How to make the right decisions when you don’t trust yourself || self-trust, confidence, intuition

Struggling to make decisions? Episode 17 of Things We Say in Therapy breaks down how to choose the right path even when self-doubt, overthinking, and fear of getting it wrong feel overwhelming. We explore the psychology behind decision-making, how to separate intuition from anxiety, and practical strategies to build confidence in your judgment. You’ll learn how to create clarity, reduce mental noise, and make choices you can stand behind. If you’re navigating uncertainty or constantly second-guessing yourself, this episode offers grounded guidance for self-reflection and self-compassion as well as mindset tools to help you move forward with more trust, confidence, and self-awareness.

Transcript

Hi everyone. Welcome back to your regularly scheduled self-reflection. I am Tash, and this is things we say in therapy. A place to feel seen, to learn some psychology, and to self-reflect on some hard truths to improve your mental health. 

Today we're getting into a topic that I think everybody has struggled with at some point in their life.

And that is worrying about making the right decisions and trusting yourself to make the right decisions. I have done an episode before on self-trust. It was actually my first ever episode. Um, I think I've improved a lot, this podcasting thing since then. I do think it's worth addressing again. And this episode will center a lot around [00:01:00] self-trust, how to start trusting yourself signs that you don't trust yourself, but in the context of making decisions.

So this is one of those things that we say in therapy that people don't want to hear, but need to. This is uncomfortable on purpose, so let's call it like it is.

 so let's start with talking about why decision making feels so difficult. Why do most of us struggle to make decisions? Worrying whether you are making the right choices whether you're going in the right direction, and if you don't struggle with it, I'm sure you know somebody or have a close friend that

can't ever make decisions and really struggles with that. So this episode will help you understand them a bit more.

So when people struggle to make decisions,

mostly in terms of themselves and their lives,

they think I dunno what to do. I'm scared of making the wrong decision.

But what if this happens?

There's an endless list of things you can worry about, and usually an endless list of choices you can make. But it's not the actual making of the decision, that's [00:02:00] the problem.

it is a self-trust problem. So let's readdress self-trust in the context of doing what's right for you, making judgements and decision making

if you don't trust yourself,

no option, no decision, no choice will ever feel completely safe.

And you'll most likely be forced into something

that you don't wanna do because you've run out of time to make the decision,

or you'll be making decisions out of fear instead of out of doing what's best for you, what's right for you, or what you wanna do.

You will outsource your decisions to what other people tell you to do, what other people think is best for you, or what other people choose for you,

or it's controlled by your anxiety. You make the safest choice every time.

Or you're avoiding a certain feeling, you're avoiding that fear of failure. If you make the I

more risky choice, that's actually something you wanna do.

I am not judging. There was a time where I would ask every single other person what I should do, their opinions, what they thought, what they thought of me,

and what they [00:03:00] think would be best for me. I guess who ended up being disappointed in the end,

the reality is that there's no one perfect choice. There is no one choice that you can eventually get to if you overthink it enough.

Our brains will always prefer certainty

over something that's a little bit more risky that could make us happier in the end.

Regret avoidance often drives decisions more than desire, you end up making fear-based decisions that keep you safe, but in a box because you are so worried that you're gonna regret making a decision.

you don't need to make the right decision.

You need the ability

and the confidence in yourself to repair and adapt and support yourself if things don't work out well.

There are people out there who always seem like they're make, they make the right decisions. Like they're stable all the time. Like, like everything always goes right for them.

And like they get it right all the time. Those people don't get it right all the time. [00:04:00] They don't have everything together all the time.

They literally just trust themselves. They trust themselves that they will catch themselves if things don't work out the way that they'd hoped. And they take it as a lesson. They learned from it. They don't spiral into self pity and kick themselves and stay in regret

and annoyance for making the wrong decision.

So here are some reasons why you might not trust yourself to make the right decisions. Number one is that your feelings were dismissed growing up. There's always that hint of childhood experiences in this psychology, obviously. You were told that you're overreacting or it's not a big deal.

Your emotions were dismissed Whenever you had an emotional reaction to something. This teacher's children to second guess themselves to not trust what they're feeling Their internal signals are to be questioned. Because they were told that they were wrong. Basically,

they learned not [00:05:00] to trust their own judgment.

As an adult, chronic self-doubt or self-doubting yourself so much that you can't trust yourself to make a decision for yourself, often comes from emotional invalidation

or always having your decisions made for you growing up.

This could lead to a fear of responsibility of making your own decisions because you've always had it done for you

and therefore you don't have enough experience in trusting your own judgment in order to learn that that's okay, and that's probably the best option for you. This is why we tend to outsource to other people because we've either been taught that our own judgment is not enough to make a decision for ourselves or that responsibility has always been taken away from us and put into someone else's hands.

Reason two is that you've been punished for making mistakes.

When you were a kid, or in your developmental years when you're a young teen,

mistakes that you made were linked to certain negative emotions.

Because of the consequences that they had [00:06:00] with the people or the adults around you. They could be linked with shame, with withdrawal of affection, with criticism. When, for example, your parents got pissed off with you for

losing things or breaking things. You start to associate making mistakes with anger, with criticism,

Being judged and looked at differently.

This can lead to hypervigilance and an overactive nervous system response because you're constantly scanning the environment for threats. You're constantly scanning the environment for things that could go wrong because you're scared of feeling that emotion again for other people shaming you or criticizing you.

When you get this overactive nervous system,

you are scared of making the wrong decisions through fear of it being a mistake or doing something that will lead to failure or being punished.

It leads to perfectionism, it leads to anxiety and overthinking, and eventually depression and burnout. Because you are so hyper fixated on every little [00:07:00] thing in case you make a mistake,

but you could also go in the complete opposite direction. It could also lead to decision paralysis, which is

going into freeze mode as a coping mechanism.

The fear of failure, it causes complete indecision. You don't make any decisions, you just withdraw completely. You become blase, and it seems as if you don't really care about anything. You don't have any ambition because that would require you to make decisions about your life in the future.

This freezing. It might feel like safety at the time because if you don't make any decisions, you can't make any mistakes.

You are initially free from the anxiety of decision making. But it gets to the point where you're keeping yourself stuck so much that you no longer experience anything good, as well as avoiding those unpleasant feelings that you are fearing by avoiding the decisions.

Reason three is confusing anxiety with intuition.

I will do a whole episode on this because I [00:08:00] think there's a lot more to say on this topic, so follow and subscribe so that you don't miss that episode. Anxiety feels loud, it feels urgent, it feels panicky.

It triggers physical signs like sweating, rapid heartbeat, feeling hot,

but intuition; it feels calm. It feels quiet. It's grounded, and

it's a steady gut feeling without like the urgency and If a feeling to stay away from something, therefore making the decision to not do that thing

is panicky and urgent. It's not intuition, it's anxiety.

Anxiety is the brain's learned response

from something that you've experienced in the past.

Mistaking anxiety for intuition can cause fear-based decision making,

thinking that you shouldn't make a decision

because it just feels wrong, but in fact, you are just scared of all the things that could go wrong because of the anxiety that you're feeling, but then you label it as intuition in [00:09:00] order to not have to deal with those feelings and to avoid it. so as a summary, the reasons that you could be fearing decision making are fear of failure.

Chronic self-doubt, perfectionism, and a fear of responsibility

just to name a few.

So let's move on to how overthinking can replace self-trust leading to making the wrong decisions.

Overthinking can feel productive because you feel like you're solving a problem by thinking of every possible case scenario. It's a symptom of, of anxiety. You're trying to predict the future in order to feel safe.

But what you are doing when you're overthinking in decision making

and self-trust is you are avoiding the actual work

that is required to deal with the core issue of the problem and of the relationship with yourself.

Because when you overthink, you already feel like you're solving the problem, but overthinking is just making you spiral [00:10:00] and it's not actually solving anything because you're never going to be able to predict the future.

Constantly overthinking things and doing this false work to feel safe, it stops you from actually working on the core issue, which is the fact that you don't trust yourself because of anxiety that you felt or the way you've been treated in the past.

This is emotional self abandonment. You're not dealing with the things that are causing you the problems that you're having. You're not dealing with the relationship with yourself. You're dealing with the surface level symptoms. Some signs that you are overthinking to replace self-trust

you ask multiple people around you the same question,

either looking for someone to make the decision for you or looking for a specific answer

that feels right to you that someone else makes, but you can never find the right answer because everything feels scary. Everything has things that can go wrong.

Another sign is that you're constantly waiting to feel ready. The truth [00:11:00] is that no one ever feels ready. It's a decision, not a feeling. No one ever feels ready. They just take the leap and they trust themselves enough to catch themselves.

Overthinking is a way to delay responsibility and of taking charge. It's a way to delay the work that's actually needed to make a change.

Decision fatigue and paralysis, they actually just worsen anxiety, and they can create more mental strain than if you just trusted yourself, made a decision that felt right and dealt with the consequences of what comes up.

The longer you wait, the less regulated you become. And then hypervigilance and overthinking start to take part. Now that's not me saying that you should just quickly make a decision in order to get it over and done with. Not at all. Definitely think about the decisions that you're making, but once you let that anxiety take hold, once you start overthinking about what decision to make, which direction to go in,

and you start panicking [00:12:00] over the decisions, that's when it's going on too long.

Self-trust decision making. It's not something that you just have, it's something that's built. It's something that you need to work towards.

It's more than just having confidence because a lot of people, for confidence anyway, you can't fake self trust.

It doesn't, having confidence doesn't mean that you need the certainty of what's going to happen

because you will never have that.

It's knowing that you can handle things, you can handle yourself, you can handle your emotions if it doesn't work out.

Self-trust is built by keeping promises to yourself

By following through on things that you said you would do,

even if it's small things. It's rewiring your brain to know that you will do what you say you do, and you've got your own back.

It's reassurance and validation that you'll be okay because you've got yourself, because you keep those promises.

You need to learn to be there for yourself because at the end of the day, you are the only person that will [00:13:00] 100% be there for you all the time that you can call on whenever, because you're always there.

The confidence and the peace that comes along with learning how to do that. It is just completely unmatched. It completely changed my life.

When I realized that I didn't need to have others around me to feel supported, I actually realized I had many people in my life that I didn't want there.

And I was settling for less in a lot of things because I thought I had to have people, I thought I had to have a group of friends. I thought I had to keep people in my life in order to feel supported so that I had, you know, the most people to rely on if I needed it.

But all I actually needed was myself. All I actually needed was to know that I'm enough by myself. I don't have to have people pining for me. I don't have to have

close knit group of people around me all the time.

But [00:14:00] self-trust grows in reliance. It grows when you are repetitive in keeping your promises to yourself

when you have a backlog of evidence of you having your own back. That is where self-trust is built.

There is a reason why a lot of people don't realize this and never begin working towards self-trust.

And to be quite frank, it's because a lot of people can't handle the emotional work that it takes.

Learning self-trust and learning to be self-reliant. It requires a lot of growth. It requires a lot of discomfort, which is what we love here on things we say in therapy. It requires taking accountability

for the areas in your life where you've let yourself and other people down.

And it requires letting go of perfection and perfectionism. A lot of people have a fragile sense of self and try to masquerade a persona to the world. Try to keep this performance of [00:15:00] perfection to everyone. That's why people do things to save face.

They let their ego take over to make sure that other people think that they're doing okay or look good Still.

And a lot of people can't handle going any deeper than the surface, than keeping up that performance, that persona to the outside world.

Having a fragile sense of self and needing other people to, see you a certain way, it requires you to make decisions based off what other people think, what you think that other people want to see. What you think other people would find desirable or attractive, or be impressed by. It's fear-based decision making off of a fear of rejection, a fear of abandonment, a fear of criticism, whatever it may be, And they end up not knowing themselves well at all. It's all based off of what they think other people will like.

People's people stay stuck because self-doubt feels familiar and people prefer [00:16:00] the safe option of doing what everyone else is doing or doing what other people think is safe because they trust other people more than they trust themselves.

And cheap external validation when you are used to it, when you're in this mindset is so much easier than doing the work to make a change and make a difference with yourself.

But what these people don't realize is that once you've done it,

there is no going back. It is absolutely life changing.

So here are some practical steps towards trusting yourself and learning to make the right decisions for you.

The first step is identifying the real fear. Why do you struggle with decision making? Why do you struggle to trust yourself enough to do this?

Bin the overthinking bin, asking everyone else what they think.

Are you scared of rejection? Are you scared of regret being alone, being wrong? Looking bad to others.

If fear is driving the decision, it will keep you small [00:17:00] forever.

Step two is to separate your values from your comfort.

Staying in your comfort zone keeps you feeling safe. It's a coping mechanism.

It's based off of what you're used to. It is based off of your habits

and where your nervous system is set,

which is not helpful if you want to change.

Values move you forward. Ask yourself:

What within the realm of possibility aligns best with who I want to be?

Growth is discomfort. Change requires discomfort.

Becoming who you want to be requires discomfort.

Step three, stop trying to predict emotional outcomes of yourself and other people.

You will never, ever, ever be able to predict how long something's gonna hurt you, whether you regret something or how others will react how others will feel about the decision that you make.

There is absolutely no point overthinking decisions based on these things,

especially with how others will react,

because if you've done what's right for you,

how other people [00:18:00] see it doesn't matter. How are the people who judge you or think about you is so irrelevant and your loved ones will support you if you've made the decision that's right for you.

Step number four,

make the decision and commit entirely. Making half decisions and staying in that limbo where you know what you wanna do, but you're justifying not doing it because of whatever reason.

Making half decisions like this, it creates suffering and it creates a cognitive dissonance

knowing exactly what you wanna do, but just justify not doing it out of fear.

Committing to something, it doesn't mean you are doomed to whatever consequences come with that decision.

Things are permeable. It's not a life sentence. You just need to have your own back afterwards. You just need to know that at the time you thought it was the right decision for you. Something may switch and change and then it'll go wrong, but then it'll go right. You never know, but you just need to have your back through it all.

You just need to know that you'll be okay.

If you make a decision [00:19:00] that doesn't work out and you self abandon and punish yourself for making that decision, where is that gonna get you? Exactly .

making a decision and having your own back after avoiding

decisions for a long time or previously having decision paralysis or

avoidant behaviors is such a great achievement to make that decision, to have your own back after something goes wrong, that is such an amazing achievement, is so cool of you.

Indecision. It costs energy, self-respect, and time.

Avoidance increases anxiety and it just makes decisions harder.

I was walking down the wrong path for myself for a very long time. I was self abandoning, self-loathing, self-doubting

because I was fearful of trusting myself and making the right decisions for me. Eventually I realized that I was [00:20:00] following other people down the wrong road,

and I wasn't even considering looking at my own map because

I had never even considered that maybe my own decision was the best one for me. I

had only ever thought other people's opinions would work out.

I was staying more loyal to what other people wanted for me than to myself and what was best for me.

Now let's talk about regret.

If you make a decision and the worst case scenario comes true, panicking, fretting, regretting and allowing confirmation bias to take over will just set you back. Confirmation bias is when something that you had previously thought true,

it comes true and you think, oh, well, I was just right all along then there's no point even trying.

It's a psychological phenomenon that reinforces negative thinking a lot of the time.

It is like when [00:21:00] you have a negative preconception of somebody before you meet them or you have a negative first impression of them and then you spend time with that person, you're more likely to notice their flaws and. Rude comments they make, and you're more likely to interpret things they do or say as bad.

It's the same with your opinion of yourself.

If you think you're incapable, if you think you're untrustworthy, if you make a decision and it goes wrong, you will use that as a confirmation that your preconception of your incapability was right,

and that will stop you from continuing the repetition that you need in order to start trusting yourself in order to be self reliable and have your own back.

You aren't incapable or untrustworthy for making a decision that didn't work out. It happens to everybody and it's rooted in perfectionism to think that

you need to always be making the right decisions that work out perfectly.

And for nothing to go wrong,

something that really helped [00:22:00] me with this was trusting that everything is a lesson or a blessing.

If something doesn't go your way, there's something to learn from it.

If something works out in your favor, it's a blessing.

If something doesn't work out in your favor, it's a blessing.

I wasn't meant to have that thing. That thing wasn't supposed to work out for me because there's something better coming.

Always, always, always search for the lesson. It is such a great tactic to pivot your mindset from negatively spiraling to finding a positive in a situation.

It stops you from catastrophizing on. Nothing ever works out for me. I knew that I'd make the wrong decision.

I'm so unlucky all the time. Blah, blah, blah. Search for the lesson. This doesn't mean you can't feel upset or sad if something goes wrong that you really wanted, that is valid. Your emotions are always valid, but you can't get stuck there. You can't get stuck in the negative spiral. I

you will never trust yourself

until you stop trying to avoid pain and learn to sit in discomfort,

the [00:23:00] right decision will always be the one where you don't abandon yourself.

Self-trust will start when you don't need approval from other people to do what's best for you.

Thank you so much for listening to episode 17 of Things we Say in Therapy.

Send this to somebody who might be struggling with making a hard decision right now, or someone who generally struggles with self-trust. Go back and listen to my first ever episode. As well. There is some more insights and information there. Please follow and subscribe on whatever platform you are listening or watching this on, and find me on my socials. They'll be in the description on TikTok and Instagram if this felt uncomfortable. That means something clicked. Sit with it. I'll see you again.

Bye.