Self-sacrifice isn’t noble: Why people-pleasing destroys self-respect || Self-abandonment, self-worth, validation-seeking

Many of us were taught that being “selfless” makes us loveable, but when self-sacrifice replaces self-respect, it slowly destroys your mental health.

In Episode 5 of Things We Say in Therapy, we explore the psychology behind chronic self-sacrifice, people-pleasing, and the need for validation. We unpack how childhood conditioning, attachment styles, and emotional neglect can wire you to over-give, abandon your needs, and tie your worth to how useful you are to others.

This episode is for anyone who:

• Feels responsible for everyone else’s emotions
• Struggles to set boundaries
• Feels guilty prioritising their own needs
• Is exhausted from always being “the strong one”

Self-sacrifice is not noble when it costs you your self-respect.

Transcript

Hey everyone. Welcome back to your regularly scheduled self-reflection. I am Tash, and this is things we say in therapy. A place to feel seen, to learn some psychology, and to self-reflect on some hard truths to improve your mental health.

Today we are reflecting on yet another topic that may be uncomfortable.

It's something that we will learn to hide

the need to be validated through self-sacrifice.

The purpose of this episode is to explore why we feel the need to sacrifice ourselves

and how it becomes a habit and a lifestyle. We're going to explore the psychology

behind sacrificing ourselves for validation in order to

[00:01:00] recognize your patterns and unlearn the things that you've learned that are harming you.

I will be sharing some of my personal stories

to reflect on my learned patterns, maybe you will resonate with some of them.

And finally, we're going to confront this brutal truth:

self-sacrifice is not noble when it replaces self-respect. It just teaches people that they can use you at your own expense.

In the past, I've been the one that gives until I have an empty cup,

and I want to unpack why with you,

to hopefully help some other people recognise their own patterns

and to help improve their life and their self-esteem.

This is one of those things we say in therapy that people don't want to hear but need to. This is uncomfortable on purpose, so let's call it like it is.

So let's start with clarifying what a self-sacrifice really is.

Chronic self-sacrifice is constantly giving beyond your own capacity.

Pouring from an empty cup. I'm sure you've heard that [00:02:00] phrase. Giving to others, even though you need to give to yourself,

prioritizing other people's needs over your own, and in this context, self-sacrifice is giving beyond your capacity in order to earn love, respect, safety.

You may be justifying it to yourself by calling it generosity, being kind, being a good person,

but it's actually just a strategy to obtain

the feeling that you are craving

by pleasing other people,

and it's usually something that you are starved of as a child.

When I was a kid, I had a parent who lived through me. I had a parent who would

Only let me go down the life path that they thought was best for me and wouldn't listen to anything else.

So I learned to do what they thought was best,

and I lived by that approval.

It led me to start acting only in their best interest

because that is the only way that I got the validation and love that I was craving, that you naturally crave from a parent.

So let's get into the psychological roots of why we start to self-sacrifice [00:03:00] in order to get that validation and approval.

The first thing I'm gonna talk about is childhood conditioning.

When, when we are younger, if we are not ideal. For what our parents want us to be. If we don't fit the mold of what our parents need us to be in order for them to feel comfortable. This is emotionally, unintelligent parents, by the way. Not all parents are like this, obviously,

But when they're telling you to be useful, to not be emotional, to be strong, telling you that, oh, you can handle this, you're strong when you're a kid, so that you're not needy towards them so that you don't actually need them to be a parent.

You are taught that your value as a person is your compliance. Your value as a person depends on how much you would abide by making others comfortable.

This leads to certain attachment dynamics with other people. It starts with your parents and it leads to your adult relationships. People who are anxiously attached tend to overgive so that [00:04:00] people won't leave them so that they can feel like they're worth something. Avoidant attaches. They self-sacrifice by shutting down, by not feeling, by self-sabotaging their relationships,

dumbing down their own needs. In order to feel safe, you leave people before they leave you. You do something on purpose to make people leave so that you can stay in control of the situation.

Maybe you were the kid who calmed everyone down. Maybe you were the kid who mediated between your parents or other kids,

or you were the one who noticed when your parent was sad. I know that was definitely me.

Self-sacrificing is often a child's way of feeling safe.

Feeling safe in unpredictable environments.

And then when we grow into adults,

that feeling of needing to self-sacrifice to stay safe actually stays with us. And is carried into our adult relationships

that need for validation. It transfers onto [00:05:00] the next person. When you no longer need to rely on your parents for survival, that transfers to partners, friends, your boss, your teachers.

So my self-sacrifice pattern I've come to realize

was to ignore my own needs and race to fix other people's problems.

If you were my close friend. I would race to be the first person to help you, the first person to help solve your problems. Usually emotional ones, because that's obviously where I thrive.

For example, I remember in my early twenties, I had a really male centered close friend.

She would constantly be chasing the wrong guys or

sort of any guy that would give her the time of day because she had quite low self-esteem. She was a stunning girl. She deserved way more than that, but she had low self-esteem, and so she would just sort of go for anyone

and she would be met with disappointment because she was chasing the wrong people [00:06:00] and not prioritizing herself.

And each disappointment, it came with a new. Round of self-loathing and depression and breakdowns about her value.

Instead of acknowledging this pattern and having a sit down talk with her to try and help her notice her toxic patterns and get through it, which is what I would do now. I would just race to be there for her to be the first person to be a shoulder to cry on for her whenever she needed me. No matter what was going on in my life, no matter how full my plate was.

I remember one time I was literally in the middle of eating dinner and. I brought my dinner on a plate with me to her house just to be there, just to be the first person to be there for her.

And that pattern just repeated because I needed to be needed. So let's move on to

why self-sacrifice feels good

so there is a validation [00:07:00] hit when you help somebody when you go out of your way to do something for somebody, when you overgive and people are appreciative and they give you validation,

They give you that feeling that you're craving. It releases dopamine and oxytocin,

which is the emotional reward that we get

when we successfully help and please someone and we feel valued.

This praise that you get becomes addictive.

When these people say things to you like, wow, you're so strong. Oh, you're always there for me, I dunno what I'd do without you,

you're my closest friend. When you feel needed, when you feel valued, you feel like you have a purpose

and it's a purpose that doesn't involve addressing any of your own needs.

It is all dependent on what you can do for others. So you don't actually have to do the work of addressing your own problems, and it's a lot easier to get that external validation. And so it becomes a pattern, it [00:08:00] becomes addictive, and a lot of the time you don't even realize you're doing it.

It is sort of like a cheap dopamine hit, like when you are scrolling on your phone or you get a compliment.

Another reason that self-sacrifice feels good is the illusion of control. When you over give to people, it can feel like you are helping prevent rejection. It can help you feel like you can manage other people's emotions so that they won't criticize you or think badly of you.

And it can also make you feel like you are going to stay important to this person, and that you are indispensable. You can't be replaced.

This is the reason why I'd want to be the first person to help my close friends. If I could be their go-to person for their problems, if I was their number one or felt like their number one, then I'd be invaluable,

and they'll always need me, and they'll always think of me first when they need a go-to person.

Now this [00:09:00] will continue and this pattern will keep going. I had it with multiple different friends until you start to feel used, until you are taken advantage of by people. You start to feel that conditional love, you start to think, Hey, would this person still want me in their life? If I wasn't doing these things for them, would this person still value me as a person if I wasn't there when they stabbed their fingers?

the brutal truth here is: feeling valued because you are being useful to somebody,

it isn't the same as being valued for who you are.

Eventually, you'll realize that, and it's going to be extremely difficult to come to that conclusion

because at that point when you've gotten into that pattern with somebody, you are only left with that cheap,

unstable external validation.

But this is why we're talking about it, because you can unlearn these patterns.

So let's quickly talk about the [00:10:00] cost of self-sacrificing like this, the damage that it actually does to you internally,

like I mentioned, eventually you will get to a point of emotional exhaustion.

Always putting yourself last, never dealing with your own problems. You never let yourself rest and you care way too much. It is so tiring. You are overspending your emotional capacity.

It's like. Overdrawing in a monetary bank account, you have nothing else to spend elsewhere.

You also lose your identity. That may be because you've never actually spent time figuring out who you are beyond being that giving over caring person to other people,

or if someone's really taking advantage of you, you start to lose yourself even more. You start to think, who am I if I don't help others? Who am I if I'm not that go-to friend if I'm not? Prioritizing being there for other people. Who am I if I start to care about my own needs [00:11:00] instead? Because that feels so selfish to do.

When you are in this mindset, it feels so selfish to care about yourself first, especially if the people around you are using you for that trait of yours.

You also start to grow an intense resentment for the people that you overgive to. You never end up having reciprocal friendships because you overgive to other people who aren't ever gonna do the same thing for you because they possibly don't have that same trait as you. So you are gonna overgive and overgive them because they don't feel the need to self-sacrifice themselves as much

for approval

they're never gonna give like that back to you.

You are teaching them that you will overspend your emotional capacity on them, and they don't have to do anything to maintain that friendship because you're always just gonna be there.

There was a group of people I was friends with way back before I realized this toxic pattern of mine. [00:12:00] And

this is a very arbitrary example, but I would be messaging these people about things that were really important to me and. These messages would be left unread for days, weeks, if not months, if I'd gone that amount of time without seeing them. 'cause there was like, I was close with different people in the group

and so I would see more people than others. But there were people where I would message them and they just wouldn't even open it for weeks. I am pretty sure I still have unread messages to those people because I eventually, I just get, I was just so resentful towards them, like, ' cause it was so rude and eventually I did realize that I was overgiving and I wasn't getting what I was giving back.

And it does take a while, but eventually you realize you're sat at the wrong table and you need to have the strength to walk away.

There's also interpersonal damage, so I've kind of touched on this, but I'll repeat it just [00:13:00] to make it a bit more succinct. So you teach people to rely on you disproportionately. They know that you will always be there no matter what, even if it includes abandoning yourself, even if they know you have a lot going on, you will still drop your own priorities to be there for them.

And there are a lot of people out there who will take advantage of that.

They assume you have no limits, and so they will keep asking and keep asking.

They expect you to always be the strong one and they will rely on you for emotional comfort. Always

when I was in situations like this. I slowly realized that I was always shrinking myself and changing myself to make sure that I was going to be accepted within the group that I was in.

And when I did show parts of myself without shrinking myself, I was judged, made fun of, rejected in different ways, and that to me felt like who I truly was, wasn't worthy, or who I truly was, was embarrassing or weird, but I was just sat at the wrong table. Do not [00:14:00] accept this behavior from people ever.

Just walk away. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are.

Being alone is never worse than being sat at the wrong table because when you love and respect yourself, being with yourself will never be the wrong environment.

So let's get into breaking this pattern. How do we unlearn these habits? The first step is always to recognize it and acknowledge it. Recognize your triggers. These could be things like feeling anxiety when someone's disappointed in you. Feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions and not caring about your own or feeling guilty for prioritizing your own needs over someone else's expectations of you.

I once said to someone who I thought was a close friend, that I wouldn't be able to attend a gathering of theirs because I wasn't doing well mentally, and I needed to prioritize myself. And at that time, it didn't feel right or healthy for me to be around people who were going to be drinking a lot and things like that, and going out [00:15:00] partying.

And I expressed this to this person, um, that was my boundary that I wouldn't be able to go

Bear in mind, I usually am always there no matter what.

I was met with a disappointed tone. I was met with guilt inducing phrases like I. Everyone's going to notice You are not there. So what am I supposed to tell them? And I thought you were supposed to be my close friend.

I ended up giving in on my boundary and going to the event.

I spent time at this event and then at the end I was still guilted, met with resistance and talked about behind my back because I didn't go clubbing afterwards.

What I learned was that if you end up giving in on your own boundaries and you are the type of person to keep giving and keep giving, no matter what.

In order to please others,

they will keep taking at your detriment.

Step number two, in breaking this pattern. Is to differentiate what giving means to [00:16:00] you versus what abandoning yourself is

when you give to somebody else. This is a choice.

This involves. Being able to give from a cup that's not empty, having the capacity to give to other people

without putting your own needs on the back burner.

Self-sacrificing.

And self abandonment is fear driven. It's driven by the need to feel validated and a fear of being abandoned. I, but the irony is that you're abandoning yourself by self-sacrificing to give to other people because of a fear of being abandoned by them. If you reframe your mind to prioritise not abandoning yourself, you're not going to be abandoned.

You can heal that abandonment wound, that anxious attachment, that avoidant attachment by not abandoning yourself.

Step three is to build emotional tolerance and resilience. You need to start being okay with people being upset with you or disappointed in [00:17:00] you. This is something really difficult that I had to learn. I still struggle with it. I, you need to be okay with not feeling the need to fix things and to be the one to help fix other people's emotions.

You need to trust other trust that other people are able to do that for themselves. And if they're not, they need professional help. You can't be everyone's savior, let other people handle their own.

You also need to be okay with being less needed.

Work on finding people who value you for you and not for what you can give them.

For each of your relationships, consider, would I still be close with this person if I didn't do things for them? Would they still value my friendship if I wasn't there every time they needed a shoulder to cry on?

I've ended a decent amount of friendships. Because I realized that I was giving more than they would ever give.

Step five is to practice micro boundaries. If you're not good at setting boundaries, which I can imagine if you're in this [00:18:00] mindset, you wouldn't be just start small saying no to being there when somebody asks you to be somewhere.

Saying, "I want to be there to support you, but I need to rest first", or

" I just don't have the capacity for that right now."

Or telling somebody that you care about them, but the situation that they're putting you in is just too much. If you're met with resistance to these, which you will be, if you are friends with people who are using you or emotionally unintelligent people, then it might be time for a change. And that is hard to realise. And a lot of people tend to avoid these practices because if they are met with resistance, with disappointment, and they realize they're being treated poorly, then they know something needs to change. They just don't wanna accept it.

You might be met with the resistance, and if you are, these are not healthy people to be around. Step five is to build internal validation so that you stop craving that external validation from other people. Celebrate saying no. Be proud of yourself when [00:19:00] you manage to set a boundary, because that is an amazing achievement if you've gone your whole life without being able to

acknowledge your own needs,

and back yourself. Be strong in the fact that you need to prioritize your own needs. You only get one life. Everyone else is prioritizing their own needs. Why shouldn't you? You are worth that. And you are worthy of people respecting you doing that. Your loved ones, the people you care about, and the people who are supposed to care about you should respect you for caring about your own needs.

That's not to say you should never be there for your friends. That's not to say you shouldn't show up for your friends when they need you, but you need to prioritize your own needs first. You can't be there for other people if you haven't filled up your own cup.

Rebuild your relationships with safe people from

a one-sided thing and I'll take care of it. I'll fix it standpoint to let's be there for each other to a mutual agreement where you show up for each other. [00:20:00] And with safe people, you should be able to have this conversation. You should let them know that you recognise this pattern within yourself and you are trying to work on it.

People who love you will respect that.

The brutal truth here is that if your relationships are relying on you suffering,

those relationships are unhealthy and they need to change or end.

So let's reframe your self-worth together. Let's help work on your self-esteem, because working on your self-esteem is the foundation of unlearning this pattern, right?

So here are some things you need to acknowledge and learn. These are objective facts, not subjective statements to be argued against and debated. Okay, Your worth as a person is inherent and it is not earned by sacrificing yourself. Or by doing or fixing things.

You deserve to be loved for who you are and not because of the things that you do, especially the [00:21:00] things that you do for other people

in order to learn these things. You can start by saying small affirmations to yourself and making yourself believe them.

You can say these things to yourself when you've set a boundary and you're struggling with the anxiety or disappointment from other people. Say things to yourself like, my needs matter. I deserve mutual love. Boundaries protect me. They protect my safety and my emotional capacity,

and I don't need to earn my place in anyone else's life. I'm enough as I am.

Again, if your love requires suffering, it's not love.

So here are some self-reflective questions in order to help you journal. If you like journaling, you can use these as prompts or you can just think about them.

These questions will be very helpful to help you figure out where your root wounds come from. The first one is who taught you that your needs were too much?

This is most likely rooted [00:22:00] in your childhood.

The second one is, when did you learn that love had to be earned?

Number three,

what's the fear that shows up for you when you try to set a boundary?

For me, it's the fear that I'm the one in the wrong and that I'm being too harsh or too selfish.

What I needed to learn was if I have a need

and it's a need that is what's best for me and isn't hurting anyone else, it could never be too harsh or selfish. Because it's what's best for me

because i'm not responsible for what other people feel, but I am responsible for taking care of myself

in the best way that I know how to, and if someone thinks that I'm being too harsh on them or selfish because I'm prioritizing my own needs first, then they're not my friend.

And the fourth and last question to consider here for your self-reflection is

when was the last time that you received support [00:23:00] instead of giving it?

The truth about this habit and living like this is that these coping mechanisms, they once kept you safe. They once made you feel safe in the environment you were in. This is how you learned to be this way, but it isn't serving you anymore.

If you resonated with this episode, you have some unlearning to do.

Remember that story I told you about when I'd show up for my friends?

Even though I was abandoning my own needs by being there for them, that was one of the days that I realised that I was burning myself to keep other people warm, and they just kept throwing logs on the fire.

You don't have to be the hero in everyone's story in order to be important and to matter, look after yourself first. Thank you so much for listening to episode 15 of Things We Say in Therapy.

If you resonated with this episode, please leave a comment like, share, follow, and subscribe on whatever platform that you're listening or watching this on. Share [00:24:00] this with somebody who might be struggling with self-sacrifice or problems with their self-worth and self-esteem.

All the links to my social medias will be in the description. I post content every single day about honest conversations on mental health.

If this episode felt uncomfortable, that means something clicked. Sit with it. I'll see you again. Bye.