Why you can’t stop thinking about someone you hate || rumination, negativity bias & letting go

Why do some people stay stuck in our minds long after they’ve hurt us? In Snack-Size Deep Dive 4 on the Things We Say in Therapy Podcast, we break down the psychology behind rumination, negativity bias, and why hate can feel impossible to let go of.

This episode explores:

• Why your brain obsesses over people you dislike
• The role of anxiety, control, and perceived threats
• Why rumination feels protective but actually keeps you stuck
• How to stop replaying the same thoughts without forcing them away
• Practical ways to redirect anger and reclaim your mental space

You don’t need closure, forgiveness, or justice to move on. You need awareness, acceptance, and new mental habits.

This is perfect for anyone struggling with intrusive thoughts, overthinking, resentment, or emotional burnout.

Transcript

Hello everyone. Welcome back to your regularly scheduled self-reflection. I am Tash, and this is things we say in therapy, snack size, deep dives. This is episode four of the snack Size deep dive series

where I'm doing little snackable deep dives. Into a mental health topic to encourage self-reflection and approve your mental health.

I do these every single Thursday. So hit that notification bell to make sure you don't miss an episode.

Some people just stick in our minds.

You try to move on, but you just keep thinking about them over and over and over. This is not a weakness. Our brains are biologically programmed

to obsess [00:01:00] over perceived threats

today, we're being brutally honest about

why hate lingers in our minds, and how to reclaim your thoughts.

This is one of those things we say in therapy that people don't wanna hear but need to. This is uncomfortable on purpose, so let's call it like it is.

So let's get into why we can't stop thinking about the people that we hate.

Here's the psychology behind it.

 our brains have something called a negativity bias.

This is the concept that our brains tend to pay more attention towards threats and betrayals than to pleasures.

It is normal and common. If we have 10 great things happen to us in a day and one bad thing, our brains will go to bed at night thinking about that one bad thing that happened to us.

There's also this thing called a rumination loop.

Your mind replays things as an attempt to predict and protect us.

I personally have such a rumination problem. I've actually spoken to my therapist about it,

so I'm a certified [00:02:00] expert at analyzing and getting through this rumination. It is my coping mechanism for not getting closure on things that hurt me

and for trying to control situations because I also struggle with or used to struggle with severe anxiety. Not so much anymore. Rumination never works, so we need to learn to let it go.

However, it is quite hard to stop. So let's get into why

rumination is when you constantly think about a situation, you think about the same scenario, over and over and over,

changing little things within the scenario, like how it could have turned out. Wondering what could have gone differently. Wondering what you could have said

or imagining what it would be like if you saw them again after that situation. That sort of thing. it is a protection mechanism.

So that you perceivably from your perspective, have control over the situation,

much like anxiety.

So that brings me onto the control illusion. Thinking about them gives you a false sense of.

Being able [00:03:00] to fix or anticipate that person, anticipate what they're thinking, try to understand them.

But the brutal truth about rumination is that the more that you replay it, the more power you give it.

Often long after they've forgotten about it.

It is quite derogatory when you think about it. They have so much power over you

when you let them make you this aggravated.

Like I said, I used to lie in bed at night every night thinking about the same person who hurt me over and over and over, thinking about different ways the scenario could have played out, what they were thinking, why they did it.

Obsessing over every detail

it causes, or for me at least, it caused lots of sleep disruption and anxiety. I let them control my life even after they'd left it.

And even if you are not ruminating over a particular situation and you just really dislike somebody, usually it's someone that was once close to you that you used to love. But if you just [00:04:00] really dislike somebody. It still has that control over you. You're still thinking about them. For what?

So step one, to stop thinking about somebody that you hate,

you need to accept that you are thinking about them.

Trying to stop those thoughts by force, it only makes them louder.

This is what my therapist taught me and it absolutely transformed the way that I think about it. 

In order to reframe it in your mind, you need to notice the thought without playing into it,

Without letting the thought aggravate you.

At that time, you can name the thought. That usually helps just thinking, oh, there I am feeling angry again, kind of thing. Naming it out loud. It helps with the acceptance that it's there without getting all caught up into it.

Accepting that your thoughts are there without trying to resist them. For me, it actually drastically reduced the amount that I did think about them

because it's taking up less brain space. You are giving less emotion [00:05:00] to it. The less you give it, the less it'll bother you.

Step two is deciding what to do with that hatred energy that it brings you.

When that hatred, energy or emotion comes to you, if you don't channel it somewhere, it will just control you.

Look at the people around who are punching walls and starting fights with people. They're letting their anger and hatred control them.

Don't let it get trapped.

You can journal, you can use exercise, physical movement. You can use a creative outlet, drawing, writing, music work,

but also talking about it.

I hadn't voiced the fact that I was ruminating about particular situ situations and people that I strongly disliked because I thought it was embarrassing to still be upset about it over so many months.

But saying it out loud to somebody actually brought me the sound advice that helped me change my situation,

and it brought me the clarity that I needed.

I know not everyone has a mental health professional to talk to, but if you have someone safe in your life, you should tell them. Just speak it out [00:06:00] loud. Otherwise, there's resources in the description below step three is stop trying to change them.

Hate persists when you

want justice, revenge, or acknowledgement, and none of these things are in your control. You can't make someone see you. Or acknowledge you,

and you definitely can't make someone change, so why are you wasting your energy on it?

That person doesn't have to change. You don't have to get revenge or justice in order to move on. A lot of the times we convince ourselves that we need closure, but we don't.

Waiting for that is just prolonging that hatred mind prison that you've created for yourself.

Shift your focus onto yourself, onto how you can bring yourself closure. What is that feeling that you are chasing aside from them?

Find a way to give that feeling to yourself.

For me, it was just acceptance and

stopping that resistance

to, accepting the fact that it had happened and that I can't do anything about it.

Step four, you could also replace that [00:07:00] loop of thinking about them with a different habit. This will involve actively changing your thoughts

when it comes, let it arrive, accept it's there, and actively change your thoughts. You can use mindfulness techniques, you can do gratitude lists,

think of one thing that you value right now, something positive. It actively drives your brain away from that rumination loop, that negative thought process of thinking about what's hurt you.

Or you could do something else small like calling a friend to catch up.

Or do a task that you've been putting off, put on a podcast, distract your mind.

If you don't replace the thought, your brain will just keep repeating it.

Eventually it'll become a habit to redirect your thoughts away from that person, but accepting that it's there is the first step.

You don't have to forgive them or get closure to move on.

You can't control the way that you feel about them. I, but you also can't control them.

Thinking about them constantly is a choice.

The goal isn't to erase the [00:08:00] memories that you have. It's

to stop letting it control your present.

It is uncomfortable.

But freedom lives in the moments when you stop letting other people control your thoughts.

So here's a reflective prompt for you. Notice who is in your head today.

And ask yourself whether giving them or that situation, your time is changing anything or just ruining your day. Thank you so much for listening to things we say in therapy. Snack size, deep dives, episode four. I release these every Thursday, so hit the notification bell so you don't miss an episode. I also release longer episodes every single Monday with more nuanced topics.

So you can catch those as well. There are links in the description to my social media, so go and follow me there for daily content on honest conversations about mental health. I hope you got something valuable from today. If it was uncomfortable, that means that something clicked. Sit with it. I'll see you again. [00:09:00] Bye.