Stop being afraid of conflict: tell them what you really feel || resentment, emotional maturity, trust, communication

In this episode of Things We Say in Therapy we explore the power of giving and receiving the kind of “bad” feedback that feels uncomfortable but strengthens relationships. We unpack why honest communication matters, how avoiding it fuels resentment, and why emotionally mature connections can tolerate discomfort. You’ll learn how to give feedback with compassion, receive it without defensiveness, and recognise when feedback is being misused. We also explore projection, accountability, and how feedback reveals who is truly safe for deep connection. This episode is a guide to building relationships rooted in authenticity, growth, and meaningful dialogue—while avoiding the traps of over-criticism and conflict avoidance. New episodes every Monday; come back for some mental health and psychological insight, self-reflection and practical tools for improving your mental health. 

Transcript

Hi everyone. Welcome back to your regularly scheduled self-reflection. I am Tash, and this is things we say in therapy. A place to feel seen,

to learn some psychology and to self-reflect on some important truths to improve your mental health. Before I get into this episode, I'd just like to remind you to follow me on social media. I'm on Instagram and TikTok, and if you're watching on YouTube, you'll know that I'm on YouTube.

If you are listening on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, please leave me a rating and a comment and give me a follow. I release new episodes every single Monday. and I'd love to get my message out there.

So let's get into today's topic.

This episode is all about giving and receiving bad feedback.

[00:01:00] This is not about insulting people. This is not about giving yourself an excuse to be mean. Or to say things that you know are going to hurt others. This is about being able to tolerate the uncomfortable honesty that comes with improving your relationships

and that leads to growth.

This is not to say that you should nitpick at other people's behavior or point out every single little thing that annoys you or irritates you. this message is a lot deeper than that.

The reasons that we avoid giving and receiving feedback with our loved ones is usually to do with a fear of conflict with that person. A fear of abandonment if we hear something that we don't necessarily like.

If you have low self-worth, if you bring, bring up things to a loved one and you're afraid to hear something back that could hurt your feelings or hit insecurities,

or you could be scared of criticism because of past experiences.

This episode is going to explore giving and [00:02:00] receiving feedback as a psychological tool

in order to promote healthy connection with your friends and loved ones, and not to be used as a weapon to hurt people.

Giving and receiving bad feedback.

It requires emotional maturity, emotional safety, and self-awareness. And later on in the episode you'll learn why becoming comfortable with giving and receiving feedback will help you develop important relationships and weed out the fake ones.

Now, before I get into the psychology of this, I want to further highlight that opening a conversation like this with a loved one is an act of care.

Whether this involves you pointing out something

that has hurt you, that they have done,

or whether you are pointing out a toxic pattern within your relationship

that a loved one might be exhibiting, that they don't see themselves, that you think addressing would help improve your relationship with them.

Anything along those lines. This is meant to enhance relationships and not destroy them. So [00:03:00] stay until the end for some questions that might help you on the areas of your life or patterns within your relationships

that are stopping you from being able to have that uncomfortable honesty.

So let's move on to the interesting part. Why am I talking about this? Why does having honest feedback matter in your relationships? This involves the psychology of connection.

Now, a part of psychology that is involved in this, that you may have already heard of is attachment theory,

I'm sure you've heard of the different attachment types. Secure, avoidant, anxious. Or a less common one, or lesser known one, is a disorganized attachment, which is kind of a mix of them. secure relationships, which is what we're all striving for, are built on communication and repair, and knowing how to repair relationships when things go wrong.

Avoiding these issues leads to avoidant and anxious patterns, which then leaks into avoidant [00:04:00] and anxious and disorganized attachments to people.

Having honest feedback helps prevent resentment and staying silent about issues that are bothering you.

In the description of this episode, I'll include some psychological

studies and articles that highlight that having silent resentment with somebody is actually a lot more damaging than conflict itself,

which again highlights the importance of becoming comfortable with, with opening up to somebody about issues within a relationship.

I am sure at some point in your life you've held or been on the receiving end of resentment. I know. I definitely have.

It's not nice from either end and it ruins relationships. It's ruined some of my relationships. You might not even be aware that it's there if you're not aware of what it is or how it can affect you,

and I hope that this episode helps with that.

Later on in the episode, I'll dig into my personal stories of resentment.

So in a healthy relationship giving feedback, it signals investment.

It [00:05:00] signals care about the relationship. You are attempting to repair the relationship by bringing up these issues.

Someone who lacks emotional maturity won't understand that, and that's something to note while you are developing this skill.

I know that I've been in friendships where addressing a problem was seen as being.

Abrasive and causing problems, and I was labeled as you know, dramatic and things like that when an actual fact I was attempting to address an issue from my end. I was attempting to repair the relationship, but it wasn't seen that way.

It's important to know that, so both people kind of have to be on the same page in order for this to work. Without giving and receiving feedback, relationships can plateau. They lack depth. There's no learning about each other. There's no evolution. There's no intimacy between you because.

You are lacking that honesty. It's very surface level.

If, if you are someone who's comfortable with having.

Lots of [00:06:00] surface level relationships with people. Obviously, you don't need to explore this in every single friendship or relationship that you have.

The depth in your relationships kind of depends on you, I guess, and you can decide what you wanna do with them. I'm just trying to highlight how

this aspect of relationships can improve them.

There's nothing wrong with having surface level relationships.

I am not really someone who can tolerate surface level relationships, so this is huge for me, learning how to give and take honest feedback because I, I love to get deep with people. I.

I need to be able to talk to you about my darkest secrets,

and it's important to know that emotionally safe relationships, they require discomfort and they support it.

Because they're rooted in authenticity and really getting to know each other,

and like I said before, it only really works well if both people understand this. And if they don't, then it's a signal that maybe the relationship isn't [00:07:00] worth investing in as much as you are.

Being able to accept feedback as well as giving it to people is another level of emotional maturity.

When we hear things that we don't necessarily like or something that bruises our ego, we can have ego defense mechanisms. These are things like going into denial, projecting, turning things onto the other person, trying to attack the other person for something they've done. Um, instead of addressing the, the issue at hand. Recognizing when this shows up in yourself is emotional maturity,

because being corrected, being called out for something, it triggers a threat response in our brains.

Getting bad feedback. It feels like a danger. It feels like abandonment. It's triggering our rejection sensitivity. It can trigger feelings of not being good enough if that's something that you're insecure about. That's [00:08:00] definitely one of mine

things that developed in our child childhood things that Are our childhood wounds,

things that developed our attachment types but practicing emotional regulation

and identifying these areas really helps with your emotional maturity.

Having emotional maturity doesn't mean you aren't reacting. It doesn't mean that you don't have that initial hurt feeling about something that someone's saying to you, but it just means that you are able to manage your thoughts better. You're able to manage your reaction without going off getting defensive or attacking that person because you feel hurt yourself.

It's important to distinguish behavior from identity. So differentiate. "I did something wrong" with "I am wrong", or "who I am is wrong" because they're different things.

Learning to take accountability in situations like this, it strengthens trust in relationships.

It signifies reliability [00:09:00] and ability to communicate.

People with higher self-esteem are able to accept feedback more easily because their sense of self isn't feeling targeted and attacked from getting some feedback from someone that they love. If you have a fragile sense of self, any kind of implication that you have done something wrong, can feel like someone is attacking your character. It can feel like they're attacking who you are.

In the past, I have lost friendships because I'm someone who is very upfront about these things. I'm someone who will call people out on their behavior, and I do my best to do it in a compassionate and tactical way in order not to initiate defensiveness or

things like that.

I can't tolerate an elephant in the room. I have to say something, when it's bothered me for more than like three days or so,

but I've had friends in the past that when I attempted to communicate with them about these [00:10:00] things, they took it as an attack on their entire character, though they, they.

said that they thought that they could get nothing right or do anything right, because even though I was bringing up these things as an act of care in order to, express my sort of disappointment, it was taken a as an attack every time. And obviously that friendship fell apart because

when you have someone who is able to deal with that honest feedback and is able to have those uncomfortable, honest conversations and someone who isn't, it's a very uneven relationship and

there becomes a lot of resentment because there's no honest conversation from one of the sides, and then nothing's really resolved because the conversation ebbs and weaves and, oh, but you've done this and it can get complicated.

But although that was painful at first, it sort of helped me realize that those friendships just weren't for me. They weren't built on a solid foundation in which I [00:11:00] felt I could trust and communicate well.

There was a lack of comfortability in that connection. And absolutely no room for growth.

So let's move on to how to give feedback with grace and understanding and compassion

in order to put this into perspective. Let's. Compare assertive communication to aggressive or passive communication.

Being assertive with your communication means being honest, but with respect for that other person,

without using, you know, rude language or accusative language. Using things like, "I feel this way because of this", or "I feel that..." instead of, "you always do this, so this affects our relationship in this way because you do this". If you frame it in a way that. Highlights your feelings about the situation.

It reduces the other person's defensive mechanisms.

Another way to give feedback with grace is to [00:12:00] make sure that you are emotionally regulated at the time. If you are feeling upset about something that someone has done or about a, a pattern that annoys you and you are feeling really roughed up and pissed off, and you go to that person to try and have a conversation;

there can be some emotive language that comes up, especially if it's not met well.

Something I've mentioned in a previous episode is using the 24 hour rule, so if it's still bothering you after 24 to 72 hours, then you say something

waiting. That period of time also helps to reduce that emotion that may have been building up. Heightened emotions activate the amygdala in your brain, which is the emotion center.

And when the amygdala is activated, it actually reduces empathy. so this means that you are less able to sort of curate words in an understanding way. Put yourself in that other person's shoes. In order to know how your words are gonna come [00:13:00] across,

something else to be aware of is your intent. Having the right intention in these situations matters. Are you giving feedback to this person to help your connection with them or. Are you giving them feedback in order to correct them, in order to try and get them to be someone that you want them to be instead of who they actually are?

And now being completely honest,

i've struggled with the difference between these before.

It is difficult to let go of long lasting relationships and friendships, especially when you've grown attached to this person when they're embedded in your life.

And because I didn't want to let them go. And I was growing a resentment for this person.

I would try to correct them. I wanted them to be the way that I wanted them to be so that I wouldn't get pissed off with them, and so that the friendship would work.

I did this for a long time. Instead of accepting that I just didn't align with this person, I so badly wanted that [00:14:00] friendship to work. 'cause there was a lot of things that I enjoyed about it, but their values and morals just didn't match mine and I didn't wanna accept that. I learned from my mistakes. It doesn't end well.

Try and accept it early on.

Something else you can do is ask consent before you start the conversation. You could say, are you open to some feedback?

This reduces the threat perception in that other person

and allows you to open the conversation without it sounding accusatory

Now. You need to be able to take what you give

and you need to learn to be open to having difficult conversations about your own behavior as well.

Some tactics to work on in order to be able to do this include pausing before reacting. This interrupts the automatic defense responses. Like I mentioned before, if you wait a certain period of time, your emotions are less heightened, you are able to be more empathetic towards what the other person is saying.

Put yourself in their shoes. If they were [00:15:00] doing the same thing to you, how would you react? It allows you to see where they're coming from a little bit more.

But over time, as you practice not reacting straight away to that initial hurt, that initial emotion you get when you hear something you don't like, the easier it gets to just stop and digest it, understand, and then come at it at a place of curiosity rather than defensiveness.

People who are emotionally intelligent can tolerate that discomfort for long enough. In order to understand the other person's perspective,

you need to reflect before you respond.

That growth and that connection and that trust is only gonna build when you react out of understanding and out of reflection and not defensiveness.

Choosing accountability. When someone comes to you with an issue they have with your behavior or an issue they have in their relationship with you, it is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationships and long term satisfaction. So take that. Take [00:16:00] with that, what you will.

Another reason to value relationships and friendships where you give and take honest feedback is being able to do this with someone actually just reveals who is a safe person for you and who isn't. People who shut down, lash out, or shame you for.

Bringing up concerns. They often lack emotional availability, conflict avoidant relationships. They can feel peaceful a majority of the time, but they lack depth and they lack honesty and they can breed silent resentment because you never bring up things that bother you. No relationship or friendship is perfect enough for you to never have a problem with that person.

And real true relationships can survive those difficult conversations. Fake and shallow connections. They crumble under the pressure.

People who are unwilling to take accountability, they often operate from fragile egos. They don't know themselves very well. They have low self-worth, and they have [00:17:00] unhealed wounds that they haven't worked on. Healthy people and healthy relationships value this feedback because it strengthens connection.

Something to be aware of is the danger of over criticizing someone or nitpicking. Constant criticism; it activates

the Brain's Social Pain Network.

This process is emotional pain, similarly to physical pain.

Giving someone too much feedback and nitpicking on their behavior can feel like controlling behavior and it creates emotional insecurity. the person on the receiving end of it will feel like they're stepping on eggshells.

Not every single behavior that irritates you or annoys you needs correction or needs a conversation. Sometimes the issue is actually your own discomfort and not the other person's wrongdoing.

A good guideline to know the difference between these two things is, like I mentioned before, your intention. Is your intention to improve the connection with this person, or is it to try and control their [00:18:00] behavior?

The goal is to improve the safety in the relationship and the mutual connection.

People do need room to be imperfect. No one is perfect. Every person makes mistakes. You need to look at people's behavior the way they are. If their behavior that you're getting pissed off with is not to do with your relationship and it's just to do with who they are and you don't like it, the relationship's not for you.

The friendship's not for you. It's time to accept that and move on, or maybe just have a more shallow connection with this person. That is the hard truth of it. You need to take people where they are. You can't force someone to become emotionally mature. You can't force someone to be available. They have to work on that themselves.

Unfortunately.

So when you are finding yourself, giving frequent feedback to somebody and

it is over small things like their habits, their tone of voice, their

preferences. You might be doing it to regulate your own discomfort instead of trying to improve the connection with [00:19:00] this person. So here is when not to give feedback.

Number one, when you are emotionally dysregulated.

When you are powered up with emotion, when you're pissed off, when you're angry, when you're irritated, the amygdala is on fire and you are not able to understand where this other per, where the other person might be coming from

or why they might be doing what they're doing. Number two, when the timing isn't appropriate.

When you're overstimulated, when there's too many things going on, this reduces your capacity for processing. It reduces the other person's capacity to, to process and reflect on what you're saying wrong time.

Number three, when your feedback is being given in the hopes of trying to change their core identity, their values, their beliefs, their personality traits, the uncomfortable reality is that you just don't gel with that person.

Number four, this is a big one when you are actually projecting your own. Insecurities here is how to tell if you are projecting

when the feedback is fueled by urgency is fueled by [00:20:00] irritation, by anger. There's a fuel by emotion rather than connection.

If the feedback is fueled by wanting to feel like you are in the right, by wanting to control a situation, by wanting to feel superior,

You are projecting if the issue is about personal standards that you hold for yourself,

if they're not mutual agreements or universal standards.

You can't project the rules that you hold for yourself unto other people that doesn't warrant feedback

if you're criticizing them on traits that you dislike in,

for example, if you fear being lazy. You'll criticize other people for not trying hard enough. If you

fear that you are an unlovable person, you'll nitpick how others show affection.

Or if you fear being judged, then you'll judge people first and extra hard. I definitely know people like that.

And finally, it might be projection if you can't articulate a clear reason why you are giving this person feedback.

If you can't explain how it strengthens the [00:21:00] trust within the relationship, how it improves the connection, or how it solves a recurring problem within the relationship,

then it might just be an internal issue for you and not a relational one.

So here is how to talk to your loved ones to try and cultivate a culture where giving feedback is the norm. 'em,

so it doesn't shock anybody when you try and start up conversations like this.

You can set up mutual agreements together, like "we can talk about difficult things and we can feel uncomfortable together without attacking each other for it."

Normalize trying to repair your relationship together. It's you two against the issue, not you two against each other, and if it is you two against each other, it's just not the right relationship

or friendship.

You need to have conversations about being curious about each other's behavior.

You need to have empathy for each other, and you need to have patience for those times when your behavior is imperfect.

In order for relationships and [00:22:00] friendships to work, you need to value open dialogue without the fear of punishment or giving silent treatment.

So let's have a little recap.

Giving and receiving feedback and tolerating those uncomfortable conversations is a sign of strength in a connection with somebody, not conflict.

It's meant to deepen connection and build trust, build emotional maturity.

and it helps you to filter out those relationships that can't handle that kind of authenticity.

So here are some valuable questions that might help you self-reflect on your relationships to identify these patterns or reasons why you might be avoiding having these honest conversations with the people that you love.

Number one, can you identify times when you may have projected your own insecurities instead of trying to tackle the actual issue at hand?

Number two, are there patterns with certain people in your life that you avoid giving feedback to, even though you want to? Why do you think that [00:23:00] is?

Number three. How do you usually feel when someone tries to challenge you or points out something that might feel a bit uncomfortable? What are the immediate emotions that come up for you?

Number four, which of the relationships in your life feel comfortable enough to have an honest conversation?

Number five. Are there connections in your life where the inability to give or receive feedback is holding you back?

Thank you so much for listening to episode 11 of Things we Say in Therapy. If you've made it this far, I am so happy that you are here.

Please find me on all of my socials. I'm on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube, and all your favorite podcast listening platforms. All of the links will be in the description for this episode. Please leave a like or a comment or go and subscribe to my YouTube channel. Any kind of support I really appreciate.

You can also donate to the show on Buy Me a Coffee or on [00:24:00] My buzzsprout website. Again, all the links are in the description. if you have any feedback for me about this episode, I am all ears. My dms are open on all of those socials that I just mentioned.

I really hope that you found something valuable from this episode. Any psychological articles relevant to this episode will be also left in the description. As always, please be kind to yourself. Please be kind to others and I'll see you again. Bye.