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Rewiring Trust: Healing After Intimate Partner Violence with Dr. Paulina Flasch

• Catia Hernandez Holm

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Show guest:

Dr. Paulina S. Flasch is an Associate Professor of Professional Counseling at Texas State University, where she teaches in the Marriage, Couple, and Family track and co-leads the Trauma and Interpersonal Violence Research Lab. Her work centers on trauma, intimate partner violence, and interpersonal violence, with a growing focus on Jewish identity and the lived experiences of antisemitism.

Dr. Flasch is also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and the founder of Flasch Counseling and Consulting, where she offers consulting and speaking engagements rooted in compassion, research, and real-world insight.

Learn more or connect with Dr. Flasch:

 đź”— TXST Faculty Profile

đź”— LinkedIn

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Resources:

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Show hosted by:

Catia Hernandez Holm, LMFT-A

Supervised by Susan Gonzales, LMFT-S, LPC-S


You can connect with Catia at couchtimewithcat.com

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Speaker:

Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place for real conversation and a gentle check-in. KWH presents Couch Time with Cat. Hi friends, and welcome to Couch Time with Cat, mental wellness with a friendly voice. I'm Cat, therapist, best-selling author, TEDx speaker, and endurance athlete. But most of all, I'm a wife, mama, and someone who deeply believes that people are good and healing is possible. Here in the Hill Country of Wimberley, Texas, I've built my life and practice around one purpose to make mental wellness feel accessible, compassionate, and real. This show is for those moments when life feels heavy, when you're craving clarity, or when you just need to hear, you're not alone. Each week we'll explore the terrain of mental wellness through stories, reflections, research, and tools you can bring into everyday life. Think of it as a conversation between friends, rooted in science, guided by heart, and grounded in the belief that healing does not have to feel clinical. It can feel like sitting on a couch with someone who gets it. So whether you're driving, walking, cooking, or simply catching your breath, you're welcome here. This is your space to feel seen, supported, and reminded of your own strength. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in. She didn't tell anyone right away, not because it didn't hurt, but because it felt impossible to explain. The relationship was over, but the aftermath lingered. She questioned herself constantly, wondered if the fear, the second guessing, the tightness in her chest were ever going to end. She wanted to love again, but she didn't know where to begin, or if she could trust herself to choose differently. This is the quiet after intimate partner violence. And for many, it can feel more confusing than the chaos itself. Welcome to Couch Time with Cat. I'm Cat, and today we're talking about something deeply important and often hidden in plain sight. What it really looks like to heal after IPV. We're joined by someone who brings both professional insight and lived experience, Dr. Paulina Flash. She'll help us understand how trauma shapes relationships, what recovery looks like beyond the myths, and how we begin to build safety and trust again, especially with ourselves. Let's ground this in a bit of truth. Because the science behind trauma is as real as the soul work that follows it. When someone experiences intimate partner violence, otherwise known as IPV, their nervous system rewires to survive. Hypervigilance, dissociation, shame, mistrust, these are not character flaws. They're adaptive responses to danger. And early attachment wounds often get reactivated. If you were taught love means anxiety or inconsistency, you might find yourself drawn to the familiar even when it's painful. That's not weakness, that's wiring. But we're not stuck. The brain is changeable. Relationships, safe, supportive ones, can help rewire us. Healing happens through safety, connection, and daily choice. And today's episode is a window into exactly how that works. Dr. Paulina Flash is an associate professor of professional counseling at Texas State University, where she teaches in the marriage, couple, and family track and co-leads the Trauma and Interpersonal Violence Research Lab. Her work explores intimate partner violence, trauma recovery, healthy relationships, and Jewish experiences in anti-Semitism and Counseling. She is a licensed LMFT LPC and the owner of Flash Counseling and Consulting, where she supports survivors and clinicians alike. But what makes today's conversation so powerful is that she's not only a researcher or clinician, she's a survivor. She knows what healing looks like from the inside. Dr. Flash, welcome to Couch Time with Cat.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much. Hi, Dr. Flash. I love this. I love that. Listen, you are speeding a mind. Oh, yes. Listen, Dr.

Speaker:

Flash is my professor, my forever professor.

Speaker 1:

And now you have graduated and gone out and are doing amazing things. So I love that this relationship is now at a point where I can sit here and listen to your really powerful work and be a guest on your show.

Speaker:

Thank you. This is so cool. It's just such an honor for me. Dr. Flush saw me through all my training, and I was in graduate school four years. And um, this will come as no surprise. Her most often given note to me was slow down.

Speaker 1:

It's a simple one, but a hard one, right?

Speaker:

Oh man. Yeah. So we're laughing and we're we're laughing and we're really connecting as we dive into this very serious and prevalent topic, which is IPV. And so I want to start with something that often gets overlooked. Can you describe for us what IPV actually does to a person and how it shows up in someone's daily life?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so intimate partner violence is kind of an umbrella term that we use. There's kind of a lot of components under that, and they can look really different and have many kinds of variations to them. Typically, we're talking about physical violence, emotional, psychological, financial violence. There's a lot under that. It also really affects pretty much every part of a person's life and their environment. So oftentimes in IPV, we tend to see isolation. Um, we see financial um abuse where resources are taken away, children, if there's children in the relationship, that's also a huge component and a lot of effects there. Um, and so with IPV really thinking about in a relationship that is violent, um, and again, it doesn't have to be physical violence. I think that's another piece that people sometimes get stuck on. And also that makes it hard to identify because if there's no physical violence, someone might think that they're not really in an abusive relationship. But that's not the case. Uh, we tend to see a lot of power and control dynamics, so controlling someone's experience, life, even minor and kind of bigger things, it can be as small as what someone wears, um, as big as who they spend time with, what they're allowed to do, whether they can go to school, whether they can work. Um, so it really kind of encompasses a lot of a broad range of behaviors and dynamics. Um, and so when we talk about healing, we have to address all of those pieces. We can't just address, you know, okay, so now there's no violence anymore, let's move on. Uh, we have to address the psychological effect. So a lot of times someone who's been in abusive in an abusive relationship, um, the person that they've been with, their abusive partner, has managed to really break down them as a person. They've broken down their self-esteem, their resources, their support networks. And so it can be very, very difficult to, on one hand, make the decision to leave, which is very complicated and also much more dangerous than most people understand. Um, but in order to leave, there are a lot of things that a person needs. Um, they need safety, they need support, they need uh oftentimes uh legal help. Um, and in terms of safety planning, um when someone leaves an abusive relationship, that is the most dangerous time. And that is when most murders occur.

Speaker:

So if I may ask, I feel like the listener may be wondering what's the difference between domestic violence and IPV?

Speaker 1:

They're often used interchangeably and they kind of are domestic, you know, kind of also incorporates maybe child abuse and other types of things. The problem with and kind of why we moved away from domestic violence is really that this is not an issue that's just centered around the home, the domestic unit, right? This is something that really affects every part of a person's environment. Um, and also in this case, we're focusing specifically about partners, romantic partners, former or current. Um, so that's kind of the main difference, but they're usually referring to the same thing.

Speaker:

And earlier you touched on this, but when we're in a relationship with IPV, you cannot heal in that relationship. Yeah, and so is that accurate?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that is. Um, and a lot of times folks think that let's go to couples counseling and try to work this out. Um, and as a couples counselor, I certainly see folks trying to do that. As a couples counselor trainer, uh training other counselors, and really the standards of the field is we don't do couples counseling when there is power and control dynamics. And the reason for that is if a partner is abusing their loved one, if there is power and control exerted on their partner, um, that partner has very little power in that relationship. And couples counseling really is coming together, accepting responsibility of our own parts, um, and moving forward. And when one person is the sole perpetrator of another, that is not conducive to healing. There's no safety there. And sometimes couples counseling can even make uh the experience less safe. Um, there's a sense of vulnerability and a sense of hope, maybe that can come from that. Um, there are some, there are some um exceptions um to how we work when there is violence, but most of the time when there's power and control, we do not encourage couples counseling. Um, instead, individual counseling to try to kind of heal and and work through those dynamics.

Speaker:

There is a often a perception of how somebody should be acting, like how somebody should walk through a relationship with IPv versus what is actually, I don't want to say best practices, but what is safe for the individual. Often, so somebody earlier you said, you know, leaving is the highest is the riskiest. Yeah. What does that what does that mean? Why can't somebody just leave?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. And I think especially someone kind of witnessing friends and family, it can be a very difficult place to be in to witness your loved one stuck in a relationship. Um, we also have to remember that the person who is in and and we can talk about, you know, there there's a do we call these people survivors or victims? There's kind of some some a lot of connotations and a lot of meaning and and and kind of um yeah, attached to those. They're very loaded, yeah. And so what we might say survivor, we might say victim, but that might not necessarily fit for the person. But survivors typically, like, you know, I feel like that's a stronger word than victim. So I'm gonna just refer to to folks in abusive relationships as survivors, um, whether they're in them or or have left. But so survivors who are currently in a relationship uh with an abusive partner, their self-esteem has been broken down, they don't have a good sense of who they are anymore. Um, they've been oftentimes um really broken down to the point where they're not allowed to have other friends, they don't have support systems anymore, they've been isolated from a lot of the things that they connect to. And so when we think about the leaving process, this is on one hand, questions come up of like, what do I even do? Um, also, a lot of folks in the situations don't necessarily think that they're being abused or that they're in an abusive relationship just because those dynamics can be so difficult.

Speaker:

They're so worn down that their perception of reality is eroded. Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. And typically we see psychological manipulation tactics used by the abuser as well. Um, gaslighting is kind of the term that's been used to describe some of those. But this is really a systematic process over time that makes a survivor question who they are, um, what their strengths are, their beliefs are. They really get to a point where they are robbed of their sense of self. Um, and so that's a really hard place to even decide that you're worthy of nonviolence, of even knowing that that's something that you can overcome and leave. Um, and so leaving then becomes very difficult. And and actually it it takes on average seven times for a survivor to leave an abusive relationship.

Speaker:

Seven times. So trying and going back, trying and going back, trying and going back. Absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, because it's so difficult. And again, it takes a lot of awareness to even get to the point of taking that initial step to leave. And there are so many things that we need in order to leave, right? Like we need money, we need resources, we need a place to go, we need to make sure our children are safe. If there's children involved, I mean, just all the custody and legal stuff around that. There's a lot of challenges around leaving, and then of course, safety being such a big piece because a lot of these relationships are characterized or or kind of fall under this umbrella of power and control. And so the abuser uses power to keep the survivor kind of in control, right? And then when a person then leaves, when a survivor leaves, the abuser has no control anymore. And that's oftentimes when kind of the violence escalates even more severely, or triggered, so it's like all bets are off. Yeah, exactly. And so we see unfortunately the murders that happen happen right after a person has left or are in the process of leaving. So we also can't underestimate that. And so what friends and family tend to do is kind of push their loved ones to leave, not understanding all of the complex dynamics underneath.

Speaker:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

Um so that's a really difficult part.

Speaker:

Yes, and also this is difficult from all angles, whether you're in it, you're watching it, you're a child of it. It's excruciating for everybody. We are certainly I think what we're doing in this episode is highlighting how difficult it is for everybody when you're seeing it and you can't do anything about it. Um it's it's heartbreaking.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it is. But there are some things we can do, and part of that is just to show our loved one that we are there for them. Um not giving up, not pushing them to leave, but really showing that we are there for them. We can express concern, but not making an ultimatum out of it, right? And kind of saying, like, this is, I'm really worried about you, and I want to help you and support you in this process. And when you're ready, I'm gonna be right there with you. Um that is a piece that I think the support piece is probably the biggest factor uh in being able to leave, having some sense of support or safety or resources to make that step. Um because what happens when we push our loved ones too much, then they just retreat back into the abuser. Um it's very delicate, absolutely. That is really the word.

Speaker:

It is a very delicate process. I'd love eventually to do a show with you on the leaving process or the you know the stages of change. Yes. Let's say for now somebody has exited the relationship, even though that's a gross uh wrap-up. Like that's just like a a gross, I mean in terms of like overarching, like that's a gross generalization. Okay, now that we've said all that, let's say somebody leaves. We're gonna go back and address that. But for now, I know that we are saying, okay, let's say somebody leaves. What helps them shift from surviving to healing?

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. And I think this is a really big conversation. And like you said, there are so many smaller, kind of more nuanced aspects to this. So I'm also having a hard time staying focused. But um leaving is also not kind of a one-time event. I think that's important to understand because the healing kind of is walks hand in hand with the leaving. Um when someone leaves, if there are children, there's, you know, sometimes unfortunately shared custody related to that. Um, there's custody disputes, there's stalking. Uh, someone might have needed to go to a domestic violence shelter because their life is at imminent risk. So every leaving situation looks different and it can be prolonged. And so it can be very difficult for someone who has left and is still dealing with kind of a lot of this, having to still interact with the abuser uh on a oftentimes regular basis to, you know, related to children or related to to other things, um, to court systems, to jail time. And so the leaving process can be very drawn out, and thus the healing process can kind of take a seat back uh sometimes.

Speaker:

There's so many logistics to figure out that you're just there really are. It's like a tentacle, it's like you're connected to the abuser in a million ways, and all you want to do is sever those, but you have to because for legal reasons or custody, etc.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that metaphor of the tentacles, right? Because that really is what it is. And having worked with survivors for many years, that's very much the process that they describe. Um, and so and so then healing has to really be kind of conceptualized within that person's specific context. A lot of the initial healing is very crisis-based. So we're trying to maintain safety, we're trying to kind of set those initial supports in place. Um, we're trying to kind of just deal and be more crisis management related. Now, there are a lot of amazing domestic violence agencies in the area that can help with that. And anyone who's interested in kind of just talking and processing through, um, there's a lot of free services. Um, so the Safe Alliance in Austin, uh, there's the Hope Alliance in um Williamson County, there's the Hayes Caldwell Women's Center in um Hays and Caldwell counties. And so there's there's a lot of really great supports in the community that have resources to help folks navigate that initial piece. It might need it, you know, it might involve protective orders and shelters and safety planning and other types of logistics like that. And so when we think about healing, that's really kind of we're looking at it in this continuum piece. So there's and that continuum goes back and forth. So just because you kind of, you know, managed to do a lot in that first piece of what I, in a study that I did looking at kind of the research on long-term recovery for IPV, conceptualized it as disentangling from the past. Uh, and that's really this kind of more crisis piece. Um, it is um utilizing resources, managing those negative immediate symptoms of PTSD, uh, and then really making sense of that abuse experience. Then we're moving into more of this like coping with the present. Um, and then again, it's kind of this like continuum stage. If you think about kind of a line, a continuum, but then that it moves back and forth as well. It's not, we're never quite done with each part. They kind of overlap and go back and forth, but typically move kind of in a in a line forward. So then that coping with the present piece, that's trying to integrate that abuse experience. So we're trying to make sense of it and see how that now fits into our new life. We're never gonna be the person we were before abuse. Um, and that's that's just not realistic. We've now had this big experience, this big, oftentimes very traumatic experience that changes a lot about a person. Um, but how can we now integrate that into who we are? Um regulating negative emotions, um, starting to get empowered again. Because again, IPv is so much about disempowering, about a person having control of you. And so that negative, yeah.

Speaker:

I'm sorry to interrupt. I wanted to um just for the listener, remind them you're listening to KWVH94.3, and this is Catch Time with Cat. And today's topic is centered around um intimate partner violence. And I am interviewing Dr. Paulina Flash, and she is walking us through what this experience is like and what healing is like. And if you're listening and any of this is resonating, maybe your nervous system feels on edge. Maybe you're in the middle of a messy middle, and I want to say you're not doing it wrong, and you're doing something incredibly brave. And it's gonna take some time and be patient with yourself and give yourself grace. And resources like this are here to help. I want to talk about the role of support systems, like Dr. Flash was talking about, because the trauma often isolates people. And like Dr. Flash was saying earlier, the roles of friends, family, community, all those play a role in recovery. And how can someone start building that support system after? So we need it during, but then I'm guessing that a somebody who's experienced IPV starts to doubt themselves. So how do they then go on and rebuild this new community if you don't trust yourself yet? What are some steps in that direction?

Speaker 1:

You're bringing up a really key piece because again, the trust is such a big part of both the experience of IPv, but then the healing part. And when a person has repeatedly and systematically essentially taken away your ability to trust yourself or trust others, um, it's really hard to learn to do that again. Um, and you're right that the social support piece is really, really important, but can be very difficult to figure out. Um and I also appreciated that you mentioned that, you know, folks can be in so many different places right now, even listening into this and bringing that back to just taking a breath, having self-compassion, and just slowing down. There is no pressure on you. Uh, this is a process, it's not an event. Um and so the part of then of like moving towards the peace. So, in all the research that I've conducted and all the research that's out there, probably the single most important part of recovery is social support. This goes back to even how our brain works. When we've had trauma in a relationship, that trauma has to be healed in a relationship too. We really can't do it alone. And that that doesn't mean that we have to go out and start dating again, although that might be part of it, you know, within a context. But but it also means just having a support network, which again can be very hard, like you mentioned, especially if that's been severed through the abuse process. Um, I will say a lot of the domestic violence shelters are fantastic places to start. That might seem really intimidating, but they often offer groups where you can connect with other survivors, there's different programs. If there's ways to get involved in um volunteer work, even like trying to find those types of places to connect. Now, the trust part is harder. It's also hard to reach out when you don't feel like you have a lot to give. Um, and so with this work, um trying to find even small steps to start empowering yourself. So whether you're working with a counselor, which I wholeheartedly um recommend if there's a way to do that, there are a lot of low-cost um counselors in the area as well. We have training clinics at Texas State for the community that offer a sliding scale from zero to 25. Um, maybe we can post those resources on the website as well. Sure. Um, but so there are ways to receive that support. Um thing that can be really helpful in starting to just tune into yourself again is journaling. Um, this is just a way to journaling or even other expressive arts, but some way to get this out of your body. So when someone's been in a traumatic experience and has literally been in a chronic fight or flight stage for a very extended period of time, the brain might not have had a chance to integrate logically the experiences that have happened with a trauma that's then been stored in the body. And so then trying to always find words, trying to tune in. Um, a person who was supposed to be safe has not been safe, it can be really hard to learn to trust who is safe, what is normal, what is kind of, you know, can I even trust myself to make those decisions about other people? Um, and so starting to just make small, small steps, whether that means choosing what color to paint your wall, right? Like trusting that you can make that choice. Yes. Starting to make small decisions every day about who you are, um, what color to paint your nails, right? What to have for lunch, like making it a very mindful and intentional process of starting to make decisions where you can learn to trust and reflect on your own choices.

Speaker:

Um, yeah. Something that I do with clients early on is I have them name their belly, the part of their belly that gets hungry. I love that. And so it could be anything. Let's say it's a Bob. And over weeks we start to build a bind-body connection and we check in with Bob. Is Bob hungry? What does Bob want to eat? Ham sandwich, turkey sandwich? Is Bob full? Um because we abandon ourselves a million times a day in food and and drink. Sometimes we eat so that we can be connected to somebody, but we override our body because it's full, it doesn't want to eat, but we do want to connect with this person over pizza, so we do that anyway. Or we're hungry, but we don't have time, so we eat the leftover waffles from the kids' plates because we don't want to cook ourselves breakfast or put the waffles away. It's easier to like toss them in your mouth and find a Ziploc. So severing that mind body connection. Over and over and over is detrimental. And what you're saying is to tune into your interior and what you want and pay attention to that and then to follow through with it.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. And then reflect on it. What was it like to make that decision? Did that feel? Am I happy with the decision that I made? Would I do something different? So it might even start that simply. And then working with a counselor, you can really expand that and move that to kind of bigger pieces. We process how we interact in relationships. Who feels safe? What are the warning flags to look for in other people? How do we process that when we feel some resistance? And again, it can be very difficult. And the process of recovery often means that you're gonna make some mistakes. You're gonna, you know, and I hate to call them mistakes necessarily because they're not, but they're you're gonna do things that don't feel great. But then we can reflect on that and adjust next time. So I think, and I know self-compassion is something that you talk about over and over, right? It's something that you've um you do a lot of this work with your clients. And I think that is such a big piece. Like let's not be too hard on ourselves. We've been through a lot, and it takes time. And one of the kind of the more like later stages of that recovery process really is to start to reclaim yourself, is to um start processing or having integrated some of that abuse experience and then moving that into post-traumatic growth. Um, trauma can be an opportunity for us to grow and to really figure out what we want, maybe more so than even before. Um, it's an opportunity to reflect on those pieces and integrate them into our lives.

Speaker:

Can you say a little bit about? So you're saying let's have some compassion for ourselves. And that's really difficult for a lot of people to get to. So I'm gonna start from the what I think is the starting line of this. Well, I don't know about the starting line, but I think where a lot of people get stuck is shame. Definitely. What part does shame play in this? And what advice would you give someone listening who knows they want to heal, but they feel so much shame either about the situation they're in or what will happen if they leave, what their family will look like, their their Christmas cards aren't gonna look as pretty. Maybe they can't afford Christmas cards if they leave. And I know this sounds so silly, but I think that those thoughts run through our heads as we are trying to make the decision of do we want to stay in this relationship or not.

Speaker 1:

A hundred percent. I think shame is crippling in so many instances. We come into this world, we go through this world, and we have experiences that really um center that sometimes in our lived experience, um, and then prevent us from healing and from having social connections and and experiences that um would be more fulfilling. Um shame makes sense, right? It in it makes sense. We we have a lot of this world gives us a lot of messages about what things should be and should look like. With IPB, there's so many social messages, both about keeping a family intact, there are cultural values that we have to navigate, our own beliefs about divorce and marriage, um, fear for children. Like there's so much attached to that. Uh, intergenerational patterns. Um, and what would it mean for what does it mean about me to stay? So maybe there's shame in even sharing or acknowledging what's happened. And also, what is the shame in leaving and kind of breaking up my family? And maybe it's not so bad. Maybe the abuser isn't, you know, maybe I can handle it, maybe they're not affecting all these other kids graduate high school and then ellipses. Yeah, that's a common one. Yeah, and then also shame about putting the kids through it if they are witnessing or hearing the abuse, which you know, unfortunately they often do, even if we think we can protect them. And so it's it's a very, very complex piece. But again, like that is acknowledging that, recognizing that, finding, you know, space for that part of us to be, to have a voice and to speak, um, to tune into that. Um, instead of judging it, trying to understand what it's saying and what it's asking us to do, what it wants us to do, um, and sticking with that. Um, exploring that if you have the ability to even get to a counselor, because of course there's a lot with that too.

Speaker:

But right. That takes that takes even even that in an IPV situation is a luxury. A hundred percent. Right. Yeah. If you're just tuning in, you're listening to 94.3 KWVH, and I'm Cat, you're listening to Catch Time with Cat, and our topic today is centered around IPv, and I am interviewing Dr. Paulina Flash, the great, yeah, the one and only, the magnificent Dr. Paulina Flash.

Speaker 1:

Oh, you're really building me up here.

Speaker:

You are, you're the best. And um, we're talking about a very difficult topic, but you know what? Life is very difficult sometimes. And what being trained as a therapist has taught me to do is to sit with pain. And I'm very good at sitting with pain. And Grace, uh, Dr. Flash was on here in the first several episodes, and something that she said has stuck with me, and she said, you know, often uh the one hour our clients spend with us a week is they are sharing their most painful experiences. And then you sit there times 25 clients. So I'm you know, I've I've practiced, you know, I've been in practice of sitting with these very difficult topics. And I always learn something from them, and I I tell my clients that there's some type of magic that happens, and I there's no math to it. But when they share and when I hold space, their bird it's not a burden for me. It doesn't, I don't hold it on my shoulders. It somehow when it like hits the air, it magically it doesn't dissolve, but it helps. Like just witnessing somebody in their pain helps that other person and holding space for them and circling back to that self-compassion. And even saying the hard things like, I see you're in wrapped in shame. I know those are such, such hard conversations for people. But I have found that the more direct I can be, direct and clear and kind, something about the weight of that, it doesn't evaporate or dissolve, but it lessens for sure. What's your experience with that and shame?

Speaker 1:

Again, going back to just the importance of social connection and relation and being heard and seen in your pain, I think you described it beautifully. Our brains are pretty magical things. Um, sometimes it we don't need a particular skill or a particular tool, but we need to be seen by another human. And for a brain that has um for a brain that has experienced lack of safety, trauma, pain, danger, uh, abuse in other relationships, not experiencing that with someone, being able to share who you are with a person who is safe literally rewires your brain. That's why I what I love about our work is that we have so much hope and and knowledge that people are capable of change. Uh, we know that based on brain science, but more important, we know that based on being with other people in a room and sitting with them. Yeah, our lived experience. Our lived experience. And and I know that as a client. I know that having gone through an abusive relationship and been able to heal again through relationships, it's hard as can I say you can't occur go for it on a podcast. It's hard as hell. Um, there's no easy fix. You just have to move through it in your own time and have some sort of internal compass, um, trusting that even if you don't know the right steps or the right way uh at the moment, that over time things will start to fall into piece into place.

Speaker:

Did your personal experience lead you to being an advocate?

Speaker 1:

Definitely. So I was young when I was in an abusive relationship. And actually, the most common time to end up in an abusive relationship is between ages of 18 and 24. That's the most common time to start such a relationship. I don't think we have enough time to talk about why, but it is a very delicate time in a person's life, um, kind of emerging adulthood, looking for connections, trying to find out who we are, but not quite having established that yet. Um so I was lucky that I had one consistent classmate who wasn't at the time even a friend, but this was someone who just would not stop checking on me. Um, and this was really the only person in my life at the time because I had been very isolated in that experience. And this one person who just was able to tune in and keep checking, I kind of felt like it was kind of annoying at the time because I was worried about my own stuff. I was worried that this person that I was with was gonna know that I was talking to this other person. There was a lot of very intense control stuff going on. Um, but she really helped me kind of have something to relate to, even though I wasn't necessarily available to be the kind of friend at the time that I would have been now. Um, but we're still really good friends to this day. Oh my God, what a blessing. It is. And so I think for me, having her really started that, it gave me enough strength to start the balls rolling. Um, and again, that is the hardest time.

Speaker:

I'm not, I don't even remember what it was that you asked in terms of the original question here, but um the question was did your personal experience inform your advocacy?

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's right. Yeah. And so kind of having moved through that process and then spending having left that relationship several times, um, coming back a little stronger every time. And I think that's the other part. We might be very disappointed when someone leaves and then goes back, but we need to celebrate that. We need to celebrate that that person was able to leave and probably got stronger in the process. And so uh that that is part of the leaving process is leaving and going back sometimes.

Speaker:

Um I'm glad you had her. I'm glad she was there for you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, she's she's amazing. I thank God for her every day, really. Oh my god, yeah. And uh and so, in terms of advocacy work, that that really actually is a very big part of healing for many survivors is to later on go and give back, work with survivors, work at shelters. And um, I think there is something to it.

Speaker:

There's that healing and community piece, absolutely, and then being the safe space for someone else. Yeah. Wow, beautiful. Dr. Flash, thank you.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much.

Speaker:

Your voice, your honesty is such a gift. Today we've learned that healing from IPv is not a checklist, it's a relationship with yourself, your story, and your nervous system. Sometimes it's slow, but it's always sacred. And it's absolutely possible. Dr. Flash, if someone wants to connect with you, how can they learn more about your work?

Speaker 1:

So they I I've sent you a couple of links. I don't know if you're gonna post those, but um, I you can Google me at Paulina Flash at Texas State, um, and I show up. You can connect with me there. My email is there. Uh it's Paulina at txtstate.edu. Um, or you can check out my LinkedIn, my faculty profile. I uh also have a website. Um currently not taking clients, but working with consulting pieces instead and speaking engagements.

Speaker:

So All right, Dr. Flash on the move. To everyone listening, you are you are just such a blessing to me and to this show. And you deserve safety, not just in your relationships, but in your own body. This week I invite you to try one gentle thing for yourself, whether that's asking for help, setting a boundary, or resting without guilt, it all counts. All right, listener, until then, I'm sending you love and safety. Be good to yourselves. Thank you for spending this time with me. If something from today's conversation resonated, or if you're in a season where support would help, visit me at gotttiaholum.com. That's C-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-M.com. You can also leave an anonymous question for the show by calling or texting 956-249-7930. I'd love to hear what's on your heart. If Couch Time with Cat has been meaningful to you, it would mean so much if you'd subscribe, rate, and leave a review. It helps others find us and it grows this community of care. And if you know someone who needs a little light right now, send them this episode. Remind them they're not alone. Until next time, be gentle with yourself. Keep showing up and know I'm right here with you.

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Catia Hernandez Holm

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