Handling the Holidays, Your Way

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We explore why holidays can trigger anxiety, how old family roles take over, and simple ways to return to peace without pretending everything is perfect. We ground together, name grief and pressure, and build a small plan—boundaries, breath, and values—to carry into gatherings.

• science of stress responses at family gatherings
• role-locking and family systems pulling us back
• cultural pressure, grief, and perfection myths
• guided breath and body reset to calm the nervous system
• practical exit strategies to reclaim agency
• boundaries as doors, not walls
• choosing one guiding value for the season
• creating a three-part peace plan
• recommended books and podcasts for deeper work

Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place for real conversation and a gentle check-in. KWVH presents Couch Time with Cat. Hi friends, and welcome to Couch Time with Cat, mental wellness with a friendly voice. I'm Cat, therapist, best-selling author, TEDx speaker, and endurance athlete. But most of all, I'm a wife, mama, and someone who deeply believes that people are good and healing is possible. Here in the hill country of Wimberley, Texas, I've built my life and practice around one purpose to make mental wellness feel accessible, compassionate, and real. This show is for those moments when life feels heavy, when you're craving clarity, or when you just need to hear, you're not alone. Each week we'll explore the terrain of mental wellness through stories, reflections, research, and tools you can bring into everyday life. Think of it as a conversation between friends, rooted in science, guided by heart, and grounded in the belief that healing does not have to feel clinical. It can feel like sitting on a couch with someone who gets it. So whether you're driving, walking, cooking, or simply catching your breath, you're welcome here. This is your space to feel seen, supported, and reminded of your own strength. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in. For some of us, the holidays are magical. For others, they stir up old family wounds, complicated dynamics, and the kind of stress that no Hallmark movie ever shows. Hi friends, welcome back to Couch Time with Cat. I'm so glad you're here. Picture this. It's November. The commercials are rolling in with smiling families gathered around long dinner tables, fireplaces glowing, mugs of cocoa perfectly wrapped, presents and laughter that sounds like it belongs in a movie. But I could have said October because we all know Target starts decorating for Christmas in October. And yet, for so many of us, that picture perfect family, those picture-perfect holidays, they don't exist at all. They don't feel like that. They feel heavy, lonely, complicated. Sometimes there's a lot of grief. We don't know what to do with our families in the holidays. The reality is holiday gatherings aren't always cozy. Sometimes they stir up old hurts. Sometimes they remind us of people we've lost. Sometimes they pull us back into family roles we thought we'd outgrown. Maybe you go home and suddenly you feel like you're 12 years old again, bracing yourself for the comments, the tension or the silence. Yikes. And then sometimes there's pressure to make it all look perfect, to force cheer, yay, to keep the peace, to ignore the discomfort, and we're all just playing our roles. And when it doesn't look like the movies, we can end up feeling like something is wrong with us. But friend, nothing is wrong with you. If the holidays bring up anxiety, stress, or sadness, it's not failure on your part. It's a reflection of how complex families and life really are. And today we're going to name that truth out loud. We'll talk about why the holidays stir up so much anxiety, how to break free of old family patterns, and practical, soulful ways to navigate this season with more compassion, boundaries, and peace. You're listening to Catch Time with Cat. Hi, I'm Cat, and today we're talking about feeling anxiety as the holiday season approaches, because family dynamics don't always look or feel like a Hallmark movie. Let's start with some science and soul, one of my favorite segments. Research shows that family gatherings can actually trigger our stress responses. Hello. There's a concept in psychology called role-walking. When we return to our families, we often unconsciously slip back into the roles we played as kids. Even if we've grown and changed in our adult lives, successful careers, our own families, our own wisdom, the family system has a way of pulling us back into those old grooves. I see that in my practice every single day. It's almost like your body and brain go on autopilot. One minute you're a 40-year-old professional, and the next minute you're back at that dinner table feeling 12 years old again. You might notice yourself shutting down, lashing out, or shrinking back, and that's your nervous system flipping into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Here's why. Our brains are wired for survival. The amygdala, which scans for threats, doesn't always know the difference between a raised diaper at the dinner table and a real physical danger. If family dynamics felt stressful when you were young, your brain stored that information. So when similar situations pop up, even decades later, your nervous system reacts as if the threat is happening all over again. And the data backs this up. The American Psychological Association runs an annual stress in America survey. And year after year, the holidays rank as one of the most stressful times of the year. I mean, how couldn't it? There's so much pressure. In fact, nearly 40% of people report increased stress during the holidays. And family dynamics are one of the top reasons. Right alongside money and time pressures, right? Don't we all feel like we're in a pressure cooker in November and December? Lord have mercy. Historically, holidays have always carried weight. Anthropologists remind us that human communities have long used seasonal gatherings to reinforce belonging, but also those gatherings magnify hierarchy, conflict, and the unspoken rules of the tribe. So in some ways, it makes sense that the modern family holidays still carry that tension. They're echoes of those old survival patterns, just dressed up in holiday sweaters and pumpkin pie. Hopefully, the pumpkin pie has cool whip. That all makes it better. That makes it all better. And here's one more stat. According to a recent survey, 65% of Americans say they feel obligated to attend family holiday gatherings, even when it increases their stress. Oh my gosh. Yes, the pressure we put on ourselves to just be in an in an environment because we're afraid of the collateral damage that will happen if we don't go. It's like we're present under duress, which doesn't make it fun for anybody. That means two-thirds of people are walking into rooms where they're they already anticipate tension and their nervous systems are primed for it. So just when we are anticipating tension, we're already on the defense. There's no way we're gonna have a good time or that we're going to allow for true connection because we're afraid we're kind of like bracing for a hit. Here's a soulful reminder I want you to hold on to. You're not broken, you're not weak. This is how humans are wired. The fight or flight response isn't proof that something's wrong, it's just proof that your body is trying to protect you. And awareness is the first step that you're doing it differently. So if you've ever thought, why do I feel like a child again at the holiday table? You're not alone. A lot of us feel that way. The holidays can stir up so many things we don't talk about. Okay, I know you know this. Let's name some, let's talk about them. They stir anxieties like old family wounds, those unhealed places that get touched when we're back in the same room with the people that first shaped us. Unmet expectations, the longing for connection or warmth that doesn't always arrive the way we hoped. Oh my God, some of us ache. We ache, our hearts are aching for that warmth and connection. Grief for those who aren't at the table, the empty chair, the person we wish could still be there. Maybe somebody has passed on and your heart is just shattered. Maybe you love your family and you want to be there and they want you there, but somebody you love has passed away and it's just not the same. Or the relationships that never quite felt safe or whole. And of course, the stress of trying to make everything look perfect, the meals, the gifts, the traditions, that pressure can make the whole season feel more like a performance than a celebration. And the more we're trying to perform, the less we're actually being authentic and connecting. Our cultural script doesn't help either. Everywhere we turn, we're bombarded with glossy images of harmony and joy. Yay! Commercials of family laughing together, holiday movies with perfectly tied bows, social media posts where everyone seems endlessly cheerful. But here's the truth. For many of us, the reality is far more complicated. I'll share with you when I was a new mom. Our oldest daughter was born in August. And my husband and I took her to see my family down in South Texas. So she was November, wait, August, September, October, November, December. She was three and a half, four months old around this time. And I saw what good moms do. And good moms back then took their kids to a holiday light show. Never mind that my kid was three and a half months old. That was not the point. I was gonna get a picture. I was gonna be a good mom who took my infant to the holiday light show. My husband and I were probably fighting. I don't actually remember, but I think we were tense and fighting on the way because he was like, it's 40 degrees outside. She's gonna have to stay in the seat carrier the whole time. Like she's not even gonna see the lights. And I was like, we're going. Uh so we packed her up and we took her to this holiday light show. It was the wind was whipping. It was so cold. She stayed in the carrier the whole time. But I got my picture, darn it. I got my picture. And it felt ridiculous, but I wasn't gonna admit defeat in the middle of the experience. I was like, oh my God. We're here. My infant is in a car seat bundled up as she should be because it's 40 degrees outside. She was toasty, don't worry. She wasn't cold at all. But the the drama and stress that I put us through just because I wanted it to look like a Hallmark photo, man, that was a lot of stress. Looking back, I can laugh at it, but in the middle of that experience, I was real serious. So it wouldn't have been funny to crack a joke back then. Do not mess with the mom of an infant. You know what I mean? So it looks like sometimes it looks like things are perfect, and even then we're just kind of trying to hold it together. Sometimes it's a little more serious. There are awkward silences and conversations we tiptoe around. Who owes whom money? Or resurfacing of old conflicts we thought we left behind. Remember when you did this? I can't believe you did this to me. And then there's a social context here too. Culturally, we put enormous weight on the holidays as a time when the family should quote unquote come together. When love should feel easy, when the joy should overflow. That word should can feel so heavy, can't it? It tells us that if our holidays don't look like a Hallmark movie, then we've somehow failed. I know you already know this, but I'm just not a cool person. Like I'm just not a cool person. I can't hang. I would rather be in elastic pants than out at three in the morning. Like, there are just so many things. I don't qualify as cool. And I always feel like cool people have fun, like on New Year's Eve. And I just can't ever find a way to have fun on New Year's Eve. That's just something that eludes me. So, because it feels just like a lot of pressure that I should be having fun. Everything should be great. I should be happy. And I'm like, it's just Wednesday. What do you want from me? So the truth is, most families don't look like commercials. We don't. We never have. The perfect family holiday has been shaped through advertising. It's meant to sell products, not a reflection of reality. Yet those I we absorb those ideals and we measure our messy experiences that, yes, are sometimes tough, but sometimes joyful and full of love. We measure them against these static images. If your holidays don't look picture perfect, if they feel complicated instead of cozy, or maybe they're cozy and complicated. You're not alone. I'm there too. Let's pause and take a breath right now. Wherever you are, unless you're driving, of course, close your eyes for just a moment. I'm gonna do that too. Place your hand gently on your chest. Inhale slowly through your nose. Hold for two. One, two, and exhale through your mouth for six. One, two, three, four, five, six. Let's do that again. Inhale for four. Hold and exhale for six. Two, three, four, five, six. Oh my gosh. Notice how your body softens even just a little. I'm just talking about the holidays and I could feel my chest tightening. This is something you can carry with you into a gathering, sitting in your car before walking inside, or even stepping into the bathroom for a reset. A reminder to your nervous system that you're safe and that you're allowed to pause. If you're just tuning in, you're listening to Couch Time with Cat. I'm Cat, and today we're talking about holiday anxiety, why family dynamics can be tough, and how we can find more peace in the middle of it. Let's jump to breaking free of old patterns. One of the hardest parts about family gatherings is the way we can slip back into our old roles. Maybe you notice yourself becoming the peacekeeper, the one who tries to keep everyone calm and smooth over disagreements. Or maybe you're the fixer, jumping in to manage the logistics, soothe the tension, make sure everyone else is okay. Or maybe you're the quiet one, the one who blends into the background, trying not to make waves. Psychologists call this family systems theory. This is actually what I'm trained in. The idea that families operate like a living organism, with each person playing a role that keeps a system in balance, even when that balance is unhealthy. These roles often get assigned in early childhood, and even when we grow and change, stepping back into the family home can pull us right back into the script. Culturally, this makes sense. For generations, families relied on these roles to maintain order, a family structure. Someone had to be the responsible one, someone had to be the entertainer, someone had to be the one who kept the peace. These roles can feel comforting because they're familiar, but they can also keep us stuck in patterns that no longer serve us. And here's the tricky part. Our brains are wired for efficiency. The neural pathways connected to those old roles are deeply ingrained. So even if you've built a new identity out in the world, stepping into the family dining room can feel like stepping onto a stage where the script is already written for you. Without realizing it, you're back in character. I'll share one of mine. There was a holiday dinner where I caught myself slipping into fixer mode, and we have a huge family, just a huge extended family. Um, and I know my role pretty well. I am, we have a my family Vorgin, we still get together with my aunts and uncles and cousins, and it's really cool, and it's always big, and there's 40 people or so. So there are a lot of personalities, lots of movement happening. And since I was a young girl, my best friend and I, Melissa, she was on episode one and two of Catch Time with Cat. So Melissa and I are we're kind of the hams. We laugh, we joke, we make people laugh. We are the big voices in the room. No surprise. We're the big personalities. We're the cousins who like cut each other's bangs and who say silly jokes. And we just kind of like keep the energy up. So everybody, we all know our roles, but there was one year where I really didn't want to do that. I was tired. And I thought, oh, this would be inauthentic. But you know what? I just stepped into the role anyway because it's what people were used to. And I love my family and I love hanging out with them. And it's it wasn't against them that I didn't want to do it. It's just that I wasn't, that wasn't who I was that day. I needed something a little quieter. But I thought, oh, if I don't step into this role, everything else kind of goes off kilter. And so I did. And maybe that's presumptuous of me to think that everything else was gonna go off kilter. But I think a lot of us are placed in these or we experience these predicaments where people expect something from us and it's not bad. But maybe that's not where we are that day or in that season of our lives, and we're caught in that tension of do we just perform because what's the harm in it? Or do we stay more aligned with who we are that day? I can't control everybody, you know, that's not my job. But my job is to take care of myself. But you know, sometimes we're not totally able to do that in the moment either. So in no way am I ever going to say you should do something 100% of the time. This is all super nuanced. And I give you this information to share and to create some awareness around these situations. Take what works for you and leave the rest. Something that helps with my clients and that I want to share with you is an exit strategy. So let's talk exit strategy. What if you find yourself in a situation where you're like, get me out of here? Okay. So here are a few options. You can excuse yourself to the bathroom, of course, step outside for a walk around the block. You can say, Hey, um, I'm gonna go to my car for a quick call and stay in your car 15 minutes, or set a boundary ahead of time. Something like, I'm gonna stay for a few hours and then I'm gonna head out. So you have an ending point. This isn't selfish, it's not rude, it's actually really healthy because when you give yourself an exit strategy, you're reminding yourself that you have agency. You don't have to stay locked into the old script. You get to decide how to show up, how long you stay, and how you care for yourself in the process. If you're just tuning in, you're listening to Couch Time with Cat, I'm Cat, and today we're talking about holiday anxiety and how to navigate family dynamics with compassion and boundaries. And if you have a question you'd like answered on the show, you can ask it anonymously by calling, texting, or sending a voice memo to 956-249-7930. What are some practical ways that we can find a little more peace this holiday season? I want to offer you some actual tools. Here we go. Number one, ground before you go. Even if it's just two minutes of breathing in your car before walking into a gathering, two minutes can reset your nervous system. Think of it as pressing reset. So you arrive as your grounded self, not as your frazzled one. Number two, boundaries matter. You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to leave early, you're allowed to protect your peace. That sounds cliche, but Lord, is it true? Boundaries aren't walls, they're doors. They don't shut people out, they give you a way to stay whole while still connecting. Sometimes people think boundaries are about cutting people off. No, no, no. Boundaries are about saying what you will do and how you will behave. Self-compassion. When you slip back into old patterns, and a lot of us will at some point, we can remind ourselves. This is normal. It's it's it's I was gonna say it's homen. That's not a word. It's not homen. I was gonna combine human and common. That's homen too, making a mistake. We can remind ourselves, it's sure, let's make up a word. It's homen, it's human and common. This isn't about perfection, it's about practicing new ways of being and trying again the next time. Friends, this is our first time doing this, right? We're growing, we're evolving. Maybe this is our first holiday season with these new tools. We're gonna try it out. Let's not doom it before it starts. Let's just go in with an expectant heart. Let's pause and reflect for a second. Let's try a short body reset together. Gently bring your attention to the top of your head. Those of you without Botox, relax your forehead, unclench your jaw. Oh my gosh, my jaw. I'm like a bulldog. I hold all my tension there. So relax your forehead, unclenched your jaw, drop your shoulders, notice your chest rising and falling. Let your belly soften like a balloon. Rest your hands. Feel your legs and your feet sink into the ground. And just for a moment, let your body know it's safe to rest. Good job. Good job, everybody. Let's add one more layer. What's one value you want to hold true to for yourself this holiday season? We've talked about values before on this show, and I want to weave it into this podcast. Maybe your value is peace, maybe it's honesty, maybe it's presence. Picture yourself at the end of the season looking back. Maybe it's January 15th and you're reflecting on your holiday season. If you've held that one value, if you stayed connected, you can consider it a success, no matter what else happened around you. So maybe you're thinking, okay, the value I am going to let guide me and my decisions is alignment. Maybe it's courage. Maybe it's truth. Maybe it's peace. But just pick one value so that on January 15th you can reflect back and say, you know what? All my decisions were guided by peace. What's gonna bring me more peace? Going or not going? Saying yes or saying no, committing to that one extra thing or deciding to stay home. But this week, before heading out, maybe start practicing now, right? So the holidays aren't quite here yet, but they will be. And so let's practice. I want to invite you to make a short peace plan. Write three things down. One boundary you'll hold, one grounding practice you'll use, like that breath or body scan we did today. One person you can text for support if you need a lifeline. Having it written down makes it easier to follow through when emotions are running high. If we're left to our decision-making skills, when tensions are high, we're not going to make as great of a decision. We're just, we don't have the wherewithal to do it. So having a little plan beforehand is so helpful. And if you'd like to go deeper, hear a few voices and tools that I love. The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brene Brown. That book changed my life. Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawab, Sharon Salzberg's Meta Hour Podcast, and Rest is Resistance by Trisha Hersey. Okay, you ready for some mini homework, listener? Let's do it. Let's do it. Here's your little mini homework for the week. Write down one thing you're willing to release about the holidays. Oh, praise Jesus. That's a good one. And one way you'll show up for yourself instead. Oh, also so good. So one thing you're willing to release, and one way you'll show up for yourself instead. Send me a DM. Comment on Couch Time with Cat on Instagram. Let me know what your things are. I would love to hear from you. Here's what I want to leave you with. The holidays don't have to be perfect to be meaningful. They don't have to look like a commercial to hold beauty. They don't have to sound like a Hallmark movie to matter. Sometimes the most sacred part of the season is the quiet moment after everyone's gone home and you light a candle and exhale. Or the walk you take outside when you step away from the noise, or the boundaries you've set that keep you steady, or the new meaningful moment or tradition that you create inside. Of your peace and power and values. This year, may you choose peace over perfection. May you let yourself rest. May you let the holidays be what they are. Messy, human, tender, imperfect, and still worthy of love. Thank you for spending this time with me. If something from today's conversation resonated, or if you're in a season where support would help, visit me at gattheahhallam.com. That's C-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-M.com. You can also leave an anonymous question for the show by calling or texting 956-249-7930. I'd love to hear what's on your heart. If Couch Time with Cat has been meaningful to you, it would mean so much if you'd subscribe, rate, and leave a review. It helps others find us and it grows this community of care. And if you know someone who needs a little light right now, send them this episode. Remind them they're not alone. Until next time, be gentle with yourself. Keep showing up and know I'm right here with you.