus because I'm gonna sit here and I'm gonna make sure I record the rest of the pillars because I need to get that out the way. Okay, I need to get that out the way, I need to get that out the way, I need to get that out the way so that we can really dive in. Because when we start diveing in, that's when you're really gonna be like, uh oh, I see what you don't. Yeah, so we need to we need to get to it. So just to recap, pillar one of the um the nervous system mirror, my framework, the nervous system mirror, is gonna be that automatic behavior. That's the pattern that you repeat. And then you have uh pillar two, the in um the in uh intentional why. Okay, and then you have um the intentional why is like the first explanation your brain gives when you are when you've overreacted and somebody asks you why you do that, or when you ask yourself why you do that. The the very top layer is gonna be that intentional why. And then pillar three is the outdated belief. That's the survival story your nervous system created, you know, to say why you had to do that. It goes with the initial why. And then pillar four is the open wound. That's the emotional injury that that got the closure. So it keeps reopening, reopening. Like the cut that's on my eye that my baby did in 2024. And sometimes y'all might see me, I hear eye water patch. Yeah, because it keeps reopening. It didn't heal properly. It didn't never get the closure that it needed, it keeps reopening. Pillar five, that is the somatic score. That's when where your body stored the memory. A lot of times, then we think that um we think we we just okay, this is overcap. Never mind. Go go listen to the episode. Go listen to the episode. But now we're here. Pillar six, and this is the disregulated nervous system state. Yes, when your body takes over. Okay, this is this is going to give you a deeper explanation of why that somatic score, why somatic healing is so important, how it's actually showing up. Because your the nervous system has one job to keep you safe. And it does that through those different states that we previously talked about. And when you feel safe, you feel regulated, you can think clearer, okay, you communicate pattern, you don't take things personally, you are present. It is when that system has defects and it detects some type of threat that your whole energy shifts. Your amygdala activates, your prefrontal cortex goes completely offline, the logic goes out the window. That's what that means. Your logic decreases, your reactions increase, and your body releases stress hormones. It's all physical, like it's biology, it's it's really cool. You need neurology and and and biology. It's it's it's really cool. It's not just your personality, it's how your body translated trauma your entire life, right? Especially those primal years because something could be normal to you and can be completely toxic. Okay, you can see your heart race, like I said, your hormones definitely change in no moment. Sometimes your breathing changes. Sometimes you breathe faster, sometimes you gotta take, you find yourself having to force yourself to breathe deeper. You can get tense, I get tense all in my back, and then you're responding to your you're not responding to your current reality anymore. You're reacting from survival or something that happened way back. Who knows what happened? So let's break it down from what it looks like in real life. So there are four states, there are four states. Um that'll be and these states are essentially trauma patterns. Clinically they would be your your um am I saying it right, your trauma pattern. Okay, it's gonna come to me because that's not that's not correct clinically, but I'm not a doctor, so I'm not a clinician, okay. I'm just a person who studies it and has been through it as a disclaimer. But this um, these states, four states, so you have your fight, flight, freeze, and fall. Your fight, that looks like anger. Um, somebody who snaps controlling, they get defensive, like somebody, somebody gives you feedback and you immediately get agitated, irritated, raise your tongue, start trying to prove your point, trying to prove them wrong. Not because you're trying to be aggressive, but because your body feels under attack. You have every reason to say what you're saying, but your body is doing it in a very defensive way. It has this guard completely up. That's fight. That's just an example. And then you have flight. Now I do fight. I am a fighter. But I try to work on it as much as possible. That's why I don't like, don't, don't catch me off garb and the bullshit. Like, but it's also about being able to sit in the sensation and allow that sensation to pass before you pop off. That takes skill. Meditation can help with that, but that takes real skill, okay? I just did a 10-day retreat to start building up that skill, to be able to sit in that, whatever that is, whatever it is, comfortable, uncomfortable, good, bad, whatever, being able to sit through that. So it's a practice. Don't beat yourself up, okay? Then we got flight. Flight is like um flight, it's like avoidance, overworking. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Somebody who's just always at work, they always doing something, they always want to go. ADHD, overthinking, staying busy, um, blatant avoidance. I don't want to talk about this right now. Just leaving. Things get emotionally heavy, and instead of addressing it, you distract yourself, you leave the conversation, you cause an argument so you can leave the conversation. You work, you clean, you scroll, you you busybody. Not because you don't care, but because your system is trying to escape discomfort. And I remember in the in the last recording that I made, I said I had a better example. It's better when the audio works and the video doesn't work. That happened on episode eight. This episode the audio was out and the video was in. So I'm not really sure. I'm not really sure what I was saying, but I do know flight is something that I've experienced with people who are um not emotionally mature. Or um, sometimes the stress can be too much. They uh people with borderline personality disorder, people who can't feel shame, narcissistic, high narcissistic on a high on a narcissistic scale. They might not have the personality disorder, but they're they don't they can't feel shame. They don't want you to tell them that they did something wrong. And they you that usually goes back to their childhood. So too many people have made them feel like everything that they did was wrong. So now they're extremely sensitive to that. And I try not to look at people's trauma patterns as something to take personal, but just to notice that, oh, okay, this is how that person reacts this way. Because it really has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with me on if it's fight, flight, freeze, or fall. That's just how they're gonna show up when they get stressed out, when when trauma becomes overbearing for them. They just need to escape the discomfort, that's all. So with freeze, that looks like shutting down. I do that too. Shut down. Some people do silent treatment. Some people just completely disconnect and um disassociate right in your face. And sometimes it might be you, you you feel stuck, you freeze. Like I've been in school, I I have enough credits that I can be a junior. Okay, I'm a super junior because I've been a junior for about 10 years, okay? Like, and then and I just I just get stuck. And it's like, oh my gosh, my system gets overwhelmed with like feeling like I have to go back and forth with the teacher because I'm like holding from experience. I've learned I have questions that are like dissertation worthy. And it really makes them think because some teachers don't like that. Some professionals in general, they feel like I have, I, I did the work. You ever talk to a teacher? I got it, you gotta get it. Like that. But just because you got it don't mean you ain't do no bullshit to get it. Like, miss me with that, okay? I want people that can actually have conversations about it. And I I'd rather somebody be able to make me think about it. Prove me wrong, show me something different. That's what I want. That's what's gonna push the needle. That's what's gonna get us to see what this traumatized actually look like. Give me actual experiences. That's gonna help the bastards feel like, oh my goodness, I see myself. I've been through that. Not just dissertation stuff. But anyway, I digress. That feeling stuck thing, I just want to let you know I've been there. But you you might want to speak, right? You you might want to submit the work, you might have the words, you might wrote the paper, but then you can't move, you freeze, you you don't hit send, you don't send the email, you don't call, you feel too numb. It not because you you don't have thoughts about it, you don't have desire, but because your system is just overwhelmed, it just cannot. And then fall on that's another one that I do, unfortunately. And that looks like people pleasing. It looks like people pleasing. Um, it can be people pleasing, it can be overexplaining, it can be um abandoning yourself to keep the peace. Yeah, abandoning yourself to keep the peace. Like you say yes when you really want to say no. You be passive, aggressive, like, oh, I guess nobody else can help you. I guess if you don't, if nobody else can help you, like no, if nobody else can help you, it's probably a reason. I'm not either. I ain't no dummy. No, I ain't got it. My ex, I was on the I we were together. I was on the phone with him. I told him he asked me for money for Uber. I ain't got it. I don't, I don't be giving out money, paying for Ubers or paying for shit. I don't do that. I don't do that. I did that with my first boyfriend because I ain't none of that. After that, it was just like, mm-hmm, nope, I don't have it. Even if I have that, niggas be knowing I got money. Maybe knowing I got money, and I still I don't have it. I don't. And he was at his first mini mother's house, his first son's mother's house, and she was like, no, no, no. Then she gave in because she wanted him to leave. Like, first of all, you're not trying to leave my house? Like, I was and I used to call her, like, but it's like I was also dumb because I'm sitting here, I it was like it ain't me type of energy. Like, it ain't me. If she's gonna be a dummy and give him the money for it, look, it ain't me. I'm not. That's how I felt. But it's like, yeah, whatever he was doing to her, he's going to do you. He's gonna try. You know, I'd be I'd be having to look stupid quite often. He'd be like, that's a whole nother story. But I was abandoning myself. I mean, I wasn't I wasn't about to abandon myself for that. I had been there and done that. She abandoned herself and ended up giving him the money, essentially because she just wanted him to leave. He was just like, I ain't going away, mom has no, no, ooh. Like, what the fuck? Why is that our problem? Like, nigga, she got a car, I got a car. Like, nigga, you the only one with no car. What the fuck? Why should we, you know what I'm saying? Like, fuck all that. That's my kid father shit. Like, are you a man? To fuck a man, are you an adult? Like, what are we doing? Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm not enabling, okay? And that's something that every person has to learn on their own. You can't tell nobody, oh, you ain't enabling me to stop. People gonna feel like, no, don't tell me what to do, or they hating that we got a special relationship, or that's my best friend, or whatever. Let them go through that shit. When they start realizing that, okay, this person don't never got no money. I mean, for me, when I'm going through something, they don't never got no money. But when you're going, when I when you're going through something, I always got your back. No.

unknown 18:05

No.

SPEAKER_00 18:06

Stop you believe. Okay, fuck all that. Soften your truth. I'm ADHD, my shit come out harsh. I don't mean for it to come out harsh, but sometimes you need to hear that. Okay. But people gonna have been, when people are actively um reactive to their PCSD, they have not done the work or have any real tools to ground themselves from the PTSD, they're going to react to the slightest thing with the best intentions harshly. I tell people, talk to me nice, talk to me gentle, because I know I have PCSD. Some shit I will take wrong, even though I am really aware, a lot of stuff that I'm aware with by myself that I've exposed myself to over and over again, so I know to pause. If you catch me off guard, I'm not gonna have that pause. Like, and then I'm gonna be like, oh my lad, I checked my knee, because I took that real. I take shit literal. Like, I don't talk to me like that. I mean, I'm not one of those, you know. So, but you gotta get to that point is constant exposure. I expose myself to my thoughts. I I I meditate mindfully all the time. So if a thought comes up, it's like, oh no, that ain't that ain't what we are. Like, yeah, no, that ain't gonna put goodness on the back of the bus. Like the thought go away. That's not what we are. People pleasing, um, I'm trying to lay back. If I'm if I'm in a where I used to be in a state where I would people please are like, oh no, we were talking about the harshness. The harshness. The harshness. If I'm in a state where somebody is saying something harsh to me, I'm still, I I tend to just remain quiet. Because if I do say something, I'm gonna say exactly what I think. And that can also come off harsh when the person may have just been trying to give me, like when I was on my on my um retreat, and this girl was like, You inspired me so much. And I was like, why? And she was like, I didn't think you were gonna make it. And she is the Indian girl, and I was just like, damn, she just like what made you think I wasn't gonna make it? What made you think that I was a big bitch? I I didn't understand. But essentially, essentially, um, she was just direct. And a lot of times in American culture, especially in black American culture, being direct is just you gotta beat around the bush because everybody is reactive. And everybody has some type of PCSD, everybody is people pleasing, and then when you finally see that person who does, who's socially awkward, probably undiagnosed autism or something, got autistic treats, and they don't even know to tip to to people please, and they hurt everybody's feelings, and they like, what? What I do? Yeah, I understand I've been that person. Uh, I've been on both sides of that. But you we subconsciously teach people to find by people pleasing, and you don't want to do that. You want to soften your your your your your truth. You I mean you don't want to soften your truth, um you don't want to adjust to others, and these are things that you may do, not because you're weak, but because your system wants safety comes from others' comfort. Because I know that my parent, if she's comfortable, she got everything she needs. If they good, and I know I'm saying I'm not gonna get yelled at, I'm not gonna get beat, I'm not gonna get hurt, and that translates into adulthood where you're jumping over hoops for grown ass people, calling the Ubers when you ain't got the time or the energy or the money to be doing that, where you're an actual adult that has real bills. But somebody grown as fuck, they got their own will, and a lot of times be a person that don't want you to tell them what to do, then why do you need my help if you know everything, big? You know, that's funny, okay? We're not doing that no more. We're not doing that no more, okay? That's where emotional intelligence comes in. Because emotional intelligence is not just about understanding feelings, it's about recognizing these states, okay? In yourself, okay, and the other stuff. Um, I am I I like to be like I'm a little slow, but I'm I have autistic traits. So sometimes I don't always recognize it in others. I see the states switch, I see the breathing, but I don't put it together that it's because of me. I don't realize that it's like, okay, I need to stop talking. I'm just like, oh, they look upset. But anyway, this is what I was saying. Like, it's like I don't always get it until later. And then I'm like, oh, they were breathing really hard and look really frustrated. Oh, like I didn't know. I genuinely didn't know. But when you can identify the state at other people, you can stop taking it so personal. Sometimes it's not about me, and I'll make it about me just because I I didn't take the time to identify what state that person was in. Someone's snapping at me, they might be in fight mode. Not because my sister, one time, my sister snapped at me and talking about flipping the table and stuff, and I was just plainly talking about what I saw. Like an area where she was bleeding and hadn't fixed the work, you know, done the inner work. And I was talking real regular, and years later she came back to me and she was like, You was right. I went to therapy, and uh you was right. And I get that a lot, so it never really dawned on me that she would be upset with me. But she got into fight mode based off of what I was saying. Somebody ignoring you, they go into the silent treatment, they might be in flight or freeze. That got something to do with them. They upset, they have to learn how to talk to you or they have to learn how to um have hard conversations. Right? You over-accommodating. You overcome accommodating, that's fine, that's people pleasing, right off the bat. If you don't want to do this, I don't want to do it. And if I don't get mad, I learned this a long time ago from Street Dude. He said, I'm gonna go ahead. If you ain't got it, I'm gonna ask somebody else till I get it. It's a numbers game. I said, Oh shit. You're right, and that is what's starting me not giving a fuck. Do you need Uber? You're gonna ask somebody else, and somebody else, and somebody else, and somebody's gonna say yes. And that's how old boy got to asking his ex. And she said yes. I wouldn't say yes, I would not say yes. Fuck no, hell no, why would you call me? You know, just you had more hope calling 911. They would have called you a Uber before before me. Like, let's be honest, okay? I'm not, you know, call me what you want to call it what you want, okay? I you know, so we're not overcoming. When you understand that, you can respond differently, and that's what it's all about choosing differently instead of escalating. And don't get me wrong, you'll still escalate. There's still times where I pop off in this motherfucker. But a lot of times, the more you expose yourself, and that's that's where I have this book on my unmasking autism, where I've been going back and forth with um this doctor, PhD doctor, psychiatrist, because I really want to stretch the idea of masking at an early age. Because I feel like why was masking at an early age? Right? So you what happens is you'll learn all of these ways to show up socially based on you. In some ways it goes with trauma, but in other ways it's like that's why I want to explore it more. Because the natural state is like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't know that I was fawning in that way, or I didn't know that I was escalating in that way, you know, whatever. And it connects to trauma because of hyper-vigilance. Fawning, people pleasing, that goes with being hyper-aware and trying to ease and you know, solve the problem, ease everybody, just be cool, you know. But also it speaks to autism. And I guess I can talk about that in another episode, but it just popped in my head. When we talk about escalating and choosing to show up differently, I'll show up differently as long as I've been exposed to that way of showing up enough times, which is neuroplasticity and changing your brain neural pathways. But if a response happens that I did not practice, if something, if if there is a response to my response that I did not practice, it may sometimes leave me like a deer in headlights. Because I did not, either I'm a deer in headlights or I'm reactive again. So it can happen. Like you, you're not just healed, you expose yourself to areas and sometimes it can lessen how much you react in a new situation that completely caught you off guard, but sometimes, but a lot most times, there's going to be some reaction. So we didn't we didn't run this play, we did not practice for this, right? So it's important that we create our space, but it's also important that we in that space allow ourselves to fully unmask, let our hair down. Get support, need support, have support and know that without finding, without trying to ease somebody else's blood. That's the power. I was told that I was just too much. Um in 20 2015, I moved away from the DMV and I moved down to Greensboro, North Carolina. And it Greensboro really nurtured me. They really accepted me for who I was. Um, whereas at home, I was called too sensitive, too emotional, too reactive. I was too much all the time. I would come home for maybe a long weekend or something, and um, my caregivers would say things like, oh, you're a you're like a hair cane. You just come in, you're blowing, you mess everybody's life up, and then leave. And it really hurt me. It's like I was so happy and just giddy and just quirky. I used to call myself the quirky queen. I wanted to see everybody. I wanted to try to get a little piece of everybody while I was in town. And here I am thinking that they miss me or they want to see me. And you know, when I want to see somebody, I move some shit around so I can see them. You in my city? Oh my gosh. I'm look, I I got this going on, but like I got a small window. Like, I can like what you doing? You trying to meet up? Like, what's I no? They wasn't on that. They made me feel like I was a problem my entire life. I was the problem. And after a while, my nervous system just didn't feel safe anymore. Coming to the DMV did not make me feel safe. I hated being in the DMV area. I did not feel safe, emotionally safe, which is, I like to describe it as a little T trauma. You got your big T trauma, which is like your assaults and things that happen to you that people can see. And then you have your little T traumas, which is those internal, internal beatings and bruisings that people can't see. The way that your mom talked to you, the abandonment, the way that your dad didn't talk to you, didn't show up or showed up too much, or whatever the case may be, nobody saw you, nobody poured into you. Nobody took the time to interpret your behaviors. Those things cause eventually your nervous system to feel unsafe. And then after a while, you may start thinking that you are not enough, that you're not good enough, because you've been hearing that your whole life, that your best is not enough. But it is. Your brain works differently, and your best looks differently. But it absolutely is enough, and that's why we have to start recognizing our nervous system states. Because once we can do that, everything will shift for us. It doesn't matter what the at the rest of the world thinks. What do we think? That's why knowing yourself is so important. Taking the time to go out and truly know yourself. I took my whole 20s to mess up, go out, learn myself, be nurtured by North Carolina, and then go to Atlanta and get my confidence. Like really be able to pour my confidence out. It was inside. But I wouldn't say anything. It was very passive, aggressive because I was fawning so much. But once I hit Atlanta, it was like, nah, this, yeah, no, I'm in the shit. Have you seen my face? It will never decline. Like, what are you saying? I just had confidence. No, I don't want to do that. I I'm into that. I like that. I was showing up different places, changing my nervous state. But first, my nervous system had to rest. It had to find a new baseline, and that's what it did in North Carolina. I was able to rest. It wasn't nobody trying to beat my ass or telling me I couldn't do nothing or telling me I was too much. They was accepting me. I wasn't reacting. I was down there. I didn't react. Didn't need to react. There was no reactions unless I went back home. Then I was able to see, and I did a lot of meditating. Every day for months. For months to get back to myself. And then I started to recognize my space and really see, like, okay. I could literally pause when I am getting upset and be like, wait, this is not me. This is my nervous system. Because I could see the difference. And when I was back home and when I was at home with my four dogs in the canon and with my yard, I could see the difference in me feeling safe and secure in an environment that I created and then be in the uncertainty of going back to people that I wasn't sure were sure about me in their reality in their environment. I didn't the safety level in my body didn't feel the same. My alarm about to go up. And that changed how I moved. It changed how I showed up for myself. It changed how I studied. I I read um the book, The Body Keep Score, and I really started to get into somatic healing and into body work and to eating differently. So I'm just thinking about, yeah, that was 2018. 2017, 2018. I really got into healing 2.0. So that kind of takes me to how to process those steaks in real time. Okay, so this is the part that people skip. How you actually process your steaks in real time. I love this is a girl on um TikTok name Ashay. I gotta look up her actual name on there, but I commented on her video and I really love her content because she's processing in real time, and that is what I'm all about. That's how you know somebody has done the work when they can slow it down, like you know what I'm saying? Super like I don't know. They can slow that shit down and really be like, okay, in this moment I feel like this because this happened, but I know I need to do this, but I'm gonna stay here and let myself go through it, crack, whatever, hit record and let you see God's healing in real time. In real time, I want you to get that out, and then I want you to move. Don't forget the move. What what what we just say? Don't forget the baby, okay? Wheezy F baby. Please say the baby, don't forget to move. Do your processing, your healing, and then your transformation is your somatic. Get that out. Take some ass. Do a little dance. Teach your Dougie. You know what I'm saying? Oh, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. We must not be wiggling. We wiggle. Hit the home, shake on my hand. You know what I'm saying? You have to get it out of your body. I am so animated. Once I get to going, I get the acting stuff out, just moving my hands like I'm doing now. Like I really get to get into it. Sometimes I can be chilling like, yeah, healing in real time. And sometimes I'll be like, look, you gotta 40 line. Like, just I don't know. I don't know anything about sports at all. I am not that girl. Okay, like I've been wanting to know some of that, okay, but I have no clue. Let's just be real. Okay. So the thing is, you cannot think yourself your way out of a disregulated state. Fight, fawn, freeze. You can't. When I get mad, when I get to that point, nothing can stop me. Nothing can calm me down. It has to run its course. It has to run its course. It has to run its course. And I have to have faith in myself and trust myself enough to know that okay, I see myself disregulated. How do I re-regulate? I need to get away. You know how some people, you be like, you trying to leave and they'll be trying to block you. Or you know what I'm saying? Like tell you, you run it. Sometimes I need a mini. Sometimes all I can say is I need a minute. Sometimes I can't get that out. I gotta lock myself in the bathroom. Don't be trying to push your way through the door. Like I'm dysregulated and I know that I'm dysregulated, so I'm going to go and heal myself. I'm gonna go and re-regulate myself through the practices and the exposure and the tools that are in my toolbox. Most people skip that step. That is what you need because you want transformation. Especially if you're like me and neurodivergent, I have ADHD. My emotional outburst, my just regulating myself emotionally already is hard as fuck. It's not easy. Like it is a real stretch for me. So in order for me to show up, I have to constantly be putting myself in situations where I can be exposed to how to handle a situation better. So then when I do blow up, I can get back on track quicker. Because it's going to happen. You're going to get disregulated at some point. Don't just think that you're gonna heal forever. That's why thinking is not enough. Intellectualizing is not enough. Acknowledgement, first step, but not enough. Like, okay, congratulations if you have reached that point, because a lot of people have not. Okay, but there's still more work to do. That's why I wear these my lids every day. I got a shirt on to say the same thing on here. Like, because I need a reminder to choose differently. This one is faces me. I can feel it in the moment of dysregulation. It's sensory, it's raised. They're only in embroidery because I want to make sure that in the moment when I'm dysregulated, I can remember who I am, what I stand for. Right? This is just the first batch, so they they're not necessarily on sale right now, but they're gonna be. But let me know if y'all want y'all want something. This is an actual tool for me that I rock all the time. I want the I want the hoodies to be heavier. It's a heavy blend, so it's heavy, but heavy feels like the heavier I can get the hoodie, the more it regulates your emotion. I mean, regulates your nervous system, feels like a hug. Some things you can do too feel like a hug is pressure your shoulders. You know, some people do it like this. Where you pat um, you pat your shoulders back and forth with one hand. Sometimes you can do it with both hands. That's somatic healing. Hitting under your here, under your um underarm, that's somatic healing. You want to in vagus nerve. We talked about the vagus nerve behind your ear and right side. You you always want to uh calm your vagus nerve. Reset, that's the word I was looking for, reset your vagus nerve. Okay, so that looks like it's just you have to be able to help your body process whatever you've been through. You're not just your mind, but your body needs to process whatever it is you've been going through. That looks like if you're in a fight, pausing, lowering your voice, sucking in a lot of air, unclutching your thaw, slow breathe, unclutching your throat, your jaw, and slow breathing. Slow breathing. Right in their face. Right in their goddamn face. Okay, if you're in fight, flight, move slowly. Move slowly, walk back and forth. If you need to pace, that's fine. If you need to feel like you're fleeing, walk down, come back up. Sometimes you need to stop moving because you need to sit down, you need to ground yourself, right? Bring your attention back to your body. You're trying to disassociate. You and freeze. Start with small movements. Wiggle your fingers. Try to wiggle your toes. Wiggle them fingers. Ask yourself questions. What do I actually want right now? Um shift your posture. Take a deep breath. Sit up straight. Put your shoulders back. Put your chin up. Right? You want to do that all the time. So that when you get in that moment where you freeze, you can automatically hit that. Alright, sit back. Shoulders back, chin up. Breathe and wiggle your fingers. Falling the same thing. Pause before you say anything. Oh yeah, yeah, of course. No. Ask yourself, what do I actually want? Right? Let me get back to you. Don't allow. Don't allow yourself to fall victim to yourself. Your choices of fawning. That is regulation. That's how you show up and you become regulated. I also lately I have you want to make a system, you want to be gentle with yourself. Nobody else is going to love on you like you love on you. Because I have ADHD, some of the things I need, so I know in the beginning I talked about recently being diagnosed. I was recently diagnosed, okay, and I have ADHD combined, which means I have both types. I have um chronic PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. But I and I have I'm diagnosed with autistic presenting traits, but not the disorder, not complete autism. And I I've been battling that, but a lot of my weirdness can be explained by trauma. Right? So one of the things that I do a lot now is I consistently go to the college for massages at the massage clinic, okay, because I need that on a budget. Yes, I need that on the budget. Okay. I go to um I I go to the professional services. Okay, I go to schools, like beauty schools, spa schools, and they do facials on you. They need people to practice on you. I get it at a discount. They're doing the same thing, and they're under the supervision of an actual licensed aesthetician or whatever you're getting. So it's like you're getting what you need to regulate your body at a discount. I do that often. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. And it's crazy because I wrote out my calendar for the year, but I haven't been following it like, okay, this week, I'll just happen to look at it. I'll plan, like, yeah, I'm going to get my hair done this day, or I'm going to get my locks in. I'm going to get my hair out when my curls popping because I'm about to lock my hair up. And I swear on my calendar and say, somehow lock your hair. Like, oh, it's just like it's just coming up subconsciously. And then it says, today I'm supposed to go to the spa. I'm about to be doing tomorrow. I spend a lot of time in the outside jacuzzi. I like that dynamic of being outside in the cool weather and having that warm weather. And warm water actually helps your nervous system. So letting my nervous system get comfortable to these things. I noticed that when I have a massage, I had a massage last week. When I lay on my back, I'm still very tense. I'm still in my head. The anxiety comes up. I'm like, okay, oh, what kind of pressure? What movement is that? I'm wondering her fingers or was that the back of her hand or was that her knuckles? Or I'm just constantly thinking. When she put me on my stomach, made me happy. You hear me? No, that shit is crazy. So I feel safe in that position. I don't know why. I feel safe when I can just relax and let her do whatever she's doing. So that's the big thing. I gotta text her to you. But anyway, um, I just consistently want to show up for my body so my body can process. It looks like float therapy, where you get in that little tub, it's a thousand pounds of epsom salt. It just makes you float and just in that sink. You don't gotta know how to sweat. And it's a little bit of worry, you can't drown. But you're in there and you just floating and you relax it, and it's helping you pull all them toxins out of your body as well. Once you the Korean spa. Um, aside from the jacuzzi, I like to sit in the rooms, plan to sit in the rooms because it be hot. So I have like some type of towel or blanket or something in there, my little bag of water. Sit up in there and work with my computer. Tomorrow I plan to write my book. Yes, I plan to finish whatever needs to be finished and finish writing my book because it's so important. I need this to get out here. It's so important. I need my book to be out here. Okay. I'm trying to think what else do I do? Just art museums. And I love going by water, going to lakes and rivers. I want to hear the water. I run the shower a lot. No, that's bad, but I run the shower a lot. Just sitting in there, just allowing it to just soothe my nervous system. There's no better option than just running the shower, but you know, that's what I do. Okay. This is my podcast, okay. But just giving you ideas, make that a part of your routine. Do it on a budget. You don't gotta have the best, you don't gotta pull up hand and stone and massage envy, and you know, go find you a group on. Go find you a group on, hello. There's this place in um Laurel, Maryland called Floatus. They got a$59.99 plan, you get one per month for their little membership. Okay, period. Now I need 90 minutes, so I'll be trying to figure out how I can get the extra 30 on there for the same price. But start you somewhere. Get into that sound bath, floating sound baths, uh sound bath in a pool. The Pearl in Columbia, Maryland, they do a lot of those. The Salon, Salam, I forgot the name of it. It's in DC. Um, they do, they do them too.$135, the pearls cheaper. But every once in a while, I'll go to, you know, I'll go to both. Well, it depends on who I'm trying to rub shoulders with. You know what I mean? What kind of mood am I in? Do that. Show up for yourself. Sound bath with a little yoga at the end. A little yoga with a little sound bath at the end. Like, do that. The the Sedona House in Baltimore on Wednesday mornings. Hello. Hello. I love a good sound bath. I ain't really, I ain't really a yoga person yet, but I'll be trying, I've been sticking through it so I can get to the sound bath, okay? That's that's I came from the sound bath. But then when you come out, you feel all good. Boom, water, it's like a double whammy. Like, yeah. So oh, Pilates. Oh my god, love Pilates. That's such a good one. Dancing, any type of dance, consistently dancing, dancing, dancing, equal, dancing, equal, dancing, equal. But yeah, dancing. That's a somatic way, breath work, um, the drainage, the drainage, you know what I'm talking about. Gut health, eating um a non-inflammatory diet, how you say it, like a Mediterranean diet, like not eating foods that's gonna blow your ass up, like all of that is going to help your body, okay? And then processing others without losing yourself. That's important, having that emotional intelligence. Because emotional intelligence is not just internal, it's relational. So if somebody is dysregulated, you don't want to match their state. I used to hate that. My ex would match my state, like I'm dying regulating, something is happening, I don't feel safe. Whether you feel like you did something or not, why would you match my state? You're mad because I'm upset. Tell me how it makes sense. You don't want to match anybody's state. You want to regulate yourself first and then respond. Stuff like, I hear you, but I need a minute. Okay, what you're saying matters. I need a second. I want to talk about this, just not like this. I want to talk about this. I just don't want to be talking apt, you know. I'm here, but let's slow down. I think we're getting, you know, everybody, I think everybody should take a breath. You don't want to absorb the chaos, that's the thing. And if you're anything like me, you're looking for a dopamine hit. And chaos equals dopamine hit. Let me write that down for you. I say chaos equals dopamine. Chaos equals dopamine. Chaos equals dopamine. That means that arguing, that somebody trying to prove you wrong, somebody telling you you wrong. Now you feel like you need to go back and forth with them. And you start to miss that in people too. When you're just in a state where you're cool, calm, and collected, it feels weird, like nothing's happening. No dopamine hit. You need to go exercise, you need to go move, you need to go walk, you need to go outside, you need to ground yourself, you need to go barefoot. Okay, you need to eat vegetarian for a while because your body is going to crave dopamine in the form of chaos. Yes, yes, yes. Clip that it's very important that you understand that. I've I haven't heard anybody talk about that. Just you have to be able to regulate yourself first and notice that state coming on so that you don't absorb their chaos and you can actually anchor yourself. You can actually see yourself in that moment getting riled up and anchor yourself, okay? So don't shoot me. Don't shoot me. I'm just the messenger, okay, friend? But most of us are walking around here dysregulated. Don't shoot me. Most of us are walking around here dysregulated. Thinking it's normal. Yes, we think it's normal. We think it's just who we are. It's not, it's a learned survival response. It's a survival response. A lot of us, I swear, we think it's our personality. I just pop off. Most of us are dysregulated. Most of us are judging. Most of us have some type of paranoia, PTSD controlling us. Most of us have some type of neurological differences where we probably do have ADHD and our brain works a little bit differently. And we do need a little bit of grace, and we need to be giving a little bit of grace. Right? It's a survival mechanism, survival response, and it can change with awareness first, of course, but more importantly, with practice and intention, knowing that it exists and knowing that you're prone to showing up like this and catching yourself quicker and quicker before you full-blown go into who the fuck you talking to, mode. You feel what I'm saying? So this week, I want you to do one thing. When you feel triggered, don't ask, why am I like this? Ask what state am I in right now? Fight, flight, freeze, or find. And then support your body. What do you need? You're in fight mode. You need gentleness. What do you need in fight mode? Gentleness. I didn't mean it like that. Sometimes you can ask questions. What do you mean? What do you mean by that? Don't pop off and go. No, what do you mean by that? Same thing. Flight. What state am I in? Oh, you in flight? Okay, what do I need? Sometimes you might just need assurance. And you gotta look for it in yourself first. I have to assure myself you are safe, you're okay. I'm teaching that to my son. He he feels his emotions really big, and I see myself in him every time. And I'm like, tell yourself I'm okay. And that's what I used to have to do. I used to feel sound dumb, like somebody sitting right there in my face. And I would be, I would be rocking, and I would be like, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. And I used to do that all the time. And people, it would just people be trying to stop you, and people and make people feel so uncomfortable. Fuck them, okay? Because you're the one that has to go through your life, nobody else. So we got to find a way to support our body. Freeze, same thing. What do I need in this moment? I need to feel safe. I need to know that I am safe. That's like a j uh uh you and a safari and a lion coming after you, and you freeze. What do you need in that moment? You need covering, you need shelter, you need to feel safe, you need to know everything's okay. In those moments, I like to do things like washing my hands with warm water, bring myself back to the present moment. You have to bring yourself back to the present moment. Fawning. Am I people pleasing? What do I need right now? What do I want right now? Asking yourself those questions and then supporting your body and giving it to you. Sometimes you might just need a pedicure. Go get that. And then have the conversation. Then have the difficult conversation. Don't judge your body and what you need. That's the most important thing. That's the hardest thing. It sounds so simple and it is, but it's the hardest thing to do consistently, especially if you're neurodivergent and you have issues with consistency. So let's slow down. Inhale. Do that three times. Your body is not your enemy. You keep falling into the same loops over and over again. You just feeling like, all right, just this one last time for whatever it is. Getting the steak and cheese, getting the cheesecake, calling the man, calling the woman. Just feel the urge, sit with that urge the next time. Allow yourself to feel that sensation. Takes about 90 seconds for it to go away. Allow yourself to feel that sensation and think all the thoughts that come with it and don't move. Realize what state you're in, slow it down. Your body is not your enemy, it's just trying to protect you. So we gotta learn how to speak the real body language. Okay, bottom line: you're not your reactions, you are the awareness behind them. You will see real transformation in your everyday life when you start showing up, understanding not only your states, but other people's states. Because that will cause you less stress because they're not blowing up, or because you can nip it in the bud before they even start. Understanding when you need dopamine, thinking figuring out other ways to go get that dopamine instead of chaos, argument, conflict, and then saying, I don't like conflict, which you don't like conflict. But your brain can't help. But want to go back and forth when you know this person is wrong, why do you need to go back and forth with them? There's no reason. They're wrong. Yes, and they're wrong. You know what I mean? You don't have to go back and forth. That's what causes the chaos. The ball is in your court and you choose to throw it back. No, put it down, you're not gonna play the game. The more you learn your states, the more you can choose how you show up. That is emotional intelligence. This is where awareness becomes power. Okay, like it's it's more than just the awareness. This is where it becomes power. You doing something, you executing on it, you making a plan, you showing up, get inspired by me, get into your spa bag, really enjoy taking care of your body. Warm baths, body scrubs. Oh, I love body scrub, body scrubs. This is where your patterns begin to shift because you're actually giving yourself what you need. Telling your body it's okay. It's okay for me to be here, it's okay for me to relax, it's okay for me to breathe. It's okay. It's okay for me to take a nap. It's okay for me not to go. It's okay for me to go on leave from work. It's okay for me to say, hey, something's wrong here. It's okay for me to go get evaluated, giving my body what I need. I'm able to get the support that I need. That's important. We got to be honest with ourselves, and then we gotta show up and deliver. This is healing in real time. Peace and heaven, y'all. I'm out.