cognitive dissonance is affecting your everyday life || healthy habits, better relationships, self reflection, introspection

Welcome to episode 3 of things we say in therapy; your scheduled self-reflection. This episode centres around how cognitive dissonance shapes your everyday life and stops you from achieving your goals. We talk about the psychology behind it, finishing with practical advice on how to reframe your mind, reduce dissonance and move towards a better future! Enjoy!

Transcript

Hello and welcome back to your regularly scheduled self-reflection. I'm Tash, and this is things we say in therapy, A space to feel seen and heard, and to learn new things. You'll hear a blend of psychological insight along with my own personal stories, often to do with the more unspoken sides of mental health.

If this information speaks to your experience, that's amazing. I'm so happy you're here. If not, I hope it helps with your growth in the future. Everyone's story is different and that's fine.

Now, let's get onto today's topic. Have you ever set a goal and [00:01:00] really, really wanted to achieve it, been consistent for a few days, and then just fell off

even though it was something that you really wanted? I.

The problem that you have isn't willpower.

It's actually to do with the perception that you have of yourself.

Today's topic is going to be the cognitive dissonance theory. Uh.

And the cognitive dissonance theory is lesser known as the law of sustainment.

So if you're having problems with cognitive dissonance and you conquer it, it helps you to sustain things within your life a bit more, help you achieve your goals, and being consistent.

Cognitive dissonance isn't just a boring psychological concept.

It is actually a lot less boring than it sounds

learning about it and seeing how it affects your day-to-day activities can help you get past that annoying cycle of staying consistent with something for a few days

and then just falling back into old patterns.

This isn't just a psychological concept, it actually affects quite a lot of things day to day, [00:02:00] and it's hidden within your life

from habits to relationships, and it's really worth reflecting on within yourself. So let's get into it.

So this theory states that you will not be able to stay consistent with something if it directly contradicts, your perception of yourself,

if it contradicts your self beliefs

and your perceived identity is going to be really difficult for you to stay consistent with that activity, whatever it may be. As humans, we typically strive psychologically to stay consistent between our beliefs and our actions, and if there is a dissonance or a difference between the actions that we're trying to complete and the beliefs that we have.

It's very psychologically frustrating and uncomfortable for us.

It essentially causes an internal conflict within your brain, like a push and pull of, am I here, am I there? And it can be really confusing [00:03:00] in trying to figure out who we are as a person.

If you're not very self-aware that you have this cognitive dissonance, it can be even more frustrating because you actually, you just have no idea what's going on in there. Um, I know that I've really struggled with that in the past. Before studying psychology. I've had a lot of dissonance between doing things that aren't very good for me, knowing they're bad for me, and still doing them.

Some every everyday examples are things like wanting to be fit and strong, but eating badly and not exercising. Staying in toxic friendships and relationships that we know are not serving us,

you're convincing yourself that they've changed or they're trying. I know that's a common one in romantic relationships. But in actuality, you just don't want to be alone, and so you're convincing yourself of something that doesn't match reality.

Another one is hating what you do for [00:04:00] work, but convincing yourself that it's the safe and secure option. And so you convince yourself to stay, five years later, you're like, oh, what have I done? I've wasted so much time. Um, or convincing yourself that it's just a temporary thing and deep down, you actually don't have a plan to change your situation or leave at all.

Um, doubling down on bad decisions that you've made. because. Going through with that bad decision and saving face is better to you than just admitting that you've made a mistake,

and so you try to convince yourself that you've made the right decision or you try and convince others that you've made the right decision.

A big one in the world right now is doubling down on your political beliefs and not taking in new information on purpose and blocking out Because of a loyalty to one party. I won't go too much into [00:05:00] that. but you know the people I'm talking about, the ones who just blindly follow along.

and just accepting everything that's said by the leader of that party because it's easier than actually critically thinking and taking a new information.

Another one that really gets under my skin that I've had a lot of dealings with in my personal life is moral hypocrisy, which if you haven't heard of it, is basically, someone who tries to sound like they're doing the right thing and tries to convince everyone around them that they're being moral , but then their actions completely contradict their words.

Like someone who applies high standards to other people and the people around them, but doesn't actually abide by them themselves so that they don't have to go through what it takes to actually be moral, like someone who really cares about the environment but then [00:06:00] buys past fashion because of the convenience of it kind of thing.

Or someone that I've had to deal with in my personal life is someone who is like, oh, you can come to me about anything you can. You can tell me anything. I'm always gonna be there for you. I'm always gonna listen, dah, dah, dah. Then you go to them with something that bothers you and they essentially shut you down deflect, get defensive because they don't wanna deal with the work it actually takes to be that person who can talk about anything and be there, you know, no matter what the circumstances are.

So essentially, human brains really struggle to deal with the, the conflict, the difference between actions and beliefs. So if there is a mismatch, we really struggle to deal with it. Hence the frustration that I was talking about before. So our brains will try and do one of three things, change behavior, [00:07:00] change belief, or try and justify whatever it is that you're doing.

As humans, we often try and justify and change our beliefs instead of our actions , because it's a lot easier to justify our actions within our heads. Like the saying , you can literally justify anything if you try hard enough. , Or you can make excuses for anything if you try hard enough.

It's so true. Our brains are so powerful , and if we are doing something that is habitual that we've been doing for so long, or we're an emotionally reactive person, it's much easier to stay within those patterns instead of doing the work to change them. So instead, we justify those beliefs and we justify those actions in our heads because it's a lot easier.

So getting back to how dissonance affects our everyday life. [00:08:00] So if we are trying to change our habits and if we hold certain beliefs about ourselves.

And we're trying to act on something that doesn't align with our current beliefs about ourself. The body will just slowly return back to those old habits because of the mismatch between our beliefs that we're holding about ourselves and the actions that we're trying to complete.

it's easier for us to justify why we're not doing those habits than to actually change our thought processes.

It's a lot easier for us to justify why we're not completing those actions that we wanna be completing than it is to actually do the mental gymnastics it takes to change , what we think of ourselves.

So there might be a dissonance between your ideal self, who you want to be and your current habits and beliefs about yourself. So if you want to be running a business, but you are someone who tends not to take risks , you're not going to keep up with those habits that align with that person that you [00:09:00] want to be, and it basically will end in inconsistency and procrastination and numbing behaviors.

A small habit that you would need to adopt in order to start running a business would be to maybe wake up a bit earlier so that you can get things done in the morning, have a fresh start to the day. You know, there's so many reasons you could think of why you'd wanna do that, right?

But then you end up doom scrolling until 2:00 AM. not hating on anyone who does this. I literally do this. and it's a numbing and procrastination behavior because you subconsciously don't believe that you're actually able to complete this because you are not that type of person in your own head.

in order to try and combat this, it is important to understand things that increase these dissonance behaviors versus how to go about things in order to create sustainable growth.

Something to really be aware of, is social media, echo chambers.

Social media echo chambers can be really toxic, it's essentially the idea that across social [00:10:00] platforms you will constantly be fed information that validates your current belief systems. And if you are constantly engaging with that content, it can stop you from seeing things from a different point of view and developing sustainable growth patterns mentally because you are being fed things that validate potentially toxic beliefs about yourself.

Um. So it's a really good idea to do research. Look outside of the things that come up on your algorithm, if that makes sense.

Platforms always register things that you engage with, and just consistently feed you the same stuff.

The idea is to keep you on the platforms for as long as possible, so it's best to just keep an eye on that and be open to engaging with, different content and think about how it compares to your current belief systems.

A really toxic example of this is red pill content like, How it's really affecting younger generations because men [00:11:00] are usually fed this, the horrible, misogynistic stuff that is spewed out by horrible people on the internet, and they're easily influenced, right? It's happening more often than you think, so just be careful with what you're engaging with and be open to having those discussions with yourself.

But the reason that this affects the cognitive dissonance is because you easily get fed content that can feed your justifications for your actions because other people are experiencing those things as well. And obviously we're gonna like, share, comment on things that we identify with, right?

And then you're just gonna get fed more and more stuff like that. So it's, it gets easier to justify the things that you're doing. going a step further beyond that, if you're avoiding acknowledging the dissonance and, the procrastination symptoms and the numbing behaviors that you are engaging in, then the dissonance, becomes wider and wider that gap, that mismatch between your beliefs and your [00:12:00] actions, it just becomes more and more solidified and the more solid solidified it is, the higher the mental noise is because you're having that push pull, push pull like, I don't know who I am, I'm doing this, but I believe this and I want to be in this place and I'm not there.

Why am I not there? but then you're still engaging in the procrastination and the numbing behaviors and the mental noise it creates a snowball of like, it creates a snowball effect and it's getting worse, and it's getting worse, and The more mental noise you have, the further you get into this dissonance, the further away you get from being who you want to be and getting to where you want to go. So it's really important to acknowledge those behaviors

so here's when cognitive dissonance becomes a growth opportunity. First of all, you really, really need to practice acceptance and self-compassion. I will talk about this in almost every single topic that I talk about on this podcast because it's so relevant in every single [00:13:00] context.

If you are in this state of cognitive dissonance and you have a lot of mental noise and you're really frustrated at yourself because you can't get to where you want to go. That is when you need to be compassionate towards yourself the most, when you feel like you deserve it, the least that is when you need it the most.

Being kind to yourself is so important, especially when you feel like you don't deserve it, you can't shame yourself into being productive. You can't shame yourself into being the best version of yourself. When you think about it, it's really silly, but it's so easy to do and I understand. Why I am the biggest

hypocrite preaching this, like it's so easier to give other people advice that you don't take for yourself, but it really is just so important being kind to yourself.

So the number one tactic I have here for growth when it comes to this cognitive dissonance idea is remembering and reminding yourself [00:14:00] that productivity and growth and getting to where you want to be in life isn't formed from consistent motivation and willpower. You need to remind yourself that your beliefs and actions need to be aligned.

First, you need to work on your self beliefs and your self perception. You need to have a firm idea of where you want to be, where you want to go. Then you need to figure out how you're gonna get there, and then you need to align your actions with that.

Motivation is never going to be consistent, so you need to be consistent with how you speak to yourself, with your vision, with your goal. It doesn't have to be anything big. It can literally be drinking more water like I am a hydrated queen. You just need to tell yourself that and you will be drinking more water.

I'm telling you.

In order to get to this spot where you have. A plan, you need to do an audit. You need to identify the areas in your life where [00:15:00] you have dissonance.

You need to acknowledge. Even if you're not writing it down, if you're just thinking about it, you need to acknowledge where you are now, where you want to be. So identify areas that you want to change, and then you need to write down all the things that are blocking you from making that change. So instead of thinking about how you can change, think about what's stopping you from changing.

Because if you are trying to make those changes before you're acknowledging what's stopping you, then it's just you. You're pushing and that's pushing back. You are pushing forward, trying to get to where you wanna be, but things are still blocking you and you're just gonna go back to that inconsistency.

So identify what's blocking you first.

Another tactic, which I spoke about in episode one about self-trust is micro alignments. So, or micro habits. I can't remember what I called it in the first episode, but it's the same idea. You're basically completing small tasks that are going to help you align with who you want to be and where you [00:16:00] want to be,

and it helps you keep your actions consistent with what you want to identify as. Use a random example if you want to be a writer. Then every single day you set a timer for five, 10 minutes a day and you just write just, even if it's just a brain dump, you just write. That'll get you into a habit of doing that every single day. And then it's easier to think I'm a writer 'cause you are doing it every single day consistently, and it doesn't take much effort.

It is that easy to reframe your perception of yourself, your self image. It's that easy. Doing something every single day will help you think, oh, I actually can do this. I actually am this. Maybe I can increase my actions to identify with that self-belief.

Finally, I think it's worthy doing this audit of your life, because once you've done this and you start aligning your actions with your beliefs and who you [00:17:00] want to be. It can help you live more intentionally. If you are engaging in this procrastination and the these numbing behaviors and sort of letting life pass you by, it's very passive, You're not living your life.

I think it can be, be really motivating and really helpful to acknowledge that. once you identify these areas that you wanna change and how to actually do them, I,

it can be really healing to start living your life intentionally as who you want to be.

once your actions and your self identity start to align more, you're in a much more stable and powerful place to be able to take further steps. And instead of snowballing into that mental noise, you're snowballing into a better future for yourself. Please don't forget to be compassionate with yourself along the way.

That is the most important thing because if you are not able to take these bigger steps just yet, being kind to yourself is [00:18:00] above all else the best thing you can do for yourself.

And remember that not being where you want to be is just another opportunity to grow. Thank you so much for listening to episode three. I'm Tash. This is things we say in Therapy. You can find me on TikTok and Instagram as things we say in therapy. I'm so glad you joined me today. There will be a new episode out every single Monday. And I'll be posting a video version of this podcast on YouTube very soon. If not this episode, it'll be very soon.

I hope you are having a wonderful day. Please consider subscribing and liking and commenting and sharing.

If you are comfortable doing so, please comment down below areas of your life where you've felt dissonance 

be kind to yourself. I'll see you again. Bye.

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