Looking good vs. being good: Why needing to appear kind causes harm || accountability, self-Image, people-pleasing

Some people seem kind, caring, and thoughtful...but are they truly good, or just trying to look good? In Episode 16 ofThings We Say In Therapy, we dive into the difference between authentic goodness and performing kindness for appearances.

Learn about psychological concepts like moral licensing, cognitive dissonance, and shame avoidance, and discover how these behaviors show up in everyday life and relationships. I'll share some personal experiences, practical advice, and self-reflective questions to help you spot patterns in yourself and others, and move toward authentic growth and integrity.

Other key concepts you'll learn in this episode:

• Why some people become defensive and blame-shift when they’re held accountable, and what that reveals psychologically
• How moral licensing allows people to justify harmful behaviour while still seeing themselves as “good”
• How focusing on image can damage relationships
• Signs that someone prioritises reputation over emotional repair
• How to reflect on your own patterns without self-shaming
• Practical ways to move from image-management to integrity and emotional maturity

Transcript

Hi everyone. Welcome back to your regularly scheduled self-reflection. I am Tash, and this is things we say in therapy. A place to feel seen, to learn some psychology, and to self-reflect on some hard truths to improve your mental health.

Today we are talking about the difference between being a good person and just wanting to appear like one.

This episode might sting a bit just because most of us have been on both sides of this.

If your immediate reaction is, that's not me, just stay with that for a second. Before we get started, I'd like to remind you to please subscribe or follow on whatever platform you are watching or listening to this [00:01:00] on.

Please check out my Instagram and my TikTok. They are linked in the description below. I post daily content about honest conversations about mental health topics, motivation and self-reflection.

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so that you don't miss any important conversations.

This is one of the things we say in therapy that people don't wanna hear but need to. This is uncomfortable on purpose,

so let's call it like it is.

so let's define the clear clinical difference between being a good person and just wanting to appear like one.

So actually being a good person is values driven. It's consistent across all contexts. You don't change who you are or what you like,

or the things you do, depending on which context you are in. You are willing to self-correct. Take accountability when you are wrong,

and you prioritize the impact you make over the intention that you have.

For example, you can acknowledge that sometimes your intentions may [00:02:00] land differently than how you meant them,

and you can accept that. Take responsibility. Let people see that you've made a mistake and change your behavior accordingly.

Someone who wants to just look like a good person, they are driven by image and reputation. They have selective kindness depending on what context they're in, uh, and on who is watching. They tend to engage in manipulative behaviors like triangulation to ensure that they always look like they're in the right.

There's defensiveness when they're challenged on their behavior because their self image is fragile and they need everyone to believe that they are a good person in order for them to feel like one in order for them to feel stable and they prioritize reputation over repair, so they're unable to accept their wrongs

because that punches a hole in their self image of being good.

Goodness, that collapses under accountability it isn't goodness.

So let's get into a bit of the psychology, why people [00:03:00] confuse the two.

For a lot of people, social approval and external validation is a survival strategy.

They were conditioned when they were young or at some point early on in their life that they are good when they're liked by people.

This could also be coming from cultural aspects. I know that there's a lot of cultures or specific family values that are generational, that value, reputation over authenticity.

So here are some of the key psychological concepts.

The first one is moral licensing.

This is the concept where doing good or doing a nice thing for somebody else, it's an excuse to do harm later on.

So doing something good, it gives them a license to excuse bad behavior.

To excuse being unethical towards somebody or being selfish

because they use their positive past behavior to excuse it.

It satisfies their need to feel [00:04:00] moral, and it reduces their pressure to act good again. For example, in abusive relationships where the abuser gives their victim presence expensive gifts. Or they spend time with their victim. So later on when they're called out for being abusive or being nasty and neglectful, they can say, but we literally just watched a movie together the other night.

Or,

what about last Christmas when I got you that expensive necklace?

It is an excuse to be able to shut down any kind of criticism towards their character.

Another concept to be aware of is cognitive dissonance.

This is used to protect. The person's identity to themselves at all costs.

People who value looking good over being good, they tend to have harmful levels of cognitive dissonance in order to justify their behavior.

It is between their actual behavior and what they want to be perceived as.

Sometimes it can reach a pathological level where. The person who values looking good,

they're genuinely unable to [00:05:00] understand their behavior because they've separated how they actually act

from how they want to be perceived. So much

 that they genuinely believed that they're acting out of morality. human brains are able to convince us of anything if we try hard enough.

It's actually incredibly scary sometimes,

or if we have something going on with us that we. We just aren't able to accept because it's too painful or it's too much. We compensate for that by drastically going in the other direction. In this context, people who value always looking good; they have so much pain in their past and they've done so many things that they can't deal with so much that if they're, if this persona that they've created for the world

cracks, even the tiniest bit, they lose all sense of reality because they just can't deal with it.

Another psychological concept is shame avoidance. So kind of carrying on from [00:06:00] people doing this because they're not able to accept who they truly are and the things they they've done or experienced. They prioritize this image that they've created of themselves over integrity and acceptance of reality.

So someone has deep unacknowledged shame about who they are. This performance of being good, it's integral to their survival. I if this false image is threatened at all by people calling them out on things.

Or them making a mistake or whatever. This is where the defensiveness comes from. It's met with deflecting defensiveness, blame shifting to protect themselves from the shame that they would feel if they were take accountability.

I have known people like this and it's actually ended friendships I've had because I am a very upfront person, and no matter how hard you try to talk to people about their toxic patterns, no matter how hard you try to make them see the truth, no matter how much compassion you come at it [00:07:00] with.

It is just so impossible because of this cognitive dissonance that they've developed between the reality and this image of them being good. They're so focused on protecting this image that they can't see beyond it.

Even when you come from a place of care, it's met with hostility and resistance until they're able to come to the conclusion themselves, which I haven't seen as of yet in my real life. I personally found it impossible to maintain relationships with people like this, because I accept the reality no matter what and. These people, they just lie to themselves and everyone around them.

The uncomfortable insight here is that some people are more afraid of being exposed than they are of hurting other people.

And they will do whatever they can to protect themselves and this image that they've created of themselves. But like I said at the beginning, I've also been on the other end of this. I've definitely had periods of time where I've struggled with my self image and who I [00:08:00] am.

I was obsessed with saying all the right things from being seen as helpful and caring and good.

Internally, avoiding discomfort emotional repair and taking accountability for things, it can feel impossible because your self identity is so fragile.

Something you need to ask yourself is, am I actually being kind or do I just want to look kind?

This distinction completely changed my behavior and my relationships.

This also highlights the relevance of being good to yourself as well. I was also valuing, looking good to other people over being kind to myself, which is also something important to acknowledge.

So here are some signs that someone is more committed to looking good than to actually being a good person.

They apologize with explanations over taking accountability,

for example, taking accountability. Sounds like I'm so sorry that I hurt you like this. It wasn't intentional, but I can see that I did.

[00:09:00] Versus, oh, I'm having a bad day. So that's why I acted like that.

It sounds more sort of like an excuse.

Something else is when they get defensive, when you express hurt, so. It is valid to feel hurt by anything. If it hurts you, it hurts you. Your emotions are always valid, and someone who is emotionally intelligent and a safe person for you will always acknowledge that when you come to them explaining that something they did hurt you.

But if you are met with, oh, well I didn't mean to hurt you, so why are you hurt? Or, well, I didn't mean to, so I don't need to apologize.

They are not a safe person and they're trying to protect their self image and they won't take accountability for hurting you no matter how hard you try or how many times you go to them about it.

They have to realize it on their end first. Something else is that they focus on intent instead of impact.

For example, I didn't mean to hurt you, so why are you upset versus, I didn't mean to hurt you, but I'm really sorry that I did.

[00:10:00] Something else that's very common is

they will take any kind of confrontation as a personal attack instead of listening to the problem that you come to them with.

They say, I'd never do that. Instead of saying, I'm listening, let's solve this problem together. if you come to them with a problem about something that they've done, it is taken as an attack on their entire character.

As opposed to actually listening to the issue at hand and trying to talk things through with you. Something else is that they're dismissive privately, but generous publicly. If you see a juxtaposition between how they treat you when you're alone with them versus how they treat you in front of other people. There is an issue there that needs to be addressed.

If accountability feels like an attack on your character. Your self image is running on low and you need to figure out the deeper problem that's going on.

So I have been close with people, very close with people [00:11:00] who.

Have this persona of needing to look good and because I'm such a confrontational person, I whenever I was hurt by them and it bothered me for longer than like three days or so, I would bring it up in conversation always with compassion.

But whenever I approached these things with these people, I would be labeled as creating problems, creating drama, overreacting they were claiming that I was attacking their character or attacking them, or that I was being meaner than I was.

And I still apologized because they were hurt. Despite me not having the intention to hurt them.

But because they couldn't handle taking any kind of accountability for hurting me, the issue then became about my behavior. And there was a blame shift, and then the initial issue that was brought up never got solved because the blame was shifted. To me, this is a common tactic for people who have a [00:12:00] fragile sense of self and can't handle taking accountability.

Being harmed by somebody who values their reputation and needing to look good to everybody

because everyone else who doesn't see through them, perceives them as a good person because they try so hard to portray this character to people. When you are the one who sees through them, it is uniquely traumatizing because you second guess yourself and constantly worry that you are the problem

because not many other people see it.

Someone can be admired by other people and still be unsafe for you.

It doesn't automatically mean that you are in the wrong

just because this person masquerades themselves as good to other people.

They're so good at pretending that they've often fooled themselves.

If something feels off, it most likely is.

So don't gaslight yourself and stay somewhere that doesn't feel safe.

Just because no one else sees it, trust your gut. Walk away.

So here is the therapy room. Truth of it all. [00:13:00] You can be well intentioned and still be harmful.

Being good. It's not a fixed identity. It's a lifelong practice.

You can make mistakes, act out of character and accidentally harm other people. I, and still be a good person. You don't need to be perceived as perfect to be good.

In fact, if you are trying to be perceived as perfect and you are actively ignoring the mistakes that you make,

You're likely performing.

If you can't take accountability for things, if you never have to take accountability for everything, if you think that you never do people wrong, and it's always other people's fault, that's not good.

Defensiveness is not integrity, and it doesn't shield you from the truth. It just makes you look like a dick. And I promise you that other people can see through this fake persona.

If your goodness depends on never being wrong. It's fragile and it's not true.

So here are some self-reflective questions

to reflect on the people around you. And whether they [00:14:00] may be exhibiting these behaviors or whether you may be exhibiting these behaviors and don't really see it in yourself.

Number one, do I listen to understand or to defend? Number two, who am I when no one is watching?

Number three, am I more concerned with being forgiven

or with correcting my behavior and learning from my mistakes?

Number number four, where do I prioritize comfort over honesty?

Just to clarify, this isn't about labeling yourself. It's just about noticing patterns within yourself and around you. If you do notice any patterns, that's not shameful or bad. It is actually really amazing and commendable to be able to notice those patterns within yourself,

and it's an absolute breakthrough to notice those patterns in the people around you because then you know who's really for you and who's not.

Information is a blessing.

So here are some practical steps to move from performing to integrity. sit with the urge to explain yourself [00:15:00] and just don't.

Instead, think about why you feel this urge to explain yourself

instead of just letting people think what they think.

Try to repair without justifying yourself.

Notice when you jump to try to justify your behavior

instead of just accepting it, apologizing and moving forward.

accept that being a good person sometimes means being disliked.

You can't control other people's perceptions of you.

If you are chasing approval from other people. You're not being authentic and you're not being good. You are lying to yourself, and you're lying to others.

You are just trying to cater to what they want you to be. Please, please, please choose growth and authenticity over reputation every single time.

Chasing everyone else's approval, but your own is such a waste of time.

Thank you so, so much for listening to episode 16 of Things we Say In Therapy. I hope you found something valuable from this episode. Please share this with [00:16:00] somebody. Who might benefit from this information if they're struggling with self-worth and identity.

Please subscribe and follow on whatever platform you are listening to or watching this on and follow my Instagram and TikTok their LinkedIn, the description below. I post content every single day,

and I'd love to see you all there. If this felt uncomfortable, that means something clicked. Sit with it. I'll see you again. Bye.